248: Satan's Gullible Helper

Hi, this is Stephen Jeffries, and you're listening to Movie Meltdown. Oh, you're so cool, Brewster. I can't stand it. Good evening. The following feature has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America.

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Keeps that shit. You're the only one. I didn't even come up with it. I'm just enjoying it. Now it's difficult for me to not think of Posh Dave.

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We're like melding the Spice Girls and the Seven Dwarves into some horrible band. I think at one point I was old Greg. I want some baileys a little kiss you know the midget cover band maybe there could be like a midget Spice Girl tribute. Oh my god there probably is it's a scary. Thing extra Spice or I don't know extra Spice.

Well you know Spice Girls also changed the lives of many transvestites around the world I'm sure that it. Made them want to stop oh they stopped doing it I'm hanging up my tights no more. All right. We and the Spice Girls are coming to you live via digital recording from the Alley Theater. Thank you, Sterling, for bringing us here this week.

Yep, yep. To do a little intro here with a geek activity, I have something, and I wanted to throw it out there, and I want to see what your thoughts are on this idea. I'm assuming I'm the only one that's seen this. It's just come out. This week, I watched Fright Night 2, colon New Blood.

Is this a colon? I don't know if it's officially colon, because again, when you look it up, it's different. In the IMDb, it doesn't have it. On the box, it has it. I think in the end credits, it does. throws that text in there but imdb doesn't even list it as part of the title it's just fright night two okay.

So let's let's return to the basic issue which is there's a fright night. Two that's the thing up until the week before i had no idea they were even making a fright night. Two this is based on the reboot then right. Yes sort of no oh that's how this goes i assumed it was a sequel to the one that just came out recently with colin what's his face And truthfully. I didn't hate that.

Like, I'm such a fan of the original, I expected to hate the remake. Turns out it's not bad. Like, it's pretty entertaining. There's some cheesy graphics, but that was because they were trying to catch in on that 3D thing. You throw that out, and it's actually pretty well put together.

Two, I can't. Even get to the movie itself because I'm too busy being annoyed by the setup. I've never seen them within... I mean, it came out last year. This one is almost like a reboot of the reboot.

It's like they're taking the same characters, but none. Of that stuff happened. It's like we're starting over again. I've never seen this in a span of time. But again, it's not like they just said, oh, it's another Fright Night.

It's Fright Night 2. They're billing it as a sequel. But, I mean, it's halfway into the movie, and I'm like, why is he not acknowledging that this went down last year, you know? It's like, because the girlfriend's, like, mad at him, and I'm like, is this because of the, you know, you got almost. Killed by a vampire?

Like, I'm trying to piece together the continuation story. It's halfway into the movie before I realize there isn't one. They really just started from scratch and started over, but they're keeping, like, all the characters have. The same names. It's more or less the same relationship.

You've still got Charlie. You've still got the girlfriend. You've still got Evil Ed being annoying. Everybody has their place. Here's the big thing, and I swear this is probably the pitch that got this movie made.

Jerry Dandridge is spelled with a G, and it's a girl. Whoa. That's it. That's the spin on it. Which, again, when I saw that in the trailer, I went, Okay, I assumed they were trying to do the reboot of the sequel the first time around.

Because the second one, the main vampire is a girl. And it's actually the character from... No, it's a whole different character. But it's Regina Dandridge. And it's actually the sister of Chris Sarandon's character in the first one.

That's in the 80s movies. So I thought, okay, there's a girl vampire. They're just kind of doing a loose interpretation of it. Nope. They do almost the exact same story.

Like to the point of he sees in the window and this time it's a chick with another chick that he sees in the window. And then she screams and like, it's, it's set up the same, only done really badly. Like it's just, and it, and it seems rushed like everything. Like there's no time to feel any of that. Momentum that you do in the first one.

And, and no, like the, the fact that everybody sort of doesn't believe it, like immediately it just goes right down the next scene and they move on. And like, there's nothing to it really. It just seems so rushed and thrown together, which it was when you're making this sequel straight to DVD movie. But I don't know. I was like, why have you ever heard of anything like that?

And why the hell? I mean, I guess just the cash grab on the name is the only reason. But I mean, the real reason is they set the whole thing. This is the only difference aside from the girl vampire. It's in Romania.

Yeah. And I'm like, well, the reason it's set in Romania is because it's cheap to shoot in Romania. It costs about $ 12. Yeah, it's cheap to shoot in Romania. So, I don't know.

What are your thoughts on this idea? You don't have to see the movie. Just that blows your mind. I thought they really were doing a part two, though. I thought they really were in talks of doing a second one.

Wouldn't you think they would? I mean, it made pretty decent money. I want to say I read that recently that it was still happening. It's a count already. So, how did.

How did this straight-to-DVD nonsense come about? And Fright Night's spelled exactly the same. No silences. It's not spelled with a P-H. It's this whole, you know, reboot, sequel, rehash, industrial thing run amok.

Oh, yeah. My God, we'll just throw it on video. Mm-hmm. Now, and forget about promoting it. Forget about letting anybody know this exists.

What's the point in any of that stuff? Yeah. The whole red box getting out a knockoff before the original comes out thing is almost sickening. The characters almost look like, especially with the animated stuff. I remember the brave.

Yeah, they'll have the little girl with the red hair. Yeah, I mean, it's... It's ridiculous now. It's all designed so that. Back in the.

Day, that's what Kmart's video section was for. It's designed so that Grandma thinks it's the one that the kid gets. That kid loves the Fright Night movies. That's why I've still said for the longest time, if Lucas put out the. Star Wars Christmas special.

You'd sell them. Every grandma that has a grandchild that's in the Star Wars would buy that. Why not get the cash for it? People see it anyway. People know you made it.

They're going to search for it. Just make the money off of it. Exactly. I don't know. That's the thing.

I couldn't even get to the movie itself to be like, I mean, it's not great. As I said, it just seems thrown together, but I'm just like, I couldn't even get to the point of making a real judgment on it because I sat there half the time going, wait, why the hell are you not talking about this shit that just happened? Because you've got a two on the end. Obviously, it's a continuation of the story, or why wouldn't you just say Fright Night colon, give it another title, put new characters in there. I don't even care.

If you want to do a bad, make it a series. Make it like the American Pie series kind of thing. Just do another vampire movie every year with Fright Night slapped on the front. I wouldn't like that, but I can understand it. It makes sense.

Maybe having a two on it doesn't necessarily make it a sequel it's like I've got two pairs of black jeans and you know here's one pair and here's the second one they're both kind of. The same or maybe it's T-O-O see if it was. If they went the teen wolf route I'd be okay with it I'd be like well they. Got a point maybe it's like Lucio Fulci's Zombie 2 maybe that's it. They released it in Romania and it made sense but here I don't know It was just really frustrating.

I think they're still crediting Tom Holland as like a characters, but like, yeah, they've just turned it over to people who don't give her access now. And it's really, that's the thing. I wouldn't even care if it was a reboot of the second one or something, or even a whole new story. I just don't understand the keeping the same characters and not acknowledging the last movie. It just doesn't make any sense.

Very strange. It's groundhog day. Frighten at your groundhog day. I guess. That's kind of, I mean, really, it's like they just start over again like it never happened.

And it kicks off with Sonny and Cher. It was the strangest thing ever. All right. I say with that, we take a break and come back with this week's movie. The Fortune Queen of New Orleans is brushing her cat in her place.

On the back seat were scratches from the marks of men, her fortune she had won. Couldn't see through the tinted glass. She said, home James, he hit the gas. I followed her to some darkened room. Took my money, she said, I'll be waiting.

She told me more about me. Than I knew myself. She dealt two cards, a queen and a three, and mumbled some words that were so strange to me. Submit it, folks. Yes, that's all it takes to get our refreshment counter in the lobby.

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Get one at our confection counter in the lobby now. Dr. Satan and his shrieks in the night. If you think you've seen horror shows before, we warn you, this new kind of show is completely unlike anything you have ever seen. The action takes place in the audience.

You'll be surrounded by the most hideous horde of horror creatures ever to walk on the earth. You'll see, back from their graves, fiendish vampires who drink human blood. living corpses, werewolves, ghost women, 1001 nightmarish creatures. Girls, do you have the nerve to meet the Invisible Man? He puts his arms around you. You can't see him, but you feel his presence.

What a new thrill. Dr. Satan hypnotizes everyone in the audience, including you. You'll see the slave maidens at the mercy of hideous beasts. Human sacrifices, death on the slab.

So scary your blood will run cold. Dr. Satan has appeared in person with and startled George Goble, Donald O'Connor, Orson Welles, Jack Bailey, Art. Baker, and many others. Ed Johnson of the New York News wrote, At long last, I have seen a horror show even scarier than advertised.

A horror show strictly in a class by itself. Give it thrills you want, thrills you'll get, when you see Dr. Satan's shrieks in the night. I probably wouldn't want another lame, terrible, and he's going to be like, Guys, we. Have a new one.

I don't know why David hasn't sent it. He doesn't like your show, and he's trying to sabotage. Yeah. Yeah, true. If you send it over, I'll play it.

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It's time for Sofa Theater. Sofa Theater. Mom, Dougie, this is Alex. Alex, our house. Want some cider?

A time of make-believe. He is going to be so scary. Dressing up like the devil is part of the game. It really is a Satan, right? For one little boy.

Where are you going? To find Satan. The devil. What's with all the Satan stuff? Well, your dad got in this video game.

Is real. Are you Satan? Can I be your helper? When he brings the devil home, his family pays the price. This could be our secret door to hell.

Mom, help me, Alex! Child's game. For this you shall die. Is about to become a terrifying reality. Both his boys!

This Halloween. Yes! The devil you know is dangerous. You're really into this, aren't you? The devil you don't know.

Don't go out there. Will kill you. Where is he? The medicine said all the dead people were dead, but he lied. I'm going after them.

Get up! Run! Satan's Little Helper. THE END. All right, we're back.

And it is time to get into this week's sofa theater feature. This week's movie of choice is Satan's Little Helper. Why did you sigh at the beginning of that? Because it's such a wonderful movie. I didn't have any choice.

There was no choice involved. The year is 2004. The director, Jeb Lieberman. Which was the scariest part of this. The plot, according to IMDb, it's very succinct, but yet accurate.

A naive young boy unknowingly becomes the pawn of a serial killer. They got a point. Spoiler alert. This is a cinema classic, and we do not want to ruin it for you. There are some big twists along the way.

You better go watch it for yourself. Suckers. Yeah, stop it now. Stop the show now. Suckers.

I just want to say up front, I was a little bit disappointed because Satan's Helpers, that was the name of the bike gang in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. I thought this was going. To be about their adventure. Their own spinoff movie. Yeah.

And it wasn't. It wasn't. That would be a good movie. I was really sad about that, too. All right, so it is very Halloween themed.

It is fitting of this season that we're in. So we'll continue to chow down on this candy corn we got here. It's just me at this point. I can't stop. I have a problem.

Where would you like to begin with Santa's Little Helper? That's Bart's dog. You mean Satan's. I actually like Bart's dog better, actually. I feel like such a dork for mentioning this, but they make that joke at some point.

They take the dog to obedience school and she's like, next dog up is Satan's little helper. It's like, yeah. I saw about 15 minutes of this movie, because Dave came over before, and he's like, oh, you're watching this? And he goes, I don't know, you don't need to watch the whole thing. I said, don't bother.

And so I just basically, I skipped. I threw it out there first. I skipped every 10 minutes. And it didn't make a difference, really, actually. Well, granted, I haven't seen it in its entirety, but I got the basic.

You got the gist of it. Yeah, I got the gist of it, and I think Dave put it best. He described it as like, A bad episode of Goosebumps. Yeah. It kind of is.

You know, that's the weird thing. Are you afraid of the dark? I started watching this movie, and I'm thinking, I didn't even look it up or anything, because there it was on Amazon. I was going to watch this, and I'm thinking, well, this is probably something that you dug up from the 80s, or maybe the 90s. And for a while, it was.

I was like, okay. And I started noticing the make of the truck that Amanda Plummer's cruising in. I said, that's not that old. And I look. It's 2004.

But it looks like early 90s. And it's competently shot on what seems to be video, like a Goosebumps show would be. I mean, there's a professional crew and the lighting and everything's there. But then listen to. The music, man.

It's like 1987 score on a 1990 video production that got made in 2004. So it was just so weird to watch this thing. And there's Amanda Plummer, who's, you know, Pretty legit actress I like a lot. I think she was high the entire movie. I mean, she talked about being high.

She's very high-strung. She's always got a weird vibe to her performances. I didn't like her. She's slumming in this one. She's not likable in anything.

She's good if you cast her in the right role, but she's never really a likable character. She was fun in So I Married an Axe Murderer. Well, yeah, where she was the axe murderer. Excuse me, spoilers. Ah, no.

But seriously, though, she had some of that same vibe, though, of just ultra high, strong. I kept thinking while she was trying to do stuff for the boyfriend who came over and be a good... I kept thinking of the scene with her and Mike Myers where she's like, Oh, you sure you don't want me to make you breakfast? Like silver dollar pancakes and sausages and all this other stuff. And then she winds up just pouring him a bowl of cereal and watching him while he eats it.

Like that was the vibe I got from her the entire time. She was, it really threw me off. She was, like there was bad acting in it. There was plenty of bad acting. But she, probably the most experienced person of the cast, was probably the worst.

Person in the cast. And she was just inappropriately loud sometimes and or inappropriately she has no concept of what she was supposed to be doing and i'm this is a nitpicky point because it's there's plenty to be mad at about this film um especially because there's parts of i mean this writer the writer director no should know what he's doing by now um and and obviously doesn't or is on drugs himself. So... He took too much blue sunshine. Yeah.

Speaking of nitpicking in the cast, I... Okay, we see Amanda Plummer, we see her son, we see the husband. Mm-hmm. I don't see how this gene pool created the hot blonde girl. How does this family actually exist?

The husband seemed a little too young. For her in the first place. Well, first of all, I don't think the mother or father were Jewish, but the kid was clearly a Jewish kid. Oh, man, did he not look like Ben Stein? He had a bit of that Christmas story vibe going on, like the Ralphie business.

Well, the whole thing, too, is like the kid, when you first hear him delivering his dialogue... You can tell it's an adult's dialogue. It's like the kids don't... For me, it was just rubbing me the wrong way. That's how an adult thinks kids talk versus that's how kids talk sort of thing.

But at the same time, this kid seemed really intelligent and just very well-spoken, but yet he doesn't realize he's hanging out with a serial killer. There's a big question in this film. It rests on that whole issue of gullibility, just how gullible... Like, exactly how many times does the silent masked person have to paw at the blonde girl before she realizes, hey, this doesn't feel quite like my boyfriend. But no, he was in character.

He was. He's an actor. You should understand. Yeah, well, about that. I love that I brought up that they're in acting school.

Yeah, yeah, no, no. That was fun for you, right, Sterling? That was fun. Oh, yeah. I also love the fact that he looked like he steps out of, like, again, it looked like he was from, like, the early 90s with his, like, with his, like... little hat and his long grungy hair and everything um and it was great i was like oh man it's about time i saw a hero like that guy again like the skinny white dude i'm gonna save the day but um with dad issues needless to say but i don't know this films like this the interesting thing to me watching them is is your brain slips into that mode where you kind of wind up tuning out or maybe this is just me and you guys are different but you kind of wind up tuning out the gross problems with the film and like the huge faults.

And you start saying things like, well, that was nicely done. Or, oh, that was a well-delivered line. Or, you know, this is actually a really creepy little, like you start finding these little bits that you actually want to try to be fair. Yeah. I really just expected it to be so much worse.

My expectations were extremely low. So I liked, I thought this movie was an enjoyable watch. Sorry. Well, I was going to say, I'm kind of with you halfway, Marlena. Like, halfway in, it was so dumb, I was kind of having fun with it.

Like, it is like, it's one of those, they're just like, it's so preposterous the way things are going down that I'm entertained. And maybe it's along the same lines as watching Goosebumps. Like, those are kind of fun, too. Well, I mean, yeah, you have the main villain is basically, like, he's not. The description lists him as a serial killer, but really he's like a supervillain.

Like, he's strong enough to throw a grown man through a window. He kills cops easily. Well, ever since Halloween came out, all masked killers have to be Mike Myers. Well, but this guy is like, I mean, he's kind of unbelievably, I mean, the thing is he's never given a supernatural origin. Like, we're allowed to... to sort of hint at one towards the end, but really, there's no explanation given.

He's just a guy who seems to be able to kill everyone. You know, I liked that aspect. I like that we have no introduction to him except we come into the scene and he's killing somebody. And it's pretty early in. It's like, I looked at it, it's like 11 minutes in.

He's dragging a body out in bright daylight. And I'm like. I liked the absurdity of that. I liked where it was going at that point. It goes horribly wrong, but I liked the concept.

When they're at the party and she's wrapped up in tape and no one seems to have noticed that she's being held hostage. And he takes up a whole thing of Drano and just pours it straight into the. I wonder how the fine people at Drano thought about, hey, that's product placement. Oh no bad product well and then change the title just a little well and then everyone walks up and starts drinking it's like oh that's terrible and continues drinking it like. You know that's most punches there's a kind of there's a kind of cartoon quality to it by the end where you just abandoned any sort of any sort of expectation of realism and that's actually one of the way like that's another thing that sort of jumped out at me that i actually kind of liked once i accepted that I actually really found myself really liking the silent acting the guy was doing like the thumbs up that he would give I know I love that the.

Masks smile like every time he would do the double thumb up with that smile. This guy like there was something really cheesy but at the same and it stopped being scary at a certain point but then it became a little creepy again. I was very disappointed that it actually was a mask. I was kind of hoping... It wouldn't be, like, sure, it looked like a mask, but it wasn't.

I don't know. Because whenever you put on the Jesus suit, it just wasn't the same. Oh, I had fun with the Jesus suit. See, I think that's what took it over the edge. I thought that part was hilarious.

I thought that the kids still, after everything. He's like, oh, Jesus is going to show up in a Jesus mask, and I'm going to. Well, you have to keep in mind, Dougie's dumb as a rock. He's well-spoken, but dumb as a rock. Dougie's disturbed.

Oh, massively. I blame his mom. His mom's also disturbed. Yeah, I'll make you a little devil suit. Yeah, you can do that.

It's fine. And initially, there's like a bit where I was actually, I think this is just poor acting on Dougie's part, but like the scene where he first like, sees his dad getting ripped open in front of him, I thought he was laughing. I was just like, dude, when are you going to realize? Keep in mind, because I was sitting there going, man, this kid is not very good. He's made one other movie in his career.

Around that actually I think it was that same year and it's a Todd Solans movie so that puts it Todd Solans puts it all in perspective. I'm going to pick up Jenna at the ferry she came home to spend Halloween with her brother is that true. Love or what? Jenna's my girlfriend I'm going to marry her says he's gonna marry her yeah i don't think they got up to the word incest in the third grade yet you said sex i said incest and don't be so snoopy play a game she always takes dougie out on halloween she doesn't want to break the tradition. I know when jenna takes me we're gonna find seat and i'm gonna show him what a good helper i.

Am by the way i i really um and i'm the whole incest subplot. Was killing me. See, to me, that was creepier. You already get to that a minute in, and I'm just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what kind of movie? Slow down.

The thing that got me when you mentioned the dad there was, okay, from the very beginning, it's established that the kid has the hots for his hot blonde sister. Who's obviously not part of the family. And he wants to marry her, and she brings home a guy, so he wants to kill him because she's... The boyfriend is his competition. But the minute the hot blonde daughter steps into the house, the mom's wanting to dress her up as a slut.

She's spanking her on the ass when they're looking out the window. I think that the mom is the real competition and ain't the boy. And the thing is... The minute dad walks home, he gets killed. The minute he walks through the door, he gets killed.

So we don't even have time to see him fondle his daughter. But it would have happened. I mean, we've all noticed that she doesn't fit the rest of the family. So maybe really she was sort of brought in. And maybe it's okay that Dougie has the hot tub.

No, no, no. In that case, it's okay. It's more not okay, because what we're talking about is not... What we're talking about is an adopted child who then is adopted into a molester family. Oh, yeah.

Proceeds to regularly. You will wear this slut costume. Is that any clearer than everything else in this movie? It's notable also that when she's first dressing up, she's like, well... but I don't want him to see me this way. Like, like she is so innocent acting.

The thing is, she's not bad. And you, and it goes to show because she went on to have a real career. Like she's in a ton of TV work. I was watching this and I was just like, her acting isn't great in this movie, but she's very pretty. And it's, there's a lot of room for improvement.

She's got potential because that's the other one I was like Alex is horrible he's in one other film at the time disappears so it's like you can see the two. People that have a career are the ones that have. Some acting skills they're not necessarily using it in this movie but those two have like an actual career and the other people are just really bad. Actors one part I did like is Alex's father. He's really gross.

Like, you know, he's got the younger girlfriend. That was an unexpected scene. Yeah, he has that look about him. Yeah, we had to work in some nudity. If you were like a director and like, I've got to find somebody creepy, that guy.

And he does a good job of being that. He could be a business man, but he's also just gross. And I think that was a pretty good job. And the guy does a good job of being gross. Yeah.

I'm just looking for highlights. I feel like with the kid, they should have... I mean, he should have been full-on clueless and stupid. He was obviously disconnected. I don't think he was a sociopath, really, per se.

But there's something. He was just like... He wasn't fully developed. Children at a very small age know the difference between extremely right and extremely... Like, a two-year-old knows that murder is wrong.

It's almost like an autism that he has. Yeah, yeah. That's why I blame his mom. Because she was like, oh yeah, Satan's real. It's okay.

Well, and the fact that she doesn't have any problems with this video game as he's sitting back there going, tearing. The guts out. This is awesome. I'm like. isn't every. Other parent in the world going you can't play that i know i was like she's way.

It almost felt like a propaganda piece to me like good good especially when he started to pray because i didn't know how it was going to end in i was like oh my gosh if jesus comes and saves him now this is definitely propaganda because i just felt like it was almost like playing up that media fear on video games it's like oh look here's an innocent little kid playing a game and We're going to make it to Devil and be pretty literal about it. But look, he's emulating the game. And I'm making coins. Because of the video game. I was like, this ends with a happy ending because he's turning to Jesus now.

Oh, my gosh. I almost felt like they could have put any video game in front of him. Like, if it had been a Jesus-themed video game, he would have been, ah. And, like, they could have put, like, in, I don't know, Obama video game, and he'd be. Like, I love the health care.

Well, no, like, and look at, I also love the fact that the video game is, like, a flash animation being played on what looks to be, like, a digital phone or something. It's got its own little unit. At first I thought he was on a cell phone, but no, he's on, like, his own little. Like, camera. Yeah exactly it's like it's like the guy's like hitting some buttons on the narrow edge and i'm like dude you're playing on a camera they weren't that high tech in this i don't know if you know no no but again it adds to the to the era confusion of all these like people from the 90s listening to music from the 80s and well they.

Are on this isolated island maybe it takes. Okay okay let's let's let's stop hypothesizing as to. Why it was poorly written um supposedly on by the. Way somewhere in Maine that's the different thing it is Maine and everything is weird. There sorry Maine they only order their video games from Indonesia and they're all weirdly designed.

People in Maine know that everybody in Maine is weird the people that I know from Maine are weird and then they'll say yeah we're different. But we're not Nova Scotia is what they'll tell you at least we're not but let's look at the kids actions real quick though it's like okay so he wants the boyfriend's guts to be spilled out like he's very adamant about this he wants to sleep with his sister marry her specifically but I feel like. There's more I seem to recall there was more sexual more sexually like. He seems sort of out of it though because even as she like becomes more sexualized he doesn't seem to get into that at all. Well because then he's by then he's focused on killing the boyfriend like like that seems to be more of a big deal to him and then to combine that with the fact that he sees all these murderers and it doesn't really affect him but and this is the real killer for me is that he's he's talking to satan or whoever this guy is supposed to be and they're doing this whole who's on first routine of like Satan makes the vaguest hand gestures and nods up and down.

And then the kid winds up interpreting elaborate justifications for his actions. You want me to watch? At the drop of a hat. Like, oh, you want me to stand guard and watch while you go, you know, go stick his head in a blender? And, like, he immediately on the spot has these enormous, like, well-developed fantasies of, like, what Satan anticipates.

And, like, you get the impression that the guy in the suit is like, Yeah, sure. Yeah, that's the answer. And he goes off and. Does his thing. Candy's over that way, master.

Is all that stuff to tape people up, kill them, and spill. Their guts out? Awesome! But not my mom and sister. Even in pretend.

You have to promise. Okay, well, I didn't get something. Like, you know, he keeps telling Satan he wants Satan to rip out the boyfriend's guts and all that. But then when Satan rips out his dad's guts, which he had asked for, then he's like, I thought it was a game. I didn't think it was real.

Dude, what was. So it's just called really, really poor writing. Yeah, it's just that's and it shows what like either how badly he's written or how crazy he is that he definitely wants the boyfriend's guts ripped out. He has no concept of right and wrong as they're mowing down. people right and left in the cart and just like violently killing people along the way but he makes the point very specifically not my mom not my sister So he knows there's actions and consequences. He does understand.

He's not totally ignorant. But then he totally falls. He didn't say, not my. Dad, though. He didn't say, not my dad.

But that's the thing. It's not like he's just completely clueless. He doesn't know what's going on. He makes that distinction and says, not my sister, not my mom. Well, that just makes it horribly wrong now.

But then whenever Dad's killed, it's like, I thought it was a game. Oops, I forgot to add Dad to the list. No, no, no. And finally, Jesus shows up. Sorry, a guy in a creepy-ass Jesus mask who looms over him, and he is instantly rapturous.

Well, he had a hold on it. He had the stigmata. That's the best. Yeah, and he's like, look, look, it's his blood. And it's like, dude.

That's how you know it's real Jesus. Oh, God. Real Jesus really bleeds. Yeah. It's in the Bible.

Well, that's what I don't understand is he has no respect for God or Jesus, but he instantly starts praying. And he instantly believes in, you know, Jesus is going to help him. Wait, this whole movie, you want to be, I was going to watch out for God and make sure he didn't show up. Now all of a sudden you, yeah, it doesn't. Isn't that how most people operate?

That's probably modern. I don't want religion until it can help me. I think the problem is we've probably discussed this film more than the writers did. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, this is a much more intensive meeting than they ever had when they were originally conceiving of this plot.

Well we got an island and we. Have this guy well I was going to say what I think we'll figure it out once we start shooting it'll all. Come together in the editing too the point is we found this costume at a yarn bar. Look how creepy this mask is let's make a movie this doesn't make. Sense well it'll come out in the editing but yeah this film though again I just want to there's the goosebumps cartoony nature of it I will say one disappointment That actually does stick out for me.

Like, cause again, like after the process of like blacking out all the, all the terrible stuff that you have to kind of ignore to enjoy the film, the fact that in the end, the villain kind of wins and they go for that creepy, Oh, we're all going to die anyway. There's no way to escape him sort of thing that actually kind of bummed me out. Cause by the end, when, like she's dressed up as a chicken and he's dressed up as like a frog and they're going to like infiltrate the, the, the Halloween party in the castle to go save the mom from the cereal. Like at that point I was like, okay, this is like a cartoon show. Like, you know, and, and I was totally ready for like a heroic ending of some kind.

I felt like I actually did feel a little robbed. No, that's the whole tone of the movie. And that's what closure is. So like, it's so uneven because you'll go into it and I swear, like, Before he starts dragging the body out, I'm like, it feels like a made-for-ABC family movie. Like, it feels exactly like it's made for TV, fun.

With incest. Not even as creepy as Goosebumps. ABC, yeah. ABC family. It seems very PC, happy little town kind of bullshit.

And then he starts dragging the dead body out. And then the sister starts, you know, like... Then they throw in, like, random nudity and, like, all the other weird stuff along the way. Oh, hanging the old lady. Hanging the old lady.

Killing the cat. Killing the cat. Massively. That's the one I had a problem with, of course. I'm just really glad Lucy wasn't here for this episode.

She would have been... She would have. Loved the cat scene. Oh, and then they ask him to pose, and he's all like... That was kind of funny.

That was a moment where I was like, okay, I'm starting to like this guy. And that was product placement, too, because the little girl was dressed as Wendy from Wendy's. I'm pretty sure there was nothing of actual product placement. There would have nothing to do with it. But that's the thing.

It's got that weird, like, made for ABC family, but they didn't check it at the censors. So it's like they. Just put in whatever the hell they wanted and then let it go. And I'm just like, this tone is so uneven. So I actually kind of like that ending, but it doesn't match the movie.

Like, you're right. Like, that middle part, which I think that castle thing is where, like, if it goes off the rails more than it did from the beginning, that's where it all goes wrong. Oh, the transvestite... car parkers or whatever. Who somehow seemed so appropriate in that film. I was like, these guys are good.

Why aren't they in the movie more? My favorite part about that is. When Alex or whatever, the boyfriend is going through the party and there's one girl he bumps into and she's like, stop it, asshole. Watch it, asshole. And I was like, oh, she had a speaking part.

Must be the producer's daughter. Yeah. But no, yeah, actually, I was watching. I was like, yeah, man, the trends. the transvestite valets at a big, at a big fancy party where there are a bunch of murders about to take place. Like that sounds like a movie.

I kind of want to see like there were little bits and pieces in there. That's the thing. Like to me, it has a piece of it that I really like. And that's what I wish they would have gone with. And they are way the hell off in left field.

But yeah, I like that 11 minutes in when he's dragging the body out, I'm like, okay, if this is where we're going, this has promise. I like the idea of them working in, how much can you get away with on Halloween? I mean, everybody's heard the urban legend of, and then their neighbor hung himself, and they didn't know it all day because they thought it was a fake dummy. Everybody's got those weird stories in their neighborhood. I know someone who tells it, and it happened across the street.

Who the hell knows? Everybody has those weird stories. What's the weird story in your neighborhood? They hung themselves across the street and nobody knew it because it was Halloween it's my sister's neighborhood and a guy across the street hung himself dear me But again, he did kill himself. I don't know what the real story is.

That's the way it is told now because it's urban legend. At least if you're going to kill yourself, make yourself an urban legend. Yeah, I guess so. That's always been my philosophy. Tears in the throat.

But that, I think, would have been interesting if you get to that point of him just going from house to house and doing horrible things. Because we don't even get like the cop end of it like later you kind of hear sirens go by like we almost need like that weird Let people out of. Prison is that what that little squad was I Because it showed those two or three guys running around doing stuff. And I was like, are they with him? Like he set the police station on fire.

And that's how you know it was the arsonist. That was the lamest anarchy I've ever seen. Five guys in masks running around. There's only five. Cops in the town and three of them are dead.

If it's a small town thing, you think you'd get a bunch of them behind. The idea, because that's what I always love on the old William Shatner Kingdom of the Spiders. There's that whole scene where it's like, yeah, when they back out and you see the view from the top of the cherry picker, you can see that it's like mass pandemonium confined to like. Half a block. But when you're in the thick of it, you can tell that basically they got everyone in this desert town, even though it was only like 200 people and they could fit in a really confined area.

It's like they got the whole town and they all put the fake spiders on them. But there's no love in that. Yeah, I think that idea has potential. I think we've already kind of had somebody do that and do a massively better job because to me that's kind of what they're playing with in Trick or Treat. Exactly.

This is a movie that's only three years later and it's such an incredible film. Yeah, it's so well put together and you see that whole opening with the little masked character. That's exactly what they're doing there. And Trick or Treat was awesome. We were talking about it earlier about how it is like The best film for capturing just the essence and atmosphere of Halloween night.

That out-of-control strangeness of the evening. Or all the. Urban legends and what we were talking about on the last episode with why you should check your candy. All that stuff. They just worked it in so perfectly into that.

Well, that movie is also interesting to put against this one because it does so many things that the film shouldn't be able to pull off. It manages to go into all these realms of excess. And it manages to subvert itself constantly and keep you guessing. And yet at no point do you ever really feel like that film betrays itself or cheats or goes off the rails. And is massively complicated and loops back around on itself.

Where this one's streamlined and they still can't even get it. And just basic trick-or-treat is so much better with lighting than this was. I mean, I appreciate how... clear everything is in this, but it's, it's just, well. It's like it was shot by a television crew. Yeah.

It rides that line. Very atmospheric movie. Yeah. We've, we've, we've, uh, we've seen films that are, that are terribly shot. Yeah.

And look amateurish. And we've seen films that are really professional. It's like, This, to me, was actually almost the most perfect example of right dead center in the middle. Like, every shot was well lit. It's competently made, but not well made.

Well, that's the thing. Like, you had everyone was well lit. You saw all their faces. Their eyes were in the right places. You had some decent angled shots that weren't, like, pointless.

Like, you know, in some old B-movies where you suddenly veer out into the woods and you're seeing them from a distance. But uh but at the same time yeah there was no dramatic shadow work there was no interestingly framed shots like pretty much the only interesting things to see were well was that guy in his costume you. Know i mean it was very much tv like it feels like a just slapped together tv show They don't do any interesting angles. They don't do camera work. They just get them lit and put it in there.

Interesting in that respect, though. I kept saying that. I was like, well, I can't fault the camera work. But I can't say what it's missing that would make it great. I think it would be interesting to do one like that.

To be like, everything's in the light of day. Everything is out in the open and he's getting away with it. Again, I think there's a way to make that interesting. They don't do it. But I think it's an interesting concept.

I liked. Like when they walked out, because I was like, as they were in the store buying the stuff, and they weren't buying it, you know, I was like, how's he going to pay for this? He's clearly not. Going to pay. He's safe.

He just walked out, and I was like, I'm really liking this part. Yeah. He doesn't give a shit, and the guy chases, because that's how it would be. The clerk would be like. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, like there is a minute of, you're not just walking out, right? Like, you would sit there and be like, guess I'm going to go chase this guy down? Yeah, that scene was actually really realistic. Yeah. Like, you see him like, follow for a second like with a quizzical look on his face like oh you do yeah like um.

And you could get away with that probably just go in take the stuff walk out and most times they're not going to be able to even touch. You well and and and you know you get the impression that. Let's try it tonight you get. The impression the clerk might try to razzle him a bit you know or something but then of course he's got the kitchen knife and it's all done But, yeah, no, and that's immediately when it goes off and you sort of see how ridiculous this character has become. Like, when he starts, like, pushing the kid around in the cart, knocking over, like, a woman with a baby character.

A pregnant woman. A pregnant woman. Blind guy, 50 points. Like, why are all these, like, crippled or, like. Because they're worth more points.

I was going to say, why is this random assortment of people in this parking lot at once? Because you get the most points. Have you ever been to a Walmart parking lot? Old people and babies is the way to go in depth race, man. There is a couple things I didn't really understand.

First of all, up front, the very beginning. The hot daughter. Is coming home from college for Halloween. Do colleges have Halloween breaks? No.

No. Sure they do. Because at first I was like, well, maybe she just is taking some time off to come because she said that her little brother really likes Halloween. But her boyfriend is coming too because he had Halloween off too. So it's like the whole college.

Has a Halloween break. There's a fall break usually around Halloween. Especially around Thanksgiving. They didn't say how far away. I thought maybe they just left for the weekend.

I would have... If I were him... and that were her, I'd have said, yeah, sure, I'm going to go home with you. Because a few minutes in, I'm like, okay, they do another shot of Alex, a really well-lit shot of Alex. I was like, okay, dude, no. This is not happening.

In the real world, she is so far out of your league. But they made the whole point about he's from that island, and somehow they've never met on the island. There's 12 people on the island. But he. But he has got to come home because it's break and he can't stay at school and he doesn't want to stay at his father's house.

That's a story. I can't do that either. And some of those great lines of dialogue. Oh, so you're going to dress up like Satan for my little brother? He says, well...

I lived with Satan for years. Oh, my God. The fact that that's his costume, that he takes it that far to go and try to dress up like his dad. And then walk around. Telling people he's Satan.

I'm like, nobody gets this reference but you, genius. Settle down. But he's a method actor. You are a terrible actor. But she keeps saying he's such a good actor.

But method acting is what killed everyone in it because she doesn't become a slut until she puts on the costume. It's like, I'm embodying the character. With that fantastic accent. She starts talking. She pushes up her boobs.

That's bizarre. Actually, okay, before she starts getting super sexual in the mirror, that, like, 30 seconds beforehand where she just silently stares at herself was one of the most confusing things. Like, her look at. Herself in the mirror is so... I swear I haven't seen one like that.

Like a shot like that outside of a body switching. The costume was giving power. Like she was looking like she didn't recognize who the person. Was in the mirror. It was like she's never seen her midriff before.

I was just like, what the hell is going on here? I don't know. I was really confused by her Scottish Cockney accent. Oh, right. I was like, is that how people talk at Renaissance fairs?

Because I don't think so. She's just an actress. You won't understand unless you're really a good actress like her and Alex. Yeah. Either that was because I kind of gave them points thinking, oh, okay, she's a bad actress at acting school.

And she thinks she's good. And so the actress is acting like a bad act. You know, that's what I was hoping. So maybe she is a great actress. She's just really good at playing a bad act.

Right. An actress playing someone who's bad. That's what I'm giving them credit for, but it's not really what's there. Okay, something else I really didn't follow. One of the... emotional hearts of the film was, of course, the boyfriend, Alex, and his antagonistic relationship with his father, who beats him and strikes him.

You get the scene where Alex is convinced that his dad is somehow in the Satan outfit, and it must be his dad. He confronts him on the sidewalk. He points a gun to him. Satan takes the gun from him, shoots his own hand, and gives it back to Alex. Alex is somehow convinced that Satan.

Who he thinks is his father, his father shooting himself in the hand is somehow an insult to Alex. I did not follow that. That's how you know that boy has issues. But how does that, can anyone explain? I think it's the, you can't even kill me.

I can injure myself. You can't do a goddamn thing because you're my loser ass son. If my dad had done it, I'd have been like, wait a minute, come back and explain this to me. Why should I feel angsty about this? They had to get to the stigmatism.

And show that he's a crazy person. They do that stuff to themselves all the time. How is he going to hold his candy after that? They bring up that point. I think online they listed that in the fight with Alex, his hand is not hurt at all.

And then later he's like. Oh, look, I injured it. Yeah, it's like when he beats the hell out of Alex later, it's like he seems to be fine. He's safe. He's Satan, I suppose.

Well, it's part of his weird supervillain powers. It's like, you know, he can shoot himself in the hand without making a sound. He can, you know. Oh, his best superpower? He can somehow sniff panties through that mask.

And also drink wine. Oh, no, no, no. You just pour it on your face. It wasn't just that he was sniffing panties. It was that he starts going down on her, and she's like. like going, oh, oh, and like, you know, rolling her eyes up in her head and stuff.

And it's like, dude, guy's just rubbing his latex mask like over your belly button. He's in character. That is the most sexual contact that is going on right now. He just barely drops out of frame so you can still see his head. I'm like, I think he's just licking your midriff.

Right. He's not really. He is rubbing his latex mask against your belly button. And she's like, oh dear, this is the most sexual contact I've ever had in my life. It probably is.

That whole island. That's the cinematic version. That it's not even in the right place i'm in the vicinity it's close enough whatever i think that's one of the reasons why i was ultimately disappointed that it was actually some guy wearing a mask and somehow the mask wasn't doing that because obviously you know he could sniff panties through through the mask he could drink alcohol it. Would have been more interesting had they just that would have been really how satan looks. And then you know you don't really see any like eye holes but they're at this huge party and across the room you know satan waves at the hot girl points down to her shoes he can see across the room through all these people through his mask that she's wearing high heels and he points it out to her.

Yeah wearing high heels after she had been running to the party And somehow we're expected to also believe that, oh, by the way, I recognize the shoes that you were wearing with your slut dress earlier. Chickens don't wear high heels. What, are you crazy? Back when I was wearing my Darth Vader mask when I was seven, I couldn't see crap. And that had eye holes cut in it.

And he could see crap. And oddly enough, also wearing high heels. Yeah. I couldn't really smell panties either through that dress. Man, did you try.

Did you, super hot sister? That's inappropriate. Wow. Right there. Nope, I'm sending that to your sister.

Anyway, so... I'm going to marry her someday. Special message to you from Ben. Mom, is Satan real? Oh, hold on.

Yay! I have to put my computer headset on hold. Yeah, the headset. That was like she works at a call center or something. Oh, my God.

That wasn't even Bluetooth. That was just some kind of. It was like green. And he asks something like, hey, what's this or something? She's like, play your game.

Mind your business. She's sitting there talking on the phone right next to the kid. Great parenting. Yeah. The mom that says, I'm so high right now, right in front of her kid.

That's fine parenting right there. I just wonder how the video game portrayed hell. Because he was all excited. Is hell real? It is?

Yay! Yay, the whole world's kind of like a knockoff paperboy. All right! The odd thing is, the kid. Acknowledged that God was real and God was more powerful than Satan because he actually asked Satan, are you hiding from God?

So the boy knows that God is more powerful than Satan and yet he wants to be friends with Satan. He's on the losing team. What the hell? And not the more powerful thing. See, what we're failing to realize is that this was a beautiful underdog story.

He's really awesome. God was the bully and Satan's the hero. It's just like the kids on the bike bullying the little kid. Exactly. That's how Satan tells the story.

Well, God thought that just because he made me that he could boss me around and tell me what to do. But you know what? I don't believe in just following orders. I believe in being free. I did hear him say all that when he nodded that one time.

It was a very elaborate thing that I heard. But again, and that's part of what's terrible about that ending is because he's like subverting it by saying like, oh, he doesn't say anything because he doesn't want Satan to hear him. It's like, what? By the way, I think we knocked out Dave Posh. You're still just talking about that movie.

I can't believe you can keep talking about it. Maybe this is a movie podcast. Believe it or not, we picked this random terrible movie to watch and damn it, we're going to. like i said it's one that brian always picks these movies where it's like hey it's on netflix and afterwards we're like. Why you won't track down and watch the movies on your own because if you kind of guess. More than a day to find it.

On a somewhere like a tested well I was kind of like, look at some background on it. What's the public opinion of this? I've heard of it well before this. Film festivals loved it, and everyone was waiting for an official release. That's depressing.

That's just depressing. Rotten Tomatoes has it in the 60s or 70s, doesn't it? It's not low. Rotten Tomatoes has it. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And people seem to be making a lot of excuses, saying, well, you know, it's satire. And I'm like, no, no, it's not clever enough to be said. I mean, that was half the reason. I was like, I do want to see it to clear up what it is and if it is really worth what everybody says. So, yeah, that was half the reason.

I'm like, all right, we can watch it. I don't know what the hell it's going to be. Now we know. Our review is in part a detailed exposition of why you shouldn't be watching this film. Right.

Yeah, with any luck, it should last as long as the film itself. It's more of a support group. You should have already watched it. I told them that at the beginning. Fair enough, yeah.

But I don't know. I think you can go ahead and watch it, but watch it about the length of a Goosebumps episode, and you're fine because it's amusing at that point. It's that halfway point. It becomes painful for me. It's not fun after the midway.

And that's actually the whole support group thing. I think had we watched this as a group, we would have found it entertaining. Like watching the room as a group. Yeah. The room is unwatchable by yourself.

Yeah. It's like so many of the movies that they do on Mystery Science Theater. Those movies, if you watched it without the comics, they're unwatchable. It's like, it's the shared misery thing that I think helps. And I really feel like this thing, you know, Most of the watching I ended up enjoying and doing was when Dave showed up and we're both kind of laughing at stuff.

I mean, it's just not bad enough for me to enjoy. If you fail on that level, you failed. Well, that's a. It's not that level of bad is the problem. It's still just too middle of the road.

So mediocre. Yeah. Yeah, like when you don't tell me it's supposed to be bad. They kind of are. I want.

I tried and I failed miserably. I like that. I love epic bad. I mean, if you can deliver that, I'm just like in awe of how bad you missed the mark. This doesn't really ever do that.

There's a kind of a weird mystique that's come up around B-movies about how bad they are and how entertainingly bad they are. Something people tend to forget is that the vast majority of B-movies are B-movies because they are just bad. They're just lame and they take too long. There's needless exposition. There's needless dialogue.

There's needless this, that, and the other. We could have cut this film down to about 30 minutes, and we wouldn't have missed anything crucial, and we actually probably would have crafted a much more entertaining episode of Goosebumps. But really, this movie, so much of it, I think, is just it's not horrifyingly, hilariously awful. It's just meh. Like, what's happening next?

Every once in a while. The moment when he goes up to his room with Satan and they're playing with action figures. I was pretty entertained with that. He's just kind of pew, pew, you know, just playing with action figures. But that's the other thing, too, is, like, whenever you have, like, some B-movie that's bad, if you can, I feel like some of those you can watch it and you can tell that the crew gave it their all for what it's worth.

It's like they knew going in, it's like, This is a shitty movie. But you know what? We're having fun. And you can watch and you can tell everybody's having a lot of fun. I didn't feel like I was getting that vibe from anyone on here.

It's like everyone's just showing up. It's like, I'm going into work for Wendy's. I get off at 10. I think the guy wearing the mask was having a good time. He's like the only one.

But everybody else felt like it was just, go in, do my shift, leave. That's the vibe I got from what I watched. To put it in perspective of using the reference that you made earlier... looking back at this director and writer's career, there's one noticeable one that jumps out. His second, actually the first feature that he did, he did a short, his second one was Squirm. Which was a mystery science theater.

And he did Blue Sunshine, didn't he? Yeah, he did Blue Sunshine. And Blue Sunshine has some fun elements though. It kind of, loses itself in the final act but still. But squirm is pretty epic bad it's it's but still it's at least got it's like again i think maybe because it's dated more that it feels a little more silly that you can kind of laugh at it where this one just feels again.

It feels like more self-dated you can't even really give them that excuse. When you kind of I was talking about Squirm. Squirm is almost enjoyable because of a cheesy factor. How old is Squirm? It's from 76.

Oh, wow. But see, you watch Squirm, and you watch Blue Sunshine, and then you watch this. This doesn't sync up at all. This feels like a complete regression compared to those. And those aren't those great of films.

But it's like he just went a huge step back. It's like watching it, and you feel like it's his first directorial effort. It's like, no, the guy's been making... movies for you know 20 or 30 years. After blue sunshine he starts doing a lot of tv work and you see like i think he just got into the watered down tv world and just went all right whatever but like somehow was still okay with writing this horribly violent scene and working in nudity and language but. Yet keeping it all on this.

Bad tv like medium that just that's all it feels like it's just a bad episode of a tv. Show wow he did he did till death do us part that's interesting Yeah. I never saw that, but I always meant to. Seems like an odd choice. I don't know.

But, I mean, that's the thing. Like, I can watch it for that first half and at least laugh at it, and it's amusing, but by the time he gets to that party, it just drags on. Like, there's no need for that party nonsense. The Jesus switcheroo does nothing for me. It's just annoying.

I was laughing at the Jesus switcheroo. And that's the whole thing, too, is within the context of the film. The cliche of tricking the main characters into killing someone that is, like, on their own team. I mean, that's been done in horror films before. And can be done well.

But essentially, they did it, like, twice in this. And that's the whole thing. It's like, after you've done it once, you can't get the shock of doing it again. Well, not only do they do it twice, but technically they do a switcheroo thing, like, three or four times because he dresses up. as he dresses the guy up as him, you know, so that he gets shot by his own son. then he dresses the son up as him so that he gets beat to death by his own girlfriend so those are the main two but then he himself dresses up as Jesus once and then he dresses up as a cop it's like there's. A lot of so many times why would you let someone a cop in a mask into your house after that's happened.

Again like the kid was disturbed that makes as much sense as why would you ring the doorbell in your own house that. You just walked out the door spray paint he's like 666. There was so many scenes in the house We're like you just walk out the front door of your own house and it wasn't enough like they would send one else Like why can't you all walk out the front door right? Like sending people to go scout for you. That was another there's another big plot holes that there were I almost felt like it was a joke that he kept walking to the door and locking.

It just just turning the bolt walking back and then almost immediately after the next scene like the kid would run up and be like oh look trick-or-treaters and. Like unlock the door and like but no one would leave like it was like what are you doing why are you locking this door it locks from the inside you're not keeping anyone in um but no yeah yeah so there's that scene. But i was just it's not any more difficult than turning the knob. Yeah yeah um they're a special fan but with that said again there are a few scenes like there's some scenes that are creepy because they just kind of go on a little bit long like again the sort of quasi groping scene between him and the girl they're at least uncomfortable that one made me uncomfortable the knocking over a pregnant lady in a shopping cart like that's uncomfortable but then there were a couple scenes that i felt were actually i'm again i'm gonna step out on a limb and say were genuinely pretty awesome like for instance the moment where the daughter first begins to realize holy shit yeah like and you actually see this in the actress's face of like but because holy shit he's not the fact that it was because of the shoes yeah it's like It's like, holy shit, it's not Alex.

Holy shit, he kind of went down on me in his mask. And then, holy shit, where's my little brother? I'm going to call him. Again. There's that moment of her calling out to him in the empty house.

There's so much potential. Alex has never satisfied me. Holy shit, that was my midriff, and that felt really. Anyway. Who knows what will happen to Nathan.

Yeah, I mean, I might just hook up with him. By the way, I want to mention at this point, Dave... Dave Posh has just stepped out. He's had enough. He checked out.

I would assume he's never coming back, but he did leave his record. So he's probably going to at least check back in before he escapes. I'll keep it in my office for him. He's just like, yeah, I need to use the bathroom. Yeah, right.

He's just gaping like we all wanted to. One thing that I thought was missing is... We introduced. And then. There's just been one thing.

One change. One thing that could have made this film better. Is they introduced the tool of the telephone, the cell phone, at the very beginning of the movie. As we have this. The tool that is known as the telephone.

And no one else has a cell phone at any other point in the movie. Because for everyone else, it's 1993. Right. It's like they go back in time when they get on this island and they're never. Maybe it was just a car phone, not a cell phone.

All right, guys. Can I suggest something? I would love... Based around that, the one thing that is missing. I would love it if we could go around and say one thing that we wish this film had done.

It doesn't matter if it's something that would have pushed it to make it a worse film or a better film, but I would love to hear from everybody. What's the one thing that you wish that this film had gone ahead and done? Killed the kid. Ooh, that's a good one. That's a good one.

Kill the kid. All right. I think I wanted the kid to die in it. Or, no, the kid completely snaps and pulls a Tommy. Uh you know that he is now let's let's start out a whole franchise the kid is now going to be satan's little helper and he just goes off.

And i've got it how it could have been so much worse because i would have hated it a lot more if by the end we realized there is no satan that kid was just crazy and killed his whole family it's all a figment of his imagination which. I'm surprised yeah and and especially with all the things that would really not make sense like you know satan throwing people through windows and stuff like that like that would be awesome if it turns out that was all this kid he's he's. Like damien he's like all supernatural. And shit. Okay does anyone know everybody's coming up i'm still thinking.

Okay, at the very end when it fades to black, you know. It could have started over again. They could have just said, sorry. It like fades to black. Sorry.

And the camera would come back and you realize that actually what you've been watching is a kid playing a video game of the movie. It was like the whole thing was a video game. Like an Inception kind of thing. With really good graphics. And that would explain why it looked so mediocre in the middle of the road.

That's why the lighting was just... you know, it was okay. 2004 video technology. Yeah, yeah, you know, the angles were just first-person kind of. I mean, that's about as elaborate. I mean, I'd say it's less elaborate than Grand Theft Auto 5, so I mean, the plot is much thinner than that.

That's true. So this is wishing something the movie would have done something? One single thing. This is incredibly. You know, just a tiny little technical matter, but You know that helicopter that you don't see?

There was a spotlight. You saw a spotlight, which was like somebody's high power. But, you know, they managed to slap a helicopter sound over the soundtrack. And they managed to have a guy with a big flashlight. Couldn't you have just pointed the camera up at some point and just caught a helicopter flying by?

Because, you know, they're flying by all the time. Everywhere I've ever lived, there's always choppers in the sky. Couldn't you have just snuck a shot or grabbed a stock shot? In that Bigfoot movie, they show a helicopter for at least 20 minutes. And I was going to say, you've got, like, the copter is, like, your basic stock footage.

There is a night copter somewhere. They couldn't stir themselves to do that. I can just picture the director sitting there on the porch and a helicopter goes by and he just screams out, Production! But they didn't even do it. It's just like, how are we going to get past this?

I know we'll just use a flashlight. I've got a flashlight. Was there even any wind? I mean, usually you can do something. It was just the kid on the radio.

Like the kid's like. In the center. Helicopter. Come in helicopter. Waving his hand.

I'm going to save him. And they still have the searchlight on the kid. He's like dead center of the spotlight. I just was like, wow, that's ineptitude there. And why were they looking for that house?

Did they like call and tell him to go right there where the killer is? One of the last two living cops. Actually, now that I've thought about it, I know something that actually would have kept me like totally engrossed. And this is not a lie. This is genuine.

If it had been in another language, no subtitles. That's good. Because I would have. Just been like, this is so fucking weird now. Wouldn't doubt put it in Swahili.

That's the thing. When I heard about this, I assumed it was one of those that was probably shot somewhere else. Because actually, it kind of makes sense when you think about it. It's like somebody wrote a script, and then they put it in a Google Translate, and it went from English to Italian, and. Then Italian to Greek.

I assume they shot it in Romania. And then from Greek to Japanese, and then from Japanese to English. And it's like, shoot. And they shot it to be like an American film, so it's got that thing. You know when they make quasi-American films in foreign countries, and things just look a little not quite American.

It would have had that weird vibe over the whole thing. Okay. I don't know. I thought that, though, when I first... What little I.

Knew of it, I thought maybe it was one of those weird things that was shot somewhere else, and that's why it had a cult. Following, because people... All Americans. No, sadly, shot in New York and New England. This is the guy who made, you know, like, you know, Squirm and Blue Science.

He's done a lot of television work. I see a lot of television work on his resume. I want to hear these directors. The regression. Wasn't the director's coffee?

That would have made it better. If I could listen to an hour and a half of him explaining himself. You know, I kind of want to rescind my, like, thumbs up of this movie because I didn't really you know like I went into this movie or I started watching this movie and assumed that this was like a new director starting out Because it's so low budget. But the fact that the dude has been directing for 20 years kind of ruins it. 30 years.

70. This guy's been making movies longer than I've been making sounds. Oh, my God. Longer than I've been making sounds. I so want to throw this guy a bone.

He had to have some kind of weird cred to get Plumber in this. Yeah. And I heard that this... I read somewhere this thing premiered at Tribeca. Yeah, it did.

Can you imagine the reception that kind of a film got? Oh, my God. That's it. They don't care. They'll like whatever they see at those.

So long as it's Tribeca, it's like, oh, my God, what a nice satire. They were making artsy choices at the film. Well, they made a bad horror movie to make fun of how bad horror movies are. I think if you... put something with, like, the right crowd, they're going to pick out whatever meaning they want from it. You know, like, I don't...

I feel like, you know, the way the boy was desensitized to violence was somewhat of a commentary on, like, video game violence and things like that. And, you know, like, the religious aspect. But. Satire is the conventional cinematography. Like I said, there are little bits and pieces that are good.

It's just not brought forth properly. But I feel like it was so... They didn't have that much direction. They're just kind of throwing it in there. Or maybe even it was stumbled upon accidentally.

Maybe it was an improv script. It was the best in show treatment. It kind of made the scenes last. Or maybe he was just I mean, you can have actors that get gigs that. Are just drunkards.

Or, you know what I mean? They have the chops. They're just not, they just can't put their shit together. So people are like, it's a paycheck. Actually, there was a moment in it where it felt like in the middle with the little kid wandering around in the basement and Satan telling him stupid things to do, it felt like a sketch from Kids in the Hall.

And I really expected Bruce to be there going, this one time, this kid at school? He killed a bunch of people? but that's okay. Are you God? I mean, I just, I really, it felt like that for a minute. And I was like, you know, if you did it that way, like, this could almost be genius.

Like, if you took the comedy that level... Yeah, I'd watch that, I think, if you could get those guys involved. I saw it was described on Netflix as a black comedy, and I wonder if by them saying that, it's like this get-out-of-jail-free. Oh, it's a black comedy. Yeah, I really feel that way.

You're supposed to laugh at it. Yeah, I think I've figured out that maybe the thing I wanted to make the film, if anything, would have made the film better for me, is that I kept getting hints of these other weird storylines that I wasn't really getting. There was the arsonist. There were the anarchists. There was the transvestite.

Valets. We had the rich dude with the girlfriend who's obviously half his age who he's saying, I know I don't look old enough to have a kid. It's like, yes, you do. You're old enough to have four. This would explain the ending.

They wanted sequels. Here's the thing. I'm imagining a story Where we constantly segue between these random people on the island and how they're spending their Halloween. And in the middle of it is this utterly nonsensical tale of this boy with this superhuman murderer running around causing chaos. That then precipitates and affects everybody else.

That's a story I could kind of get into. Because then it's just this weird nonsensical storyline at the heart of these attempts to tell... more real so like an anthology yeah like a trick or treat type thing except with this utterly batshit crazy stupid idea in the middle of it to drive the whole thing but. What instead we're gonna get is Satan's little helper colon Transvestite We're going to get a whole series Of all the other We're going to get Rosencrantz and Guildenstern I want them sitting around talking about their school loans And how they're hoping That they're going to be able to find jobs As designers We're never. Going to make it on this island We're going to get Satan's. Little helper Well maybe this is.

Just like a weird adaptation Of Waiting for Godot And we didn't realize it. Because it was told from everybody else's perspective Well don't you say Waiting for God Satan. Is Godot was kind of like that right. Yeah especially and especially what tipped me off there was when the anarchists are running around and one of the guys in the masks like you know clap satan shoulders and they look each other for like that like like they know each other like hey it's you and i was like oh my god are there more like him just running around doing this and we haven't noticed like you know we've just been following one. All these other stories are going to come out in the spin-off movies that are all happening at the same time on this same day in the middle of the chaos.

So our solution to how to make this movie better is obviously just to make more of it. To really make people suffer to expand it and its dimensions and its scope the. One thing that i that i did kind of like about it was the really over the top miming what if the movie had been everybody silent and just my. Silent film oh wow it might have won an. Oscar i think we're on the same wavelength because i mean that's the whole thing with me putting it into foreign language i'm.

Not gonna know what's going on and then. It's just like that weird puzzlement like what is happening here you think you'd be fine if you just turn the sound down I could turn down the sound and maybe put on some weird creepy coil. Or Apex Twin or something. Take your 80s theme really slowed down. There you go.

Take the existing score. Moving on up, moving on up. Well, okay, we should wrap this up. We've gone way... Yes, please do.

Come on, God. But I did want to say you. Is it Thanksgiving yet? You mentioned this on Facebook, Greg, the fact that they give you a promo for the movie in front of the movie. That's so weird.

Oh, right. That was very strange. See, I thought maybe that was Netflix or something. I was like, why is he doing this? Yeah.

As I watched it, though, I was like, it gives you the whole movie. Like, you said we could wrap it up in a half hour. In, like, two minutes, it gives you just enough of the story that you kind of know where everything's going. But short of the very end, like, you know everything he's going to do and the premise of what's going on. In two minutes.

They used to do that all the time on TV in the late 70s. Like, tonight on Battlestar Galactica. That's what it felt like. And again, it felt like a promo for a show coming up on ABC Family. True.

Kind of what it was. No, it reminded me of those weird movies from the 70s. You remember that DVD of just like offbeat, terrible? I like that Ben's like, it reminds me of those movies from the 70s. Marla's like, no, it reminds me of those.

Movies from the 70s. No, I said TV shows. No, I'm talking about specific movie clips. What was that DVD that you had? Like the weird, weird world movies.

Oh, the one that's just like the trailer? Yeah, that's just trailers. Yeah, it kind of would fit right in there. What was that called? I mean, it's just a collection of really bad.

Yeah, but there's like a name for that company that does that. What is that? It's not something weird thing, no. I think it is, actually. Something weird.

They do some of those compilations. They have a lot of compilations. It's one of those that's just a compilation of bad movies. Yeah. Epically bad trailers for them.

Yeah. The intro reminded me of a something weird trailer. That's what I was getting at. It would fit right in there because you'd look at it and go, they didn't really make a movie about that, right? Because many a time I say that watching those, I'm like, that's not real, right?

And then you find out it is and we do a whole. Episode It is puzzling, the movies that get made and then the ones that don't. You hear of people, oh, they were going to do this, or somebody pitches a script or something like. That, and you're like, that would be great. And then they make crap.

That was my point at the beginning. I'm like, they remade a movie of a movie they just made last year, and that got greenlit, and then somebody paid the money to make Satan's Little Helper. By the end of the show, I'm like, I give up. You can't make a good movie, I guess. Right.

These are the things people are throwing money at. Well, maybe when they got the pitch for Satan's Little Helper, they thought, oh, they're going to make a movie about the Pee Wee's Big Adventure Biker Gang. They kind of have a biker. Gang in it, too. The little kids that were riding around on the bikes.

It's a prequel. They almost had. They're still talking about this movie. They can't stop talking about it. It's an obsession.

The worse the movie is, the more we can talk about it. That's usually true, actually. If it's the worst, there's plenty to talk about, but this doesn't qualify as the worst. It's worse in a different way. You want to see bad Halloween, you need to see Hack-O-Lantern.

Next Halloween. If we can get hold of it. I love Hack-O-Lantern. There you go. I love it.

It is atrocious. We'll start working. There's the teaser for next year, next Halloween. You're going to end it on a cliffhanger? Yeah.

See, that's how we end. As long as we end it. That's going to go for a couple years. No way. Is it tomorrow yet?

Almost. What was the name of that terrible Thanksgiving movie that we watched? Thanksgiving? No, no. Are you talking about Blood Freak?

Blood Freak. Blood Freak. Now see that? Now that's a film. That's a classic.

And again that goes back to what I was saying earlier. You watch it and it's like I feel like the lead is really fucking trying to make that paper mache turkey head work his advantage. He's trying. That one they were trying to make an awesome movie in their mind. They were.

Where this I don't ever get that. I feel like this is mediocre even to the people that clock in. Like you said. Nobody cares about this. Well that's the sad part about it is that you can tell it's people it's competently made you can.

Tell they're going through the motions yeah. There's no they all know their job and they're doing their job except the writer and the actors that have never worked and never work again yeah. It's happy halloween happy halloween. All right. I think we should escape this movie.

Thank you. Otherwise, that about does it. We will return next week. Same geek time, same geek feed. Thanks for listening.

Pack up your sins and go to the devil in Hades. You'll meet the finest of gentlemen and the finest of ladies. They'd rather be down below than up above. Hades is full of thousands of Joneses and Browns, O'Hooley and Coens and Grady's You'll hear a heavenly tune that went to the devil Because the jazz bands They started picking it Then put a trick in it A jazzy kick in it They've got a couple of old reformers in heaven making them go to bed at 11. Pack up your sins and go to the devil and you'll never have to go to bed at all.

I hope you haven't taken my stories too seriously. I hope you haven't taken my stories too. Seriously This episode is a production of Movie Meltdown, produced and edited by The Oddity Studios, with opening music performed by The Empires. For more on how to sponsor or support the show, email producer at moviemeltdown.com. Talk hard!

Woo-hoo-hoo!