207: A Life Day Celebration

Hey kids, it's Brian. Just a message before we start. What you're about to hear is our fifth annual holiday celebration. Five years we've been getting together for our little makeshift party to eat too much novelty food items and talk about movies and the holidays and whatever. And in the process, we've really become this little dysfunctional family. a band of geeks and weirdos that somehow found each other.

And by my organizing this little traveling road show of movie fandom, it creates magic or horror, whatever you think comes out of this every week. But whatever it is we do, I've come to value it immensely. It's become one of the most important things in my life. Just us getting together and this talking that we do every week is kind of amazing, at least for me. And hopefully you guys.

Get something out of it, too. And every year I try to expand the show to give us new opportunities and to be able to bring you something new and different and hopefully interesting. But to expand the show, we need to be able to get it out there to more people. And with as much stuff that's out there flooding the market these days, that's really become the hard part. So this holiday season, you want to give us a gift?

And hey, I know you're dealing with a lot of money issues. We all are. It's hard to come up with cash. So I'll tell you what, this won't cost. You a thing.

What we need you to do is help spread the word about the show. Go online, tell your friends, repost our episode links, write an email to your local paper or your favorite blog or whatever is the best way to get hold of people in your area and tell them to check us out. Even leave us a five-star review on iTunes. I bet there's still a lot of you out there who haven't even done that. And even little stuff like that makes a big difference if everybody gets on track and does it.

And all of that is stuff that really needs to be done and won't cost you a dime, but it will really show how much you care about the show. And you at least care enough to listen. So if you're going to invest time each episode with this little dysfunctional family, why not do your part to support the family? The rest of the gang here actually goes to a lot of trouble and commits a lot of time to put these episodes together for you. So if not for me, for them, do what you can and help spread the word about the show.

And the best way to do that is to join the Secret Circle. you know i've been advertising this since we began but really all it is is just a network of of you know the really dedicated fans that that want to work with us on this and we have a handful of people on board right now and they are awesome a big thanks to those who are already helping us out you've done some great things in the past and and continue to be there for us week in and week out and help us spread the word about the show and i really appreciate that but to everybody else out there email us at geeks at movie meltdown.com and say, I want to join the secret circle. And then we can talk and come up with the best ways to get the show out there into the world.

So message us and let's work together this next year to make movie meltdown even better. So for the time being, I'll say happy holiday of your choice and let's get this very special life day episode rolling. The following program is a special presentation. Merry Christmas! Dinner with Bob!

The following feature has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. It is intended for mature audiences and parental discretion is advised. Our nuclear reactor pumping out one million kilowatts of power. And when Benjamin falls asleep, the both of you can play spin the dreidel for tongue kissers. Bells, bells, bells, the thing they do is ring.

Bells, bells, bells, what happy thoughts they bring. Bells of every kind and sort Bells to play and bells to. Sport Chiming what the hour is now Or they'll lead you to a cow. I was afraid you'd ask what is a. Cow Bells, bells, bells, make such generic sounds Bells, bells, bells, when Christmas comes around Bells when snow begins to fall Bells when friends begin to call Bells when love is in your heart Bells when Christmas carols start In each and every land where peaceful harmony dwells.

You will hear. Loud and clear. The thunderous, wondrous sound of bells. What's up and welcome to Movie Meltdown. I'm Brian.

I'm Fred. I'm Greg. I'm Ben. I'm Dave. I'm Lucy.

I'm the second Ben. And I'm Beau. The second, like the second shooter? Are you gonna. Shh.

Oh, the grassy knoll. You're the grassy knoll. With that, happy holidays, or... Happy Life Day? Whatever.

We're trying to figure out what the hell to do with this. This is the first of our holiday episodes. You guys are excited, right? It's like going to the doctor. Less excitement and more anxiety, I guess.

Once a year, you have to do it. It's on the schedule. I gotta do it. It's like going to the vet, hanging your head out the window. On the body.

You do that every time you drive somewhere, don't you? Holiday season should come with Novocaine. Oh, well, for this one, I thought instead of, you know, normally we throw out some sort of dorky movie we watched or something, but this time I thought we'd do something holiday-oriented, and nobody else put anything in, so I'm going to have to go with mine, I guess. So I've tried to come up with a title for it. I think I'm going with Holiday Baggage.

It's the stuff that just sort of comes along with the holidays. Good, bad, or otherwise. You can take it. However you want. We'll probably do a lot.

Of bitching because that's kind of how we are. But, yeah, just the stuff that accompanies the holidays. So this time, it occurred to me maybe a long time ago, but it specifically occurred to me last year as I was driving home and this came on the radio. This one is about a specific song. Yeah, I.

I have problems with it, and I don't know how much of it registered before that time, but I think I'm going to have to get a partner here, and since the rest of our female cast members have been slackers, Lucy, I. Think you're recruited. What's about to happen? This would be, maybe it's cold outside. Ooh, I could see a Margaret.

And, um. No, I think it works better for the point I'm going to make if you're the girl voice. So, yeah, you get the non. You get the non... Marlena.

If you're out there, I'm going to kill you. Yeah, yeah, because I might have made her do it. This doesn't seem like a good idea when he's sued here. That's how I feel. About this song, the more I get into it.

So, okay, this will be, you know. Well, we'll get further rundown, because then I was like, because so many people have covered this thing. So it's Frank Lesser, who is actually pretty well established. I'm sure many people are familiar with him. He wrote Guys and Dolls.

He did How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. He has Tony Awards, and he won an Oscar. So we actually have a movie tie-in here. This specific song is the reason he won the Oscar. He won it for Neptune's Daughter. the MGM movie with Hester Williams, Ritz Kelton, and Ricardo Montalban.

And, yeah, I don't know. I think you can see if you feel differently about it, but when I heard it on the radio, I stopped and thought about how much they play this. And how awkward some of it is. And nobody seems to know this. We're going to discuss the rape angle.

Is that what we're doing right now? Go ahead. Are we singing this? No, I don't want to. That's the thing.

I think that's part of it. I think we get lost in the fact that they're singing these terrible lines. So I think this will be our. Dramatic reading of the heat that's cold outside. Like William Shatner when he sings.

Yes, that's very similar to how we're going to do this. Spoken word for all day. Okay. Is this starting now? Yeah.

I guess my line's first, right? Go to town. We don't have the blue and pink. I don't know who's who. Okay.

I really can't stay. Baby, it's cold outside. I've got to go away. Baby, it's cold outside. The evening's been...

I've been hoping that you'd drop by. It's so very nice. Oh, hold your hand. Just like ice. My mother will start to worry.

Hey, beautiful, what's your hurry? And father will be pacing the floor. Listen to that fireplace roar as I shove you into it. Really, I'd better scurry. Beautiful, please don't hurry.

Well, maybe just a half a drink more? Put some music on while I pour. The neighbors might think. Maybe it's bad out there. What's in this drink?

Okay, that one right there. I'm sitting there arriving home and I got to. That line and I went, wait, wait, what is this song? What the hell are we listening to? You're about to ruin Christmas for me.

This has long been one of my favorites. Like the Ann-Margaret Alhart version of this song. This is devastating to me what's happening right now. I feel complicit. It needs to be spelled out.

It's just a strong train. Yeah, that's all it is. It's just a strong train. There's not anything else that's really creepy here either. No.

So, we're done. I love that there's three pages left. Well, we can. Skip ahead a little if you want. Is there a lot of these ropes going on?

I ought to say no, no, no, sir. Yeah, I ought to say no, no, no, which my response is, you. Mind if I move a little closer? At least I'm going to say that I tried. What's the sense in hurting my pride?

Hey, my pride is more important than your sense of self-worth or. I don't know. I think there's a lot of. By the time she says, at least I can say I tried. It's all about the wind, I guess.

So, you can look through and see. There's so many lines. I simply must go. The answer is no. Yeah, yeah.

There's some really creepy things going on in this song. I'm sorry. How many times does he say, your lips look delicious? Honestly, lend me a comb. Does Hannibal Lecter sing?

And then my favorite, okay, I know there's a part here. Wait a minute. Now that you bring this up, it would be really cool to take this song and edit, just pare down Blood Freak. into the span of the movie, but added it to this song. I think I would watch that. So, is he saying it's cold outside because I want to be in you?

Is that what he's saying? I think, I don't know, I also, I mean, there's that angle. I also read it'll continue to be cold as I'm burying you in my backyard. I mean, there's a lot of levels to this. Or maybe he's like, he needs to wear a hirsute, like...

Hilary Duff. Not that kind of person. It's human nature. A skin that he can wear. I'm still laughing.

At the Christmas roofie. That's really delightful. I've actually had this exact same thought about the theme song to TV's Different Strokes. Because if you look at the words to that, I think that they're basically advocating. any kind of criminal activity. I mean, think about it.

The world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for... Basically, they're saying that if you're into child molesting or whatever. Who am I to judge you? Because the world, it takes different strokes to rule the world.

How many times did you watch that very special episode? How many times did you go to the bike shop? Well, what I'll do is after I'm done editing Blood Freak to this song, I'll get the different strokes theme song and I'll edit down the. Movie Happiness to it. Just keep this up.

You know, it basically is advocating multiculturalism and all its twisted, sick forms that you can think of. Who are you to judge? Again, not to bring our Frank Lesser pal down, but we get midway in here, and I know some of it's sort of bantering with your lines, but at the same time, just with rhyming my own lines, he rhymes hurry with hurry. What are you, Fred Durst? You can't rhyme the same word in the same song.

I don't know. I have issues with this song. That's all. That's your issue with this song? It's all rapey subtext, and then he rhymes hurry.

In addition to that, of the many other levels of. At that point, he just forgot, like, he doesn't care about Rhyme anymore. He just really wants her. To hurt him. I really hate the way that Rhyme thinks of Dr.

Seuss, because he'd be like. God damn it, he's just making shit up! These words don't even fucking exist! You got a point there, actually. You know, I heard the other day that Dr.

Seuss used the word contraceptive in one of his children's books just to. See if his editor was reading. And somebody read the line. And said, oh, that's clever. Oh, but they cut it.

I don't know what it wound up being. Wow. When you brought up Christmas issues, I couldn't think of any, but then naturally, immediately, I thought of like, oh yeah, there's that thing that I've devoted my life to, which is like how Frosty the Snowman and Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Hamlet are all basically the same story. But I'm just going to leave it at that. Because it's like a lecture.

It's 30 minutes on Hamlet. If you can knock it out in a reasonable amount of time, we can save it for. The next one. Well, it's just all about people being replaced. And of Hamlet and the invasion of the body snatcher.

You know, Hamlet, all the way through, that's the single action. From the guard taking the place of the other guard in the beginning. And then. everything then his uncle takes the place of his father that's the whole issue then the actors come there and actors are people whose job it is to take the place of somebody else oh and they've been displaced in the towns by these new younger troops that everybody likes now to the point where they're digging up old bones to bury the new dead that's the whole structure of the play until the entire kingdom is replaced And then, you know, and that's Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It's just this disturbing replacement theme. And the thing with Frosty the Snowman is that he melts.

Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt. Anyway, it's a lecture that I've been doing for years. But he's gone, okay? And they're going to put a magic hat on. He'll be back again next year.

Imagine that moment. The kids go out. They build another snowman. It's great. Frosty's going to be back, but he doesn't look the same.

This is like maybe Lumpy the snowman or, I don't know. George the snowman. It's It's not going to be the same. You know it's not. Things just haven't been the same since Frosty.

And, you know, the kids are a year older. Things have changed. I was going to say, what stage do you grow out of wanting to do that? Yeah. You know, the point in your life where you get old enough where it's like, I liked him, but I just don't want him to come back this year.

Yeah. They're not going to put the hat on. And I know they're not. I got a lot of stuff to do this year. I got kids now.

I don't have time to run around with Frosty and Do parades in the middle of the street. I got stuff to do. And what does thumpity-thump-thump mean anyway? I'm not sure. And that's disturbing enough in itself.

Thumpity-thump-thump. Fall in love. It's the rape index. It's the mantra they say to bring Frosty alive every Christmas. He eats the magical medallion of a carrot in his face.

Shut this carrot in your face. I give you life, this carrot. It also could be a Frankenstein theme, too. Well, Frankenstein, it's one of the first books I read that I kind of got into the intellectual subtext. I don't know if it's deeply intellectual or but it is broadly intellectual because you can find every fucking thing in it.

It was like, I. Read it when I was a kid, and then the other day I was thinking, oh, wow, what if it's a doppelganger? Like, Frankenstein is essentially like a self-created person, like in sort of the existential sense, he's created himself, and that, fuck, I never thought of that. That's a whole new. That's how you know it's good stuff.

Still, years later, finding whole new layers. Or it's just a sign that says, down the road, a billboard that says, this sign means something. You just apply your own shit to it. Yeah, like that one that says, prepare for sudden stop. It's like, well, if I'm prepared, it's never going to happen.

What do you think the meaning is of, okay, Dr. Frankenstein creates a monster. He wants to create life He wants to create a new individual, but he never gives it a name. Do you think that if the monster would have had a name, you know, because now everyone thinks, oh, Frankenstein is the monster, but that's not the monster's name. No, it was Barry.

But do you think if Barry had had a name, you know, then maybe he wouldn't have seen him as a monster as much? I think it depends on the name. You know how much a name is somebody's destiny? There have been studies that show that kids with uncommon names tend to actually be bigger troublemakers in schools than those with common names. If you want a kid that's going to go to college and make back as a doctor, I guess you have to name him Cody in this day and age.

Let me remind you, you're talking to Fred. Yeah, I'm familiar. I've never heard of him. There's a lot of Bo's out there, too, I'll tell you that. Ben, Ben obviously is common.

Nuh-uh. We're everywhere. Everybody. We rounded out Baby It's Cold Outside? Do you have any other horrors that you've just realized of the new layers you're now discovering of Baby It's Cold Outside?

I'm going to go home and start looking for rape subtext in every Christmas song. If you listen to all the romantic songs ever made, There's so much raping, bullying, bullshit, subtext. And that's always the argument I've had when I hear people complain about how raunchy television and everything else is nowadays. It's like, no, it still was that way in the 50s. They were better at hiding it.

They knew how to use euphemisms better. Or they hid it in plain sight. It was like the purloined letter. And then there was that whole host of heartfelt songs about teenage girls. My creepy old days.

Sting even has one of those. Everybody has one of those. Hey, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum, man. She's 16, she's beautiful, and she's mine. Hands up, dammit.

I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, which is like, one, you can read it two ways. Either way, it's very creepy and traumatic. Like, it's like, a little girl waking up and saying. Her mom, literally kids like making out with Santa Claus, which is disturbing in its own way. Like, why would Santa, like, that's weird.

Okay, but no, what it's really about, it's like her dad is dressed up as Santa. It's a little girl finding out that Santa's not real. And not only that, he's making out with her mom. There is a Polish play, I think it's translated as White Wedding, where there's a Santa Claus rape scene. I remember when Len was in graduate school, that was going around.

So nobody could get anything produced in Poland, so they just wrote whatever the fuck they wanted. They would have, like in this scene, a disembodied head floats through the room, because it was never going to get produced. So they would just do whatever came to mind. Is this the first podcast to talk about Christmas, Ray? Probably not, but.

I don't think I'm proud of that. Hey, Brian. Come, they told me. Oh, wow. I'm dead.

Taking it to New York. The rape index just went way up, I know. You're in so much trouble when you get back to your podcast. When they hear what you did over here. All right, have we covered this then?

I think, yeah, we should get the hell out of here. We haven't mentioned Leon Redbone. Well, that's what I was going to say. We really ought to mention him. There's no creepier version.

Than the Leon Redbone version. But he's so good. So essentially we just exist in a society where we're working up to the point where. We have advent calendars filled with Rohypnol. Is that what it is?

No. I don't advocate any of this nonsense. All right. Okay, so we're going to, well, I don't know. For that horror, I think we're all going to suffer because now we're going to take a break and we're actually going to watch the first half of the Star.

Wars Holiday Special. So it's okay. This is our penance for saying those horrible, horrible things. We'll be back. I really can't stay.

But maybe it's cold outside. I've got to go away. Baby, it's cold outside. This evening has been so very nice. I'm hoping that you drop in.

I'll hold your hands, they're just like ours. My mother will start to worry. Beautiful, what's your hurry? And Father will be pacing the floor. Listen to that fireplace roll.

So really I'd better scurry. Beautiful, please don't hurry. Well, maybe just a half a drink more. Put some records on while I pour. The neighbor's my thing.

Baby, it's bad out there. Say, what's in this day? No cash to be had out there. I wish I knew how To break the spell I ought to. Say no, no, no, sir At least I'm gonna say that I tried.

I really can't stay. Baby, don't hold on. Now, but it's cold outside. Oh, cartons of camels are sure to please. Besides, they look so handsome under Christmas trees.

So easy to give, so good to get, give camels. the nation's favorite cigarette. Ho, ho, ho. It's gift-packed, ready to give, with a space for your greetings. Santa Claus conquers the Martians. Santa sets up a fantastic automatic toy factory on Mars.

The Martian leader battles the wicked bulldog in a desperate effort to save Santa. The Wise Man of Mars. 900 years old. The Battle of the Toys. When Martian kids and Earth kids join Santa to battle the bad guys of Mars.

The Battle of the Toys. For real space age fun, you'll be out of this world when Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Here we come a-waffling along the lease of green. Here we come a-waffling so fair to be seen. Love and joy come to you, and to you your waffle too.

And God me, but you're making a lyrical error in that fine old Christmas carol. Doing the presentation of my foods. Because I stuck with the theme. So these are officially Wookie Cookies. Or Wookie Ookies if you unfortunately listen to the show.

These are Bosque Brownies. And this one is a specialty. The Bosque Brownie that has been turned into the Millennium Falcon. Which I'm pretty thrilled with that one. That was a fight to get to turn out right.

And you are drinking, you think it's hot chocolate? It's Hoth chocolate. Nice. There's a theme. You can pretend these guys are Ewoks.

I was already doing that. He has gingerbread Ewoks that kind of look like men, but whatever. Fred, would you like to explain yours? I think we need to nominate one of the Ewoks just to be George Lucas. I think.

He is missing a neck. Well, mine is, well, it's a shark eating Santa Claus. And then I had the top of a pineapple and a toothpick, so I thought, stick it on there, see what happens. And then it's surrounded by a kind of mixed vegetable chum, which I keep throwing out into the. Lovely.

All right. It's like Robert Shaw as Santa Claus in that scene. Yeah, I was trying to do it more like that, but I didn't have a boat container for him to be sliding down. And then I started thinking about CO2 canisters. I don't know.

You can get those little ones, but you're just going to hurt yourself. In the long run. Yeah, I ran out of time on that. So I just went with the Santa. Oh, and.

They're Swedish fish mixed in with the fresh fruit. As well, there should. Who are really just not feeling the fresh fruit thing. That would be me. Yeah.

My Christmas sleigh went down. No distress signal been sent. I will give you credit. At least you went with a theme. I figured nobody else would do the dorky links that I went.

But you went with not only a Christmas slash holiday theme, but... the movie theme so you've got it. All wrapped in wrong movie but I'm on the right track it's a movie I feel like. You should encourage me oh that's. And I am. Dave I do not get superheroes oh my god I don't get you.

What don't you get Towerbot here Well, the meatbags were going to say that if you're a geek and like podcasts, then you could try Tower of Technobabble at www.toweroftechnobabble.com. Then this started. Well, it's up to you. I'm gonna get my taser and put a stop to this. Towerbot out.

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Just go to tweakedaudio.com, and when you check out, enter the discount code MELTDOWN. Then you'll get 33% off and free shipping. Pre-audio. Sounds better. A high school girl's been murdered.

Mr. Harrison's daughter is missing. And now at the house where she lives, the other girls are getting obscene phone calls. Looking for that moment when. There's peace on earth, goodwill to men in the ghetto.

The ghetto. Merry Christmas. I'm listening to Movie Meltdown because I'm John Saxon and I like to do. That. I triple dog dare ya!

Because of the following special program, Wonder Woman and the Incredible Hulk will not be presented this evening. The Star Wars Holiday Special Starring Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker Harrison Ford as Han Solo Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia With Anthony Daniels as C-3PO Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca. R2-D2 as R2-D2. And James Earl Jones as the voice of Darth Vader. Introducing Chewbacca's family.

His wife, Mala. His father, Itchy. His son, Lumpy. With special guest stars. Beatrice Arthur.

Mark Carney. Diane Carroll. The Jefferson Starship. Harvey Korman. And an animated Star Wars story on the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Oh, my stars, I've never been so busy before. It seems Christmas arrives sooner each year. Christmas in the stars, Christmas in the stars What a merry Christmas this will be Christmas in the stars, out among the stars, lighting up a Christmas tree. Come on, everyone, and sing. Our hearts are full of joy.

Full of joy. Full of joy. And music's in the air. In the air. In the air.

And voices want to sing. And we will sing. Go on, how could you ask a question like that? Of course I'm getting ready for Christmas. It's all right here on my list.

I've got mistletoe and holly. I've got peppermints and lollipops and 20 different kinds of chocolate bars. Everyone will be delighted. Even I am quite excited, getting ready for Christmas in the stars. Yes, Artu, of course it's terrific.

But there's more. Everyone will have a cookie. I bought extra for the Wookiee. I just hope that everybody can be here. If they all have marked the date, and if none of them is late, we'll have our greatest of Christmases this year.

And then they said Hilary Duff in 18 minutes. And everybody's clapping. Just the inexorable passing of time is so great. But, you know, most of them probably had never been to a concert, and so, oh, this is what you do. You have a countdown.

You have a giant clock. And I don't think it was the real Hilary Duff. I really don't. Well, Hannah Montana set the precedent for, you know, pretending to be someone else. Yeah, but, you know, Hilary Duff was before.

I'll bet there were three Hilary Duff concerts on that exact same night. It's like Slash. There's probably like ten Slashes. They're like Santa Claus. They're Hilary's little helpers.

I thought y'all were going to sing, man. No, it's creepy. I love. That song. My heart is broken.

It's so creepy. I don't know. I'm taking it back. Wow. I'm taking it back, man.

I love that song. My kids sing that song. I made them. I'm like, you learn it. You learn it.

Sing it. It's like that Arrested Development episode to where they sing, what was it? Sky Rockets and Delight. Or Afternoon Delight. That's what it is.

Oh, yeah. Nice. Where, yeah, Michael sings it with his niece at the holiday party. And they're both, it's like they get halfway into the song, and everyone at the party is just looking at them weird, and suddenly they realize the awkwardness of what they're singing, like him to his niece. Ah, yeah.

Oh, it's like that movie where Gerard Depardieu does Thank Heaven for Little Girls, and his daughter has told everyone at the hotel that. He's her mother. Yes. Yes. You know, I once worked at a banquet center, and they had a father-daughter dance.

It was like a sorority or something, had a father-daughter dance. The DJ played J. Giles Band's Centerfold, and it just was creepy that these fathers were dancing to their angels out on the dance floor. I'm sorry, they're playing J. Giles Band's Centerfold.

It's going to be creepy no matter what anybody's doing. It could have been a dark room with nobody in it still. At least it wasn't Celebration, because I was here that every banquet has to have Celebration played at some point. There's a good chance this might be the biggest screen this particular thing has ever been shown on in history. I think about it.

Have you seen this before? I felt like it was lodged somewhere in my brain. But I thought what I remembered was something watchable. Stop that. Look at all the smiles and faces.

Lucy looks in pain. Lucy looks like she's seen, like, Seven chickens in my head. She's got this look on her face like, I don't know why I let you agree. Just wait and save. Me.

Oh, Lord. All right. Well, you can tell by the cheery attitudes. We've been watching the Star Wars Christmas special. Yay.

Let's do the official rundown here for this week's Life Day feature. This is the Star Wars Holiday Special. The year is 1978. The directors, because you need more than one, star Steve Bender and David Acomba, who smartly is uncredited. So he's hidden this away in his career.

But damn you, IMDb, for digging it back out. Yeah, because they're such prominent directors now. Yeah, I mean, they're pretty huge. Well, the first guy said, Look, I'm putting him on there, too. I'm not going to take the blame for this.

You're not. No, you're not coming. I think multiple directors means somebody quit halfway through this. More than one, probably. The plot, according to IMDb, Chewie and Han Solo are trying to get home to Chewie's family so they can celebrate Life Day.

Spoiler alert, I don't want to ruin this for you. It's quite an intricate plot, so go watch it. Have you ever wondered how Wookiees open Christmas presents? Like what their struggle is like. This is where you can find out.

So it's very educational in that regard. Well, to help us celebrate Life Day, look, I brought us a Wookiee. It's a bobblehead and it's Chewbacca if you were a werewolf. I like that. Yeah.

It's good. That would look good on the dash of your car. I just smiled for the first time in an hour. Yeah, I'm just going to sit here. And bobble his head, and this is going to be way more entertaining than what we just watched.

Look at him go. I decided that a two-hour Jar Jar Binks special would. Be better than that. You know, it might be interesting because I think it's obvious what we all say. We should go around and each say, one good thing about this.

We'll be out. The spirit of life day. The spirit of life day. Thank you, Lucy. That is an interesting challenge.

I like that. The weird, awkward, long pauses in between each person's sayings. Let's take a ten minute break and think of something. I will get the ball rolling. One good thing about.

This, there has been no special edition with CGI and reworking the effects or anything. This is as pure Star Wars as you can get. In the worst possible way. But yeah, it's pure. I'll give you that.

It's unadulterated. In the extended Wookiee porn sequence, I enjoyed Diane Carroll's outfit. It's a good thing. I liked your sparkly hair. It was shiny.

Done. Next. I liked the kitchen. It was an okay kitchen. It was better than the apartment in Rosemary's Baby.

It's really livable. You were a good hangout. I liked the architecture of it. It was like the John Lautner chemistry house. It's kind of.

Simple, but not, you know, like, it's not rustic quite. And it has that great room feel. Like, the space is. Defined, but open. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And they shop at Ikea, obviously, because of that bookshelf. It's a treehouse in Sweden. What do you want?

That is a good thing. Yeah. The standard of Wookiee living is pretty high in the Star Wars galaxy. It looks better than anything in Star Wars. Yeah, the Wookiees were living it up.

I mean, how many TVs does that treehouse have? I will say one thing. I found myself fantasizing about Diane Carroll? Well, no. About the possibility of whittling a X-Wing fighter.

That looked pretty cool. You're going to go home and try that. How do you do the laser turrets? They're delicate. That is some intricate workmanship on that old hairy.

Especially since it's so hard for them to. Open the packages. The dexterity involved. I wondered how they pressed the buttons on the computer screen. Their hands are so big and furry.

They've got those special touch gloves like they make now for everybody's touch phones. I did like that when they were looking at Chewbacca's photo, it couldn't be like a regular picture frame. It had to be a shadow box. It's like a block of Lucid. I was going to say, the main thing I like about it is the elements of the 70s that are in the first Star Wars film, like the bad hair and that.

It's even more so here. I mean, the very fact that they have shag carpet in the Wookiee house, I mean, it's like, Just think about that for a minute. Shag carpeting with creatures that are covered in hair. It would just have to be constantly matted down with it. I was wondering if that was grass or moss.

I don't know. Maybe. I decided it was both. It's grass and carpet. Space grass.

I like that I'm the little player in which. like a little band lives apparently starship yeah starship. The jefferson star jefferson starship i. Guess if you don't like the band you can just smash. Them yeah they're just these little dudes down there you're I kind of got the impression that that device played just that song. You can't really swap it out.

You have to get another device to play another song. They have these plastic records that you slide into the back. It was like the Fisher-Price one that you wind up, but it only came with three records. I like that distraction, too. To have one of those where the police pull you over and it's like, do you realize how fast you were going?

Yeah, I've got my license. Here, take a look at this for a quick second. Let me get it. You just open it up. What was the bizarre series of motions, like a little dance you had to do to get it to play?

I think that was Art Carney. That was just magic happening on the screen. That was hilarious. I have no idea what that was about. Don't know either.

If you knew Art Carney. It was like he was getting his miniature flea to play a violin. I don't know what he was doing. There's just a lot of hand gestures and signals. I thought he was having some kind of meltdown.

We all were. He was so nervous. For the stormtroopers. He's like, let me turn this on. He was pressing things and maybe having a stroke or something.

It's like, this is not going good. Do you have anything good? Yeah. Where's your good? I like that George Lucas invented Cirque du Soleil.

Among many other things. Right. I also noticed, I think. Joe Dante was watching this at some point, because the Art Carney character, isn't he kind of the dad in Gremlins? Isn't he selling him the bathroom, buddy?

Yeah, essentially. And then throughout that entire movie, the good movie, Gremlins, He's like, anytime he gets in any situation, he starts trying to sell somebody something. As soon as the stormtroopers. Come in, he starts trying to sell them. Well, let me give you my card.

He's always selling, and I don't know. I'm really glad to watch this. You know, Walmart, Target, isn't like that. You just go in and get out. You don't have to listen to some guy spilling you.

Although, they do the 5-6 number warning. That's Best Buy, really. But he actually starts the whole rattling. He's almost doing step right up. He's just like.

Yeah, I'm glad when I go into Target there isn't a guy in a heavy woolen shirt open to his navel. Are you sure about that? Wait a minute. Think about that. No, but seriously, going back to...

The whole Target, Walmart thing. Imagine if you had this for sale. They release it on DVD. How many clueless grandmothers and well-meaning aunts and uncles are going to buy this for kids in the family? And the disappointment could just start all over again.

And Lucas, he would make a bundle if he sold this. He would make a ton of money. Not anymore. Disney would make a bundle. Is this possible that this will come out?

Because Disney doesn't care. Disney likes money. Well, I don't know. Disney doesn't like money enough to release Song of the South. That's taking too much of a hit.

I have a copy of that, and I keep meaning to get it. Cop bank. It's been out in time and place as a. Fun thing at the time I'm sure it was great if you look back at it now it's not so fun and. If anything the Star Wars Holly special taught me that pirating stuff is okay to do.

As long as you're a space pirate. Lucasfilm has never gone off after anybody for pirating this. Actually, it never was. Okay, this only went on the air one time. So this was obviously taped in 78.

Do you know the history of this actual copy that you have? Me, personally? I mean, I know for a long time. I think now that it's hit the internet, it's changed. At one time.

I swear it was all the same copy. It was like one guy that had a VHS player in Minnesota somewhere. It might have been Detroit. It actually was because they had local ads running. So the one that I had on VHS back in the day, it actually had all the commercials in it and it would run the local spots and it had the union.

That's what I'm thinking. Maybe it was Detroit. It had a whole yay, join the union kind of song and dance number. And And everybody I knew that had one had that same copy. Like, it really, like, it was that guy that, like, saved this from obscurity.

And, like, we all kind of paid the price. But at the same time, it's kind of cool that somebody made that big a difference. That this many years later, so many geeks now have this and have seen it and have suffered through it. And it's all that guy's fault. Do you remember, was it all GM advertising?

Because they're the only sponsor mentioned on this. But I would have thought somebody like Kenner. No, there was definitely a Star Wars commercial in the. Middle of it. I don't think you could have gone through it without a McDonald's ad.

There was a lot of Marvel ads. Everybody was tuning in to this. We were making a ton of money off advertising. Seeing this made me realize my action figure collection was not complete because I did not have an. Art Carney or a Maude. or Harvey Korman.

I want the gay green guy, the dancer with Cirque du Soleil. I mean, awesome. And you face it, this is canon. Timothy Zahn, not so much, but this is. They were supposedly working on a giant sea serpent that we'll get to in a little while, but just to say they were supposedly, like that was thrown out there that they thought they were working on that to go with the Boba Fett, and that's why the Boba Fett became the male end, because.

That's the. Only thing that wasn't scrapped out of that whole. Little run they were planning. So was anybody besides me actually conscious when this was first run? I was watching it.

I remember, okay. Because I was like 13, 14. Yeah, I was watching it. I distinctly remember that I had to get my bath early because I had to have enough time to watch it. This was last week when you watched it at home.

Yes. And it's funny, my only. Real solid memory that I have from this is I remember the Spartan Troopers forcing their way in. But in my memory, they came from left to right. The door was on the left-hand side.

I don't know. I don't think our memory does that. Yeah. You were watching it in a mirror. And I remember them tearing up his teddy bear, too.

I'm misremembering it Well, we left off before they'd gone upstairs, so maybe that's yet to occur. Yeah, we stopped just for you guys at home. We stopped at the halfway point because we needed a break for one. We don't know if. It was the halfway point.

We just stopped. We needed to come down after Starship. That was intense. I cut off right before you get to the animated part because that's at least incentive to go back because we might never return. Because that's really the only reason to watch the.

Rest of it. That's the only reason any of us were tuning in. We had heard that they were going to have this introduction of this. New character, Boba Fett. I think Starlog and some other magazines had reported it at the time.

See, this is where you're slightly older than me. I didn't know any of that. All I knew was Star Wars was on TV, and that was a huge deal. I just wanted to see Han Solo. I didn't know any of that.

I'm old enough, but I didn't see Star Wars until I was 30-something. Why aren't you reading your Starlog? What's wrong with you? And I just saw the tail end of the one where he gets his hand cut off. Spoiler alert!

He didn't say his hand gets cut off. That's why they call him Han Solo. He's just got one hand. And so I'm like, then episode one, they made that, and I started watching them. with my kids, and I thought, oh, well, now I can watch them in order. And then I was like, oh, fuck, no.

There's more of them. And I remember, oh, well, now the dramatic questions that have to be answered are what. Happened to Darth Vader to fuck him up. Which they still haven't answered, in my opinion. Well, they at least addressed it.

And then the other one was like, what does Yoda do in a fight? And they did it. And they did it. They did that one. He turns into Bugs Punx.

He's like the fight. No, he's more of a Tasmanian devil. It's funny though. I do think they did make action figures of Chewie's family. If somebody out there wants to Google that.

They might have. I think they had a. Lumpy, Maul, and Itchy. I think there was already an action figure at the party. At the very least, I guarantee they molded some.

Before they ever aired it, I'm sure they molded them. I have a weird memory now of this. They were really big into mailing in things. The one guy that I've met on any production of Star Wars, he was on episode one, though. He was a sculptor.

He said, as soon as I was done. With my design, even before they gave their blessing that it was good to go, they sent it to the toy manufacturer to take a mold of it and have it ready. Because everything has to have a toy or be able to make a toy. Except Art Carney. When did Art Carney die?

Did this thing kill him? Did this kill him? I can't remember. When he died. I think it was a few years later.

He was around for a while. Oh, shit. Look at that. Did they make him? Oh, yeah.

They've got the full family. And she's got boobs. It is an action figure. Wookiee boobs. Technically.

Here we go. Is she wearing the apron? Hey, there's some Wookiee cookies. What is there? Yeah.

Wookiee cookies. There we go. Which you've been enjoying. Is Wookiee cookie. A euphemism for?

I think I've listened to that. Those are like old school figures. I mean, are those something they were actually made? That's not something somebody custom made. That looks like real.

And they were actually released, and it's not just like a prototype toy. That just looks like a mold of Chewie's head on her body. Yeah, it could be a homemade. Well, no, she's slightly more feline, I think. Not in the movie.

Yeah, but who's going to... Okay, even if she's a replacement.... Kenner Prototype Toys. Chewbacca and his family. They were just figuring that this. special was going to take off and they were going to be selling it.

Then maybe in the prototype there is an Artari in there. Oh yeah, and here's the house. Oh wow. Star Wars special. They probably have a cardboard cutout of the house.

You know, I was thinking if that is a. Very nice Wookiee house, the typical Wookiee house, what do you think their shower drain must look like in that house? Maybe they have some sort of a space train that takes care of it. It's like a vacuum. A very well thought out article.

It's called On the Improbability of the Death Star's Trash Compactor. And it considers those kinds of issues. Because for one thing, why would you compact trash? In space. I've read that same thing.

It goes way, way in depth on the trash compactor. Yeah, and why do both walls move at the same time? Yeah, because you wouldn't need that because you could just push up against one. Yeah, it breaks it down. I remember reading the same article in it.

It's like a treatise on the trash compactor of Star Wars. It goes on for pages, but it's a very interesting read if you're a big Star Wars fan. Well, I do like with that treehouse we see he already had the plan, because that's basically what the Ewoks are. Right. I mean, he's totally come out with that.

He's just like, that was going to be the plot in his head, was the whole planet of Wookiees in the third movie, and then they just broke them in half. Even in the first film, I think if you go back to those really early drafts, there was no Death Star. There was a battle station on the Wookiee planet. It was called Wooka. And there was going to be a big land battle to try to get.

In there and rescue the princess. It was a lot more like Hidden Fortress. Yeah. And gradually they started pulling that out and pulling that out and got back to it with Jedi because they didn't really want. To come up with ideas.

Do we know the actors who played Lumpy? Do we really? No, I'm curious. Because they're canon. How come they.

Aren't at the conventions being interviewed? They should be. It could have been right next to Peter. I don't know. They said the Mala and Chewie reunion after all these years.

Right. She's still waiting for him to get home. I know. Sure. You go off and fight your rebellion or whatever it is you do with that space.

You better come back for life day. I got to stay here and watch She Harvey Corbin. I'll be home for life day. I love how a pirate. Looks like he has a 9-to-5 job in this.

You know, he hasn't come home from work yet. It's a total front store. In the back is where he's manufacturing. Weapons for the Rebellion Army. And I was thinking, was Itchy in one of the wars.

Is he like an old veteran, maybe? They should have thrown him into the prequels. That would have been smart. See, they're fighting a lot. He should have been the one escorting Yoda out of.

There we go. He'd still look about the same. Maybe that wasn't... Maybe that wasn't... It was...

It was. I don't remember their name. If you're going to work it in, then you might as well interlink the Ewok movies into whole... canon too because those have. Kind of gotten lost over i thought lucas at least acknowledged those didn't. He did he acknowledge those in the prequels i think they were sold with a little girl yeah.

Yeah oh that was horrible that might be worse. Than this yeah but i thought i mean again he released those i thought so i thought those were at least sort of official like this is the bastard stepchild that he won't acknowledge i bet starship was pissed because they thought man this is gonna be huge. We're gonna get this More famous than ever. You'll notice this was the era when Grace Slick stepped out of the band. You didn't see her rocking out.

She's like, we don't need her anymore. We're going to have all this Star Wars money coming to us. They had the purple lightsaber before Mace Windu. Yeah, see? This is kind of cutting edge.

Of course, imagine if they had replaced John Williams with Jefferson Starship. Oh, man. What a different empire that would be. Do you think they actually auditioned bands and they were like, Well, you're called Starship. I guess we'll go with that.

I see some producer going, wait, Starship, Jefferson, get them on the phone. Even better, just John Williams comes up with orchestral music for them to perform. Blend the two. Do we want to go into the, like, laughing bits that we went into watching Starship? It's funny that they never connected with any of the great, like, art rock bands of that era.

Who were doing stuff that would have fit so well. But they didn't have a space-sounding name. I'll bet you the guys in Emerson Lake and Palmer were like, oh crap, why did we call ourselves Cosmic Battle Station? Then we would have been picked. Maybe they just didn't look enough like Spinal Tap and they didn't want that.

Maybe that's the whole reason this thing. This was made so that Spinal Tap could be made. It may be. Once again. We're looking at a picture of the single that was made available as the Jefferson Starship single from this classic holiday episode.

He's still immersed. Up into it. He's still immersed up into it. I'm a real astronaut. God love you here tonight?

Oh, will you take me higher than the moon from the sky? As seen and heard. I like how they're trying to kind of imitate the moving font of the intro, but they do it the wrong way. So it's like moving away. Going out the other side of the galaxy.

You know, in the very beginning, I wonder how many pedantic Star Wars. Star Wars nerds were like, that is the wrong thought. This is not right. That is a squeeze times new Roman. I wonder if they had time at that juncture to get to that point.

I mean, how long, that's a valid question, how long does it take to become a pedantic nerd? Like, how long do you become a fervent geek once a new genre, because I mean, Star Wars was a new genre that was born, essentially. Yeah, before that it was nothing but Star Trek geek stuff. What is that final sacrament that you have to go through and then you go, aw, crap. Confirmation.

You have to. I've got that boiling pot like you did on Kung Fu. It just comes right to the table. Perhaps it was a rite of passage that you made it through this. And actually, you know, how many people...

We're working on it. This is the firewall. Right. Right. Well, you came out on the other side.

You're one of us now. The question, too, is were there any kids between the ages of, I don't know what their demographic was, between 6 and 16 or whatever, that legitimately liked this? I remember making a point to watch it. But for all of you all who are old enough, or anybody, has anyone ever talked to somebody who liked this? No.

Because there are people who always like everything. There were probably some little kids. I mean, they keep making Adam Sandler films. Somebody has to like them. By the time this was out, Saturday Night Live was out.

So we were laughing our heads off at stuff like that. You know, I was probably seven, eight. I very well could have liked it for all I know. It's just one of those things where you can't watch it over. sort of forgot all the Harvey Korman and the dancing queens and just focused on, oh yeah, and then Stormtroopers came in. You saw Stormtroopers.

Tear it up. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. That's all that matters. That's the thing. I don't remember most of it from the first time.

Like, I remember that it did have them. Like, I remember Han Solo's in it and Chewie's in it. And there's Mark Hamill and he's wearing a lot of makeup on. Yeah, I vaguely remember the Harvey Korman cooking show and then I remember... I might have...

Later, I think, don't we end up in a cantina? Yeah, yeah. We had mods there. but it's mostly leaping into the future now by the way do we know what was on the other channels. Because the Muppets wouldn't have been on I'm. Glad you brought that up you know we were talking about how recently they have put out the original Sesame Streets from 1972 onto Netflix and we started watching them and they were amazing and I was and you just I'm just constantly impressed by how funny it is how.

Clever and And then I see this, and it's like the exact opposite. Right. This is just really pedantic television. Muppet Show was out, I think, but it was syndicated. Right, but it wouldn't have been on.

I mean, I assumed that this was a Friday night broadcast. Almost all the specials were Friday night. I know the Muppets were out. It was a. Syndicated package, so it was shown at different times.

I think Muppets came out later. Usually around 7. So what you're saying, there's a kid somewhere watching this originally that's like, Mom, can we change it to Macmillan and wife? Yeah. There's like manics on.

Come on. It might have been endearing had it been half an hour. I mean, you could have almost looked at it back at its tongue in cheek, but when it drags on for two goddamn hours. Something else that we're forgetting is this was made at a time before there was video recorders. Except that one guy.

And there was no cable. So every year they had holiday specials for every year. And it was always a big deal. And Well, there were VCRs out as early as 75, but it just mattered how many people could actually afford it or would do it. So I knew guys in 78 who were taping stuff, but I didn't know anybody who taped this.

I think I've brought it up before. He had one of the two-piece that came with the camera, and you had to actually hook it up, and it had actual buttons. Kind of like was on the thing here. It was almost. Like the old tape recorders that you had to hit the buttons.

It was just a giant version of that that you jammed the tape in. I just wish I could have heard the phone call of him calling a Paris and Ford and saying, yeah, we got this line in your contract. But he's giving it his all. He's really trying. I give him that.

When he shows up at the end, he still seems to be trying. Out of everyone, he's the one who's just Trying his best. Carrie Fisher's phoning it in. We weren't sure if she was already on something at this point. She sort of stumbled.

Harrison Ford had to read his lines in the dark, almost like he was so ashamed. You know, that was like the inside of the Millennium Falcon. You could hardly see anything. Just don't turn the lights on. The lighting's so bad.

Seeing Carrie Fisher remind me, I think I've mentioned that story when I met her in a previous episode. Yeah. So I thought, just. Well, I mean, she's come out many, many a time now. That's no secret that she's been very public about how messed up she was.

During, I don't think the first one so much, but by the time you get to the next. Two, by Jedi, she's a mess. She hides it well on the big screen, but on here, I think she was already kind of like, showing up with a couple on the set there. I don't know. She seemed a little out of it.

Man, there's monkeys talking to you. Lucy, you're being a plot down there. She foreshadowed what she was going to say. You guys ruined Christmas for me? No, we ruined Life Day for you.

No. Okay, so here's the thing. So originally when I got the email earlier today and there was the assignment about picking out like something that maybe something you find problematic about the holidays and I racked my brain because there's nothing. Like I love Christmas. Christmas is my favorite.

I was thinking I'm Pollyanna, but I'm Jollyanna. I love Christmas. And then in the course of. However many hours, 12 or whatever it is at this point, however long we've been here, you not. Only ruined my favorite Christmas song, but you actually ruined the concept of the Christmas special.

And I feel like I have nothing now. Thank you. Oh, okay. What is your second favorite Christmas? Oh, God.

I don't know more about it than to show. That to my friends. I don't know if I haven't ruined Christmas cooking yet. How about Hanukkah? How do you feel about Hanukkah?

Is it going to ruin. That for you? Now, see, now, at least I have somebody else to sympathize because I love Christmas, too, but Christmas just doesn't like me. Anytime, it's like I totally just prepped for the holidays and I want to totally embrace the sentimentality and nostalgia of, like, Christmases of my youth, but it's like, It's not there. And not only is it not there, but it's there to give me the middle finger.

So I feel very much like the freshman who happened to luck into being the head of the AV department, and I've got a crush on the head of the cheerleading team, like the senior cheerleader. It's like I can love her all I want, but I am not there to her. That's my relationship with Christmas. Well, it doesn't go back for a lot of people until you have kids. Of your own.

Yeah. I don't think that the existence of this Christmas special should ruin any other aspect. I don't think so. The thing that bothers me about Christmas is at bargain supplies sometimes you'll see these little guitars. And I pick them up and I tune them, and they're fucking untuneable.

And there are these guitars that somebody is going to give to a child who's going to try to play it, not knowing that it's fucking unplayable. And somewhere in the world, there's a factory. Making these fucking things. It is at the North Pole and staffed by elves, I believe. It's impossible to even push down and hit a fret correctly.

You can't, and even if you do, it's not in tune. It's totally wrong. And when you're starting out, you don't know. And the cynicism, it's like that same factory that makes those guitars that they give to unsuspecting children produced this Christmas special for kids to watch or to get as a gift. But see, I don't think they're necessarily...

Sorry, I just. For Christmas, I got a toy gun, and the gun didn't shoot bullets, so why would I expect a toy. Guitar to play? It's a toy. That is a legitimate point.

I don't know. The lightsaber didn't cut things in. No, but it's not a toy. I mean, it's built like a guitar. It looks like a guitar.

It has strings on it. You're supposed to express yourself with it. My little girl wants a toy guitar, yet she'll be walking through, you know, Yeah. Tony's all right. So he'll pick up one of those lousy nylon string things.

That's not real. After seeing the magic of. Starship, I would suggest getting her a keytar. Those things are awesome. The moral of your story is give kids a real.

Gun for Christmas. Don't shoot them. Now, go ahead. I was just going to try to at least kind of, I don't know, validate Fred's point or back it up or completely. I don't even know what's happening now.

But you've given up now. Yeah, well, I was going to say, I think when it. Comes to those factories that are making those guitars, I don't think it's their thinking about what you're thinking about. I think they're clueless, and I think it's the same deal here. I think when we're watching this, I feel like I'm watching a Star Wars holiday special made by somebody who had never seen Star Wars.

Yeah. It's made in a sweatshop entirely. It's true. This basic outline was like Lucas gave it to him and went. Here, they go to the home planet.

And then. He, from the way the story goes, had no, like at this point, he has no power. He's a nobody still. So the network took over and all this musical interlude nonsense was the network doing. The people doing network programming back then, like Fred Silverman and people like that.

And they're all like, you know, too old for this audience and probably coped up. So I thought, well, what made Star Wars cool? Well, it was that Varsi, man. It was so funny. And that's all they go for.

And the laser lights. Kids like the aliens. You know, overt stuff. Kids like Arkani. Couldn't get Red Skelton, so we'll go with Arkani.

There's nothing the kids are into. You know, when the Imperial called on the space phone and said the planet was under martial law, why was he talking to them in English? Why didn't he speak in the native tongue? Yeah, that's what I think Greg and I were talking about. It's like, why is it that.

All Wookiees understand English, but hardly anyone who speaks English understands Wookiee. Why does it go one way. Or not the other? That is so the American stereotype. I was going to say, let's not go anywhere.

Ah, you understand English. You're just pretending you don't. You say, oh, you speak English. And they do the exact same thing in the Star Wars special, too, when the Wookiees act like they don't understand them. They just say it again, but louder.

You don't know where he is? Oh, he's not there yet. Is that it? Oh, boy. Well, all I can tell you is that he and Han.

Left here on schedule. If he's not there now, they're way overdue. I'm sure they must have been in trouble. R2-D2, this is important. Now listen, calm down.

I mean, you know how Han and Chewbacca are. Anything could have happened. They could have stopped off. Somewhere or been held up by an asteroid storm. Listen, I wouldn't worry about Chewbacca.

I know him and he hasn't missed a life day yet, right? Well, there you go. He's not going to miss this one either. So what did everyone think of Mark Hamill's appearances? He looks like a mannequin.

He looks very dolled up. Just like in the movies, he's just not quite all the way there. It's like, okay, all right, one at a time. He's the most uncool superhero ever. He really is.

Actually, I mean, we were trying to remember, I guess, Fred, since you got the view, when was the wreck that he got in? I mean, it was right before this. It said it was right before this. That's why he's got so much makeup on. Yeah, he was in a wreck.

Yeah, he was in a car wreck. He had done. Corvette Silver? Yeah, that was after Star Wars. Did you see Empire?

You said you saw that one, right? Yeah. In the very beginning, he gets his face swiped by the big Bigfoot Yeti Wompa, you know, and they use that to explain all the scars on his face. It's pretty clever. Yeah.

Did they ever explain the Cinnabums on her head? That was her iPod headphone. Oh. It was literally two Cinnabons that she just. I was talking to Bo while we were watching that scene, and I like to think that Mark was actually working on his bong.

The smoke was rolling out of that device in the background. It was like Star Wars bong. R2 has to be perfect. Actually, our little corner back there, every time something would come on, it's like, how drugged up were they? The whole opening sequence.

To where the Wookiees are walking around and just chitter-chattering and there's no. English, that's on a trip. And then he's sitting there and he's looking at... Diane Carroll. Yeah, Diane Carroll.

And that, like, the stars go on forever before you even get around to anything. And not only that, but just the Harvey Korman thing with, like, the. The third arm, you can imagine somebody who just dropped acid and watched this all of a sudden with a third arm. It's the 70s, man. Who do you think was wearing more makeup?

Diane Carroll or Mark Hamill? Mark Hamill. I think Mark Hamill performed her part. He was pretty damn good. He was the Al Jolson of Star Wars.

And his tap of the flight suit was fabulous. Which also was something I got confused on, too. I was like, alright, so... The cooking show. This creature, is this being broadcast throughout the galaxy?

That was kind of the impression I got. But here's the thing. If it's being broadcast throughout the galaxy, how do you find ingredients that are commensurate with what's being broadcast on there? And if it is not being broadcast throughout the galaxy, if it's just on the Wookiee planet, why. Is it not a Wookiee?

It's the planet full of 4L people and also Wookiees. Those are the two species. There's a spice wars, man. But they're cooking Bantha. Bantha's a Tatooine.

Yeah, the toy Bantha's in the bedroom. She's cooking Bantha. All this fun entertainment. We're told that they live under an oppressive space government, yet they have the wacky cooking show. Did you notice the space jello molds hanging up on the wall?

Maybe. In fact, All of this is on TV to distract them. It's all run by the Empire. It's propaganda, damn it! Has anyone ever asked any of these questions?

No, probably not. I did notice something, because this is the first time I've seen it on a big screen. Usually I've seen it at a little quick time window. My parents in their kitchen, and I think a lot of parents in the 70s, had. The big wooden...

Fork and the big wooden spoon. Mala was using those. You grew up with Wookiee utensils on your wall. I should put them on eBay. I'll make a fortune.

You turn them over and they say Star Wars on the back. As a matter of fact. I actually know the question that should be asked is did this movie get picked apart by David Cronenberg and some friend afterwards? Because I can see them talking about just Because when we started getting into the weird surreal nature, like maybe it's all propaganda, maybe it's all just fake stuff being projected at them. It's like, I can see Videodrome coming out of this, like the idea.

And he was on a lot of drugs too. Exactly, he was on a lot of drugs too. So just the idea of watching a show that's so insipid that it would cause a brain tumor, then maybe from that joke, then Cronenberg's like, you know. When they re-release it on DVD, they should put that on the video. If anything, they should actually...

I want to actually... No, I take it back. I want this on DVD, but I want David Cronenberg to do a commentary. I will pay a fortune for that. So insipid, it will cause a brain.

I'm trying to remember some other things. That really made me laugh. Like the part where the falcon is flying over the house and Lumpy notices and he gets. It's exactly. Like when you pull into your driveway and your family dog.

Perks up and knows that daddy is with him. And Lumpy goes and jumps on him. Get off me! No! Smack him with a paper.

In the scene where Lumpy is bouncing on the railing, you know, we were, Brian and I were wondering how many kids died trying to imitate that. I saw Lumpy do it! I saw Lumpy do it! It's something else that I think Greg pointed out. Didn't he make the comment, it's like, we're going to go around to the backside of the planet and touch down and just Walking's good.

It's like taking a long walk halfway across the planet. Through a jungle in the same day. Exercise never hurt anyone. He's got a point. Happy Life Day.

Do you see any. Do you see any. We have to. Not die. Think about that.

Enjoy life while we can. They're always thin. They got the secret on this. He's just got the old thing. All he does is sit around and beat off.

Grandpa's kind of a jackass, by the way. Every time the kid comes around, he just yells at him. I think it's because he's a grizzled old war veteran. Yeah, I fought the war for you. It's like War Horse.

Actually, if anything, War Horse, keep watching this and then watch it again. God damn you for that question. God damn you. I'll never get that out of my head. I really don't think you should let this ruin your Christmas because we watch horrible movies all the time and think they don't ruin movies for you, right?

They make a lot of bad movies and think how much you still like to go to the movies. I'm going to say, I don't. Know if this could quite ruin Christmas because so far, nothing Christmas-related hats have. It's really not even like most Christmas specials. You'd have to go back to this time period.

It doesn't even fit any rake and bass kind of stuff. I can't remember exactly when this was broadcast. Was it before Thanksgiving and Christmas? I think it was early December. I think it's like december 7th or somewhere celebrate christmas.

Now it's sometime after halloween you know speaking of which in the way of other specials we were talking about the paul lind halloween special. Back there oh great yeah with kiss awesome. When I'm watching it and I try to think what's on other channels, like you intuitively do, because can. We change it? I picture golf.

I picture turning the channel, you know? Well, this would have been primetime TV. I know, but it has the pace. Oh, yeah. Like, you're watching on, like, Sunday afternoon when nothing's on.

Or Heidi. No, for something that's on primetime, this is crawl. Or, say, a cooking show. Or, no, I would say it's more like NASCAR than golf because... you're waiting for some action to happen. It's like, if I watch it, eventually there'll be a cool wreck.

But right now the cars are still going in the Godman circles. It's going to explode. I just got to wait longer. At the time when Star Wars came out, one of the biggest comments people made about it. Was that it's so fast.

Action is just happening like that. And I told them the last time, I've got a nephew who was really into the Clone Wars cartoon but had never seen the first Star Wars movies. So I was like, I can't wait to show him. He's going to love it. I'm going to experience through this kid again.

It's going to be awesome. Sat him down, showed it, and. He was bored because it moves so slow. The same movie that in the 70s they said was breakneck speed, but it's so slow. I think this is kind of. typical of what they consider to be fast.

And, of course. They're all on Coke, so it's just like, the Wookiees are talking too fast! That's, I mean, talking about what was on TV, I mean, that's the thing. I yelled it out as we were MST3K-ing this thing. I, like, ten minutes in, like, they're still, like, Wookiee-talking, and they're wandering around a treehouse, and, like, all this other, like, crazy nonsense is going on.

I'm like, This is on primetime network television right now. Yeah, by that point, they'd already, like. The Imperials had already been introduced, and they were already, like, C-3PO and R2-D2 had already been picked up by, like, the Jawas at the point by the time somebody speaks English in this thing. It's like it's still just dragging on, and I'm like, this entire thing going on is on network television. You wonder if they even took a commercial break before they even spoke.

I don't know. And, you know, now that Disney. It's about Star Wars. It came out with Star Wars 7. It's essentially going to be Star Wars The Next Generation.

We can look forward to the adventures of a grown-up Lumpy as he goes out to make his way in the. Bright new universe. I hope the guy not. I wonder what Lumpy is short for. Lumbaka?

I wonder what his fantasy looks like. We're about to see it. Carving wood. Carving wood. It's spice wood.

Columbia has some very expressive lips for a Wookie. Especially the grandpa. Grandpa looks like Popeye. Grandpa looks more like a Muppet. They didn't even have all the Muppets yet, but give it another movie and Grandpa will fit right in.

I actually think he looks a bit like a sloth. I'm just that face. In the very beginning where they're introducing each character The Wookiees always. Turn away from the camera and look like, Wookiee! And it's like, oh, face.

Well, it's like the little intros they do on the love boat. If we're using stuff in this time period, they're just like, gopher! Hey! You know, it's Isaac. And did everyone notice how Mala has black eyes?

I think there's some domestic abuse. Going on there. Maybe that's because Chewbacca's taking some time off. There's some kind of... There's some kind of restraining order.

Is Chewbacca the father of Is he basically the husband? I almost picked up like he was the oldest child. It almost seemed like he was the social worker. He doesn't feel like The narrator at the beginning specifically says his wife. Let's just wrap the beginning and double check.

He's a pretty selfish dad because if you know us in the Star Wars movies where they're at those ceremonies at the end of the movie and Chewbacca's there getting his medal or whatever. He didn't bring his son with him. Actually, I don't think Chewbacca gets a medal at the end of Star Wars. No, he gets a medal. But still.

Everyone knows he's such a terrible dad. He's not human, so he doesn't get a medal. I guarantee Han Solo hates bring your son to work. Chewbacca brought it up. If you're going to call a kid a toy spaceship, why not make the Millennium Falcon?

Not an X-Wing fighter if his dad actually flies the Falcon. Because it's a piece of junk! Well, you know, okay, the Imperials were there looking. For anything that would connect them to the Rebels. See, these little models of X-Wing fighters.

That doesn't connect them. And then, obviously, the Millennium Falcon would be a dead giveaway. Oh, it's that one movie. I think those were probably spray-painted Kenner toys. Linking us to Christmas.

I can see where. If anything, this ruins the idea of going to visit relatives. Maybe not necessarily ruins it, but it certainly captures the essence of it. I guarantee you when Han Solo gets there, he's going to be looking at his watch every five minutes. What does Han do for Life Day?

He hangs out with his favorite Wookiee family. It's really tolerant. It's nice of Han to do that. Take him all the way back Ron's. A nice guy he's facing death.

For life exactly he's facing death to take him back to this holiday which in no way shape or form he's gonna enjoy all those. Poor TIE fighter pilots. Who were blown away happy life day all I gotta do is catch these bad guys and I can go home for life day no I get shot. You know what yeah it's like Lonesome Dove. Yeah it's.

Exactly like what if the TIE Fighters are trying to go home for a life day like and they're just like oh fuck this guy yeah. Oh honey I've got the presents in the back of the TIE Fighter do you think. Do you think they were singing to themselves I'll be home for life day oh crap the Millennium Falcon I gotta go back to the. Well see I almost take it that life day is just something just for Wookiees yeah I think so yeah. Right Does the Empire have a multicultural policy?

That's why they made something to destroy planets, I think. They're pretty open-minded. Yeah. We'll be multicultural by wiping out every culture. That's why they're going to kill the Wookiees next, like this fucking holiday.

I'm going to destroy this planet. But they were, the Star Wars universe became very multicultural. You brought it up, Ben. Before Lando, we already had, we worked a little color into the Star Wars universe here. Yeah, was it Richard Pryor?

Yeah. Seeing that. The only stand-up comedy in the set. He was criticizing Star Wars because he said that the future looked. Really, really white.

They weren't doing people of color. So, you know, they got Billy Dee Williams in the next one, but... Diane Carroll got there first. It's canon. She beat him to the punch.

Yeah, but she was just a fantasy. She wasn't real. But I like that she was a Wookiee fantasy. So even the Wookiees, little multicultural. Oh, Lord.

On that note, I really agree with this. We should have gotten in an argument about that at the time. I'm sure we would have. I think we should leave this. Half and get back to the rest of it.

I'm going to have to actually bail. Chris can't handle it. I'm going to miss the best part. Go ahead. I can't handle the Christmas stuff.

Can't handle it. You know, I love that, you know, you're, Chris, your holidays are ruined already and we're, We could have snow right now, but it's warm weather and a thunderstorm. And the holidays. That might be why you're having trouble feeling Christmassy. I feel Christmassy.

It doesn't reciprocate as well. I don't see how. This is putting you out of the Christmas mode. If anything, this is putting me more in the Christmas mood. Because think about it.

It's no different than if you have a headache. And then all of a sudden, you're like in the kitchen, you drop a knife on your foot, and you're no longer thinking about the headache. This is so bad. The little nitpicky problems that you have in life, you focus on this, and suddenly Christmas doesn't seem so bad. Thank you.

You have given me an economical way where I don't have to buy aspirin anymore. That's a nice tip. Knives are free. Because, see, this is such a bad Christmas special, it makes all the cheesy ones look so much better. It's making me wish I was watching Rudolph right now.

It's a holiday special, as long as they can call it Christmas, right? It's a holiday special. You know, it's not. Really such a bad little Christmas special. All it really needed was a little love.

Yeah, I knew you were going there. We didn't get it. Wrap a little blanket around it. The Christmas special, that's a little special. You know what would have made this a great Christmas special is if Darth.

Vader had been visited by three ghosts who taught him the true meaning of life day. You know? Well, first ghost of Christmas asked. I was going to say, Fred, actually, if you're going to go the Charlie Brown analogy, then wouldn't Lucas be Snoopy? So that way Charlie Brown's like, oh, even my dog's gone commercial.

It'll just be like that robot chicken where the ghost of Jar Jar comes back. Anyway, we can be together forever. Well, to do the complete Star Wars holiday tie-in, we'll bust out the music. Are you guys familiar with this one? I'm assuming, Dave, Beau.

You probably are. Have you seen this one, Greg? Christmas in the Stars. Christmas in the Stars. The Star Wars Christmas album.

What's the date on this one? It's C-3PO singing Christmas songs. 1980 is the actual, yeah, copyright on this. I didn't know they had that on CD. Oh, thankfully.

I just got an illegal download. What's the playlist on there? Well, you know, I've got one I'm saving. I think we need to go out on this one. We've got Christmas in the Stars, the classic.

Bells, Bells, Bells, if. I remember, is pretty obnoxious. They're obnoxious. The Odds Against Christmas. This is obviously after Empire when he does the little odds.

Yeah, there's the tie-in for that one. R2-D2, We Wish You a Merry Christmas. A lot of other really bad, just normal covers. It's done with a lot of studio musicians, like most albums at this point were. But the most interesting part, Dave, do you know the rundown of the people on this?

No, I don't. I think this is the most fascinating thing about this album. Go down to the vocals down here and read the first name there. Are you wanting me to read the vocals? Well, just the first name.

You'll have to do a little letter switch to recognize it. I'm assuming that's supposed to be Jon Bon Jovi. That would be a young Jon Bon Jovi doing vocals. On Christmas in the Stars. Back when he spelled it his original.

Way without the cool J. Thrown in the middle of it. So yeah, check your copy at home. Jon Bon Jovi in the rundown of the. Am I supposed to be still looking for something else?

I think that's it. They got Anthony Daniels, so that's it. See if we can find something. You'll see what we're going out on. Hey, Taylor!

That son of a bitch! Get to the track on the Wookiees, and that's what we're going out on there. Why don't they have space names? Like, you know, it's all like Gerald and Peter. Bon Jovi's kind of like an Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jon Bon Jovi.

It is kind of, actually. He might be a Jedi. That might have got him the gig. He might be a Jedi. Well, actually, I think there's another Bon Jovi listed as producer, so.

I think I know how to get the gig. It helps to have a little family. But, hey, don't knock him. You know, he's a future guest on the show, so. He's an actor.

He's an actor. So, track four. Is that the Wookiee one? Okay, that's what we're going out on, so go ahead and tell people what it is, Ben. It is, what can you get a Wookiee for Christmas when he already owns a comb?

Question mark. And I believe this is supposed to be, what would you get at Wookiee for it? Life Day, not Christmas. I hope whoever made this album was fired. I'm opening this up because I'm hoping they have lyrics to all the songs in here.

It's multicultural, babe. Yes, you're right. Ah, damn, they don't. It's right, it's cheap, what do you want? But other titles you may enjoy.

Flintstones, A Christmas in Bedrock. Hanna-Barbera, The Christmas Sing-Along. And Looney Tunes, have yourself a loony Christmas. Didn't the Stone Age technically happen before the birth of Christ? That came up recently.

They just figured that out. But they're the modern Stone Age family. They're after the atom bomb. Yeah, well, we've got that museum up in Kentucky somewhere. Right, the Creation Museum.

We need to take a movie meltdown trip to the Creation Museum. Yeah, we should just have this set up in an empty room there and just We can record everything. We should totally. Do the movie The Land Before Time or 100 Million B.C. Yeah, 100 Million B.C.

We can do that. Or the one with Ringo Starr. Caveman, yeah. Caveman's pretty good. Or 2001.

2001. Or actually, we could just get Richard Kiel back on and we could do EGOP. Take Richard Kiel to the creation museum. That's awesome. Passion of Christ might be interesting.

No, The Last Temptation of Christ. No, we don't want it. I'm glad that I got. To the point in my life where somebody suggested Richard Kiel Road Trip back to me. Otherwise, that about does it.

We will return next week for more Life day fun. Same geek time, same geek feed. Thanks for listening. Let me see. We have a scarf for Skywalker, right?

Yes. And perfume for the princess? Yes. What about Han Solo? Couldn't we get him here?

That leaves one big problem. Couldn't we get him a comb? He gave him a comb last year. Why can't you get a wood for Christmas when he already owns a comb? Why can't you get in a hurry for a furry kind of friend like that to take home?

He doesn't need a tie clip and he doesn't use shaving foam. A wood for Christmas When he already owns a cone. It's really a problem What can you get? A wood for Christmas When he already owns a cone What. Can you get?

In a hurry for a furry kind of friend like that. To take home No, he'll never wear galoshes. Or a hat upon his furry dome So, what can you get? A Wookiee for Christmas when he already. Owns a comb.

Let's give him love and understanding. Goodwill to men. Wrap it all up. In bright colored ribbon. And we give it.

To him all over again. And that's what you get. A Wookiee for Christmas when he already owns a comb. Let's give him love and understanding. Look where I'm coming.

We give it. To him all over again. Love and. Understanding, good will to men. Wrap it all up in a bright colored ribbon and we give it to him all over again.

He doesn't need a tie clip and he doesn't. Use shaving foams. That's what you get. A whoopee for Christmas. When he already owns a cone.

That's what you get. A whoopee for Christmas, when he already owns a cone. We all feel too awkward to cut into the brownie over there, too. It might be really delicious. I think the cockpit would be the smartest place to go.

I guess so. Are we allowed to cut into that brownie? Before we're done, we definitely should. This episode is a production of Movie Meltdown. Produced and edited by The Oddity Studios.

With opening music performed by The Empires. For more on how to sponsor or support the show, email producer at moviemeltdown.com. Talk hard!