You're Never Too Young to Die

Hi, this is John Waters and you're listening to Movie Meltdown. You better keep listening or I'll have you killed. Power nuclear reactor pumping out 1 million kilowatts of power. What's up and welcome. To Movie Meltdown.

I'm Brian. I'm Misty. And I'm Jerry. And we're coming to you live via digital recording from the Bastion of Awesomeness. And as threatened last time, we were going to watch a movie and I guess it's a movie.

Blaming this entirely on Boyfriend. Well, I mean, it was one of those as the even recently we were discussing movies and I was like, because he brought up one I did want to see and want to put on our list so we can have a special Jay's Picks. Would it have been better than this one? As you threw this out, I was like, you know, we do make Jay watch a lot of ridiculous crap over the years and usually you don't even you're just going to it and yeah this is totally revenge but I was like he should get to pick some sometimes most of the time either we're doing it for a specific reason that I came up with and Misty's like I don't care I want to watch this movie and then now Jay's revenge yes maybe that's the name.

Of this thing the Jay strikes back revenge of the Jay. I like Jay Strikes Back better. Yeah, it does work. So, are we ready to just jump right to it? Yeah.

We're going to jump in both feet with spiked heels on. Both feet on fire. It's time for Sofa Theater. The new American hero. Go!

John Stamos is Stargrove. Stargrove! Vanity is Donja. Gene Simmons is Ragnar. Yeah!

Never too young to die. Rated R. They try to tell us we're too young. Too young to really be They say that love's. A word A word we've only.

Heard But can't begin to know the meaning of. All right. This week's Sympathy to Feature is Never Too Young to. Die. Hell yeah, it is.

The year is 1986. The director, you want to call him that, is Gil Bettman. And the plot, according to IMDb, a top secret agent is murdered. So is a strange son a high school, he's a high school gymnast? I thought he was at least college.

I thought he was in college. Way to go, IMDb. A high school gymnast teams up with his dad's attractive female partner to stop the psychopathic, hermaphroditic gang leader who killed him and now plans a major terrorist attack. Spoiler alert! I don't think anything we could say could come close to the watching of this film, but we'll still probably spoil something, so you should go...

Watch it first. That sounded convincing. Will anybody go watch it? Hey, it is available to watch on the, what did I say it was on? No, you can watch it for free.

Tubi? It's on Tubi for free, but it does have commercials. It does have the commercials if you do choose to watch it on Tubi, or you can pay the $ 4, the big money, and watch it on Amazon Prime. I'm like the only one who paid $ 4 to watch it on Amazon Prime. They're having like a party up there.

Somebody finally clicked on it! Sucker! Oh. Where do we even start? Turd balls?

You know, I don't even remember where I heard about this movie. It was on a music podcast, actually, I think it was, and they were talking about 80s music. And, I. Mean, you know, to me, 1986 will always be the best year that I remember growing up. everything's 86 for me. Because of this movie?

Not because of this movie, but because of the year. They were talking about music and somebody had said something, they had mentioned something about this movie and said that it's got to be one of the worst movies they've ever seen. And I was like, and they were like, and it's got John Stamos in it. And I was like, I was at work, I was like, what the hell is this movie? So I had to look it up.

I had to look up the trailer on YouTube and I was like, holy shit, we've got to watch this movie because it's got Not only John Stamos, but it's also got Gene Simmons in it. And? And Vanity. And? And Robert England.

And? Is there any other ands? And that other guy. George Lazenby? Yeah, George Lazenby.

I forgot about him. As I'm sure he would like everyone to forget. I'm pretty sure that was part of his contract. I thought you were talking about the big muscle guy that was only. That was Ed Brock.

Giant hair dude. And then that one guy who was in four episodes of The Twilight Zone, whose name I already forgot. Yeah. Anyways. Well, see, that's the sad thing is you sent it over and I was like, oh yeah, I remember.

Luckily I hadn't seen it, but I do remember just dork hanging around the video store. Like I do remember seeing that, especially once I brought up the, the, like the VHS cover. I was like, oh yeah, I remember that one. And I do remember the cast. I definitely remember the vanity part.

She might have been on the cover. Maybe they were hiding the Gene Simmons part. They might have been. Because I didn't really... Until we got into this...

Hold on. He was one of the most enjoyable parts of this movie. Well, I was like, that's the thing, though. I did remember a movie that his thing going on there was part of the plot. I do remember.

I was like, oh, yeah, he did do something. I forgot it was this movie, so... Until we got into it, I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, this would have been one of the cheesiest movies I would have rented from the... I don't even know what it is.

The corner. Where I was, we didn't have video stores. We had. The. Quickie Mart.

Yeah, it was kind of like Quickie Mart. It was a local grocery gas station, and it carried... VHS tapes. The best movie. Well, yeah, yeah.

It got all the greatest movies. Yeah, I think it got all the, you know, well, we can't order this, so I guess we'll be ordering this. They're all out of Starman, so instead we got A Million Ways to Die. It's got Uncle Jesse in it. People are going to love this movie.

Oh, my God. Yeah, they always got all the greatest movies that nobody had ever heard of. So sadly that I think that says a lot about me is that I had heard of it. Yeah. I remembered it and probably would have watched it.

Just don't think I got around to it at the time. And thank goodness we made up for that today. Yes, we did. So they do really is, as I said, once it started, I was like, they just throw you right into this. Like we immediately descend into the, the little scene there with, with the.

This movie just throws you into the middle of fucking nowhere, and you're just like, what, turd balls? We're immediately in that set. But you already know. You already know. You've had years to prepare for this.

You know where you are. Do we? You do. Because I'm still lost. You do.

It's 80s. It's back during the time when punks were feared by every good, upstanding Christian citizen ever. You know, punks were evil and satanic, and, you know, so was anybody else that didn't fit into that mold. So, obviously, they were always the go-to for the terrorists or bad guys of sorts. This is, like, very torn, though, because it's like, are we in, like, post-apocalyptic time?

Because we have, like, Mad Max fucking. Going on all the time. Yeah, you almost think that for a second, and then you realize it's actual. just, like, normal times. As we said, there's a lot of movies, specifically 80s era, that, like, that line becomes really blurred. Yeah.

I'm like, why does this world coexist with regular life world? Cause that was the eighties. It was very Mad Max or the lost boys from hook. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's, that's what I was looking. I was trying to, I was like, what? It's such a dividing line of like, there's been a handful of movies that have like over the years been like, okay, this movie changed every movie that came after it. You know, it's like anything that you can put up in the, This movie changed nothing. No, I'm not talking about this one.

But that's the thing. I was like, you know, from Star Wars on, every, like, special effects were different and every approach at marketing was different. In that same category, maybe a little further down, but the Road Warrior, like, every movie after that was like, anybody that ever worked in somebody with a mohawk, Somebody wearing giant shoulder pads or leather or driving a spike dune buggy. Everything about Road Warrior struck a nerve in so many people that they were just like, okay, from this point on, we're going to have to keep working these characters into movies even when they don't fit. We're going to cram them in there.

Because this is totally Road Warrior stuff. Like, through half of this movie, for no real reason. Motorcycles that are just painted. Everything's painted flat black. There's nets hanging on stuff.

Skulls. Half the motorcycles have horse heads. Yeah, that was kind of weird. They don't explain that. And half of his guys, like, while...

Which, again, is part of what I'm trying to, as I'm building my post-apocalyptic world, I do like it's just a mix of all kinds of crazy shit. Because even there, it's like, okay, giant leather shoulder pads with your mohawk, and then the other guy's just wearing medieval garb. Yeah. He just came from the joust down the street with a big turkey leg in his hand. And I was just like, wait, what?

Those are kind of two different eras, and that's why post-apocalyptic works. It's every era thrown together into a big old mess, and then you just slap a mohawk on it, and you're good to go. But once again, we're not really in there. Most of this takes place in our regular world, where you go to your high school slash college, and you go and everything. They have a dorm room together for fun things.

That's what I'm saying. I was like, he's in a dorm. There's no way he's in high school. I'm pretty sure he's in college. I think he's in college.

I guess this could have been a private school. Maybe they have their own dorms there. Ah. I also think they let any idiot write stuff on MTV. It would have had to have been high school because college, they don't have parent days, do they?

I don't know. I didn't go to college. I dropped out. Obviously, I don't know anything. That's why I'm here.

Talking about this movie right now. He was 23 at this point. In the real world? In the real world. Well, they always pretend like they're younger.

So that's the other thing I had to check. Time wise, because I'm watching at the very beginning when we're seeing Stamos and his full Stamosness with his Uncle Jesse hair and he's doing his bounciness and he's trying to pretend like he's on the rings. And I'm like, you are no Mitch Gaylord. Because this was I was like, this is right around that same time when they were like, we just came out of the 84 Olympics. That was the coolest thing ever.

Like suddenly everything that won gold medals, which was everything for the US that year. Was the coolest thing. How can we market on it and turn it into stuff? And again, it's June of 86 is when American Anthem came out starring gold medal winner Mitch Gaylord. And it's not this dumb plot.

It's just like a weird music video inspired slash relationship going on. It's not anything with spies and post-apocalyptic weirdos. But. I'm like, you're watching him at the beginning, and I'm like, this came out the same time. But as I believe you said, they shot this in about a week.

And a half. So I'm pretty sure the studio movie American Anthem was being made. Hold on, let me go back to the trivia. 35 days? It was shot in 35 days.

So that's what I'm saying. I was like, the studio movie, I'm sure they were working on for a year and a half and put out press releases. Hey, look, we've got Mitch Gaylord. He's going to make a movie. And suddenly they were like, huh.

We could get our guy to be into gymnastics. Yeah, that would totally make him a super spy. People would really respond to gymnastics. This was his actual first real movie. He was in a TV show.

I mean, after you're in general hospital, you can do anything. Well, he was on Dreams first. That was his first. And then an Alice in Wonderland TV movie. Nice.

See, this was even pre-Full House. By one year. Hmm. Because this was 86. He started on Full House in 87.

But he was already coming off of that General Hospital, right? But he was on there for years, so it probably puts that at the end. Yeah, he was on from 82 to 92. Blackie Parrish. Wow, I think my mom watched General Hospital.

Oh, I know my mom and my grandma did. I remember that is like the first time I remember seeing him because he was the cool guy, obviously. I don't remember anything about it. I just remember that was mom's story time and that meant get the fuck out of the house. Yeah.

She kicked me out of the house and locked the door and I was left to run around the neighborhood or the woods. And you did both. Drink out of the water hose. Drink out of the water hose, because that's your water. Bring it back around, because they had the water hose scene.

We'll get back to her later. No, that was the other one I was thinking, too, right around this time. Yep, they got that one out a little quicker. 1985 is Gymkata. Oh, Gymkata, yeah.

Coming off our 84-year-old movie. Yeah, I forgot about that movie. Or it was another movie I wanted to watch. We can put it on the Jay's Strikes Back. No.

I don't know. We officially, at some point down the line, are going to have to cover it. Yeah, we'll have to watch it. But that was what I was thinking. It was like that's after, again, 84 was just that big thing when all of a sudden everybody cared about the Olympics.

Yeah. And one of the big things was gymnastics all of a sudden. So, like, yeah, everything became, how do we work that into our pop culture? Oh, my family had a huge Olympics thing. It was like a book.

It was a coffee table book. It was huge. I bet they paid a fortune for it back then. It was the biggest, yeah. Yeah, it was the biggest.

Fucking book we had on the coffee table. The thing was gigantic. It was probably about the size of like a, you know, like the square pans you put in your oven to cook French fries on. It was like that big. It was fucking huge.

It was huge. Yeah, I don't even know why they bought that. They just had it on the table. You could have just put legs on the book and used that. As a table.

Yeah, that was a big thing. I do remember. 84, like that was, because that was, I mean, that was the year we were all, it was the big push. It was also in this country, which doesn't always happen. Didn't we beat the Russians?

Well, that was the thing. That was the back and forth when one year we dropped out and then the next year they dropped out. So our only competition most of the time, not to act like, USA is a big deal, but Americans, that's what we do. Back then. But that's the thing.

Like, most of our competition at the time was Russia. And the 84 Olympics, they boycotted and or didn't come to America to compete. So, like, there was no, like, we wiped, like, in every event just about, except some of those weird, like, winter ones that probably, like, Norway and Sweden just kicked our ass. But for the most part, like, all of those other events that we had any competition in were just, we just mowed over everybody. So again, American pride was like through the freaking roof.

Yeah, it was. And mostly I just remember it. Cause I, we cleaned up at McDonald's. Cause remember they did that little like pull off thing on the prize. And if, and the way they used to do it, I think they changed it later.

Cause they got burned this very year. Well, at the time, if you pulled it off and you're like, oh, men's gymnastics. And if you won a silver medal, you got some fries. But gold medal, you got a Big Mac or something. We won so many gold medals.

They probably took a huge loss on that promo. Way to go, McDonald's. We should have been handing out more bronze. Way to go, McDonald's. So, yeah, the Olympics.

Somehow that factored into this. because why else would you have Uncle Jesse bouncing on his bouncy castle? Because that's pretty much all he was doing in his gym scenes. Hey, I'll have you know he took gymnastic lessons for this role. I'm not sure what those gymnastic lessons were. To bounce and then bounce on his stomach like he was going to do a flip?

Yeah, he almost did a flip. He didn't, but he almost did. Then later he was on the rings and his double in that really bad wig did a much better impression. He was on the rings long enough to go upside down. Kind of.

He goes upside down. He goes upside down. And then they went from like a block and a half away to shoot the other shot where he actually did tricks. And it still looked like a pretty bad wig. It was awful.

Gymnastics. How lucky was he to have the super nerdy Asian sidekick to build all kinds of weird stuff? And then he stole his bike and just fucking left it out on the road. But then it's funny because he ends up. buying a new motorcycle using his credit card. And that one gets stolen too.

Yeah, it did. Didn't it? Yeah. They go through a lot of bikes in this movie. Yeah, there are a lot of good old motorcycles in this movie.

A lot of old dirt bikes. Well, no, not those. Those were pretty cool. Come on now. Yeah.

Yeah, he had his own M or Q or some other letter. From James Bond. Well, and that's what I realized, because I didn't even realize that's what this was. Like, I thought it was just going to be a dumb action movie, which to some extent it is. Yeah.

But it also, like, once we get into the spy stuff, and I was like, oh, is this James Bond Jr. Yeah. It is. That's James Bond's dad. On the trivia, it was supposed to actually be like a new, like, spinoff series, like a...

The movie was intended as the starting point for a Son of Bond-type franchise. It not only flopped at the box office, but was later shunned by its co-star Gene Simmons. Years later, when a fan recognized him as Velvet Von Ragnar, Simmons exclaimed, Don't tell me you saw that thing! See, that's what I thought. This was right in the lull area there.

Because we don't get the new Bond until 87. So that's when we get Living Daylights. Again, there was a little resurgence because we got a new Bond. But yeah, we're coming out of old, tired Roger Moore. Being like, yeah, I'll do another one.

All right, I'll do another one. He did several more than I think even he planned to do. So I could see them wanting to do kind of a reboot, even if it wasn't an official reboot. Just a side version. It always cracks me up in these movies, though, like in the 80s.

It was like, you know, if your dad was like a super spy or if he was like a fighter pilot or something like that or, you know, whatever, and he didn't spend any time with you and you don't know anything, you're a gymnast, let's say, that all of a sudden you find his secret lair of, you know, guns and shit and all of a sudden you know how to do All the things that your dad probably spent years training in the military to do. If you had a magic medallion, sure. Yeah, if you got a magic medallion. All of a sudden, you're endowed with those. Is it endowed or imbued?

Whatever. Oh, he was endowed. Whatever. Couldn't win Vanity over unless you were endowed. But all of a sudden, he had those powers.

He's like, oh, you're a... And come on, what was the last name? Star? Oh, wait. Stargrove.

Stargrove? Who the fuck came up with that last name? I was like, that sounds like a bad sci-fi video game from 1986. Oh, man, I couldn't get past level three on Stargrove. Yeah, either that or, like, a really cheesy 80s.

I don't know, like... Like, they took space and crossed it with a western, and then you had, like, Stargrove. I think it's more like a Muppet crossover skit. Yeah. And you get Grover.

Yeah. He's doing like a Star Wars knockoff. He's like, I'm Star Grover. Like he flies a spaceship and pigs in space essentially. But you know, with Grover, which I'm kind of want to see now is what I'm thinking.

This sounds kind of awesome. But yeah, come on, come up with a believable name. Lance. So, Lance. Lancey, Lancey.

Oh, So, yeah, we skipped over our little intro to Gene where we get... Turdballs. Turdballs. My little turdballs. My little scumbuckets.

We're them good. But good. Figured out how to access their computers and rechannel radioactive waste so it goes from Diablo Canyon into their drinking water. Poison the water supply. I'm gonna poison the water supply!

For gold, for ransom, for jewels, for money! Poison! Poison! Poison! How are we.

Going to do this? With all the info we have crammed onto our little computer disk. Our own little. Ramcade! Ramcade!

Ramcade! Ramcade! But there's a slight glitch. Someone has stolen our disk. Every time he's like that time in the beginning and then later when he does his big speech at the end.

Do they let him freeform that? I guess because it's like it doesn't make any sense. It's just like obscenity mixed with nonsense and he just keeps saying more sentences and I'm like what? What are you doing? Stop talking.

I'm not going to lie. Usually I do not like Gene Simmons. And that was the part I was least looking forward to in this movie. And I'm not going to lie. I was thoroughly entertained.

I was pretty entertained. By Gene Simmons. He was the highlight of this movie for me. And all his sparkliness and boas. All of his fucking Frankenfurter makeup.

I don't give a shit. He was fantastic in this movie. I almost can't believe he did it. Just knowing what a cocky Mr. Manly dude he is, this seems like something that would go against his I'm too cool and manly to pretend to be whatever we're going to call him in this movie.

But still, especially at that time, now it would be cool to have a big star do that if you want to call him a big star. I don't think so. But at the time, he was pretty recognizable. So, yeah, it seems like a weird move in 86 to play that, especially when you're, if you were cool, if you're Tim Curry, you can pull that off. When you're Gene Simmons, I don't know, it seems like his weird ego would get the better of him and he'd turn down the role.

But I don't know. This was just a weird era that he just kept cramming himself into movies. I don't know that anybody asked him to be in movies, but. I kind of like a lot of movies. At this point.

I kind of like the bar they hang out at. I kind of want to go to that bar. I mean, I mean, I've been to some bars that are kind of like that, but that's, that's. What I was thinking too. Actually, when he was doing a stage show, I was like, Oh yeah, it's just kind of like connections in the nineties.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty much what was going on without the, without the guys on the fiery, uh, all the crazy road warrior stuff taken out. But the rest of the stuff going on, I'm like, Yeah, that was just kind of the way the bar was there. Yeah.

A little more of a production to their stage show. Just a little bit more. Yeah. But yeah, we missed the... That's when I knew we were in trouble and we had a magical movie in store for us when the The woman he was threatening said, not the finger.

I was like, oh God, what have we gotten ourselves into? They're all chanting, finger, finger, finger. It sounds like we're making this movie up. I swear it's a real movie. We just watched it.

Oh God. The other, I mean, just again, the weird choices they make with our hero. Because the first thing we see him do, he's cheating on a test. Yeah. So I'm like, okay, now he's a cheater.

He's using his fancy digital watch to get answers on his test. And his friend. And I was like, what the? His friend's helping him cheat. Yeah.

So you're both shady characters. Because he's a super smart Asian character. At what point would you have him there if not to help you cheat on a test? I mean, it was the 80s. I'm sorry.

Yeah. So yeah, we jump over to his dad. Lazenby? Oh, Lazenby. And what did we decide?

His contract said. If I gotta be in this piece of shit, I'll at least die in the first half hour. Gotta at least kill me pretty quick. If I'm coming back for this. If I'm coming back to the spy game, I'm gonna do it for a little bit.

And then you can give it to that Uncle Jesse kid. For a guy who gets shot in the leg twice. He moves around pretty good. He barely even limped. I know.

You know, didn't hit you in the femoral artery, didn't shatter your femur or anything like that. He's just running around. When they bandage him over his bulky pants. Yeah, you know, just go ahead and throw the bandage on top of your pants. It's fine.

But then we start to get that psychic connection. Oh, yeah. Between him and his dad. Yeah, when his dad finally gets killed. Well, he's taping up the wound and he's taping up his hands.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that part. And then we cut to, yeah, once dad gets shot, he just feels it. Yeah. Even though he was across the country, he burned his hand on a tea kettle and his dad was like, oh, my hand. Yeah, like he never sees his dad.

I got this one picture of me and my dad. I hope it doesn't get broke in a fight. That's another thing, you know. You know, when you get the shit kicked out of you, you don't just magically all of a sudden, and they do this in the movie all the time and always kind of like, just, I don't know. I always think about that.

You know, that doesn't happen. You get the shit kicked out of you. And then all of a sudden you're just like, Oh, I've got this magical power. And then I'm going to come back. It's like, no, you're getting the shit kicked out of you.

What's happening is you're starting to get tunnel vision and you can't hear very well. And you're starting to blackout. But what if you have an inspiring moment? That doesn't mean shit. What if you pick up your magical medallion from your dad and then you have superpowers?

That still doesn't mean shit. You're still getting your head stomped in. I mean, yeah, because these two jokers that show up at his barn that he inherited and start just beating the hell out of him. And it goes on for quite a while. Again, I was kind of surprised.

I was like, okay, this is our hero, but they are beating his ass for like five minutes straight and making fun of him every step of the way. And I was like, is he? still supposed to be. The heroes yeah he's crying at one point. He's crying and like he's they're like whipping him yeah like a little kid. Kind of getting his ass beat so yeah at that point i'm just like what what are we doing with this character but it is one of those like did he not like did he also forget because then when he gets his inspiration and he and he's like ha ha He starts using all his badass gymnastic powers to kick their ass.

As one does. So, like, did he just forget that he knew all his gymnastics when they were beating his ass? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure gymnastics doesn't translate to fighting in the real world. If you can do flips and flip over them. That just means you can do flips.

And then you punch them. They don't punch you. Yeah, no, that's not how that works. Oh, God. But yeah, when they attack her in the barn, the dude with the hair, what the fuck is his name?

Pyramid. As if this wasn't already a cartoon. Like, he is the most cartoon character... I said it. I was like, he looks like a really over-the-top Ben Stiller character.

He does, doesn't he? He's got the bad mustache and a giant hairdo. It looks like one of those side movies that they hire him to come in and just be a really over-the-top funny character. Yup, that's who this guy was. Like that.

He's like the super muscle-bound right-hand man. Who constantly gets his ass kicked. For somebody that big, he loses every turn because he's Dumb, I guess. I don't know. Hungry?

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Bigger. Better. Different. It's got to be when he's around. My name's Bond.

James Bond. The new Bond. Suppose I were to kill you for a thrill. The different 007. So Misty, You like horror.

I do. It's my favorite. I think most people are into that. And if they are, they should be joining up on the old Meltdown Horror Club. I will take you to a place where my friends foregather.

There you will find stories of such blood-curdling terror that will make your toes curl and your hair reach up towards the sky. But yes, all they have to do is go to MovieMeltdown.com, click on the Meltdown Horror Club link that's right there on the right-hand side, and join the club. Hells yeah. And then they can hear exclusive episodes all about horror, all about whatever crazy movies we're watching. And at this point, they get to help us pick the next movie that we watch.

Awesome. Them and Satan. And or the evil forces that live inside the 20-sided die that I now use to choose what our next horror movie is going to be. But you put things on the list, and then we go to the evil forces that live and die, and they tell us what the next movie is. It's pretty fun.

Sounds pretty exciting. I think we're having fun with it, and you can be part of that fun. Go to MovieMeltdown.com, join the Meltdown Horror Club, and get in on the action. The most fun you'll ever have being scared. Hi, I'm Patricia Quinn, and you're luckily listening to Movie Meltdown.

Michael Rainey was ill the day. The earth stood still. But he told us where we stand And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear Claude Rains was the invisible man Then something went wrong for Fay. Wray and Keith. That's part of your problem, you know.

You haven't seen enough movies. All of life's riddles are answered in the movies. And now, on with the show. It takes a man like me to be a woman like me. Yeah!

Can you guess what I am? Do you believe what you see? Yeah! Yeah! Well, is this a dream or can I be for real?

Well, if you doubt yourself, I can let you feel. But that was after the production. Misty. Would you like to discuss. I've been watching it.

I haven't sat here watching it the whole time. You can't focus. I'm going back and forth comparing the scenes. I wonder if they used some of the same dance moves. If you want to call those dance moves.

There was a lot of pelvic thrust going on. Oh, God. Yeah, apparently the outfit that he wears... Gene Simmons. I was trying to figure out his.

Whatever his stage name was. Velvet Von... Something or other. Ragnar. Yeah, Ragnar.

The outfit that he wears during his song that he sings in the club. Apparently, in 1980, they did a... I don't know if it was some kind of special where they were doing like... I don't know if they were performances... In tribute to Kiss?

I mean, they used to do a lot of, like, just musical shows on TV. Like, as I remember as a kid, like. Kiss was big when I was a kid. Yeah, Kiss, too. But just in general.

Like, everything was just a musical act. Because, I mean, you can see that they have people representing every member of the band. Yeah, they do. But, yeah, it used to be. But then they have Linda Carter singing, I was made for loving you.

But she's wearing the... Six years previous, she was wearing the exact same outfit. Well, I guess Gene Simmons wore the outfit six years later that she wore in 1980. It's the exact same fucking outfit. Like, the same headpiece, the same, like, boas.

Flower. It's exactly the same. Feathers. I'm pretty sure it's literally, he might have let it out. He definitely had to let it out a lot.

But it is literally the exact same outfit. But yeah, we were trying to figure out what year it was. I'm not even sure what the special would have been. Who knows? They did a ton of those.

Again, they did. They were always on TV. Because everything, like even normal shows were just musical variety. Your Donny and Marie's and stuff at the time that were just musical numbers that went. After the other.

There were a lot of Captain and Tennille stuff, too. I remember seeing them on TV. Yeah, there was another one. But then even the... I remember going back and watching...

When we were doing the musical episode talking about Billy Dee Williams, he was on a special in the mid-80s that was doing a song and dance number with somebody else. It was just a tribute to... It was a tie-in with the network because Diana Ross was having a new album come out and they did a whole hour or longer special where different people just came out and performed songs with her. I was just like, That happened a lot at the time. They just did musical shows all the time on regular television.

So it's still kind of weird to kiss. As big as they were, that's still a different demographic. There's a special from 1980 called, hold on a second, Linda Carter's Rock and Roll Fantasy. Oh, so it was just Linda. Carter doing different.

Linda Carter was huge in the 80s, though. God, she was so beautiful. She was. Still. Have you seen her now?

She still looks good. That's a long time ago, and she still looks damn good. But apparently she is performing a variety of M.O.R. and country songs. sometimes with special guest stars like Kenny Rogers, Tom Jones, Leo Sayre, along humorous skits. She did some Tom Jones songs. I love me some Tom Jones.

Apparently she did several of these. I don't know. In her original 1980s special, she also added a bit of rock and roll into the mix. Well, sort of. Her rock and roll fantasy consisted of her dressing up like Tina Turner.

Let's see a white performer get away with that today. It says it on the thing. I didn't put that in there myself. Well, I mean, it depends. If she's just wearing the outfit, or is it going a little further?

I have no idea. Let's hope she just wore a similar outfit. Short skirts. She's got tons of legs. She could pull that off.

Yeah. It was the exact same fucking outfit. Well, and you were saying, like, you were talking about how much it seems like he's doing his frankenverter. It very much seemed to me like he was trying his best. Even the makeup looks similar.

But it's also, like, as you were saying, I was thinking, like, well, this wasn't that much. It's 11 years. Like, it's not, like, now you think how long ago it's been since Rocky Horror came out. But, like, it was only 11 years later, and it really hadn't broke through into the mainstream at all. Like, it was still that weird midnight movie.

So, like, he probably didn't think anybody would remember. Right. It's like, oh, that movie from a few years ago. Yeah, it really didn't work, but I'm going to do my version and it's going to be way better. So I kind of can see him thinking he could just do a similar thing, but again, it wasn't the cultural icon that it eventually became.

It was still just kids hanging out at midnight 11 years later. It was not near... I don't know. We still kind of go back to it now just because it's got such a fan base, but I think that fan base was still just hanging out at midnight. And the people at home that they're making this obviously wonderful film for, they probably weren't quite as schooled on Rocky Horror.

It's still weird watching him do that. Gene Simmons in that outfit doing that. He's almost a little too good at the performance part of it. Well, I mean, that's what he does. He's a performer.

Not that version of the performance, though. I mean, again, so much of it is him trying to do a very feminine, the way that he holds himself, the way that he gestures towards things. But he's had a career being. Very. Flamboyant?

Not quite flamboyant, but he's certainly over the top. Yeah, very dramatic in his performance, so I can understand how it could also translate to that because he it they were all about the performance it was all about the theatrics so. I could understand more than the music exactly like i don't think they're terrible but like i even even as a kid i was like well i like the blood and the fire and all. The theatrics it's all a show it's. All i forgot about the music they played most of the time i just remembered the theatrics part of it so And the snake boots.

That was really the only thing that sold me as a kid. Those snake boots were badass. I want a pair of snake boots. I totally. You're not getting them.

Shut up. My cousin was so into them. And he had bat wings too. And had a big ass poster. Probably the Love Gun poster or whatever.

And like I just remember looking at the big fantasy artwork they did of him. I'm like those boots are fucking awesome. They were. And then they got to the 80s and he moved on to the heels instead. They moved on to the neon colors.

Yeah they did get a little more glammy and That terrible hair was kind of just the way his hair looked in the 80s, truthfully. And how they managed to shove all that in a fucking bullshit wig, I ain't figured out yet. I don't know. So I guess this was him just continuing on with his new weird post-makeup 80s look. Stealing Linda Carter's outfit.

It was! Oh, man. Should we talk about the fake hair? Are we leaving that part out? Is that too much of a spoiler?

Which fake hair? His fucking beard. Oh, God. We already told you spoilers, but I mean, again. He's a secret agent, double agent.

The second I saw him, I was like, oh, that is a terrible wig and beard for Eugene Simmons pretending to be another dude. I didn't even know it was Gene Simmons. Because it was kind of dark the first time we saw him, and I'm like, I don't know. I knew it was a wig, because I called that out immediately. Yeah, you did, but I was just like, on Gene Simmons.

He looked like the old G.I. Joe figures. When they first got the real hair? Yeah, when they got real hair. That's what he looked like.

Yeah, I'm not going to argue. That's pretty close. I don't know if he had a kung fu grip, but it's pretty close. He looked like the G.I. Joe.

I was like, wow, they couldn't even afford a guy with a real beard? They had to import this guy. What did you call him? The dollar store? Dollar store Chuck Norris.

Oh, God. Or was it dime store Chuck Norris? I said five and dime. You said five and dime Chuck Norris. Yeah.

Because he wasn't even the full dollar. Yeah. And then later you find out It's really Gene Simmons. Holy shnikes. Oh, tricked you the whole time.

I like that he had the eye makeup on. I was flamboozled. I like that he takes his sunglasses off for the big reveal. He's got the eye makeup. Yeah, the fucking maniacal laugh.

I can't even do that. I mean, he did at least commit to that level of his ridiculous character. Like, he had that laugh down. And you bought it. That's just what this weird character did all the time.

I don't know. How much drugs do you think he was on at this point? A lot. I'm guessing. Who knows?

Who knows? Listen. I promise you. I'm going to do everything I can to find out what happened. To your daddy.

Will it bring him back? No. So thanks, but no thanks, all right? I don't get it. Don't you care about your father?

Yeah. Almost as much as he cared about me. Excuse me. I thought I saw a different Stargirl back at the barn. I was obviously mistaken, huh?

Oh, man. We barely even talked about Uncle Jesse. Because he kind of blended in the background of the magnificence that was the Gene Simmons show. And then, you know, we got Vanity. She's there to be Vanity.

She's there to have the most awkward fucking seduction scene I've ever seen. Wait a minute, when did Purple Rain come out? Was that 86? Oh, now we gotta look up because I can't remember. 84.

Yeah, see? But I mean, technically she's not... She was still... She's just Prince adjacent. She's not...

That was the weird little switch that happened because she was supposed to be in Purple Rain. I think, if I'm remembering these stories right, I don't remember what the rift was. Because it was even Vanity 6 that was her band beforehand that Prince produced. And then suddenly it became Apollonia. And then the band was Apollonia 6.

And I was like, well, you're not hiding this very much. So I don't remember what it was that caused that weird little split and or switcheroo. So yeah, she just became known because she hung out with Prince. And was one of the many super hot chicks he was involved with. Yeah, I don't know.

Okay, no, she was in Playboy in 88. I was trying to figure out if there was a tie-in between her kind of like, but I guess it was just kind of in the vicinity of Prince. I mean, everybody got kind of famous for being cool and hanging out with him. It's no offense. He's an amazing drummer, but She just became known because she hung out with Prince and then was part of the band and then did her own thing and was like, I think his album was, or she was definitely got her album made because she was hanging out with Prince.

So it's like, it just sort of helped you in your career. Yeah. It's not to say that people weren't talented. It was just that he kind of boosted. A lot of people.

I mean, he did. He continued to do that for years. I mean, the only reason we know who Carmen Electra is, is because Prince found her and went, ah, I mean, she's attractive. Maybe I can do something with this and didn't quite work out. But I mean, again, like years go by and you can go back and look at all these different people that were connected to him over the years.

And so many of them became famous sometimes just because they were hanging out with Prince. And then sometimes they were talented and did their own thing. But I didn't know she was in The Last Dragon. Yeah, she's in The Last Dragon. Wait a minute.

What was The Last Dragon? 85. 85. Yeah. So maybe that was a movie star.

I forgot about that. I forgot about The Last Dragon. She did a lot of stuff at this point. I haven't seen that movie in forever either. Put it on the list.

But yeah, she became a legit movie star. Kind of. Yeah. As much as you need vanity to be in your movie. I always forget that she died already.

What? Yeah. It's 2016. Oh, gosh. I forgot about that.

Did she really? Damn. I remember. How old was she? 57.

Wow. That's crazy. I don't remember that. I mean, I do, but I vaguely remember it, but I don't think it was. That's crazy.

I'm trying to figure out how. She suffered from sclerosis. Sclerosis? No, it looks close. Where is it I'm looking for?

Sclerosis? Multiple sclerosis? Sclerosis encapsulating peritontis? This sounds technical. Just don't get it.

That's your best bet. Oh, man. Well, she was cute, so she had that going for her. But yeah, that was kind of that awkward, the whole stage where she's trying to get it on with Uncle Jesse and he's trying to play hard to get. Which is really funny.

It's funny, but it's stupid because what high school or college kid is going to be like, yeah, I'm not going to have sex with you because you're super hot. Yeah. I'm going to go drink my Perrier and eat some apples. Eat some apples. Okay.

It was like almost to the point of like, are they just trying to be silly at this point? Because it was some aggressive apple eating. Yeah. It was just like, I'm going to do to this apple what I'm not going to do to you. I'm going to go get some Perrier.

I'll be right back. Like, come on, Perrier. Did he get two apples? Yes. Yeah, yeah.

That's right. But he threw the other one aside because then he realized she was hosing herself down topless at that point. With a water hose. Yeah. All I could think of was how that water would taste out of the water.

Because they have that specific taste. Yeah. When you're a kid, you have to drink out of the fucking water hose. Oh, yeah. You know the taste.

Oh, yeah. Kids today don't fucking know the taste of water out of a water hose. No, it's got that hot vinyl taste. Slightly metallic taste. Slightly metallic taste to it.

You know that damn garden hose has been sitting in the sun all fucking day. And you turn it on and that water is blazing fucking hot. You gotta let it run. You gotta let it run. You always get that one fucking kid that's too stupid.

I need a drink right now. Here, you drink first. And you turn it on and they're like, ah, hot, ah, hot. And apparently it was kidney failure. That's what took her.

Oh, wow. Rest in peace. Due to kidney problems from her 10-year crack cocaine addiction. Oh, shit. That doesn't help things either.

Also, don't do crack. Don't do crack, kids. Jeez. Public service announcement. I'm glad I never did crack cocaine.

Me too. I mean, it would explain some things, but nope, that's not what happened, kids. Just hitting the head a lot. Just hitting the head. A lot, yep.

If you'd quit snoring. So. Then we get to our super hot love scene with that wonderful music. Holy shit, dude. You can only roll over a bed so many times before you just hit the fucking floor.

It was not a big bed either. For one that was also like a portal into another level of the house, it wasn't a very big bed. There's only so much action you're going to get without rolling off the side. Take off your shoes. No, I think you left those bad boys on.

You left those cool white sneakers on because he's super cool. Got to be ready for action. Just constantly showed them rolling over and over and over. And it was always like the same direction. Yeah.

So it's not like they were rolling over and then rolling back. They just kept rolling to the left. You're going to fall off the fucking bed. Well, I will give you credit, Jay, because you did, as the music kicked in, you did say, is John's chest in the corner? Which is pretty accurate.

Yeah. They're cheesy music. They've got, yeah, they've got the love sacks going on in the background. Because. I guess, you know, the saxophone, that was the music in the 80s.

I mean, there was a whole new level. Like, you used the saxophone in, like, rock music all the way up from, like, the 50s on. But, like, it hit a new plateau in the 80s. Yeah, the 80s. Timmy Capella was awesome.

That was the fucking music instrument. Well, and even, yeah, like, again, the same era, the St. Elmo's Fire era. You don't have super hot young Rob Lowe playing a guitar. He's playing a saxophone in that movie.

That's a weird thing. That's the way they chose because it was the 80s and the saxophone was super hot. That's how Bill Clinton became president. It kind of is, actually. They were like, do we want him or do we want the other guy?

Holy shit, he can play a saxophone. He talks about his underwear and he'll play a saxophone on our show for us. Arsenio made him president. Oh, Lord. You know, at the beginning of the film, and we're going to go all the way back to the beginning.

Rewind. The very impressive film. I'm just excited that he has his own theme music. We can just address the music overall, because his theme song... It has his name in it.

It's long, first of all. Yeah, it's really long. The whole song that plays while he repeatedly bounces on his trampoline. Doesn't do anything else. Just bounces up and down in his bouncy castle.

And then cuts to his stunt double. Yeah. And the fact that he had to train to jump on that trampoline. But they do use the song later on in the action scenes without the lyrics. They just have the.

Oh, did they? Yeah, you weren't paying attention. I was not. They did have it. Yeah, it was just kind of the synthesizer version of it.

With no lyrics. All of the music is just so bad. Speaking of lyrics, I had another... I had another... Apparently, Gene Simmons recycled some of the lyrics from his scene into one of his later albums.

I'm not surprised. He's kind of a hack. Like the scene where he was singing in the club? Yeah. He used that in one of his other...

Like on one of his albums. Now why are you going to badmouth this thing and then turn around and steal from it? Come on, Gene. Yeah, he talks about how it's the worst thing and he's awful in it. But then, I'm trying to figure out, I'm going back to the IMDB for the trivia section.

They should make it a little bit easier to get to. Maybe he's secretly bad-mouthing it because he hopes it will become a. He wants it to be the new Rocky. Yeah, something like that. Well, I think John Stamos made the quote that it was supposed to be the next midnight movie.

But see, some of the lyrics from Simmons' nightclub act scene would later show up in Spit, a song from the 1992 Kiss album, Revenge. This is why you don't make an album with Gene Simmons. He had to shave and wax his chest for this role. Oh, that was another thing you get to see in this movie. You can see Stamels bite his nipple.

But John was like, whoa! He's like, ah! You were like, this is not the nudity I wanted to see. Yeah, we were requesting it when we saw it was rated R, but I was hoping it was vanity. When we saw a little bit of vanity.

A little bit. We got a little side boob. But other than that, it was mostly, you get a shirtless John, and then you get way too much of Gene Simmons' chest area. He had wax and shave. Well, you've seen him.

He's a hairy dude. Not talking about the bad wig, but yeah, just he's a hairy dude. This movie was stuck in obscurity for at least 20 years, and VHS copies were very hard to find. In 2007, Shout Factory bought the rights to it and gave it new life, releasing it on Blu-ray and Prime Video. So you can get this on Blu-ray.

I guess we know what we're going to go run out and get now. We already watched it. But we could probably get more high def of Gene Simmons. It's already a little too high def. It was disturbing looking.

You've got a new TV here and it looks a little, as I said in the beginning, it looks, even the intro just looks like a bad TV show. The credits are TV font. Everything, yeah. Everything feels like it's a bad TV show. It's like guest starring.

Yeah, guest starring. But on top of that, it made everything also look cheesier. So when we go to our cheesy sets that are like leftovers from an old castle movie, it just looks like that. Somehow it looks even. And the crowd scenes, like, you just, you can see up close and detailed how distracted and bored all these extras are that are just like, what are we doing now?

Yeah. You get several. It's time to eat. They gave us hot dogs today. Where's the catering service?

So, yeah, if you want to entertain yourself, pick a few different people in those crowd scenes and watch them, because there's some that are just like. What are we doing? I'm still disappointed she wasn't really handing out muffins. Yeah, I was pretty excited when I thought, you're like, we get all of this and muffins? She's carrying around a muffin tray, and then you realize it's just got pills in it.

Ugh, drugs. Lame. Depends on what kind of muffins it'd be, though. That's the part where Simmons flies back. Actually, after he does the big reveal that he's actually the dime store Chuck Norris and steals a helicopter and kidnaps Uncle Jesse.

No, the muffins were way earlier than that. No, they weren't. No, they weren't. No, it was that last scene. It was the end scene, yeah.

They fly in, and he's like, he's like, ah. he's back he's. Coming in and they're like yay and they're all the all the the punk post-apocalyptic the. Mixture of punk kids and road warriors extras. Yeah they're just all dancing around and they're like yay they're running riding their motorcycles around in a circle and the This lady, I was like, is she carrying a fucking muffin pan? And she was.

Now I do want to join your cult. I didn't know we got muffins. Yeah, but then it turns out it's just a muffin pan full of pills. It depends on what kind of muffins. Is it like banana nut?

Because I'm like, ew, I don't like this. I don't know. I like banana nut. What if they bake the drugs into the muffins? That would be two for one.

But that's when we get our, again, continuing our wonderful music. Once we get to the action scene at the end there, we get that Casio soundtrack. They hit the demo mode and it's something special. Something to behold. Be held in.

To be turned off. But yeah, that's after we get our little fight scene with Uncle Jesse. When he pulls his I'm a macho man. One-on-one with you, Ben Stiller. He throws some insults at the pyramid and gets them all riled up.

And then doesn't even fight him, just steals a gun and shoots him immediately. That's what he does. He gets them all distracted. They don't have a lot of. Continuity with the firearms in this movie.

And I'm not so much even on the, hey, he shot 15 times when that pistol only held 10 rounds or anything like that. That's too technical. That's too technical. And I do do that because I. I know.

They're really into that. But what, you know. Sometimes they're holding the same rifle and in the next scene they're holding a different rifle. And then they switch back to holding the same rifle and then they switch back to a different rifle. Yeah, not like another scene later when they're running across there and from one shot to the next they cut and suddenly they're holding a different rifle.

Yeah, I was like, wait a minute. A gun's a gun just keep running. It's fine shoot that guy and then show a close up of him and then switch back to shooting him with a different rifle. Probably because that was like weeks later when they shot that other scene and they didn't even have those guns anymore. Yeah probably they were like I gotta take these back to the rental company she was.

Holding a rifle like gun right close enough good enough just give her this you're good just keep. Running we didn't stick to our segment of what's the proper use of the torch. Yeah. Oh, well. We did have that early on.

I was like, ooh, I can ask more torch questions, but. Yeah, well, I think he was cutting, he was cutting. Was he cutting something? Yeah, he was cutting the grating. They were trying to.

Get in that little chute hole thing, whatever. And it had a rebar that was crossed, that was covering it up. So he was cutting the rebar. So yeah, he was kind of actually doing the right thing at that point. it was just funny that the guy was going to shoot him, and he whips around and burns the guy. Did he shoot him in the crotch area?

Yeah, he shot him in the leg. No, I mean with the fire. Oh, yeah, he shot him. Yeah, dime store Chuck Norris. He hits him in the crotch.

There's all kinds of stuff there. Don't be messing with that area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As we are told, there's plenty going on down there. And he ran away.

Well, while we're on. How about his sidekick building his, like... You'd think he'd just build, like, a badass flamethrower. No. But no, no.

It shoots, like, fireballs. He said it was a laser flamethrower. Half of the time, they're dud fireballs. Yeah, they just kind of fall out on the ground. And they just fall on the ground.

That's an odd... Again, if you're going to be Q, you're going to have to be a little better. It was weird. It was like a rocket launcher that shot flaming, exploding... Balls of fire.

Yeah. Weird. Well, once again, they really set it up like that was his thing. Yeah. Because he also gives him the tracking bubble gum.

Yeah. Which never gets made use of properly. We see him use it once with her and he never does anything with it. No. And then we see him use it with Gene Simmons and then he immediately gets busted.

Yeah. Because Gene Simmons has it. Well, that one's the one that he's got with Gene Simmons is a different one because that one's got a microphone in it. That was the bug. But yeah, hers was supposed to be the tracking one, I guess.

But we never saw him like, Figuring out where she was. She just kept finding him. And how he tracked her down to where she ended up in the cool scene where she went underneath the car. Yeah, that's how he tracked her. But it doesn't show him actually looking on a screen and tracking her.

Which I thought is what he was going to do. If you're going to. Bother to do that dumb scene of him putting her in a car. Maybe he had his Asian friend tracking her and him telling her where. Well, then they should have cut to that scene.

Not everything had to make it in the movie. It has to. It doesn't make any sense. Why place a tracker on there if you're not going to have the scene of him looking at a screen showing a. Little beep, beep, beep.

That's what we're going to question. Beep, beep, yeah. It should have been on his watch. If we're on that scene, I ask the question, why did she drive under a truck other than to look like a badass? Because she was super calm as she did it.

Why not? Because we knew she was going to. What did she accomplish? Nothing. No, she just looked cool.

I mean, it was for movie purposes. Like, isn't that cool? Yeah, but I mean... Who else did that? Did they do that in Smoking the Bandit?

Yeah, I feel like they did. They had to have done it in Smoking the Bandit. And when the Griswolds did it one time. Anybody that's driving a car, eventually, I'm sure Bond's done it at some point. You have to drive underneath a giant semi.

I'm telling you now, boyfriend, do not drive any of your cars. Next road trip you're on, you'll be like, hey, hey, look at that truck. Yeah, I think the Corolla's the only one that's low enough to do that. Yeah, it would. It's like a go-kart.

We'll play this back as evidence later at some point. We'll be so angry at you. What about Robert Englund? How have we not really talked about Robert Englund yet? Because he didn't have much of a role in this.

He doesn't have much to do, but I really think at this point we need to sit down with him and we'll be like, screw all that Freddy talk. We've heard a lot of you talking about Freddy over the years. Let's talk about this movie, Robert Englund. I want to know what exactly was the motivation for him to poison. He was going to blackmail him out of money.

But he said he was going to poison him forever and ever, so it seemed like there wasn't really. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. By the time we got it, I was like, wait, what is your plan again? Because. In the beginning, it's threatening them so that he can blackmail them and get money and jewels and diamonds or whatever.

Whatever the handful of words I could make out in the nonsense in the beginning. Diamonds and jewels! The rest of it was just cursing and nonsense. Turnballs! Eventually, he got the money and jewels or whatever.

But I'm like, okay, well that at least is a motivation. Money, I get that. Especially for Gene Simmons. Yeah. More than anyone in the world, Gene Simmons loves him some money.

So, that aside, but then by the time you get to the end, they're just gonna poison the water. You're not, how are you gonna get money if you already killed a whole bunch of people? I think at that point, you're supposed to use that as leverage. I think at that point, he didn't care. He didn't care, he just wanted to poison people.

He was already done. This is a bad plan. Because even then, if they were setting up as like, oh, I just want to murder all these people for revenge or something, like, Okay, set that up as your plot. But like, he just didn't really commit to either version of it. And now it's just sort of a mess.

Until the end. Until the end when he just, you know. I win! That's once again, fully committed. Yeah.

Him or his body double that was running along there. Because by the end, there was like when they're doing the hanging over the edge. You look at the guy that's standing up there as Gene Simmons. And as bad as his hair is. The wig that guy is wearing is way worse, and he's way bigger.

He was way burlier than Gene Simmons. So yeah, there was the bad cutting with that, and the bad cutting with the guy in the John Stamos wig that was trying not to fall off the side of the dam. Yeah, there was a lot of body double action in this movie. And I'm trying to figure out how, spoiler alert, destroying the bomb thing, where it detonates, How did that stop it? As I said, I don't think they know how computer disks work.

I don't think they understand how remote triggers work. Or poison at this point. How does him throwing the detonator and then throwing his buddy's rocket launcher laser bullshit shenanigans at the thing and as they collide in the air exploding. Well, here's the other thing that makes you question it, too, is why are the sewer lines running into the drinking water supply? What?

That's how that works, right? Pipes. It's all pipes. It's all pipes. Just open it up.

We don't know how it works. Computer programs are going to open it up. I have a disc. This disc can uncode and trigger a thing. Have you ever used a disc?

Yeah. We've got the magnetic disc. And this weird little floppy disc that would hold a few images. I had those. They didn't hold shit in there.

No, they didn't. You're not going to have a program on there. They didn't even hold a gig. Did they? They didn't even hold like a megabyte.

No, yeah, that's right. They didn't hold a megabyte at all. Nothing on this little disc. Somewhere in a box, I still have some of those. I put a couple bites on there.

Usually it's just dumb pictures of celebrities or something, and it would be filled. I'd be like, oh, man, I've got to get another one. You have all those Photoshopped images of Christina Aguilera's head on naked bodies. Some of them, at least one, was also of Alicia Silverstone in the halfway in the Batgirl year. I remember that.

That one was a classic, and I have that on a disc somewhere. I was like, well, I can't not save this. I took an hour and a half to get it to upload on my dial-up. I'll go pick up the phone. Halfway through, somebody called.

Damn it. Trying to download porn. Come on. Let me download my porn in peace. Back in our days, we had to work for our porn.

Yeah, so I don't think they know how a disc works. I don't think if you've got this whole process going and about to unleash... Poo water? Poison? I don't even...

Again, I don't even know what the plan was. How are you going to poison water? Like, you said poison the water supply. I get that. Kill them for years and years or whatever.

But then he says, like, toxic waste. And I'm like, why is toxic waste plumbed into the water supply? I don't understand this. And then, like, we see him start the little program. And then some sort of pistons are working.

And, like, it's going to unleash this. Yeah, they're going to mix. Like, why would you have a big tank full of poison sitting in this water supply? Waiting to be unleashed on your water. Like, did they go build this?

Yeah. Or, like, it doesn't make any sense. I sure hope no villains accidentally get a hold of a special disc and unleash it. I'm not sure why we put all this poison here next to the water supply. Well, we put a divider in here and some piston arms, so it probably won't get mixed together.

Nope. Oh, but damn, there it goes. Whoa, they started a program with a disc. Shit. And it seems like it would have hit zero by the time he threw it up in the air anyways.

And that was my issue with that. I'm like, that's not how physics works. Because he doesn't throw them at the same time. Nope. He throws one.

Turns around, gets the other. I'm like, okay, so now that one's on the ground. Maybe if he threw it up and then threw the other one in. What, is he a gymnast? I don't think he's got those kind of muscles to be able to get it up high enough that by the time he turned around and got the gun, threw that up in the air to then have them meet at exactly the right moment.

Why don't you just take the gun and smash the computer? It was a magnetic disc. It pulled the gun, too. Yeah, those magnets in there are pretty hardcore. I don't think they're quite up to the level of a refrigerator magnet, but they're pretty powerful.

Oh, God. This movie. Is there anything we haven't seen? This movie. Oh.

I've seen a lot of crazy shit, but I'm glad to add this movie into the mix, because. Thank you, boyfriend. Yeah, I don't think my ridiculous movie collection in my head would be complete without this. And now whenever you see a garden hose. I wonder if Vanity touched that one.

Whenever she seductively maneuvered about in her sharewater hose. And then took a drink. While somebody eating an apple stared at her. Like, tell me that wouldn't be, even if you're, which again is ridiculous enough that Superhot Vanity is trying to seduce this guy who's pretending to not want anything to do with her. But.

The fact that he got through at least an entire apple. And an entire ball of Perrier. If a guy just stood there and stared at you intensely while eating an apple, wouldn't you be creeped out and not want anything to do with him? Let alone about to go sleep with him in the next room. Or roll about over and over again.

And I really kind of wanted, and maybe this was just me being the sick bastard that I am, but as they got into it there on the bed, I wanted her to whisper, you kiss like your dad. No! Because, I mean, they made it pretty clear that's what was going on with her and dad, right? No, because she told... She never said that, but.

She says, because he said, when he's looking at the pictures of his dad with all his girlfriends. You're not here. You're not in these. And she's like, I wasn't one of his playthings. And then she goes into this helping her family thing.

So I kept waiting for... her to give us the big reveal of, like, well, we were never involved like that. He was just super special, and he saved my family. And, like, I was waiting for the other half of that little setup, and they never did. So I was like, well, now did you just screw his dad? Like, what's going on?

Why set that up if you're not going to finish the story? I would expect more from the fine writing of this film. You mean somebody actually wrote this, and it wasn't just thrown together on the floor? On a napkin, sure. Yeah.

Explosions. Dude dressed up. Naked Vanity. Naked Vanity. Gene Simmons getting his boob bitten.

Can't afford Tim Curry. Who can we get? Question mark? I'm telling you. Oh, God.

Well, then they ride their post-apocalyptic dune buggy off into the sunset. Oh, but then they come back. Once and then twice. Because they have to circle back to pick up Vanity, which. You would.

I mean, come on now. Because I did intend for this to be a series of movies, so I could understand there. Because first he's like, oh no, I don't want this life. I want to go back to my school. She's like, can you sit through Biology 101 after all this?

High school biology, apparently. Yeah. Which is. If that's the story, how old's Vanity supposed to be? Why is she hooking up with this potential high school kid?

But if he's not, if he's taking biology 101, he's at least a freshman. She's been hanging out. How long was she hanging out with her dad? His dad. That's what I'm saying.

I was like, did she know him? Like, was she hanging around when he was a kid? Like, going on special missions with dad and be like, look at little John Cena. How old was... I'm going to have to look up and see how old Vanity was at this movie.

She probably really was no different. Because, yeah, you said Stamos was like 24 or 25. She probably wasn't any older than that. But it's just funny the way they play it. Like, she's a grown-up and he's a dumb school kid.

She was born in 59, so math that up for me. Oh, God. Math. What year did we say that? It came out in 86.

So if we say she was born in 60, that would make her 26. 27? 27. I got there first. She can totally hook up with a 19-year-old at best.

Fine with me. What the fuck movie is this from? I don't know, but it looks pretty weird. So we're putting that on the list. Is that the.

Tanya's Island? Tanya's Island? It looks like the Country Bear Jamboree. Adult version. Now I'm curious about Tanya.

A female model faces off against an ape on a tropical island. It didn't look like she was facing off. She's not even face to face, actually. So the other thing, as we were going through trying to find this movie on the listing there, don't think I didn't notice you eyeballing that other super cool John Stamos movie. Yeah, I know.

So now we're going to have to watch that one where he's a biker dude. Yeah. I don't remember the name of that one. I don't know. John Stamos gets a bike or something.

Something streets. Streets of John Stamos. Never too young to ride a bike. Uncle Jesse gets a bike. I don't know.

Something like that. They were riding a bicycle early on in the movie. Around the campus of the high school slash college. Oh, that's right. Will you see that beautiful drinking water on its way to millions of homes?

Well, in a little while it'll still be on its way, but this time glowing and contaminated. Not if I get up a clown. Lads can't you see the greatness in me i'm female and male man and woman i'm better than you are. Yeah but don't you understand something you're only half of. Each i'm a whole man so if you excuse me i don't have a lot of time here i gotta save the world all right well if we addressed all the things i think I don't think, really, we've scratched the surface, but we've given a nice overview of the insanity that we just witnessed.

That's pretty crazy. I'm actually, like, pleased with this movie. Yeah, I mean, it's that level of crazy that I'm just, like I said, I'm glad to have seen it now. Well, when I saw the trailer, I thought it was just a John Stamos is a super spy with vanity and blah, blah, blah. I didn't even know he was a spy.

I thought it was just going to be, like, again, like, biker gang drama or some sort of. Action bullshit but but it's it's so just weird it's actually entertaining. It's definitely weird and a mixture of several things at the time that were like this is popular and this is popular and this guy from General Hospital will make him on this. What was that band this guy was in? I don't know, put him in there too.

It's just such a conglomeration of crap from the 80s. It's like, here, and it's a movie? Yeah. Alright. I think we need to rest after this.

I don't know, I'm reading the description of Tanya's Island and I am like, I don't even know where to go with this. We're adding it to the list is what you're saying. You want me to give you. The plot synopsis from the Wikipedia? All right, but we're going to have to start writing all these down.

We've got a lot to watch. Is it Tanya or Tanya? T-A-N-Y-A. Is it Tanya or Tanya? Tanya.

I would say Tanya because you'd have an O if it was Tanya, but I think they get fancy and pronounce it whatever way they want. She's a female model who lives with her boyfriend Lobo. a surrealistic painter who is extremely violent. Subjected to Lobo's constant abuse, Tanya dreams of escaping to a desert island, and her dream comes true. The only other person on her island is an enormous blue-eyed man-ape, played by Don McLeod and voiced by Donnie Burns, who emerged from one of Lobo's paintings. Tanya befriends the beast and nicknames him Blue.

Soon she begins to feel a strange attraction to the creature. which makes Lobo increasingly jealous in the real world. He becomes determined to capture the man-ape and put it. In a cage. So, we're definitely watching this is what you're saying. I have no idea what level of weird we're going for.

I don't know, that sounds pretty weird. And that's coming from just watching this movie. That's pretty bad. If this has crossed the line into too weird after this movie. Alright, I think I'm done now.

That's what I'm saying. I think we've said all we have to say on this one. Do you have any other comments on your. Your most favoritest movie. Your successful choice in film.

I kind of wish I had the movie poster for it. I don't know. You haven't seen some of the posters. Yeah, there's the one sheet and then there's the VHS. They doctored it up pretty differently on the old VHS covers.

Is there no good posters of it? And then there's that artwork that was on. What was that bullshit that was on the screen? I don't know. I don't know where they got that doctored nonsense.

What the fuck is this shit? Yeah, I don't like that artwork. That artwork's not cool. That doesn't do justice to the movie. You look like Gene Simmons.

Are you sure that didn't come out of India? Is it painted on a banner? Is it painted on a wall somewhere? He's unofficial. He's unlicensed.

He's afraid, and he's under 18. Well, that makes it even more creepy, Vanity. Okay. Yikes. I guess it was in pre-production.

This was like the early on concept art. Before they could get anybody's face. They were just like, don't use anybody. We can't pay for likeness rights if you get the wrong person. Just paint something.

Just generic them up. You want this one. It's like Charlie Brown. That one's cool. What does that say?

I can't even read it. It's in a different language. Oh, okay. That's why. No wonder.

I just thought I forgot how to read. Oh, it was really far off. Oh, okay. Is it? Is it Russian?

I can't see it. I don't have my glasses on. I don't know. If you had your glasses on, could you read in a different language? You don't know.

They were really good glasses. Special glasses. Spy glasses. Spy glasses that that weird Q guy made. Yeah.

Never too young to die. Yeah, I like that one. That was a cool one. That's the one I remember. That was the VHS cover that I saw a million times and somehow didn't end up picking it up to watch this.

Because, look, the glowing. Yeah. There's the laser disc. See, I was right, though. The laser disc doesn't look as cool as the other one does.

I was right, though. It's all John Stamos and Vanity. They totally hide the Gene Simmons part. Except for on this one. That one doesn't look as good, either, because Gene Simmons just looks like a bad crow.

I like that the production company that put it out was Lance Entertainment, and I wonder if that had anything to do with, like. I'll produce your movie, but you gotta name him Lance. A really cool name, like Lance. Okay, weirdo, whatever. Just give us lots of money.

Otherwise, that about does it. We will return next time, probably with another disturbing movie. Hell yeah, we will. Yay. Same Geek Feed.

Thanks for listening. Bye. Bye. I was made for loving you, baby You were made for loving me I can't get enough for you, baby Can you get enough for me? Tonight I wanna see it in your eyes.

Feel the magic. There's something that drives me wild Tonight. We're going to make it all come true. Cause you were made for me. I was made for you.

I was made for loving you, baby. You were made. For loving me. I was made for loving you, baby. You were made for loving me.

I mean. Yeah, I don't know. That's hot. Some wild ape man loving apparently goes on. Super hot.

What do you mean bestiality is illegal? It's a movie. It's fake bestiality. I was just thinking about somebody I knew one time that was thoroughly shocked that bestiality was illegal. I think I remember this story.

I think I've tried to put it out of my head. What do you mean bestiality is illegal? He's like feeling her up with his big mayonnaise pans. Well, yeah. I mean, it's vanity.

That's what you do. As long as she's into it, it's cool. Where her wildest fantasies turn to terror. This episode is a production of Movie Meltdown, produced and edited by The Oddity Studios, with opening music performed by The Empires. For more on how to sponsor or support the show, email producer at moviemeltdown.com.

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