Episode 05: A Bird in the Hand

Police Squad in Color, starring Leslie Nielson, also starring Ellen North and Rex Hamilton as Abraham Lincoln. The night's special guest star Robert Gouley, Ready a Fire the nights episode A Bird in the Hand. Welcome to from the files of Police Squad in Color. I'm your host, Mike Woy Joining me is mister Chris Stashew, Like, I don't see your approved hat. Please take that some brero off also with us, of course as mister Mark Begley.

Next week we'll discuss ten things you can Do with a carrot. On this episode, we're talking about the fifth episode of Police Squad, though was broadcast third Man oh Man, oh Man. And this is where we really start to get into this whole thing of Sally Decker and all the other people that were taken up to Statesville Prison. It's like, come on, guys, or what purpose? Who cares?

They just go and remember Sally Decker and Da and it's like it's a great bit though I love it. It's but to what end, I guess is my point? They never do anything with it. Maybe they were thinking about doing something with it at some point. It's kind of funny that they did it, and then it's really ignored by decided.

I never noticed it until you mentioned it, Mike, And now every time I'm listening for how how many names did they just say? And yes, it's very clear that he rattles off the previous four exactly if it had gone to the end of the season and they had to literally rattle off like thirty goddamn by right, But I feel like that is what the payoff was, right at some point, it's just like this overly expansive list of people that Hawkin is just that, and Frank at the end of it just like is that it ed like and Sally's play Decker. Yeah, that's what I feel like. That's what they were getting to with the gag and it. I will agree to your point, Mike.

It's funny that they have some sort of continuity in a comedy show that's not a In the mid eighties, that's not something anybody was worried about, was continuity, case and point, Barney Miller, Colsheck most of those shows, Colombo. Even this episode is called the Butler did it kind of gives it away right there in the whole title. It is, Oh, how where do we begin with this one. It is a kidnapping plot that takes place in a jet, and he's garden. It is the daughter of a very wealthy textile merchant.

Of course, this actor, I've sewing him a ton of times. Yeah, right after we talked about textile places, I'm trying to think of who this actor is. Is this Nicholas Coster? He's the poor man? And whenever I see him, my first thought is, oh, it's the mayor from Jaws, And then I have to reconfigure my brain and go, o, man's Murray Hamilton's yeah, Murray Hamilton.

Yeah, Yeah. This guy's been in a ton of stuff. He kind of reminds me a little bit of Garrett Graham, just a little bit around the eyes. For some reason, I could see that. Definitely not nearly as goofy as Garrett Graham.

He's no beef baby. So I have to ask right off the top, there's a sign in this party that's on the wall. Did you guys notice this? The sign behind Frank as he's walking through or sorry, behind this textile merchant as he is walking through his daughter's birthday party. Thought it said happy birthday, So I ignored it because that sign Okay, there's another sign that talks about High Howard.

Oh, I can't remember who else was on the sign. It's like Giffer is one of them. I was thinking as Frank Gifford, but it talks about Monday night football on the sign. What makes it stick out so much is that it takes forever for the first joke to even happen on this episode. One it does happen, It's a dumb joke.

It's the whole the cake blows away, but the candles are still their joke. And then you wait another few minutes until they go out into the Japanese garden. Where's all of these Japanese people standing in pots? This whole episode, I'm just like waiting for the jokes it was. We talked about how this was a joke a minute every single episode, but this episode sorely disappoints a lot of ways.

I mean, there's some good bits to it. Yes, I definitely laughed quite a few times, but man, these jokes are kind of few and far between. In this one. I liked the something different joke, didn't you? That was really funny?

Which one's that where he's like play something different? Ah? Yes, that's the first gag in the entire episode, and it pretty much sets the no pun intended sets the tune for the rest of the episode, which is, Oh, we're starting to run out of steam, guys. Yeah, that's why when I watched these last year or the year before, I probably watched this one as the fifth episode. That's why I felt like, Oh, by this time, after four episodes, it's really obvious that they're losing steam.

The gags go on for so long I noticed, and I are even wrote my notes a long time without a gag, and then, like you say, that Kate gag is kind of flat. Everything in the house are groners. Once they get out of there, it picks up a little bit, and then you know, I start falling behind on writing what the jokes are like usual. But yeah, that opening is just a snorefest. It was he investigating crimes at a zoo, and that was pretty good.

That you're busy with a fedoran. It's fucking hilarious. I mean, that's probably just the setup for the epilogue and the frame. Really those first couple of episodes where they're implying, like you picked up on Mike that Frank may in fact be a serial killer or a criminal of some story, because he's always at the scenes where these horrible things are happening. I mean, he's a policeman, but he's not there as a policeman when he gets the calls, and they've abandoned that already, which is odd.

I wonder if that's going to come back in the movie or not. No, okay, I can tell you with absolute certainty, the movies exist without all of this. The fact that the first movie opens and he's in Los Angeles. Right. That's the thing that I had forgotten about this show is it really feels like a set and it's like so set bound.

It's starting to wear on me a little bit. Now. I don't think it's part of the joke, But if I were making this show now, that would be part of the gag. The locations are being reused, but we're trying to fool the audience into thinking it's something different. I think that would be part of the gag.

Now, what you could make it part of the gag, kind of a metatextual gag to go along with the writing, kind of taking a dive. They really make this feel the most set bound of any of the episodes. I can't believe that mime gag goes on for as long as it does. That was so shocking to me for a show, and I guess three people whose joke styles our rapid fire. Every scene got to have something that is the antithesis of the za Z writing style is to just have a gag go for what seems like five minutes.

I know it's not, but it goes on and on and on, and then when you think it's done, it keeps going. And I was just thinking to myself, Deborah Huang Marriott and Robert k. Wise, you know, for his Middle of the Road as Tito Insanna and Robert Wool's episodes have been, this is just like they watched the other episodes or they watched Airplane and we're like, okay, we can do this. No, it's a pale imitation of almost every other episode of this show. Though there were some gags, you know, I like the tapping of the phone, I keep them on longer, and the way that she's asking all these ridiculous questions, especially when she gets to the math question.

That's great. I agree. The stuff of the mind goes on for a little bit too long though. I was very happy that Peter Ebling one of the juicy fruits, Yeah yeah, or when of meats Backup Guys or whatever bands of Gary Graham, Yeah, exactly, that's kind of cool. I like the basketball stuff as well, where Frank ends up playing against the guy.

I thought that was really good. That looked like a real location to me, specause of being set down one of the few, yeah, one of the few in the entirety of this show. Yeah, and the entirety of the show that Yeah. And it has one of the better Act two gags Act two Bowl all three. That was good.

That is a when you're doing something with what's already been laid out for you, they kind of nail it. The first gag of the episode, I would contend is the Robert Goulay gag, which, yes, let's not forget that. Yeah, very funny. Obviously Robert Goulay will come back in the second movie. I think the Tommy Lasorda gag is pretty funny as well.

Then it's like all the other kind of quote original gags or just all over the place in a way that we really haven't seen most of the time. They all feel the same, but the quality differs. This is like completely different kinds of gags, almost from a show, not like this one. The big gunfight at the end is so much his gunfight with Sally Decker right they're across the street, rather than it being that close. It was funnier when they were closer.

And then you know the whole cover mey thing where he throws the blanket over the captain and he runs over and starts tripping over things. I mean, that was kind of funny. It goes on too long, though, and they even point that out in the commentary, like, oh this it's still going there is a payoff, but it didn't need to go that long. And that's I think the complaint that we've all had on this episode is that the jokes play out too long. Did we need to see the mime jump out the windows the way he came in?

Like yeah, really, like you're going to devote any amount of time to that, or I couldn't figure out what the purpose idea need was behind the tuba gag that like, I mean, it's funny and it's very much a non sequitor, but it just the second act entirely is just all of this stuff about Tubas and El tubad Era, and it's like I kind of love it. Yeah, I like it. Yes, it's the best gag kind of sequence in this entire episode. And it's unfortunate that it's in this episode because it kind of hugs the closest to the tone of the first four episodes. It reminds me of a better joke, which was when Homer gets the new boss or he starts working at a new place and it's Frank Scorpio, Oh yeah, yeah, Bond villain.

Yeah, And Homer comes up with the brilliant idea that he thinks that a hammock at work would be great, and Scorpio is like, oh yeah, yeah, well we'll find you hammock. And it's like, okay, well, where's the best place to get one. It's the list off all of these hammock places and they're all on like fifth three or whatever. He's like, well, yeah, it's really it's the hammock District. You know.

It's like that's good, that's really good. But yeah, the tuba stuff does go on for a little bit, and then I love Al having the tuba shirt on when he comes back in the episode later on with his sombrero on. I think they've taken his sombrero off by that point. Yeah. Yeah.

This was his second appearance on the show with the Tuba City shirt. I felt like in this one that Frank was a little dinser. Yeah. The previous episodes, which I kind of enjoyed. He does the why would the lab demand a million dollars?

He's done things like that before, but there was a lot more of that when the mime is going on. I think the best part of the mime scene is when he starts to do the charades and again Frank isn't catching on and then you know, first word and he says finger. That had me laughing. That had me laughing out and I like just guessing to best the best wrong answers. That's what kind of saves the mime thing going on for so long, is that Nordberg does continue to be funny throughout, which I think for me is the one of the brighter spots of the episodes that feature him.

Is the actor Peter Lucas who plays Nordberg. He is definitely rising to the occasion around Frank, Drebin and Ed Hawkin for sure. I also really liked the whole thing when when North brings up getting an ear in the mail and just how upset the mother is and the way that they just keep talking about that ear. They'll be able to put it back on if they find her alive. Oh yeah, if they find her alive.

Yeah. Early on in the episode, we didn't mention this gag. I don't know how you guys felt about it, the gag where it's like, show me, show me the abduction. Yes, it reminded me so much that I think I've mentioned at least on this show before the gag from Spaceballs the wind will then be now and then watching the movie like that's kind of in that same vein. I always appreciate those kind of weird you're watching the movie with us type gags.

I appreciated that, But then you have almost everything else in the first third of this episode is just yeah, right, yeah, all right. Yeah. This time, I was trying to pay attention as far as him hitting garbage cans, and of course he doesn't hit any garbage cans, though he does hit four bicycles, so yeah, wondering if that well, actually, I guess it would have to be five bicycle and I think it was, but they probably begin, oh, well, he hit the trash cans out of frame, right, He hits the bicycles in one shot when he's coming to the basketball court, and then he hits a mailbox later on. Yeah, he hits the bikes, and I thought, okay, hold on, and they don't really show it when he hits them. There's at least four, and then I thought, okay, look for the white shot, but they were on the ground, I'm assuming, and I think they comment about it on the commentary, Oh, that should be five bikes if it's not in blah blah blah.

And then yes, he does hit two garbage cans in the mailbox later on, which I think is a separate gag. It's funny to note, now realizing that these are out of order, that Norberg is not introduced in this episode. This would have been his first appearance, because he's not in the first two episodes, and he's just there in the background and they all already know him. So there's that kind of gaff, as well as the naming of the previous criminals at the end. And then there's one other example of recognizing that it's out of order, and I'll have to check my notes to figure out what it is.

But there is one other indication of yeah, this isn't shown in the right order. They really trot out the big names for the Johnny's Next Customer bit with fucking Tommy Lasorda, which is funny because then the show would go on to be set of all places in La where Tommy Lasorda is, and then is it a Dodgers game for fuck's sake in the first movie. So I don't think though, if memory serves me right, Tommy Lasorda doesn't show up in the movie. Maybe well I'm not sure. I mean remember Reggie Jackson does, but I'm not sure what else I must kill the queen, yes he sure?

Enrico Colozzo, yeah, well famous Italian singer into Yeah, it looks distinctly like Leslie Nielsen, so different people from what I've been told, right, Yeah, And I did like Johnny chiding him for treating up Tommy john That was pretty good. I was like, that's a nice sore spot there, that's good. I think it was an interesting second third act. But overall, just man, the two writers on this epid so just not. I don't know what's weird is like they worked on plenty of other things.

Robert Weiss has a bunch of credits on Naked Gun and a bunch of weird al music videos. One the teleplay was by Pat Proft, who we've talked about before, and he kind of was involved in a lot of these episodes and a lot of these shows that the AC guys did. And yet this episode is just not much. I mean, I'm not gonna say it's not funny, but it's just of all the episodes we've watched up until this point, I don't think I'm out of line to say this is the worst one. No, No, we'll have to wait for the next episode, all right, fair the episode that's so good it doesn't even have a synopsis on wikipede.

It's two fucking sentences and that's it. And again, I think it does kind of answer our question without giving us an answer directly as to what this show would have been if it had kept going. It takes a special kind of writing trio or duo or singular writer to create a comedy that is funny throughout, that is quality throughout, but mixes the styles of comedy visual gags, wordplay, stuff like that. It's not a shock that everybody can't do this, because Zaz were so good at it. That's why they kept doing it.

Robert Wool and Tin know Ensana get close. But even their stuff is replete with literalism upon literalism upon literalism. At least, there isn't a lot of that in this episode. There's just not a lot much at all. Yeah, it just feels very thin.

They mentioned the problems with doing this for TV and having the different writers, comedy writers and comedy directors. I think they really wanted, at least for the directors, people that had worked on things like cop shows and westerns, because as we've mentioned in talking about Airplane and in the previous episodes of this, they're really straight shows. This is a takeoff on those sixties cop shows and how dry and dull some of them can be. They're making the mistake of having comedy writers that really aren't following their notes their rules, trying to write jokes instead of making the situations funny or it don't recall and I missed that sign at the beginning completely. I don't recall a lot of visual gags in this one, which a lot of times are for me.

The most interesting other than Frank being dumber than usual, it just wasn't that funny this go around. I liked him when he was really dumb. Those were good jokes, and he played it super straight. There's a little bit of that mugging creeping in with that basketball game, even though the basketball game is cool, and it's kind of nice to see that he could actually handle himself fairly decently in that scene he and a stunt person could. Yeah, I mean, but even just the when they're when he's trying to talk to the guy and they're you know, going around the court, it didn't it didn't look right or yeah, I don't know if he made that one shot or not, but not the layup, but the one from a distance, and I kind of looked like that might have been okay, they may have had somebody, you know, they might have done a Texas switch with the ball.

But but it looked pretty good to me. Again, it was just nice to see something that didn't look like it was one universal's back. Yeah, right, the streets of nondescript town downtown of a big city. All right, it could be Chicago, I guess. I guess this is set in Chicago.

We've kind of established that. I guess they're also, you know, at that gas station. That's a real street. I believe it didn't look like a set to me. When they into the whole ringing bells and tuba sounds, they make that connection at the gas station there, So that's probably around the corner in Studio City somewhere, Studio City somewhere.

Yeah, every everybody knows that gas station down there in Studio City. That's where they get their smokes. I'm sure, yeah, something to that effect. And I believe the beach scene with all the girls in bikinis is a real lookout. Oh god, oh god, that was hilarious.

Such a strange insert shot that long. Yeah, that didn't really work for me. No, that's pretty stupid. So what do we have this time for the lab? What inappropriate behavior is mister Olson partaking in?

Well, this is the one, well you mentioned the carrots. Yeah, trying to remember what he's doing with the kid when Frank comes in. It's the gravity expect the guy is suspended with the bricks, the bowling ball or something like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't really think that that was that funny. Yeah, it's kind of a dude.

Comparatively I mean again, comparative carrot lines. Okay, yeah, the carrot lines is funny, but comparatively to the other things is not funny. But on its own it's not funny, Like right, and I drop a guy and kill him, all right, yeah, sure, Like it's funnier when he's creepier. Oh yeah yeah. Even when he says things that you can do with carrots, I'm like, okay, well, I can think of at least one kinky thing you can do with carrots.

But it's not like grab something from your mother's produced raw or something. I mean, there was nothing. It should almost always be the mother jokes, I think, and everybody knows the kinkiest thing to do with carrots is turn it into raising carrot salad. No actual human being eats that dish, best I can tell. So I had to look this up because I remembered this thing about the sign that I was talking about.

If you go to the Wikipedia page about the first episode the Sally Decker episode, one of the bits on this page is actually incorrect. It says alternate versions and its initial airing on ABC Drebbin could be seen walking in front of a homemade banner greeting Howard Frank and Dandy Don mimicking similar banners scene greeting the broadcasters on ABC's Monday Night Football. Syndicated reruns and video releases. Oh, syndicated reruns and video releases omitted the banner. That's the banner, it's not Drebbin walking in front of it, and it's not this episode.

So maybe they just had them in more than one episode. But there's poke fun at the Monday Night Football gang. Yeah, I guess. So the only thing I could think of is that they kept moving them around as far as what nights they were showing them, or like waiting a few months between episodes, and so between March twenty fifth and the first of July to show those last two episodes. Well, it was just such a funny gag the first time.

We had to keep it around. Yeah, a fifth one, but I've never seen that banner except for this fifth episode. M so strange. Well, we do get a changeup on the old cigarette gag, at least this time coffee coffee. I know, yes, I know, and I thought, oh, I still don't like it.

Why to be a cigarette is beyond me? But I'm tired of this joke already, right, And what's funny is, unless I'm misremembering, that doesn't there's no cigarette gag in the first movie, which is surprising given that it has shown up in every single episode in some form or fashion. They may do something else, but there's no there's no thing with a cigarette. At least it might be you know, pen or something else. You know, what's a hospital.

That's the same shit. I mean, it's effectively the same thing. Well, they do do that in this episode, don't you know? What do you do? Anything?

Well? What do I do? What do I do? Well? Best I can tell?

You're a manufacturer of textiles. That's a funny. Yeah, that will never not be funny. Yeah, the coffee, I know, like, oh my god, really, guys, was that part of the style bible for the show? You gotta have one of these in every episode.

We had a little bit of the not gaze with Norberg and the Captain this episode. I don't know if anybody caught that. After they win the mime sharade game, Norberg hugs the captain says we did it, captain, and the captain kind of goes not now, Norberg, Hey man, it was the mid eighties. I don't recall any of that in the other episodes with Norberg and the Captain's funny, but maybe I missed it. That is entirely possible.

And I do really like the freeze frame gag with the chimpanzee there throwing stuff around and them just trying to not break as that chimp is just partially destroying the set I've seen. Nope, Nope, I don't want to be anywhere near a chimpanzee on a set, man. That is all I can think of now when I see that sudden noises or this chimp may rip your fucking face off, and whose shoe is going to end up sticking straight up in the air? Fuck that, I'm real good. I don't need to see that version of the show where they're getting murdered by a murderous chimp, thank you.

Though to be fair, they left the cameras rolling. It might be funnier than this episode. Yeah, true, we do have kind of another repeat joke at the end, and this was a groner for me. With the black and white is here. We've had the plan on words with the gig.

You know, this is take them away and Booker yeah, runner in that was the other one, the other one runner in that was bad. What really gets me though, is that, obviously the title of the show is the Butler did It, and that's who does this crime. But his reasoning is just like I needed the money, and I'm like, okay, you know, like I wanted something more. I wanted at least like a ridiculous thing like I needed money to buy QP dolls or something bizarre like that. Give me something for why you needed this money.

Give me something for having watched twenty one minutes of this episode five minutes ya TV was longer back then that dis mainly commercials. It really doesn't feel like they were putting their best foot forward or a foot forward really. The glove box stroke yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the glove box joke, and then the whole thing with the car being smaller. Wait no, that's the next episode. Yeah, there was a glove box gag in that one too.

That's this one was the glove box thats yes, that was good. I believe I've seen that joke before her or since, at least, I don't know. The best gag in this episode is still the Japanese garden that was pretty good. What does rip off of lapel the lapals so she can like wipe her She snips it like it like it's a flower pedal or something. She picked it from the garden.

That's kind of an odd ball. Yeah, I was like, why is he tearing that off? Oh yeah, so I guess they're fragrant. Yeah, that for me is where they take the gag and the right direction as they up the ante with it. So I'm interacting with it, not just hanging a lantern on a bunch of like poor Japanese people standing in clay pots in your garden.

So so I did like speaking of Asian people, he Frank holds that Asian woman hostage when the butler's got the girl hostage and too him play at that game, just kind of tosses that lady aside. After that is a gag that will return. Oh yes, yes, yes it will. That's in one of the movies for sure. I think it may be the first one.

Right at the end. Gosh, it's been so many years since I've seen these movies. It's going to be very interesting going back. I'm excited. I'm really excited having watched all of this now is kind of a primer for that movie.

Also, it may make those movies not as successful, which is what I'm worried about. Anything else. Well, that's the first one wasn't successful for me because I think it's nine recycled stuff. A lot of it is a lot of it is. I mean, a lot of the gags from the show do show up in the first one, but they're they're throughout the second and third one, and again Robert Goulay shows up in the second.

Right. Well, Gooley was funny. It was kind of like having Wayne Newton and the Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Is it? Yeah, you've never seen ever seen?

Wow? Do you think Father Malone seen that movie? Probably? Okay, he has seen I have not. Okay, you're gonna have to start your own YouTube channel, I guess.

So. I have never seen that movie, but I have seen the other movie that Wade Newton is in, National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation. Oh boy, I love that movie. I don't care if anybody doesn't like it, that's fine. But again it's but again everyone, oh diminishing returns.

But you had to have seen it the right you had to have seen it like I did on DiveX in the mid nineties. So, well, I saw European Vacation. That's the only one I've ever watched beginning to end. Really, Yes, you've never seen Christmas Vacation? No?

Not Wow? Interesting? Is Vegas the one where the original daughter comes back? No? No, that's I don't know which one that is.

Oh, you're thinking of Christmas Vacation two. Oh, probably where they're on an island. There's Christmas Vacation two and it's like Randy Randy Quaid. Yeah, it's like a well, they like they get stranded on an island for Christmas. They're like going somewhere for Christmas, and the plane crashes in the middle of the ocean, and so they're like on an island in the middle of nowhere for Christmas.

Doesn't it sound like a good idea to be stuck in the middle of nowhere on an island with Randy Quaid? Maybe like mid nineties Randy Quaid, But like now, Randy Quaid, I'd be afraid you would be the one being eaten. Yeah, Randy Quaid, we got really hungry, would just started eating people. You've been gone a week, I know, Like that would be Randy Quaid just like, yeah, well, yeah it happened. Yeah, it happened.

They were just oh my god, because there was one other vacation movie, the most recent vacation movie, Oh, Thema the reboot. It's yeah, or like sequel. It's a sequel because it's family. It's what's his name? All grown up?

Oh, he's supposed to be the sun? Yeah, what's to do from the office? Right? Yeah, boy, Yeah, you're not. I don't think you're missing anything by not seeing any of the vacation movies other than Christmas Vacation.

At this point, you're probably passed at having any like meaning in your life, so, you know, because there's still funny bits from that movie. But I don't think anybody's life is not better by not having seen chevy Chase scream at people for an hour and a half. Yeah. I could have that anytime. Yeah, I just go ask people about Chevy Chase.

Have worked with him. Oh yeah, he screamed at me all the time. Anything else we want to talk about this episode, gentlemen, there were a lot of off color OJ jokes in the commentary. If you guys want to boy, they notice Peter Lupus and Norberg and they're trying to figure out which episodes was he on? Was he on all of them?

And all this stuff, and they're like he wasn't violent enough, so we got OJ for the movies. Hey yeah, I mean they're pretty bad jokes. That's pretty blue to me in giving him a set of steak knives. Such thanks guys. That poor guy is still out there trying to find the real killer.

And did you know that he's a single guy? Now, I know it's crazy. There was a TikTok that OJ posted where he's like my day as a single guy, and the comments were like, OJ your single? Yeah, yeah, what do you want? Man?

I did see him trying to get reinstated on Twitter to get his blue check mark back. I have an OJ Simpson Twitter account. That's my Twitter account. I am verified OJ Simpson. Nice account.

Yeah, I can pay for those things now, like candy bus Daddy Elon will give you whatever you want. I'm Frank Drebbin on Twitter. Now care. This episode is indicative of I think what we would have gotten if the show had continued two episodes more. I mean, we'll talk about the unmade seventh episode when we come back next week and discuss the final episode of Police Squad Testimony of Evil.

Until then, Chris, why don't you tell people where they can find all of our shows. Weirdingwaymedia dot com is where you your friends, family, people you don't know, random people on the street that you want to bother. You can listen to our shows at Weirdingwaymedia dot com. All I gotta do is type that in and then you'll find my show, the Culture Cast, Mic Show, the Projection Booth, Mark Show, Wake Up Heavy and this one as well. And you can find all those over at Weirdingwaymedia dot com.

And if it's not there, well I shouldn't be listening to it anyways. Are you sure if you want in next week for another exciting story from the files of Police Squad.