The Foilers will go On

The following is a special color telecast of the 39th Annual Awards of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Stay tuned for Felony Squad, Peyton Place, Rat Patrol, and Iron Horse, which will immediately follow this special program. The following feature has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. It is intended for mature audiences and parental discretion is advised. It's showtime, folks.

Enjoy the show. Our nuclear reactor pumping out one million kilowatts of power. Five more cooling in the containment chamber. Do you still need this? Yeah.

We'll be right back. Live from the Dolby Theater at Hollywood and Highland, it's the Oscars! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host! What's up and welcome to Movie Meltdown. I'm Brian and I'm coming to you live via digital recording from Patrick's, where we are here in.

The middle of Oscar insanity. Yes, that's right. It's our continuing Oscar party celebration. Known as Oscar Meltdown. We are now knee-deep in the festivities, and at the halfway point of awarding our own awards, that's right, it's the Foilers, Movie Meltdown's own special awards, that have been nominated and voted on by not just the cast here, but many of our contributors and very special listeners.

We've all gotten together and put together these categories, and they've submitted their nominations, and we've gone through the votes, and now we're going through and cracking open those magical briefcases and telling you who the winners are. So we're about to get back into that. If you haven't been listening in the proper order, you should go back and listen to episode 301, The Foilers, and there you will hear the first half of the awards being given out. But if you're up to date and brave enough to soldier on, let's get back into this party and into the insanity that is Oscar Meltdown. Is that her sound effect?

That is her sound effect. Do we actually know her name? No. Kerry Washington. She is not Kerry Washington.

I'm just calling her forehead. Those forehead expressions. What? Is he getting his nails done? Why are we looking at a picture of Tim McGraw getting a manicure during the red carpet?

Patrick Harris' mom looks like she was made. In a boardroom. Oh, God, our cut. Whoa, she looks cracked out. She is cracked out.

What is up? She actually looks like that princess bride. She kept glancing over her shoulder a second ago like she was expecting somebody to sneak up behind her. She's waiting for her dope dealer to come. Why did they like, hey, let's do this interview on this ledge?

She's like, oh, my gosh, don't fall over. Let's sit up here and rap, Patty. Many a time I try to set up an interview, I'm like, can we climb out of this windowsill for a minute? That'd be great. So they can't see the I can't girl being too drunk.

That is great. Love the front, please. Come on, next category, next category. Are you sure? So, on the other end here, best monster in a 2014 film.

Gareth Edwards. Smog wins this, right? Now, this one we have your pal Smog. Scarlett Johansson in Under the Skin. It was a monster?

Are aliens monsters, Bill? I like that I just sort of leave this up and let people fill in what they think. The Nazi zombie colonel Herzog in Dead Snow 2. What? Dead Snow 2 came out?

Yeah. Red vs. Dead. I gotta get that shit going. Truthfully, when I wrote down this category for this year, this is the first thing that came to mind.

Is not the winner. The only thing that came to mind when I came up with it was The Babadook. Yeah, I was going to say The Babadook. I was going to say that. Not to be on the list.

I'm so glad that Babadook is the winner. So at least, sadly it's not. What's The Babadook? The Babadook. Are you not?

You haven't seen The Babadook? No. We have so many movies to. Watch over here. Every week we're going to be in his basement.

I really want you all to come over every weekend and watch Mr. Babadook. What's Jimmy Babadook? You still haven't answered a question. Jimmy Babadook!

What the fuck is a Babadook? You just need to watch it. Like the movie's called Babadook? It's the Babadook. And it's awesome.

It's like a horror movie. But it's like a 70s.... Australian-ese... It's a real horror movie. Not like these movies i'm really glad the baba duke almost.

Won what's the winner actually but the thing is i totally wasn't thinking this i just went straight to more traditional horror-esque monster uh almost overwhelmingly like more than half uh godzilla which makes sense i mean i just was going more horror monster so. They got it wrong. We're leaning towards the Babadook, but technically the winner is Godzilla. Yeah, whatever. Next category.

And I love Godzilla. The best action sequence in a 2014 movie. Captain America. Yeah, that's what went to my head immediately, too. That first one where he drops down on the boat.

I mean, as good as Guardians of the Galaxy was, I can't say there was an outstanding action sequence, but there was a lot of great. Have you seen the L-Tank? The L-Tank of that is hilarious. Ronan starts dancing. Go on, Brian.

We're waiting on you. I don't think you are. You're still... Anyway. So, the Quicksilver scene in X-Men.

It's pretty good. It's pretty good. Here you go. Captain America 2. Any of them.

The Snowpiercer train cart fight with Black Outs. Oh, you need to see it. It's pretty freaking awesome. What's it called? Snowpiercer.

That's the name of the movie? Snowpiercer? Where are you at? We're going to have to make you a list of movies. Is it the Liam Neeson movie?

No, it's Captain America. Chris Evans? Chris Evans on a train. It's like post-apocalyptic train that goes around the world. I'm not making it up.

It's what it is. The Halo jump past Godzilla We keep coming back to Godzilla. I could allow that to. Be the one The hospital shootout scene Have you seen We Still Kill. The Old Way?

No It's brought up a few times here The hospital shootout in We Still Kill the Old Way The Raid 2 car chase. Apparently we need to see the second one. The Red Circle shootout in John Wick Which is pretty badass. Yeah. The mud yard fight in Raid 2.

Again, everybody's back to Raid 2. This is the one I was going to say as opposed to your Guardians of the Galaxy. The escape from jail is pretty impressive, actually. Their whole little giant plan to. Escape from the prison.

That's pretty epic. Yeah, that was good. And the kids' classroom scene in Snowpiercer. Once again, you've got to get on the stage. And the winner is the Quicksilver scene from X-Men.

No, you know, I can get behind that. The Quicksilver scene. Did you hear what it was. Originally supposed to be? No.

The Beast is flying a plane above the Pentagon and has Juggernaut in it. I'm being super serious about this. And Juggernaut's like, and it's the Juggernaut from X-Men 3. And Juggernaut's like, I don't understand what the plan is. And the Beast is like, yeah, we haven't told you yet.

And just throws him out of the plane and he torpedoes in and then gets magneto magneto's like who the fuck are you and then he just runs like through all the walls. I'm just curious if the script was gonna have professor x go hey brother because juggernaut is professor x's brother which is something they didn't acknowledge in the third movie that whole scene when he died and juggernaut's like guarding out front of the house like dude that's your brother dead in there like why aren't we acknowledging family what are you. Reading comic books or something this will get. You nowhere in comic book movies no that scene was great it is it's pretty i don't it's i kind of feel like it's kind of hard to call action.

It's impressive i mean there's. Actions going on and water drops falling but it almost had a bit of a montage feel it's like i'm gonna set all this stuff up and then okay cool let's go Any part of Winter Soldier. Jesus. No, no, I can get behind Quicksilver, too. Go on, what's the next category?

You know, I'm with Winter Soldier, too. Jared Leto is Winter Soldier. Oh, shut your face. Might as well be. Okay, so, let's see the wording on this one is, forget their impressive acting skills, the hottest actor or actress in a 2014 film.

I like this. Let's not worry about their skills. Let's be superficial. So, the nominees. Now, this is the first time, and I In previous years, I throw it out there and it's.

A general male or female. In the last couple of years, the women have been slacking on their returns, so we hardly had anything but females. This time we have a pretty good mixture, so I'm just going to go with one of each. We actually have a winner for both, so. nominees for female are, as we've been seeing her here all night, Emma Stone, Emily Blunt for Edge of Tomorrow, and Jessica Chastain in Interstellar. But the winner by several extra votes here would be Scarlett Johansson, because you can't fight Scarlett.

Black Widow forgot. She kind of owned last year. She did so much. She'll kick you in the head. If you can set that up.

She had a kid last year too, right? Didn't she have a kid last year too? Yeah. I'm pretty sure she gave birth. Actually, I forgot.

This one is one of the ones we have a two-way tie. Because equally as many as Scarlet is Karen Gillan as Nebula from Guardians of the Galaxy. Oh, man. All those Doctor Who kids. Yeah, but she's so damn likable, too.

It's why it's hard to believe it's her in Guardians. I was impressed that she shaved her head. Yeah. She had red hair past her hips. She had really long hair, and she shaved her head.

For that part. Yeah, she's so cute and likable. And then she gets in that movie, and she's badass. So I'm just kind of like, more power to her. So, yep.

That one's yeah scarlet and karen so that's that's awesome now for the guys uh we have our our nominees aren't some of these i don't know if you'll agree with like joaquin phoenix from an inherent bite. Oh really. So okay joaquin um these are hot choices jake gyllenhaal Really? I guess, but it's a weird choice. Yeah, I know.

I thought that was an odd choice, too. But the winner, and again, you can't argue this one, Captain America. Freaking hot, studly, beard-having Chris Evans. So it wasn't Hemsworth? I would probably say Thor.

Was it GQ? I thought people, hottest man of the year or something. Yeah, like hottest man of the year. It was Thor. I think Chris Hemsworth is way more.

You can't argue. See, but again, I think there's a weird disconnect with with Hemsworth. I like him, but there's no like, like Chris Evans seems like he's actually like a real person. You can see his personality. Yeah.

You can sense. The fun personality in there. Hemsworth is like, he's just pretty. You don't really know what you're going home with. And I'm like, I'm not really getting anything else.

Off of him. He's just kind of there. I don't know. I'm glad Captain America won't. Want some music for your ears?

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And make sure to like the Facebook page. Leave a good review or we'll hurt you. Tell a friend about the show. Yeah! Awesome!

Yeah! That's Y-O-U-E-I-G-H-D-I-T. You hate it. Education has never been so wild. If this is the Super Bowl of fashion, why are the commercials garbage?

Because they don't cost as much. They don't bother spending that much for that. I'm trying to push it on you. Well, I got me a bottle of red wine over here. I can't do that.

It sounded like Sammy Hagar, actually. I thought you were doing Red Fox. Hold on. I forgot we have to introduce the mascot. He has been the mascot ever since the Oscar meltdown started.

It's Babe. Oh, I love it! Hanging out next to the pork products. Oh my gosh, he's so cute. As we eat all his relatives.

We're eating all his friends. Babe, your dad is delicious. They make my mouth happy. It's not in bad taste. What are you talking about?

It tastes fine. Oh, he's really cute. Such a little road warrior. He is. I'm telling you.

It's true. I don't know what this commercial on TV is for, but it's the saddest shit I've ever seen. Alzheimer's. There were just people looking around at shit all sad, like, my life is over. I do that sometimes.

I'm like, what did I do with my house key? Oh, it's next to the spinach. That's where it is. I've got mustard in that refrigerator over there, and I don't want to leave it because Patrick will steal it. So I put my keys in there so I can't leave without my mustard.

I love me some mustard. He's a mustard thief. Why would you shoot a man in the head? Yes. Bend and snap.

Bend and snap. Okay. That's little Stifler's mom, right? Yeah. Isn't that American Pie?

Yep. She's trying to get her dog back. Best in show. Yeah, best in show. Oh, I saw Marvel logo.

That means this is amazing. Okay. All right, maybe not. It's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. I'm sorry.

It looks like another Alzheimer's commercial. I wish I had Alzheimer's after watching this show. Did I put my keys in the earthquake? Has anybody watched Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? I tried.

Like, I tried hard. I got six episodes deep, and I was like, no, I'm a mark, but I'm not enough of a mark to watch bad TV just because it has the Marvel logo on it. Agent Carter was awesome. See, I need to watch that. I heard that that was really good.

Is that the one that takes place in the old days? The whole day. Post-Captain era, but before, you know. The 60s. She's not typing stuff.

It kind of sucks for Agent Carter because she's like getting him coffee and shit. It's not cool. But the show's on. Motherfucker, did you see me in Freeway? I went ape shit on that cracker.

This is probably going to work better without the sound. Absolutely. We don't have to pretend like we're listening to Reese Witherspoon. All right. It's got some weird forehead lines going on.

Is that silly, buddy? It looks like the weather channel is on her forehead. You can see every wave of the incoming snowstorm. She's been drinking a lot lately. Isn't she the one that got arrested not long ago?

Don't you know who I am? Yes, exactly. Don't you know who I am? I'm Reese Witherspoon. I'm legally blonde.

You gotta do your hand while you're doing this. Bitch, don't you know who I is? Girl, that's too good for her. She's country. I've never seen anybody have an emotion that makes a forehead look that way.

What emotion makes that? Y'all, don't you know who I am? I'm Reese Witherspoon, y'all. What emotion makes a face look like that? Is there dueling foreheads?

I feel like we're having dueling foreheads. It's like, I can create five wrinkles, bitch. It's so funny because you should have all that hair and that cute utility belt, but you don't. Are you naked all the time? Does Han know?

You really should figure out what her name is so people know who we're making fun of. Whoever this Oscar host is that is seven foot three. Speaking of Attack on Titan. It's so funny because you just go down under that compartment and bang on the engine and then the warp drive works. Everybody thinks my dress is sparkly, but really it's just glitter and blood.

This is the preferred way to do the Oscars. Yeah, I really don't want to take away from making fun of Reese. I've never, ever, ever found that woman attractive. Like, not even a little bit. Who's that?

Reese Witherspoon. I've never found her attractive. Oh, damn titties, what? Shocker, J-Lo with a deep cut. She's out.

Like with her Versace dress from years ago. I just want you to remember that I am the original titties. Slit to the navel. Everyone knows I have to remind everyone I have titties, too. She is the original booty.

She does have to balance things out, you know. I'm not feeling the pink lipstick. No, it looks like she's got actual bronze on her face, and that's weird. Why are you looking at her lips? Everybody's looking at her boobs that are covered in gemstones.

Whose job is that? Again, J-Lo, not really... How much did that cost? To put gemstones on boobs? Are you paying in cash or cocaine?

Which is cheaper in the alley? Probably cocaine. I just don't. Think she's that unique looking. I think she's attractive.

I just think she's... I don't know. Cookie cutter. She's basic. She's got all the qualities that anybody wants, but... nothing that stands out.

You're just not from the Bronx. That's the problem. I don't care. Jenny can be from the Bronx. I'm not from that block.

And you really want to be. I think she's from Queens. Or Brooklyn. I can't remember. Where does the 6 train come from?

Go to. Queens, I think. Queens, yeah. Are you referencing her album title? Yeah.

I knew where you were going is the sad part, that we both. That's totally what it was. That's because you all are the same age. And we're on the sixth. Probably.

Fine. Who is this guy that she keeps talking to? Oh, you're missing it, Patrick. You've got my hair going on. This is the girl's girl and the guy's girl and everyone's girl.

I'm glad the Grace Jones look is coming back. She kind of has a bum. The Russian wife from, like, Rocky going on there. Bridget Nielsen? Oh, God.

Bridget Nielsen. Let's do a podcast about her. Fuck the Oscars. Can we talk about her when she's on The Surreal Live? Do we have to?

I think we're all still blocking that out, aren't we? But that was the funniest part. Why would you want to block that out? I mean, her and, like, what her riding around on his hover-round, drunk, naked. Yeah.

I'm sticking with blocking. I don't need that image. Let's go back to Cobra era, Brigitte Nielsen, shall we? 1987. Now that I can get on board with.

Some fucking tall hair and shoulder pads business. I mean, you got to match. You got to go with a laser. You got to beat your car. Where's the downside of Cobra?

Cobra's a perfect movie. There's so much impossible shit with that car. I loved when he spun it around and was apparently doing reverse at 50, 60 miles an hour down the highway and then spun it back around. And he comes up over those hills and just lands and doesn't just mangle the whole front end like you actually would. But he does it like six or eight times.

Bitch, watch your dress. Meanwhile, the rest of Los Angeles is sliding down a hill into the pit of hell because they don't know how to deal with rain. Or at least that's what I'm told. All right. So, the movies they expected to hate but actually ended up liking.

John Wick is the winner. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. I'm not going to acknowledge this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, my God. Someone watched it and liked it.

Edge of Tomorrow, which that's kind of the one I was also in that camp. I was like, that's, yeah. And Hunger Games Mockingjay, which again... I had such low expectations through the series. It's gotten better each movie.

I think it'll be best when you can watch the second and the third one together as one film. I think so. Because that one, that last one's pretty damn good, actually. I didn't care about the games, because the games are so kiddified, but once we get away from the games, yeah, once we get into battling and no games, I'm all for that. It's a good movie.

It's a modern day animal. But the winner is John Wick. Yeah, John Wick. God, it was so good. I'll watch it this week.

It is so good down there. I think you need to. I'll do it. Alright, one of our signature categories here. The dreariest study of the human condition in 2014.

I like seeing where people go with this one. Our choices here are Birdman, Nightcrawler, The Judge, Boyhood, Tammy, Godzilla. Patrick Evil Awakens, and Citizen Four. And the winner is Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler What the hell?

One of a kind. Snarking and fixing. Don't look behind you, Nightcrawler. People have to be skin black, Nightcrawler. You know he's coming back, Nightcrawler.

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Tweaked Audio. Sounds better. Hey, I'm Greg Sestero and you're listening to Movie Meltdown. Leave your stupid comments in your pocket. This is the night of nights.

The one night in the year when we forgive. Each other our trespasses and band together to beat the English. Backstage, they're whispering, the Russians are coming, the Russians are coming, but the British are already here. Where is that Paul Revere when you need him? She's so hot.

They're so hot together. Right there on stage. Who is she? Who has she been in? Man, you're going to have to try again.

Who is she? I did not watch G.I. Joe. Okay. Are they together or are they just.

Kind of going to hit it later? Because they're totally going to. Hit it later. Sound Mixy, which means none of you really understand how this works. If you did, you would understand why there's a separate category for sound editing.

Well, that's true. There are a lot of gun noises and whatnot. Time those gun noises just right or. It ruins the whole movie. It's all jacked up if you don't do it right.

And they have to give it some because it's not going to end up as good. So they're like, we like you and we gave you millions of dollars, but we're not going to give you best pictures. Ugh, all that sand. They just make everyone so angry. I hate when sand gets everywhere.

That's why there's war there all the time. They're like, god damn it! You know, I've always felt like we should just like flood the region with air conditioners. Just give them so much air conditioning that They'll. Just be so much more laid back.

Like when they do food drops in other countries, they just drop air conditioning units. Isn't that like a realistic stat? Like in the summer when it's super hot, people are more violent. They do that in our cities too. What if the entire.

Region was always fucking hot? Like wouldn't that same. You might be on to something. We just need to give them a whole bunch of air conditioners. You're going to have to run for office.

Are you prepared to do that? You got to get a fancy suit. You've got to stand at a podium and say, drop air conditioner. Blue is tux? Isn't it a white tux?

Maybe it's powder. Oh, is it a baby blue? Man, those shoes are big. Hey, Jesus. That's just a tweak away from Pee Wee Herman.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Joker. I heard he's being written to be Shakespearean. Like seriously, they're not doing a Clockwork Orange kind of dark sadistic thing. Apparently he's going to be very kind of eloquent. Like his words, he said that his Joker is going to be Shakespearean.

I don't know how I feel about that. Suicide Squad. Yeah, Joker's in it. Because he's in Arkham Asylum when they break in. So they run into him in there.

So, did they not age for 12 years? Or did these people age too? No, I'm pretty sure they all did. They just shut up for a month every year? I mean, again, you gotta give Linklater credit.

Like, he convinced all these people, specifically those two that are legit actors. Granted, he was friends. Like, definitely he and, what's his name, were friends. But, like, still, yeah, he and Ethan were friends. But, like, the fact that he's like, okay, at least.

Once a year... Sometimes a couple times a year. For the next 12 years, I want you to put on hold whatever you're doing. Come shoot a few scenes of this movie. Best Jurassic Park actress of all time.

No Sam Neill. I love Sam Neill. Actress. Things you don't know about Sam Neill. Terrible looking overalls.

Things happen to him on that spaceship. She hasn't really aged much. Larger. It looks good there. She looks so much better.

Like she's normally so gaunt. Skeletor. Stone's so. I got my Legos. I don't need your stupid golden whatever Legos.

And rounding out the category. She's totally won this. Well, no. I don't think so. I think it's like we've got four.

We've got a whole, I don't know, what the hell did Meryl Streep make this year? Good enough. Throw it in there. Yeah, I think she's winning this. She's got it.

I think it's one of the first two. It was sort of neck and neck for those. I think it's Patricia, really. I've learned not to underestimate Stevenson all the time. You really think Patricia?

Patricia is kind of the front runner. And the Oscar goes to Patricia Arquette. Wow. Good call. And her one big boob.

You know, it's crazy, because like I said earlier, you can go back and watch Lost Highway. Man, that girl was smoking hot back then. True romance? True romance. Oh, right, right, right.

It's just now she grew up and now she's mom. She really is. She just looks like she's not bad. She just looks like somebody's mom. It's just odd to look at her now and be like, God damn, I used to like eye rape you.

Oh, wow. She even pulled out the mom glasses. Wow. If she didn't have to wear this fancy dress, she'd have mom jeans. She's a good actress.

I can't knock it. She was great in that. I think Ethan was really good, too, but he's probably not. It's such a weird political game. It really is.

Yeah. What? Did she just thank her favorite painter? That's true. At least she's grateful.

That wouldn't go that far. I mean. Can't we keep it relevant, though? I mean, you won an award for a part in a movie. It doesn't mean you have to thank everyone that ever helped you in your entire life.

This is your time. Why are you judging what she's thinking? I'd rather them thank people that inspired them, like their favorite painter, than when they get weirdly political or they just start rambling about shit. Meanwhile, Ethan Hawke looks old as fuck. He does look old as fuck.

Bring it on down to Oscarville. Bring it on down to Oscarville. At least get on there so we can bring that back in. Bring it on down to Oscarville. There we go.

Now we can play us back in. All right. The most impressive director in a 2014 film. The other nominees here, Richard Linklater, which, again, totally deserves it. This one, again, getting no credit for this movie.

Doug Liman directed Day After Tomorrow. For what he had to do, to have orchestrated all of that and make it work as good as it does, he needs to get a little more credit than he does this year. Let's see. Jeremy Sunye for Blue Ruin, which I have heard nothing but good things about. Super indie, kind of awesome revenge movie.

The Russo Brothers for Winter Soldier. But again, by far, the winner is James Gunn. And again, if I have to, I can't argue. If ever there's like a geek that has done good and gone to the major leagues, James Gunn, he kind of knocked. It out of the park on that one.

Tonight on this stage, we have come together to celebrate and hopefully to fall in love with moving pictures all over again. Okay, maybe.... Maybe not Smurfs 2. The script read funny. Oh, he's so fucking cute.

Oh, love you, MPH. See, I'm going to fight the urge to call him the D word because it's too easy at this point. So I'm just going to, I mean, his whole career, it's haunted him. So I'm just going to refer to him as that guy. The dude?

I'm going to call him the guy from Starship Troopers. He was really good in Starship Troopers. He's really good in Starship Troopers. He's good as a psychic. I want to call him the guy from American Horror Story.

I need to watch that one, but what's the best season? That's a good question because I don't love the show, but I have watched a couple of seasons. Watch four. Just watch four. That's the one with Neil Patrick Harris in it.

I don't know, though. If you watch season four, you're just going to get heartbroken. All the people you love die. Spoiler. Well, I'm just saying.

It's an American Horror Story. What do you expect? They're not allowing John Travolta to announce anything this year, are they? I mean, after last year. After last year.

I'm oblivious. He butchered Idina Menzel's name, called her Adele Dazeem. Same thing, right? I mean, she's only like the most highly sought after Broadway star. Well, maybe if she would have an English name, that should be okay.

In Hollywood, they don't acknowledge Broadway. They did. Come on now. Just saying. In Hollywood, that's like seven steps down.

They're like, I mean, I guess some people. I mean, we can talk about Hugh Jackman's Broadway boy. They all kind of are eventually. I love that all the women hosts are towering over all of the. People that they're interviewing.

Is Kevin Hart. He is pretty little. Danny Ato would tower over him. I think they're choosing the people that they're going to interview. Like, hey, you.

They're going to look for Dustin Hoffman soon. They should sign. I think Kevin Hart's the only person that's ever been on both Monday Night Raw and the Oscars in the same six-month period. He looks nothing like Kanye West. He might be, right?

No, he really doesn't. You're racist. I'm a rapist. I said racist. I don't like either of these.

Maybe a rapist, too. I don't know. Do you think Kanye's sexy? It doesn't matter. Kanye thinks Kanye is sexy.

I love you more than Kanye does now. Treat your girl how Kanye would treat Kanye. That's some nasty-ass fucking wet, gross carpet right there. You ever walked on wet carpet? It's gross.

I'm about to throw up thinking about walking on wet carpet. What'd you like? We can hose down this rug. He is throwing up. Good podcast audio.

I didn't say you got to do it on the mic. No. If I'm going to throw up and I'm holding a mic, I'm going to throw up into the mic. You're doing it wrong. I'm a professional, goddammit.

I record everything. That's true. Is she wearing a witch hat behind her over there? Oh, I see it. There's a woman with a witch hat at the Oscars.

It's like, what kind of Halloween party is this? She's waiting for the house to land on her. We all are. Cut to the witch. Cut to the witch.

Is Melanie Griffith stoned? I think so. I read the book and I don't want to see a thumb in your asshole. She's got one right now. What are you talking about?

That's why she's standing so awkwardly on the red carpet. Wow. Don't take your mom to the Oscars. No doubt. Yeah, she's her daughter.

I did not realize that. My mom was a slut in tons of movies. I love watching families fight on the red carpet. Where's Tippi Hedren now? Get her out of here.

It's like, Mom, I'm going to steal your swag bag later when we get out of this. The regeneration thing out. Mm-hmm. Look, she's pissed. She's pissed.

I'm going to grin through this. I'm going into hardcore porn, apparently. Whatever, Mom. I got fucked on screen. I'm making millions.

Fuck it. That dude has the worst bangs. He's got the worst bangs ever. The worst bangs ever. Oh my God, what is going on with his hair?

That's painful. What hair doesn't look awkward, does it? Is that Ripley's Believe It or Not across the street from the Oscars open on Oscar Day? Like, fuck, we couldn't find a place to park. We just want to go to the goddamn museum and these goddamn Oscars are everywhere.

Just want to see some shrunken heads. I want to see the dude with the long curly fingernails and this fucking John Travolta's on the red carpet. Ruining my goddamn day. I still think that her and Keira Knightley have penises. I just know that Keira Knightley has my penis.

She's okay with it. Yeah, as the pictures have proven. I know. I just gave her credit for that on a recent episode. She's awesome because she's like, I don't care what you do, just don't CG me.

Just don't airbrush shit on there that ain't mine. Now if we can just get Kate Winslet to do that. That ain't going to happen. She used to be the big, she got furious about getting Photoshopped too. Yeah, but she will get naked in any movie she's in.

It's like a kid's movie. I'll get Kate Winslet naked any day. No problem being one of those French women. She did not shy away from that in every movie. I remember working at the theater when that came out and so many people left her in that scene.

Old people. Old people were really offended by that scene and left when she was naked and he was drawing her. I was like, it's nice. even, you didn't even get to wonder having sex. I mean, that was just, that was actually very artsy, not sexual. It was much more sexual in the car later.

Have you heard the new theory? We need to. Maybe we'll put that off for later. That they could have both been on the door? Well, no.

I've heard that one for years. If Kate would have moved her ass over, we'd be fine. But no. No, there is one that just showed up on the internet the other day. Basically, it's kind of the Ferris Fight Club idea again.

What if there was no Jack? Because when she sees him for the first time, you realize she's suicidal and hanging off the side of a boat. Right. So is it something in her head that kind of snapped and is using that as a tool to save her life and not let her kill herself? So she manifests this person because he just magically shows up when she's suicidal.

He's the exact opposite in every way of her jackass fiance. Right. And. On top of that, I was like, yeah, yeah, whatever. I hear this with movies all the time.

But you get to the bottom of this thing and it gives the exact description that she gives as an old lady when they're like, there's no record of a Jack on the books of the titans. She's like, no, I guess there wouldn't be. He exists only in my mind. I don't even have a picture of him. She says that?

Yeah, you're right. And I'm like, okay, wait, you might have a point now. Okay. Everything about it, like at the end, she's just like, he existed only in my mind. Oh, wow.

Crazy old bitch. She does go into. That in the movie because then there's the whole theory that he. Didn't really exist. It's been a figment of her imagination.

Some illusion she came up with to make herself feel that way. In addition to the fact that she lied, she's kind of a slut. Anyway. It's my favorite side book. I remember before even hearing that theory, I worked at the theater when the movie was out for over a year because that movie was in theaters for over a year.

And that was pretty much the last time that ever happened. And I remember when you have to deal with that movie for that long, you get so many fucking arguments about it. And my main gripe with that movie was the woman went on to have a family and children and grandchildren. Yet she, when she dies that last scene, she goes back to the fling she had for two or three days on a boat. You had a husband and had children, and they had children, but who do you go to in heaven?

The guy you nailed on a boat. I wanted that guy boned on a boat one time. Apparently he was the Titanic. Celine Dion can. Just do that to you.

Every night in my dreams. I just want to be Kelly Osbourne on the E! Network in critique fashion. That's what I want to do with my life. Since Joan Rivers is dead now, I just want to be, like, akin to Kelly Osbourne.

You have to take over. That's what we're doing. That's what I want to do. That's what I want to do with my life, just critique the fashion. I'm trying to get that going.

Oh, those pants, though. We can get your foot in the door on this. Look at those pants. Yeah, she looks good. She is a Wes Anderson character.

Annie Lennox called. Oh, my gosh, yes. Although she was on the other night. You saw her, right? Did you see her performance?

She's awesome, but I was like, when did she. What was her look? Because she turned into... When. Did she turn into, like, she-devil.

No, she was always she-devil. No. I just kind of want to be like, hey, girl, hey. I can see that. She's a vampire.

Is Kathy Race had a hot point? Hotter. You can't get much hotter than Kathy Bates. Kathy Bates circa now or circa American Horror Story? Either way.

Season three or four? At one point they were much younger than they are now. I'm just thinking her in the hot tub scene. Yeah. J-Lo's nip just pops out.

Wes Anderson is tweeting about this on his typewriter. Hashtag. I knew it. They're a schematic of the Death Star on the stage. I know.

And this is where you head in. We've got to hit the thermal port. And you don't want to see part two with Childish Gambino. It's Childish Gambino, isn't it? It's going to be in Magic Mike part two.

That makes me sad for him because he's better than that shit. He kind of is. Way better than Lazarus Effect, too, though, on that note. I still want to see Lazarus Effect, though. Gambino and Evan Peterson, I want to see it.

Sorry. Sorry, Lazarus. Because we haven't already seen Flatliners. That's what I said when. The trailer came out.

Flatliners reboot. Next category. All right. We're losing people. They're dropping.

We're losing people. I already clubbed Michael with a foiler. He's dead now. Yeah. That's why you haven't heard him in a while.

We had to take him out, so we're losing people. So, this one I just broke up. I gave people their option of your favorite, what you would consider to be a mainstream movie. Again, the other nominee is The Lego Movie, which is awesome. After Tomorrow, awesome.

Birdman, Interstellar, but we all know it's Guardians of the Galaxy. The winner is Guardians, by far. You kind of own 2014. Everybody, yeah, everybody kind of was on board with that. This one, again, that's why I leave it up to the person to decide, because a lot of these, it becomes a weird dividing line now, what you want to consider indie, because the other one is your favorite indie, what you would consider to be an indie film for 2015.

Our options are Begin Again, Citizen Four, which is at least an indie film, Nightcrawler, Stretch, We Still Kill the Old Way, Dead Snow 2, or at least that one's Indy, Jodorowsky's Dune, Cold in July, Inherit Vice, and Birdman. Some of those were not Indy at all. And the winner, again, most of these, it's arguably, why leave it up to the, oh, they're kicking up the birdies. And the winner is Jodorowsky's Dune. So there's our rundown.

Finish the categories. That means it's time for dessert. You know it's coming. What's dessert? Bacon dessert?

You know you love the crack. Don't pretend like you don't love the crack. I'll give you some crack. Let's bust it out. It's really crack for dessert.

It's pretty good, but it's very fatty. It's hard not to feel that emptiness. Okay, Karen, we're rounding this thing out. Okay. Most people have wandered off.

David is sleepy and he went home. I've definitely fallen asleep a couple times. She's dozed a few times. She woke up to play with Babe and get some pastry crack because, again, it's a tradition. We have to have the pastry cracked to round this thing out.

So we're all cracked up on sugar and that's good because I have to drive home. So we'd like to thank you for once again joining us on this year's annual ridiculous tradition of Oscar Meltdown and for partaking in the foilers. Any parting words, Karen? What are your thoughts on the films of 2014? I really haven't.

Seen any of them this year. I was slacking this year. That's why this awesome list that we've assembled for you, you just were making a list. I assigned like three today before you left. I know.

I really need to watch them. Don't worry, I got them all off Redbox. Yes, he bought them right away. He went to a store and bought them on Blu-ray while we were having pastry crack. Support your local video stores.

Oh, wait, most of those are gone. All right, well, hopefully everyone has found movies that they loved or now need to see, like all the ones I just gave for Dave to watch. Are you dying? All right, it's like 3 in the morning now, and Oscar time. We better get the hell out of here.

Otherwise, that about does it. We will return next time. Same geek feed. Thanks for listening. The Skrillex might be too rowdy for this audience.

I could watch you for a lifetime You're my favorite movie I never knew what's coming. Forever fascinating. Hope you don't stop running to make us all. You are my cinema, I could watch you forever. Action, thriller, I could watch you forever. . . . . .

We'll be right back. Thank you for watching. You are a cinema, I could watch you forever. Action, thriller, I. Could watch you forever.

You are my cinema, the Hollywood treasure. Love you just. The way you are, my cinema, my cinema. Get up, get down. My leaves, they're going to.

Break it down. Get up, get down. My leaves, they're going to break it down. Get up, get down. My leaves, they're going to break it down.

Get up, get down. Get up, get down. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

The Hollywood treasure. Tango and Cash. I haven't seen Tango and Cash in a minute. That'd be good stuff, actually. Cash and Tango.

Tango and Cash. Rats in a maze. I will watch Tango and Cash. I'm just scamming movies right now in the middle of the show. I'm in front of you.

Shh. People, close your eyes. Close your ears. This is not allowed. I'm going to do it when I get home, but at least I wait until I'm in the privacy of my home.

Okay, you're not awkward at all. At all. Really want to rewind. Complete opposite of awkward. I really thought he was going in to lick his ear there.

I was like, they are totally going to make out on stage. How do you spell inheritance? I'm not healthy. Look at the look on the kid from boyhood. He's like, I think I've been here for 12 years.

You got the red line of fail on that. I'm not a good speller. You're good at thievery, but not spelling. Oh, it's so. Easy to spell.

Wow, his teeth are fucked. Probably just English. It's alright. Sorry, I don't care. No, his teeth were fucked up.

Sorry. They do match his shirt. They were like some fucking pirate teeth. They haven't been brushed in a dick year. This episode is a production of Movie Meltdown.

Produced and edited by The Oddity Studios. With opening music performed by The Empires. For more on how to sponsor or support the show, email producer at moviemeltdown.com.