Murder by Jake (Promo)

The following feature has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. It is intended for mature audiences, and parental discretion is advised. I was thinking earlier today, I was like, oh, wait, what's our threat this week? We got to threaten our peoples. So, yeah, I don't know.

I think I used the last holiday themed one I had last year. So I was like, you know what? Screw it. Hot Frosty. We're going with Hot Frosty as our threat.

So did anyone watch that last year? I did not, but I listened to a different movie recap podcast. I did not know this was a thing. Oh, my God. Okay, if you're going to look it up, read the little pitch on this thing.

It was a cultural phenomenon. Yeah, it took over. And I was like, I mean, I like dumb things. So do I want to watch it enough? And I just didn't get around to it.

So I was like, well, there's our threat. If you guys want to force us to watch that, you know, join up on the old horror club. And I feel like it's horror. Like, I mean, based on, based on the story, what's the story there? Well, I haven't gotten that far.

I'm just looking at the poster artwork. Yeah. Yeah. Hot Frosty is a 2024 Netflix Christmas romantic comedy starring Lacey Shabbert. Shabbert.

Shabbert. Party Five, you know. Mm-hmm. The film is a modern comic take on Frosty the Snowman, where a grieving widow... brings a snowman to life with a magical scarf, and he helps her rediscover love and holiday cheer. Does that sound like a horror show to you?

Because it does to me. The cast also includes Craig Robinson and Joe Lotrullio, who is a favorite of mine. Star-studded. See, there you go. So I feel like that's, you know, that's a perfectly good threat.

Christmas romantic comedy with fantasy and humor. Horror show. Because, again, how is it really any different than the Frosty where he murders people? You're Jack Frost. There's so many questions, just practical questions of falling in love with a snowman.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Who, again, according to the poster artwork, is, I mean, he's a hunk of beefcake. Just like when Michael Keaton played him. He looks like they were trying to get. These are all the same snowman movie, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Michael Keaton's in it. Lacey's in it. And they murder people when the snowman comes to life.

I'm pretty sure these are all the same movie. This one picture does make it look like they wanted John Stamos. Oh my. Okay. Things are starting to piece together.

Cause I'm looking at some of the other pictures here and there's a picture of her holding the scarf, looking longingly at a snowman, but it's not just your big three round ball snowman. It's a, sculpted piece of. Oh, he's a sculpted piece, alright. The... I mean, yeah, this sounds great, but the existential horror of being the snowman who comes to life.

Again, this is why I feel like we could actually do it just as a horror attempt. As our take looking at it from the horror perspective. I'm trying to imagine the meeting when they just came up with the title for this. I'd like to think that there's a napkin somewhere with that scrawl well i'd like to think that the screenwriter was like look guys this is just a working title and they were like i don't know keep it i think it's several it's like hot rudolph Too much bestiality. No, no, no, no.

How about like a snowman? That's not creepy, right? Hot frosty. Actually, we're going to go to Urban Dictionary because it sounds like something you would find in Urban Dictionary. Hot elf?

Yeah. Some kind of weird sex act. Elves are a little creepy too. Yes. What about something along the lines of a Cleveland steamer?

What? Dirty Sanchez? Dirty Sanchez! These are all not good options, by the way. You can do whatever weird stuff you want, but I'm just saying, those are on a special list.

I wonder what the, like, Because, you know, everybody has opinions about, like, widows and widowers and how long it is to become appropriate for you to start dating someone again. I mean, I've made those comments before. I have no comment. I certainly... Yeah, get some, you know.

Well, but I've certainly... Well, I think just from more of a. I mean, maybe not pick somebody up at the funeral of your spouse. Well, maybe. Well, again, I think it's more of, like, the mental state kind of thing.

Because I definitely know someone who lost someone that they'd been involved with for years and then it was, like, forever. four months later here they are or i knew someone that their mom lost their you know they lost their dad their mom like six months later had a wedding i was just like but no that can't that can't be right for your brain like i know you want to just turn around and pick up and kind of move on with your life but i'm like i think there's a process that needs to be there for a little while Well. Then if it's like some hot snowman shows up magically at your door, then you'd be like, you can't say shit. I feel like Lacey's probably given it a while. You don't look longingly at a scarf unless you've had a couple of years at least before you start longingly looking at a scarf going, you know what?

But how old is she in this day and age? I mean... I mean, she was pretty young when she started. Yeah, right. Back in your Lost in Space days.

I don't know if she can hit the peak that was Lost in Space, but... By mean girls, she's like a grown-up-ish. I feel like. There's various points in your life where when you become widowed, where the amount of time is appropriate. And then also a person her age probably has needs more urgent than, say, someone in their 70s.

Lacey, call me. You know, I'm getting several different... I mean, she's in her early 40s. So. I think she has needs.

She has, yeah. I think she needs to move on. I'm just saying, you know, not at the funeral. I don't know if I want to read most of these. Are you reading comments?

No, no, no. I'm looking at Hot Frosty on Urban Dictionary. Hot Frosty fan fiction. The most disappointing one, which I will read, is a very bold and zesty cup of joe with all of the frothy crema on top. Crema?

That's what it says here. Wow. Okay. Streets. This one, I just like the way it's worded.

A really good looking look in with an apostrophe. I mean, I would put the apostrophe. A really good looking corpse that makes you seriously consider necrophilia. No. All right.

I mean, we've all been down that road, right? That's the horror movie version of Hot Frosty. The example that they use here is Edward Cullen is a total Hot Frosty. I'd like to do a little sucking myself. No.

I guess technically he's a dead person, so, you know. An undead person. Something like that. Whatever. Whatever.

This one was submitted by a person named Blowjobs or Icky, and it's just semen cum or jizz, as it has in here. I'm not going to follow up questions. I feel like there are questions, but I'm not going to ask you any more questions. This one I like. This is a Hot Frosty Lincoln.

Hot Frosty exclusive. A.... A frozen beard vaguely shaped like a sex toy and smeared with fecal matter. We knew we were going down that road, didn't we? You then use the beard like an accommodator dildo while performing cunnilingus on a female who is driving a Lincoln.

This is complicated. Like, you need at least a diagram before you start this. It's way too complicated. Okay, this is my new favorite. A hot frosty is when someone who is lactose intolerant drinks a gallon of milk, then shits all over their friend's bare ass to the Harlem Shake.

And at that one, I'm not even going to look anymore because I don't think anything can top that. Yeah, please don't. Yeah, the rest of it is just not. The rest of it isn't even creative or what I would consider to be Urban Dictionary worthy. I'd say I apologize, but I feel like if you're listening to this show, you're already knowing what road you're headed down.

I'm not sorry. This is information that if I have, I feel like other people need it. Granted, we didn't come up with it. This is on the internets, people, and that's where we reside. Yeah, we're just neighbors to Urban History Month.

Yeah, more of this nonsense on the internet, you know. Yeah, I am imparting wisdom, which is, you know. Speaking of nonsense on the internet, listen to this kind of stuff that we say. The time we tried bread in a can. Nora, you say ooh, but you have no idea.

I don't even think anybody ate it. We tried it. Number one, when we opened it up, it was wet. Yeah, I was going to say, there's no way that's dry. Mmm, bread in a can.

It's got to be wet. My mom had one of those, and then she made me watch the video. Ooh. Yeah. I didn't have a video.

There's a lot of like gouging with like a spoon. When they're kids, it's in the 80s instead of the 60s. So then this is in the 60s, but it's the generation behind kids in the 80s. You'd think everybody would just move out of that damn town. So it is kind of like you have to try and do a little bit of math when you're watching it.

Screw that. Man, oh man. I love some Scatman Crothers. Oh yeah. Yeah, he's great.

That is the best part of that movie because that movie is not good. But.... Oh my god, what are you describing now? Stop describing things. I have to wonder what happened because a character.

Has fallen and they lift his head up and his brains fall out of the back of his head yeah that one I was like wow I was like if I were 14 that would have been hilarious. So I was like if I'm that much of a junkie I wouldn't need to google how to do my drugs so well unless you just wanted to get into it I really want. To get into PCB right after he kills that guy and steals his car he runs over the old lady which was kind of funny As much as this will be a shock to most people, I have never been in a mental institution. So I don't know. There you go.

I just looked at him leather clad for years there. So do what you will with that. I don't think I will. I want to jump in on that real quick because I thought, oh, great. There's a mind.

Who honestly was my favorite character in this movie, and the only one that I didn't want to see get dead. He had a redemption arc. He did. He was annoying as shit when he first showed up, and then later I was like, aw. Then there's two simultaneously weird sex scenes happening.

Yeah, I don't know if that's before or after. And they went on for so long. Too long. And then, once again, I Googled, so now there's potato details and PCP on my Google search. You mentioned the dialogue earlier.

And Blonde Guy did deliver his lines like either he had a hard time recalling what his lines were or he was making them up on the spot. But someone had told him, listen, if you're going to ad-lib, make sure that it sounds believable. And it didn't. And he didn't understand what that meant, but he kept talking anyway. Yeah.

Then the rest of the movie is just people finding excuses to leave the house one by one and get separated. I mean, you've seen horror movies, right? All I know is our band director wouldn't let us play with it because it was very expensive. Because it was annoying. Well, that too.

Expensive. It's like, you damn kids. Wow. That's where they spend all the budget. On this movie.

Apparently. Well, we were screwing around with it while we weren't playing the music that it was supposed to be. Sounds about right. He was like, hey, I paid a lot of money for this. I'm not saying it never works.

That having been said. I'm just saying, if you take a poll of women, and a guy came up to you at a bar and wanted to do some close-up magic at your table to win you over. I've literally had that happen to me before. And did you go along with it, and you now are married to that person? No.

No. Well, and especially later, I mean, when it's the two ladies in the convertible after whatever that conversation was, but then one of them is getting chased through the woods, and it just felt like it lasted for 45 minutes. And I think at one point the screen was just black, like they didn't light it. There were many times where the screen went black. There was just no light at all.

Many points, so I guess we can jump to that, because otherwise it's just, I don't know. I'm going to assume they spent all their money on film and couldn't afford lights at that point. I do remember that only because there was a crossover episode with Webster. Of course there was. And basically all they did was they filmed an episode of that show that Webster was the very special.

No, Webster went to whatever town it was. Jake could not fit through the cool secret door. No, he could not. There's no way in hell he's getting through that. But I call it a crossover because they put Webster on it and then they shoehorned it into the Webster rotation.

Or was it a backdoor pilot? It could have been a backdoor. And they were like, we need to get, people love Webster. How are we going to sell him on this Big Brother Jake? Backdoor.

I did not know it ran for four seasons, though. I've seen a lot of famous people naked, and they've got nothing on you. Would always call up and go, y'all got Dracula sucks? And I'm just like, wait, wait, wait, what. Is going on?

I'd heard that sort of it went down that road, but good lord, the camera does not need to go there. She was actually in movies I've heard of. Yeah. Like, pretty big movies. One that we talked about last time.

Ladybugs? No. Yeah, she wasn't. Because she is in Ladybugs. Plus, they don't even know where the hell the peas are in this building, so dinner's not almost ready.

The Christmas train went off the rails. We're not there yet. The Polar Express. I would watch that movie. Polar Express.

The Polar Express. We're like the dead eyes that are just waiting for you. That's the horror movie right there. Polar Express. That uncanny valley of dead eyes waiting to steal your soul, children.

Get on the death train. We're taking you to Santa's house. Tom Hanks is still there, though, right? Everybody is Tom Hanks. You know that.

That's how life works. Everyone is Tom Hanks. I'd like to think so. It's own life. he is pretty awesome. All right.

So that's more than enough, um, holiday themed information than you needed. So, um, the takeaway is if you want us to watch hot frosty as a horror movie or turn it into a horror movie, which of course is what we do. Um, yeah, go to movie meltdown.com and, join the meltdown horror club and then assign it to us. We won't even put it in the, in the Tumblr. You know, we'll just be like, Nope, that's it.

That's what we're watching next, uh, Christmas. So, Yeah. I might just watch it anyway. I mean, we can watch it on our own, but we can devote an entire episode to it if that's what you want. So, go join the club.

Get on it.