Episode 66 - Vienna Waits

Weird media nis. You see that guy with it now, he's an actor. I can't drive. I'm the only camp driver in his place. Good evening and welcome tonight, mister Walters a taxi podcast.

A'm HP your co host and with me as always as my co host, father Malone, Father Malone, how are you this evening? There is a price barbarian. I don't even know what that's from. I can't even think of where that appears in the episode. It doesn't, but it does figure in.

Okay, that's fair, we'll get into it. I'm excited now to dig into a Taxi. Season four, episode two, Vienna Waits. This was written by Ken so do we We're waiting and waiting, and it's directed by Howard Storm. The what now?

What the hell is this like the lost member of the Fantastic Four? Howard Storm? I don't know. No James Borrows this week. I don't know where he might be.

Is he's off making that The Young Lawyer Show with Martin Short. That's probably because this is still too soon for cheers, so you're I think you're right about that. Reminder, we are doing these shows in broadcast order, and not in order of filming as always Fathom alone. We've reviewed some weird Taxi episodes. We've seen Jim's fantasy of leaving the world on an alien spacecraft.

We've seen Bobby believably impersonate Louis at a high school reunion. We've even seen Alex get pittinkend in his cab on a snowy night. But this episode is right up there in terms of weirdness. For a variety of reasons we're going to get into. I forgot how weird this was until rewatching it.

For this episode of the podcast. Some of the weirdness jumps right out at you, and some of the weirdness doesn't jump out at you at all, Like in the opening credits, for instance. There was there something in the opening credits, Father Malone, that you noticed that I didn't. Yeah, there's something that's no longer there, My man, Oh. Is it the credit for Jeff Conaway?

Correct? It now says Taxi also starring Danny DeVito. Huh, interesting because he does. He does make at least one or two other appearances this season, I believe, But huh, I did you know? I didn't notice that because at this point I just kind of skipped through the credits and get right to the show.

So good on you for spotting that. It's a little depressing, kind of a monumental episode and it's otherwise superfluous. Way that's true that it gives this episode a little more weight that I don't think it would have on its own. So I guess we'll have to bear that in mind, dear listeners, that the Bobby Wheeler era in Taxi Is is about to be over. That's the poor one out for Bobby Wheeler.

You're gone, but not forgotten. I will forever remember your shirt open to your navel. That's season two giant maine of lion hair. He loved to shake it. I will remember you mounting those Tony's fish on that giant plaque like it was an episode of Tales from the crypt.

Oh, Bobby will miss you so much, But then again, kind of kind of none at all. It's a bummer, but we'll we'll forge ahead here. We start in the garage as Nardo bounds. In, she's so before that. Before that, Tony is leaning against the cab and staring off to one side of the of the garage, motionless.

He's just doing nothing. And that's the sum total of what he does in this whole episode. In fact, Hey, yeah, yeah, what's that? Like, I guess this is that maybe nothing is the sign of a new director here, because he's just like I was just gonna stand here, Is that okay? And like heh yeah, yeah, okay, whatever you guys want, I'm just happy to be here.

I got nothing else to do in this episode. Why don't I just stand here and make like I was looking at somebody? Hey, whatever, you know, Tony, whatever you want to do, man, it's cool. So as Tony stands there for no apparent reason, we uh Nardo, Like I said, she she floats into the garage on on a cloud of excitement. She declares, and she does use the third person.

She declares that Elaine Nardo is going to Europe. Apparently her ex husband breezed in without warning and took the kids for four whole weeks. Father Milone, Now let me ask you, Oh, well, first of all, let's isn't this how every domestic kidnapping begins with the spouse kind of coming out of nowhere and saying, let me have the kids for a week or two. You know, I know it's not my scheduled visitation dates. But what the heck aren't there supposed to be rules for how visitation works?

Father Malone, I don't know how this could happen. Well, are there rules or are their rules sent by one of the parties and they can alleviate those restrictions on a per case basis. I'm sure that's true. But plus, the husband showed up and said, you want me to take the kids for a month, and she went, fuck yeah, I want you to take the kids for a month. Here just this is the same woman who is weeping, openly weeping.

I think it was the Christmas episode that the kids were with their father for the holiday. She couldn't bear the thought that these kids were gonna be away from her. And now she is like you, fuck yeah, take the kids. I don't care you want them for a month? You got them for a.

Month trip to Europe. Baby, take these children away. I'm gonna wipe the dust of New York off these shoes and gonna go globe trotting. Baby. This is my first clue, our first clue, in fact, that this episode is kind of a little cuckoo.

Alex muses that he's never heard her mention Europe, but she says that's the best part. When Vince this is her ex husband, we finally heard his name. I don't think we've ever heard his name before. His name is Vince. When he took the kids, she figured why not see more of the planet before she dies?

Honestly, Father Malone, this feels a little like cocaine a lane to me. She's sort of on a high. She's vibrating with this energy of wanting to go on this trip, and this passion seems a little. Edgy to me. Speedy coklane.

Cochlaine. By the way, does that mean her husband's full name is Vincent Nardo? I guess because her maiden name is O'Connor. We've heard that in a previous episode, so I guess it was Vince Nardo. Vince Nardo's a pretty cool name.

Actually, it is. A pretty cool name, and I'm sure he's actually a pretty cool guy. I mean, he's unless you're one of those juveniles who refer to testicles as nards, in which case you would have a field day with Vince Nardo. Do you figure Vince was picked on a lot as a kid? If well, he's a little too old to have been been exposed to the monster Squad's got nards.

Yeah, that really popularized nerds in a large way, when when before it was just another term for testicles that would have fallen by the wayside. I think true, And they made the bold choice to feature that line in the trailer. Trailer, it was a selling point, so of course, so of course they named that documentary Wolfman's Got Nerds. That's true, that's true. I have not yet seen it, but I've heard it's pretty good.

It's pretty spooky. It's pretty spooky, actually the documentary. Yeah, to see the the coult that has grown up around us what is basically a mediocre film. Alex wonders if Elaine shouldn't plan the trip in advance, but she says it's off season and it's cheap. In fact, she says Alex should come with her.

He protests, of course, why. Yeah, let's go, let's make a you know, let's let's paint paint the continent red. Let's Alex get off this continent, get over to that one, get out. Of here, Alex protests, but Elaine insists that she knows that Alex always wanted to go to Europe. But Alex says he just can't do it.

She presses him on the reason, and after playing a little coy, he says. Alex says, given their history, there's always been a certain amount of attraction there. Here's the kicker fatherm alone, he says, especially you for me. Are we in a fucking bizarro world? Right here?

On what planet? Would a beauty like Elaine have the hots for Alex. In this particular bizarro world? Because we're gonna see that this pattern over and over again, where Elaine Nardo, one of the most luminous creatures on planet Earth, is going to pick troll after troglodite after freakazoids as potential partners. Also, yes, what the fuck are you talking about?

Alex Rieger. He's somehow so full of himself that he believed, like, well, well, let's get into that. Before we get there. Is it that? Or is it that he can't face the fact that he has feelings for her so he's putting it on her And then he spends the rest of the episode figuring that out.

That's probably true, But why why isn't Elane going You're full of shit? You know what? Because she threw him threw herself at him like three times and then fucked with him once when he when he turned her down because of it. Well, that the one time that she kind of messed with him was she was under psychiatric care. She was going to a therapist.

So and then yeah, but there was another there was another flirtatious thing and another thing. But it's always her to him because he's smart enough not to make any move because it might be unwanted and then that would crush him. That's true. The one with Elaine's old high school rival, she did put the moves on him there, just to prove a point. I don't think she really had any romantic designs on him, but she she put him in his place cruelly.

We already talked about. But I just I just think like the ego on this guy to even say those words, even if he doesn't really mean them, if he's secretly insecure, what hell does he have to say it out loud? Yeah? Why does he have? Exactly why even bring that up?

Just say, you know, there's a thing. We're friends and you know people and under circumstances the end up you know, drunk and you know we could have sex and then that might fuck up this relationship of ours. So I'm worried about that. That's all you needed to say, you dickhead. You're right.

It's the way that he says it, because he's like, oh cool. We're not going to be able to keep your hands off of me, kid, like, you know, just keep your pause to yourself. Little lady Elaine says he's being silly, but Alex proceeds to go on about all the European women just waiting to throw themselves at a virile American stud like him. By the way, what delusion is that where Americans think they're just going to step off the plane in Europe and voluptuous Italian women are going to throw themselves at. Them because he's seen one too many you know, TNA movies on cinemax, because this is.

Like there's no cinemax. I guess it would be HBO at this point, or shows written. He's read too much, Ernest Hemingway. You think it's more literary his his you know fantasy. He's got some expatriot fantasy where you know, he's been reading all of these American authors who went over there and probably did fuck a lot of women.

But they were authors who were like, you know, interesting and not a cabby from New York. We're so used to thinking of Alex as the level headed, self deprecating, steady force in the garage, and this is just one's counter to almost all of that. Like, he has this idea. I mean, maybe it's born out of insecurity, but at the same time, I just don't know, I don't get it. Remember there was the episode where he was trying to come up with a fantasy.

Remember they were talking about all their fantasies, and he found it impossible to come up with a believable fantasy after like five or six tries. Yeah, apparently he has one in his pocket the whole time, European women. He just was too embarrassed to admit that he had this fantasy. By the way, no offense to New York cabbies. I'm not denigrating your professionals, just saying Alex is delusional about many things.

Apparently his stature as well. Wait, did I even need to qualify that considering we do a show about taxi and I'm constantly talking about taxi drivers and how cool they are. So take back my apology. Yeah, I don't think it's necessary, and they never make any bones about the job that they've chosen their vocation. You know, they don't have any illusion that it's this incredible, fabulous occupation.

So I don't think you need to apologize. I'm not saying necessarily that like an author is more attractive as a sexual partner to a woman in Paris but than a taxi driver. But it might be well, and there's there's a vignette that we're going to see that it tells that story a little bit, picks up that thread. So Elaine says Alex that he can go off with anyone he wants to, just like she could do as well. It'll be open, she says, but protective since they'll have the security of a familiar face in a foreign country.

Hollywood swingers. Apparently, Alex says a little too bitterly, in my opinion, that it's the lesson of his life that nothing ever sounds that good ever really happens. But he confirms with Elaine, look, if he finds somebody, he can just abandon a lane, to which she says, fine. What kind of fantasy world would Alex ever not want to spend all this time with a beautiful, intelligent, funny, vibrant woman such as a Lane like he would just drop her like a hot potato, because I don't know he's got a hot date in Lisbon. I don't get it.

So the whole basis of Alex's argument is that he will surely you find some gorgeous European woman who will cause him to abandon a lane. Him agreeing to this knowing what she looks like, means I agree that I am never going to see you on this trip because men are going to fall off. The fantasy he has about American men showing up in European women. That's actually going to happen with Elaine Nardo there, regardless of her nationality. When she's going to walk down the street, twenty three thousand men are going to go, hey, what are you doing later?

And she can just take her pick. So he should know that, whereas he's got this idea like, oh, man, I don't want to leave her all alone. What are you talking about, dummy? She will never be alone. She's barely on the plane before she's picked up her first male suitor.

It's no surprise to me because she's gorgeous. But how he thought with you know, him being him, that he would be fighting them off with a stick is beyond me. So let me get this straight, Elaine. We're going to go to Europe and then I won't see you for a month. Which is basically exactly what happens, although not in the way that he had hoped for.

So he's still waffling a little bit. Alex And but Louis makes an announcement over the over the pa about cleaning the puke out of cab four fifteen, and that basically seals it for him. He says, you know, another on second thought, and then we cut to the inside of the air we did skip. We did skip, you know, de Palma saying I'll go, I'll do it. Yeah.

He throws himself at Elaine a little bit the awful. I like, no, no, no, he says, you know, I want I want you to see this Sustine Chapel the way Leonardo da Vinci did any mimes being on her back. Basically yeah. Yeah. Elaine's reaction to it is like, you're an idiot, get back in the case.

They all kind of break up at it because it is so fucking ridiculous. I know, it's a come on and whatever. But it's so silly. Can't have her cake and eat it too, though, because Louis has done some awful things to her and will and that have really been real harassment, and he will do that again. She found this funny, she.

Did she she laughs it off, and then Louis goes back into his cage. I think the lesson there is just don't engage Louis. Just just ignore him. They'll go away on his own. That's that's true.

So, uh, we cut to u b roll of an airplane. That's that's in flight, and we cut inside. We're gonna see some terrible b roll. By the way, I don't want to bury the la it's so god awful fun hp. I could make an entire episode out of this old footage.

And the army rolls in and an octopus. Oh, I'm saving that for the big finale. What's to protect it? Was great? So we cut inside and it's uh, they're in the airplane, Alex in a lane and they're commiserating during the flight.

Alex furtively looks back at a woman who is flying alone. Elayne notices and encourages Alex to say hello to her. She really kind of does what they usually do the cabbes do with Laca, which is, Oh, you have a little crush, why don't you go talk to her? Why don't you you know? So she pushes him to the degree that Alex finally gets up and talks to this woman.

Then Alex uses what might be the worst fucking line ever ever. He says, the walk over here was the longest of my life, but the walk back will be even longer if you don't smile. There's something in me like when when a when a man tells a woman that she should she should smile, or smile more, or hey, why don't you give me a smile? It rankles me to no end. Father alone, It's so patronizing and and just it's terrible.

I don't know where he thought he was going to get off with this corny line. I read this proposal online somewhere. I don't know who the author was, but they suggested that the next time we get a version of the Joker, that it should be a female joker, and unlike a guy who went through some bad plastic surgery or got his face cut up or any number or has a fucking mental disorder that makes him laugh uncontrollably. That's the latest stupidest thing with the Joker. How about it's a woman who is told to smile so many fucking times that she loses her mind it decides to take it out on all of Gotham.

I would see that movie. I'd see that movie too, and it would be totally justified for the first time that the Joker would have a fucking purpose behind the chaos. It's so crazy that he lays his line on her and then the woman rightly. Tell him punched him in the face. Man, smile, you fucking smile, sweetheart, and walk your buns back up to the fucking front of the plane, you misogynist cocksucker.

It's nineteen eighty something now. So she tells them basically to get lost, But because Elaine is watching all of this play out, Alex essentially begs the woman to sit with her for a few minutes. Do you imagine It's so weird. It had been like, Hey, I'm the Redhead and I have a bent, and she bet me then I could not sit here. I will give you half of the money.

I'll give you ten dollars if I could sit like that. If he just was wondering about saving face, then that's the way to do it, not continuing to hit on her or clumsily going please let me sit next to you, the young lady. He could have come at it from any number of charming vectors. Like for him to say that would would have taken a little bit more forethought and not make him stand there like a like a like an idiot going ohoh bo bo bouh. Can I just sit can I?

Can I sit here for a minute? Can I smell your hair? Can I? You know? It's just so creepy what he's doing.

Does he does love to smell hair? Does he? He does love to sink his nose into a big mane of hair. He's like Crispin Glover in the Charlie's Angels movies. Right, really, so the woman threatens to mace Alex but and she so she pulls out this little tube, this canister, and he he notes that it's only banaka, but she sprays him anyway, and he gets it.

And now let me pause for a minute. Do you remember banaka? How popular it was? Everyone had banaka all the time. We're all spraying that stupid alcohol tasting minty, so disgusting.

There was like an oily residue that was left behind in your mouth, on your tongue, just like you want to sprape it off with your teeth. Have you got it? Have you ever had banaka spray in your eyes? We all have done it at one point during. I did not, not intentionally.

I don't think anyone did it, like on purpose. It sucks, Yeah, it sucks bad. It does. I'm sure it's better, relatively speaking than getting sprayed with mace or pepper spray. But either way, I don't want to get sprayed with any of that stuff.

I don't want any chemicals in my eyes. No, not at all. Humiliated, Alex walks back to his seat, only to discover there's some pretty boy sitting there holding a guitar, which is the weirdest thing. Like his name is Gary. It seems like his name should be Gary.

No, it's it's Todd Bentley. Todd Bentley, Okay, well, Todd Bentley, Tom Bentley and Vince Nardo at it again. Elaine introduces Alex to this guy, like I said, his name is Todd Bentley, and Todd Bentley makes a lot of mister riager sir comments like Alex is this ancient you know, like I think I think they established it. He's about twelve years older than he says. What I we're only like what six or seven years a party.

I think it's more like twelve star. It's the sir that it's just the icing on the cake. It's If there's anything that I enjoyed about this whole sequence is watching Alex. Actually, the whole episode really is a you know, taken as a whole is watching Alex continually being put in his place because he came into this vacation idea with with with the height of Hubris, that he's going to be a lady killer and he's going to just fuck his way across Europe, and that the reality is so much different than that. So that I liked.

I don't like what's about to happen here though, not at all. No, Well, but here's what's interesting for them. Depending on whether where you watch this episode, you may not be subjected to what we're going to talk about here, and we'll get into that momentarily. Todd pulls out a mixed up Rubik's Cube, which Alex swipes from him because it's his Rubik's Cube. This is going to be a bit of a runner this cube through the rest of the episode.

So side note. Rubik's Cube was released at the end of nineteen eighty and then they very quickly became a worldwide sensation. You and I grew up, you know, and observed this firsthand. I myself had several cubes of different colors. I even owned this thing called the Rubik's World, which was a spherical Rubik's Cube with a globe printed on it.

It was it was like a miniature globe. Rubiks and other companies put out a ton of other similar toys. I had a bunch of them, Rubik's Snake, the Missing Link Pyramids. Did you have any of these? Father alone?

I remember the Not Necessarily the News Rubik's grenade was that. Did Stuart Pankin do the ad for that? I don't. I think it was just the close up of the item and a voiceover. Okay, do you know that that was Conan O'Brien's first professional job was writing on Not Necessarily the News.

I did not know that, but it actually makes me very happy that I watched not Necessarily the New Time idea. We have been watching Conan O'Brien since the beginning. I had a Rubiks. I had a mini Rubik's cube that I could not solve. We had a regular Rubik's cube.

And because of the rubikscube phenomenon and the frustration that was built into that product that is on display in this episode, I do remember an older teenaged friend of mine showing me his method of solving it, which is he took a hammer to it and smashed it to pieces and then he just reassembled it and it was always a little too loose after that, but it was in the correct order. I was guilty of that too. I didn't take a hammer to it, but I figured out that you could twist it in such a way that it would expose the joints in the in the thing, and you could kind of like take it apart. You're right, though, it was ruined at that point because it was never quite as solid feeling, you know, at that point.

I have a friend named Damien who's a fantastic artist, and he's one of those speed cubers. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so weird. He's got he's got a dedicated cube that he always has like in his hands and it's flippity flippity flip there. It is like bah I worked for a guy, actually he was. He was my manager for a while and he was a big cube guy, and he was one of these guys he could solve the cube blindfolded, which is pretty badass in its own way.

I mean, it's nothing that's going to get you a date. I don't think with any European gorgeous women. But the thing is like even Damien, he's not looking while he's doing it. It's just a pattern. You're doing it.

Yeah, it turned this this that many times, that that many times, and you're just repeating that pattern in your head. Alex has been struggling with this Rubik's cube, and we'll see that time and time again. In this episode, Elaine tells Todd that she heard him playing guitar in the boarding area and he plays so well, father Malone, suavely, and then he he turns on. Of course he's now he's coming to a lane. He says, there's there's one more song in this guitar just for you, pretty lady.

And he's one more of Vienna in here. So he starts to stride. He starts to sing the song Vienna Waits of Course by by Billy Joel and it becomes a duet between him and Elaine, and soon the rest of the passengers on this flight they start to take notice. And it's like that scene Father Malone and Airplane. You remember when the stewardess starts saying it was.

Just thinking out where the Harry Krishna lowers down from above like he's upside down. Everyone's so delighted, which you know that movie had been out for years by the time they did this episode. Were they unaware that that that sort of thing had already been like wildly parodied. It's just weird to me. Everybody is immediately smiling because of this hack.

Pretty boy singing this this song. Have you I've ever been in like a plane lounge or waiting area and somebody whips out the guitar and starts singing it's these days, it's usually some poor hippie who doesn't know any better, and it's maybe starving because they didn't have enough protein. But it's it's really obnoxious. Nobody wants that. The fact that everyone was just like, yeah, out of the way, I want to I need to see these two playing guitar.

It's mental. Look I I play guitar myself. I would never think to pull out a guitar in the middle of a I mean, I've seen videos where people do this, like they'll they'll put on a little show for the other passengers. I gotta tell you, father moment. If I was on a plane and somebody did that like, I would be fucking pissed.

Like I am a captive audience, I don't want to hear you play some stupid Britney Spears cover on your guitar because you think you're being funny. No, I would hurl my peanuts and I and I hold those peanuts deer. Can I get a second bag? Please look at the size of me. Can I have a second bag of fucking peanuts?

You used to serve fucking fish? Like I said, everybody is digging this song except for Alex, who is pouting and he's acting like a child because somebody has taken Elaine's attention away from him. It's funny because one was one passenger who keeps tapping Alex to move out of the way because they can't see this guy playing the guitar. It winds up to this big finish, and a snarky Alex twists the tuning knobs on a couple of strings before he hits the final strum of the chord, and it's all out of tune, and the guy is, oh, what happened here? And they all kind of look at Alex, who pretends not to notice.

Now here's the side note that I've been sitting on father alone. I'm going to get into this. This version of some science We're gonna talk. We're gonna talk some copyright issues, actually music copyright. The version of this episode that's available on DVD omits this song as well as any other instance of Vienna Waits because it pops up through every transition to a new country.

There's a refrain of Vienna Waits performed by this sound alike. It's not Billy Jones's sound. Alike, clearly yeah. Presumably because of music copyright issues this scene. If you're watching this on the DVD, this scene literally ends right as Elane says you play so well, which is totally jarring.

There's no feel that the scene has ended. It's just a hack cut right in the middle of it, right in the middle of her sentence. Basically, yeah, I have the DVD, and I honestly, I think this might be the first time I've seen this episode. I'm probably misremembering. I'm sure in my youth I saw it and just didn't it didn't register, but I do.

I did remember that there had been controversy about some episodes and copyrights and stuff. So as soon as that cut occurred, I went, oh, okay, and I turned off the DVD and I pulled up Paramount Plus and I watched the episode properly. It's not a good way to watch the episode. And then Plus, as I said, the transitions when they go from say London to Greece, there's a little b role montage and they'll they'll play a refrain from Vienna Wades. But if you're watching the DVD, they cut in basically like you know, source music, like like a little bit little classical piece or some generic piece of music.

I'll get into that as we talk about these things. But the preferred way, if you really want to watch this as it was intended such as it is, you're gonna want to seek out Paramount Plus, as Father Malone said. And now HP they travel back in time to the mid nineteen seventies, London. How'd they do it? Why are they?

There is doctor who in trouble? It is so jarring. We come out of commercial with an old this is I wrote down old, old b roll shots of London. And at one point it's a shot of a thoroughfare and I swear, like you're saying from the seventies, I swear it's from like nineteen sixty two. All of the cars are super old, Like I can't I don't know cars.

I will say that, having watched all of the Hammer and Amicus films from the nineteen seventies, that the shots of Piccadilly Circus like that, that is definitely seventies footage. Okay, so you see you're familiar with this b roll. Yeah, the the cars in London didn't seem to get really varied until the nineteen eighties. So it's not even just the cars, but the quality of the footage has a real aged film faded quality to it. There's even like this stupid voice over of like a Lane's like, hey we're in Europe.

As we're seeing a shot of a double decker bush, We're led to believe they're on it, and you know, Alex, so every Penny counts, we're in your whatever, it's really bad. Then a Twiggy walk past at one point looking fabulous. For the DVD version, the London b Roll is soundtracked by generic stuffy string quartet kind of stuff. Regardless of how you feel about Billy Joel and Vienna Waits, it does add a little bit of personality and it is sort of thematically appropriate to the story that they're telling. So when you take that out any that one redeeming feature is sort of taken away, and what you're left with is it's just like it's like that scene in Wayne's World where they're in front of the green screen and he's like, I'm in Delaware.

Look, I mean, it's basically just a parade of bad, cheesy b roll. When you know they didn't shoot it in. Europe, it's crazy that there's so much of it. Like there's like three or four different shots of London before we cut back to the sound stage in Hollywood. Right and like Burbank, so we cut to the inside of what we're supposed to believe is a British pub as Riager and Nardo are writing up postcards to send back home.

They're doing a little humorous captions and having a lot of fun with this, and Elaine suggests that they meet regularly at five pm every day to send postcards together. But again, fucking Alex puts the brakes on it by saying, I don't know, Elaine, I don't want to tie us both down. There's a Julie Christie look alike I've had my eye on. Yeah, yeah, you delusional, fool. So delusional.

And Elaine just is very game about it. She says, she's very gracious. She says, well make it if you can. You know, she doesn't really get up upset about it. I'm getting upset about it.

Just then this British guy walks in and he's got like this the like a smals kid blazer, kind of like a boyfeloy. He comes in and he greets. A lane a crest on it, like they will give you if you've forgot to wear a jacket. And he's just like, this is ridiculous. People wear these.

It looks and she the guy's name is James, and Elaine introduces him to Alex. Cjon Smythe. He must have been called Sinjohn Smythe. He must have had a hyphenated name. Do you know that I had no idea for the longest time that that was just Saint James.

Smythe not Sinjon. Sounds to me like he's part Indian, like Hindu. I assumed that that's what it was at the family at some point well during the raj period, Like, No, it's just a fucking ridiculous way to say Saint James. Yeah John, is it Saint John? I don't even know what's going on in England.

This defeat English guy introduce gets introduced to Alex and he says something to the effect of h Elaine's platonic friend, which, if we're being honest, Alex richly deserved. Oh yeah, And then James also asks Alex whether he's met any of those steamy, sultry women, which also indicates to me that Elaine is oversharing with a total stranger. Like that kind of makes me hate her a little bit, right, I mean, this is a private joke between Elayne and Alex. That is true. That was a bullshit move I get At the same time, she's been seen with Alex and he said, oh, I don't want to interrupt, and she says, no, no, no, that's my platonic friend, like he doesn't know better.

He thinks he's after sultry, steamy women here, and sure we're we're not doing anything like that. It could have been as casual as that. It doesn't have to be conspiratorial. And let me tell you about my friend and what it done. No no, no, no no.

I'm sure she wasn't doing it out of out of maliciousness. I'm just saying, if you have a friend, and that's what they are at this point, friends, and you share a private joke, you kind of know over time, like what's what's for publication and what's not. That seems to me like that. That seems to me that would be embarrassing under any circums dance. I agree it was.

It was not cool. Not cool. James says that he and Elaine have to have to dash because they have reservations, But before leaving, Elaine asks Alex if if he has plans. She says, well, you can join us if you don't, But he begs off and Elaine leaves, and then Alex watches them go in sort of stony silence, and he starts awkwardly playing darts, and he gets a little fancy he does this like under the leg thing, and then he turns around and tries to behind the back throw which. He watch this, we're gonna we're gonna see a mechanism in full display here.

You know how they used to you know they used to do arrows and cowboy movies. Well, I'm gonna show you right now. I knew you were going to pick up on that because he throws the dart behind his back and there's a behind his back and there's a guy. It hits the guy. The dart hits the guy facing the dartboard in his back.

But you can see it's almost like the dart does this little corkscrew thing and it look it kind of I mean, it's not a terrible effect, but. It pops up from his It just like goes playing like like goes from a ninety degree angle like like. What it lands in the port. They didn't even use like a filament and like throw it across the thing like that's how they used to do it, where they would shoot it and it would stick into a board or something. This is the eldest method of the It's already buried in your clothing and it just goes spraying we cut.

To another bit of b roll. Now this, this shoddy birole is for Greece this time father loh the you see like the the Acropolis from an aerial view, and this, the DVD version, is soundtracked by some generic Greek sort of folk music playing over you. We all, I mean, you're hearing it your head. People who are listening to this, you know that with like the THEI bazukis I said Bazuka. I meant Bizuki's playing.

And if you've been in a Greek diner you've heard it. Oh pa, everybody, oh bah, yeah exactly. So we cut inside of this very earthy Greek bar, which clearly reeks of fish. Alex is sitting there writing up more postcards while a lusty looking a Lane is dancing some sort of Greek dance with a big, sweaty old Greek guy. And they finished the dance and sit at alex fantasy.

First the gross Englishman, first grossed Englishman. Now this sweaty, dumpy freakazoid what Alex. Is complaining about the smell? And then the old this old Greek guy does a very stereotypical Greek thing where he's like, I love this smell of fish, I love life, I love love, and he's kissing Alex all over his head like all of this stuff. And Anthony Quinn was not available.

Right And by a side note, by the way, the Rubik's cube is sitting on the table, it's still mixed up. It's a runner. It's following us through this whole episode. After the old guy sort of goes away for a minute, Elaine says that she can do one postcard and then she has to go, and Alex whinds that, hey, this is their postcard time, but Elaine reminds him they agreed to do it only if they could. Alex complains that Elaine has been cutting down her time and she was late today and.

She brought the sweaty dance and freak. Alex's argument is unterrupted when he notices a beautiful woman sort of glancing through the window and he freaks out. He says he met her and asked her to meet him here. She's a model from Paris, father alone, and he can't even believe that she showed up. I can't even believe that she showed up.

And I'm watching this episode. But her presence here would you make would that make you describe Alex as a man of great strength. I'm talking about the actress Cassandra gava Is. What she's credited is here, but I know her as Cassandra Gaviola. She's the witch in Conan, the barbarian get out of here.

I kind of recognize her, the one who starts to scratch his back and yep, then she starts, she shrieks, and. She tells him how to find Falsa Doom and then tries to kill him. Yes, wow, great pole father alone. I had no idea that's who it was. As soon as she walked in and went, oh, man, she looks really familiar, and then she had the lowest voice imaginable.

I went, oh, it's the witch. I don't know what the hell she sees in Alex that she would even follow him here. Do you know that she's also one of the one of the gaggle of gowls in Night Shift? I didn't know that. Her character's named JJ.

If you watch it now, you'll see her right away. Wow. So this was kind of like her moment between that and Conan and Night Shift and everything TAXI. Wow, she's she sort of had a bit of a Suzanne Plachette thing in this. In this one, yeah, yeah, kind of husky, clearly she's got range.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, Alex beckons this woman into the bar, and there's this really weird moment I don't know if you caught it father alone, where they the camera cuts to this one shot. Of a lane. It's an insert which they do not do on Taxi. By the way, I did not know while we were, while I was watching it that this was not a James Burrows directed episode. That somehow eluded me every time I watched the episode makes sense now though, it sure does, because while I was watching, particularly the Greek scene, the shots of the b roll shots leading up to it, I thought, this is just a hodgepodge, like what's going on with James Burrows?

And then when they do this insert shot, I went, that's super clumsy. That would never happen. I get what they're doing, which is they're showing that she's intimidated by this other gorgeous women woman who is suddenly you know, infatuated with riger potentially, but it's it's so not the regular pattern of direction for the show. It is weird, but but even but just story wise, it didn't make sense. She What we see is Elaine kind of stiffens a little bit when she sees this woman come in, like it almost makes like you said, it's a little bit of jealousy on almost on her part that there's this Suddenly Alex's fantasy isn't so weird.

Maybe there is a woman who's interested in him, you know, here in Europe. So I just thought that was odd. So Alex introduces the woman her name is Desiree, to Elaine, who then insists that she and the old guy need to leave. And Desiree looks Alex over and tells him that he's not dressed, and he says, no, no, you're the one who's over dressed. She asks Alex what he wanted to do, and he says, oh, I don't know, walk talk.

She says that they have plenty of time to go back to his hotel and he can change before they go to the casino. By the way, I didn't know casinos and Greece were like a thing. I didn't either, I thought, I mean, if she was, if they were in Monaco, I would say this bit makes more sense. But anyway, we're going with it. So Alex tells her that he's a quote working man, and how much is the casino?

Desiree lays this line on him that if you have to ask how much, of course you can't afford it. Desiree, who is apparently a compulsive gambler, apologizes, but says she must go to the casino tonight. It's imperative she has. It was a funny, funny little bit when she just got up and ran basically, I must go to the casino. Yeah, I have to go to the casino tonight.

Alex gets all affronted and he says, what kind of a person are you? To just dump a guy because he can't afford a trip to the casino, And then we get the vaudeville punchline French, I'm French, I'm French, French. That's our time. And in Greece, we cut to b roll of a vienna. This is another super old bit of b roll and it looks like it reminded me of the streets where the Willy Wonka movie was shot.

The DVD soundtrack at this point is Strauss is the Blue Danube Waltz. We cut into a fancy restaurant where Alex is fretting to himself about how expensive Viennese food is. Do you know that you can look at a menu before you sit down. It's always outside the major d stand. That's why it's there.

If you can't afford it or you don't want to pay, don't fucking come in. Yeah, that's that's really that easy. I mean, he orders a clear broth for now. And by the way, again, the Rubik's cube is on the table, like I could see a child bringing this stupid puzzle to every restaurant they go to. But why is why is a grown man like Alex toting this child's toy at every fan It's.

Just I don't know it's a symbol or you know, he's figured out the puzzle that is his actual attraction to Elaine Nardo. Oh you think you think that's they're trying to make it a metaphor for his er. Yes, okay, I never thought of it like that, but I could see that. I'll go with that. I'll go with it.

Elaine breezes into this dining room. She looks phenomenal. She's in this stunning white gown. I mean, it's just breathtaking, truly breathtaking. I've said this before.

Elaine Nardo looks great when she's completely dressed down and looking gross. But she's a luminous here. It's it, she's staggering. You know, we've seen her get all sort of gussied up for events, like when Alex's daughter was married. She she accompanied him to the wedding and she looked good there.

This might be the best formal look that Elaine has ever had. She she she's completely stunning, luminous. Just she comes in and you get it. It's like, okay, of course, men all across Europe are falling over themselves for this woman. And here's why.

I mean, she's unbelievably gorgeous here. This is a bit of like a screwge situation though, right. What it takes for him to learn that everyone hates him and they're going to like dance on his grave, right, so he has to see her at her as like in superstar status before he figures out, oh this she could be the girl for me. Alex asks Elaine where she's going, and she replies she's going to a dinner party. Alex notes the nice gown and she replies that one of her dates designed it for her.

I'd be pretty pissed if I were her date and I designed a dress for her and then she didn't show up. By the way, yeah she bagged out of it. Yeah. So Elaine tells Alex don't be bitter. But even though he says he's not bitter, he proceeds to basically lay out his bitterness.

He recounts to Elaine the guy in France that own a vineyard that she got involved with, the guy in London who was a member of parliament, this sin John guy or whatever. Curiously, he brings up the aging contessa in Italy who called her daughter, which makes me think that Eleene is an equal opportunity player in Europe. Are you saying she was having a homosexual affair? Possibly, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think I said she should go for it.

But I think the fact that they said that she called your daughter is meant to imply that she was even adopted by this woman. I don't buy that. I think I think that. I think she fully went for it. Good for you, Elaine, I mean some some aged countess who's.

Like I get Italian women, man, You know, sure? Why not? So? And Alex also mentions a monk who broke a thirty year valve silence just so he could say, wow in Spanish. They've been everywhere, man, I mean, it's pretty insane.

They've been to Spain. These are the things that we haven't seen in this episode. Even been a month. A month of travel, that's all that's exhausting. It sounds like to me.

I would go to one place and I would stay there for a month. Yeah, because then you can really dig into the culture and really become familiar. So Elaine observes that Alex hasn't really enjoyed Europe and cites his evidence and this is embarrassing father alone. She says, there was a night in Barcelona where Elaine Elaine heard Alex crying himself to sleep in the next room. How do you recover from that?

Well, he does. But maybe it's the pity factor that works in his favor here. Do you think he was just being performative there and maybe hoping that she heard him crying himself to sleep? Jesus, I hope not. That's even worse.

Let me be clear, I'm not bagging on him for expressing his emotions and crying, because I think that's totally natural, and that's fine. I'm not coming down on him for that. I'm just saying, given the circumstance and knowing probably that Elaine was right next door, I'm wondering if there wasn't more to his his breakdown than just I'm crying myself to sleep. I don't know. Look, either he does not understand discretion, or he's a performative asshole.

Either way, it's a problem. Big problem. He wonders if he maybe expected too much from Europe. Alex expected more romance. He says, he never met that woman.

This is so Alex, this line. He says, he never met that woman on the cobblestone street, who, without a word of English, makes the greatest night of his life. Possibly to change the subject, Elaine notes that Alex solved the Rubik's cube. She says, oh, you solve the cube? How'd you do it?

But he said, as he peeled the stickers off and put them back in the right order, which, to your point earlier, we've all done something like. That, Yeah, including peeling the stickers off, Like that's how I solved my cube. Elaine says to Alex that she can cancel her plans and they can spend their final night in Europe together. Alex makes another dumb statement about not knowing what might happen between the two of them, But despite all that, he's so appreciative that she's just talking to him, that he thanks her for even talking to him, and she goes, Oh, It's like this pathetic whining of Alex's is getting to Elaine. I don't understand it.

She's having the month of her life and this assholes dragging her down. You know, this all could have been solved with a conversation before they got on the plane, which is they should have said. He should have said from the very beginning, so let's just go do this, you and me for a month, you and me, we're gonna be romantic, ring do Europe. What do you think We're gonna go be different people for a month. We're gonna leave those people there.

We're gonna come back and we're still gonna be cab drivers and we're still gonna be friends. But for a month, we're just gonna be you know, living. But he's but he's so fearful of ruining their friendship though I don't I don't see that he would have been that upfront with her from the beginning, and I'm not sure she would. Have gone for it. You know what, though, I wouldn't have waited till the last day of the trip.

No, that much is absolutely true, because he's been miserable. I mean, it's been a whole month of this for him, just getting kicked in the teeth while she's having the time of her life. So he should have said at some point, look, Elaine, I'm sorry, this isn't really working for me. Can we, you know, alter the terms of our agreement and maybe spend more time together because this is killing me. So Elaine finds a post that's addressed to her.

Alex fumbles trying to keep her from reading it that she's not supposed to read it until they get home. It says that their time writing postcards was the best part of his trip. He didn't want her to read it now because he didn't want to spoil their friendship, but then Elaine reminding him it. Would be much better, to much better to plant a time bomb that fucking destroys our friendship when we get back to the world where we actually have to fucking deal with each other every day. What a great plan you've come up with.

That's really what it is, because then there's nothing that they can do to get that back. They'll never get They're not going to be in Europe again, the moment will have passed. So hey, just a reminder. We could have spent a month having a guilt free, enjoyable time together. I just wanted to mention that now that we're home.

Now that I've spoiled it and then missed my shot. But then Elaine reminds him that they've known each other for four years now. They've seen each other at their best and their worst, yet they've remained friends. Elaine then says these faithful words. She wonders if their friendship might be strong enough to survive one night of love.

Now, this being network television in nineteen eighty that nothing more need be said, but we're reading between the lines here. What she's saying is I am giving you my permission to have one guilt free night of sex with me, and we will then go back to our friendship as if nothing happened. Yes, that's the crude way of taking and I took it as actual love. You know what, HB, I'm not even joking when she said it. I went yeah, you're right.

One night of just you know, you two together and it is love, you know what I mean? It is this this Sure, you know, I don't know I'm. Being purposefully crass. Sure, But at the same time, the same romantic spark in me made me want to throw my television out the window when he didn't immediately lean in and kiss her, Like what are you doing? How many?

What do you else do you need? You fucking dumb. It's all there on a silver platter for him to pick up, and he just sort of, I don't know, he doesn't take the bait as quickly. We're kissing now please, Yeah, let's get out of here, so I wrote down here. Alex, clearly nursing a huge erection, asks her to go for a walk, and she accepts because he's he's kind of leaning in in this really weird way and he's almost sort of speechless, and he says it in this funny way, you want to go for a walk.

It just gives me chills just even thinking about it. And she accepts. She's so warm and sweet and just she really, if nothing else, she's playing the part of this woman who finds Alex arming, and she. She's doing the fantasy. She shows up, he's in a cafe.

She shows up looking fucking you know, from out of this world, and now she's leading him away to have sex with him. Of course, there's no lust in any of it. It's like Alex has managed to remove any of the of the fun that was that was coming uh with this evening. There is no lust, there's no hungrily wanting your partner. She just kind of says, I'd love to take a walk, and then they get up.

They're gonna do it once missionary, and then they're gonna sit there all night and he's just gonna talk. It's that whole scene just played out in my head, and there's nothing sexy about it. At all at all. It was just gonna be like kind of you know, fun for them for a second whatever. But it wasn't gonna be like a night of passion that he would have been having for a month in international climates.

A lot of like fumbling, Oh you okay, is this good? You know it just it would just be a lot of fumbling and awkward. You're absolutely right. I gave it more credit than it was due. It was their first time and it was going to be their only time and it was going to be bad.

They're into each other at least for this one night, so good for them. I don't want to harsh their mellow in any way, but let's be honest, it's it's not going to be the light the night of passion in Romance that he's hoping for. She's kind of doing him a solid in a weird way and very sweet about it, but still. As they walk out, Alex exclaims, I finally got a date in Europe. But we both know he really means the final We know he really means I'm finally getting late in Europe.

That's to be crazy. Everybody call me signor pity fuck. They walk out and on the DVD we get another version of the Blue Danube Waltz instead of Vienna Waits. As much as we've bagged on this episode, I have to say like taking out Vienna Waits, really it kind of fundamentally changes the feel of the episode in so many ways. I didn't love it either way either version.

I'm still having the same problems with it. But at least Vienna Waits as a song makes sense thematically for what they're going through because it's all about like, hey, let's take our time. You don't have to rush, let's just enjoy this Vienna Waights for you. So to not have that on the DVD as kind of a kind of a crime. While it's good that they were able to put it out with without Vienna Waights, I can't help thinking that it's just not a good way to watch the episode.

What did you. Think, Well, clearly the episode was written to the song, so it's kind of important. Also, yeah, I think the DVDs. You know, the DVDs are a few years old now, and I'm sure that was the licensing issue then, and that's like a separate company that comes in and licenses taxi from them to release on DVD and then they can't afford the licensing, so that's what gets released. But I guess Paramount Plus doesn't have that problem because it's streaming.

Is that the idea that there's no you're not paying extra for it, like. Well, you don't own it. It's not a physical item that you own. So maybe that's maybe because you can't physically own a copy, maybe those rights laws don't apply. The the licensing is different.

I suppose that is the end of the episode. Now we're going to talk about yellow lights. What doesn't yellow light meant? As a reminder, we score every episode from one to five yellow lights. One is the worst taxi episode five is the best, and as is also our custom, We're going to throw it to you father alone.

What do you give Vienna Weights? I give Vienna Weights three yellow lights, but for the amazing appearance of Elaine Nardo at the end of the episode, I give one more yellow light, four yellow lights. In Toto, you're giving this episode four yellow lights. I am shocked. I am giving one full yellow light just for her in that final scene and all of the side boob that I was completely focused on the entire time.

I'm giving this episode two yellow lights, and I feel like I'm being generous for them alone. Well, I enjoyed this episode. I don't know what to tell you. It was so vexing to me. Everything that Alex does is so dunderheaded and it just makes no sense to me.

Alex is in this episode. Alex is a miserable asshole who gets everything he deserves, with the exception of actually getting to be with a Lane for a night. Yeah, I agree, And you know what, we haven't seen this before, and it's about time that he gets he gets a bit of medicine. I suppose, but it felt sort of character for him that it just took me out of the episode. Every bad decision he makes just pulls me out more and more.

So I figure any episode that you can continue to watch after a group of strangers on an airplane all gather around some blow dried jerk off from California singing a fucking Billy Joel song, then then the episode deserves a yellow light because somehow they kept you involved. It's our job to watch this. I mean, even if I I'm just. Saying of things that were like unbelievable in the episode, that's the moment. I guess I can't argue with that, but I'm sticking with two yellow lights.

So that's four yellow lights from Father Malone, two yellow lights from myself. That's gonna do it for this episode of night, Mister Walters, Father Malone, Where can folks find you when you're not clocked into the garage? I have a show called Midnight Viewing. It's on twice a week. We look at horror antholis television shows.

We look at series of films, made science fiction of late, we're doing Star Trek Fest. HP and I do that one together, and I've got a Patreon channel Patreon dot com slash fatherom Alone where you get exclusive stuff like a show about werewolves and a show about Rick Moranis and other things. It's all good stuff. Please please please check it out, especially the weekly roundup with follom Alone and Ripley Gene. It's great stuff.

I listen religiously every week for myself. As Father Malone said, I'm in the midst of trek Fest with Father Malone, where we're going over the Star Trek film franchise. That's been a delight. I host the Noise Junkies music podcast, and I also have a bandcampsite Hpmusicplace dot bandcamp dot com. Thanks again for listening.

Please feel free to subscribe to the podcast, write a review, or rate us. We'd love to hear from you. My email address is Hpmusicplace at gmail dot com. For Father Malone and myself, thanks again to listening and we'll see you next time. Thank mister Walders.