Yellowbeard

H weird, m pup. Isn't that the international sound? The guns? Thought? Yeah, I thought it's pu pu pu p isn't isn't pude a laser guns?

It can be all guns if it if it, if it's an ak it goes. You sat there for a while thinking about that. You're like, aren't that just fucking laser guns? How dare you? I'm flexible, but are you as flexible as an ensemble cast starring Graham Chapman, Eric Idol Chong and cheek Peter Boyle Marty How can you have this many people in a movie that are that funny on their own and just and just a narry a laugh to be found through an hour and a half.

I laughed a few times, like three times once every half an hour. Yeah that and probably not. I think it was probably all front loaded in the first maybe half hour, but one in the first half hour, two in the second half hour, none at all in the end. Oh yeah, that's um. I think there are Jerry's Kids specials that have got garnered more laughs then Jesus starting off blue ladies and gentlemen.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry because it's true. It's it's sort of like it's like getting like somebody telling you're gonna go to the world's coolest theme park. They have all the rides, all the coolest rides, the Devastator, the Annihilator, the Juggle Later, I don't know. And you get there and it's the Chamber of Farts and that's it. Oh.

I thought it was just you being fisted for five hours, because that's what you sounded. I said, that's what it sounded like. All those rides just sound like horrible ways of being penetrated by a machine. The Annihilator, the Juggle Lator, the fist a lator. I didn't say fist later.

I think we know where your brain is. Surfist a lot. That's that's what that was my nickname at once. Captain Blowsome's at your serfers. This is already funnier than the entire movie.

Folks on this episode of the Culture Cast, if you can't tell how blue we've already gotten, We're at two minute. I am joined by one of Dark Destinations. I know, the host of Dark Destinations. You're one of the hosts. Who else is there for me?

But you are a co host on many other shows, including but not limited to Dreams for Sale and Wolf and Raisin and good Night Mister Walters a taxi podcast doing a Night Glorie podcast. You're the host on that show. I am the host on that chat. You are, and you're also one of the host of Noise Junkies, the latest show over Weirdingwaymedia dot com. You know that's way too many shows, now that I hear it out.

Lad, that's right, father Malone. It sure is. Hey, when it's Noise Junkies, it's not too many. It's never enough. Baby.

Come on. The slogan too much is never enough. That's right it Come on. I mean, I wasn't slagging off any of them. I'm just saying like, maybe I'm stretched thin.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, but maybe you're not stretched thin enough. I'll like to think. I'm like that. I'm like Rockies manager for fathering alone. I'm like, I'm like rubbing your shoulders, going, come on, kid, make them blea cut me.

So I was like, oh no, wait, this isn't Rocky. It's Fescualatorator all the way from Mondo Heather dot com and also from Diabolique. You have heard Heather here before, but yeah, Heather drain is here. Hello, Hello, the fisting precedes you. Thank god.

I thought you were to call me the fisting Princess. I was like, sir, king fist, sir, I have fisted nary a bum or the record, But there's nothing I like how we got that out of the way. At the top, I was really wondering, that's nothing wrong. I just don't want people coming to me for advice on fisting and I give them wrong advice because I'm not the expert on it. I've seen I've seen, you know, movies, cinema, filmed entertainment film.

I think this movie would be bet if Peter Boyle fisted somebody with his hook hand. This movie really wanted to man. He went to town with that hook. Anytime he was on screen, that hook was gesturing I'm telling you over here. Clearly that was the joke, and he was in on the joke.

But I just thought it was really funny. Like scenes where he was even in the background, you could see him like swinging that hooker an he was like our hooks hungry for bung ladies and gentlemen. On this episode of the Culture Cast, were we're watching another pirate movie because we've already watched. We've already watched two and hey, they haven't been very good, but this this one aims to change things. There's a couple, but they all rhyme with schmiates of the Schmeira bean.

Yeah, like one and two. Yeah, but we're gonna be watching a film that has a lot of funny people in it that's not very funny. It's called yellow Beard. Take some of Money's pet python like Graham Chapman here today, going tomorrow, John, Please, he's out of sight as blind you Eric, I'd a great job, kid, Just knock me out. Put him together with Chong and change and all look crazy.

So kept young Frankenstein and stitches like madelinkn love you, I love you, I love you, Peter Boy, he could use a big hand, folks. And Marty Fellman, here's looking at you, kid. Here win some cheeky jokes, some sheep jokes. Trust me, folks. It's a shipload of last I'm a Beard rated page now playing at a theater near you.

So. The film is directed by Mel Dansky. It's written by Graham Chapman, Peter Cook, Bernard McKenna, and David Sherlock. Uncredited Boy I bet he's lucky. He's the lucky one, right.

I think Dave Sherlock was Graham Chapman's partner in life. Dave Sherlock, Yes, they were together. Yeah. Do you think he was at times like honey? Maybe maybe not that choke.

I'm assuming David Sherlock was the one saying honey, that is drunk and just going like whatever, I don't care boy and and and it's shows because this film stars Graham Chapman question Mark. It also stars Peter Boyle, Cheech and Chong Oh, a lot other people, Marty Feldman, Madeline Khan, Eric Idle, They're all having their time wasted by this movie. And yeah, the film is about Graham Chapman, who plays the titular Yellowbeard, who is on a quest to find his treasure that is tattooed that the map is tattooed on the back of his son's head, and his son is his mom's mom is played by Madeline Khan. I've had a hard time even figuring out what the fuck was going on half the time, because half of the movie is just Graham Chapman on a boat and nobody realizes it.

That's half the movie folks and yep, yep, Yeah, there's actually there's a lot going on in this movie. There's actually too much going on in this movie, and for a ninety minute runtime, it feels like three fucking hours. I don't know how they pulled that off. That's magic. Apparently, if you have, you know, just a few hours to live, call mel Damski.

I guess it'll make you feel like you're living for eternity. Yeah, it's like, you know, I say, nothing happens, but it's like it's like they were just bombarding you with so much it's hard to remember one singular thing that happens that has any importance because in a lot of ways, it reminds me of Roman Polanski's Pirates, a great movie to be compared to hilarious, What a knee slapper of a movie, The comedic silence of Roman Polanski right, Walter math out eating a boiled rat. There have been fewer funny things I've seen in my lifetime. But it's the same thing where they just go through all the quote pirate motions unquote. There isn't a peg leg left, unstamped, plank left unwalked.

Heather, I'm gonna kick it to you first, What did you think of yellow Beard? And when was it that you saw it for the first time. I hope to god it was this time. Um. Well, it's like because I remember reading about this film as as a kid, because I would scour all kinds of film guys, and this one always uniformly tended to get not the best write ups, to put it mildly, but I was always kind of curious because of that cast.

I mean, you have so many comedic legends, and I mean even even in support roles, like you have Nat Nigel Plainer, who is in My Heart and Soul as Neil from The Young Ones, And of course it's a comic strip. I know, right right, I know, I was watching the movie and going, the fuck is that guy? You reminded me of that English stand up comedian name Jimmy Carr, who they both kind of like look like each other, And I was like, is it Jimmy Carr. I'm like, wait, no, Jimmy Car's current this is like forty years ago. This who And I was like and then like and then in another scene he sort of like turned around and like looked a little bit from the side, and I was like, Oh my god, it's Nail Neil.

And then and then you get even more sad because it's like, holy shit, this movie really just squandered everybody's talents. But because you would never know he was funny at all watching him in this movie, and that's not his fault. Not sure you would know any of the people in this movie are funny, which is sad. But no, My first time I'm actually saying now watching Us was in preparation for this this episode. Um.

And if I was going to write, say, an article or chapter about this movie, I would call it, um the biggest waste of natural resources col in the movie, because that's really what it is. I don't know how you have these many talents. I mean, in some cases legends, I mean Peter Cook, Graham Chapman, I mean even some of like character actor wise, I mean you have Susannah George, you have Birel Reid, you have Ferdy Maine, who I believe was in Polanski's Fearless Vampire Killers, which is actually a good Polanski's movie. Watch that, don't watch Pirates, but actually funny. Yeah, it's actually funny.

Uh. You guys, you guys have a sacred spirit in Jess, because Jess was talking all about that movie and saying how that was a good funny Polanski, Oh it is, No, it's great, it's great. Everybody should see it. It's it's it's a rewarding experience. But i'mlike, like Yellow Appeared, but um, I just it's I don't know how you fail so hard with this cast, because these are people that we've seen in movies that equally we're probably not good, but they uplift that movie.

I was thinking, even like, and this is the eighties is a great error for that because John Candy, for example, who's not in Yellow Beard, but he John Candy was in some movies that weren't good, but he's always good. You always smile. You're like, oh, thank god it's John Candy, you know. And I feel the way about Madeline Cohn, you know, or or now a Nigel Planer or so many people in this movie and just it's a what a what a drag? I mean, it's watchable.

I won't say it's so bad you can't watch it, but that's like seeing something's edible. It's it's not praise. It's literally the barrass minimum you can do as a film, botham alone. Break it down for me. What do you think of Yellow Beard?

Okay, I saw this movie when it came out. I'm gonna I'm gonna get you one of these times where it's like, you didn't see this movie when I came out. I did. I did see this when I was ten. You can imagine that.

I thought this movie was fucking hilarious. It's R rated, and it is all of my favorite people at that time. I mean it's basically a young Frankenstein reunion with sprinklings of Cheech and Chong and Monty Python. And I didn't know that jokes weren't good. I just thought, you know, people fallen over and getting shit thrown in their face was hilarious.

I mean it is. You're not wrong. Everything in this movie could have been funnier or funny had it had they had an entirely different director. This is I don't think the script was very good to begin with. It's it It needed a few drafts, let's say, by by actually funny funny people.

I'm not saying Graham Chapman. It's not funny, Jesus Christ, don't kill me. But it needed that, and it needed a director with vision or something, because you know, it made me think about all the actors in the Star Wars movie. He's complained that George Lucas' only direction to them was faster, more intense, that this movie needed that direction, it needed tightening on an actor level, just like the line reading. Everything is just so lackadaisical except for Graham Chapman.

Graham Chapman in every scene, to me is actually funny. Like when I mentioned there are laps in the movie, it's because to him, because probably because of the line reading or his absolute commitment to the insanity of that character. I love that character. I wanted to watch a movie about that character. Perhaps we could have called it Yellowbeard, because to say, was that not the title?

Sir? Every time he's on screen, I'm just riveted to that guy. And there's a reason he's the central character in every one of the Monty Python movies that has a narrative. He's so imminently watchable and likable. So I don't regret rewatching it just to see Graham Chapman again.

And if you like Monty Python, I would recommend the movie to anyone who is a fan of Graham Chapman's just as a completest sort of thing, but as a funny movie. No, it's a failure. As a pirate movie. It's a failure, and it's a very frustrating failure at that given the insane amount of talent on screen. It's really it's a cavalcade.

It's the It's a galaxy of stars, is what it is. Galaxy of bronze. They're only four. You're You're not wrong. I mean, neither one of you are wrong.

You're both fucking wrong. This movie is a cinematic gem up there with the likes of I don't know, like, no, this is is it's weird. You you both put it really aptly. It's how do you have all this people on screen? And just like every single one of the scenes, I'm just like, uh, what's the least funny thing you could do?

Okay, you somehow manage to be even unfunnier than that, Like you, you manage to go even more to a place of just like swinging for the I guess they're swinging for the fences and missing constantly. I can't figure out if they're swinging for the fences constantly and missing, or if they're just not even trying and missing, because like there's that's two different things, right, because Graham Chapman clearly in a different movie, clearly understood the assignment more than maybe Peter Boyle's the only other one who's kind of doing who's kind of hamming it up. But again, Peter Boyle consummate professional. So I just I don't know if it was we just aren't landing funny jokes or if we're just coming up short with everything.

I think the Pacings definitely. I'm glad you mentioned that, Father Malow, because I agree, because there are times where there'd be a little and I mean it when nothing was like like a brilliant joke. But I'm like, if something's off, like in another's instance, this should have landed a little better than it did, but most of them don't. And also, like, god, how did I how do you waste Cheech and Chong? Because I love Cheech and Chong and and granted, I'll bet this is like that weird in between period because like you know, eighty one, they made Nice Dreams, which is, in my opinion, one of one of the three best Cheech and Chong movies.

I love Nice dreams and butt. You're getting closer and closer to the Corsican brothers, and that's when it's getting a little dodgy, get not so classic. But Cheech is like, I think she tried. But Chong is talking in this accent like affective voice. What's so funny, It's so funny.

Every time he fed the line, it's so funny. I hated that. It's only funny when a fucking cartoon character does it. And even then it's graating. It's not good, it's not good.

I'm like, how is this the man that you know helped give us the Bloaters was blowed off? You guess I'm sorry that song rerects me up? But or Basketball Jones or Eric my eye, Like, there's so many like great things Chong and cheecha and his hatch too, and it's just Richard Marin. He prefers to be referred to. That was Richard Cheech Marin.

I love it when people say that. It's like tiny Zeus Lister rest in peace. Yeah it did say Tommy Chong though, right, yeah, yeah, see this isn't Cheech and Chong, this is Richard mar Oh okay, sorry, it's Monty python light appearing in this movie, nor is it the most of the cast off Young franken'st My Apolitics. I love that the TV spot just goes with the reunion of these three movies. Yes, that is technically correct.

What a selling point, very superficially if we're talking about the quality of the comedy of the movie. Yeah, and you know so I, as someone who'd never seen it before, it is one of those movies that I had again heard about. Similarly to Heather, it does not come well recommended, but I wanted to see it because, similarly to you, Heather, and just like you said, Father Malone, somebody must have found it funny at some point. And I feel like little kids, or kids or teen agers in eighty three would have been like that this is this is a fun funny. You know, I don't hold up when I get older, like teenagers in nineteen eighty three will have already been used to like Saturday Night Live and an Animal House and like a new aggressive form of humor which Graham Chapman is hinting at in this movie, and the rest of the movie should have been there with him.

They tried to make the entire rest of the film like a period piece like Pirate Movie. It felt like, you know, every nineteen sixties and prior to that Pirate movie very staid and very quiet and decorous, like just did not suit the material at all. And I don't understand what they were thinking in that regard because the movie's about Grab Chapman's character and he's like not in it enough and he's a maniac. Why is the rest of everybody? Is everything else so calm?

It's a pie movie. I don't get it supposed to be insane. Like if mel Brooks had directed this movie, you can bet it would have been tight and funny and funny and funny, like he wouldn't have let up. It would have been relentless, like this guy was just like, well, we'll turn the camera on here, like no artific, no art to it at all, just you know, yep, they did the scene cut. Part of this might be that they were in Acapulco filming and everyone it was apparently just like a huge party.

Eric Idle said of the movie, It's one of the worst things I've ever done. But I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything. So maybe nobody was really giving too much of a shit about the movie Alcohol Freeze Slowly Baby, I mean, right, yeah, was anybody else bothered by like the fact that Peter Cook's character there's all these jokes about how drunk he is and what an alcoholic he is, because Peter Cook doesn't look good in this movie and he legit had those problems in real life, and it just felt like a little uneasy for me. You know. It's almost like it'd be like watching Judy Garland in a movie where it's like, hey, I'm on lots of pill and drink.

It's hilarious, and you're like, oh, I know how this ends. It's not funny. Are you telling me that Scott Hall dealing with with alcohol abuse was not real? That was sad too and hardy? I know it's it's yeah, it's it's it's tacky castle anybody else, I guess.

But I mean, look, when you have Madeline Khan in your movie and you can't do anything with her doing a funny voice the entire movie, like that's that's that's one of the Madeline Khan things, and it's like, well, yeah, whatever, Like she she's nailing it, man, I mean, she's going just nothing is landing. They're not giving her anything to sort of, you know, dance on. By the way, Madeline Khan from my hometown, she's the one celebrity from my hometown. That's awesome. Fucking Shirley Avenue just a few streets away from my home.

Oh my god, that's amazing. She's right, she's amazing in everyone of her even if she's good, Yeah, it's not. And that's the thing I mean with some of the performances, it's not really on the actor's part. It's just that the directions. I did notice that Damski, who's super prolific, but everything, almost everything he directed was TV.

Like this was his first feature film. I believe, like that wasn't for TV. And and I'm not slagging there are people that make amazing TV movies, but Steven Spielberg, yeah, you know, but uh yeah, this Oh it's just yeah, which wasn't It wasn't good? And I do love I mean, Madelon Khan. Think about it.

A year later, she's like, what a year or two later after this, she's in Clue, which is one of my favorite Matlan Khan performances. Ever. You know, thank you for bringing it up, because I was thinking about that movie in comparison to this one, without even thinking about Madelinkh When I was thinking about there's a scene late in the movie where Eric Idol and Nigel Planer are on deck together and they're looking through their spyglasses at the ship, and it's supposed to be this like choreographed three due to the slapstick thing where Nigel Planer keeps smacking Eric Ile with his spyglass and he hits him in the head and then he brings it down on it and knocks him out of the frame, and they're doing their best, but the directors just set the camera up and it's going and there's no attempt to aid that in any way.

So I was thinking about that in comparison to just something as simple. In Clue, there's a scene where they're all searching the house and Martin Mole pulls open a door very quickly and an ironing board comes out and smacks him on the head. It's the same joke, but there's care and attention paid in one case and there's none here. Yeah, And there's that tight pacing like where you're talking about that you need with this kind of comedy. Actually that the other good comparison stuffs trying to think of like movies, particularly from the early eighties that have these big star casts and which one's you know, which one's landed, which one's didn't, because like with this one, it kind of made me think of that movie Holy Moses, which came out of nineteen eighty, which also did not simpler.

Yeah, and I mean I watched it recently and it's it's like the same, the same problem as this, Just like the script is kind of there and it needs a lot of help and either either make the script funnier or you know, get a better director. But now, I mean in that cast, I mean Holy Rose has had what Richard pryor in it, Dom Delawise, like all kinds of people, James Gilford, James Cocoa, Jack Gilford, who's yeah, I love Jack Gilford. But like and yeah, that wasn't good. But then you have Clue, which is I mean that that hey, that card is loaded, that that card is stacked, and and Clue's great. A love clue.

So it's better than It's way better than this. Oh my god, up the Academy, as as vilified as that movie is, is far better than this. Thank you for bringing up up the academy. Another Stacy Nelkin phil because hey, yes, Staylkins. Stacy Nelkin's here.

Uh talk about someone who's really having their time wasted, Like hey, just another yeah, another wasted opportunity for Stacy Alkin, you know, like she just gets to go like, oh ah, yeah, I like you now, Like, oh, so she's a slut? Is that what you're telling us movie? Like women are greedy? We know very little about her other than she likes money. Like she's the only female character who doesn't get raped by the protagonist.

Yeah, our rapist. Yeah there's a low. I don't know. Rape is funny. No, it's hilarious.

Here. I think often about what I think often about what Teddy Ruxpan might say about these proceedings in this film. And okay, okay, here's one of the jokes that worked for me. I'm sorry, and it's off color and whatever. But the core group has gathered together, and it's yellow Beard and his son and Peter Cook and their professor, and they think they're about to be discovered, and they dress up yellow Beard and they say, we're going to have to disguise you.

You'll be a professor, you'll be professor, and he goes, professor are ripe? No no, no no, no, professor murder. You know it's like that's that made me laugh. Oh okay, works perfectly, Yeah, okay, that's good. The other thing in the spyglass scene, which doesn't work, the physical comedy doesn't work, but they keep cutting to the sort of monocle shot, like the point of view through the spyglass, so it's a little irisk in of the boat, and then another character comes up and brings up his and then we get too, so it looks like a binocular thing like that visual gag work.

Later there are four characters standing there looking and we get four shots of it that made me laugh. They end bum but m buttom bum. I just wanted to give you every laugh I got in the movie. There they were I want to share a laugh I got. And I'm almost ashamed of this one because it was I admit the joke was superd but it gave me a chuckles.

At one point, there's this whole thing about they want to allow women on the on the boat because the woman on a on a pirate ship or a ship is bad luck. But then like one of the basically like heavies to help, you know, help have the captain have his manpower is clearly a beautiful blonde with a little mustache. Name and name, what is it, mister prost mister prostitute Christian. But then when they when they're trying to vote in a new cap one of the guys, you'll say, I'll vote for mister prostitude. Graham Chapman bang mister prostitude at one point or was that just me mister Yeah?

Okay, And like what I said, every female character other than Stacey Nelskin gets raped by Hey, he ripes the old woman who's just very befuddled. Oh my god, like what like he's repping. She's just like oh and it's um, I mean, so it's a lot of rate and I'm not I'm not so funny. That's against obviously off color humor. I mean we were literally joking about like the fistulator, like what twenty minutes ago, but um, there's at this film kind of goes hard on the race jokes.

And maybe I would be okay with that if they were funny. But that's the thing. If you're if you're going to be offensive, you better be funny. That's the thing. It's so boring.

It's not even offensive like I would like offended by it. It's just like here's a dumb joke, like like the Randy Pirates of Old. Yeah, I agree, I would watch that show, The Randy Pirates of Old. Professor Rape does sound like a roadie for the mentors though, that's a rape sounds like he'd be part of the fucking band Frank Lam. He's just so you know.

He was part of a group. I think it was called like the Dangerous Sport Club. You guys know about this in England, like started in the seventies and it was this They created bungee jumping basically and right thing and stuff, and they they got sort of crazier and crazier as the years went on, Like they did a They did multiple trips to I think in Switzerland, to some mountain where the idea was to send irregular objects down the mountain on skis, like sense sculptures, and they brought at one point a double decker bus from London and got it to the mountain and switched the authorities who wouldn't let them do it. But they were all going to get on that bus and write it down the mountain. Oh my god, that's the kind of felogram Chapman was.

Where's that documentary forget Burden of Dreams. There's there's a fantastic documentary about him called I Forget a Liar's Autobiography about Cram Chapman where you should have watched that. Chris, Sorry, y'all. A bomb. I need a bomb for one of my holes.

I just don't know which one yet. Jesus Christ, Okay, I think we have the quote of the night some senttlemen. I need a bomb for my hole? Which one? Hey, I have that I did, Shade.

I wonder what you know, because you met you brought it up. I wonder what this movie would have been like if mel Brooks had directed it. I really do one if someone who was a comedy director had directed this movie, because Terry Jones from the Pythons, who from what group? Were many of these fucking actors in this movie? Part of what that made good movies over and over again, even movies that sometimes aren't that good.

Yeah, it's fucking weird to me that anybody would direct this movie, but a Python person. It's you know, John Cleese is in this movie because it's proof what good friends John Cleese and Graham Chapman where that John Cleese said yes to this because he said like at the time how horrible it was, and he's unrecorded saying like this is one of the six worst movies of all time. Um, but it would not have appeared in the movie, but Graham Chappin forced him to so. And you know what, he's really good, Like just the scene of him when he's he's out about in that in that town and like the kids are skipping rope and they try and catch him in it. He jumps over it and goes like he's so agile and weird, looking like he would have been a great like super villain or something.

John Cleese has like a really kind of malevolent energy to him if you get him going right, Like absolutely did you ever see um Kenneth Browna made that terrible version of Frankenstein, But in it he's like the professor sort of goading young Victor Frankenstein toward toward the toward his thing, and he's all dark and spooky. He's John Cleese can be really menacing. I missed out on that one only because I didn't want to see Robert de Niro as the Frankenstein Bods. I still haven't seen it for the same reason I love I Loved In Your Own Sun movies. But yeah, no, clee Is.

I do love his look in this movie too. He kind of reminded me of like somebody who would hang out with Arthur Brown, Like he totally's got like prog rock occult energy. Yeah. I can definitely see him in like at a Loving Rocket Show too, Are you know? Wow?

You're fun in me? He would never he would and he has. Look at him, he can't even help himself. Look at the kid. It's just who I am.

What did you call yourself on the Amazing Monsters podcast? A little dickhead? I was myself in the past. Okay, you're like, I'm a big dickhead now? Yeah, here was some credit by my Christian name Biggest dick is Yeah, way better movie.

Oh my god, that movie is so good. You know who else is good in this movie? Kenneth a lisping, lisping character too, Right there that scene in the Life of Brian the character of the season hilarious Lisper. But only one, but only like one or two scenes, right there's only one scene in that movie or two where he's doing that lisping. I think it's two because he mentions later he mentions his biggest Dickson's wife.

It contents a Busboks love in Rockets No New Tale. I really like Kenneth Mars in this movie. He's great double role. Yes, sure right, I guess yes it is. He's technically in the movie twice as two different people, and those are two distinct characters.

Why are you? Why are you making it less? The movies bad? But like, let's not the latter the latter character is given a lot less to do than the one that's on the ship. Yeah, but that sequences there's a lot less to be done.

I just like Kenneth Mars. Actually he does more in that scene than he does in his entire time on that moat. That's fair. But I like when they make Kenneth Mars look physically intimidate for no reason, Like I think you must have been a pretty tall guy, but like it's huge. Yeah, but you know, come on, how could you How could you look at that face and think anything other than that guy's a funny man.

Did you notice that Queen Victoria in the movie is played by the gentleman who played the Russian ambassador in Doctor Strangelove. Oh my God, thank you. I kept looking at her trying to place, like, who is that? Yeah, the faith so fucking distinctive. Yeah, I was wow.

Okay, yeah that was that also wasn't funny, but it was interesting. I guess Kenly we've gone thirty minutes with in two movie or music podcast people. We didn't mention the cameo of cameos for reason. Hold on, I was building up to it. I was no, Malone, you don't get this, mister smart ass, mister love it rockets, who I do actually really love a lot.

I do love one rocket I get called it the way he saw it. Hey, I want to interview David j by the way, and he was lovely. I love David Jay. He's my favorite member of the band, favorite member of the house as well. He called me a Southern bell.

So wait, now total nerd points, come on, goths. But now I get this because I love David Boy so much, and this movie, in addition to soullying so many comedic people that I love, had to bring in David Boy. And like, I mean, at least he got out with his dignity. You know, he's like the Billy Preston of the movie. But I know no one might get that he definitely is.

So here's the thing, back to the idea that everyone was just having a fucking good time and who gives a shit about the movie. David Bowie was in Mexico finishing up Let's Dance and it just so happens that his friend Graham Chapman was filming a movie, and so they were hanging out and he said, come be in the movie. And that's now David Bowie's in the movie. That's the fanciest story. Can you imagine getting out of the sentence, Oh, you know my friend Graham Chapman, Oh, my friend David.

Boy friend David called me. You probably know him by his last name Boowie. Fuck yeah, and yeah that's um. I was not expecting that, you know. Okay, So the movie, the genesis of the movie apparently hanging out in Los Angeles in the mid to late seventies as sort of a group where Graham Chapman, uh, Keith Moon and uh Sam Peckinpaw and they devised this movie and Keith Moon was to be yellow beer, holy shit, And Graham Chapman went off and wrote a first draft and they were getting the money together, and then Keith Moon got ill, as he did around seventy eight, as we all know, and uh so then they then the script went through a bunch of changes anyway, so it was the movie was even sort of u and they Peckham at the time was like, yeah, I'll direct it, even though he was completely drunk apparently during the during the thing.

But like, can you imagine a pirate movie directed by Sam Pack if I written by Graham Chapman first draft star on Keith Moon, it would have been a madness. You know whose name I'm surprise wasn't thrown in there? Oliver Read somehow, Like how is Oliver Read not in this movie? To be perfectly, you would have brought the right energy. Yeah, Like, and I could have fanned girls because I love Oliver Read doesn't right, He's amazing.

He would be perfect in this. And he looks kind of like a pyrate. He looks like a hot pirate. I mean, yeah, it was seven. This is late late seventies, early eighties.

Yeah, yeah, he could still get it in this there. Yeah, right, eighty three, Yeah, fucking absolutely. If Eric Idol can get it in eighty read can get it in eighty three, hell yeah. I just oh my god, Keith Moon as yellow Beard, because I think, like of his performance is uh, you know Uncle Ernie and Tommy and how you know. When I was twelve, me and my best friend thought he was like that character was whimsical because Keith Moon is so funny and crazy and we were just like, oh, he's silly.

And then like I watched a movie later on in college, I rewatched it and I was like, oh my god, Uncle Ernie's a petal. It's whatever my head because Keith Moon is just He's Keith. But he's lovable. You can't that face. You cannot look at Keith Moon and just yeah, he's lovable.

He's a lovable guy, and he's insane and hilarious. I don't know if you guys ever seen clips when he co hosted I want to say it was the American Music Awards some of these clips. Yes, and he is I mean, he's probably like coked out of his gourd, but he is a riot, absolutely riot. Peter Boyle's character in the movie's name for him mister Moon, oh all, that's sweet. And the ship that they're on, the lady Edith, Edith is a Graham Chapman's mom.

Oh man, that's nice. Yeah, I know, like I will want to go back and read this sort of first draft to the script, because apparently it was rewritten to the point where it was his draft evidently was never going to be financed, and so there were many other rewrites. There are other uncredited writers on the on the script, and um, it took so long to get made that by the end he was just like, I don't give a shit, let's just get the movie made and then they all want to talk. Abook had a good time, unfortunately for us forty years on. Well, and that's the thing.

I mean, it's it's great that there is a documentary about the making of the movie, but where is all that on screen? It's like, yeah, I'm glad you guys all had a great time, But you know, there were plenty of people that went to the movie theater that walked out and went, what the fuck did I just watch? Yeah? I trusted all of you led me astray, right, And what's fucked up is you know again the plot being what it is, Oh, yellow Beard needs to go find his treasure and it's tattooed on the top of his son's head. Great, but then the movie is interested in having yellow Beard be pretend dead the entire movie, and which, yeah, it's a fucking weird heard.

They're like yeah, because they're like, how did you get here, yellow Beard? When they finally make it to the island, it's like I in that moment, I was like, what the fuck are they talking? And I was like, oh, right, he's just been cavorting around the ship, raping women and killing people. And they thought it was what a ghost like, they thought it was his son. Who all you have to look at Martin Hewitt and say, yeah, fucking right.

The one of the biggest, one of the biggest missed opportunities, and we really haven't even talked about it, is the fact that Martin Hewitt is the main character of this piece. It should have been it should have been Graham Chapman. And what's crazy is they talked about the casting sting as his son. What are you on, crack? Just do that.

He's amazing and doing and he does buck all and done. Frank, He's in hilarious and Dune, Are you kid? I mean, but he's not the focal point of the movie by any stretch of the imagination. And he kills They not only offered the thing he want, he asked to be in the movie, like it was it done, and before that it was adam ant. See this is how long ago the process took.

Like he had been at hand, yeah, and had been attached to play the part, and it took so long that he was like, well fuck this, I dropped out. He dropped out. And so it's evidently were like, no, this cast is getting way too British. It wont appealed to American audiences. We need an American in there.

Oh, how sad. Actually, you know who else? I would have loved to have seen his son's Rick Mayle. Oh he should have been in this movie, Oh my god. And he would have brought that energy like that, manic, just insane energy like that would have been just somebody needed to match Graham Chapman.

The filmmakers should have matched Graham Chapman, should have taken all the use from him in that performance. Well, that's that he's sidelined large portions of the movie. Is just is strange to me because it's not like Graham Chapman wasn't there. It's not like he wasn't filming. It's not like it's like an extended cameo from Graham Chapman.

He's the main character of the movie, but in a lot of ways, it doesn't feel like his movie. It feels like he shows up in his movie to kind of make I mean, when you're right, fatherm on the only times, the times that he's on screen are the only times that are remotely funny, primarily because it's like he came in from another movie, Like, Hey, come in from this actual funny pirate movie. Come hang out on the set of Polanski's Pirates for a couple of days, is what this feels like. It's just so tonally inconsistent, like as a movie overall, because again, when a movie's not funny but it's meant to be funny, you kind of have to judge it in a way. That's if a movie's funny but it's everything else is not great, that's a problem.

But if it's not funny and everything else is not great, also, it's like, what are you succeeding at here? Like not storytelling? I guess it's a nice looking movie. Duction design is nice, but it's a fucking pirate movie. You can't fake being on a ship that badly.

I guess you can. But they don't hear they're on a boat set for real in this movie. So all the boats played by the the Mutiny on the Bounty Boat from the movie the nineteen sixty two movie which James Mason again and here Jason James speaking of Galaxy of Snows. James Mason is in this movie basically, you know, repeating his role as Captain Bligh or you know, and uh again, just wasted that, Like it should be really funny. Look when he when he says, does anybody not want to serve?

And the guy steps forward and yeah, he just shoots the guy. That made me laugh to Okay, I'm just retallying my my laps in the movie. I said something about them, what are you at four? Are you at four? Or five?

Now I'm at four? I think that's uh. When Peter Cook kicks the little girl into the cellar, oh my god, five. Yeah, that was that was funny also, but you know, it's funnier than all of it. Chris chris Is statement about Martin Hewitt, Martin Hewitt.

Fuck did you say Chris? Yeah? Fucking right? Yeah, I mean I don't understand why he was the one. I mean, other than the it took too long to make the movie.

Why did you cast someone who is devoid of charisma as the lead, ostensibly the lead of your movie, who is the child of Madeline Kuhn and Graham Chapman, but has the charisma of a fucking two by four and like and just the acting chops of the two by four. He's a retired actor, now, okay, Like he doesn't do rob Yeah right, he doesn't do the work professionally anymore. You beat me to it prodom alone. Shocking. It is, frankly not like, I'm you know what, why why how dare the both of you just count his amazing work and that comedy masterpiece Endless Love You monsters?

Oh my god, that was him? Uh yeah, Hey, here's the thing. Like, it's it's not like he's terrible. That part is terrible. It's you know, it's the you know, it's the prince in the paper sort of situated, you know, the fancy boy goes to see kind of thing.

It's it's it's not a good part. This movie now makes me think of something like you know where they like a studio in the eighties would have a comedy and just go like, well, the script's not really great, but let's put Eddie Murphy in it, and the movie's probably gonna be better. And it's probably gonna be good because Eddie Murphy is gonna be in every scene buoying the thing, like everyone's gonna work really hard because he's working really hard. If Graham Chapman yellow Beard you know in the title, had been in every scene in the movie, I think it could have survived. Like, yeah, it's the weirdest choice of all is sidelining the lead character for most of the movie.

It as if we care about anybody else, well as if anybody else his name is on the fucking poster is on the Marquee. I don't get it. Just like they show about as much Graham Chapman in the trailer as is in the fucking movie itself. I think they actually show every scene that he's in in the movie in the trailer, like that's how little he's in the movie. If you want to level anything against the movie, like just like the biggest indictment of the movie is how little he's in it.

That's the biggest that's the biggest indictment of this movie is for a movie called fucking yellow Beard. It's not like Pirate to the Caribbean was called The Adventures of Jack Sparrow across the High Seas and he's in it five times, it was called Pirate to the fucking Caribbean. This movie is called yellow Beard. Give us yellow Beard or get the fuck out of here. Seriously, Like, I just remember in Life of Brian where he was in the movie twice, Like I Leonard Malton wishes he could write a better more brevity laid in line, then we need more fucking yellow Beard.

But you're right, No, you're both one hundred percent right, I mean, because yeah, Graham Chapman also, like I love seeing him just like so just like just total gir super macho male energy and this like because it's you know, he's so you know, the versatility we come on Life of Brian. Yeah, like the contrast between those two characters, specifically Brian is so meek and unassuming and doesn't understand anything and this guy's pure id, unleash. Professor Ray, the way you said that was even funnier than it is in the movie. No, no way. We watched the scene.

If you watching anything, Yeah, everyone go to YouTube and look up the scene I'm describing. Don't look it up as Professor rape though that you're just yourself and everyone else in trouble. Fuck that. Listen. Listen to the culture cast uh here with Chris Dashu, myself and father m alone, and listen to father alone say it because hilarious.

Oh man, don't listen to me. What if I want to? Yeah, somehow gone, father, Yeah, I'm not going. That's not a moniker you deserve sir. No, oh my god, no, No, but you can hang it on me ironically, and I would not hang that off in this day and age.

No one's hanging rape on any of You're not ironically, You're not ted nuge. Nobody's doing that to you, Chris, and I will comfort that. They're all come. They're coming for me, and I know why. It's because my nickname is Professor Rape.

No, that's nuge. Yeah, putting the nugs and nuge gross on a happier note. David Boyce amazing, Yeah, just not in this. I mean, I guess he doesn't doesn't do anything right. Yeah, I mean it's it's nice to see him.

It's kind of like that um that terror that honest. This movie I think is actually arguably worse than yellow Beard. But that Kevin Costner movie The Postman where Tom Yeah, I know, yeah, it's bad. Tom Petty shows up. Tom Petty shows up for two minutes and it's like the Oasis says arrived because it's like, oh my god, it's not Kevin Coster.

Stop Petty. I've not that he gains Tom Petty. He's fine, he's talented guy, but it's like he might as well have been the second Coming of Christ by the time you get to that part in the movie. Because it's it's a lot. So yellow Beard isn't that bad?

Yeah, I would say this movie is still a lot though. It's uh. I was trying to be positive. I liked meddling con stockings. She had these cute little green stocking song those were nice.

They let Marty Feldman mug a proper amount. I feel, maybe too much. I don't know. You know he died on the set of this movie. Yeah, that definitely wasn't him going into the acid.

Yeah, the only he had not filmed was his death scene because he died before he can get to it. Man, That's how he was hilarious right to the end. Right, I've been trying to remember. Wasn't he in a similar movie? I mean not plot wise this, but also like an all star cast i'timber, like the trailer for it where he's like talking with God and the movie, but the movie didn't look very good.

Oh in God we t you are Yes. He directed that philm the last remake of bo Jest, which is a movie I really I really like I need to see that. I mean, he's good here. They don't again, like a lot of other people in this movie, they're just like, hey, do that thing, like do the thing like make the face, like make the face right, Like that's what they were, just like we need a guy to make faces all the time. It's like three teams going on in this movie.

Right. So there's Eric Idle and the British aristocracy, right, the Royal Navy, and then we've got we've got Moon and Marty Feldman like representing what's his name's old crew right they're trying to get and then we got yellow Beard his cohorts and then the boat that they're on, there's another there's too many factions going on. Like that was something I've read, like Graham Chapman said. You know, as the script got bigger and they added more, it became emphasis more on all the other minor characters, and that just kept expanding, Like why are there's so many people in this movie? It's well, so many people in a movie again, but nothing to do.

No. And by the way, every like every shot other than the shots of them when they're standing on the deck of that boat is stock footage. Oh really, Wow, this fucking movie released in nineteen eighty three. What else is released in nineteen eighty three? Like every great movie like this?

How dared this movie came out with us? Like the Pirate movie I think came out in nineteen eighty three with with goddamn Christy McNichol and and a blue lagoon Boy and like that had better effects, Like I think they got some miniatures even where God in that movie lagoon boy. Okay, Christopher, he has a name, that's the name bother alone. It'll always be Blue lagoon Boy to me. That's fair.

This is what two three, three of the six members of Monty Python so of Terry Jones, Michael Palin, and Terry Gilliam all all met. They were predisposed doing literally anything else. Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam, Michael Palin, one other one not involved, right, because it's just there's there's seven of this, Graham Chapman, Eric Idol, and Lease. That's Terry Jones, Michael Jones, and Michael Palin. That's only six.

Half of them are in this movie half half somehow half Eric Idle is funny or the three times he shows up in European Vacation. I watched that movie over the week and I was like, all right, Eric Idol is in this movie, and he's great. He actually, now that's that's true. He's uh yeah, Terry Gilliam was he at this point, Well, he's probably working on Brazil, and Terry was probably getting prepped to make Brazil, which is a great movie. Uh yeah, yea, even if you're even on its own and compared to this yeah, now it's yeah, it's a masterpiece of down.

Yeah, Terry Jones would have been a welcome side because I feel like Terry Jones always kind of brings a weird, a fun kind of weird energy. Why didn't Why didn't Terry Jones play Queen Anne if you're gonna have a guy, and that would have been Ryan like beause Terry Jones is in drag a lot in in Python stuff. I mean in brianfe of Brian. Hell, he's talked about Blessed half big nosis. He was busy, he was off writing that Labyrinth script.

Oh I love Labyrinth, which which Hey that's a good David boy movie. There we go. Hell, yeah, yeah, that's a lot labyrinths. Oh my god, we should have watched that. Pirates in it?

So I mean pirate. It's pirated, Jason. I mean those goblins are wearing on patches. Hey, David was wearing a puffy blouse. That counts.

He's got a con, he's got a cod piece and caught her things that you can catch on a boat. Oh my god, make a stick. Guys. That was that was the stretch. You know, you know why they call the goblin.

Yeah we know. Traumatized. Yeah, well some of you are. I thought when you said goblin, I thought you meant like goblin like down man, you got even answer? I sure do?

I want to ask you speaking of NASA later? Yeah? Well I want to ask you, guys, because because we're talking about pirate movies, and this is this is the only time you guys are on the month of pirate films, what other pirate movies are you doing? Without us the three team here year we made I'll be talking about some real great films I've been talking, be talking Roman Blenski's Pirates It's already out there, Yellow Beard, and then Savage Island's Pirate Radio, and then Pete Peter bench Peter Benchley's The Island Night, The Island, The Island Differ. I sent you guys the list, and you chose you're done, fucked up, You're done, goof, I got, I got entry to this room.

Well, I'll be popping in when you're I'll find out. I'm just gonna show up. Hello, yo, yo, it's me in the middle of your I mean, I put it this way. If you know the link to the show and you joined at eight after eight o'clock on a Tuesday night, there a distinct possibility all of a sudden you'll just be in the middle of recording and be going, what the fuck, Oh my god, we should do? Yeah?

Can I crash two? You just just do it. I would gladly appreciate one of you just fucking showing up one of these times of going I know what we're talking about? Fuck you, or just like, hey, what are we talking about? All right, good, let's go.

Yeah. With both of y'all, it's probably more like, oh yeah, I probably I would already have an opinion on this. So, speaking of having opinions, I'll kick it to Heather first and then you follow them alone. Is there a good pirate movie that you would suggest this month? Because I feel like I pretty much only picked shockingly bad pirate movies, our only bad pirate movies.

Sorry, actually there is now. I don't know if you technically call it a pirate movie, but it does have a character that is a pirate, and I think it's a funny movie. And the actor playing the pirates one of my favorite actors in the world, were Torn. And of course I'm talking about Summer Rental, but John Candy, I just mentioned John Candy. Summer Rental is a good Johnny.

Yeah, Yes, sumber Real is good. Diard is a fucking Christmas movie that counts. But it's I mean, come on, you have I mean, it's retorn and he's amazing, that's all. You've never seen it. It's good.

You should see it. It's better than yellow Beard. Very low praise, but no, it's legit good. I love it, returns hilarious and it of course John Candy, we all love them. Oh.

Actually, speaking of John Candy, John Candy is yellow Belly on a CTV is way funnier than yellow Beard. Yellow Belly. I'm not familiar with that, Karen. You should look it up. It's fine.

I'm doing that. I wonder if it's John Candy with a big yellow belly. No, that's disappointing. Larry, what about you? What's it?

What's it good? You know you said there are no good pirate movies, but you did also say that Pirates of the Caribbean one and two aren't bad. I like Pirates of the Caribbean two more than one. Yeah, I am. I'm the guy who who likes the second one more than the first one.

I think, obviously the first is a complete story. That movie that has a beginning of middle of an end, and you don't need anything else. You need the first one to get to the second one, and you need the third one because you'll be left feeling unsatisfied at the end of it. But I don't give a shit about any of that, because that's the best movie that my favorite, perhaps my favorite cinematic villain of all time is Davy Jones. So so that's yeah, that's why you and Kate will get along so well, because Kate feels the same way.

She has a Davy Jones downstairs. She loves Davy Jones. I'm with awesome, yeah, Bill Night, just like fucking my God, like he kills it. He's on a fucking pirate ship filled with monsters. Well, am I not gonna like that movie?

Of course I'm gonna like that movie. I mean to be fair, though, I will go out and lemon say, I think the best part of that first Pirates movie is actually Jeffrey Rush, not like I love Jeffrey Rush. I think Barbosa upstages the entire movie, no shit, yeah, like every time. And one could even make a case that like Lee Arenberg and all the assorted like supporting cast kind of upstage everything. So that's you know what, That's a movie where all of the separate part parts are working in concert.

That like this movie, this yellow Beard thing, with its far reaching cast like did not have any concept of what to do with just a couple of characters, never mind a couple of dozen. Whereas that movie that script Ted Elliott and Terry ROSSI are fucking phenomenal screenwriters, and they balanced everything in that first movie perfectly. I would I don't think that the same balance obviously does not exist in the second movie, because there's a lot there's a bunch of stuff that who cares why, I don't even know why. It's the whole jungle sequence is just like we need a big set piece. But but the second one has Davy Jones and a pirate ship filled with monsters, so I know it's the best one.

And it's really sad that we didn't get to see whatever fucking fifth move or sixth movie they were going to come out with, where it would be the return of Davy Jones, which is totally what they teased at the end of that last Pirates movie. And yeah, they did, didn't that. They sure did. They were like, Davy Jones back baby. For one second, I was like, wait, they could maybe redeem this and then and then I stepped on a beat.

Happened, Amber heard happened, And then we're never getting another Pirates of the Caribbean movie the same way, so that's fine. Yeah, I mean, hey, well we'll get whatever they're making another one, so like it or not? Like shit? Like, yeah, all right, I've yeah, I've only seen the first one. Oh, watched the second one, come on, now, it's pretty good.

I don't know. I was never anti watching the second one. I just never. I don't know. There's certain films where I think, I think get distracted by by something else.

I guess I don't know. I do love Monsters playing an organ in a black pirate ship that has submerged beneath the waves. That's awesome. Now is it Davy Jones from the Monkeys? Because then I'm sold.

I'm sold on it even better? Yeah, I want to see that deep fake. Don't fake it, don't fake it? No, God, please putting his face on Davy Jones's face. Oh God, I think we should bring back the guilty invest Ever does that getting off with the head fakes?

I think the I think the issue I have with that second Pirates movie, I think, yeah, it just doesn't tell a full story other than that, like Davy Jones ends up being Yeah, Sola in it. Man, stay stelling scars Guards in there. I love stealing Scars Guard. Who doesn't, Oh my god, I do love stelling scars Guard. Yeah, that's great.

And the crack in it. No, best one, best one. I need to I need to see it. I was hoping, Chris, you're about to say, you know, but it really needed was Davy jokes from Monkey Yeah, I mean e two ark from the Monkeys. He would have fitten in amongst that pirate career.

I love here to work. And there was the other thing about those pirates in the Caribbean movies that that even Yellowbeard didn't capture. Like Yellowbeard tried to capture the grittiness of being on a pirate ship, and those movies captured in a way that like I don't there's a lot of time where I'm like, this is a Disney movie, right, Like, yeah, it's not as like sanitized as most Disney movies are now or I mean again pre Marvel Sanita. No, those sailors are filthy and their environments are gross. Lee Arenberg looks disgusting in that movie, like so perfectly.

Yeah, and like like there's just I don't know, I I'm kind of in the same camp. You know, father Milon, you made the joke about there's no good pirate movies. Maybe there aren't any good ones after the golden age of pirate movies the Errol Flynn days, where everybody's trying to recapture that. But like, that's not something that jibes with clearly any other time period, because Roman Polanski's Pirates kind of tried it this movie for stit into the movie like Cutthroat Island fails for similar reasons because it's trying to recapture a thing that nobody really is interested anymore, that pastoral pirate bullshit of all these are clean, good Christian pirates, Like what are you on fucking crack? Like these guys were fucking they're ten times worse than you could even imagine they are.

Like the reason nobody has done any real pirate things is because what are you gonna do? Just make them the villains the entire time, because there's no way you would cheer for these people, like whenever they're like Pirates of the Caribbean the ride, it's too Violet's like, what are you out of your fucking minds? Like pirates were doing this shit all the time, like, oh, the pirates didn't rape nobody? Are you out? Are you?

Are you fucking joking? Like, yeah, I guess in the Disney World one they didn't, but you know, Ian Malcolm said it best they start eating the people, like that's that is what pirates were. They didn't give a shit because they were literally criminals on the high seas. The best recreation sort of homage to the Golden Age of pirates seeing as far as Hollywood goes is in Amazon Women on the Moon. There's a segment called Video Pirates, directed by Robert K.

Weiss, and it's fucking hilarious and it absolutely recreates the style and the old swash buckling, daring do of of Eryl Flynt and also makes fun of people who pirated movies on videotape. And we get William Marshall. Yes, Oh he's good. Oh good, I'm so good. He's also like better things than what we watch.

Oh, I got Chris. Have you seen Amazon Women on Well? Wait, are we doing that one later? We are doing that one later this year? Are we not brought them alone?

Goddamn right we are? I was like, he knows, right, I can't remember, right, We're going to get sketchy sketch comedy movies. Yeah, yeah, Like it's Pat Cone heads No, no, no, no, no, you gotta be really excited. I did an article and it's Pat, so I can't hate on it because Charles Rockett. No, it's not.

I'm not saying my pala. And his name is Jade Bull. He's an actor who lives in New York. He's in the It's Pat movie. He's in the crowd.

He's in a crowd scene, but he's in it. Shout out to Jabule. Is that the Wayne concert? That's fucking awesome. Good for him.

Holds up He's the first to like hold up a lighter, like, oh shit, I know which character you're talking about. That's a badass. That is so cool. We worked at a movie theater together and sent him Monica anyway, that is that is so cool. That's um, that's some street crib.

And we're not doing We're not doing SNL sketch comedy movies. We're doing No, we're doing now yeah with the groove too, mister Mike's Mondo video. Yes, Oh my god, We're gonna have so much fun. It's gonna be amazing. Will those movies be funny.

Some of them are quite funny. Oh my god, Amazone by the Moon is that banger? Are you kidding? I love it? I just want it.

Oh my god, Chris, you know what. I've been on a Joe Dante tear lately. I just keep watching Joe Dante. Thanks Chris, because you sent me on this path with sucking the Burbs. I need to reappraise my my love of Joe Dante.

And I was like, oh no, I'm right, I'm right, He's awesome. I started watching Tom Hanks movies because of the Burbs. Yeah. So I haven't watched Elvis though. Just wait, really, I saw him watched it.

I don't want to watch two and a half. I don't want to watch it two and I don't want to watch a two and a half hour Elvis movie. You can watch a two and a half Elvis movie. It's fucking directed by John Carpenter and starring Kurt Russells. That's yeah, I do.

I want to see that one. If I'm going to watch a two and a half hour long movie, it better be Botheredwood Baby, because otherwise I'm not interested. I'm not to say every movie you and I've done for like three hours, doing half fucking hours. I'd be more apt to watch that than I would a two and a half hour movie about Elvis narrated by Tom Hanks. Oh my god, all of them will feel feel a flighty compared to The Yellow Beard, though, Ron, that's how the pros do it.

That was beautiful. Uh. Yeah. It is weird how bad movies tend to feel longer than good ones that are the same length. Because this movie feels like Polanski's Pirates.

Dude, it's an hour and a half a movie that feels like three fucking hours, like it's interminable and like it's it's getting boggles the mind, like watching the people on screen, just going like why is none of this working? Yeah, comes in and like just starts up eating random things and knocking shit over and being chaos, and it's like, wow, hey, what's going on here? Like, oh, where do you go? Pretending to be dead? He pretends to be dead multiple times in the film, even at the end, even the conclusion of the movie has him die once again.

Yeah yeah, right, yeah that god. It's just you know the thing, it's like, you think this film would be a little more fun to watch. And I don't know everybody is of the score, but there's there's films I've watched that weren't technically good, but if you but a gather the feeling like, okay, that justs were having a really good time making this movie, and some of that joy kind of bleeds over that jubulants and you know that's something you can latch onto as a as a viewer. But I mean, I don't feel jubulant, really that jubulant watching this. Everybody just seems like, other than Chapman just seems like they're on ludes.

It's yeah, it's a very like just very I mean it's yeah, when the finale of your movie is Stacy Nelkin knocking the villain into the pit of acid and going like you, yeah, she doesn't just like she goes and gets a bucket right on that set? What it's a set? How it's uh. Yeah, when the movie has like no stakes of its own and does and even care that the main building gets killed by a character who's been in the movie for five minutes and they just go, wow, he's dead. Now at the end, all right, let's go home now, Like wow, way to undercut anything you're trying to do here.

There's a scene early when there's a guy with a parrot and he has a stutter and he's trying to tell them about about yellow beer. Remember that scene that dude was Tote and raiders of the last art, which one was to the one with the fucking burn on his hand. I got involved in the exact same thing. Sorry, I haven't seen. I haven't.

I haven't watched a lot of starts since I was a kid. Calm down. I do think and my my wife pointed this out to me. I think Indiana Jones is like exclusively like a this gender white man thing. I think I think us white guys like Indiana Jones.

I'm not sure how many other people like. Indiana Jones is my jam dog, you know what I mean? Yeah, well, I want to give me for a second. And you're like no, you're right, like, yeah, it might be. It might be.

It's sort of it's sort of like a like a nineteen fifties adolescent male fantasy movie. You know, right, please, But I'm more of a man than Indiana Jones. Final Oh wow, I mean you probably do punch with the closed fist as opposed to the I mean, I'm I'm being a little silly. I don't know, I'm not a fan of like I don't know, maybe because I've never fit into like a traditional like female anything in my life's I always get a little like Hackley, you know, and people are like, oh, this is a dude thing, because I mean, look at all the stuff I write about. I don't know, Yeah, I don't think it's intentionally like I don't think it's intentionally a cancel.

I don't think it's intentionally a dude thing. I just think it like, I think it just kind of is, like it just kind of is. I don't know, like I'm not saying all tea bag Indiana Jones, but I don't think it's not an exclusive thing. It's kind of a lame thing. It's just like it's beil jerk, Like I know why women don't like the Three Stooges.

I fucking love the Three Stuges. They're not funny that I hate so like that they're funny. I love the Three Stooges. Are you kidding? Actually?

And that's and that's in my family. My mother Legit was banned from watching as a child because she was giving her right teas those three into this movie, and I think we would have had a much better time with some actual slap stickery. Oh my god. Yeah. If you take the energy of disorder in the court and put it in this movie Holy Moses, then you'd have a fucking not Holy Moses, the bad movie.

I mean, holy shit, you would have had a great comedy and needing that. Chris, you're not doing the Pirate movie. No, he missed out on the worst of the worst, man, I mean you've seen Polansky's Pirates, man, Like, oh yeah, oh this, Oh no, okay, look this is better than Polansky' Spirates yellow Beard. Is this movie you think so? Yes?

Yeah, yess is be utiful. Yeah, but it doesn't have all the good people in it, though, Like, this is a waste of time for a lot more people than Polanski's kind of But I will take whatever amount of Graham Chapman the movie wants to give me in this case, Like, I think that's more of a good spending of time. But if you want to see the worst of the worst, see the Pirate movie. That's worse than Polanski's. It's a nineteen eighty three New Wave adaptation of uh yeah, yeah with Christy McNichol and you know, boy, oh yeah, if if if you want to, yeah, you want to talk about rape in they raped the Pirates of Constants.

Wow, that bad. It's bad especially, it's real bad. Well, and like because if you see clips of like the Broadway adaptation that was huge at the time, where you have like Kevin I think it's Kevin Klein and and that looks really good, and Kevin Klein's like this, I mean's Kevin Klein's charismatic, he's funny, He's a really good actor. And then it's like, no, let's and the ron stats and that, yeah, oh gosh, she wasn't that. Yeah, but you know, like you're you're switching Kevin Klein and I try think who plays the cod piece dude?

And pirate forget? I mean, look, he did a fine job, but he's not. Is it like a tiger head? It's it's a lot, it's a lot sort of animal. I guess I must have missed out on watching this movie.

It's sounds like it. God, I love you know. When we talked about Polanski's Pirates last week, Spencer said, hey, at least you'll have fun with yellow. I feel like, you know the answer. I had fun talking about with you guys, obviously as always, but I know now why it's kind of treated the way that it is, because it's it's a weird it's it's it's it's a weird confluence of lots of good people and nothing for them to do.

And you get this, and like movies like this exist all the time. People are always trying to figure out what's what's the funniest thing we can do? Put a bunch of funny people on screen. Not necessarily the case. Sometimes funny people are funny because they're funny, and they surround themselves with a bunch of straight men who can, you know, work off of their jokes or their laughs.

You know, having three hundred comedians in a room, you're just gonna have three hundred people talking really loud, all trying to fight for air. But it's not even that. If it were that it might and that might even be somewhat entertaining to see a movie just fall apart because everybody's trying to vie for that little bit of food off the plate because they weren't given anything, but a half of everybody's just fucking sleepwalking. They're all hungover. Fuck men.

I don't want you guys, do only want to be doing this. I want to do the part after this though, the part, the fact that there's a movie at all is an achievement. It's not a good So I had their final thoughts on yellow Beard shiploads of laughs? Uh did you say shitloads of of of shit? Oh?

That there's some laughs. Honestly, I've seen worse movies. I don't want to be I don't be telling me there there there are far worse movies than this. But uh, I would say, unless you're just like a really hardcore completest of either pirate movies or any of the people in it, you avoid it. There are so many better comedy movies.

There's so many better movies you could watch that have any number of these people in it. So that's my that's my final thoughts them alone. Um So this mom I was ten, and there's a moment where the yellow Beard has met his son for the first time, and yellow Beard's mapped his tattooed on the Sun's hand and he's tells him that he's going to have to cut his head off to take it with him because can't be bothered with bringing the sun along. And uh and he says, well, it's you can't take my head. It's going to putrify And he says, uh, you know it's gonna go rotten.

He says, yeah, it'll ooze a lot, you know. But uh, but I could live with that right. For some reason my tenth year old mind that that really disturbed me, the idea that that head was going to be oozing as it was decaying, and yellow Beard is perfectly okay with taking it with him. That's what I take away from this movie. Ultimately, an oozing head of a once good thing.

That's that's what Beard is to me. That's poetry, This slam poetry moment brought to you by fought him alone. I love that. I'm kind of jealous that was I don't want to change my answer now, yellow Beard, Beard of yellow saber in his hand, Professor rape. That shouldn't be so funny.

But the way you say that is, oh, dearie, dear, well, what do I think about about a film like this? Uh? You know, there comes a time in every podcaster of films life when they sit down and they wonder to themselves. Is this the end for me as a podcaster? And did this movie push me over the metaphorical edge into the abyss of just I've given up on doing this and this movie.

We're not anywhere close with this, thankfully. Wow, the two of you had you go in for a moment, What the fuck would I walk into? Very apocalyptic, my friend, But you know like this this month is it? Well a lot of a just watch Red State that's pretty apocalyptic and Knock at the Cabin that's pretty apocalyptic too. Uh, the end times are not nigh.

But if this is the end all be all for your comedy stylings of these people together on screen, which for the most part it was, this is the one of the few times all of these people are ever on screen together, then yeah, this is an apocalypse level bad movie, only because, like Heather said at the top, like you've mentioned Father Malone, the script waste everybody time, waste everybody's time. And there's a funnier movie here because Graham Chapman is in that movie almost because he doesn't want to play by the rules of the people who were writing his script over and over again. He somehow managed to keep his character intact throughout the entire movie, and that in and of itself is impressive. But to both of y'all's points, there is there is not much left here.

This is in a lot of ways a shell of a movie with a whole lot of just Hey, look at all the funny people that we got together, just dancing for you. But ultimately it shares more in common with Pirates of the Caribbean the Ride than it does the movie because it's just window dressing. I mean, there's no pirrating in this movie outside of Graham Chapman's character that's actually pirates stuff. It's just I don't know this one guy who's not actually a pirate going to find treasure while his pirate father does everything for Wow. What a film.

So on that note, we'll take a break and we'll play a TV spot for the next movie for Pirate Months, which is shaping up to be something we'll probably never do again. It was a busy year for Fully Hayes and from the Reverend Naty, I've had dinner with a kid. They fell off a bridge, took to the air and took on the German Nady have the time of your life with nat and Hayes, You're gonna like it rated PG. That's right on the second last Culture cast of March. Thank god this month is short.

We'll be talking about Savage Islands and I'll be joined by everybody's favorite Dick, Richard HadAM. Until then, Heatherwhere could people find you on the internet? Well, on the internet, which is a series of tubes, Thank you, Albert Moore. You can find me over my website Mondoheather dot com, where I write all kinds about groovy movies that aren't illobeard music, esoteric sundrys. You can also find me on my Patreon, where you get sneak peeks into such articles as well as other assorted benign goodies, and I acquirse them on Twitter and Instagram under at Mondo Heather.

What about you, yellow beard um Weirdingwaymedia dot com. At the top of the show, you mentioned way too many shows. They're all there Weirdingwaymedia dot com. If you want to see my cuckoo visual bullshit, go to father Malone dot com. And That's where I'm at.

Oh can I plug? But it's uh because this is going to air sooner than later, rights like tomorrow? Sweet okay? Perfect. Please please check out the latest episode of Noise Junkies.

So we're found them alone and myself and HP talk about some of our favorite and not so favorite soundtracks. So if you love film, you love music, and you love us, and why wouldn't you because we are lovely, lovely folks with big hearts and don't ripe anybody. It's true. We are not academics of sexual assault, no sir or ma'am. No, we are the Noise Junkie Please listen.

I don't know you follow that, but I'm gonna try to. You can find me at weirdingwaymedia dot com, where, like Father Malone said, I do a lot of shows. But boy, let's just leave it at that. Let's not try to count, but let's mention some other shows like dark destinations, like Twisted and Uncorked too, women who are much funnier than well pretty much anybody else I know for the most part. Their Las Vegas information may or may not be correct.

Yeah, but that's okay. Las Vegas is on Mars right. No, no, no, the show is good. Show is good. It's Father Malone approved.

There it is. But yeah, that's where you can find all of that stuff and more, and yeah, Patreon, dot com, slash culture cast, all the places you can go to help us financially. But hey, just go on over to iTunes or wherever you get the show and like, rate and review because that helps us out the most. Heather, father alone, thank you both so much for joining me. I wish the movie had been better, but it wasn't.

Wait one last thing. This movie features the scene where James Mason esteemed actor James Mason others the line that Selah has tits. That was a wonderful James Mason. Thank you. I just want to get my James Mason on record before I die.

That was beautiful. And as always, father alone, what is the porn parody title for this film? See? I guess? Yeah, I even I waited.

I waited as long as I could. You thought I forgot you, thought you thought I forgot you. We were here at the precipice, and yet I put one. Give me a moment of your time, sir, what's the question? What is the porn parody title for Yellow Beer Professor Rape?

Yeah, it's pretty good, Heather, what about you? I hate myself Yellow Pubes, I love it. That's a good one. It's and it's she's a real saucy pirate. And she's got the little smoke in.

Yeah, because that points yellow gird has a little smokies. It is curls. She's got little smoky pubes. Oh my god, yes, yeah, yeah, it's um itself. I know, I know, it's uh and it's uh.

It's really good. Also the map, the map is tattooed on a different head that I would watch. This is speaking of all. This is all that's right. The little eagle talents on his nuts.

Yeah, it's a weird, dude, you said weird. I said amazing. So my my title is perfect. It's a it's got a colon in it, of course it does, yea. And while they're done, there may not be much of a colon left.

It's round beard colin a shitload of ass. And you can see Father Malone. He's shaking his head at me. We're ending like maybegan boy logic, how dare you you're part of this fraternity? I prefer to you.

I prefer peep and poo. Okay, that's all right. I'm sparked here. McCay and kirk over there, you know better than us. And as always will We'll catch you on the next episode.