Tales of the Unexpected S02 E09 & E10 - Georgy Porgy, Depart in Peace

Welcome back to Midnight Viewing. I'm your host, Father Malone, and we are now engaged in the years-long struggle to tackle Roald Dahl's Tales of the Unexpected. And with me, as always, he's cleaning off his paintbrushes, is the projection booth's Mike White. You look very scrumptious today, Father Malone. Tales of the Unexpected ran for a whopping nine series, topping out at 112 episodes, spanning from March 24, 1979 until May 13, 1988.

Today we're discussing two of those episodes of Season 2. That is Season 2 Episode... First off is Season 2 Episode 9, Georgie Porgie. This aired originally on April the 26th, 1980, written by Robin Chapman, from the story by Roald Dahl, directed by Graham Evans, starring Ann Beach, Lally Bowers, Jakob Witkin, and Joan Collins. This is the story of a clergyman who's the object of his congregation's female attention.

But maybe female attention is what drove him to the church in the first place. What did you think of this one, Mike? This totally fucking bizarre episode of television. What a twisted Freudian nightmare this whole thing is. Holy cow.

Having Jón, that's the Swedish version of Joan Collins, I think. Jón Collins playing the two roles. And I kept thinking, is that her as the mother character? And just this weird vor thing that's happening in here. And then I thought for sure that It was early on in this episode that we see a shot from the priest's point or the vicar, his point of view, and all of the ladies are naked.

I was like, well, that's going to come up several times through this, but I don't remember it coming up again. But yeah, they sure think he's a tall drink of water, even though this guy's kind of dumpy looking. It's like he's no Clive Owen, ladies and gentlemen. This points to the desperation of the lonely village. Hausfrau, any port in the storm.

I guess he's the only single man around. Yeah, because he's not all that great. But nevertheless, we're treated to a scene that's similar to Indiana Jones in the classroom with all the female students mooning over him. Only it's not Harrison Ford. It's some guy who can barely stutter out the Lord's Prayer.

Yeah. He's not even Edward Herman from North Avenue Irregulars, you know, which is what this reminded me of at first. But that would be if Edward Herman... I guess was maybe more of his vampire character from Lost Boys. Spoiler alert.

But yeah, it's just like, what is going on? These ladies are obsessed with this guy and he is having these flashbacks of his childhood. And so we get to see just how bucked up his incestuous mother was. Holy cow. Good Lord, man.

It's like, it's incessant. The first hint of it, I was like, well, that's gross. Hopefully they don't continue down that path. Oh, let's continue down the path. Really hardcore now, everybody.

Waking him up at night and pulling him out of bed to watch rabbits fucking and stuff. It's just eating. Oh, I don't know. And yeah, Joan Collins in this sort of this orange curl fright wig, like Madame Susatsuka or something. Very disconcerting.

And just that whole, is Roald Dahl just blaming Bohemian lifestyle here? Because that's what it feels like. It's like the Bohemian parents, they're all about art and no boundaries with the kid, but really taking that way too far. Yeah, it did feel like a real criticism. I was.

Kind of surprised by the dad because I kept thinking that he was going to be somebody. Like at first I thought, oh, Brian Blissett is back. Me too. I immediately thought Brian Blissett. I kept thinking it too.

Like, is it? Is it not? Is it? No. No, that voice was not there.

And I'm like, oh, okay. And he just doesn't have a big personality. It's just the mom is a steamroller and rolling over everything. And yeah, kind of trying to seduce her son. That whole scene of them bouncing on the bed.

I was like, oh man, this is so gross. Yeah, at that point, Dad should step in more than, let's get going, everybody. We're going to be late for the Communist Party luncheon or whatever the fuck it was. And by the way, as always, Roald Dahl introduces these episodes. And in this one, he produced a sentence I never thought I would ever hear in my life, which is, the notion that a large woman might swallow a small clergyman has been one that has always appealed to me.

I think you're alone in that one, Roald. The notion that a large woman might swallow a small clergyman has always appealed to me. Well, yeah, and just the oral stuff that's going on through this whole thing. Even in that intro, does he talk about how long would it take her to digest a person if they swallowed someone? I'm like, what is going on in there?

Yeah, he's really thought about it. Oh, man, oh, man. I got the idea from watching a rat being eaten by a snake. My immediate thought was a woman eating a priest. Because that's where your mind goes.

Yeah. Oh, rolled. This one is an all videotape special, by the way. I don't really point that out, but it works here. But in future episodes, they go back to their maddening practice of switching between video and film.

It feels like there's no logic to it, right? Because you talk about that almost every episode. It's like, okay, this one's all film. this one's all video, this one mixes, and it's like, well, what is it? What does the difference here? I would love to know the procedure over there.

Yeah. Okay, well, we've run out of money, so use the videotape, or we only have the videotape, I don't know. Yeah. Roger came in, he checked out the one camera, shit, now I gotta take the other one, I, yeah. The lab is already full, take the video camera.

Right. Oof. Well, it does no one any favors. I mean, this one's fine, I guess, but This one is not fine. This one I felt gross from beginning to end watching.

Can I say that I like Joan Collins better in the orange wig than I do with her regular hair? Hey, me too. Okay, good. I'm glad it wasn't just me. No, she should have invested in something like that.

She was quite a looker, but maybe we're just used to Joan Collins brunette. Maybe if she had been the orange haired girl her whole life, we'd be like, whoa, did you see her as a brunette? She's looking fucking foxy. Yeah, she reminds me, she gives me a little Diane Wiest. Maybe it's going back to the Lost Boys again, but just a little bit of that like kooky, like you said, bohemian kind of thing.

But yeah, I don't necessarily associate bohemians with like, oh, hey, yeah, try my sherry and let's bounce on this bed and let's, yeah, watch rabbits fucking. And oh, isn't that, oh, she's licking him. Oh, this is so cute. And I'm just like, well, I know what's going to happen here. This is going to be bad.

So young child witnesses mom rabbit eat young rabbit, and now he figures that that's what sex is. That's what we're getting here. This is pop psychology at its best, everybody. Absolutely. Yeah.

And the way that they cut from the mom's mouth to the rabbit's mouth and back. And then, yeah, that he carries this with him the whole time. And I don't even know why you would keep hamsters or gerbils if you're traumatized by these baby rabbits. I don't know. It just felt like transference to me.

Yeah, give those away. Don't make little fucking mazes for them, man. You have a problem, clearly. And by the way, what a tease to mention at the outset that he'd been obsessing about a story about a woman eating a priest, and we don't get that. Right, right.

Yeah, he doesn't even eat Joan Collins yet. I was hoping for like a little bit of turnabout. Something, anything. Instead, it's just like, you're going to eat me, and then he bludgeons her nearly to death. Okay.

Oh, but then he's got that whole gigantum fantasy at the end where he's like, I'm in the stomach now. I'm like, oh boy, oh boy. This guy really just went completely over the edge. Ah, Roald Dahl. Thinking everything nobody ever should.

But I guess good for us. Because it was at least interesting. I'm not saying this was a good episode. I can't recommend it. No, it was entertaining.

Yeah, I had a good time. All right. That brings us to season two, episode 10. This aired on May the 3rd, 1980. It is entitled Depart in Peace, written by Ronald Harwood from the story by Roald Dahl.

This one was directed by Alan Gibson, starring Joseph Cotton, a returning member of the faculty here. Also, Gloria Graham, Maureen O'Brien, and John Bennett. This is about an art dealer who gets revenge on a dismissive lover with an elaborate plan based in oils. What did you think of this particular one, Mike? I was so confused.

So odd. It's like, all right. So Joseph Cotton, pretty insufferable, right? Just boring as fucking dirt. No boring.

Yeah. And just torturing this poor Italian lady by just talking nonstop about art. But at the same time, I'm like, Does she like him? Does she not like him? Enter Gloria Graham, who's going to try to seduce him.

And by the way, Gloria Graham looking fantastic. Smoking hot in this. Smoking hot in 1980. And here I am like a huge fan of like the big heat and in a lonely place. And it's just like, oh my God, she looks so amazing then.

She looks even as good, if not better now. This is crazy. Definitely more well-preserved than Joseph Cotton, who's got the whole series of wigs that he's trying out over the years and everything. Yeah, but So she comes in, fills his head full of all this stuff, and you're just like, well, is she saying that this other lady is completely bored because she wants Joseph Cotton? Or did this Italian lady actually say all of this stuff?

I don't know. But then we have the strangest part. revenge plot i guess i yeah talk me through what you're thinking. It's the most happenstance potentiality of a revenge ever it's so the plot is as he said they're out he's out on a date with this italian lady he's torturing her english is her second language why are you like assaulting her with all the worst words in english and so she there's an attempt of seduction She says that your girlfriend basically is uninterested in you and she talks about how boring you are all the time. And then she tells him how all of the society ladies have all gotten a painting by John Royden, who is the latest art craze. And he does these portraits, which are awful, should be noted.

They're terrible. It's at the mall type portraiture. But the way he does it is he paints them first in the nude and then he paints their undergarments over that and then he paints the dress over that. And So when Joseph Cotton hears that, he thinks, I know what I'll do. I'll embarrass her in public by hiring this guy at immense cost to paint this Italian lady.

And then he's an art dealer and an art restoration specialist, right? So he's used to removing paint that's been placed over originals. From what I understand, he's the guy that fixed that very famous picture of Jesus, so now it looks like a Capuchin monkey. Yes, that is some of his work. Yeah, okay, good.

So he's going to remove her garments and then display the painting and embarrass her in front of everyone. And my thought was, you should just call her and say, hey, this heritan of a woman who was trying to seduce me told me that you said all these things. Is that true? And if it is, you can be honest with me, and we'll just have a conversation about that. Right, right, exactly.

Let's Handle it with a little maturity instead of this very elaborate plan of having this portrait done and then not even taking it down to the nudity. He takes it down to the underwear. Like garter belt, like underwear bra. Yeah. Not at all shocking.

That he's able to... take away that one layer of paint without taking any of the other layers. I mean, I guess he's really good at his job when it comes to being able to remove particular layers of things. So he basically strips her of her clothes and yeah, just leaves her there in her underwear. And then it's like, Oh, here's this big ceremony and I'm going to unveil this portrait and embarrasses her. But it just feels like everybody just turns around and walks.

They're just like, You know, this is very uncomfortable. We don't want to be here, which is the right reaction. I think just to get out of there. And then she's like, oh, it's okay. I forgive you.

You know, comes back after a while. I forgive you. Here's some caviar because we see him eating caviar at the beginning of this. And I was like, okay, well, obviously she doesn't forgive this guy. Obviously that caviar is maybe poisoned or going to knock him out.

And maybe she'll, I don't know, peel his skin off or something. But no, it's just poison. And then she ends up poisoning his butler as well. I'm like, whoops. Whoops, sorry.

Hey, baby, don't eat the leftovers here, guy. And then Joseph Cotton dies, and that's the end of the episode. They're laying with his arm out to this woman's portrait, and it's almost like they're holding hands as she's just watching him and the butler die. Now, I can believe his elaborate plot could occur. I believe somebody would be that petty and weird to do that.

That same petty weird person, however, might be a little on guard when the subject of their ire shows back up with food and says, I forgive you, eat this. Right, right. What? No, here, you first. And she does that fake out where she brings it up to her mouth and he's just so into it that he doesn't watch.

But, like, I'd be watching. I wouldn't be eating it at all. I'd say, thank you, you can go. Obviously, our relationship is at an end. Like....

Yeah, yeah. And he is such a pig for... or caviar he just is scooping it and scooping it the first time we see him he's just like. The traditional way yes and my my concern at the end of the episode was only that she did it so clumsily that she's going to get caught i. Mean exactly these two people are dead by poison she's standing i mean she could leave whatever but everyone saw her go in it's not She was just publicly humiliated by the guy. I mean, I expected her, honestly, to just shoot him when she walked into the room, but they wanted one more twist or something.

Come on, guys. Don't try and twist us at the very end. Yeah. Yeah. A little much.

A little far. It really... It takes this idea out for a walk quite. A bit in this. Where it goes, I don't know.

Not too satisfying overall. I mean, I like the idea of humiliating somebody through art. I just don't know that this is the way to do it. Right. Yeah.

And. I don't know. I just, like you said, have a conversation. And what she said sounded like it's not true. And while he is hearing Gloria Graham talk to him, and this is the thing that I'm very curious about, because he's hearing from Gloria Graham, here's all these things.

I heard how bored she was. I heard that she's going out with this guy who's just a real pain in the ass, yada, yada, yada. And in his mind, he's thinking back to the conversation while he's eating caviar. And seeing all of these things through a different perspective. And I'm like, well, is that the real perspective?

Or is that what Gloria Graham is putting in your head? Is she manipulating you this way so that you'll end up being her arm candy? Because, you know, Joseph Cotton, 80-year-old Joseph Cotton, what a catch. Completely. I can understand every lady's obsession with him.

Of course. Of course. But it's like, okay, so... Is she lying or is she not lying? I'm very curious.

Is she just reframing it? I think she was lying the whole time. I think none of that ever occurred. She just wanted to drive a wedge and it worked. Okay.

We don't get her perspective at the end. No. As the actual Iago of the piece. Right. Yeah.

No, in a very, very good comparison. But yeah, I just don't. This is not a Shakespearean tragedy. No. It's just a tragedy.

I will say, though, props to Alan Gibson. I like that one sequence, and I like this when anyone does this, where they're outlining a plan and we're watching it in action at the same time. Yes, I do like that. Props to that. Other than that, Mike White, where can people find you when you're not here talking tales?

Every time I'm not telling tales out of school, I'm over at the projection booth, which is at weirdingwaymedia.com. I put out a new episode, hopefully every week. You never know, getting kind of busy here, but yeah. That's where everything I do is available. How about you, Father Malone?

As for me, you're listening to it at midnight viewing. It's on twice a week. Here on Mondays, it's either Mike and I talking about Tales, or it's HP and I discussing a particular fest, or Laura Grillo and I discussing old tech that's new again on buttons, switches, and consoles. And every Friday is the weekly roundup where we look at things that are new, both in streaming and theatrical. Until next time, everybody.

Oh, next episode is going to be two more episodes from season two. Those are The Umbrella. And Genesis and Catastrophe. Great title. Terrible episode.

Ah, burying the lead. Talk to you next time, everybody. Try to enjoy the daylight.