171: Gifted and Talented

Oh, oh, hello with the mm-hmm. This would be a good time to remind everyone to turn off their cell phones and pagers. You put them on vibrate so as to enjoy the show. All right. Anyway.

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It is intended for mature audiences and parental discretion is advised. Our nuclear reactor pumping out one million. Kilowatts of power. What's up and welcome. To Movie Meltdown.

I'm Brian and this episode I have a special guest co-host. We have comedian Alicia Wood. Hello everybody. You were here in. Town so I thought we would try to take advantage of that and sit down with you and do some crossover stuff here.

Let you kind of tell people about your comedy and then, uh, work in some movie stuff as well. So I guess just start off with like an introduction to you. I like how, and I've seen a lot of different press from all these different cities and I like how everybody likes to claim you, especially if you have different ties to different cities. So everything that comes up, it's just like, Oh, Louisiana comedian, Seattle comedian, uh, Louisville comedian yeah you name it anybody else and then it's like Los Angeles resident like everybody has a different take on what they uh think you are so I guess do you. Want to give your real origin story.

Or well yeah here's I'm a long story as part of the problem um and then everybody's like oh army no I just just it just kind of worked out that way when I I'm a Louisiana native I was born in New Orleans uh schooled in Baton Rouge summers in New Orleans and then uh When my parents got divorced when I was 12, my mom took us up to Washington. Genetically, I'm Texan because my father's from Texas, and I don't care. I don't care where you actually are raised. If your dad is Texan, there's a large portion of you that is Texan. You know, it's just, it doesn't change.

We have one of the crew that has that. Yeah, yeah. So I really don't have, I've never lived in Texas, but my whole entire paternal side of the family is Texan. And so I would say I'm definitely part Texas. And then.

Whether you like it or not. Whether I like it or not. Yeah, yeah. Barbecue, blah, blah, blah. You know, shady deals.

It's very Texan. And. And then let's see. So moved to Seattle when I was 12 and I was there. I went to middle school, high school and college and I used college loosely.

I took an improv class and a Spanish class and I failed both. That's really all you need, right? Yeah. Right. And I failed Spanish three times.

And I think it's one of those things where it's like I did the same thing with geometry where it's like I got it. It's a stupid thing. I don't know why I have to take this again. And so I'm never going to use it again. Yeah, but it's one of those things, it's like you know it so well that you can't pay attention, so you don't, it's a weird thing where it's like, I know this, so I'm not learning it, okay?

So, whatever. I don't think I even did that. Yeah, well, and I only took those classes so that I could see if I could go to college. Yeah. Because I dropped out of school when I was 15, like October of my sophomore year.

Like I barely made it out of my freshman year basically, which was hilarious because I was a class officer and everything. And I just was like, fuck this. Lead by example. Yeah, I probably should have asked if I could swear. But I'm assuming because we're podcasting.

We do constantly. So feel free. So, yeah. And then I left Seattle in 2008. 2000, actually, in December of 2000, I left Seattle and I moved to New Jersey.

I was attempting to move to New York, but it got really fucked up really fast. And it's one of those things where you pack your car, you drive cross country, you've got three grand, you've got a roommate on the other side. And I had a friend of mine from Seattle that was moving out there for a job. So he was buying a house and it was supposed to be like, you know, within a 10 mile radius of New York. The house deal fell through.

So then he was like, but don't worry, I'm only like 20 more miles out now. We're in Hopatcong, New Jersey. And I'm like, oh, all right. And so, but it turned out being in Hopatcong, New Jersey meant it was a $ 20 cab ride to get to the subway so that you could get to the, I mean, it was just, it was a mess. So like the whole New York thing quickly became obsolete.

And I only had three grand when I started the trip. So I maybe had $ 400 when I got there. And so I did have a place to stay and I had free rent for a little while until I got on my feet. But I had to get a temp job, and I worked at Verizon Wireless in their headquarters. Nice.

And I hated it, like, you know, because, I. Mean, I was in my early 20s, and I was like, you're stuffing me in a suit, and I don't want to be in a suit, and I'm a comic, and this is stupid. But I was a really good administrative assistant, so I ended up working three tiers down from the CEO position. And you know what I mean? Like all the other assistants hated me because they thought I wanted their job.

And I, by no stretch of the imagination, even wanted to have my job, much like their job. Yeah. And, um, so I made enough money to buy another car and cause something happened to my car at some point. I don't remember what. And, uh, but I did need a car when I, I think maybe I sold my car and I don't know what happened.

I really don't remember, but like, so I ended up buying a car off of a corporate lawyer that worked there for like $ 1, 500 who, um, one day just had a nervous breakdown and was like, why am I driving a $ 1, 500 car when I'm a corporate lawyer? Like, I have so much money. What am I doing? You know? And so he ended up selling his car to me without telling his wife and buying a new car, which was like this super snazzed out, fancy pants, expensive car.

And, you know, of course the wife's like, I don't care how much money you make. You were fine in the Honda, you know, like, so, um, And so they let me make payments on it. So I quit my job within nine months or a year. I spent September 11th. I was working at the headquarters in New Jersey when the planes hit.

And there's a lot of commuters between New York and New Jersey. So it was a really traumatic and crazy thing. And two months after that, I left and I went back out on the road. In 2004, I was swinging through Louisville. And my best friend since third grade from Louisiana lives here.

She's a ballerina. And, um, she, I hadn't been home in three months and I was paying rent on a place in New Jersey that I hadn't seen in three months. I literally had not seen it. Hadn't talked to it. Didn't know how it was doing.

That's a good business plan. Yeah. And so she was like, well, why don't you just move here and get out of debt? And, um, you know, I'll charge you rent like five bucks a day if you're here. So I was like never here, but like, I mean, my rent was usually like 30 bucks, you know?

And if it was a bad month where I didn't have, it was 150 bucks, you know, like my rent was so cheap. And so got out of debt and then moved to Los Angeles in 2005. So yeah. And so I've been there ever since. So Louisiana native, uh, Seattle, Seattle is still home.

I don't know how to say that as Seattle is really home to me. Um, you know, time in Jersey, time in Kentucky based in LA, that would be the quick version. That's quite a story there. Yeah. So in the, in the moving around in the family issues?

Is this where the drama was born and the comedy? Kind of. I mean, you mean like with my act? Well, yeah. What became you, I suppose, in your comedic sense?

I'm not really sure to be. I mean, I do know why I am the way I am, but like there's so many reasons why I'm the way that I am that I feel like there's not one clear cut thing. I mean, When we left Louisiana, we went from being crazy rich to being crazy poor. You know, so to have that huge, like, riches to rags thing happen, that'll fuck your head up. That's not how you're supposed to do it.

Yeah, yeah. And, oh, my poor mom. I was not gracious to my mom at all. I was the worst kid. And I now, of course, make fun of my mom for a living who, you know, was– You know, she was a single parent.

My dad's a wealthy doctor. He's not paying child support, you know, like, you know, and she's just like, and she's trying to do the thing where you don't bash the dad, even though the dad's all of the problems. And so she's trying to give everybody a well-adjusted upbringing, but it's not working. And like she was going to school during the she was going to school full time at night and working full time during the day. cross picket lines so she could feed her kids. And then she comes home and I'm like, fuck you.

I like dad, you know, like, so like I was the worst kid. Like, but, um, you know, but it's one of those things you only know looking back on like how awesome your mom was. Cause I just hated her guts when we were growing up, you know, like, and, but it was cause she was being a mom. She was doing the things you're supposed to do, but you know. It's supposed to work like that in that mid range there.

Yeah. You get a little older. Yeah. But she was hilarious. She would try and parent me and she couldn't, she wasn't there, you know, and before cell phones and like everybody had pagers, And, like, I remember she tried to ground me when I was a teenager from the phone.

And I was like, oh, that's the most stupid. You can't ground me from the phone. You're not here. How are you going to? So she called me from work and she would go, I'd go, hello.

And this is before caller ID. And I'd go, hello. And she'd go, you're not supposed to be on the phone. You know, and I'd be like. Stop calling me.

Yeah, what are you going to do about it, huh, mom? And so the next day she took all of the phones in the house and she put them in a late tote bag. And she took them to work. So when I got home from school, I was like, oh, my God, there are no phones. So then I was a manipulator.

So I was like, well, you know, if there was an emergency, what would you do, mom? And she was like, well, I suppose you could go to a neighbor's house. And I'm like, really? So, yeah, my mom was always doing that kind of stuff. Or, like, I'd sneak out and I'd jump back in.

My mom slept like a feather. I don't know if you can sleep like a feather, but you know what I mean. And I was on the second story. So I managed to figure out how to sneak out of my second story window. Jump from the balcony down to the lower floor and then just take off.

And we were all doing this in high school. And I came back in one night and I was like, my mom's so fucking stupid. She doesn't know. And I go to jump back in and she had put pots and pans all along the bottom of the window ledge. So when I went in, not only was it uncomfortable. huge clatter, but like I think I twisted my ankle.

She's crafty. She was very crafty. I mean, really, the reality is that I spent most of my childhood trying desperately to outsmart my mom to no avail. I mean, like I might get her in one thing, but not not. It's like she was the one that taught me the phrase, you might win the battle, but you're not going to win the war.

And so, yeah. So any testament to me being somewhat well adjusted is definitely to her fiercely trying to bring me back in, you know, and I repay her with that by crucifying her nightly on stage. Nice. So, yeah. But she really is an amazing mom and an amazing person.

And so I always feel bad when people come up to me and they're like, if you're. A mom, you're beautiful and you're smart and you're funny. And if your mom doesn't like you, then fuck her. You know, and I'm like, no, my mom's cool. My mom's cool.

Like it's, But that's not the funny part. My mom being awesome is not the funny part. It's all of the disconnects and the not getting along. And that's where all the humor lives to me. So that's way too long of an answer.

But yeah, that's my answer, I think. Also, you know, like my dad was an abortionist. So when I was in, he was a women's health care provider, but also provided abortions. Yeah. And so and my parents felt like the safest place to put me was in a private Christian school.

Which was horrible. And, you know, because they knew the owner of the school, so they were like, oh, well, he'll keep an eye on her. He'll make sure she's safe. Because it was very turbulent in the 80s with, you know, abortion and all that. And, you know, my dad had to wear bulletproof vests and had guns.

And so, like, it's the fucking worst because everybody knew that my dad was the baby killer. And so, you know, when you're the kid of a murderer, as far as they're concerned, like, And I knew what he did, but I knew in a kid comprehension way, like, you know, like, you know, your dad saves moms when if the baby is going to be a threat to the mom, then your dad stops the baby from coming or whatever. You know, if the baby, whatever, you know. So like I knew that much, but like, and, and, and before that, all I knew was my dad was a doctor and doctors are great, you know? So, um, but yeah, I had people would try and, um, beat me up and start fights.

I was always in the principal's office. It was never, I never started it, but I'll fucking finish it. And, um, yeah. And my dad is, you know, being Texan, even though he's a doctor and has all these medical, he has multiple medical degrees. Like he's very smart.

And, um, even still like, He has a mouth like you would not believe on him. And so I picked all that up. Nice. Humor. I got humor from my dad.

My dad's very funny. But he raised me on, like, street jokes that were always, like, racist, sexist, homophobic. You can use so many of those now. Yeah. And I wouldn't understand them.

So I would be like, I don't. He'd go, and that's why Indians are drunks, you know, or whatever. And I'd be like, what? And he'd be like, okay, see, baby, see, okay, Indians are drunks. So he was basically, through the process of explaining how jokes work to me, he was also explaining jokes. hatred and sexism and homophobia.

And, and, um, and I quickly learned that that was actually, but only my dad thought that was funny. And, but in the South, of course, those jokes at that time were hilarious, you know, with a lot of that. Right. And so now I, if anyone's like, I got a joke for you, I'm like, I do, I do not give a shit. I do not want to hear it.

I promise you, my dad has an arsenal of, I'm sure I've heard it before. And if I haven't, I don't want to hear it. And I, I, so it's weird because like, I love comedy, but I hate jokes. Yeah. And, um, but yeah, so my dad was constantly, all right.

Just don't tell your mother. This is just one thing and do not tell your mother. And, um, so when I went to school and, you know, this is, I mean, really, and this was also, you have to understand the first year that they had done segregation in Baton Rouge, where they were rezoning all the schools. And so there were going to be, there was going to be more diversity in the schools, which is a good thing. So all the white parents freaked out and took their kids out of school and stuck them in these private schools that had all opened up.

So I was in one of those. So everybody's racist and like, You know, in the name of Jesus, racist in the name of Jesus. Oh, well, that makes it fine. Yeah. And so– and they really felt that was safe.

But what– it made me a target is what it did. Like, had I been in public school, I think that– because when I did finally go to public school in, like, fifth grade, like, life was so much easier for me. And– but, yeah. And I didn't really understand it because I was like, but my dad's a good guy. My dad's a doctor.

And they were like, baby killer. Yeah. Um, and so my mom had sent me to school and like, don't use any of the words that your father says. And there's words we can't say you'll get in trouble. And, uh, cause my mom's totally not like that.

You know, she was the one that was like, you know, there's words we don't use in this household. You know, cause they're hurtful and they're not true. And we love everyone equally. You know? And I was like, but dad's using all of those words.

I'm so confused right now with what's okay. And what's not okay. I think dad made up some new ones. I know. Yeah.

Yeah. And my dad does have some words that I've never heard anyone else use, you know? And, uh, and especially when it comes to medicine, like a brain is a noodle. I'm like, what the fuck dad? Like, how did you go through all that medical school?

I think your arm might be broke. I don't know. But, um, but anyway, so going back to, uh, there was six questions. I just tried to answer that. You only asked me one question.

Um, Oh, so like, yeah, so I got in trouble at the principal's office and my mom had to come and she was pissed. Like anytime my mom had to leave work, mad. And so, you know, and she gets there and she's like, what happened? And this kid had, and it was always boys too. It was always boys that were trying to beat me up.

And so I think that was, yeah, it kind of made me a little bit tougher too. And older boys, not like boys in my grade. It was like third graders picking on a kindergartner, you know? This is nice. I know.

And so like, so how did I get fucked up? Yeah, there's a lot of ways I got fucked up, to be honest with you. Nice. You opened the vault. Right?

And so we're in the principal's office and, you know, we get yelled at and the principal like afterwards is like, now I told him that he can't be picking on you. So don't let any boys pick on you. And In the future, young lady, what are we going to do if someone picks on us? And I'm like, we're going to find an adult, Mr. Starkey.

And he's like, that's correct, young lady. And this was, of course, you know, very big on ladies versus boys. What boys do and ladies. I'm like five, you know. And so he goes, and what are we not going to do next time somebody's picking on us?

We're not going to call him a cocksucker, Mr. Starkey. So, yeah, it's just like. Then I get in the car and my mom just blows up. She's like, I told you that there's words you don't say at school.

And I'm like, you didn't say don't say cocksucker. Cocksucker was not on the list. You know, so like it was the worst. I hated it. I hated school.

So I think that's part of why ultimately I dropped out of school was that it was just school was never good for me. I mean, in Louisiana it was violent. In Washington I felt stupid because Louisiana was the second worst education state in the country. And then Washington was the second best. So I jumped.

What's that, 46 states of qualities of education. That's a lot to deal with. Right. And my mom comes from a highly educated family. So she's like, you're going to love Washington and the schools.

You're going to learn so much. It's going to be so fun. And we get there and I hated Washington. I'd gone from Louisiana, which had jazz and, you know, etouffee and jambalaya and crawfish and amazing food to Washington where the culture is like potato soup with rubber chunks. That's what they got.

That's their big fucking claim to fame is clam chowder, you know, and, um, or fish and chips, you know, I mean, and salmon. And I was, and I didn't like salmon. I was like, this is gross. And, um, and I went to school for my first day and my mom was like, you're just going to love it. And, um, this was how I found out that I had a genius IQ, which is pretty fucking amazing considering I can't string anything together and I'm not educated and I very little common sense.

Um, but technically fucking genius. All right. And so she had stuck me in these classes in Louisiana, which were the magnet gifted program. Yeah. And when I went to Washington, they didn't look at my paperwork closely.

They just stuck me in the gifted and talented program. And the gifted and talented program in Washington was for people that were retarded. So the mentally disabled were. So I get to my first day of. School and it's Washington.

Everything's so great. And people wearing helmets and they're drooling and, you know. all that and i just was like this is not correct and and i. Was like once again a pc term that sent you down the wrong road right gifted and talented shouldn't really that's just two different things. Right and that's i mean i think they're horrible terms for both sides of the coin you know like it's condescending at worst you know what i mean like and so or at best but uh So I went home and my mom's like, how was school? And I'm like, those people are retarded.

She's like, all right, Alicia, I don't like that word. I've told you I don't like that word. And I'm like, mom, they're retarded. She's like, all right, Alicia, you're going to make friends. It's going to be okay.

You just have to give it a week or two. You'll meet people. And I'm like, mom, you are not listening to me. They're retarded. They're wearing helmets.

They're drooling. And my mom goes, do you mean mentally disabled? Yes, mentally disabled. Call it what you want to call it. And she was like, oh, so retarded.

My mom went down there and like yelled at me. I was like, does anyone read? Does anyone look at paperwork? So they put me in the genius classes, which was called Prism. And I got in there and I was like, I don't know what in the fuck is going on right now.

I can't. So they put me in the middle genius category just because I downgraded myself. I was like, I can't hang you guys. I don't know what is going on. It's horrible.

Can I go back to my old classes? I like coloring. Yeah. So, I mean, until I did stand-up comedy, I didn't really feel like I fit in anywhere ever, I guess. And I think that that's a very common piece of the comedian puzzle is some sort of outcast or whatever.

You know, like I don't think it really has so much to do with pain as it does being sensitive already and feeling like an outcast. Finding a way to deal with things. Yeah. Neuroses is definitely a big piece of the puzzle. And I'm definitely obviously well qualified for neuroses.

I think. When did you, I guess, realize that you could do something with it when it sort of clicked that maybe not even as. A job, but just as an outlet for you? You know, I think I knew pretty quickly because I think it's a pretty common myth among open micers that comedy is a therapy. But before I got into it, I spent six months reading up on it and studying.

That's more than most, yeah. Yeah, for somebody who couldn't sit through. An English class or a Spanish class, I certainly read every book, every book. I watched every comedian that I could get my hands on. And a lot of that was lifelong exposure to comedy.

Yeah. Um, when I was 12, I would go down to Blockbuster and rent everything they had. And then I'd go in the next week and go, do you have anything new? And they're like, no, nobody cares about comedy. And I'm like, I care.

Like standup videos. Yeah. There was that rush after the eighties that like they put out everything. Yeah. And then they stopped, you know, then there was nothing after that.

It died for almost 10 years. I'm probably an eighties connoisseur on standup comedy just from all my time at Blockbuster and digging through thrift store, recycle bins and you know, whatever else. But, um, I immediately knew that it was what I wanted to do. In my first show, I got one laugh, and I think it was out of pity. I don't think it was a sincere laugh to this day.

But getting that laugh was like, okay, now I just want to get a real laugh. And then getting the real laugh was, okay, now I just want every joke to get a real laugh. And then, okay, now I just want to do this. And the first time I got paid to do it, I tried to give the money back. I was like, I don't really understand this whole business concept part of it, you know?

Yeah. But yeah, no, I just, I think very quickly it was like, I have things I want to talk about, but I know I don't have the skills yet to talk about them. And so it, but it didn't take me long. I think it was within a year. I was definitely talking about family dysfunction and anger and addiction and, you know, things like that.

Fun stuff. Yeah. Yeah. The, I guess being, you know, bothering to study the whole process, I guess, then how do you approach your comedy? Is it something you spend a lot of time writing or is it more of just realizing a story and sort of honing it?

I would say both. I mean, sometimes I've gotten away from jokey jokes. I do have a pretty healthy chunk of jokey jokes in my act, but I've started getting a little bit more into storytelling, but more in like the Woody Allen method of making sure that your stories have punchlines. And, you know, I don't like dead space unless it's a very pointed story. You know what I mean?

Like awkward silence. Yeah. Like it's on purpose. It's supposed to be there. It has to be there.

It needs to be there. The whole thing falls apart if you don't have it, you know, like, um, and I kind of want to take a storytelling class and sort of, you know, find out what some of the, the, cause everything I do is, is winging it. Yeah. You know, is it something you rehearse a lot? Cause a lot of yours get into very specific, you know, you, you will get into the delivery that's, that's very word heavy.

And is it something that you have to work on the structure of the jokes themselves? I'm definitely a wordsmith. I mean, every word is very carefully chosen, um, right down to the, do I want a V here or do I just want to kind of get an ellipses in there? I mean, you know, there's a lot of ellipses in my act. Um, and there's points where there should be laughter and instead you get an ellipses, but whatever, it's fine.

We'll move on it. Um, so yeah, I, I mean, I definitely choose every word wisely and all that, but then there's other ones where I kind of babble my way through. You can tell how new a joke is by how much babbling there is. Um, and I try to always record the first time I do a joke because if not, there's something that you do naturally, instinctively the first time you do a joke and it'll crush and, and then you go to do it again and it just eats shit every time after that. And, you know, so you kind of, I try to capture that first time to see when I was genuinely enthusiastic about it.

Can I recreate that? I mean, they're, There is a degree of acting. I'm a terrible actress, which is one of the things. I sort of found comedy through process of elimination I did. I did modeling, like Cracker Jack modeling, not real modeling.

And I did poetry. And when I would read my poems, everybody would laugh. Well, there you go. There's the laugh you were looking for. But I wasn't trying to be funny.

I was like, this guy broke my heart, and I just need you. Guys to know. That's hilarious. And everybody's whole place is cracking up. And they're not laughing at me.

They're just laughing because it's funny. But I was so funny. I didn't know I was funny. I didn't know how I was funny. I didn't know why I was funny.

It was just a very natural thing, you know, so. That's funny that, yeah, you were sort of oblivious to it and everybody else was picking up on it. Right. That's fun. Yeah, I was kind of pushed into it by a boyfriend that bought me a book and was like, you should do this.

And I was like, well, first of all, this book is stupid. Any third grader would know this. He's like, no, no, Alicia, you don't understand. Most people don't know this. Right.

So I think I just had a lifelong osmosis education on comedy. Yeah. That almost like becomes part of the act right there. Okay. First off, this book is stupid and that it's like almost the first bit you need right there.

Right, right. You can take, I don't know how to do this bit and turn it into a bit. Well, and the first thing that I learned very quickly is that the things that are funny in your head that you imagine will be funny or not funny once they come out of your mouth and there's people staring at you and there's a light and you can't see them and it's very awkward and you know. you have to pee because you drank eight glasses of water because they kept bumping you and whatever. My first experience was not good. But yeah, so I forgot what we were saying.

Anyways, all right, well, it's your turn. Well, it's, I mean, at this point, again, we had that lull. I mean, the 80s was overrun with comedy and then you had that big drop off and then it's just in this last like 10 year period really sort of found itself again. And now it seems like there's a ton of comics again. Is there something you like, specifically do to kind of set yourself apart and find your own voice as a comic and be different from the tons of other comedians out there?

I mean, well, I mean, I think that like family dysfunction definitely was just such a big part of me that naturally I had to go down that road. And I sort of painted myself into a corner where now I have to figure out how I'm going to continue that or abandon it. And if I continue it, how am I going to make it better, deeper, more better, faster, harder, whatever. You know what I mean? Like, how am I going to outdo myself now?

And I think what I'm doing right now is trying to find a deeper level of honesty where when people leave, they don't think my mom is a cunt. And you know what I mean? Like, it's still funny. And I think there's a lot more now. I'm getting more into turning on myself instead of turning on other people.

Especially seeing the effect that it has on my family. They're very gracious about it, but I can tell it bothers them even though they won't say it bothers them. And then that, I feel bad and, you know, like that kind of stuff. So it's like, And they are good people and they do do their best. And so right now I'm at a weird crossroads of figuring out what happens next, you know.

I mean, I'm, you know, like there's people that do social and political commentary. I do not believe that I know anything that is going to and make it funny. Yeah. That is going to change the fucking world, you know. So it's like right now I'm just figuring out what is it about me now in my life and my views that is going to be the next thing, you know.

Because it is a natural thing, sometimes you just have to sort of stumble along until it becomes clear. Yeah. This was one, I guess, the intro to comedy part. We can wrap up with this. This was one that I had, and I guess a lot of people will specifically ask you this sort of, oh, as a woman in comedy kind of questions, which is kind of stupid and weird.

Right. I love that you recognize that. That's so awesome. People that have to separate and be like, well, did your vagina get in the way of telling jokes? And I'm like, women can't be funny.

What are you talking about? Well, when I started, it was fat, ugly, or gay. If you wanted to be a woman in comedy, you had to be either fat, ugly, or gay. Yeah, it's so weird that people still, I'm like, are we asking people questions in 1950? Like, why do you still ask women that question?

Yeah, I even had that. I mean, my record label, Stand Up Records, is extremely progressive. And that's why I'm with them. And, you know, I did a lot of research on record labels before I made my CD and ultimately decided that was who I wanted to work with. I was positive.

That was who I wanted to work with. And then when they wanted to work with me, I about shit myself because, you know, I mean, they have Mark Marin and, and Stan Hope and like, you know, the top Maria Bamford. And I mean, just, and that's not, that's just the ones that people know. That's not including all the people that we know that are amazing that aren't really household names, you know? So I was really flattered and really freaked out when they wanted to work with me.

But when we got to the end of the road and we were doing the album description in the album description, they wanted to put, um, Alicia Wood joins another group of amazing non-princesses, including Maria Bamford, Jackie Cation. And I was like, can we take that out? And it was down to crunch time, and everybody was really stressed out, and we got in a huge blowout about it. And he was like, just read it and shut up. Those are amazing comics.

You should be happy to be in there. company. And I was like, but you don't understand the fact that you're even bringing attention to the fact that I am a woman is a problem. And I just, just let me do what I do. Let me do my thing. And, um, and so we, we, we fixed it and it was fine and whatever.

But then later on down the road, we talked about it again. And I was like, here's where I'm coming from. And he was like, oh, I didn't get that. I thought that you meant and whatever. And so, At the end of the day, we were 100% on the same page and in agreement.

But it's like when you're working deadlines and you've got 19 projects going and you've got to do radio and this and that, and you kind of lose your ability to clearly say what you're. Trying to say. And so at the end of the day, he was like, oh, no, in that case, I totally agree with you. But in the moment, it was. Like, just shut up.

Well, the thing I wanted to go into was, and I just saw this again today, they're still on the story for like the last week now of the Ashley Judd comment. And hers is like people were giving her, making all these comments, especially online, because the internet's, you know, it's full of level-headed people that never fire off horrible statements about people. But yeah, they're talking about her look, and she looks puffy, and did she have surgery, and should she have surgery, and they all have this thing. So she goes off on this big rant, and rightfully so, about the unfair way women and girls are objectified in our culture. But what I wanted to ask was not so much the woman angle as the comic...

As a comic, it's kind of your job to make fun of things. You know, so where is it something that you draw the line? Because I know even on this show, I will. I mean, is there no like license to make fun of people? Because I've equally I. just recently made a comment that said Channing Tatum looks like he's getting kind of heavy.

Right, right, right. And I'm like, is he just hanging out with Jonah Hill? And that's what happens. I don't know. But they, yeah, I mean, all of a sudden I'm like, we, we make our snide comments.

I'm not above that, but that's my thing is like, where's the dividing line? You know, as somebody trying to, you know, deliver something entertaining, um, What is it? What's going too far? And when we totally safeguard everything, is there nothing funny anymore that we can't make. Any jokes about anybody anymore?

So I don't know. What were your thoughts on all of that nonsense? I mean, like, well, I don't know. I was watching it on the talk when I was getting my nails done at the thing that's down the street here, which that nail salon, I just want you to know, has one of those chairs that, like, it vibrates and does all that stuff, which I've experienced before. But this one's totally different, and I don't recommend it for men because.

While I'm in the middle of watching them talk about the Ashley Judd thing and I'm getting my nails done and all that, it starts punching me in the crotch. Well, there you go. Yeah. And it was not comfortable for me. And it was not sexy.

And it was not awesome. And it certainly had my undivided attention. But if I was a dude, I would not appreciate that motion. It depends on what you're into. Yeah.

But anyways, I saw someone on the talk saying, you know, where was she when everybody was making fun of her sister? Yeah. You know, and I thought that was a really interesting point. That's a good point, actually. Yeah.

Like, oh, so now it's you. So now it's we have to be nice to people. I do think we need to be nice to people. I do think that it's that there is too much pressure on women to be perfect. And, you know, there's too much speculating whether or not someone's pregnant or just heavy.

And that's just tabloid at this point. All we have to do is. All day long, find out who's pregnant and then take pictures of them and be like, look how heavy they are. Yeah. And so, but, but I personally do not make fun of people's looks.

I don't make fun of, um, I mean, I think we've forgotten that just because you're famous that you're not human. And that's the problem is that, you know, I mean, even like with my CD reviews, I got my own taste of like, Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah. You know, um, yeah.

And then, uh, the other night we had a woman who was ruining the show just by blah, blah, blah, you know? And, um, she left and she left me a note that called me a meth mouth. And, um, for whatever reason, this woman thought I was on meth. I've never done meth. I'm, it sounds bad.

Um, I can't come from a medical background and be fucking around with meth, you know, like, um, and the drugs that I have done, you know, because of my father and mother's daughter, I've researched heavily before doing them, you know, like, uh, Because there's a couple of them where it's like, oh, really? Drains all your spinal fluid and that doesn't come back? Well, we're going to. Skip that one. You don't need that.

Yeah. But, all right. Anyway, this is the worst. You cannot let me tangent. Yeah.

So basically, I just, I don't make fun of people. I do think it's mean. I do think it's wrong. I'm very self-conscious about my teeth. So like that woman kind of hit me right in the fucking, right in, well, literally in the kisser, but in my fucking hurt spot, you know?

Like, because when I smile, I look like a pterodactyl and my teeth are just bad and it's because. I don't have money to get them fixed. Believe me, the moment I have money, veneers, all fucking veneers. Nice. Yeah, absolutely.

Like, look, I, no one can see this, but like, you have to see this. Like, ah, I got, uh, uh, I'm working on that. Yeah. That saved me $ 600. Um, because, uh, it was an emergency root canal and we reuse the crown and that's fine, but they didn't tell me they were going to drill a hole through it and then fill it up with gray shit.

So like there's an obvious gray dot in the back of my, so the tooth is still there and I can chew and I'm fine, but it's the ugliest fucking thing you've ever seen in your life. And had he told me, he told me this is going to be painful. I'm like, fine. He's like, And it may not work. And I'm like, all right, let's risk it.

And he's like, and it's going to save you $ 600. I'm like, woo, bargain shopper, let's do this. Had he said it's going to be the ugliest fucking thing that's going to make you really self-conscious, I would have been like, I'm going to go borrow some money and figure out how to make this happen. So, yeah, no. So, I mean, and if I wasn't working in Hollywood, I don't think I'd give a shit about fixing my teeth and about, you know, having perfect hair and, you know, all of that kind of stuff.

So, you know, it's only something that is, a side effect of my job. I would have never learned how to do my makeup well if I wasn't on stage and my best friends didn't drag me to the makeup counter and go, if you're going to be a star, you have to look pretty, Alicia. I'm like, are you sure? You know, so I guess I feel like it's both sides of the coin, but like you look like what you look like. Those are things you can't really control.

And so what if you're having a bad day and you want to self-medicate and gain five pounds? Fuck off. You know, like I just, I don't know. I don't know why people forget that other people are human and have feelings and that you can cause some severe psychological damage to people. Like that's how people become anorexic and bulimic and things like that.

I've gotten the one that I don't feel too bad making comments on is the surgery angle. I mean, you know, basic stuff, you know, ears and stuff is no big deal. But when people start massively changing the way they look, I don't know. I'm just kind of like, what are you doing to yourself? Because usually they look good beforehand.

Right. And it goes horribly wrong because they keep it. I mean, like you're spending thousands of dollars to get this done. And in the end, you look way worse than you did when you started. I don't know.

I'm not sure what's driving that anymore. Cause sometimes, I don't know that in, um, in standup, I feel like it's really common. Like I feel like when you turn 40, you either need to come out of the closet or get plastic surgery. I feel like those are the options for famous female comics. You know, I can be wrong.

I haven't done like an extensive study of it or anything, but those are the patterns. That sounds about right actually. Yeah. Either you turn 40 and you get a new face or, or you come out of the closet and, uh, love yourself. I don't know.

But, um, and I don't really like either one of those options personally, but, uh, I always joke around. I'm like, I'm X amount of years from having to be gay just by lack of options. Just letting you guys know. Yeah. And you, I'm checking you out.

You're on the list. You got three years and I'll come find you. Yeah. But yeah, I think, you know, and of course my girlfriends are like, oh my God, Alicia, you cannot do that to yourself. I'm like, I don't want to like.

And if I get Botox, I mean, my facial expressions are a huge piece of the puzzle for what I do. So I need all these parts of my face to move. So I don't, and I've already got a huge weird wrinkle that goes across like here and I know it's there and, I've made peace with that one about three years ago because it's just from all of the raising my eyebrows every night, night after night. Occupational hazard. Yeah.

So, I mean, but I also think that, you know, if there was something that would not change the way my face looked, that would buy me more time. I probably would do it if I was old enough and unhappy with my face and all that. Yeah. I also want to be able to just grow old gracefully and look 60 when I'm 60. And there are women, you know, again, guys are doing it too, but there are so many women that do it.

And I'm like, there are ones that aren't that I'm like, she looks great. You know, it's just like, there are women who age very well. And Give it a shot. See if you, before you start butchering up your face. Yeah.

But I would certainly do the Joan Rivers and be honest about it. I would certainly be like, yeah, I just got a new face, everybody. Here it is. You know? And that's a better option, I guess.

I still hate the way she looks, but she's funny. Like you can't take that away from her. She's still funny. She's still sharp. Well, and it's mind blowing that she's in her eighties.

Yeah. Mind blowing. When you see all that, that movie was so good on her. And like, when I watched that, I was like, this is the scariest fucking movie I've ever watched in my entire life. Because You know, here she is just trying to, you know, keep all the...

There's people that depend on her because she is an empire. Yeah. She's like, if I don't find another gig in March, somebody's kid doesn't go to college or drops out of college or, you know, like. That's the industry part of it. Yeah.

Yeah. But I, you know, I also... there's a piece of me that doesn't worry about this stuff too much because I think that I'm not going to make it that far anyway. So it's like, whatever, I'll look like I'm 15 and I'll get hit by a bus and we'll be fine or I'll die of lung cancer. There we go. Yeah.

You know, so an upbeat take on it. But yeah, but it's also scary because like, I look at the people that were 10 years ahead of me when I started and they're still 10 years ahead of me. And, uh, you know, they're making massive life changes and I'm like, so what's going on? And I think it was Augie Smith who told me, would some of us planned for a death that never came, you know? And, and, And it made me laugh so hard because I was like, oh, fuck, that might happen to me.

Like, that's my luck. Like, I would plan to die. I'm already supposed to be dead. I was supposed to die in my early, early, early 30s, like 31. And also 29 was another one.

I was going to die at 29 and I was going to die at 31. And now I'm still alive. It's good to have goals. Yeah. And then, you know, of course, every time I cough, I'm like, this is it.

This is the lung cancer. And it's going to be fast three weeks down and gone. And it never happens. And so, and I really want to quit smoking because I really don't want cancer. But, you know, it's one of.

Those things where it's like, that's the shit that's rattling around in my head. It's like, I don't need plastic surgery. I'm going to die of cancer. But then if I don't die of cancer, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do because I planned for that. That's why when my life insurance and 401k financial people call me, which is hilarious because they call me and they go, do you want these services?

And I'm like, I don't have any money to plan around. That's how I'm doing it. I'm like, I don't have to worry about saving. I don't have anything to save. Right.

And they go, well, what happens if you die? And I go, I think that that's just going to be best for everyone, honestly. That kind of is my retirement plan right now is just to die because You know, what do I need? How much is a funeral? They're like, it's $ 5, 000 for a funeral.

I'm like, my family can pull that together. They'll be fine. It's, you know, as long as I can stay out of debt, which is what I'm doing right now, is just staying out of debt. And then the money I have is the money I have. I don't even have that plan.

That's my out at this point. I've got a decent amount of debt going and I'm just like, well, all I got to do is die now. And then you guys got to figure out what to do with it. Yeah. So sucks to be you, my family, because, you know, I don't know what to tell you at that point.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, if I could just have enough life insurance to cover, you know, grinding up my ashes and, you know, sticking them in the yard, then I think everybody would be happy, you know. And my family, because they're a medical family, is totally like that. They're not like, well, we want a nice velvet box Well, she's dead.

Just fucking what's the cheapest thing we can do at this point? Well, on that cheery note, let's take a break here and we'll come back and get into the movie. This is a. Happy song Cause I want cancer of everything. Yeah, right.

And if I fall down in my faces. Cause I get attention. Of everything. Before the next show starts, let's enjoy an intermission. You'll find our snack.

Bar chock full of good. Things to eat and drink. Tasty, tempting hot dogs, thirst-quenching soft drinks, fresh, crunchy popcorn, a complete assortment of delicious candy, and a full line of cigarettes. You've plenty of time, so visit the snack bar now. A tasty treat will double your enjoyment of the show.

For your convenience, we shall keep you informed of the remaining intermission time. Three minutes before the next show starts. Magic has to be believed. That's the only way it's real. A little girl with a big imagination lived in the faraway forests of India in a world filled with magic. and her father's boundless love.

You can be anything you want to be, my love, as long as you believe. What do you believe? That you are and always will be my little princess. When he was sent away... Goodbye, princess.

Girls, say hello to our new arrival, Miss Sarah Crew. Hello, Sarah. Her belief in magic came to life. Come on, Becky. Just make believe it.

Remember the magic? She would make some very special friends. Can you really talk to him, Sarah? Say hello to all my friends. There were days I thought I would die until I heard you talk about the magic.

And one very powerful enemy. I'm afraid jewelry and such finery are not allowed. Dear Papa, I love you with all of my heart and can't wait for the day when you come back to me. Everything you own now belongs to me. You're not a princess any longer.

From the author of The Secret Garden comes the classic that has thrilled generations, A Little Princess. Don't tell me you still fancy yourself a princess. I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they aren't pretty or smart, they're still princesses.

It is the adventure of a young girl whose courage is as big as her heart. I'll come back for you. I promise. A magical motion picture. Me?

For anyone who has ever made a wish or had a dream. A little princess. No miracle is ever too small. Tweaked Audio, your source for high-performance, noise-reducing earbuds. Available in three styles and seven colors, durable and designed to sound great for both music and those chatty podcasts, like the one you're listening to now.

Tweaked Audio earbuds come with a one-year warranty, And now there's a special deal for Movie Meltdown listeners. Just go to tweakedaudio.com, and when you check out, enter the discount code MELTDOWN. Then you'll get 33% off and free shipping. Tweaked Audio. Sounds better.

Coming May 26th and 27th. Wonderfest. In this, their 22nd year. Wonderfest is still the annual expo for model and toy collectors, with a huge display and competition for plastic kits and garage kits. This year, in addition to all the events, they are also welcoming actress Joanna Cassidy from Blade Runner and Who Framed Roger Rabbit, as well as Bill Moseley, Julie Adams from Creature in the Black Lagoon, and designer and illustrator Eric Chu, who redesigned the Cylons, Raiders, Vipers, and much of the universe for Battlestar Galactica. plus lots of other guests and activities.

So go to wonderfest.com and check it out yourself. Hi, this is Graham Owen. You're listening to Movie Meltdown. Remember, Michael Bay sucks. It's part of your problem.

You know. You haven't seen enough movies. All of life's riddles are answered in the movies. And now, on with the show. I'm the new cancer.

I've never looked better and you can't stand it. Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? I've never looked better and you can't stand it. And I know, and I know it just doesn't feel like it at all. No one's sizing you up.

I've never been so surreptitious, so of course I'll be. Distracted when I spike the punch. And I know. And I know, it just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up. I've never been so surreptitious, so of course I'll be distracted when I spike the punch.

Okay, we are back, and now we were gonna get into the movie end of it here. Um. Again, in the. Wonderful press that's out there, at one point they have you credited with being in several independent films. Oh, yeah.

You actually read my resume in order to get that information. I'd watch how they bill that because that almost sounds like you're doing porn. She's been in a lot of independent films. Yeah, I think independent is just a better word for not real. You can't probably find this movie, but I was in it.

I was also in a TSA training video, which I guess is probably. Why I usually don't have a lot of problems at airports. I don't know. I don't know if that video is still in circulation. It's her.

Let her on through. So I guess what's the real end of it? Do you want to claim that you've actually done as far as film work? Well, there's one that's going to be released in a little while, and it's called Dangerous. And I may be incorrectly portraying this movie, but basically it's– it's a take on, it's a spoof basically of bad 70s action flicks.

It doesn't sound wrong because I've seen the trailer. It looks like it's very tongue-in-cheek making. Fun of those. Right, yeah. And I do, I play the lead character's mom in a flashback.

And it's a parody off of, what was the Van Halen movie where, Hot for Teacher. Hot for Teacher. And everybody's like, oh, that's so awesome. You're going to be the, I'm like, no, no, I'm the mom. I'm not the teacher.

I'm Wayne's mom. But it's, I play Brett's mom. And, uh, we, uh, it's a really, I don't want to ruin it because it's a really fast thing. I only have like one, like little tiny monologue that I do. And it's really, if I just, I say a lot of wrong stuff that would make my father proud.

And, um, yeah, and it was, it was really fun to do. And, um, but yeah, so it's just a little thing, but it's a little piece within this whole huge movie. And I've seen a lot of the footage from it and it's pretty, it's pretty good to be honest with you. And, uh, Um, but I guess, I don't know, you always think that your friend's work is, is great. I love to act in my friend's projects, but not in like real things.

You know, if it's like my, and that's one thing I'm really lucky about is my friends do write a lot of parts for me where they're like, okay, I, but I'm always a hooker or, you know, it's like, it's my guy. You guys think so much of me. Yeah, no, it's my guy comic friends that always write these parts where they're like, so we're in bed. You know, or so you're just a hooker or, you know, but it's always something where I'm wearing minimal clothing. I'm like, I appreciate that you guys think that I go to the gym, but I don't.

And I'm flattered. But yeah, so but this part was at least something where I was wearing clothing and whatever. And in that movie, there were five different parts that I was supposed to play, but I was always on the road. So this was the one that I ultimately was able to get to kind of squeeze me into the movie. So, yeah.

I'm actually really looking forward to it. And it was made by a Seattle comic, written, directed, produced by a Seattle comic. And so I'm hoping we do some sort of a premiere in Seattle because there are so many Seattle comedians that are in this movie. And there's also a lot of musicians in L.A. that are in the movie that are acting. And it's just really funny because in order to do a spoof, you don't have to be able to act well.

And I think it really comes across. And it's hilarious because a lot of the musicians are acting better than a lot of the comics are acting. So, yeah. Is it going to get an official, or do you even know at this point, once you do the festival circuit, hopefully, is it going to end up on DVD. Or streaming or any of that?

I don't know, but if I know Moser the way I think I know Moser, he'll make it available to the public in some sense. I mean, whether it's downloaded off the website for free. There's a lot of options. Yeah, yeah. Moser's going to make sure his art is seen.

He also has a musical album called The Sex Album, and it's just him fucking around in GarageBand. or whatever. And, uh, uh, I'm in a music video for one of his musics called divorced moms. And, um, it's sort of a takeoff of a bad, bad, bad eighties videos. And, uh, And that's what I love about Moser's projects is that he has no training in making movies or making music. And he's just like, whatever, I'm just going to do this and bring everybody else on board.

Once you get into people that aren't dealing with multi-million dollar budgets, it usually just becomes that there's either a sense of humor about it or the way, especially comedies, they're so hard to do anyway. But then when you have no money on top of that, so you really kind of have to have a good sense of humor. And if you can make that work, people can be so much more forgiving of, you know, you didn't have good lighting here or, you know, you couldn't afford good sets. Right. So if you just can deliver the comedy, yeah, that makes up for so much other stuff.

Well, yeah. And it's hard not to, as a comedian, it's hard not to be on board with a project where the pitch is, listen, we're going to do this and we're going to do it poorly. Are you in? Fuck yeah, I'm in. Absolutely.

Can I say no to that? Yeah. So is there anything else you want to credit yourself with or. No, just my CD came out, and people should go click five stars on iTunes and Amazon, and if they want, download it and listen to it, but definitely click five stars. I keep telling them to do that on our show, too, but they've slacked off lately.

Yeah. Well, and I bought princesswood.com, so people can find all this stuff. It's always great. Updated and, you know, I'll cross-reference this show on there and all that stuff. And yeah.

Yeah. That's what I was going to go into at some point here is, yeah. Princess is the CD. Princess is the name of the CD and aliciawood.com is my website, but because Alicia is spelled really retardedly, I mean, mentally disabledly spelling. Yeah.

Let's get that straight. Yeah. So I bought princesswood.com just because it's easier to say on the radio and people hopefully know how to spell that. Yeah. Yeah.

So yeah. Was there something. specific you were doing with that CD or is it just kind of capturing a performance? Well, you know, that's, we kind of had to sit down and figure out, cause I have a lot of material. So it was like, and we were shooting for 40 or 45 minutes and I think it came out to be 43 plus. Something like that.

And so it was like, do I want to do Alicia Wood greatest hits? Do I want to do Alicia Wood today and now? Do I, you know, like, what is it that we're going to do? And what we decided to do was an album that sort of introduces people to who I am, who the quote unquote characters in my life and my world are, so that when they listen to future albums, they have the foundation set for all of that. So That was the choice that we made.

So it is a lot of– and then there's some random stuff thrown in it. This joke about this and that joke about that is also peppered in there. And then there's also 15 minutes that I don't do in clubs anymore that I only do in colleges because they're jokes that I wrote when I was 22. So they still crush in colleges. But when I do them in clubs, people look at me like, how old are you?

Like that you still have these concerns and issues and viewpoints, you know? Yeah, I guess you got to update every once in a while. Right. And so one or two of those jokes is on there, but not the whole 15, but not even close. And that's one thing we've talked about is like, how do we capture these jokes for college students?

Because I do do a lot of college shows and not like a ton, but a pretty healthy amount of colleges and really enjoy it because You know, college kids are very idealistic, and I'm very idealistic, and the only difference between them and me is that their ideals haven't been tested, you know, and mine have. They don't know what they're talking about. Yeah, I still believe in recycling and rainbows and, you know, like all the stuff that I believed in when I was 22. It's just some of it's not quite as easy. Like sometimes you just have to throw the cigarette butt on the ground.

You know, you just don't have another option, but I really. Do my best. You just don't have a cigarette. Well, that's getting into a whole level of semantics that I think is unnecessary and uncalled for. Oh, well, then I guess, you know, you've gotten a little bit of the movie world there.

Is it something that you, seeing the amount that you have, is it something that you want to move into? You've got sort of a goal to get into that end of it more, the movie and TV side of it? Is that a goal down the line? It's something that I unfortunately have to get into. I don't think I have a choice if I want to have an actual career in stand-up.

You know, like, I mean, I do this for a living, but You know, the club money is not good. Colleges won't last forever. You know, there's going to be an Alicia Wood that's 22 that's going to show up. You know, that Cypress Hill song, Rockstar. Like, I feel like I'm constantly living out that Cypress Hill, Rockstar.

Somebody else is coming up behind you. Watch out. Stay on your game. Get better, you know. So I feel like, you know, if you think about any famous comedian, they were in television or in movies.

Yeah. Um, you know, everybody's like, what about Richard Pryor? No, Pryor was in a lot of movies, Blazing Battles, you know, all that kind of stuff. So, um, so I feel like if I want to be able to sell out theaters, I have to act and I'm not thrilled about it, but, um, but I'm willing to act. It's just not a passion for me, you know, like standup is a passion, but I'm willing to act if it's going to help me sell out.

Theaters, you know? It seems like that's how comedy is working now. Like everybody that's becoming and finding these new audiences and bringing in crowds is doing it. Because they're supplementing it with something else. That they have their own show or they have their own, you know, TV show.

And they find, you know, doing that then brings in the audience for the stand-up stuff, which is a weird way to go about it, I guess. There's not many other careers that you do that. You do something else to make this career work. Yeah, it's kind of like Mitch Hedberg's joke, which I'm about to butcher because I don't remember it exactly. But it's something like Hollywood– Stand-up comedy is the only profession where they go, great, so you're good at jokes.

Now, can you farm? You know, like, or whatever. I can't remember what the exact joke is, but it's really funny. And I'm not doing it justice. Which, by the way, there's a shop down the street called Baby D's, and they have a Hedberg Club on the menu, which I love.

And those dudes came into the show the other night, and they were awesome. They were very cool. Apparently producing a bunch of shows with, like, the works and stuff like that over at Headliners. Yeah. But anyways, yeah, and they were like, maybe we'll name a sandwich after you if you're funny.

And I never found out if I was funny enough to get a sandwich, but it'd be an interesting, the wood club or whatever. That doesn't sound very. Appetizing to me. Is this at a golf club? Yeah, yeah.

I guess, you know, the only other one of these segments we always do, and just kind of round out with that, we do our own little round of geek activities. So I like to throw that out to people and see just sort of. In general, what you've been doing that's sort of, you know, fun and geeky or, you know, if you've been watching stuff like that. But I think I know of one that I'm going to have to ask about. Ziplining?

Ziplining. Oh, and I don't know if that's going to happen because I'm doing this show right now. But, you know, the middle act for this week, Lindsay Bolling, who's really funny up and comer out of Louisville, also works part time doing tours for ziplining in the mega caverns. Is that what it is? Yeah, the mega caverns.

And, um, so she was like, you have to go, you totally have to go. And I was like, all right, all right. And so, um, I may not go unfortunately because I'm here right now, but, um, but yeah, it's something that I was like, what is it? She's like, you just shoot across the cave. And I'm like, ah, it doesn't sound good.

She's like, she's like, no, no, it's really cool. And so, so I was like, all right, I'll do it. And then I talked to a bunch of other people that were like, oh no, that is really cool. You really need to do that. And I was like, okay, cool.

So, um, but draw something is my current geek thing. Um, I always play words with friends and now I'm sort of, I've been so busy in the last month that I haven't really been able to do it, but draw something I really am super addicted to. Is this the phone version? Pictionary. Okay.

I know somebody who constantly I'll be sitting there talking to them and I'll look over and they're trying to draw something on their phone. I'm like, what the hell are you doing now? trying to do obstetrician and it holds on. Yeah. Like that's the triple points right there. Yeah.

Well, and I play with a wide variety of people. I play with my closest girlfriends. Um, I play with, uh, you know, um, former staff members of clubs I play with or staff members of clubs that I haven't seen in eight months or whatever. And, uh, and, uh, comedians. And I feel like comedians are the best at it because we have to communicate an idea, but now you're having to communicate it visually.

And, um, and I actually play with an actual cartoonist who is, no fun to play with. Yeah, that's cheating. Yeah, right. But it's always really funny to, like, you'll sit there and watch the whole game play out just because you're like, what is this ultimately going to look like, you know? And it's such a new game that is still being developed.

So, like, you get the same words over and over again. So you draw the same photo that somebody drew for you and then two seconds in, they're like, oh, right, okay, Jordan, got it, yeah. Nike, on it. iPhone, yep. Well, yeah, that's one of the other things I was wondering is touring around as much as you do, what do you do with yourself in each of these? You know, you get planted in a city for a couple of days, and then what do you end up doing with it?

Obviously not sleeping because I talked to you last night at like 3.30. We were messaging back and forth. I was like, your sleep schedule is as messed up as mine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I apologize for the brevity because I'm always trying to communicate with so many people that I'm like, one, comedy caravan, fine, good.

Going to bed now. Yeah, no, I'm very busy right now. I'm surprised at how busy I am, which is a good problem to have. But, like, I don't have a lot of downtime. You know, I haven't been getting eight hours of sleep every night, which, you know, when you have ADD, you really need eight hours of sleep every night.

And, you know, of course, you had that huge thunderstorm that rolled in and woke me up. I thought that a nuke had gone off. It was the loudest thunderclap ever. And then I couldn't go back to sleep. So I was like, man, fuck.

So, yeah. When I do have downtime, I do like to do like draw something words with friends. Um, Netflix, big into the Netflix. Um, well then that, that opens up the floodgates there. Yeah.

If I can't, if I can't sleep, there's a great documentary on Netflix called, uh, it's the Lewis and Clark expedition and it's so boring and it's so fucking, the music's all like, right. Lewis and Clark were traveling through Oregon. I'm usually out within 15 minutes. I've never seen more than 15 minutes of it. I've never gotten to Sacagawea.

Right, but I've watched it four times. I've watched it at least four times when I was having insomnia and I couldn't, but Lewis and Clark, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I did that with a movie lately. It was a two-hour movie and it became like a miniseries. It took me about four or five nights to get through it.

Yeah, no, I just start it from the beginning. I just start it from the beginning. I watch the same 15 minutes, and within 15 minutes, I'm out. Lewis and Clark are in Oregon. It's the worst.

Aside from that, is there anything else you've seen lately that you've enjoyed or didn't like? No, I mean, when I go home, my brother always stockpiles all the videos that I need to see that are the more current ones that he's stolen off the internet or whatever. We don't endorse that behavior. I do not. I do not.

But I don't have money to go to theaters and taking three hours out of your day and spending 15 bucks depending on where you are is not in my game plan. Especially when the Netflix is eight bucks and it's always there. All month. So, yeah, I'm very up on things that no one cares about, but as far as what's current, I don't even know what's in theaters right now. Yeah, we're usually watching stuff from the 70s, so feel free to range wherever you want.

Got you, okay. Any classics that you actually do like or. See, I'm so bad at like list questions where it's like give me a list of like your top five movies. Or just favorites. You know, like favorites.

Stuff that you always go back to. I'm not good at watching things over and over again because once I've seen it, like I really like the element of surprise and all of that. I like shitty movies. Yeah, everybody's crapping on Titanic. And I'm like, I like Titanic.

Never let go. I mean, I'm all about it. I love shitty movies. And so my friends in Hollywood are always like, I thought the movie The Composition was... I'm like, I liked the Never Let Go.

I cried. Not a lot, just a little bit. But then I've got enough Hollywood in me that I can't watch movies with my... non-Hollywood friends because they're like, you ruin everything. I'm like, but the lighting is fucked up right there. How does that bother nobody?

Or, you know, why do they have an umbrella now and two seconds ago they didn't have an umbrella? Like continuity. I'm always watching out for continuity. These are the kind of things we bring up every week. So yeah, feel free.

Yeah. But my best friend like punched me last time I watched a movie with her and she was like, you know, she was like, you're no fun. I'm not watching. You just ruined it. If you can't just watch it, then shut up.

She got so. Mad at me. Recently, I fact-checked when they invented porcelain fillings because it was a period piece and I wanted to. Make sure they were accurate. And were they accurate?

They were, actually. Oh, all right. They were like the 60s is when they were invented. I was just like, wait a minute. So, yeah, I nitpick.

I can have that mode in me where I'm like, wait a minute, is that right? Yeah. I don't know if I trust you guys. Well, I love anything that's historical, which I think is why I like Titanic so much. I mean, I didn't care about the acting.

I didn't care about. It was just like that opening scene where they go underwater and they find the Titanic and then the doors open and there's all the water and then suddenly it goes back to... It goes from modern day to back then or whatever. Yeah, yeah. And up the staircase.

And I just about peed on myself. I was like, this is the coolest thing ever. It's like coming to life. And all I've ever seen is photos. And now it's real.

That's the thing. People like to trash that. And I think it's just because it got so popular. And people just like to hate things that everybody else likes. Well, and it was. childish thing that people just knee-jerk react no it's stupid because it made a hundred billion dollars.

No because it was three hours long and because it was a romantic thing and men had to sit through a three-hour movie that had no explosion but by the end. You've got a boat cracking in half and people drowning and falling on it there i think that last half is an amazing action movie yeah That I'm like, you're sandwiching this together. This is like the best date movie ever. You've got, you know, the first half is this big sappy romance and it's a well done romance. Yeah.

And then the end is just like shit breaking for an hour and a half. It's like. Yeah. Well, and I left for five minutes because it was such a long movie to go smoke a cigarette. But I like ran back in and I sat down.

I'm like, what did I miss? And they were like, they haven't hit the fucking iceberg yet. It's two hours in and they haven't hit the iceberg. Yeah, well, and I also loved, because I am into, like, historical fact-checking, like, no mention of sharks. No mention of sharks whatsoever in Titanic.

And those were shark-infested waters. And a lot of people did not come out with all of their body parts. You know what I mean? Like, when they did finally go pick up a lot of the bodies, there was a lot of half-bodies or, you know, they were just shoulder-up, you know, like, that went in boats because the sharks had gotten to so many people. They're saving that for the Indianapolis movie.

When are they going to make that? That's the best story ever. I can't believe somebody hasn't ripped it off and made a horrible straight-to-DVD movie. Out of the Indianapolis. What is the Indianapolis?

That's basically the story he tells in Jaws. It's the military boat that was delivering the bomb to bomb Japan comes back and gets hit by a Japanese torpedo, and then it sinks, and there's just hundreds of guys out in the ocean. And then the sharks move in. And by the end, there's a handful that they take home because they all got. Eaten by sharks.

Oh, so it's Indianapolis the boat. Yeah, USS Indianapolis. Yeah, it's... Why somebody hasn't made a movie out of that at this point, I don't know. Because that seems like the most...

I mean, I guess it's still maybe in bad taste, but it. Hadn't stopped him. I think that's what it is because I don't have any words for you. I don't have any words for you right now. Like, I keep trying to come up with an opinion, but I'm like, I don't know that that sounds like something I'd want to watch.

That's why I said straight to DVD. It's like a sci-fi channel movie. But I also have, like, a super huge fear of sharks because I watch Jaws and Kindergarten in the front row. And, you know, the giant– that is not a place where you want someone that's a kindergartner in the front row. But my dad, not good on judgment.

So– There's a Mad Max. Apparently that was a problem. I don't remember it, but apparently I saw Mad Max and had nightmares for weeks and my mom was pissed. And like, you know, I've told you not to blah, blah. I think that's what happened to me.

I just watched too much of it and it didn't mess me up. Well, it messed me up, but I didn't become conscious of it. Nobody went, don't let him watch that anymore. So I just continued to work my brain. Well, yeah.

And I just, I think I was destined to be warped. And I think some of that is because of, you know, being my dad's daughter and, you know, I'm literally 50% of him. He's, all of my spastic qualities. He's that times two and, uh, or squared, I don't know, two, probably times two. And, um, uh, you know, cause he, cause he would take me to see all these crazy movies and tell me all these things I wasn't supposed to know.

And, you know, all of that kind of stuff. Um, and that was where like all the inappropriateness ended, but it just warped my head, you know, but he didn't know, you know, like he didn't know that's what he was doing. And And, you know, my brain works the exact same way that his does, you know, where not all the wires connect and things disconnect, which sounds scary because he's a doctor. But he's actually able to super hyper focus and he's very, very, very good at what he does. But it doesn't sound like it because he's like, you know, well, I saw somebody.

I stopped because there was a motorcycle accident. There's noodles all over the freeway. And I'm like, Dad, stop saying– please just stop saying noodles. I mean– Well, that's usually how it is. If you're massively talented in one area, it usually detracts from everything else.

In your life. Yeah. I always say that like my dad is like a medical degree away from being the Unabomber because he's like so smart. Like, and he's so he's a little bit out of sync with society, but not like in a, in a tragic way. But the fact that he has that medical degree to focus all those energies into is, is what makes him an amazing doctor.

But if you didn't have that, I don't know who he'd be. You know, I don't, I don't know. It's interesting. Nice. I know you've, Got a piece you do on paranormal activity.

Do you like horror movies? No. No. I hate horror movies. I don't like anything that's jump scare.

Yeah. I will tell you, Dave and Tucker vs. Evil is the greatest movie of all time as far as horror movies go. If you haven't seen that, that movie. Somebody told me, because when I was on codeine for three weeks waiting to have enough money to be able to afford finishing my root canal, I watched Merlin on Netflix, the whole thing.

I watched all of the tutors. And I watched, what was I just about to say? Do you know? uh, Tucker and Dale versus evil. Yeah. Somebody recommended that to me.

And, um, it's really good. Yeah. And it, and I, for the first two minutes I was like, oh, okay, got it. Teenagers on a trip. And then they stop at the thing.

I'm like, right. Creepy guy. And then the whole movie just flips on its head within the first eight minutes. And within the first 11 minutes you're howling. It's such a funny movie.

And, There's so many quotable lines in there. I don't want to ruin it for anybody. But, yeah, Dave or Dale. Tucker and Dale versus you. Whatever.

It's such a good movie. Such a good movie. Yeah, it's amazing it took them that many years of making bad kids in the woods movies that they finally, somebody got a sense. Of humor and went, what if we just turn it around? Right, right.

It's, yeah, it's amazing it took that long, but they did a good job. They did. And right when you think that it's like, okay, I know what the rest of the movie is going to be like, they do a really good job of making a left turn or doing a 180. Like, I think it's a really well done movie. And again, it's also one of those ones where it's like, you almost think that they went, let's do this poorly.

Let's... Let's not do this correctly, you know? Let's not try too hard. Right. Let's keep it fun.

And then there's something else about that movie. But I just don't like jump scare. I don't like the ring when they're just, wah, out on the TV. Like, fuck you. All right?

Fuck you. That was unnecessary. And I don't like when, because a lot of it, too, is that I talk a lot about my girlfriends, but I have another group of guy friends that I'm very tight with. But, you know, your relationship with men and women is totally different because the men I talk to when it's big, big shit. You know, and the women I talk to every day about little things and da-da-da and do-do-do.

But, like, my dudes, you know, they're, like, around. It's like, you know, they're just more like, look, if you buy me pizza, I'll show up and I'll move shit. All right? So that's what I do. And, you know, or like if I get dumped, then they'll take me out and get me completely hammered and then walk in.

Hey, buddy, shove off. All right. Just let her get drunk in peace. All right. She's heartbroken, you know, and that kind of stuff.

But, oh, damn it. I had a point. Movies. Movies. And my dude friends and, oh, but they would scare the shit out of me when we were watching movies growing up.

And so I don't appreciate that in any way, shape, or form. I don't like it when it's you do the bleh, you know, or whatever. Yeah. Arachnophobia. I hate that movie so much.

That movie literally fucked my whole world up because I didn't like spiders before that. And after that, I. Really did not like spiders. And my best friend's mom was just telling me they can transmit staph. And I'm like, oh, and antibiotic resistant staph.

So I was like, oh, I hate spiders. So, yeah, that's my least favorite movie of all time by far is Arachnophobia. Yeah. Yeah. We end up on a lot of weird, any like weird, what the hell did I just watch kind of stuff.

I don't know. We have such a, I've found so many over the years that I'm just like, how did this get made? Like I just, I really. And distributed on a national scale. And like put out by a major studio and millions of dollars thrown at it.

And like midway in, I'm like, what is going on right now? I don't know if there were any of those that are, once you remember. being traumatized by. No but I will watch every minute of a bad movie and even hating myself but it's like I want to see if it's me you know like maybe you just have to get all the way to the end and at the end it ends up being good but like Nothing jumps out, but, no, I've seen a lot of bad, bad stuff. Some of it's stuff that, okay, what was the movie with Tom Cruise where the frogs come out of the sky? And I fucking hated that movie.

Is it Magnolia? Magnolia. Magnolia. We have a regular on the show that continually will return to complaining about that movie every couple of episodes. Yeah, but I'm the only person that I know of that does not like that movie.

People are like, oh, but the symbolism of the whatever. And it's so artistic. And I'm like, this doesn't make any fucking sense. But that's me in general. Like I'm not good with interpretation, you know.

Symbolism. Yeah, I need you to kind of lay it out for me because otherwise I get bored and I leave, you know. But like that was one with the frogs out of the sky. I had sat through that whole movie going, okay, apparently it's going to get really good. And the critics are really raving about it.

And all my friends are like, oh, my God, it's really amazing. And then when the frogs start coming out of the sky, I literally was like, I'm fucking leaving, all right. I don't know what the fuck. You know, and then I called and yelled at all my friends that were like, it's so good. You know, like I was at the ballet and it's the same thing where it's like I don't understand plays where they tell you what's going on, where they're like, and now Hamlet is upset and the mother is whatever and the father and the skull.

Like I still get confused and don't really understand what's going on. And so the ballet is even worse for me because it's like now we're in tutus and we're jumping and we're jumping and now there's birds and now and a pot of duh. And I'm like, all right, I don't. Fuck this. I don't know what is happening right now.

Because I don't like. Things that make me feel really stupid. And ballet is one of those things that does that for me. Even Nutcracker. I've seen Nutcracker so many times that I don't even know.

And I know the story of Nutcracker. I've read the story. You can't not know the story of Nutcracker. And I still watch it and I'm like, and now there's mice. There's mice and all right, whatever.

This happens. Yeah. It happens in the real world. Yeah. I'm not good with that kind of stuff.

Well, on the weird movies, I guess I can round out and kind of lead into our next episode. So I'll do our little teaser here, I suppose. I may call on you for a special thing here, so hang on a second. Okay. Okay, kids, get out your decoder bins.

Okay, now do you do a fanfare? This is the response everybody has. I kind of like to have this. No judgment. So we'll insert that in here now.

Set your pins to B2. Here is the message. Oh, it is time for the Movie Meltdown Secret Circle reveal of the next exciting feature. This one, if you like your what-the-fuck movies, this one, I'll say it, and I'll see if you're familiar with the title. If not, you need to go find it.

Zardoz. Not ringing a bell. Be thankful, Ben. Okay, imagine it's a probably mid-' 70s Sean Connery Already past Bond, getting a little older, in a diaper. Shirtless most of the movie in a diaper.

Thigh-high leather boots with a long ponytail. And there we go. We got the visual right there. So, yeah. Would you want to watch that?

I don't know. I just saw the photo. I'm going to go ahead and say no thank you. Yeah, there's just giant stone heads floating around and people having sex, and it's epic. So it's got high points in it, at least.

I guess. I watched the trailer last night, and I'm just like, man, I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I kind of do, but I'm just like, this will. Be epic one way or another. We're doing another little crossover with Baxter Avenue Theater.

So, yeah, we should have quite the take on Zardoz next week. So you, you know... you should probably go track it down and watch it. And you. Call in with your thoughts and let us know. I might, it'll just be, I'm not going to, I'm not going to commit myself to anything, but if I have time, I will definitely check out that movie.

This is a, this is a big stick and move week. Sorry, go ahead. No problem. I was getting back to you at this point anyway. So yeah.

Um, if nothing else, wanted to say thank you to you for sitting in and co-hosting this week. And, uh, Definitely go check out the CD. Princess is on Amazon and iTunes, if anywhere else. Google Play, and then if it's not now, it will be on all the other places you think, like Sirius and Pandora and Spotify and all that shit. And I guess they still make those shiny discs.

I don't know. Whatever. Yeah, I sell those. I have them. You can get those on Amazon.

I think Amazon is the only one that sells the actual hard CD. Yeah. And then you said is the best place to get a hold of you now still Alicia Wood? Yeah, AliciaWood.com. And I have a mailing list that I'm starting to reactivate because Facebook has now removed my ability for me to communicate with my people.

That's nice. Yeah, that's the whole reason I sent everybody to Facebook was because it was a very easy way to communicate with everyone. And now, like my CD is out. I think there's about 1,250 is roughly what I've got in my group page. And only 100 or 200 of them are aware that my CD has been released.

And I can't. And I don't want to drive them nuts because then I'm just beating the hundred people that do know over the head with it. So I had to open the mailing list back up. But it has– if this doesn't tell you that I'm neurotic and have low self-esteem, I don't know what does. But there's varying levels of commitment that you can make to my mailing list, whether you just want to know if I'm coming back to town to do a show or you want to know everything that I'm doing or you only want to know if it's a really big deal.

This is nice. Yeah. So that's what I have is that I'm starting that back up. Invested a lot in this mailing list. Yeah.

And it's got about 12 people in it right now that I'm– I know it's not true. I'd say it's probably got about 50 people that are, you know, also people that are in my group page on Facebook. But other than that, it's all like people I went to high school with and, you know, stuff like that because I'm trying to start over. So, yeah. So join the mailing list and rate it five stars and all that stuff.

There you go. Yeah. So definitely go check it out. And you're touring around quite a bit. So go find her in your town and go check out the live shows.

Yeah. If you go to the website, all that stuff's there. Yeah. It's the schedule and everything. And it's current currently.

Cool. Sounds good. Thanks again for sitting in with us. Yeah, thanks for having me. Otherwise, that about does it.

We will return next week. Same geek time, same geek feed. Thanks for listening. We got a lot of sharks out there trying to take a bite of something. What's hot?

A lot of chameleons out there trying to change up. Anytime something new comes along, everybody. Wants a bite. Don't happen overnight. So you want to be a rock superstar and live large?

Big house, five cars, you're in charge. Coming up in the world, don't trust nobody. Got to look over your shoulder constantly. I remember the days when I was a young kid growing up, looking in the mirror, dreaming about growing up. The rock crowd make money, chew up the honey, sign autographs, and whatever the people want from me.

Shit's funny how impossible dreams manifest in the games that we come in with it. Hopefully it don't manifest, but the wrong guy, egomaniac in the brainiac, don't know how to act, 60, 48, track studio, gangsta, max, signed a deal, thinks he's gonna make a meal, but never will, till he crosses over steel, filling your head with fantasies, come with me, show the sacrifice it takes to make the cheese, you wanna be a rock superstar? Outro Music people see rockstar you know i'm saying but you still trying to get. Out and work like like everybody else you. Know you know it's a fun job but it's still a job you know save.

Your money man save your money. Too it's single don't last very long you know i'm saying. I mean Been lucky in this game, too. There's going to be another cat coming out looking like me and sounding like. Me next year.

I know this. It'll be a flip side to what you did. Somebody else trying to spin off like some, you know, series. Let me explain what happens to these stars and their big brains. First they get played like all damn day.

Long as you sell, everything will be okay. Then you get dissed by the media and fans. Things never stay the same way. That's why fools. End up dining on a bullet.

Think everything's fine in the big time. See me in my legs with the chrome ray shine. So you want to run far and live large. It ain't all that goes with being a rock star. So you want to be a rock superstar.

But only no radio or videos. Gonna show me no love. The phony. Gotta hit the road slowly. So the record gets pushed by Sony.

I'm in the middle of glory. And the press say that. My own people disown me. And the best way back is to keep your head straight. Never inflate the cranium.

You're too worried about. Them honeys at the palladium. The whole school on to the next rock superstar with no shame give him a gear and they'll be right at the game the same as the last one who came before him gang fame started getting ignored I warned him assured him this ain't easy take it from Weezy Sleazy people wanna be so cheesy they're fucking evil so you wanna. Be a. That went way longer than I thought.

That's fine. You can't just ask me. Unless it's a yes or a no question, I'll just fucking, we'll start talking about Africa. Birds. Birds.

Birds. Feeding chickens. This episode is a production of Movie Meltdown. Produced and edited by The Oddity Studios. with opening music performed by the Empires. For more on how to sponsor or support the show, email producer at moviemeltdown.com.

Talk hard!