203: The Bride of TurkZilla

And so basically it's meatloaf. Yeah. It's just turkey meatloaf. Yeah. With mashed potato, icing, and marshmallows.

Even better. And sweet potato casserole and. Stovetop. It just gets better and better. And there's a layer of cranberries in there.

Of course there is. So, white meat. And dark meat. Take it away. The following feature has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America.

It is intended for mature audiences and parental discretion is advised. It's showtime, folks. Enjoy the show. Our nuclear reactor pumping out one million kilowatts of power. It ain't cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.

What's up and welcome to Movie Meltdown. I'm Brian. I'm Fred. I'm Greg. I'm Marlena.

I'm Bo. I'm Alan. I'm Lucy. And Happy Thanksgiving! It is, uh... time for another special holiday episode.

Special is once again in quotes. So with that we bring you the bride of Turkzilla. Indeed. Courtesy of Greg and this year she has a friend. Yeah.

What have you billed her Lucy? The Tofurkzilla. Tofurkzilla. Yes. I don't know what to do with either of those really.

Except eat them. Yeah. Which I did. So would you like to start with that with the wrap up? First of all Alan was kind of afraid.

Afraid. Of Turkzilla. I don't know if afraid is the word. I was concerned. Rightfully so.

If you're not familiar, we did this year before last. We'll post the pictures online. If you're not on our Facebook page, that's your own fault. But, yeah, as I described it to Alan and what instilled the fear in his heart, Was a layer cake made of all your Thanksgiving items. So it's a layer cake involving turkey and stuffing and iced with mashed potatoes.

It's the best idea ever, isn't it? There should maybe be like creamed corn in between a couple of the layers. I could get on board with that. I thought about that. Venturing into vegetables.

I don't know. Because I like my cakes like I like my women runny. So just work on that. Venturing into vegetables goes against our nature anyway. Right.

Lucy and I ventured into vegetables. We did. That's a fact. Although I will say that in creating the vegan counterpart of Turkzilla, I didn't actually realize that the layer cake concept was literal. Like I did not know it was going to be cake shaped.

Like I feel like next year. Well, I told you if you're going to do it, either it had to be cake shaped or I told Fred, I wanted everything shaped like a Turkey, which is hilarious that they always shape the fake turkeys into a Turkey shape. And like we, Well, Lucy, it kind of counts. It's like a sheet cake. Yeah.

All right. Thank you. So that was my concern. It's like a sheet cake burning in my heart. What?

My concern was the description of it as a layer cake, because if you had said something like a casserole, that would have been fine. Like yours is a casserole. It's not a casserole. Oh, I know. But then when it was described to me, then it sounded more like a casserole.

And then Greg posted a picture of this thing. And you went, oh, God. Oh, God. It looks like a casserole. Cake, but it's not.

I don't know. I think it looks like a mutant biscuit. Right. You were just afraid it was going to be like one of those KFC bowls, but on steroids. It kind of is.

There's no corn in this. Again, that can be a remedy. Well, I mean, I just like a tracer element in there to know that the bolus hasn't just stayed there. Oh no, it's a cake. It's a standing cake.

You know, last time it was definitely more defined transitional layers yeah they were just kind of brown beige mess yeah. So it tasted good though i did i did try. It everybody turkzillas fall apart the center cannot hold. So you had a good time making it great right do you want to go into. That i i don't know i've had a um I had a full-blown panic attack while I was making it today.

Other health issues, I think, caused that. I don't know. I had some trouble. I hope it was worth the effort. It turned out very nicely.

About a couple of years after this Turkzilla, everyone who ate it is going to have a panic attack. Or a baby turkey. That'll be pretty cool, actually. You mentioned earlier you almost died. Was that in relation to this?

Yeah, I think that's what I mean. I really did feel like I was dying. I had that. Thanks to the bride of Turkzilla. The curse of the bride of Turkzilla.

Yeah, it wasn't pleasant, so I'm glad to be on the other side of that. It's almost like the brood. It's just you're giving birth to the... It's taking something from you when you create it. Yeah.

Yeah. I hope because i don't want that back well it's good you're here right i almost didn't even come i thought okay i'll just deliver it and go home but then i felt much better after i was. After you delivered it after i mean maybe it's a natural reaction to it it's like you know you if you smell food cooking you get hungry well that's going to make you you have to be so damn hungry to eat that thick cake it's just the body just overdid itself and just like I'll shut down briefly so that way he's really hungry later on perhaps yeah. To go to the other side okay Lucy how was your experience I had. A perfectly pleasant experience making Topherzilla um I did not have time to watch the movie though so there's gives and takes to everything I don't know I watched the first third um but yeah so we started should I tell you the constituent ingredient.

Yeah but i just want to know how many layers of lead there were in it because i picked it up oh my god why is it so heavy well. Because it's an entire thanksgiving feast in one casserole dish so it's gonna be. None of which is a giant bird though that's true. But there's a black hole in there it could. Be there's an entire tofurkey in there there's stuffing there's a macaroni and cheese casserole there is a Whipped smashed potatoes.

I'm forgetting something. The yeast gravy, which may or may not be the Jess Wexler cheese. Yeah, we're debating that. If it comes to its own without knowing of the Jess Wexler cheese, it's not. They just happen to be similar.

Plus, it's in name. They're fine. I think Fred's on to something there. Maybe every Turkzilla and permutation of it has a black hole in there. Maybe you ate the black hole...

A while back, it was trying to just compact. All of your innards into the point of singularity, but you managed to digest it first. Would it pack all your innards into a little bag, and then later you could take them out before you... Never mind. Yeah.

Turkey humor. Come on, Dan. That might explain something. I mean, it's as rational as anything. Else, I guess.

I don't know. It's as rational as giblets. That's true. Because I've yet to figure out giblets. Giblets are delicious.

Yeah. Just tear into that liver every year. It's wonderful. Isn't a giblet supposed to be like a smaller jib? I think they serve those at Applebee's.

Fried giblets? Yeah, it reminds me. When I was in Beijing, I thought, okay, I'm in Beijing. I've got to go to a Beijing duck restaurant. Actually, I'd been saving money just going to street foods.

I thought, I'm going to spend money and go to the finest one in the city. You were talking about the chicken being killed for you earlier i mean they did that with the duck as well it's like they kill it and they come out and they demonstrate it's like here you go this is what i killed for you it's like it's like a cat bringing something to you and you nod but um they make a soup out of it and then they bring you the actual like meat and then for dessert they deep fry all the innards like apparently that's the chinese dessert that goes along with it is they deep fry all that stuff so it's like they bring out the intestines and all that stuff it's all just been deep fried it's like Can I get it?

I got it to go and I didn't eat it. Speaking of that, there was also the haggis. If you want to call it. Yeah, so I took, I made the, in Indianapolis there's this place where I got vegetarian haggis, whatever that is. But it was good.

It was seriously good. It was kind of aromatic like Indian food. It's just, it looks like It's. Complete mush, and it's served with another mush, which is turnips, and then another mush, which is potatoes. You're not selling me on this so far.

I know. Turnips. It's crazy good, though. It's really good. And so I tried to figure out how to make it, and it's just another vegan thing that you can call haggis.

There is scotch in it. Oh, okay. There's scotch in it. My great regret is we didn't plan out a fake recipe before we started doing this episode because we could have just made something up and. Probably sold it.

No, it will be in the Movie Meltdown cookbook that we've been working on for years now. I mean, we eat about as much as we talk about movies. So is that going to have your recipe for straight bagels in it? I don't know if you can afford that. That's a very secret recipe because it doesn't exist.

Because all we made was breadsticks. Anyways. It gets so defensive. Because you don't know what a bagel is. I was at the Kentucky Book Fair the other day and I heard the greatest idea for a recipe book.

Because there's a lot of Appalachian writers and there's sort of a vein of mountain literature. And my mother had the idea for a book of old-fashioned recipes. But it would be drinks. They would market it as these old-timey recipes, but it would all be recipes for old fashions. Yeah.

And then I was going to append it to my idea, which is... Well, the title of my cookbook was going to be The Best Things in Life are Fried. But then I came to this one idea, which was deep-fry bourbon balls. That sounds delicious, actually. You have to.

It has to happen. How is. How did people not do that? How does it not happen in Kentucky? I don't know.

I questioned that. Bourbon balls would fall into a vat. At some point. I questioned that at the last state fair. I was like, you're deep frying everything that's still in here, but the one thing you're known for.

Around here, no. Have they deep fried the derby pie yet? Yeah, yeah. I had that. Okay.

Yep. Bourbon balls. We should do that tonight. I have the best. Idea for a fried fair food ever.

Onion rings, like onions that are wrapped in bacon and then dipped in the batter and then fried. And then coated in cheese. Maybe. Maybe there's some cheese. And then sprinkled with more bacon.

I'm not big into the deep fried stuff. The only time I've come across something like that, I don't even like the deep fried Oreos. They're terrible. When I was up at the Georgetown drive-in, they were doing the deep fried red velvet Twinkies. And I was like, oh.

I've deep fried a Twinkie. That took a year off my life. But it was so decadent. So I hear. You know who loved those?

Michael Madsen. When they brought him here, they took him to the drive-in that night. And he, again, it's not really a surprise, I guess, if you know Michael. I remember seeing him going on and around because I was there that night. And I swear to God, I saw him trying to pick up chicks as they were coming out of the women's restroom.

That's pretty much all he did. That's a good strategy. A couple years ago. I had no idea. Yeah, it was for Fright Night Film Fest.

It was the same year Lyndon Blair had her come up there. Hugely exciting. The thing with the bacon around the onion rings, I've done that with cheese. It's like I'll. Take the string cheese and just spread it, coat it, and fry it and have cheese sticks.

And one day I was like, I'm going to wrap some bacon around the cheese and then bread that and fry that. It was good. So bacon, mozzarella stick. Okay. We deep-fried a Twinkie one Thanksgiving because they were going to deep-fry the turkey.

And it's like, wait, before we use the oil, what all can we deep-fry? You're dipping a stapler in there. We couldn't find Mars bars anywhere in this city. They just weren't around. But we did deep-fry a Twinkie, and people were like, how was it?

It was like, well, it's better than a regular Twinkie. But, you know, and people would come in, you want a deep-fried Twinkie? And they'd be... I'm good. I don't like regular, but it was a red velvet one.

And it had like, instead of just regular cream, it was almost like the cream cheese inside. There's a legend among my parents of a party that I was at for red velvet cake that somebody made and brought to the party. And there was this crazy guy who had a master's in divinity and wanted to write poetry that And he cut the top layer off the cake. He was the first person in line, and he cut the top layer. And took it on his plate and went and sat down.

And everybody just. What just happened? If I would have known, I would have so done that with the tofurkey. I would have too. I think the sweet potatoes are my favorite part.

I like that logic, though. At school, they'll have snacks for the faculty meetings, and afterwards it's like, take what you want, and I'll go up and I'll take the silverware. And they're like, what are you doing? I said, take what I want. But that's for everyone.

Oh, it's like the scene in Midnight Cowboy. When they go to the opening, and he's like, why are you stealing food? And we're not stealing food, but it's free. Well, if it's free, we're not stealing it. I think what our other Thanksgiving activities have been.

There's a turkey that you made sure to have. Yeah, we have our centerpiece. It looks like it's talking into a microphone. It does. We all get a microphone.

It's kind of so sensitive to the air motion that it looks vaguely alive. Wait, let's hear what it has to say. More so than I do. Here it goes. Gobble, gobble, motherfucker.

That's the theme of, you know, any good Thanksgiving gathering. That was my favorite Thanksgiving movie ever. I know. It sounds like we're trying to avoid the subject of this movie. I don't know why.

I have a funny male image of just Bruce Willis going to promote the new Die Hard movie coming out next summer. He just goes on Sight Live or something for Thanksgiving. They try to work up a sketch just to where he uses the phrase gobble gobble motherfucker somewhere. He'd just be ripping off the turkey. I don't want a t-shirt that says that actually to wear around on Thanksgiving.

I bet there probably is one, actually. Again, if they're marketing it. Yeah, if they're marketing it. Well, that's the thing. We're pushing that off for a future episode.

Because it just came out, and it was impossible to schedule it. But they just did the sequel to Thanksgiving. Oh, my God. Thanksgiving 3. Three.

Three. The sequel. It's the only movie to ever skip a sequel number. They skipped two and went right to three. I think it's part of the story.

I don't know. We're going to have to come back to that one. So future Thanksgiving episode right there. So it was wonderful about that movie. It was, of course it was intentionally bad, but it was also unintentionally bad.

It was, I don't know. It was a, it was a perfectly well bound. And I just saw the image of the father sitting at the table, um, dressed up as a turkey and the turkey's sitting across from. Him and they're having a conversation. That was one of the best moments.

There aren't that many. There's tons of Halloween and Christmas movies. There aren't that many Thanksgiving movies. I know. Actually, I find really endearing is Pieces of April.

That's a fun movie. I like that. That's like three off then. We've already listed so many. Thanksgiving only comes once a year.

We're making our list. It's a good thing we've got a decent amount here because there's not that many. Thanksgiving's just a big meal. I mean, we could make that happen. It's not the same.

You're just robbing it of its fun and integrity. There's got to be more movies about turkeys than just.... I mean, we could watch Cold Turkey, though it has nothing to do with turkeys at all. How about that Pilgrim movie, Solomon Cain? I would watch Solomon Cain just because it's badass.

Isn't there a Holly Hunter movie? Yeah, Home for the Holiday. That's one of the few that centers around Thanksgiving. I think it's that one and Pieces of April are about the only mainstream Thanksgiving movie. And Eli Roth keeps talking about doing Thanksgiving.

He's a slacker. Yeah. I mean, it's like he did Cabin Fever, which was clever, and Hostel, which was like. Not so clever. And then he made Hostel 2, which I didn't even have a desire to see, and that's like it.

Did Hostel 3. Did he do Hostel 3? Yeah, I think it was just a straight-to-DVD. I haven't seen it. Good for him.

I don't know what to do with him. He seems like a jackass. It was like he had promise, but then just sort of fizzled. I kind of like some of the stuff that he likes, but just every time I see him, his acting is atrocious. Yeah, just him as a person seems to, He.

Worked really well as the douchebag wet t-shirt contest host on Piranha 3D. Only because you sat there the whole time going, I know he's going to get eaten. I know he's going to get eaten. Damned if they don't deliver. Spoiler alert.

But everybody in that movie gets eaten. So, man, it's okay. Oh, man. So, chomping at the bit, we really want to get to the movie this week. Is that what you're saying?

Blood Freak. Blood Freak. All right. Well, we'll take our break here, and we'll come back I don't know if we need to reload the plates again and go have some more food. I have a cookie.

Along the way, I might go get a cookie, actually. But along the way, this, again, we have to pass this along because she's a slacker and she didn't come, but there's a little bit. Misty posted this on the wall the other day, and now we all have to suffer. This would be a song called It's Thanksgiving from Nicole Westbrook. I'm sorry.

Blame Misty for this one. Teenage white girls rapping is not a good idea at all. Indigestion. Yeah. All right.

We'll be back. And I should take a step and. Say thank you, thank you For the. Things you've done And what you did, oh yeah, ooh. Yeah December was Christmas January was New Year April was Easter And the.

4th of July. But now it's Thanksgiving. We, we, we're gonna have a good time. Oh, oh, oh, it's Thanksgiving. We, we, we are gonna have a good time.

With the turkey and mashed potatoes. We, we, we are gonna have a good time. With the turkey and mashed potatoes. It's Thanksgiving. It's Thanksgiving.

You know school is out. I can show. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. Mmm, turkey and dressing and pie and cake.

And fruit salad and whipped cream and cranberries. Gee, I can hardly wait. Me too. Well, you know, children, we've had a lot of expenses this month. And, well, your father and I thought that.

Well, the truth of the matter is, there just won't be any turkey this year. No turkey for Thanksgiving? Are you tired of film podcasts where the hosts exist in a constant blissful state of agreement? I mean, the main characters are two of the dullest main characters I have ever encountered in any film. Well, you're in luck.

Let me introduce you to Chinstroker and Punter. One is an ex-film student. With a penchant for David Lynch and art cinema. The other is a man on the street. Listen, the perplexed and horrified terror has made terror parts one film a week.

It just really isn't. It's not visually striking. No. Just getting confirmation. That's the third time, though.

I mean, is this on? You can find us at csvsp.libson.com. So come and share the victory. If you could fuck any man in film, who would it be and why? My answer is Lance Henriksen.

He wouldn't tell. He looks like some... He looks like somebody you can keep a secret. This holiday season. Prepare to have the stuff you're scared out of you.

Thanksgiving. In the town of Plymouth, Massachusetts, the fourth Thursday in November is the most celebrated day of the year. The table is set. The festivities have begun. One uninvited guest has arrived.

And this year, there will be no leftovers. From Director Eli Roth. Thanksgiving. Well, we'll just have to get along without turkey. Mom, you don't mean it.

It won't be Thanksgiving at all. Even the pilgrims had a feast. After all, isn't that what Thanksgiving's for? It's Thanksgiving. It's Thanksgiving.

It's Thanksgiving giving and I'm trying to be forgiving. Nothing is forbidden. She know we gotta have. I gotta give thanks to you and you and you. Can't be hateful.

Gotta be grateful. Gotta be grateful. Can't be hateful. Mashed potatoes on my table. I've got ribs.

Telling up my neighbor's grits. Can't deny having good times. We be laughing till we cry. It's thanks, thanks, Thanksgiving. Come on.

It's thanks, thanks, Thanksgiving. Give them thanks, yo. Tweaked Audio, your source for high-performance, noise-reducing earbuds. Available in three styles and seven colors. Durable and designed to sound great for both music and those chatty podcasts, like the one you're listening to now.

Tweaked Audio earbuds come with a one-year warranty, and now there's a special deal for Movie Meltdown listeners. Just go to tweakedaudio.com, and when you check out, enter the discount code MELTDOWN. Then you'll get 33% off and free shipping. Tweaked Audio. Sounds better.

Well, gee whiz, no, Dad. It's not that at all. Oh, I know, Dick. With turkey, it's easy to lose sight of what Thanksgiving really means. And don't think we're just making excuses because we don't have any turkey this year.

We. Well, we know it'll mean a lot more to us the next time we do have it. Well, sure. Suppose we don't have a bang-up feast. We're still a lot better off than the Pilgrims.

Hi, I'm Margaret Cho, and you're listening to Movie Meltdown. I am a jerky. Kill me. What a thoughtful gift. Why, you are as civilized as we, except we wear shoes and have last names.

Welcome to our table, our new primitive friend. Wait. What? We cannot break bread with you. Huh?

Becky, what's going on? You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now, my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the roadsides.

You will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller.

Gary, she's changing the words. And for all these reasons, I've decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground. It's time for Sofa Theater. We live in a world subject to constant change. Every second of every minute of every hour, changes take place.

These changes are perhaps invisible to you. Us, because our level of awareness is limited. Take, for example, how the things we do and say to the people we meet. All these things affect our lives, influence our destiny. And yet there seems to be some kind of fantastic order to the whole thing.

We never know how or when we will meet a person who will become a catalyst, Or who will lead us to one? What is a catalyst? Well, in this case, a catalyst is a person that will bring about changes. They could be good or bad. But there will be changes.

You can meet one almost anywhere in your everyday life. In a supermarket, drugstore, anywhere. Even riding down the Florida Turnpike. A pretty girl with a problem. Who could resist?

Certainly not Herschel. I like turkeys. When they're in my face. When they're on my face. I like turkeys.

They make me happy. Very happy. When they run around gobbling turkeys, they mean everything to me. Lucy is desperately trying to finish watching the movie. Actually, I realize it's probably a good thing you didn't get to a certain.

Part in this. Are we back on the air? I don't think you'd be. Okay with this. Yeah, I wondered how much you would enjoy this movie.

Well, a specific part of it I wasn't sure if you were going to be okay with. I actually started liking the movie at that part and then two minutes later. I was pissed off. That was a very clever cut. In the movie.

It was the only one. Yeah, probably. Okay, are you going to tell me what the next part is? Alright, so we'll get to it. We're getting ahead of ourselves.

So, we're back obviously with more crazy thanksgiving festivities here so um this. Week's sofa theater feature is blood freak. Uh yeah i don't know what to tell you sorry alternate title blood freaks the year is 1972 the direct tour is because it took more than one to get this done. Well, yeah. Brad F.

Grinter and Steve Hawks are stars. Are stars, surprisingly enough. And co-writers. The plot, according to IMDb, I don't have to say. That one's pretty on.

Well, more than that, it already clears things up that I really wasn't sure about in watching. I sat there and watched the entire movie, and in this plot, it already tells me more that I was like, oh, I wasn't really sure about that part. So this will put you ahead of the game if you haven't seen it. First of all, spoiler alert, but, you know, we get that out of the way. All right, so the plot according to IMDb.

A biker comes upon a girl with a flat tire and offers her a ride home. He winds up at a drug party with the girl's sister, then follows her to a. Turkey farm owned by her father, a mad scientist. A mad scientist? The father turns the biker into a giant turkey monster who goes after drug dealers.

Okay, that's a little off. That's not happening at all. No, not really. Sounds like a better movie. Kind of.

Kind of does. Yeah, it makes it sound exciting and interesting. This is just really fucking boring. That's, well, that was going to be my question. Where do you want to start?

That's where we're going to start. We'll start at the very beginning because it's got to be the slowest opening. It's just like, all right. It was like four and a half minutes of them driving on the road. They even stop at 70s.

Background rock and roll going on, man. It was like the opening to Manos, Hands of Fate. It's just like, keep driving, driving. Though, you mentioned they stopped even at the toll booth. That actually was one of my favorite moments of the movie is just the expression on that woman at.

The toll booth. There you go, I'm in a movie. It was the best look ever. Look at one of these things. It's a toll booth.

Have you ever seen one? Which I think was cut in later, too. It didn't look like that was the same toll booth lady that was actually in the long shot. I could be wrong because I was watching it on a very small screen. I like that you're looking for that continuity.

That early on because it doesn't get any better. I like that the movie, even though people messed up their lines constantly, they're just like, we're rolling with it. No second take. Just because it came to me now and I'm afraid I'm going to forget it later, the lamb chop lab assistant in the lab. That couldn't get his...

He would pause and you could see. Oh, you don't remember his name? No, I know. Gene. Gene.

You know Gene. There are times when I suspect that you're the brains for this outfit. I think if we're going to go right off the bat, it's before we're even on the road. As soon as it opens with our fun narrator. I love the narrator.

I'm like, oh, the wood paneling. That's when you know you're in trouble. If a movie can't afford real walls, I know I can make fun of it. I grew up with wood paneling. Yeah, we had that too.

Yeah, I'm just like, oh, this is going to be ghetto. Did you notice in the house there is... glossy black painted. I love the interior of Anne's house. That's because you love cheetah print? There's lion print.

Mostly cheetah, but there's not one, but at least. Two tiger paintings. I'm pretty impressed with the artwork. I think that was an original Rembrandt on The glossy black painted wood panel. As you would have.

Next to the black light framed poster or whatever that one was. It looked like it was like a black light conquistador or something. I don't know what it was. It was pretty groovy. She had a groovy pad.

Let me say that, that, that cheetah print beanbag she had going on that. Man, that's how you know she was cool. Yeah, the druggie sister, her hair was the color of glossy black painted wood panels. It's because they only had one color paint and they had to do everything with it. She was blonde when she got there.

Yeah, but that narrator, I mean, A, I love the fact that he's reading his lines. Off the script. Yeah, that was very obvious. My favorite part of it all is that he just goes into a coffee and grabs a cigarette. And it's just like.

That's good enough. We'll close with that anyway. Yeah, we're jumping way ahead, but I... Yeah, spoiler alert. At least he didn't get to that part.

Yeah, by the end, I thought it was. Well, maybe he just went with it, because that first one didn't seem like it was fake, but I almost... Yeah, the first one didn't seem fake, but then... I almost hurt myself laughing at that first one. It was the funniest thing in this movie.

There was only one thing funny and it was that guy coughing in the middle of his big monologue and. He just kept going. There's two funny things. I mean, this is also jumping way ahead when he's like, now what you've witnessed is based on fact and possibility. Oh, that was funny.

That's what killed me. He didn't do the pause. This story has been based partly on fact, partly on Probability. That was not the word I thought was going to come next. No.

Probability. And then, yes, then he goes, and yet there. Are far too. Many of us taking the good way of life for granted. Did you find like a transcript online?

Is that what you're reading? I wrote the movie. He typed it as he went. He was taking dictation. He watched it seven times.

There's a lot of quotable stuff in there. After he's turned into the creature, I just love the line with the two stoners or druggies. They make the comment, have you seen him? Man, have you seen his body? It's just not his body.

Have you seen his head? Here's the line. It's not only his physical appearance anymore. It's his head. He's just not commercial anymore.

And he means his mind. He doesn't even mean his head. It's his head, man. He's not even Herschel anymore. He's not even there.

Dude. See, you know what I really wish I'd done. Was write down some of these lines as it was going. We could have made a top ten list of just some of the cheesy lines in it. Because the closing line, well, you probably have it on there that the father tells the girl as he's taking her away to where it's just, you know, He's apologizing for the state of Herschel as he's going and getting in the car.

You have that there? No. No. I just remember it was something along the line of it's just he's apologizing to her. He's like, well, sorry, you know, we performed some experiments on him.

And, you know, we didn't know that he was a drug addict and that he'd been a non. It's like he's going on with this weird explanation. And she's like, okay. Yeah. It was in NOM and he was burned, which is weird because that dude later after this movie actually was badly burned.

Well, he looked like he had been anyway. He was. Early in the movie I sat there going, what is up with his skin? And then I thought maybe that was the real backstory, but his skin was weird. Well, maybe it was before the movie, but it sounded like from what I read that it was after it.

And he lost his animals this year, in February of this year. He had an animal sanctuary, but he didn't have the right permits to have an animal sanctuary. And so they took. Them all away in February of this year. So what has he been doing since Blood Freak?

I don't know. My wife walked by while I was watching part of this, and she saw the narrator, and she just... Couldn't watch it. She said, all I can think while he's talking is that he's probably dead now. So that's the narrator.

I think he was saying something like in sort of a Captain Kirk quality he had. Interesting how when we come to moments of despair, when we can't seem to solve our problems any other way, then But not until then. We turned to God. Only would be made better if you were wearing a cool purple slash blue shirt and smoking. People don't look like that anymore.

No. But they used to. I was there. I saw it. I've been there, man.

That's like a little digression in The Watchmen, if you've ever read that. Like in one of the stories in between the graphic arts panels where Alan Moore goes on this whole thing about how If you look at certain generations. In the U.S. history, I guess just in any, there's. Always certain looks to people that don't exist anymore. If you look at somebody, it's like, that person looks like they're from the 50s.

Just their facial structures and stuff. It's pretty characteristic of most generations as you go back and look at photos. They don't make hippie girls like the ones I grew up with. Every now and then you'll see one out walking around Bardstown Road and you'll think, somebody had to put her together in their garage like an antique car from spare parts because it's not really the same. Well, it's like that going further back, like the old pin-up girls from the 40s.

Girls don't look like that now. It's just a different body type. I don't know what happened. Something changed over these years, but it's weird. Yeah, it's really interesting because even though, like if you look at the Cheesecake model's, they had wider hips, but if you look at their arms, their arms are really thin.

If a woman nowadays were to have hips that wide and have any filling to her in her midsection, she would have thicker arms. That always confuses me. That's very strange. That's weird. I always just thought looks sort of fell in and out of favor and that the representations of them are sort of, but that doesn't, stand.

Well, I think partly it is people conform to certain looks, and so it creates the illusion that things existed that don't anymore. But I don't know. You ever think about this fantastic, Order of things. You're going to do that all the time, aren't you? It's just so fun.

I thought of him as, you know how, is it Bill Clinton's brother, is it Roger? The rock star? Right, the one that, he's like, oh yeah, you can tell he's Bill Clinton's brother, but he hasn't got his shit together. I thought of him as like, the narrator is like the Roger Clinton, Vincent Price. You know, he looked, he wanted to be the director.

He wanted to kind. Of have that look, but he was in the seventies and he, yeah, he couldn't keep his shit together pretty much. I can't think of Roger Clinton without, do you know the reference I'm about to make? It's our friend in common. This was during the Clinton era.

This is when Clinton was the president of our country and, His brother was going around on tour with his rocking band, and he came here to our town, and our mutual friend was working, and I think the band that he was setting up drums for opened for the Roger Clinton band. Afterwards, I guess the few people that cared were hanging around getting him to sign stuff, and he could care less about the guy, but he knew this is my one chance, and how stupid. Can I make this? So he asked him if he would sign. An autograph and address it, personalize it to Turbo Rimjob.

I know the... Yeah. You know who I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. And he did.

Without... Granted, he. Had to have been drunk off his mind. But without that, he and I went, Turbo Rimjob. All right.

And scribbled away. Here you go, buddy. And handed it to him. I was just like, that guy is related to the leader of our country. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe he just didn't care. I actually. I met Carrie Fisher at a convention, and she was just asking how they wanted stuff personalized, and I said, can you sign it to Bo, the restraining order stands. Carrie Fisher, and she did.

I like that one. It turned out nice. She's always had a sense of humor, though. I think she was also drunk, ridiculously, because when I got there, I mean, she had the convention security guard or whatever, and She just had this giant Sam's Club bag of Cracker Jacks. She tears it open and she dumps the whole thing out on the table and then she just tosses the bag down on the ground and she signs somebody else's autograph and the people there are looking at her like, what do we do?

And they start to clean up. Don't clean it. Just pick out. I just like the peanuts. Just pick out the peanuts.

You can clean the rest up. Those are good peanuts. They started making a separate bagged version of just the peanuts. Yeah. You have to look for them.

As they should. They're hard to come by. They're called Carrie Fisher's nuts. Carrie Fisher's nuts. Well, you know, if you go through a Taco Bell, I think I've mentioned this, and you ask for a couple of caramel apple loompa loompas, they just.

Give them to you. They don't ask you what you're talking about. What is it they give you then? The empanadas. Little orange dudes.

Deep fried. Deep fried orange dudes. You just say, give me a couple of those Oompa Loompas, and they throw. Them in the bag. That's any job where people can't pronounce things.

People ask me all the time for a gondola or an Americana, and I'm just like, I know what you mean. Well, we get that at the theater. They won't know how to pronounce the titles, and it's gotten to the point where nobody asks for movies anymore, like the movie Flight. They just come in, two for Denzel. Okay.

All righty. Inzel it is. I like it every now and then when we get one where it throws them like we had, oh, God, I can't remember. It was Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, and it ran over with a conspirator. We had them both for one week, and one week alone people just came in and said, one for the Lincoln movie.

Which one? And all of a sudden it looked like it just blew a neuron. Oh, if only the Spielberg one would have made it out faster. Three options they couldn't have. I know, yeah.

You ought to just find a way to get them all there at the same. Time. Every now and then, too, always the best one was two for the French movie. We have three. I don't know.

One of them you could probably sell. Whichever one they have a loaf of bread when they're on their way home. Oh, damn, that's all. Speaking of Lincoln, did anybody else watch the trailer and think it... When I watched it, it felt like a parody.

Yeah. Like, there's this video on Cracked a while back, the trailer for every Oscar-winning movie ever made, and it was just basically a parody, and that's what this felt exactly like. Yeah. I thought so. It was unbelievable.

And I get to go get paid to see it, which I'm very excited about. Because that's going to be a. Fun review to write. I don't expect to like it. That cocksucker Lincoln.

Fuck him. Cocksucker Lincoln. All right. We've spiraled off as we usually do. You're so big.

I like mustaches. And you must be very strong. And you're very beautiful. And you have a boyfriend. So?

You shouldn't be acting this way with me. Especially when you're with someone else. You've got to be putting me on. Guy doesn't mind if I'm like someone else. He wouldn't even mind if I went to bed with you.

I just don't go for a girl that acts like a tramp. Even if she's very beautiful. Well, thanks a lot. You're nothing but a dumb bastard who doesn't know where it's at anyway. So, speaking of.

So, let's get back to the emancipation of turkeys with Blood Freak. I was trying to figure out, like, as soon as we see our quote-unquote hero... protagonist whatever you want to call that dude i'm i kept trying to figure out what like what what is my term for this guy. I i call him the smoking narrator well no not him our like hero our guy on the bike and like finally as soon as he stops and he meets the old man and he refers to him as husky I was like, oh. I could use a Husky boy like you. I was like, you pinpointed it for me.

Thank you. I was leaning towards Meathead, but I mean, Husky will work. He looks like Andre the Giant and Joaquin Phoenix put together. Well, he's an interesting looking guy, but there's a little Roy Clark in there, too. Yeah.

And Eddie Money. And yes, Eddie Money. There's some Eddie Money. He seems like a cartoon. What was the big burly dude on like Will Abner or somebody?

Who's the one that like, there's somebody that looks just like him. Yeah, that guy. He looks just like that guy. Isn't there a line where they refer to him as like strong and handsome and appreciates being attractive to women? And then I was like, oh, he wrote that line.

Of course he did. Yeah. He did. That's amazing. That's some Joe Cocker.

Little Joe Cocker. Something. Oh, he's an interesting looking guy. That's one way of putting it. He has a lot of hair.

He's got really big hair. He had a lot of hair. It looms avalanche-y over his head. It kind of reminded me of the Yeti. His hair.

He was not near as expressive as that Yeti. No, no, no. I have a friend who his facial expression sometimes reminded me of the Yeti. I had to tell him about that. He was like.

Did he appreciate that? Yeah, he kind of did. He obviously hasn't seen the movie. Can you do that with your nipple? Oh, yeah.

That's gross. So.... The nipple. Do you not. Remember the nipple?

I thought it was like a sword. We thought that at first until we dissected it. No, it has to be a nipple. It's a nipple. You can wish it was whatever you want.

It really takes a creepy turn in there, doesn't it? Which I realize, yeah, that's one of the only times I'll probably say to somebody, no, it's not a sword. It's a nipple. It's not a gunshot wound. That's a nipple.

Come on, damn it. Oh my. We're better. Better. I liked it better.

And the religious sister. The angel. Angel. I also like that she disappears. She's just gone.

I guess. I didn't know what that was. Midway in I was just like. What happened to the other girl who was supposed to be like our main character? She just disappeared and we switched off.

It kind of turns into reefer madness. It's like he just smokes a joint and all of a sudden it's like downhill slope. I also thought it was like a movie. And he got hooked. I thought it was a movie version of one of those religious tracks that people go through.

That's true. It does have that quality to it. Very propaganda. Correct. It's very, very high and mighty.

But again, I'm assuming everybody in this movie was on drugs. But at the same time, they're so preachy about everything. That's what I didn't notice. Oh, sorry. I was just going to say, I was watching the movie and I was like, was this... put on by a church or something like that?

It seems like it. Because none of those people are actors, you can tell. These are just regular people that are like, hey, I'm making a movie, want to be in it? Oh. All of the acting was so stilted except for the drug scenes.

When they're sitting around doing coke, you're like, oh, that's people sitting around doing coke. It felt supernatural. But every other scene, they didn't know how to function or use words or. Drugs, no problem. Well, that very early party scene, I guess, is what you're talking about.

The scary part about that is it's not anybody from the movie. It actually just looks like Super 8 footage of your parents' friends having a party. That's exactly what I thought, too. We ended up at a party with a bunch of, like, 50-year-old hippie? What is going on here?

The one woman that was like, oh, that's got to be the mom. That one threw me. I was like, oh. She takes him to a party to where she's like 20 years, where they're both 20 years younger than everyone else at the party. It's just so weird.

And it's at her house. It's like a faculty meeting meets Fear and Logan in Las Vegas sort of thing. It's just so odd. It's like I've never seen that many horn-rimmed glasses partaking in drugs before. At least, you know, not until Wes.

Anderson films became popular, but that's a different story. Oh, but yeah, they're all so. Old in that little part. I forgot why she lived in that house, because she's like, I'm going to go change. And then he's, like, banging her sister.

Where is she? I don't know. She disappeared. He said about it or something because, like, she was kind of interested in him, right? Well, night and day and the passing of time seem to be a very incidental thing.

Especially once he went on the killing spree. I was like, is this all in the same night? Or is this multiple nights? I could not figure out a sense of time. I couldn't figure out if he'd even killed the person sometimes.

Yeah. Or if he was going... He picks the one girl. I didn't understand that he picks one girl up and he's carrying her off, and you think she's screaming to. Die, but she doesn't scream to die.

No she doesn't she kicks her legs for a while and that's it and then eventually she screams. She screams like after she's dying right when like her throat's been slit that's when she keeps screaming well that's the. Other girl too carries her she just kicks her legs like scissors yeah. She doesn't try to get away she just scissors them back and forth. Or when the one drug guy he sees it through the window so he leaves the house and he just kind of walks you know Instead of running to a historic lot.

And it makes the most noise ever. Right. Like you could hide in a place that's more quiet. Yeah. Is that the guy who got his.

Leg cut off. I was reading on IMDb, apparently he's actually an amputee. Yeah, he is an amputee. I thought that looked very convincing. I wonder if he was having so much trouble walking.

I don't know if his leg got cut off. He was having trouble holding on to the stump. He kept trying to slip out the pants leg. He wasn't an amputee when they did the movie. Just after that scene.

I watched that and I was like, how did they accomplish this? I was like, this is a really good effect. Look at that green screen. That's awesome. See, that whole sequence, because my three-year-old daughter was up, and so she was out playing, and during the scene where everybody was getting killed, it was a lot of fun, because...

The. Woman just kept screaming. She would scream and then stop for a couple seconds and scream again, and every time, my daughter would just scream right after her and imitate her. She was having a great time with this movie. It's good that somebody did.

Yeah, I know. It was more entertaining watching my daughter. Well, you know, anything she can dig, I can dig. Yeah. Yeah.

You are going to live and die by this movie. See, but then he switches to the other girl and then he digs the drugs. He's a very flaky man. Easily he changes. She calls him a coward.

And then he's like, okay, give it to me. I'm going to smoke and I'm going to fuck you. He's really bogarting that joint, though. Did you notice that? He's just like sucking it.

He's like, I'm going to share, dude. Or when he's hooked. That's why he got hooked. He starts getting these. His face does get a little expressive, though.

He looks really happy about it. It's like his eyes get all wide. He does have a little Andre the Giant. But also in the corner of his mouth, there's a little Arnold. A little trace of Arnold sometimes.

And when you see it, it's like dead on. And she, Angel, she's kind of like Peg Bundy Loretta Lynn. Yeah. You know, I think she's probably a really beautiful person. Like, she had very nice teeth and a very nice face, but her eyebrows drove me crazy.

What, the woolly bears? No, they were, like, these sharpie things that were just, like, drawn on her face. They kind of had, like, little cut angles. Yeah, like, not where eyebrows. Should be on a person's face.

They, like, started in the middle of her eye and, like, stopped. So you were thinking of the hippie guy who had just one big eyebrow. Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking of the drug guy who came into the house wearing a tight white t-shirt with a big wad of drugs stuck on it.

That would be the drug guy. Because his name is Guy. Guy. Again, they're so creative here. No, it wasn't Guy.

It was Guy's guy. It was the rapist guy. The wannabe rapist. Yeah, he had names. I like the fact that... herschel was named after herschel gordon lewis.

I thought that immediately and then yeah that's. What it was because no i that but i mean as soon as you said blood freak i didn't pay attention to the initial request i was like oh i love blood feast oh blood freak yeah wait a minute that's not right. My sister she's a doll but this bible stuff is really a drag. She's got a point i mean bible stuff. The bible stuff is a drag.

It is a drag really so it's like something out of star trek or the twilight zone yeah. The hippies were laughing. Yeah i mean the only thing that i remember laughing at a lot was the whole scene to where he shows up after he's transformed with the turkey head and he goes into her bedroom at night and she's not taken aback at all it's just like. Oh, what's happened to you? It's like he got a scrape or something or he has a black eye.

No, he writes a note to give her. He writes a fucking book because he has a turkey head. She's laying on the bed there and she's reading and so. That was before people became concerned with Saving Tree. But then it goes into the whole scene like it just blacks out.

I don't know if it was just they ran out of film or what happened but then you just hear like the gobbling sounds and the darkness. Well. No, that's my favorite. She has the whole little. Rundown there of like, well, I mean, you know, what if you stay like this?

I mean, she goes back and forth with that for like 15 minutes. Because that goes into the whole, what will the children think? What are they going to look like? What will they look like? Their father?

But my favorite is that he then turns the light off. Yeah. And so I assume then she's going to, like, scream or run out of the room, but she just says, oh, Herschel. Oh, Herschel. And I was like, okay, wait, now you're into it?

That makes you a turkey fucker. Well, see, it all turned out to be a dream anyway. Yeah. Spoiler alert for me. Spoiler alert.

Yeah, sorry. Which, what a boring dream. I mean, kind of, you know. I think he dreamed that it was a dream and he's really got a turkey head. That was a convincing turkey head.

Who dreams that they go to work? You've never done that? I mean, did you work for, you know? Yeah, I've had work dreams. They suck.

I'm sorry. When I worked at an art gallery, I would dream that I was vacuuming and closing up. And then the alarm would go off and I'd have to get out. I can't even remember if I... I mentioned this movie before.

It might have been you and I talking about Long Dream. Did I tell you about that? Okay, I thought so. What was the Spiral one called? Uzumaki was the other one.

Long Dream is just about this fellow where every time he goes to sleep, he's dreaming years of his life, and then he wakes up, and all of a sudden it's like 10 years ago when. He first started the dream. It's like only a day has passed. It's a guy that's been so. I want to see it.

I'm lost in here. What happened? No, Inception. I've lost a year of my life watching it. I loved actually working at the theater when we had that, because I loved to walk into Inception right before it ended and just hear everyone just.

It was like this audible, just like the audience was pissed at the screen moment. I saw Herschel with a chick last night. A chick. A chick. I get it.

This is after he has a fucking turkey head it's like urschel's not so great i saw him with a chick last night. Aside from the whole. Turkey fucking head thing he's sort of like dating. Around on you yeah. I didn't think Guy knew about the turkey head at that point.

I don't think he did. I don't think he did. She did. But it makes it funnier. Yeah, which is why when she's like, no, he wasn't, because she knows, like, no, he wasn't.

Oh, I couldn't tell. I had no idea. I was paying attention. I like actually that idea, though. You could almost make it into a comedy, like someone gets the turkey head, and the next thing you know, he's cheating around because chicks are into it.

At that moment, I was like, it kind of reminded me of like a Peanuts episode. Yeah. Beethoven's not so great. Yeah. What's so great about Beethoven?

Marshall, he doesn't even have baseball cards. I mean, it's not so great. I saw a little chick last night, a blonde chick. That's Sally, bitch. The awkwardness of him trying to drink the blood.

Like he'd get underneath it and let it fall on his head. He'd get it in his hands and he'd put it near the mask. So he's a vampire turkey. He'd rub it on the top of the turkey. No, you didn't cup it.

No, the whole logic behind it is since he's got the turkey head, he can't smoke pot, you know, joints anymore so he has to drink the blood of drug addicts so that way he can get a buzz. Again you notice how none of this actually comes through in the. Movie like i only figured that out from the tagline. Yeah it doesn't it doesn't ever really and he doesn't even seem like he's going after hippies or druggies or anything it's like he's just random Like, here's a girl. But they all happen to be drug addicts.

They all happen to be, but yeah, again, it's the 70s. That's everywhere you go, right? Why is it easier to kill high people and drink their blood than it is to, like, drink some type of liquid drug? I've been asking that question all my life. Well, again, I was like, why is he hanging them upside down?

And then it just spills out, and he can't... Yeah, I was like, there's got to be a more efficient system. You have to have a table. Yeah, I don't know why he hung it upside down. Blood is going to gush out anyway if you're slitting your throat.

I mean. If you had a flat surface, you could get a cup going. Come on, man. This is better. The guy, he cuts off his leg, and then he just sits under it.

He doesn't tilt his head back. He just sits under it and lets it fall on his head. Well, that's what... I don't know why. I just imagine this little thought bubble puppet.

It's just like... This fucking sucks. And it's dribbling all down his. Face like this isn't fun anymore. That might be the other time I laughed was when he slices off his leg and then just sits down like he's winded.

And just loves pouring all over. His head like he's taking a shower. He's just like winded. I actually started to enjoy the movie at that point because right after that, was. Yeah i thought it ended the thing well the thing uh you're probably glad you didn't get to lucy um they they show an actual.

Beheading of a turkey. And i got to that point. Oh shit lucy's watching this it's a snuff film it. Is it's a turkey snuff film it's pretty shocking too when you're there you're like what. They don't even lay the turkey i was just standing there and just wax it up and they're just.

For a long time I captured the horror anybody who wants to know that reaction we have the lucy it's. Sad that that was my first thought i was like oh shit lucy what have i done she is not gonna be pleased. I have sat through cockfighter i am i was like a harry dean fan i am all right and. Then was the weird thing with the turkey head on the platter and where they're all tearing at the turkey if. It would have ended there it would have been kind of cool.

That's the coolest that movie could have been. It was a fucking dream and that pissed me off. And then not only a dream sequence but then we get like 15 more minutes of shit we don't care about. 15 more minutes of let's lecture you of your morals at you and then let's give you a happy ending which we say we're giving you a happy ending just for the sake of a happy ending but we'll. Still give it to you anyway.

And then we'll give you a little more lecture right before you leave. And then a coughing fit. And we're done. I figured the coughing though was meant to be I felt like it was meant to be um because he's smoking. He's doing drugs.

So I don't know if that was the case. I felt that it was. I felt that it was almost like Dan Aykroyd's bag of glass toy guy. It had that quality. All along, he's sort of a narrator, and he's very serious.

Oddly serious, because everything in the movie is ridiculous, but he's talking about it like, he's actually talking about something. Are you talking about Dan Aykroyd from Nothing But Trouble? No, I'm talking about the old Saturday night. Oh, no, no. When he would come on the talk show and they'd say, well, there have been some concerns about this Halloween toy.

Oh, yeah. It's a bag of glass. Yeah, there's different colors, prisms and shit. Kids love it. And he's always smoking maniacally.

But. Yeah, I felt like that coughing fit had to be intentional. Spoiler alert. I mean, I don't even know what it's supposed to mean in the end, but it's like he's unreliable. I guess it's because they're talking about drugs and putting chemicals and stuff.

People are putting chemicals and stuff, and who knows what. Isn't there the expression about how, like, you treat your body like a mixing bowl or something like that in there? And so he's talking about that, and then I guess it's the irony because he's, like, chain-smoking all the way through. I don't know what. It really missed, it threw every possible theme you could in there aside from, like, saving the rainforest, but it was, you know, government manipulation of things, sending men to Vietnam, you know, Drugs.

Drugs. Poisoning the environment. Poisoning your body with chemicals. Yeah. It's like we've got to put it all in here.

Just cram it all in. All these issues, you know. And thinking they're making something important when it's, you know. And that very much has like that stoner reality to where you can just imagine all of them just sitting around just smoking one joint. After the next.

Like, oh, you know what else we should put in there? Yeah. Dude, that's the thing. It seems like it's made by kids that are high, so it's so weird that there's these weird heavy messages. It's like he's a monster because of Vietnam.

What if we make him a real monster? Let's make him a turkey, a half turkey, because Thanksgiving's where we celebrate America. So if we say, fuck you Thanksgiving, we're saying fuck you America for the war. Yeah. Yeah.

You're probably pretty accurate on this, by the way. Pretty close. That's pretty good. We want to see that movie. I'm pretty sure the eyes were ping pong balls.

I guess now we might as well start picking apart the head. Big bird head with a Hawaiian lei around the base. I almost thought it was like a belt strapped around, almost like he was wearing a collar to hold the head on so when he bent over it wouldn't just fall off. Was he still wearing that jacket? I can't remember.

The one that was too short and he kept pulling it down all the time because he was uncomfortable in it? That one. That's because he's beefy. He's beefy. Husky is the word.

He was beefy. Beefy and meat-headed. He played Tarzan? Yeah. He actually went on to act in something else?

This was before. Yeah, this was beforehand. Well, I thought it was, but I think it was during. It was in between. Tarzan sequel.

Yeah. He was burned. He came back to do another Tarzan movie, which in this country, they completely omitted the fact that. He was Tarzan. They wouldn't refer to him as Tarzan when they released him here.

The beak had teeth, but what's the point of the teeth if you can't open up your beak? Yeah. Right. I don't know. It does say on IMDb that the mask was made of papier-mâché, which it very clearly is.

It looked like papier-mâché. It didn't resemble a turkey at all. No, not so much. I mean, it was kind of like a turkey, but it was like, if you'd never really seen a turkey, if it was like a mile or two away. Maybe like an extinct species of turkey that used to roam America.

You'd only see experience turkeys through like cartoons or something yeah if they'd remade this like in the mid 80s back when there was this huge boom and prosthetic makeup and practical effects that could actually have been very disgusting and terrifying to make like a half man half turkey turkeys are pretty they're disgusting anyway just looking at them at the beginning there It's the waddle. Yeah. You could make almost like an Alfred Hitchcockian. I mean, Alfred Hitchcock isn't too far off. Just exaggerate the features.

His wiki says that he was tied down in a scene and a fire got out of control and he was burned and the lion, the trained. Lion, saved him. Wow. Because it had been trained to remove his bonds for the scene and And he got him loose. That's why he started his animal sanctuary.

He vowed he would pay the lion back. That's pretty awesome. By looking after big cats. And they took it all away. In a turkey mask.

Because it's the man. The government that he tried to take down with this movie. It's all coming around now. The man holding him down. His animal sanctuary attracted attention when a Bengal tiger escaped and was killed. in a robbery gone wrong in a liquor store.

No. The tiger had reefer met. Yeah. But he was arrested at his Florida home and his animals confiscated on February 27, 2012 for non-regulatory compliance in regards to animal purpose. It's a long span because he got out of movies in like 75.

Yeah. So that's a lot of animal taken care of. Yeah. I know a friend of mine like down the street this way is zoned so he could have a zoo. He told me that when he bought the house he could have a cemetery, a zoo, and maybe an airport.

Hmm. He wasn't sure on that. A zoo, maybe. It's harder to get yourself an airport. Yeah.

Well. my feeling from knowing him for years was that if he could have it eventually, he would have every fucking one of them. He was going to have a zoo cemetery. Well, yeah. Well, yeah, just have, I mean, what do they do with the animals over at the little zoo when they die? Yeah.

They need a proper area to bury them in a zoo cemetery. They feed them to other animals. It's a circle of life. There we go. I knew it.

Circle of life. If a zebra died, you'd think they could just use that for the lines. See, you start singing that, and now I'm thinking of that whole thing that blew up at school on Friday. Oh, yeah. How weird.

What thing happened? It was. You should show the prison video. Yeah, I should. That might be.

It was... I had some students. They were working in class, and they said, well, can you... one of the students said, Mr. Cannon, do you have any Pink Floyd? And I said, yeah, I've got some.

On my computer because I always play music in class. And the kid's like, well, good, because so-and-so just hates Pink Floyd. And the student says, no, I don't. And I was like, well, why do you hate Pink Floyd? And the student was like, I don't hate Pink Floyd.

I just hate the wall. And I was like, well, do you mean the album. Or do you mean like the individual song like Brick in the Wall? And The reply came, well, brick in the wall. I said, well, is it all versions?

And students are like, well, no, I just find the one creepy. Are there other versions? I said, well, there's this really funny video online where somebody took the song from Saturday Night Fever. Stayin' Alive, and they interlaced it with brick in the wall. So I said, well, how about I show you this?

Lucy's getting scared now. And so I start up the video, and like eight seconds in, the student just bursts into tears. I ran out of the room, and I was like, What just happened? And I went out there and. It's the Gibb brothers, man, are pretty frightening.

See, that's the whole thing. I thought, what if there's some weird, dark family history behind this song that I was absolutely clueless about? And it turns out that apparently it reminded the student of a dream. It's a great dream. From when she was 10 to where.

She was out in the field. And the hyenas from The Lion King chased her down and started tearing apart and eating her alive, and they were singing that song while they did it. Okay. This is horrible. I know.

Mostly because if I was dying, the last thing I would want is that. I'm so tired of that song from the first time. And apparently I reminded the student of that dream, and I said, well, there aren't any hyenas from The Lion King in my classroom, so why don't you just come back in? And as soon as we walk into the doorway, the kids in my class turned around and just said, we don't need no education. And she starts crying again.

It was just the craziest thing. And I started to go out after the student and some other. Kid goes, Hey, Kalen, leave that kid alone. I was like, stop it. The problem is they picked up on my sense of humor.

Kids are jackasses. I mean, when I was 11, my cousin Tiffany and I watched The Wall. And then we went camping. She lived in Bowling Green. And the whole weekend, her neighbors had been trying to convince us that there was mountain lions everywhere.

So one of them had a tape of, like, wild cats playing while we were asleep. They, like, snuck up and hid that in the trees by us and played this, like, wild cat noises. And then, like, attacked our tent with sticks. And, like, I mean, I can hear the wall, and I'm totally fine with that. That was where you went with that story.

But I can hear the wall, I mean. I can watch The Lion King. Yeah, it's cool. I mean, when I think of the wall. what rube goldberg series of events led us to this point it's. So much more interesting than the movie it's like we're so desperate not to talk about it it says something about.

There's really only so much you can say you quote the couple of crazy lines yeah and you talk about just how yeah how bad the turkey head was and just how ridiculous killings are and it's just after that it's just It's a death march at times. On the movie. It really is. I like cheesy bad movies. I like cheesy 70s movies.

And this one is just. It's horrible, but I'm kind of fascinated by it. I'm watching the other... Again, I thought. Fred would have a field day with just the visuals going on in the apartment.

It was just such an overload of the 70s. It is. All those dead dreams. But that's just looking at the way everybody was and looked in general. And they were all dressed as crazy clowns.

There was a period of our history when everybody went around dressed as crazy clowns. And I lived through it. I was there. My parents, people we knew, professors of academic subjects. would walk into their class wearing this thing like it was, I don't know. I can't get enough paisley in my wardrobe.

My fourth grade teacher, she wore hideous polyester 70s suits, and she had a blue beehive, and she'd always blow her nose and then shove the dirty Kleenex down her pants. Yeah. That's not creepy at all. I don't know. I think it's like, it's like as horrible as this is, I almost, again, I'm still just kind of fascinated by what it like.

I think we need to preserve these. Maybe as a thing to watch to know what not to do when making movies. I don't know. Hire actual actors. Yeah, like there's so many things wrong with it that I'm like, there's a little bit of it you've got to see.

Maybe not the entire run, but you've got to experience some of it. I think the problem for me is the conditions in which I watched it. Watching it in segments on YouTube, I think I would appreciate it a whole lot more if I was just at a relative's house and just bored out of my mind while my parents visited said obscure relative. And so I rummage through a. Box and find a VHS tape that says the word blood freak scrawled across it.

So I'd just pop it in and watch it. Then I would just be utterly fascinated because it almost feels like a snuff film of Hollywood or something, even though people buy it. Although it's actually a snuff film of a turkey. Yeah, it is a snuff film. Those are oddly specific conditions.

They are specific conditions in which I would enjoy it, yeah. The only narrow window I will ever enjoy this movie. You know, it was. I think it was not until the fourth segment, it broke into six segments, that you finally got someone being killed. And for something that should be a horror or a slasher or something like that, it really didn't. took a long time.

You should have given me something in the first five scenes. It did almost take an hour to get to both him being a turkey and the killing. Right. And that's an awful lot of exposition. Which they don't do very well.

And narration. But I liked the narrator. He was trying so hard to appeal to our sense of like stuff. You know, some people are catalysts. You never know.

When you're going to meet somebody who's a catalyst. And then he does that little expression like, I knew you were. Going to ask that. I knew you were going to ask that. Well, in this case, a catalyst is someone who leads us to a change.

Or it could be somebody who leads us to change. A person who leads us to a catalyst. Could be. Join somebody who's a catalyst. Let me get a chalkboard.

Lead you to a catalyst. Let me light another cigarette. This is serious shit, people. Because the world we live in is constantly changing. Think about it.

It's just such a blatant appeal trying to Prime us to get into our sense of, like, something's going to happen. A story is going to unfold. See, that's what I love about it. Like, there's not much. The story was based on fact and also probability.

But just watching that, I mean, like, it's another one of those. I watch it and I'm just like, I can't believe this exists. Like, I can't believe... This got made and they showed it to people. Not many, I'm sure.

But they showed it somewhere in a drive-in in 1973. That's what I was going for. I think I would just appreciate it if I just stumbled upon it more than even... I mean, I knew Blood Freak about it years prior because I always had friends tell me about it. It's just I never got around to watching it.

But I just knew it was bad. I just think If I had stumbled upon it in an old yard sale box or something. What's his name when he made Trash Humpers? Harmony Currents. Yeah, originally just wanted to leave a tape sitting out on the sidewalk somewhere.

So somebody labeled masking tape, Trash Humpers. So somebody would go. What the hell is that? Damon Packard kind of did something similar with Reflections of Evil. He just sent out a bunch of VHS tapes to rental stores like Wild and Wooly all around the U.S., just local rental stores.

Just send it to them. and that's at least how it got here locally. Well what if you saw it in an unopened vhs tape on a rack at nearly new consignment what then Could that work? Under what conditions? Let's make a list. Because there's a video there, unopened.

I've had to show it to people a few times. And it's called the deer lounge advantage. And there's a picture of it of a deer hunter. in a deer stand, but it's not just a deer stand. It's like a lounge. It's like kicking back up in a tree in this fabric seat.

I kind of actually want to buy that now. I want to see it. Because how are they going to make a video that's about a deer hunter being more comfortable? While he waits. Well, if anything, it would be just something funny to buy for a prop for whatever.

I mean, one that I've bought that I've got at home that I've never found the excuse to bust out yet, but I will in the future, is I found it at the Peddler's Mall on Dixie Highway. Oh, good. And it's a VHS tape that it's like, I can't remember what it's called. It's like Monster Ridders or something. And it's sponsored by Rosie O'Donnell.

And it's just this VHS tape that also comes with this special flashlight and a spray to where if you've. Got a kid that's afraid to go to bed. There's a nightlight. I have the nightlight. And if they're afraid to go to bed because there's monsters or something in the closet, you use the spray to get rid of them and you put the nightlight in and you have.

Them watch the video. Isn't Rosie O'Donnell what children should be? That's what they're afraid of. That's why I was afraid to never watch the video. But the nightlight's awesome.

I never watched the video. I've still got it sealed. I bought it for three bucks. That's the type of stuff I just like sitting around. You never know.

I have and have watched twice The Adventures of Young Moby Dick. It's a musical. Of course it is. Young Moby Dick. It's from the point of.

View of Young Moby Dick. And there's a starfish who for some reason sounds a lot like Mae West. And it's just a video that one of my daughter's friends said, oh, I've got this video of you. That's like Young Moby Dick. What's Young Moby Dick?

They just took Moby Dick and they talk about when he was a kid, growing up in the ocean and stuff. It's kind of like the Star Wars prequels. You want to know how he became Moby Dick. What caused him to? That was the dramatic question.

Actually, there in the way of just VHS tapes, just the Star Wars Christmas special, there's another one to warn us how people like him. What the hell is this? Has anyone here made it to the end of that? I watched it entirely. I'm impressed.

I watched it in its entirety. I remember it being on. It's so painful. Yeah, I remember it being on and just remembering little bits and pieces. And then when I got the VHS and went back and watched.

It years later, I was like, oh, my God. Should we challenge ourselves to make that a Christmas special? I can do that, but I don't know if anybody else will make it through. It would give me an excuse to make it to the end on that. I'm all for it.

That should be our special Christmas episode. So why did you take him out and dump him? Don't we have enough trouble in these experiments without taking a chance on a murder charge? All we did was give this guy some turkey. But, Mr.

Nolan, you didn't see him, sir. Who was scared? I don't care. He's still a man. The drug could be worn off by now.

That is possible, isn't it? Yeah, it could, Mr. Nolan. Honest, sir, I didn't think it could have any effect at. All on a human.

You didn't think? You dumb bastards, how could you let something like this happen? I think there's a level to this movie that's like that for me. What the hell have I stumbled upon? It's horrible, but it's that part of it that's horrible is what makes me think that.

The fact that when they cut from one scene to the other, it's daytime, it's night outside, and he's stumbling around. Why did we just jump ahead in time? Did we not jump ahead in time? There's just no continuity? The multiple times they will jump back and forth during the edits... between one take to the other where it does not match up, and you're just like, what did we just miss there?

I think that was an artistic style. No, it wasn't. Because he was dreaming, and, you know, in my dreams, it jumps from day to night all the time. Well, nice try. I seriously remember thinking that when he wakes up, and it was like, it was all a dream, and I thought, that's actually kind of clever, because now anything that didn't make sense.

Be it. production-wise or story-wise, it now makes sense. And that's why I was so upset about it. And what about all the horrible stuff going on before he eats that turkey and starts. Twitching on the ground? Doesn't make up for any of that.

Well, I don't know. Post-traumatic stress disorder. That we had? Yeah. I think we have it now.

That just made me think. I was trying to find. Walton's bloopers because there's one from well I was at the Kentucky book fair and one of the I think it was Mary Ellen was there with a book for some reason but so we were talking about it and there's a Thanksgiving scene on the Walton's where for some reason they have a giant silver soup tureen these poor mountain folk have this elaborate but all the kids are at I think it was a Thanksgiving. They're all sitting at the table, and they're like, we don't have any of this. We don't have any dessert or something.

And the old granny comes in with this giant tureen and says, you should be thankful you have anything. And she trips and spills it. Happy Thanksgiving. So, yeah, I was going to try to find that for my mom. She's like, oh, I'd love to see that again.

I don't know. I think that's the only thing to take from this movie. Like, again, if you're watching it for story, you're sad and mistaken. I think they make an effort to make something coherent, and then they go, oh, that didn't work. Fuck it.

It was a dream. So now what do we do? Again, there's nothing else to it. Like, the horror is terrible. The acting is terrible.

There's no writing to speak of except that wonderful narrator. So other than that, it's like the only thing you can take from it is the sheer absurdity that it exists. Actually, I don't know. Now that I look back at it. That exists and deep fried bourbon balls don't.

See, figure that out. Make sense of that. Figure it out. I think I now know how to look at it. And this is not a joke or anything.

It's like, what if, I mean, you always hear like, you know, if you really tie one on at a party and somebody tells you what you did or what happened and you're trying to remember back and you remember it in fragments, you're like, yeah, that sort of makes sense. I sort of remember that. It almost makes sense if you look at it as if the entire film is a social commentary on, we were on drugs. Look at what happened. This is why you shouldn't do drugs.

Think about it. It almost works in that sort of meta way. Whether or not it was meant to be a commentary, it certainly works that way. Because I feel like maybe they're at the premiere and it's like, oh shit, I kind of remember this. We did this?

You guys were. Yes, we did. You weren't filming that. Oh, God. Look at that.

There it is. I'll be damned. Dude, I was just fucking around in that mask. You weren't supposed to tape it. Jesus.

That wasn't really part of the story. It's a dream or something? Oh, it's a dream. All right. It's a dream.

That's cool. Like, every single sequence, it cuts right before they just all start laughing. Inanely, you know, for about 10 minutes. Yeah. One thing i i've got a chuckle at is when he she um the drug dealer brings over um since he's hooked um they're so worried about being hooked in this movie and uh right before he you know gets mad at him for supply and needing to be his supplier she's trying to light the joint he's like trying to drag off of it and trying and trying and trying and she can't get it lit and it's like I swear it's like five minutes that she just can't get that thing lit.

And he keeps twitching around. She's like, hold still. God. And, you know, she almost breaks character, you know, there for a second. Like, quit it.

I can't get this thing lit. Look, really, stop. I don't care if you're the director or not. I mean, my favorite long take is near the end. The fellow who's the amputee when he first shows up to do the drug exchange.

He just sits down on the couch. The other fellow goes into the kitchen. And the camera's just lingering on him, and it's not even in focus. It starts to zoom out, and it starts to go back in. And I feel like at that point they're.

Like, should we cut? Should we keep going? And it just sits there while the fellow in the kitchen's talking, and the guy's just sitting there just looking around. Like when you go over to a friend's house, like you're getting ready to go out or something. And it's like, oh, I've got to get ready.

Just hang here for a minute. It's like, okay, it's that. It's that awkward sitting. It's uncomfortable. It's like.

I like the scene before that with him when you see him at his place, and it's like he's making his brown bag lunch for the. Day of drugs. He's like, I need a little to go cup of coke and a couple of these joints and a juice box alright I'm all set he's just brown bagging up some sort of drugs I don't know if this is his operation I. Like that it all operates out of brown bags All I could think, though, is as he's just throwing those joints out, I was thinking, those are going to get decimated. It's like, that's a waste.

You speak from experience. You never put the juice box in last. No, you don't want to smash the joints. And you don't carry a bag under your white t-shirt, so it looks like you have a big colostomy. Bag or something.

That's why you wore... The big bell bottoms. You stuff it down in your sock and nobody can tell. Again, speaks from experience. I did have a memory, though, because when she was opening up the.

Oh, here it is. I'm sorry. Go on. When she was opening up her band-aid box, the little tin band-aid box of joints. I used to keep, like, you know, stormtroopers and stuff inside.

Yeah, like, let it rip with the gun so they don't get lost. Perfect, you know. And or I used to keep my dice from my Dungeons and Dragons set in the little metal. This is the alternate version. There were like the cool kids who kept their drugs there.

And then you were keeping dice in there. I was keeping Stark. I thought you were working up to a story to where like, you know, you had an older brother or something. And then when he walks in, you've like put the joints in the hands of the stormtroopers. They actually slid out of the lightsaber slot.

There we go. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was never that cool. But it gave me that memory of, oh yeah, they did used to come in those little tin boxes like that.

Now it's a cheesy little cardboard box. You can't keep drugs in there. Because there's a war, and we've got to help defeat the Nazis by saving all that metal. Conserve the metal. Oh, Lord.

I don't know. Is there anything else? Again, it's the absurdity of the thing is the only thing that carried me through that. It's pretty. Yeah, because had it not been, I mean, imagine if it had not been for the turkey head drinking the blood, how slow and intolerant this would be.

If it was just the message movie about drugs, if it was just Reefer Madness and they didn't have the turkey head, yeah, I mean, if it wasn't the narrator and the turkey head, it wouldn't get you through because those two things are, you know, you just sit there the whole time entertained by the fact that they're on screen. But the acting leaves. A lot to be desired. It was pretty amazing. I did like the Bunsen and Beaker two lab men.

Any scene they're in, I love them. Well, that or the old man. The dad, that first scene he's in where he calls him Husky, he also totally forgets a line. He gets midway in and stops and is like, Danny! And just rambles off in some other direction.

Again, no take two there. Just keep rolling. They bring him out the big turkey in the the foil wrap thing and the sound quality is so bad but you can hear him sort of with this this hum going on you you hear uh him say i hope you have a good appetite i have to split now i've got some work to do in the lab and then he sits down to this whole turkey With turkeys clucking around. I like that they feed him in the middle of turkeys, and they feed him outside like an animal, which he kind of seems like an animal. In the way of hearing odd stuff, I remember hearing when he's threatening the drug dealer, and it wasn't until later I looked on IMDB, I realized what I'd heard was apparently a director's command, because after he is choking the drug dealer, and he lets go of him, you hear something, and I was like, what did they say?

And apparently it was the director saying, Just like whispering at him and it's still on. Oh yeah. Early on when he's just sort of like meeting up with the druggie sister, you hear the chair squeak like it does in the porn sequences in Boogie Nights when they're filming the porn and you hear the chairs and everything is just awkward and done as poorly as a film could be done. And this is all real is the sad part. Yeah, like when he gets up out of the leather chair he kind of sticks to it.

Like, Separate with a thwack. Once again, everything in the 70s was sticky. Yeah. And as he plays his game of wits and ego, his comments could be what caused the chain of events and the moments of horror and agony that were far greater than his experiences in the hell of Vietnam. Anything else to do with this thing?

Well, I don't know. I don't know, Brian. I think we should escape. Well, okay. Probably that's for the best.

It's best for God. Because it did remind me of a friend of mine. Said she regretted clicking on this link to vaginal plastic surgery. And she said, this exists? This exists.

Are there people who are like, Oh, that's not pretty enough. So they've got to go. And immediately I thought, holy fuck, I do know of one case where, yeah, a guy dumped a woman because he didn't like the junk. He put him off. And it was because it had this little, like, extra bit kind of like what we named it a waddle there was this like little extra stuff and it bothered him because he was familiar with it from.

Porn as we all are and so he thought it was a result of porn like activity and he just thought the woman was a little too wild for. Him these are things to be concerned about i. Suppose because of the waddle thing and so It's just odd to me because we're talking about this exists and how bizarre it is that this exists. And it reminded me that, oh, my friend said, there's plastic surgery for vaginas. There's labial reconstruction.

And then she said, why? Are there people who are going, that's not pretty enough? And I thought, yes. In fact, there is one case where I do know somebody had an objection. So there is a need for everything, is what you're saying.

This movie needs to exist for some reason. See, I'm glad I brought the camera so I could document Lucy's expressions during all of that. Do you ever think about this fantastic order of things? No. How far does it go?

How far does it go? It's almost like you're getting ready to start off with the Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park thing. It's like, you know. God creates man, man destroys God, man creates blood freak. I'm just saying nature finds a way to create.

Well, if we're also going to quote that movie, I'll quote the line, just because you could doesn't mean that you should. You might be on to something there. All right, I think we should get the hell out and go have seconds on some turkey here. Okay. Or Turkzilla.

Bride of Turkzilla. So thank you to everyone who made food here. Bride of Turkzilla. Is this one a bride, too, or is it just the first generation? It's like a compassionate aunt.

The compassionate aunt of Turkzilla. Of Turkzilla? Or of the bride of Turkzilla. She always has a fashionable handbag. I thought maybe she was just like a sidekick, kind of a friend to the Turkzilla bride.

She has 270 hats in her barn, and she wears a different. One every day. Maybe she's like... The maid of honor. I think they live together.

They live together, but we never mention that they may be a couple. Her favorite show is Newhart, but she hates the Bob Newhart show with a passion. She doesn't understand why. Interesting. One more reason to get the.

Hell out of here. Which one of those turned out to. Be a dream? Actually, the second Newhart show when he had the golf course or whatever it was. He had the hotel or the Larry, Daryl, and Daryl Newhart show.

That was Newhart. That was Newhart. Yeah, it was by the, that's right. Never mind, I'm thinking of the final episode where they move the golf course in next to it and that's what. That's right.

Why don't they really, they don't do that so much anymore. You know, like the Lucy, you know, there was I Love Lucy and then They kept giving her a different show after that show would expire. They don't really do that. They do that. I mean, look at how many times George Costanza's had a show.

Yeah, and same with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Yeah, I guess so. Everybody, they kept giving them shows. You just got me thinking, how many series ended with a dream because Full House ended with a dream? Did it?

I think the New Harbor's the first. Roseanne was like, it was not a dream. She was writing it all. It was like a book. Yeah.

Dallas was like season 5 Dallas was first Dallas was the one that I think Newhart was then making. Fun of yeah I don't know how any of this has to do with turkeys I. Don't think I ever watched the last episode of. Full House I just want to see this Walton scene oh no never mind I take that back no Full House that's right Michelle, she got amnesia. And they had flashbacks to all the previous episodes to remind her of who she was.

That's just a flashback episode. Like the final episode of Seinfeld, yeah. that's a cop-out too. Which is still one of the best episodes. If you're going to do a clip show, Seinfeld is a good one. Alright, are we done with this mess?

Yeah, we're getting ready to get distracted. Go start the leftovers action here. We'll send some leftovers to any viewer who makes it through Bloodthirsty. Or freak. That's for another episode.

We do have Blood Freak here from Monster Dog. That's the closest thing I could come up with. I want a Blood Freak action figure. Where you can put the mask on and off. I would follow that.

What's funny is the head, the bad paper mache head, kind of looks like the Alec Baldwin head in Beetlejuice. Think about it. It's pretty close. It's kind of a mix of both of them, maybe. It really looks a little more like an emu, doesn't it?

Except if it had his actual haircut on top, then it would really look like an emu. Yeah. Because he kind of had an emu hairdo. Emus are terrifying. On that note.

Otherwise, that about does it. We will return next week. Same geek time, same geek feed. Thanks for listening. Tonight won't be Feel the.

Hunger I need media Yeah, give us love. And give us each hell. Back from my coffin, I'm on the prowl. I'm lost, I'm lost in the witching hour. Tonight we come on the green for Halloween.

Fear Feel the hunger. Pull that ride, baby. Come on, yeah. All right. I'm saddened that we're not eating turkey to the sounds.

Of fucking turkeys. Kind of turn back on the movie. This episode is a production of Movie Meltdown, produced and edited by The Oddity Studios, with opening music performed by The Empires. For more on how to sponsor or support the show, email producer at moviemeltdown.com. Talk hard!