106.1: Treevenge of Six to Eight Black Men

Merry Christmas! Dinner with Bob! The following feature has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. It is intended for mature audiences and parental discretion is advised. Our nuclear reactor.

Pumping out one million kilowatts of power. It comes along just once a year. On winter's wings, December's rear. Ah, humbug faces commandeer. And then appears a perfect Christmas time.

All the world assembles its pieces. Grandmothers, nephews and nieces. With everyone, the joy increases. Get behind the perfect Christmas time. What's up and welcome to Movie Meltdown.

I am Brian. I'm Greg. I'm Marlena. And welcome to Movie Mountdown's Fuck Me Santa Holiday Special. Fuck me Santa, fuck me Santa, fuck me Santa.

Wow, I didn't know it had a special name. Oh, it's special, as we always are quite special. Oh, so wonderful holiday times. Yay, it's snowy outside. Yeah, it actually is here and it's freaking cold and we're all really annoyed by it. the background yeah which doesn't even work actually so we're also taking donations to keep us from freezing to death because it's usually about 40 degrees in here most of the.

Time it was 55 when i got. In that's because i've been running it all day plus two space heaters just to get it up to 55 right sad is what. It is that's not an exaggeration it really was. 15 degrees and again i've been running it all day we. Can see our breath yeah you'll hear me coughing throughout.

The episode is what it is So while we're on the holiday topics, yeah, this one I just wanted to throw out there. OK, people in the world out there, you can stop with your funny winter hats. I get it. Is it just me? I mean, I've seen them in years past, but all of a sudden this year it is. rampant it is just overrun every dork who thinks they're cool is wearing a hat that looks like a moose or has ears on it and they look like a giant cat or has giant ear flaps in his plaid and they look like they're pretending like it's a halloween costume that i'm a lumberjack and they're so exaggerated and over the top and is it just me or is everybody saying.

These I think they're... I've seen them on children. No, that's the sad part. I would have no problem with them on children. In fact, actually, I almost stopped that kid the other day because he went by.

His was a normal hat, but on it, it had an embroidered robot. I was like, dude, you are cool. Where can I get a big version of that hat? That's awesome. I got a little strawberry hat. for my niece it's real cute to hit everyone like stops her and wants to like be like oh that's so cute and it is cute it's damn cute.

Does it say like very cute on it no it's just. A strawberry not sponsored by strawberry shortcake. It smells like strawberries. I don't know. I've noticed that a lot lately.

That's the thing. If it was kids, I'd be like, well, whatever. You're not even to blame. Your mom's put that on you. Or sometimes kids just like to randomly wear goofy costumes out in the public.

I kind of like that on kids. You know what? These people are in their 20s. You're not a kid anymore. You're not that cool, I hate to tell you.

Well, they have those hats that are now, it's like a hat scarf mittens combo for adults. It'll be like a panda hat. And it's like a scarf, and then it's got a little panda face to it. See, I think that's part of the problem, is it's hit that point. Because we saw that on the way back from when we went to Horror Hound, when we hit the wonderful mall.

Yeah. There wasn't really anything in that mall. It kind of sucked. No, that mall was awesome. The Florence Mall?

Whatever you say. I didn't buy nothing. Well, it's mostly girl stuff. And I had no money. That was the.

Most exciting mall trip I've ever had. Yikes. I keep thinking, like, every weekend, I'm like, fuck, I need to go back to Florence. Go to H & M and, like. Florence Mall, that's where it's at.

Whatever. But that's when I saw that it hit, because again, I think I've avoided malls the rest of this year so far. So I think that was the first time I'd seen those hats and those level of dorky hats had hit super mainstream. I've seen people for years now kind of making hand-knitted versions that were kind of crossing over into the dorky territory. But now that they're mass marketed and you could get them in five different shops in that mall, I was like, okay, Now it's gone too far.

It's way too popular. And then after that, I've seen 20 people wearing something equally as ridiculous in the last several weeks. So, yeah, I don't know. I'm all for people being able to dress however they want and do whatever they want, but I just don't get it. They're overly dorky.

Just buy yourself a toboggan. I don't know what you're going for. I think anything goes if you're cold, but if it's your only option. animal faces? I mean, to me, that seems like a very free plan. No, I'm not advocating them.

I'm not advocating them. I'm just saying, I've worn some pretty dorky looking things out in the bitter cold, but that's just because I'm mixing and matching to stay warm you know again planning on looking like. An idiot that'd be different if we were like in the wreckage of a plane crash and i was about to eat one of them anyway i probably wouldn't call them out for having a funny hat but just i mean this was not like they were out in the bitter cold they walked from their car into the building you know from five feet away so it's like no you were wearing that because you're trying to get attention basically But maybe that's just me. Hey, if you guys listening, if you're one of those people that have one of those hats, let us know why.

Are you actually getting your fulfillment out of it, or are people actually commenting and being like, wow, that's an awesome hat? Maybe so. Maybe I'm just missing the boat. Wouldn't be the first time. Well, yesterday I was at Bingo, and there was this lady wearing.

Wearing this very bold graphic print muumuu, and she had this little hat that was like a horsey, I guess. It had the little eardrums, but it had a mane, and then she had rain boots on. See what I'm saying? That's too much, man. The people that go to bingo, they're not trying too hard.

They're just... They're clueless. They're crazy old ladies is what they are. I've seen crazy old ladies at bingo so... ensconced in whatever they're doing that they can't even wipe their nose. It's like dripping from the tip of their nose.

I used to work bingo as a kid at church. Yeah. Or they can't tap the ash off their cigarette. That's bad. They might miss, you know, a number.

One letter. Yeah. I love that. Serious, serious people play bingo. Don't mess with them.

I know. I've never, ever won at bingo. Ever. I try to stay away from bingo. I fucking love bingo.

Love the shit out of bingo. So, yeah, that was my winter-related complaint. Does anybody else have any before we get into our geek week? I get sick of the constant... Same thing within the summer, though, is the constant need for... some people to express to everyone it's cold outside really it was 15 fucking degrees outside you have to tell me it's fucking cold my heater's on i've got a blanket on don't tell me it's cold outside.

It's just bullshit i mean it's what people do they also and i go through this all the time when people are like hey how's it going how are you and i'm like you don't really care because because certain people i'll be like you know what and i'll tell them i'll unload on them and i'll be like well you know what actually and then they're like i just want to just say fine So, yeah, it's just sort of the bullshit conversation that people make for no good reason. So, yeah, weather, how you doing, how's the kids? I don't know. Nobody really cares about any of that shit. It's what we do.

Anything else? No. No weather-related complaints here. Mine was fashion, actually. Slash weather.

Seasonal fashion complaints. Nothing else. All right. Then we can roll on into this week's and several weeks back. Cause it's been a while since we've actually sat down here in the, uh, makeshift studio here.

So it's, yeah, it's been a while. So we probably got some good buildup going here. So no idea. Yeah. See, luckily I didn't do anything.

So I, at least we, you know, I've at least had a chance to sit down and watch a few things. So the, the most, uh, important of which, especially since it just happened yesterday was the, the wrap up of Dexter, uh, which I guess, have you not seen it? I haven't seen the current season. Then I won't go into it in depth, but it's pretty awesome. I've been pretty impressed with this season, and a lot of people have issues with it because they don't like the new characters.

It is funny, up to season three, it was just all about him and the regulars, and by the time they hit four and they brought in a huge name like John Lithgow, it was like, okay, now it's a big deal to be the guest star in Dexter. So he was such a big deal that now it's like, Once he's not on the show in the next season, they had to replace him, and they couldn't even replace him with, like, one. There are, like, three people this time that are, like, their new guest stars. There's probably people fighting to be on this. Yeah.

I mean, it's such a huge cultural thing now, and it's got such a following. And they're all so devoted that even if you just get kind of tied in, yeah, you can kind of bank on that for Rick. for the rest of your career possibly so yeah i actually like again i wasn't thrilled with the actress i don't know i was questioning the choice when they brought in the new actress for this season she actually did a good job um i won't go too far into because a lot of people were pissy yesterday because people were already posting how it ended online and people were. Really pissy about how it ended last year. Yeah, same thing. And I'm like, well, if you don't like it, don't watch it.

Stay off the internet. Right. I don't know. There's a way to avoid getting information about Dexter. Don't look up Dexter.

Well, not necessarily because on any of the feeds, any of your Facebook and Twitter feeds, people are like, oh man, I can't believe he got shot in the head. Thanks for fucking blowing it for me. So, which is not actually how. The shower at the end of the season oh my god it was a dream the whole series was a dream so. If only that was the first time that's happened so yeah it actually i liked as it went on i actually liked what they did with this new character i like how they progressed and the relationship that actually kind of builds between them and i think it's it's probably one of the most impressive things i've seen especially from from him from dexter it's like it really gives him a whole new side to his character that I've never seen him tap into before.

So it was kind of interesting, actually. I liked what they did with that. I actually liked the other two. They bring in Peter Weller, who is pretty awesome, which I cannot get back to on another one of these. Yeah, he was another one of those that they brought in.

He's just entertaining. Like, he's so good. And this one, he's like a sleazeball, and he, like, just goes with that. And he totally delivers on that. Johnny Lee Miller's worked in, who is awesome.

He's in his fancy business suit the whole time. He's looking, yeah, he's looking cool. And he does another good performance. So pretty much all of the people they brought in are really solid, so. If you haven't seen it, yep.

I think it's definitely worth watching, but that's definitely up for argument because people were kind of pissy about the whole new direction. The one thing I will say is it doesn't veer off once it goes in the storyline. Especially in the old episodes, they would have those one-off shows where it would just be about one person and he would take care of that, and then it would go back. There was still the overall story arc and main things that were going on throughout the whole season, but... It would take turns here and there and do the one-off stories and then come back to the main story down the road.

Like X-Files. Like X-Files used to always do that. It was the big government conspiracy was the main thing, and then there'd be a Monster of the Week episode. So they had that too. His was just the Psychopath of the Week, and he went and took care of him, and then it came back to whoever the main villain of the season was that year.

This year didn't really do that. The second episode in, I thought that's what they were doing. I thought this guy that they bring in is sort of their Psycho of the Week, and they were going to take care of him. And as it goes on... It ends up just following, you know, you go down the rabbit hole at that point, and everything that takes place after that is part of this one big story.

Sounds like good writing, though, that season does that. Again, I liked it. I liked where it went. But again, a lot of people had problems with this new character they brought in, so that's what pisses them off about the entire season is nothing but about. This new character.

Some people might have issues with that. I always complain about shows that obviously don't really have a logical next step like prison break or something like that. Not that I've seen prison break, but you can only have prison break for so fucking long. You would think, but yeah. How many seasons?

At least two or three. Well, they like broke out of prison and didn't they try to break back into prison? Yeah, it's something crazy. Sometimes you have to do that. My point is, you know, if you don't like your series... changing so that it can run longer, then just watch the old episodes and shut up.

Because I want it to be exactly the way it used to be. Then just watch them on DVD. Now you can have that. But things have to change to move a story along. And eventually everything has to have some kind of ending or some kind of development in your character.

Sometimes they just take a huge left turn. I was thinking this because now they've started running the reruns of My Name is Earl. And you get to that season in the prison. And I'm just like, wow. I mean, it is just far and away from every other season of that show.

It's its own thing. And it's like, I guess if you're on board with that, you're okay. If you like the old show, you're kind of screwed because they don't really get back to that. And I think I kind of quit watching around there. And it wasn't even because I was mad.

I think they just switched the schedule or something and I fell out of it. But it's funny when I go back and I'm like, did they even resolve that story? It's like, I don't know. It took such a weird turn. that you don't even you know it's not even the same show. Almost I've only ever watched it in syndication I've seen probably most of the episodes in syndication now so I you're so out of time sometimes with those that I don't really know where that whole thing but yeah definitely I know there definitely is a difference I don't even know if Maybe those episodes aren't even on syndication yet.

I'm not sure. I think maybe they're just coming on because I just saw one this week and I was like, oh, yeah, I forgot about the prison season. And it's like it's the whole run of the season. Like it's a big turn in that storyline, which. Again, is a much sillier plot line, but I still think the writing on that was genius.

I think some of those are the best developed characters I've seen on TV in a long time. Crab Man is awesome. Darnell rocks. My mom loves that show. I think we've discussed the fact that she doesn't get the irony.

No, she doesn't. It's a slice of life. They're shooting this next door at the other trailer. I was watching this, or I saw the DVD set at Target, and I was like, I was trying to explain to someone, I was like, this is mine and my mom's man. She'll call me and be like, our man's on TV.

Or I'd be in the other room and she'd text me and be like, our man's on TV. And I'm just like, I don't like sharing a man with my mom. Really creepy. But if he was in the room. I'm not saying, you know, if he still had the mustache, sure.

Right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. So, yeah, but. I guess back to the Dexter setup where we veered off from.

The only other thing I was going to say is I've always been impressed with it, but I will give it credit because it's held up. It's done this impressively all along, but it's still doing it. I don't think there's any show or even movie really that ratchets up the tension like it does. I've just noticed it in these last two seasons. It's uncomfortable sometimes.

You're just like, holy shit they're gonna get busted and one part of it is just good writing and it really is tight and they do make sure that all these elements are there to create the tension but on top of that i'll also give them credit for writing because sometimes they just say fuck it and you know it's one of those oh they're gonna get out of it oh it's gonna go back to the way it was and sometimes it's not sometimes they just turn around and off somebody or he ends up killing somebody that's a regular cast member or you know it's like it really does like they don't you know shy away from those changes that really could be monumental. They, they've done that before. So now that you're on season four and five, you're like, okay, uh, they could do something like that.

So who the hell knows where they're going to go with this? I think it also adds another level of uncomfortableness where you're just like, fuck, what the hell's going to happen now? So I, I give him credit. It's, it's still really impressive to. Watch as far as I'm concerned, but that sounds, I mean, again, I've not, I've always been very interested in it and not had a chance to watch it, but that whole premise of the fact that, uh, main character can die that's to me that ups the stakes and that's why it makes it more realistic because so many shows well at least I know these eight people are still going to be okay and things are going to go on next week But if somebody dies, that throws your whole world out of order.

It's like the Harry Potter thing. Right. Or, I mean, if anything, yeah, watch some more Joss Whedon. Because Joss is not afraid to fucking kill a regular. Which, I mean, and out of nowhere.

Like, it's not even a big monumental episode. Midway through the season, sometimes you're just like, shit. Did they just die? Like, wow. So, yeah, anybody who writes that way and, you know, kind of breaks the conventions of TV...

That's why I don't watch a lot of TV, because most of it is boring, and it does wrap itself back up in 30 minutes or 60 minutes, and everybody that's in the opening credits sequence will be back next week. Full house. No matter what, everyone's going to be okay at the. End of the day. Other than that episode where Grandpa died.

A few episodes of Friends might have been a lot more interesting if they'd have just offed a few people. Off Joey. Midway through. Oops. I don't know which person I'd pick, though.

Ross. Ross. I'd have killed that fucking monkey on the first episode. Oh, man. Oh, snap.

Not that I want to get into Friends. Yeah, really. We already made a Friend reference once before the episode. But we were making fun of Friends, so it's okay. Right.

Oh, Lord. So yeah, just to run through some of the other stuff. I did watch Zodiac. Everybody continually over the last, because somehow I'd avoided it. And I think it was one of those that totally was under the radar, because I think it was like a year after it came out before I even knew it was a Fincher movie.

I was just like, wait, he did another movie? When the hell did this happen? So it must have not done anything at the box office, or I just didn't have any money to go to the movies for a long time there or something, because it was totally off the radar. So I've heard a lot about it in the last few years, and I finally went back, and everybody that talked about it, the only term they used was procedural movies. Everybody that talked about it used the term procedural.

And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Stop saying that. And then I watched it. And about two hours in, I'm like, holy shit. You might as well.

Have just broken out the case files and just read the case files. It would have been more captivating. Yeah. I mean, it's not like he doesn't do a good job on it. But it really is like hardcore, sticking to the facts, not cutting out a lot of stuff.

I mean, it's almost a two-and-a-half-hour movie, I think. It's really long. Yeah. What I guess was interesting, and usually I know a good amount about serial killers because I'm a psycho, but for some reason I guess I didn't know that much about Zodiac because I had no idea it spanned so much time. I mean, it goes on all the way up into, like, the early 90s.

They're still talking about him, so... It's amazing how far, you know, what this started. It would go through, like, dry spells where he would just disappear for later. They would find out very specific reasons sometimes. I like that he would kill people in the middle of the day and they, like, never could figure out who it was.

Yeah. And, like, there was no real pattern at all. Like, it was just like, here's a couple, here's a couple, here's a random guy. Like, okay. And then it would be in totally different cities.

And it's like there really was no logic to it. It was just he was crazy and he wanted to kill people. So, you know. There's a psychopath for you. So that one's interesting.

I would almost be willing to most of these. I watched these. I'm like, yeah, that would be good to sit down and watch for the show. So any of these you want us to come back to, I'll do a light version of. And yeah, one of the other ones was mind warp.

I'm assuming nobody's seen it. Well, nobody here, you guys out there might be super hardcore and have already seen it. It was one of those. I thought I knew of at least if not seen, but at least knew of every movie that Bruce Campbell was in and, This was on the little cable setup, and I'm going by, and I'm scrolling down, and I'm like, Mind Warp? What the hell?

And I'm kind of probably mixing it up with Brain Scan and all these other weird movies that came out. Mind, Brain. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's so many of them that are sort of a version of that title. Some change both ends of the word, and you've got a whole new title.

So I'm thinking it's one of those maybe, and then I see the cast is Bruce Campbell and And then Angus Scribb, the tall man from Phantasm. Oh, yeah. So he's in it, too. And I was just like, what is this movie? And it's like mid-90s, like early mid-90s.

And I'm just like, that's right at the point where he was getting kind of, you know, that was post-Army of Darkness. So it's like he was kind of making a name for himself, at least in the geek circle. So I'm like, that's weird. So I went ahead and I was like, okay, I'll watch it. I was not prepared for how weird it is.

It is post-apocalyptic Bruce Campbell. Um, it's also got some sort of weird future society where everything takes place in their mind and they're like hooked into a machine all day. And then there's this other crazy subplot once they get out in the world where there's like this other underground society that store like just basically fucking cannibals and they're trying to, you know, run everything with what's left in the wasteland. So it's, It's a weird movie. It's another one, yeah, I would be up for watching, but I'm not sure if anybody would like it.

It's a weird movie. It's entertaining if you like Bruce Campbell, but it's pretty silly. I don't know. Oh, moving on. I also watched Screamers this week.

It's another one I sort of just passed over for years there and knew, again, Peter Weller. I knew Peter Weller was in it. That was really all I knew. It was sort of sci-fi horror and I had Peter Weller. That's about as far as I ever went with it.

I probably saw the trailer. When it was new. I liked it a lot more than I expected. Have you seen it, either of you? No.

It's... I mean, some of. It was. It's still a little dated at this point. You know, effects-wise, you can tell there's some things that are a little cheesy.

But I will give them credit for, like, set decoration and, like, set design because it's another one that's sort of... Well, it's on a different planet and sort of post-apocalyptic, so... The set design on it, I mean, they go into some of these cityscapes and they're walking through this wasteland and it all looks good. Like it almost looks like a really well-budgeted movie. And then midway through, I'm looking at some of the other stuff.

I'm like, this is like a B movie, really. It's like the biggest name and it's Peter Weller, you know? So it's like, it's not like it's a huge budget movie, but I think it's pretty entertaining for what it is. Once you get into what these screamers are, because I went in with a very different idea of what I thought was going on with that. I think it's almost a more interesting story the way it goes with it, really.

I thought it was just going to be sort of an aliens ripoff on an alien planet kind of thing, but it's very different. It gets into a very different, into the future politics and whatnot. Yeah, a whole other subplot. But it's no Avatar, right? I don't know.

I've avoided that one. I'm not watching no damn Avatar. Oh, so yeah. Watching the pan and scan just for spite. Non-3D pan and scan just to fuck with James Cameron.

Sounds good to me. Let's see. Yesterday they were running Star Trek The Motion Picture. Oh, wow. On regular cable.

Yeah. Which is one I'd seen like years ago. Like when I was a kid, I saw it and I was just like, maybe I'm just because I'm a kid, but I'm bored by this. Because you're a kid. You have a short attention span.

You get kind of bored. And over the years I've heard people say it's really slow, but yeah, it's pretty slow. And granted that's early for them. I mean, they're just coming out of like 2001 era. I mean, it's, it's sort of like them going in between 2001 and Star Wars, you know, it's like them trying to counteract both of those because you've got a lot of long drawn out space shots, a lot of the ship going around this corner and around into this thing and into something or other.

And I'm just like, You guys have some fancy special effects. I know it was a big deal at the time. So I give them credit that they were showing off what they could do. You know, at that point in time, you kind of need to do that. But looking at it now, I'm like, oh, my God, you could cut a half hour out of this easily.

The story is interesting. The only thing I'll say is Leonard Nimoy comes off like a jackass. Like, it's weird. I mean, he found this really fun version of Spock in the TV show. And then by the time you come back to him in like the later movies, because I watched the later movies like a million times.

This was like the one for some reason I skipped over. when I kept rewatching all the other ones, but he finds this really fun version of himself where he does make sort of the, the goofy human side of him and the, you know, the straight laced Vulcan version. Right. And this one, he's just a jerk. Like he just comes, like he, he doesn't say anything, not even like Vulcan. Like if you've seen all these other versions of people trying to pull off Vulcan, he just seems like a jackass.

And he's like almost trying to screw up the mission. Or at least he seems like they put the spin on it. Like, some sort of sinister plot. Like he's there to, you know, to stab them in the back and do his own thing, which I don't know. Doesn't he do that a lot of the time?

And it only then occurred to me, they're kind of ripping off this movie and their other movies. It's like parts of it end up back in four and six. There's like, or no five. There's like the end of five, sort of like this for the basic setup sort of comes around. So I don't know.

I mean, they kind of ripped themselves off time and time again and, Which is sad because they only had a run of, you know, it's not like they had 20 or 30 movies. They only had like eight. I don't know. It depends on which ones you count. Which ones, yeah.

I don't even count the last one. So six, really, as far as I'm concerned. But yeah, the funniest part, and again, this was me playing Mystery Science Theater at home. They're in a scene towards the end, and they're all wearing their fancy leisure suit outfits that they had in that version. The motion picture had those weird outfits that they never came back to again.

So they're all on the deck wearing those outfits, and they're like, all right, well, we've got to go out to meet whoever or whatever. If you've seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about. But then the next scene, it cuts to them, and they're all wearing these fancy outer space coats, I guess. Right. So I'm just picturing the scene before.

Okay, kids, put on your space coats. It's going to be chilly out in the Nexus. Maybe that was just me, but I was really fucking amused by that. They had it in their budget that they, you know, well, we got these coats. We got to use them.

Everybody put them on. They were like Starfleet issue because they all matched. You know, they were all fancy space coats. And I was just like, put your space coats on, kids. Maybe that's just me.

I thought it was funny. It's been so long since I've seen that one that I. Yeah, me too. I'll have to. That was the first time I came back to it.

And again, by the end, the wrap-up's an interesting story, but it's slow. I think the only one that I just... always rewatched was the wrath of Khan. I think like anybody else, that's. Yeah, it's the go-to. I mean, it is awesome.

Right. I, again, I'm with the, the theory of every other one. I like voyage home. Yes. It's goofy as hell, but it's a.

Damn entertaining movie. I didn't like Undiscovered Country, and I'm like the only one. Like, nobody liked that one. That was when everybody gave up on that series. I think that's a really interesting storyline that, you know, you can skip five.

Five is kind of a big mess. But, yeah, Undiscovered Country I thought was pretty entertaining as well. So I'll go with every other one theory. I think the Voyage Home I did a book report on in school. There's some interesting stuff going on there.

I could see coming up with some interesting time travel theories. Yeah, it was. I actually, I think I got a pretty, I was pretty young, but I think I got a pretty good grade on it. Awesome. You know.

The only thing I'll round it out with, they were running, just because it's the holiday, you know, the Fuck Me Santa special. They were running It's a Wonderful Life this week. And I just sort of saw part of it. It was just on TV, and it's still amazing. I know it's one of those that people don't like, or many people get an attitude about because it's an old movie or it's a classic movie or, you know.

It's so cheesy. Oh, it's the, it's the cliche Christmas movie, but I'm just kind of like, it was one of those. I didn't watch it for years because of that. I bought into everybody's bullshit. And then finally one year I was like, all right, screw it.

I'm going to watch it. And I was like, Holy shit. This is impressive. It's a really deep movie. It is.

And it's actually one that I'm probably going to come back to eventually. It's a well, not just a good story. It's a well-made movie. That's the part. It's Capra.

I mean, he doesn't skimp on anything. Like, story's amazing. Character development on everybody. There's so many characters. And you feel like they're all real people.

It's not just like these penciled in little, you know, caricatures that town feels lived in. Those people feel like real people. So it's, I've got to give him credit just for that, if nothing else. It's just how well the character development is in the town. Building that environment is just amazing.

It's one that's still impressive to me, even after all these years. It's funny because it's way... I know it's like this happy Christmas movie, but it's way darker than people really like. It's very dark. Really dark.

It's really not even... christmas movie. It just got attached because you know it sort of wraps up around christmas but yeah i mean the whole thing is over years and that's the thing as you look at it it's a pretty realistic version of somebody's. Life i know it's basically about wishing you were dead or like well. It's about wishing you know what you wanted to do with your life as a kid and what really happens to you yeah if you know it's it's a very different thing than what they you would expect on a cheesy holiday. Movie yeah well the part that always stuck with me is the part where it You know, they're going through what would happen if he didn't exist.

And that's really dark. Yeah. And I guess the reason, it's similar to Christmas Carol in a way. Yeah. I think that's why it also gets tied in with.

I always associated it younger, maybe the first few times, because it was always on, well, like anybody, it was always on as a kid around Christmas. I always associated it with almost like an Edgar Allan Poe story. Yeah. It really has that feel. It has that... ambiance just um if you could just ratchet up a few more things yeah and make it a little bit more intense and a little darker it really would feel like a poem i mean not as good not.

As good not as macabre like writing but. Yeah almost more of like a twilight zone like it feels very otherworldly i mean there is that whole angle that yeah i mean and it's around that same time period it's in you know black and white it feels old so you do kind of get that vibe off of it like it's you know you're watching an old twilight zone or something so it yeah I can see that. And once again, there's no, no downside to that. Cause there's another amazingly written TV series. So, but yeah, that was pretty much it for me.

So, okay. So am I, am I up next? Next up. Okay. I've seen a lot, but I'm not going to go into everything.

I'm going to cut touch on some highlights. I did. Cause last time we, I think it was last time I was here. We talked about Harry Potter. I did go see the new episode, the new episode, Deathly Hallows.

Yeah. Um, it, like we had talked about, is they take a lot of time. There were scenes that I thought, I can't believe they're going into the scene. They really don't need to tell a story, but I appreciated that it was there. It takes time and development, and I've not really read anything since I saw it.

I just went out and saw it and tried to stay away from the fan stuff about it. There is one thing that I will recommend to anybody that Maybe hasn't or wouldn't see. I figure if you've seen them at this point, you're going to see it anyway. But the animation, they do an animation sequence to tell the story of the Deathly Hallows. Not that it matters what they are, but it's a story about some brothers that receive some items.

And those are the Deathly Hallows. And it's done as about a seven minute or so animation sequence that just has this Well, it's about death. It's about death trying to cheat these three men. It's just a short story, a short film. If you just submitted that, it would blow everything away.

It's one of the best things that I've seen in a long time. It's worth the price of admission, and I paid matinee prices, but I paid, and I walked out of there thinking, good movie, and there's a great short film right in the middle of it. It's fantastic. Awesome. So whether you're even interested in Harry Potter or not, when it comes out, rent it and just skip to that scene.

I'm sure they're going to have a... A chapter stop. Yeah, it's that good. It really is. We'll stick on an animation theme for now.

I saw two movies. Adam Elliot, Claymation. He's Australian. The one is, it's a short, well, about 20 minutes or so. Harvey Crumpet.

It's about a man that grows up in, I guess he was Polish and gets sent to Australia, but it's just a story about his family. His mother's crazy. His father, I think, was a lumberjack. And everything wrong happens in this man's life. He's just, I think they say, you know, oh, I forget the line at the beginning, but they introduce that, you know, these are those other people that everything just basically goes wrong.

And it's, I sympathize with it. It is. It's one of those things where. You could feel every, if it can go wrong, it will go wrong. And a person that just has, um, every card stacked against them.

And it's not a feel good story. There's nothing about it. That's a feel good story, but there's a lot of humor. There's a lot of emotion. You feel a lot of sympathy and empathy for this character as you go along.

Um, It's amazing to me how sometimes the animation you can almost feel a human connection to more than you can a character. That's how good a writing this is. And again, it's a short, it's a definite watch, I think, for anybody. I'm already forcing it on my wife. And the other is he has a full-length movie called Max and Mary.

And this was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Are these on DVD or online? I saw these on Netflix. So if you have that, you can watch it for free right now. But you can get them on DVD.

I'm going to go out and purchase them. They're that good. Awesome. Max and Mary. I'm going to go over it just a little bit, but I think this could be great for the show.

I think everybody here would love it. She is... a girl in Australia, um, overweight, her mother's an alcoholic, her dad, um, dabbles in taxidermy and you think he's maybe doing unkind things to these animals. He likes these cheery stories. Oh yeah. And I like this guy already.

The, the, uh, uh, Max is, um, uh, obese, very obese, uh, gentleman in the United States with ass murders and can't fit in society at all. Just does not fit in society. Tells the truth about everything. Gets upset about people telling the truth. Well, they happen to end up being pen pals.

It's basically just the series of them two sending their letters back and forth to each other over years. It's... you know it's going there eventually. You have the feeling that it's going there. It's the first time that I've cried watching a movie in years. This isn't just a few tears.

It deeply affected me. It's one of those go out, rent it, Netflix, watch it. It's that good. And just the animation. If you love animation, see it.

But it's a lot of humor. It's dark humor. Don't show it to your kids. It's good to get that in. Not because of the– because it looks like it could be a kiddie movie.

It's definitely for adults. Not that it shows anything. It does show a few things. But just the feeling of it would be a downer for children. But it's– yeah, it's a wonderful movie.

I highly recommend it. I'm not going to go into anything else because I've got– I always say this. I rewatched Punch Drunk Love not too long ago one day and I sat down and I just watched it for the camera work alone. Yeah. And my God, if every person that ever picked up a camera or directed a film tried to do, you know, one twentieth of what they do in that movie, we'd have a much better movies out there.

So anybody out there that's a filmmaker, um, Especially that likes to pick up a camera, watch Anderson's films because, my God, he's fantastic. I'll move on to Marlene, I suppose. All right. Well, I have very opposite spectrums, I guess, concerning movies that I've watched. Let's see, the first one I'll go into, Holy Mountain.

Yeah, I know of that. Right. It was amazing. It was very long. It was visually amazing.

Freaking weird. It made not a lick of sense. Yeah. I really, like, maybe I should have done a bunch of acid or something before I watched it. I think that would just make your head explode.

I know. Probably. Probably. But, I mean, it was. It was just amazing.

I mean, all the work and the money and the effort that went into it for a storyline that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I mean, it does. It's real hard to follow. It's, like, real heady and, like, over. I mean, I'm not, like, a Harvard scholar by any means, but, you know, I think it's one of those movies you have to be a special kind of person to really be able to fully wrap your mind around that.

I don't know. But, I mean, visually it was stunning. It was just. I'm not sure how much anybody really makes sense of it. Everybody I know is just like, oh, it's awesome to look at.

Just watch it. You can follow it to a certain point and then you're just like... And, like, at one point they start introducing all these new characters and, you know, we were trying to deduce what the characters meant or what they... It's very... It's it's all about symbolism.

The movie. Yeah. It was, it was amazing visually. Um, I also watched this movie called The Doom Generation because it had James Duvall, who I love, Rose McGowan. I've heard bad things.

It was terrible. It was the worst movie ever. Sadly, I think that's what I heard from the only other person who ever gave me a wrap-up. Yeah, I hated it. I wanted to like it because the characters seemed kind of cool.

No, no. Did it feel like it was trying really hard to be Pulp Fiction-y? Almost. It came out in that wave of movies in the next couple of years. Yeah.

I remember when I was younger, before Netflix existed, when I first got really into movies, I would rent these weird movies from Hollywood Video. We lived next to a Hollywood Video. I don't even remember the name of them, but they were just weird Generation X 90s movies. They didn't have a whole lot of sense or purpose. They were just like...

Let's be out there, you know? Let's be cool. You know, like, they kind of, like, there's no plot or storyline to speak of. It's just, like, the theme is, like, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Like, you're really tired.

It was, like, two different roads from that point. You had the crime version, which was wannabe Pulp Fiction, or you had the getting laid version, which was wannabe swingers. Yeah. So there were, like, an overrun, the movie theaters, well, more the video stores, because half of it didn't see, yeah, theaters. But.

I remember watching a whole bunch of movies that felt really similar to that. You know, like, and this wasn't in the 90s. This was, like, early 2000s or something. I was just a teenager then. But, like.

They all feel real similar and they're all kind of stupid and just weird. And it's like weird for weird sake, you know? And like, which is, again, it's like the stupid hats. That's what I was going to say. You're just trying too hard to be weird.

Just settle down. That's what it was. And I mean, it had, it had its funny moments or it's good aspects and stuff like that. But you know, it's like at one point you think like, Oh, there's a plot and this is going to go somewhere. But then the movie just ends and you're like, what the fuck?

For real? For real? Are you kidding me? But, yeah, it was just one of those. It wasn't too great.

I also watched Confessions of a Shopaholic. Oh, God. It's weird, she's like in a real movie now. What's the new thing she's in? Because that's Amy Adams, isn't it?

No, no, it's Isla Fisher. See, I can't keep track of them. They're too interchangeable. They both have red hair. One is married to Sacha Baron Cohen and one is not.

What a bad idea. Isla Fisher is the one that is. I can't keep track of those two. And I think there's another actress that's way too close to them that I keep rotating in. Yeah, I used to get them confused too, but after seeing that, I kind of can tell them apart now.

They're both gingers. No, it's the fighter thing I've seen. Amy Adams is in the fighter. And it's, like, a really dramatic role. And I've never seen her do anything but.

Like, silly, goofy comedy. Well, I'm thinking more of, like, what was the Enchanted win or whatever the one where she was, like, the fairytale girl. Oh, yeah, but that, like, was Oscar-nominated, wasn't it, though? I think it got something. Something.

I think it got, like, song or something. There's only so many big musicals. They're going to throw costumes in there. I always think of her in those kind of roles. Seeing her in this gritty drama off in a gym somewhere, it just seems weird.

It got a star and a half on Netflix, but I enjoyed it, mainly because I'm a shopaholic. I was like, oh. Man, I totally relate to this girl. As your mall story earlier just proved. Yesterday, when I got a text message from a friend, they're like, what's up, shopaholic?

I'm like, shut up, I only bought a pair of tennis shoes and a hat. And then later I was like, I just bought eight sweaters. And then today I bought the exact same pair of tennis shoes for a spare. They were on clearance. I think I get physically ill walking into a mall.

I just have flashbacks. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, I'm going to work now. Really? I remember those days.

I don't miss them, really. I'm kind of glad they're gone. I watched Mallrats the other day. It's been 15 years or so since I've seen it. It's so dated.

It's such a dated movie. Yeah, I know. But Jason Lee, callback to earlier in the show, that would be a horrible movie if not for him. Yeah. I mean, The London Boy is annoying as fuck.

Oh, God. I've never seen it. Jason Lee carries that movie on his back from the first frame. I'm just like, everything about that movie that's awesome is Jason Lee. And Ben Affleck being a douchebag.

Because that was the Days of Confused era where he was so good at being a douchebag. Right. Now he's just... Well, actually, people kind of like him again because he's directing, so... He's come back around, but for about 10 years after that, people just hated him as a douchebag in.

The real world. Right. Yeah. Yeah, no, he. Yeah, definitely Jason Lee.

And Shannon Doherty actually... If you forget that she's Shannon Doherty and you just watched the movie, she's actually one of the better actors in the movie as well. She's like, you know, the next step down and then. I mean, she's pretty well practiced. I mean, she started when she was a little kid.

So it's like she should have that part of it down. But it's so funny that you can't separate her, even to the point where they worked the joke into that, which is one of the best moments of the damn movie. But. yeah i it's got so many flaws really it's i love parts of it and there's other parts i'm like oh damn what the hell's going on here yeah so i i still like most of what he does but that one's definitely kind of got a globe. Right right the the definitely my favorite part of the movie is when um Is it Ethan Supley? Yeah.

He looks at the little kid that says, oh, look, it's a schooner. And he goes, you dumb bastard. It's not a schooner. It's a sailboat. That line needs to just be repeated in public as many times as possible.

That's also why I refer to as many people as possible as a stupid head. That's the best kid name calling ever. Stupid head. I'm just like, oh, that's awesome. Yeah.

And what's funny, I just heard Ethan on a show recently. He said he could totally see that schooner. He was just like, oh, yeah. It was a sailboat. I could see it.

She's like, son of a bitch. That's acting. Right. Did you know I heard that Jason Lee is a Scientologist? I think you brought that up in past episodes.

I think that was the first I heard of it. No, I just heard that the other day. It doesn't surprise me, though. It does surprise me. That's horrible.

Why would anyone do that to themselves? Because you're in Hollywood. I guess. That's what happens. You get inducted.

Too bad his characters have more logic than he does. Yeah, quite possible. Especially someone that deals in karma. As for seven years as a TV show, then you're going to be a Scientologist? I should have just been a Buddhist.

Right. You can't go wrong with Buddha. Okay. Sorry to interrupt. It's okay.

I got off during yours. It's normally me. It's all right. It's the holidays. It's okay.

Yeah. Back to Confessions of a Shopaholic. I just think if the world is really fair, I have a shopping problem. Where's my good fucking job and handsome British gentleman? Really?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I have one of those questions later in the show. We'll get to that later. Nice.

I demand it. I mean, I want it. Okay. Give it now. Put the word out, I guess.

If anybody knows the awesome shop for a living job, they also come attached to a handsome British gentleman. Well, she was a journalist. So, yes. Let her know. Handsome British gentleman.

Get a hold of us, and we'll forward it on over to Marlena. I'll get you my number. Although, I must say, this week I did get a text that said, That said, come to the back door. I'm hanging out with Heath Ledger. And I'm like, pretty sure Heath Ledger's dead.

Fake Heath Ledger. We know that guy. Fake Heath Ledger. Fake Heath Ledger. I'm going to call him that to his face.

Hello, fake Heath Ledger. Not even the cool Heath Ledger. The one from 10 Things I Hate About Heath Ledger. Yeah, the one where everybody was like, who's this guy? Get a haircut, dude.

No, he's actually a nice guy. But I'm going to pretend like I don't like him and call him. fake Heath Ledger to his face. Can we get him as a guest spot on the show? Probably. He actually knows quite a bit about movies.

If we could have him. Sit in with the wannabe Corey Feldman, we could get the two of them together and the universe would implode or something. Only if he comes in the Michael Jackson era. Well, you know he will. He loves that one.

Hello, we're hanging out with two dead celebrities. Wait, Corey Feldman's dead? Sure breaking news. I thought it was yeah this just in Corey Feldman career is dead shut up don't tell me I'm so glad Misty doesn't watch this show because I just confused Corey Feldman with Corey Haim. Well I know that Misty doesn't watch.

This show I'm tired this is the latest we've ever done this show damn it that's true oh lord listen listen to this show listen to this show don't you judge. Me She sits at her computer and watches the stream. You can do that. It is online. You can do that.

No, I'm not going to browse the internet. I'm going to watch this stream, damn it. It does move. There's a picture of that episode on there. Stop making fun of me.

Oh, no. Why else do I cut? But, yeah, anyway. What else? What else?

What else? Oh, I watch Grandma's Boy. That's your own fault. I love that movie. Oh, God.

I hate your face. Love that movie. Don't care. Don't care what anyone says. That movie's a stupid hit.

That movie is brilliant. JP is just awesome. I mean, he's the reason I watch the movie. Come on. Also, the grannies.

The grannies are pretty cool. But I watch the first season of Eastbound and Down. I've heard really good things on that. Which is hilarious. Have you ever seen it?

No, I've heard good things, and I know it's Danny McBride, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's got to be fantastic. Oh, it's awesome. It's so funny.

Best quotes ever from that movie. Like, I know you're not a natural beauty, but with the right look and the right clothes, you could be quite striking. Have you seen The Foot Fist Way? Uh-uh. That was before that, wasn't it?

Oh, yeah. It's before he did much of anything. It's one of the funniest movies. It's just him. He's a taekwondo instructor, just a jackass of a taekwondo.

And it is... Which is funny because they go to a taekwondo convention, and it's just a lot like any other convention. You've got all the geeks there, and it's... Probably one of the most quotable movies I've ever seen. He's just spectacular at that.

Yesterday uh as my friend and i were waiting to go pick up her mom and go to bingo we were wondering what do you do when you're waiting to go to bingo. What would you do um crochet. No go to a flea market that is yeah that's what we did we. Went to walmart yeah. We went to a flea market and there was this guy at there's a picture on my facebook any listeners out there who are my friend on facebook um We followed him for, like, 20 minutes because I was like, oh, my God, it's Kenny motherfucking Powers.

And I was, like, snapping photos and sending them to everyone I know. That's, like, an Eastbound and Down fan. I'm like, oh, look at this guy. Look at this guy. He had, like, a curly, like, mullet and a baseball hat.

And, I mean, it was Kenny motherfucking Powers. I mean, I was so excited. We were, like, jumping and laughing. And when he talked, he sounded just like him. And, like, I just wanted to, like... quote kenny powers i mean i bet he probably would have i mean but they.

Once again he probably loves that show and doesn't get the irony right yeah i won't be just like that guy. We wanted to be like oh my god is your name kenny but we were afraid that maybe he'd watched it but i kind of think like he probably hadn't though that's the thing he probably had not watched. It probably be a little more you know full of himself be like are you mistaking me with kenny chesney I get. That a lot. That a lot.

Jackass. Yeah, that was amazing. That was one of the highlights of yesterday. And, oh, I've also started watching this British show called The Inbetweeners. It's really funny.

Is it recent? I think it just ended. They did, like, a few seasons, and it just ended, like, last year. But they're supposed to be doing a movie about it or something like that. Interesting.

Yeah, but it's just about... this kid who he's like awkward and has a hard time making friends and he kind of always puts his foot in his mouth he's like this pretentious little shit and uh sounds like my kind of guy yeah and he has a hot mom that's one of the jokes everyone's like hi your mom is quite fit but um uh yeah it's really funny that's About it. That rounds it up. I've got plenty of other stories, but I guess if I'm going to have a Marlena moment. You're saving up. We need to have just a section that's called the Marlena moment.

Its own separate chapter in the middle of these. It's just like 45 minutes of you rambling crazy talk. Oh, you have no idea. I've got some of the best ever, ever, best Marlena moments ever. Can't wait to share these with you.

All right. Not in the middle of the movie, though. All right, we'll take a break. And with that, I did want to pass along that maybe this is just me being roped in by the corporate America or. Maybe they're just getting better.

But I've noticed this year my favorite holiday music comes from, of all places, commercials. Uh-huh. Everything new that I've heard Christmas-ly that I'm like, you know, that's not bad. They're all on commercials. I'm just like, I don't know if they're getting...

And actually, I do. I think they have gotten better at making commercials. They realize, you know, the horrors that they are. But at the same time, they're like, well, this is still a job. I can still also use a little creativity and, you know, just kind of do something cool with it.

So. Some of them are just impressive visually. Other ones are just they worked in a cool song. So either way, I'll give them credit. So the first half of the show here, I'm just going to work in songs for the holidays from commercials.

So, yeah, I'm not going to plug any of the businesses involved because they have not given us any money and we're freezing here. So screw those guys. But I will play the song. I bit my lip really hard earlier. It hurts.

You should be numb. You shouldn't even be able to feel that right now. I prefer butter to margarine. Frogs. That wasn't random.

It was relevant to me. Who wants to play volleyball? It's not random if it's relevant to me. And this has been another Marlena moment. No, don't.

Don't you dare waste my Marlena moment. Don't you do it. That's like a sneak preview Marlena moment. Okay. Misty, I've got so much funny stuff to tell her.

A slacker she's overwhelmed by the holidays so she wasn't leaving the house as far as. I know is she a holiday elf no. She's kind of anti she's like ready to kill holiday elves basically. I didn't know if she was one of the people that because of her job has a worse. Life yeah she does work non-stop as of this week it kicks in and she doesn't stop working until after christmas is over so no thank you yeah seven days a week every day she's not gonna be in a good mood so it's probably to our advantage that she weren't here this week because she would just be really angry more than usual so you know it's a break for everyone speaking of that we'll take a break and we will be back with the rest of the show. . . .

Charles Dickens finished his beautiful story, A Christmas Carol, with these words. And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us and all of us. And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless us, everyone. Which brings me to the purpose of why I'm speaking to you at this moment.

The management and the staff of this theater have asked me to convey to you their best wishes for a most happy holiday season and a healthy, prosperous new year. And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless us, everyone. The two greatest figures in show business, Bing and Danny, as two ex-GIs who form the perfect partnership. Rosemary and Vera Ellen as the sisters who have them in a spin. With Dean Jagger as the unemployed general they take under their wing.

A wonderful story that will warm your hearts, just as the breathtaking scope of a new screen wonder will widen your eyes. White Christmas in Pista Visions. And you'll fall asleep, counting your blessings. People of Eternia, I stand before the great eye of the podosphere, chosen by destiny by the powers of Lipson. This inevitable moment will transpire before your eyes, even as He-Man himself bears witness to it.

Now I, Baby Skeletor. Am master of the action attraction. Action attraction. Your home for all things action. To find out more, visit metalmikey.lipson.com or search for action attraction in iTunes.

Hello, this is Tom Kane, the voice of the professor from The Powerpuff Girls. And you're listening to Movie Meltdown. Oh, I love it so. Oh, no. What if I don't get my official Red Raider Carbine Action 200 Shot Rage Model Air Rifle?

When Christmas time comes this year. And leaves fall off the trees It's time to spread some Christmas. Cheer Hey. Yeah I didn't know that was like a I wondered if it was a. Real band yeah like all of them like I want to give them credit because it's cool that they're like they're giving away to customers and they're also exposing the band so I mean that's actually cool of them but at the same time they didn't give.

Us any money so screw those guys yeah okay so. Are we back Oh, this is the Marlena moment? Okay, I'm going to sit back and have a snack. Yeah, we do have our snacks, before you get to that. You know, our ongoing series of eating in the middle of our gatherings here, we decided to have our festive, much like we did last year, I had to have some sort of candy.

And then, so we've got our Hershey Kisses. And I was called out last year because it's a Halloween bowl. I was like, all my serving dishes are Halloween. So it's ghost-shaped, and I decided it's the Ghosts of Christmas Past. It is.

There you go. And I brought a cheese ball. You are a cheese ball. You were called out for being a cannibal. I know.

I know. Well, okay. So, this is funny. Should I intro it first? Yeah, okay.

It's time for another Marlena moment. Okay, so last Friday, I'd never been to a strip club before. What the hell is wrong with you? My friends and I decided that it's about time in my life, tender age of 25, to visit my first. This was a girly strip club, right?

Yeah, a female strip club. All right. To visit a strip club, of course. And I'm not into naked women. So we figure, why not make it as horrible as possible?

No PTs, no classy show, no classy gentleman's club. We went to the Rustic Frog. Oh. It's this really gross. New Albany, Indiana.

Yeah. It sounds as frightening as it is. It is. Not that there's that much wrong with New Albany, but it's just. There kind of is.

Yeah. Christy will fight me on that, but I steer clear of it if I can. Yeah. So we went to the Rustic Frog. You know, we teamed up.

It was three gentlemen, three ladies, my friends and I. Tag team. Yeah. Yeah. And we get there, and there's like maybe three strippers running around.

You know, they're not anything. They're not even on stage. They're just running. They're not even on stage. No, literally, one was running.

You have to pay extra. For that usually. Yeah. And, you know, it wasn't bad because I was like worried that they wouldn't have underwear on, and that's gross and horribly unhygienic. That's the other one.

You can't buy booze at those places. Yeah, but they had underwear on, which was nice. They were all horribly unattractive, of course, of course. But so, you know, it's kind of lame. We go upstairs.

We play pool for a while where there's no naked girls. We come downstairs. My friends, the males. are shoving dollars at me. They're like, you need a lap dance! Or, like, not even that.

I guess I technically did in a way. Did you give a lap dance? No, I didn't give a lap dance. You could have, is how it turns out. Yeah, so, you know, whatever.

A stripper, like, danced on me. It was gross. I laughed and was, like, horribly embarrassed. And just felt like that. I felt like I needed to take a shower.

But here's the funny part. So my friend Andrew, he. Ten times worse than Misty. Does not like people with red hair or freckles. Does not like them at all.

This could be fun already. And we notice there's a meth-teeth, flabby, just sweet girl. Sweet girl. Probably has like eight kids at home. That's so sad.

Much love to this poor girl. We're like, let's get Andrew a strip dance from that ginger. So we all pitched in. She drags him off to this little secret room and he's like flipping us off. He's like, I fucking hate you.

You're all dead. I'm going to kill you all. And yeah, so he got a strip dance or a lap dance from this poor stripper who had a body of a 12-year-old boy and red hair and freckles and meth teeth. And meth mouth. Now he knows she's a real woman.

About like two minutes and he's just sitting there like, But his eyes closed, looking nauseous. And she's like, this isn't really doing anything for you. And he's like, I'm sorry, no. And she's like, well, it's only my third day. He was like, oh, well, I can't tell.

And so she just stopped and sat next to him. And she's like, so what do. You do for a living? He's like, oh, I do taxes. They're reenacting a scene with Natalie Portman from Closer.

Yeah, kind of. At any point did she start crying? Right. Because you know the rule. Maybe after...

That dance is always better than the stripper's crying. Dance straight. Yeah, no. No, there was no crying. From her.

From Andrew, yes. Well, he was asking for it, though. Her, no. Going to a strip club. What did he...

Oh, oh. Naked girls. Actually, I realize this is a three-part Marlena moment. Uh-oh. But earlier in the week, I had gone to a different, just a regular old bar.

A different strip bar. Just a regular old bar with my friends, Andrew and Ben. And Ben and I were standing at the bar. We look over at Andrew. There's this extremely large, older, much older lady, missing teeth, giving Andrew a lap dance.

And we're just laughing. And he's like, oh, God. And she's, like, holding him by his shoulders. And, you know, we could have went and, like, tried to help him, but it was just too funny. So he started videoing it on your phone.

Should have. We should have. You really should have. And, uh. And Ben was like, I'm pretty sure she was making out with a girl earlier.

And I was like, oh, two for one Tuesday at the lighthouse. So we go over to Andrew, and he was like, my leg is hot and wet. And he was just so freaked out. He was like, she held me down and stared me in my eyes. It was terrible.

And she just wouldn't leave us alone. Like, you know, I went off and started dancing, doing my thing. And I sat back down at the table, and she tried to, like, get to Andrew again so I stood in between her like I was like talking to him she grabbed me by my waist and started spanking me and instead of him helping me I guess he was paying me back he just laughed at that point sure and then you know she wanders off and makes out with like the person that she's with and the other person that she's with and the other person that she's with this is a classy gal yeah she was extremely classy and then she comes back to our table and sits down and takes our beer pitcher and starts chugging from our beer pitcher and she like spills it all over and burps really loudly.

And then she looks over at Ben, and I guess she hadn't noticed him before, and she was like, Hey! You're really sexy. You're so sexy. And she's trying to rip his coat off. And he's like, no, no, this is a wool coat.

Ma'am, please stop. Please stop. She's like, shut your fucking mouth. This is a classy lady. Awesome.

Wasn't that in Blue Velvet? Kind of, but they weren't still in the bar. At that point, they'd gone back to Herblades. Shut your fucking mouth. Don't you fucking look at me.

Don't you look at me. Leave that fucking wool coat on. Where's my bourbon in my wool coat? But then the girl, apparently that lady was married, and that girl was just like an extra, and she was there with her husband, and that younger, more disgusting girl. Sometimes you've got to rotate that.

She's like trying to be sexy and do a back bend, and her shirt comes up, and she's just like, she's been eating cheeseburgers every day of her life. And maybe never stepped inside like a fitness club of any sort. And she almost fell trying to do this sexy back bend. Quotations. And then she like stands up and she looks at me and she's like, you're here with two guys.

All right, player. And she like tried to teach me this special handshake. And I'm like. I don't really think you understand the situation, but it was just, it was hilarious. And, oh, one more, one more.

Part three. Part three. This has nothing to do with Andrew getting a lap dance, but, or me getting a lap dance. But, okay, so this man used to come into my work. He's been coming into my work for several years.

His name's Doug. He's a sci-fi nerd. He isn't gay. He's not effeminate in any way. And I don't know a lot about transgender people, but, you know, you kind of, Usually can see it coming just a little bit.

So he came in and sat at the bar a couple of weeks ago and I looked over and he was dressed as a woman. But not just any woman. Me. Dressed as me. I'm not making this up, people.

Dressed as me. Yep. And if you're not familiar with her, she does have a very specific look. Right. Yeah.

A very specific style of dressing. And your hairstyle has been kind of similar to that for a while. You don't accidentally look like Marlene. No. Yeah, you don't accidentally.

You know, a 60-year-old man doesn't accidentally look like me. You know? And I mean. And he was always like... He's always been more friendly to me.

And I guess like he... sees my inner nerdiness and like always felt like he connected to me or whatever. And he'd always be like, Oh, I love your hair. I love your bangs or something like that. But it was more of like a, I'm creepy. I'm hitting on you kind of thing.

Not like I'm going to rip your fucking style off. I don't know which is worse. Single white female too. I know exactly. I'm like, Oh man.

Doug got all single white female on me. And, uh, you know, apparently he had done this a few weeks earlier or Halloween and, And, you know, my boss was like, what? Is he dressed as Marlena for Halloween? And no one told me. I was like, you all knew about this and you didn't tell me?

And they're like, yeah, we forgot. We blocked it out. Sorry. In his defense, that was also my Halloween costume. It's been pretty popular this year.

I saw it a couple stores. They've got a fake stand-in version of you on the front of this package. Yeah. It's going to catch on next year. You just wait.

Yeah. But I was like, oh, and he's actually going to get a gender reassignment surgery, which is pretty serious, you know? Yeah. But see, here's my thing, though. This man is just strange.

He's not like... He doesn't. Seem confused by the way that you've described him to me earlier. I was like, it's not like he's wrestling with which way do I go kind of thing. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, and here's the theory that I have, which, you know, scares me, obviously, because he's imitating my style. Like, this is just a man who has never had anyone look twice at him in his life, you know? It's like, it's almost like he's desperate for attention, and this is the link that he'll go to. And, I mean, having your dick chopped off is pretty fucking serious, you know? That's pretty desperate, you know, like.

And like I said, if I just honestly believed he felt like he was a woman trapped in a man's body, that'd be one thing. But like, I've known this guy like loosely, but for years and like. It's never come off that way, which never been the case. Usually there's something going on there. Yeah.

Yeah. And I mean, like, I don't know, I'm not a transgender expert, like I said, but like, It just seems really weird to me, and it kind of scares me a little that this man has decided to jack my style. It's very weird. I'm like, maybe I'm the only girl he knows or something. I don't know.

Could be. But, I mean, it's not like we're friends or, you know, he's someone that comes into my work. Well, he might take your friends. Yeah. Your best friends in his mind.

Maybe. Maybe, yeah. Very strange. But I think that's it as far as that. My Marlena moments go...

I mean, I can probably think of like 40 more strange ones. That's a lot to deal with. You're on podcast. I know. I do.

Those are probably the biggest ones so far, which I think those are pretty epic as far as. There's the Marlena moment hat trick there. All right. Good going. It's been a while.

I mean. Those happen three separate weeks, so had we been here for the last three weeks, it wouldn't have taken up so much time. Forget about her geek week. Hers will just be her freak week. Exactly.

It's an offshoot show now. We're going to start doing it. Yep. I keep telling people, it's like yesterday, I'm sitting on the couch with my best friend and her mom, and there's a spring sticking out of the couch, and. She was like, Does this sound good already?

Yeah. She was like, watch out, don't jam that spring in your ass. And my friend goes, wouldn't be the first time I had something jammed in my ass. And I'm just like, you said that to your mother? And then her mother said something really horrible later about a hot dog.

You know, I was like, I need a... More than anything, I feel like I need to start small and get a Twitter and just quote these ridiculous things that people say. I mean, it's not just me. It's everyone around me. The weirdest, funniest, most ridiculous things are said.

You can be the next shit my dad says. It'll just be shit that goes on around me. I know. And next season, you'll have your own TV show. Yeah, I know.

With Leonard Nimoy. Between what? Be the jackass. Between what my mom says and what my best friend's mom says and everything else is just like, I could be making money off of this. I mean, damn.

Well, you're not going to make anything off of Twitter. So, yeah. That's true. Unless you can get that sweet deal that that guy did. I don't know what.

That guy sold his soul to the devil to get that. That's crazy. Yeah, I know I won't make anything off Twitter, but if someone. It may lead you to something else. We'll pay you money to do.

Tell a crazy story. You and Larry David... to make the next show not about anything, just random encounters. Just like the next Seinfeld is Marlena. I'd watch that. That sounds pretty awesome, actually.

My mom wouldn't because she really hates Larry David. Once again, that doesn't surprise me. He's funny sometimes, too. I give him more credit creatively. His performances, he is pretty annoying.

But I mean, he knows he's annoying. He's going for that. But yeah, as a writer, producer kind of angle, yeah, he's sort of genius. I give him that credit, not so much the actor credit. So does that round out your.

Yeah, it does. Totally does. That has been another three, in fact, Marlena moment. All right. So, um, normally, and you know, I was even planning up until probably earlier today, I was still going to try to, I mean, we're, we're trying to get back on track in our semi return to a usual schedule and a usual, um, layout of the show basically, where we get back to doing what's the buzz.

Cause I still like that, you know, and I like getting back to that. So we've done it, you know, one along the road as we went. So we haven't totally forgotten about it, but so I was going to try to work it back in this week. And then I looked at the, uh, the news this week and it all sucked like it was just like there's nothing good and the few things that are out there that are kind of interesting we've already talked about this is just like new casting thrown in the middle of it so it's sort of retread so i'm like yeah it's like the other thing i had been thinking about is a few you know days ago somebody sent me a link to this short film and i was like well technically last year we did actually you know watch a short film and a movie so maybe that's a good holiday tradition we'll see if we can work that in So, yeah, we decided to, in place of the buzz this week, sit down and watch the short film Treevenge.

I don't know if you guys were prepared for this. I wasn't prepared, no. Oh, man. So, yes, it is available on YouTube. I believe they have their own website as well.

I think it's won some sort of film festival awards because it's that impressive. So, yeah, it's Treevenge 2008, director Jason Eisner. I'd say it's worth watching, especially since it's free on YouTube. Screw it. You know, it's the holidays.

Who doesn't want to watch a crazy tree bloodbath? So, um, yeah, we'll, we'll throw out the spoiler alert on this one. Too, because it, you know, we are going to ruin the big turning point of this movie. Yeah. So yeah.

Okay. Other than that, where, where would you like to start with? I was impressed. I commented when we started watching, I was impressed that it looked old, like, you know, um, That it was on actual reel-to-reel or something like that at some point. Like old footage.

Right. Even the sound, I'm assuming the sound sounded somewhat warped. I don't know if that was the digital transfer or anything like that. Could just be my crappy internet reception. Well, you know.

But it sounded like it was a warped film. But it worked. Yeah. It was made in 1982 or something like that. No, no.

2008. Right. Right. Which is more impressive that they made it look like that. And actually do kind of pull off that dated, you know, early eighties era horror film look that it has.

So, but yeah, I think it is, it is right off the bat. It's shot pretty well. It is something that they do put a little time and effort into getting some of these shots. Some of them were very ridiculous and over the top, but I still think it's more creative visually than a lot of regular, you know, full length feature films that I've seen on, you know, straight to DVD before. So I think just visually it's pretty impressive.

Yeah. I, Do we go to the big reveal yet? We can start with the first part. I mean, it starts off, it's already very horror-like. It does these serene shots of the trees, and then very quickly you've got like, a big axe step into frame and the heavy music and it takes on a very horror role at this point.

Like these poor Christmas trees were in a concentration camp. That's what it felt like. It actually felt like a Christmas tree death camp by the end of it where they're just bowing them down, they're throwing them down treadmills. Yeah, it's just like. It really does have sort of a creepy death camp feel to it.

Dumping them off the backs of trucks. Yep, lighting them on fire. Why were they lighting them on fire? I mean, well, that one he was dragging looked horrible. I'm like, why would you even cut down that one that is missing two-thirds of its branches?

That's just bad on your part, buddy. But yeah, we get this whole group of lumberjacks or whatever they're supposed to be that are just like. Lumberjerks. Yeah, well, they're like psychopaths. I mean, they really are basically mimicking every killer in a horror movie for the last 20, 30 years.

I mean, they're crazy. You said your favorite part was him chopping at the tree with a chainsaw. The chainsaw's running, and he's chopping at the throats. I don't know if that's the recommended way to use it, but all right. It makes you look even crazier.

So there's a lot of screaming and, yeah, a lot of them just yelling obscenities at the trees. And then you get that moment where the tree starts moving and making little noises. Little baby trees, little sad things. That was sad. And you're going to realize that they're going to use actual trees as, like, puppets, basically.

They're not puppets. It's a real little tree, but they're shaking it around and pretending like it's a puppet. And then doing. Little making little weird noises and you get subtitles so you get to see what's going on inside these trees mines or wherever it goes. On the guy putting the Vaseline on the tree base, the tree hole.

I don't think that's his mind. He drilled a hole out in the base of the tree. That's once he got it home. The whole idea of sap, that would be bad. It seems like it wouldn't help, even with Vaseline.

You'd be working against it there. I don't know. That was the disturbing one of the most disturbing parts of the movie. So we do yeah we get them like taking away all these so you do realize it's them like taking all these you know trees from out in the wild and turning them into Christmas trees and they're on the truck and they're yelling back and forth at each other and they talk like gremlins yeah so they're just gonna it sounds very much like you know gremlins yelling at each other and um Then they get to the tree yard where they're selling Christmas trees. Christmas tree stand.

Yeah, you've got some sort of jerk that opens the truck and is like, oh, right, here they are. So, yeah, you realize then they're going to get picked. But along the way, you get a lot of tree POV, which I don't think I've ever seen in a movie. Unless maybe Evil Dead 2, but we get sort of a return to that Evil Dead 2 moment later. We'll get to that.

But you do get a lot of shots from the point of view of a tree, which is interesting. And then, yeah, is there anything you want to get to before we hit the turning point? Yeah. To me, there was one family that's decorating, I guess, the main tree, and From the tree's perspective, it's called, what's this horrible music or sound? What's that sound?

And you see this family carrying the boxes and the tinsel. And that's almost creepy. That makes you look to yourself and go, what the fuck are we doing? That's me. Why do people do that?

Why is it a tradition? Why are you? I never felt more guilty about decorating for Christmas ever. I like tools. I mean, it's really dumb, the whole thing.

Well, you just get roped into it, and you're taught that as a kid, and you come up and you do it to your kids. Like, I felt like the... I mean, I could have been watching something, the perspective of, like, a bunny rabbit right before, like, eating a bunny rabbit stew or something like that. I would not have felt any better. I mean, it really made me, I bought into the sadness and despair of these poor trees.

I'm like, I never want to harm another tree. I'm never going to use paper again. I like your theory, Greg, that who produced this film. Right. We don't know that, but what's your take?

My theory was that it was the plastic tree companies developed to make you feel bad. This horror show. You're killing all of these trees, and they're crying, and their babies are shaking. It's like propaganda film, basically. Well, I'm never going to buy a real tree again.

I've never had a real tree. It would probably work. Even if you just cut it off at this halfway point, it would kind of work as that. If you put it out in the right circles and the right people saw that, they'd be like. Let's just get a fake tree this year.

If you showed that to kids, they would be horrified. They would never want to decorate a tree again. By the way, don't show this to kids unless you want to scar them because it's already scarring them even up to this point. Now we're going to hit the turning point of this movie. It's on after the peanut special this year.

Yeah, yeah. Treevenge. Treevenge. So, yeah, are we ready to go there? Make a reveal.

All right, so, and this is, to me, the best moment of the entire movie here. You've got the whole family Christmas morning, and they come down, and Dad's, you know, video verite-ing the whole family, so you've got your shaky cam of them opening presents, and Dad's being. A goofball, and he's like, I love Christmas so much, and. They're just it's this cheesy Christmas morning moment. And at one point, the girl stands up in front of the tree and the tree reaches out and grabs the tree, has arms and snatches up on a bitch.

She's bleeding instantly. Yes. And they don't hold back on the blood. Not at all. The family's horrified.

It's rightfully so. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. That is like, again, if you are the right version of a sick bastard, that's the greatest moment.

And I was like, oh, this is awesome now. It was fun before just showing the Tree's point of view, but now I kind of knew it was coming with a name like Treevenge, but... wow they really went there. And then every scene after that they up the ante a little bit more you know every killing scene from then it goes to the the two sisters that were in the trailer that somehow some kind of clown car trailer that was extremely small on the outside but huge on the inside they're chasing them you know there's a mob almost like zombie trees around them and then it cuts to the the couple that were of course in every horror film if you're getting frisky or about to have sex, you're going to get killed. And so, well, and, and that weird, you know, offshoot tradition of people doing it by the light of the tree, which I guess happens.

I don't know. But in this story, they're definitely doing it. And I believe my favorite line is also, it's Christmas. I just want to fuck. Do you want all the presents?

No, it's Christmas. I just want to fuck. That's some writing there, ladies and gentlemen. But that scene is, I don't even want to describe it. That was disgusting.

But that kind of crosses over into the Evil Dead 2 tree moment. Not quite as much, not to the extent that it does in Evil Dead 2, but equally as horrifying and also ties in both parties. So it finds a really creepy way to work them both into this little killing spree. And then the baby. Okay.

Yeah, see, like. Does that go too far? It didn't for me, but I'm a heartless bastard, so. It's right on that line. I don't like to watch...

I mean, like, I'm real sensitive about stuff like that. Like, I don't like to watch children or babies get hurt. Like, I watched the first episode of Boardwalk Empire, and there's a scene in there, and I'm just like. I just don't like to watch pregnant women or small children or babies or animals. Everyone else, they can die.

I don't care. The animals, I'm on board with babies. Again, if it's done serious, it's a different tone. You do kind of feel that way. But this one is so ridiculous at this point.

It's so over the top. I mean, it's equally as goofy as like. your mother ate my dog dead alive dead alive there you go it's I mean to me it's as ridiculous as you know being upset about that baby being injured because it's that over the top it's that silly at that point in the movie that you're like alright whatever all bets are. Off well the lumberjack had already stomped on the baby tree. And that's what I thought it was yeah they were kind of going for that bringing it back around the. Tree's gonna stomp on the baby human yep.

I thought that was I was like well fitting it's tree veg that's what it is You bastards do that to them, this is how it comes back down. What would have made the movie better is if somehow the trees would have taken them back to the forest and then decorated the shit out of them. That would be awesome. Treevenge 2. Let's see, where are we going?

I was trying to think of another bad subtitle to add on. Sorry. There's tensile and ornaments all over humans. That would probably be pretty awesome, actually. Better than anything.

Treevenge 2, trimming the trees. So, yeah. I will give it credit for is I'm assuming a relatively low budget short film. They had decent effects. There's moments when it looks cheesy, but again, it's the kind of cheesy at this point in the film that you're on board with.

You don't care. You really don't care. But some of the other stuff I'm like, you know, that's pretty good actually for, for a very limited budget project. Some of the stuff looks pretty good. So 95% of the population should never even turn this.

No, but, But 95% of the people who listen to our show will probably enjoy the hell out of it. If you're offended, don't watch it. But other than that, yeah. If you watched Thanksgiving and it was awesome, you're probably not going to have a problem with this movie. You might not like it as much.

You don't get the cursing or the scary boobs at the beginning. But, you know, you still get. Sort of the same mood going on here. Right. Oh, man.

So, yeah. Again, it's the holidays. It's free on YouTube. What the hell are you going to do? So I say, you know, it's like 16 minutes long.

Just go watch it. Anything else to round out Treevenge, our short film feature here? Nope. All right. All right.

So now we're going to get to my holiday gift to you, the listeners. All right. My audio gift to you is six to eight black men. Are you not familiar with this, Marla? You have to be.

I don't know. Oh, this is a story. It's written, but it's so much better told. It's a story told by David Sedaris. Oh, yeah, yeah.

About the origins of the Dutch Christmas story, and it's awesome. You know, I don't want to cut you off, but someone on my Facebook feed had been in, like, Sweden or something like that, and it's, like, you know, everyone puts on black face makeup and like, that's how they rock out Christmas. It's, it's a weird story, but it's so awesome the way he's told it. And it really like, it has become part of my holiday tradition. So I thought it was kind of cool to share it with everyone.

Cause I mean, a lot of people may have heard it if you're a David Sedaris fan, but it's still worth listening to again. Cause it's awesome. Cause I, yeah, every year it's like, forget reading Twas the Night Before Christmas. Uh, I sit there every year and listen to six to eight black men. And, and, I enjoy the hell out of it.

Uh, last year I was actually listening to it, driving to my family's house for Christmas. And, uh, I got there and it wasn't over. And I sat in the driveway until it was done because it was so fucking awesome. I'm like, Oh, just wait, just wait. It's almost there.

Oh God. Now that's Christmas. All right, let's go in and have this family, whatever. Christmas to me is six to eight black. So, uh, yeah.

And well, it should. So I, right so uh yeah i figured it would be kind of fun to to share that so stick around after the song and you will hear the uh david's story in its entirety and the song in question is actually one of my favorite new songs of the season actually it is my favorite it's you know, thanks, commercial America, for bringing it to my attention. And screw you, I'm not flucking you still. So, otherwise, come back and join us for this week's Sofa Theater feature, Bad Santa, as the Fuck Me Santa holiday special continues. Get ready to hear some curse words.

And nymphs. Fuck me Santa, fuck me Santa. I'm gonna get it. I know I'm gonna get it. I can't wait.

Every little step holds me closer to the gift. Can't be late. Rip it open in a second and it's time to play. I was up all night in anticipation. Feeling electric jewels of jubilation.

You'll tie carols from the local congregation. Make it tough to hold my patience in check. Yep. Is it morning yet? Soon as the clock strikes.

I'm jumping out of bed. Then I'm running down the steps and I'm laughing with my sense. I hope that nothing was forgotten. It's been a long time on that list. Is it time yet?

Is it time? I can't wait. Is it time yet? Is it time? I can't wait.

Around the house sneaking, my heartbeat racing. Round corners peaking with anticipation. Mom and pop sleeping, I think I'm going to wake them. Bright lights blinking, colors are amazing. I'm out in the toys and I can't wait.

Hurry up, hurry up. So I can tear through the paper jackpot. Now I'm clapping and playing with my big toys. Little toys, how do I thank them? I want to scream, such a fun celebration.

Open up the next one, I just can't take it. Toys everywhere, we finally made it. Everything I asked for. This year is my favorite. Is it time yet?

Is it time? I can't wait. Is it time yet? Is it time? I can't wait.

Is it time yet? Is it time yet? Is it time yet? Is it time yet? Is it time yet?

Is it time yet? Is it time yet? I can't wait. It's making me sweat. The atmosphere is thick with all the suspense.

I'm all up on my P's and Q's, just doing my best. Looking like Saint Nick, so clean, so fresh. Can't give it a rest Can't let up on the pressure I'm out to impress All the energy is pent up Time to express it Just waiting for. The green light Right foot press Won't settle for. Less Tis the season for the giving And I give what I get This is gonna be the year That we never forget I keep checking my watch Is it, is it time?

Is it time yet? Is it time yet? Is it time? I can't wait. Is it time yet?

Is it time? I can't wait. My wedding toys are alive. Heard them late last night. I'm so impatient, but I've really been waiting.

Toys all around me. So many here, can't even count them. All my wishes came true. Hearts still pounding. When I found them, I kept counting down.

And so tempted to open one, but didn't make a sound. At the moment I laid eyes on them, I was astounded. Look at all these toys. I'm surrounded. Toys galore.

My own toy store. Everything I ever wanted and much more. I've been doing a fair amount of writing for Esquire the past four years because it gives me a chance to work with a guy named Andy Ward, who's just a great editor. And this is a story that they're going to, I believe, publish next month, and it's called six to eight black men. I've never been much for guidebooks, so when trying to get my bearings in some strange American city, I normally start by asking the cab driver or hotel clerk some silly question regarding the latest census figures.

I say silly because I don't really care how many people live in Olympia, Washington, or Columbus, Ohio. They're nice enough places, but the numbers mean nothing to me. My second question might have to do with the average annual rainfall, which again doesn't tell me anything about the people who have chosen to call this place home. What truly interests me are the local gun laws. Can I carry a concealed weapon?

And if so, under what circumstances? What's the waiting period for a Tommy gun? Could I buy a Glock 7 if I were recently divorced or fired from my job? I've learned from experience it is best to lead into this subject as delicately as possible, especially if you and the local citizen are alone and enclosed in a relatively small area. Bide your time, though, and you can walk away with some excellent stories.

I've learned, for example, that the blind can legally hunt in both Texas and Michigan. From an equal opportunity standpoint, I suppose it's only fair, but still I find it more than a little unsettling. In Texas, the blind hunters must be accompanied by a sighted companion, but in Michigan, they're allowed to go it alone. Which raises the question, how do they find whatever it is they just shot? In addition to that, how do they get home?

Are the Michigan blind allowed to drive as well? I ask about guns not because I want one of my own, but because the answers vary so widely from state to state. In a country that's become increasingly homogeneous, I'm reassured by these last charming touches of regionalism. Guns aren't really an issue in Europe, so when traveling abroad, my first question usually relates to barnyard animals. what do your roosters say is a good icebreaker. As every country has its own unique interpretation.

In Germany, where dogs bark, vow, vow, and both the frog and the duck say quack, the rooster greets the dawn with a hearty kikariki. Grecian roosters crow kiriaki, and in France they scream cocorico. which sounds like an order for one of those horrible pre-mixed cocktails. With a pirate on the label. When told that an American rooster says cock-a-doodle-doo, my hosts look at me with disbelief and pity. When do you open your Christmas presents is another good question, as I think it explains a lot about national character.

People who traditionally open gifts on Christmas Eve seem a bit more pious and family-oriented than those who wait until Christmas morning. They go to Mass, open presents, eat a late meal, return to church the following morning, and devote the rest of the day to eating another big meal. Gifts are generally reserved for children, and the parents tend not to go overboard. It's nothing I'd want for myself, But I suppose it's fine for those who prefer food and family to things of real value. In France and Germany, gifts are exchanged on Christmas Eve, while in the Netherlands, the children open their presents on December 5th, in celebration of St.

Nicholas Day. It sounded sort of quaint until I spoke to a man named Oskar. who filled me in on a few of the details as we walked from my hotel to the Amsterdam train station. Unlike the jolly obese American Santa, St. Nicholas is painfully thin in dresses not unlike the Pope, topping his robes with a tall hat resembling an embroidered tea cozy. The outfit, I was told, is a carryover from his former career when he served as the Bishop of Turkey.' I' m sorry,' I said.

But could you repeat that? One doesn't want to be too much of a cultural chauvinist, but this seemed completely wrong to me. For starters, Santa didn't used to do anything. He's not retired, and more importantly, he has nothing to do with Turkey. It's too dangerous there, and the people wouldn't appreciate him.

When asked how he got from Turkey to the North Pole, Oscar told me with complete conviction that St. Nicholas currently resides in Spain, which again is simply not true. While he could probably live wherever he wanted, Santa chose the North Pole specifically because it is harsh and isolated. No one can spy on him, and he doesn't have to worry about people coming to the door. Anyone can come to the door in Spain, and in that outfit he'd most certainly be recognized On top of that, aside from a few pleasantries, Santa doesn't speak Spanish.

Hello, how are you? Can I get you some candy? Fine, he knows enough to get by. But he's not fluent, and he certainly doesn't eat tapas. While our Santa flies in on a sled, the Dutch version arrives by boat and then transfers to a white horse.

The event is televised and great crowds gather at the waterfront to greet him. I'm not sure if there's a set date, but he generally docks in late November and spends a few weeks hanging out and asking people what they want. Is it just him alone, I asked, or does he come with some backup? Oscar's English was close to perfect, but he seemed thrown by a term normally reserved for police reinforcement. Helpers, I said.

Does he have any elves? Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but I couldn't help but feel personally insulted when Oscar denounced the very idea as, quote, grotesque and. Unrealistic. Elves, he said, they're just so silly. The words silly and unrealistic were redefined when I learned that St.

Nicholas travels with what was consistently described as six to eight black men. I asked several Dutch people to narrow it down, but none of them could give me an exact number. It was always six to eight, which seems strange considering they've had hundreds of years to get a decent head count. The six to eight black men were characterized as personal slaves until the mid 1950s when the political climate changed and it was decided that instead of being slaves, they were just good friends. I think history has proven that something usually comes between slavery and friendship.

A period of time marked not by cookies and quiet hours by the fire but by bloodshed and mutual hostility. They have such violence in the Netherlands but rather than duking it out amongst one another Santa and his former slaves decided to take it out on the public. In the early years if a child was naughty St. Nicholas and the six to eight black men would beat him with what Oscar described as the small branch of a tree. A switch?

Yeah, he said, that's it. They'd kick him and beat him with a switch. Then if the youngster was really bad, they'd put him in a sack and take him back to Spain. Wait a minute, St. Nicholas would kick you?

Well, not anymore, Oscar said. Now he just pretends to kick you. He considered this to be progressive, but in a way I think it's almost more perverse than the original punishment. I'm going to hurt you, but not really. How many times have we fallen for that line?

The fake slap invariably makes contact. adding the elements of shock and betrayal to what had previously been plain old-fashioned fear. What kind of a Santa spends his time pretending to kick people before stuffing them into a canvas sack? Then, of course, you've got the six to eight former slaves who could potentially go off at any moment. This, I think, is the greatest difference between us and the Dutch. While a certain segment of our population might be perfectly happy with the arrangement, If he told the average white American that six to eight nameless black men would be sneaking into his house in the middle of the night, he would barricade the doors and arm himself with whatever he could get his hands on.

Six to eight, did you say? In the years before central heating, Dutch children would leave their shoes by the fireplace, the promise being that unless they planned to beat you, kick you, or stuff you into a sack, St. Nicholas and the six to eight black men would fill your clogs with presents. Aside from the threats of violence and kidnapping, it's not much different than hanging your stockings from the mantle. Now that so few people actually have a working fireplace, the Dutch are instructed to leave their shoes beside the radiator, furnace, or space heater.

St. Nicholas and the six to eight black men arrive on horses, which jump from the yard onto the roof. At this point, I guess they either jump back down and use the door, or stay put and vaporize. Through the pipes and electrical cords. Oscar wasn't too clear about the particulars, but really, who can blame him?

We have the same problem with our Santa. He's supposed to use a chimney, but if you don't have one, he still manages to come through. It's best not to think about it that hard. While eight flying reindeer are a hard pill to swallow, our Christmas story remains relatively dull. Santa lives with his wife in a remote polar village and spends one night a year traveling around the world.

If you're bad, he leaves you coal. If you're good and live in America, He'll give you just about anything you want. We tell our children to be good, and then we send them off to bed, where they lie awake, anticipating their great bounty. A Dutch parent has a decidedly hairier story to relate. Telling his children, listen.

You might want to pack a few of your things together. You might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be coming tonight. Along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes.

They might stuff you into a sack and take you to Spain. Or they might just pretend to kick you. We don't know for sure. But we want you to be prepared. This is the reward for living in the Netherlands.

As a child, you get to hear this story, and as an adult, you get to turn around and repeat it. As an added bonus, the government has thrown in legalized drugs and prostitution. So what's not to love about being Dutch? Oscar finished his story just as we arrived at the station. He was a polite and interesting guy, very good company.

But when he offered to wait until my train arrived, I begged off, saying I had some calls to make. Sitting alone in the vast, vibrant terminal, surrounded by thousands of polite, seemingly interesting Dutch people. I couldn't help but feel second rate. Yes, the Netherlands is a small country, but they have six to eight black men and a really good Christmas story. Being a fairly competitive person, I felt jealous, then bitter.

I was edging towards hostile when I remembered the blind hunter tramping off alone into the Michigan forest. He might bag a deer or he might happily shoot a camper in the stomach. He may find his way back to the car or he may wander around for a week or two before stumbling through your front door. We don't know for sure. But in pinning that license to his chest, he inspires a sort of narrative that ultimately makes me proud to be an American.

Do you maybe just want to open some presents? No, no, no, no. It's Christmas. I just want to fuck. This show is a production of Movie Meltdown, produced and edited by Brian Renfro, with opening music performed by The Empires.

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