In Sickness and Health

As promised, we have returned with episode four in Sickness and Elf, directed by John Landis. Yeah, which I'm which honestly, I was okay with because we watched that he earned a lot of family. No family, family, Okay, I was gonna say cut it out with Colin things that. I mean. It was a family man.

It was about a family man, and I was okay with that one. I love that one. Yeah, credit where credit was due, and I thought like, oh, you know, executed well and albay blah blah blah. So I didn't realize who had written this. No.

This episode starts in the first like two minutes, I'm like, Okay, this is an interesting concept. And then I see the credits. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Had I known, I might have said we should skip it. Yeah for real, for real?

Yep. Um. I guess I've warned you, but I guess you don't read carefully. But did you say no? I just said, I said, the credits on this one are gonna make you barf.

I think that you're right. You're right. There could have been like like a kitten feeling sad, and that makes me upset. That's fair that's fair. But so it's written by Victor Salva, which honestly, like, if you don't know by now, good for you.

Yeah, this dude straight up a convicted pedophile. He's a convicted pedophile who didn't pay nearly enough for what he did, and what he did is really really uncomfortably on display because if you watched the movie he made with the boy he abused, you can see it in the kid's performance, and it's very upset. He went to jail for less than a year, I think, um came out and got hired by Disney to direct things and has been directing things regularly for the last however many years, and most of many directing still making movies and making movies that um very much. When you watch them, you are reminded that this man has had a file because ye, I mean, and again this is where that arch and such U I mean there are I mean, this is where you constantly see discussions derail a lot when you start talking about Victor Salva, because you end up with film fans who say, well, does that mean can I still watch Rosemary's Baby?

Because from Polanski's yeah, I mean yes, and no, like, sure, watch it, but remember when you're watching it, and when you're watching a scene of a woman getting drugged and raped, that this man drugged and raped and underage girl, like it's you know, it's everybody chooses to watch things and consume entertainment the way they want to. With Victor Salva, he's made it very hard for anybody to watch his things and not constantly remember gee, jeepers. Creepers is essentially about a predator hunting young men, like Victor Salva really did and got paid for it and continued to work in an industry that has to our you know, from what you can see, given him plenty of opportunities to keep doing that.

Um, yeah, art versus artist whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever you want to do, that's fine. I have my own feelings, and yes I will judge you if they're different than mine, But that's fine. With Victor Salva, it's different like it's it's like only like cheeper st creepers, And I think that they should keep making them stop it, stop it, Like great, we don't have any new ideas, we don't do anything different, and this was successful when people liked it, so let's keep pumping them out. How about know how about let's not continue to make action figures of this of this character. And you know what, it's sad.

It sucks. We can't see Denny have no skin or whatever happens at the end of that movie. Oh, it's so sad. I don't care. He didn't I'm not he didn't write me.

I wasn't his victim. Fucking suck it up and don't watch this movie. He did have real things to real people, Like what is wrong with people? I don't understand that, like, don't support a bad person and not like a well we don't know if he's bad, No, we do. We do know that he's bad.

And this isn't like, well is he really bad? Or come on? And people are so willfully ignorant and just straight up a touse about it because every time they announce a new one, a new jeeper screepers, or every time they like announce he has something coming out right now, I think yep, people will say like, oh, well our versus artists and people deserve a second chance. And this man never even he never paid for his first one. He never did he like there there are I hate to bring it here, but my mouth is going to say it no matter what.

There are women who directed movies that weren't popular that never got a chance again this may but like there was no one skipped a beat. It was like, let's keep giving him projects, yeah yeah, and projects involving young men, and projects that are all about the male days on young men. And oh and I know there is like the other side to that, I know is that people get very um and sometimes rightfully defensive of well we you know, is it because he's gay? Is that one of the reasons that it doesn't make people uncomfortable because no, no, it makes been comfortable because he was abusing children, just like it makes me uncomfortable that Roman Polansky abused children. And I say the same thing about Plansky.

He got away with rape. Oh my god, but he couldn't live in America. Yeah, he got away with rape. It plain and simple. Yes.

Rosemaries, I mean Rosemaries maybe is one of the best movies of the seventies, one of the best movies of what it is. It is one doesn't have to not talk about it, when doesn't have to decide not to see it. But don't ever do anything that's gonna give Roman Philanscipe money same way to Victor Salva. I tend to a re look. There's a there's a remake of Rosemary's Baby, a TV movie that's not bad.

Really. I remember when that came out and it looked dull. It's really not bad. It's not it's not the original movie. But there's a book and there's a remake.

There's other stuff if you really need to get into it. But but but here's the thing, and I will close it out by saying this, I do believe in restorative justice, and I talk about that a lot. I think there's a difference between restorative justice and getting your career back, like you never fucking did anything. Yes, Yes, there's a difference. Yeah, like if you if you commit vehicular manslaughter, maybe they never let you drive again.

You know. It's very funny because I was just thinking about that because I have just been watching the Urban Legends and Rebecca Gayheart Uma was convicted of vehicular or manslaughter didn't really pay the way. I don't know if somebody who didn't have as much money or was maybe not white or a celebrity paid um. But and and it does make watching Urban Legend a little uncomfortable because the vehicular man's letter is part of it. Um, but it is not.

I mean, and again, like I don't want to be like, oh, it's not quite the same like this, this, this like um, but there's different aspects and there are different levels. And yes, we were talking about two men who um raped underage children. Yeah, but so he wrote this, and I wouldn't have liked this even if I will. I will preface this by saying I didn't. My enjoyment of this wasn't necessarily colored by who wrote it, because it is about like a couple getting married, so it's not about like a teenage boy.

Oh it's the first thing of his I've seen that isn't about teenage boys. Yeah. Like so like I get it. It's yeah, but I didn't like it because it wasn't good. It's not good.

No, Um, I think it has a great uh concept. Oh, bitch if I wrote this, Not that you're a bitch. I'm just saying in general, if I wrote this, it would be very good. Yea to my own home. No, do like, please take the opening of this episode.

You do have to change something because there is something that is a giveaway right from the beginning. You change one word, and you have a great story here. Um, so we are going to spoil this again it's not good, so we're not spoiling much. But the opening is this bride is getting married and she know they established it. She hasn't really known her groom that long, but they're totally in love.

It's you know, she's making he right decision. And somebody delivers a note that was given to their It's like a you know, three different people were like, oh, somebody gave this note to somebody, to somebody, to somebody to give to you. She opens the note. The note says, the person you are going to marry is a serial killer. Great concept, great hook.

Take it like, that's a great If I was teaching a writing class, I'd be like, all right, guys, that's your first line of the story. Now go and you're gonna get twenty different stories that are all going to be could be very interesting. This is not one of them. But and I will say, so that set up, I'm I'm okay with that setup. I'm interested in that setup.

The actual end I like that too. So I don't like any ship that's in the middle. Well, so did you see it coming from the beginning, No, because I didn't care. So um, so, so the setup is this what Emily just said, Oh, the person you're about to marry is a serial killer and the bride is like running around? What the fuck?

So the end is can I tell it? Tell the end before we talk about the middle. So the end is, um the big reveal that because there is no gendered wording in that note, obviously it was given to the wrong participant in the wedding, and it should have been given to the groom because the bride is a serial killer, which I actually found subverse of in a delightful way. The problem is it wasn't they didn't do it. Yeah, there's no good storytelling to get there.

No. In so, the bride is from the television show Psych as well as many other things, and the groom is from the television show Psych as well as many other when he's coming up, um, he and they were together in real life for a while. Apparently that's what the trivia said. So, like, they're getting married, and I had a lot of problems with the wedding. I had a lot of problems with her hair, the dress, the timing, very confused by Yeah, and like that it was this giant, clearly old money wedding, but she didn't have any family, like tim to odd a lot of things about it that were odd, So it's there's a lot of convoluted mishmash in the middle to like I guess keep you on your toes and keep you guessing about what's going on.

So like the they didn't they don't know each other for that long. And he has like a past that he doesn't talk about. His parents are dead and he doesn't really discuss it. Her parents are also dead and her like a lifetime movie, yeah kinda. And she has a brother and he's not going to be there because he doesn't support the wedding, and like also he has an uncle that's twins and like there's like all this vagary and like what's going on?

And she's like, do I really know him? Because I have this note and like he starts yelling at her in the middle of the wedding, like and grabbing her arm, and then he chases her around and locks her in a confessional. I'm sorry, this man is not a serial killer, but I am not marrying somebody that acts that way. Well, and Jen, he does the one thing for me, that was like, oh fuck this guy is when he's like, oh, it's your bitch brides me and you're like, well, okay, that that is no. You do not call my friends bitches, like right, So like great, it was all it was all a misunderstanding.

And his big confession is in the Confessionals is I bitches be crazy basically as the thesis of this, which sucks because the end is subversive and interesting. It didn't have to be bitches be crazy, but it is because he's like, oh, I met this woman in you went to dinner and she fell in love with me, and I told her to leave me alone because I'm getting married. Like then why were you grabbing her arm and yelling at her? And it? And so then it reveals that the that the part in a very dress to kill like reveals that her brother put on a wig and no makeup and people thought he was a woman, which is fine, I mean, but he didn't look that's great, but that was weird that nobody was like, wasn't that your brother?

Anyways, he puts on a wig and a bonnet and goes and delivers this note to the church and then he gets back to their shared house and there's like bodies and heads and I'm like what so so like he knew and he doesn't want guy from psych to marry girl from psych because she is a serial killer. But he's in on it or knows about I don't. Yeah, I didn't understand it because it's not the motive for him giving the note is never revealed, right, Yeah, I guess you know what, no one would have recognized the brother because he gave it to the priest. Yes, and we don't have any reason to believe the priest knew who he was, and it's established like the first and the problem I had with this whole episode was because it said person.

If that note had said you are going to marry a serial killer, done, I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But the note says the person you were going to marry, And immediately I'm like, it's her and I'm not again like we and I talk about this a lot, like I am not one of those like let me figure Oh, I'm so smart to figure it out, Like no, I'd rather be surprised. But as soon as the note said the person you were going to marry, and the first thing they say is oh that priest can't hear anything. I'm like it was supposed to go to him. Okay, so she's the killer, which then the problem is even whether you know that or not, her actions make no sense in this episode because it's one Sha forget she was a serious if it was her trying to find the woman the entire time, because it's her saying, oh, somebody knows I'm a killer, so I gotta find her and silence her.

But no, it's her trying to like figure out her husband, which makes no sense. Exactly if we thought she was trying to find the person who dropped the note off to get like clarification or what is this about? But it was really to see who knows my secret? Then that would have been interesting, yes, because the end it would have made sense because then all of her actions would have been because we see she sees the woman getting a cabin go, so then it would have been, oh, no, I have to go get married, but I need to follow her bridesmaid one. You go follow her bridesmaid one, maybe ends up dead.

She you know, like that's where it's not hers. She could have been evading her husband the whole time without trying like because it's her just trying to find this woman, but instead it's her investigating her husband, which makes no sense because that's not what she would have done once you find out the reveal, and nothing is like I love a good twist ending. You can't give me a twist ending if you have written the story in a way that doesn't fit the twist. Your twist needs to be I need to look and go, oh, that's why she was acting that way, And instead it's like, oh, that's why it opened this way. And nothing in the last forty minutes made any sense yep, or was good or it was entertaining, yep, it's it's I mean, there there are a million ways that this could have been done well, and the way that it was done is not one of them.

I I don't understand why, like why make him be like a jerk other than to keep us guessing. But there are more interesting creative ways to have kept us guessing. Yeah, yeah, And then one of them isn't have him grab his wife in the middle of a reception and like scream at her. Yeah. It just it felt I mean, much like Glandis's first Masters of Her It felt lazy.

Yeah, it felt like, Okay, the scrip, we're gonna shoot it. We only have a week, Okay, petitives in like in really cheap, like just they kept running around the same small area, and I didn't understand why she was alone when she was and why are they were As anybody involved in this movie ever been involved in a wedding, I wanted to ask, because if you were having, first of all, a church wedding like that of that size, with that money behind it, you don't, as the bride, get to run around like that, like no, no, no, like there are people making sure that you've gotten your hair done at this time yep, and like it just it just doesn't work that way. And I get that that is like that could be boiled down to oh, that's some girl shit to know and to be worried about and to focus.

Is why maybe a woman should have directed the episode. But like, also, when there's nothing to your thing other than that it takes place at a wedding, then I'm gonna look at that. Yeah, then then maybe you should actually understand what the fuck that looks like? Yeah, because there's a cool things about setting a horror story in a Catholic church at a big wedding. That's great, Like look I weep father too, Yeah, like I want oh my god, yeah, look at hey, look at flowers in the attic, look at you know.

Give me your main character in a wedding dress the whole movie. Give me bridesmaids dressed as bridesmaids. Give I mean look at ready ready or not, which I know you didn't like. But the wedding aspect of it means that, like, visually, this is more interesting. I am watching um, I am in a church, which you can have so much fun if you're filming in church.

I cant you a Catholic church like that, like Goode, like like statues, yeah, used with nothing like okay o. That irritated me. That irritated me because this was so bare bones that if you're going to tell me this story over the course of forty five minutes, you need to You need to understand the world in which you've said it right, and you clearly do not. Not everything can be a red herring, or every everything can be a mcguffin, or everything can be a misdirect like what was up with the twin uncle? Yeah?

Like you get was it? Just like Marshall bell. Oh, John landis a favor, so it was like, yeah, sure, I'll come film for a day. Oh I after it was too far, that seems that seems cheap, but okay, yeah it's it was weird. It was weird.

So there was there was failings and then there were failings and then it never had a chance. In my opinion, yeah, um, it just it kills me because it makes me like, again, um, we were very hard in Dear Woman because it's terrible. It is lazy, it is terrible, and it's made by a man who we both have very strong feelings is not a good person. Um. Again, doesn't mean he's not a good director, because look at Family.

Family was great. Um work was invested in that, he cared about what he was producing. Then you get to this clearly not this end it like it wasn't a total way, like there was interesting things there. This could have been good, it could have been anything, but it's just nothing. Yep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I did not like it for a lot of this a lot a lot of reasons. So this also had some really heavy exposition writing like the bridesmaid like sitting there like well, your brother Stephen has always been strange, like just all of the your brother Stephen, and your name is this, and all of that was very I felt bad for the actresses playing the bridesmaids because they had to do a lot of work without any payoff for them whatsoever. Really, truly they thankless parts. Thankless parts. Yes, yeah, so I hope now now this was episode four, episode five, I believe I should look forward to correct I think episode five is Eater Eater Um.

I don't remember it that well, but I remember liking it. I mean, who knows that could that could all change in a heartbeat. But then then the episode after that is New Year's Day, which is my favorite episode. Nice okay, so that's that's where we're flying too. So every um Eater is a hearing on the Roku channel I think as episode three Family man.

Uh. I don't know when the New Year's episode is. It is definitely not airing where it's supposed to sound. Have fun, dude, You're okay on that note, Everybody I don't know, don't talk to your talk to your crazy murderous head Najar brother before you decide to get married, just to make sure that he's not gonna go tell your fiance things that you weren't ready for him to tell, Like, I don't even know why he went and told him that whatever, right, Like is he trying to protect this dude that he clearly doesn't know? Is he just wanting to keep his sister to himself?

I don't know, And I don't think John landis or vid yourself a no either. Unforgivable, unforgivable. Yes, hopefully we will move on to greener pastures next time. One can hope we can. Goodbye, everybody, goodbye?

Pardon me? Is everybody there? Because if everybody's there, I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding. I'd appreciate your going even more. I mean you must have lost a better thing to do a lot or word of a department before you know the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is.

Thank you all for the gifts in the flowers. Thank you all. Now it's back to the showers. And don't tell pol but I'm not getting married today. Business to Doe's been trying to why honey, I can't find my coughlin.

They're on the dresser right next to my suicide note. Listen to everybody. Look, I don't know what you're waiting for our wedding. What's a wedding? It's a prettiest art ritual where everybody promises fidelity for every which is maybe the most horrified word I've ever heard him, which is followed by anyone more.

Suddenly he'll realize he saddle with enough and want to kill me where she should thanks that much, But I'm not getting married. To go have lunch, but I'm not getting married. You've been grandfed. I'm not getting married, and don't just stand there. I'm not getting married, and don't tell hope, but I'm not getting married today.

Go, can't you go? Why is nobody listening? Good? Body, go and cry at another person's way. If you're quick or a kick, you could pick up a listening.

But please on my knees. But there's a human life mistake. Listen, everybody. I'm afraid you didn't hear it. Did you want to see a crazy lady for all apart a fund off you, which isn't only Paula maybe ruining his life and you know all the buddy's losing art and it is.

I tellable my analyst about it, and he said to see you Monday. By my Monday on, they floating in the hustle of the other garbage. I'm not well, so I'm not getting married. You've been swelled that I'm not getting married. Thank you all.

But I'm not getting married. And play at all home because I'm not getting married. Don't tell home, and I'm not getting married today. Business totally insane.