12: End of a Gun

Oh there. I'm Chris Dash and I'm Trevor Grumble, and we're the host of On Seagal, a podcast where we talk about only Stephen Seagal movies all the time. Not all the time, but once a month. So if you're here on this episode, you're going to be listening to us talk about a little film that you probably have never heard of until today. Came out in twenty sixteen, along with one, two, three other Stephen Seagal films, which is, as you will come to find out if you listen to our show, not as surprising as it may sound, that Stephen Seagal releases multi ful films a year, giving how much he's in them.

And actually, I'm gonna walk that comment back. Steven Segal has one, two, three, four, five, six seven movies that came out in twenty sixteen. This is one of them. That movie is End of a Gun. Yep ye.

In my life, nothing ever happens for the reasons you might think, what one come back? That's trouble right there. Trouble always comes in a small black dress. Always long night. Huh, sorry about your boyfriend?

Tennant said she used to be a call back in the States money, had a lot of money stashed away. Could you get it for me? What are you talking about? They're bad people. Technically it's not stealing, it's kind of stealing.

I can make this happen. You don't have a plan, dear. Yeah, my planet is. They're gonna get the money. Get down.

We're rich. Yeah, get my money one way or another, Yes, sir, I'm looking for a man and a woman. He looks like a cup she looks like a stripper. I want the money, all right now, Please help me. They're going to kill me.

I've got your back. You can kill should Yeah, I could. They have walked away with the money. I'm not all about I'm all about the honor. You've got the balls.

Thank you for noticing that. So that film is directed by Keoni Waxman, who, yes, we have talked about on this show before twice, I believe. Yeah. I'm probably will be talking about him more, that's for sure. Oh yeah we will.

And it stars one and only mister Steven Seagal playing again a one named character of Decker. And what is Decker up to? Well, he's a he's a federal agent and he's a hanging out with this woman I honestly had no idea what was going on in this movie? Did you? I was, Okay, here's what I understaid.

There were things happening, And the dude from Cartels was in this movie essentially playing the same character from Cartels, that actor being Florin Persick Junior, who I guess is we should just refer to him as that that one very eastern European actor, evil guy. Yeah, and like, well his and he's playing the most generic of generic villains, man, I mean, he was playing the most generic of generic villains and Cartels. I think his character in that movie was called l tiburon the Shark. Well, I think it's more of the screenwriter's fault than his fault because they wrote him just like buy the book, checklist, fucking drug cartel villain. Um.

So anyway, yeah, Stephen still plays a special agent. Um. First of all, the credits start off like the seventies cop show, right, it's strange, it's very weird. He's the whole movie is tonally very weird. The music that they use seventies mid mid aughts action movie that was on a red box, Like it's a red box movie.

So just take that into account. If you see the cover of the movie, you know what kind of movie you're getting into, and it opens with the least generic of generic music, it makes no sense. He's like driving around, Uh, I believe it's France, sure, but it looks like Romania. Well, anyway, he's Romania where they shot the movie. He gets a phone call.

He gets a phone call from those one deca dec I've been trying to reach you. I think they're trying to make him like he's this like attractive sex symbol, like wanted, like all the women want him and shit like that. Anyway, he's uh, he's in the city. He sees his woman getting like slapped around by her boyfriend. Um, and of course what does the boyfriend do when interjects he tries to fight him.

How many hits did he get on sigall zero? Because I think shoots him in there, fucking kills him. Kills this guy in like broad daylight in the middle of Paris, and uh. In something that really kind of shocked me that they, you know, did they actually had an investigator on that he was actually still there when the cop came. Usually when he kills the guy in a film, they just drives away and nothing said of it.

This time he actually has to, you know, a tone for his actions or whatever. So they're like, you know, we you know, you need to come down to the United to give your statement. You have to sign this saying blah blah blah blah. And uh so he's I'm not going to sign that. Oh boy, this is we're in full whisper modes.

Agal in this mode. Now we're in whisper and he he goes in and out of this like urban accent. I don't know, man, what you're talking like. He's talking. Man, He's like, he's like, I don't know what you I don't know what you're talking about, man, Like it's New Orleans street urban like it is what a robot thinks people of the streets talk like.

He's like, it's almost it's almost talking about man like, I don't know what you're talking. But it's offensive. It is what it is. It's borderline. Yeah, it's borderline offense.

Yeah, I know. He goes in and out of it though what he's going for war and yeah that's not great. But he goes in and out of the accent through the whole film. Yeah, but he's not doing the accent. He's whispered talking, which is not intimidating.

Like, what's weird is again Segal is an intimidating guy. He's a I'm not saying like he's a big guys. He's like a fat guy, which is you know, obvious the joke everybody uses. But he's a big dude. Like, he's still an intimidating guy.

I don't understand why way he carries himself. Yeah, here in it except he's whispering. It's come on, it's he's been he has been doing it this this whole time. But when he when he really dials it up, it's it's insufferable. It really really well.

So after he speaks the cops, he meets up with the He talks to the girl. The girl tells him that, um, well, the car has been impounded since it's evidence. Basically, the girl tells him, I need to get that car back. There is two million in cash hidden in the trunk. If you help me get the car, I will give you ten percent.

And she the way she convinces him pussy yeah, She's like, I'll suck, he'll dick real good. And he's like, I don't know, and it's like and there's a thankfully very short love scene. Yeah. Boy, that's part of my contract, dude, I gotta share the screen with Steven Seagal's naked body. Oh man, And thankfully both are leather daddy like.

They don't much in the color of his skin is leather like. Thankfully, they don't show much. It's like a brief thing and then it's over and it's it's something. It just sounds to me like this was a Seagal like I have to have I gotta have a love scene with this woman to show how much of a so much of a man I am, how desirable that I am. He's very desirable.

Keoni Waxman said that this is a very different Steven Seagal movie than Killing Salazar, which was Cartel's the movie that we want that we have watched and it's um. He said that Stephen and Suits being chased cool French bad guys like an Elmore Elmore Leonard story. Jade You and are a great crime film couple on a double crossing heist. Oh my god, Floren Piersick Junior from killing Salagar Salagar Salazar chasing after them simple and cool story this time around. You know what a give Keone Waxman credit.

He attempts to hype up his own movies. Is he successful? No, the moment you start the movie, you'll find the answer out because I mean, go ahead, go ahead, I will say this isn't This didn't anger me. It's not like offensively bad. It was just kind of mediocre.

It just was like boiler It's like everything I could tell, every twist or everything that was going to happen. It's like so predictable twist quote unquote. Um, so let's talk about the villain. Oh, let's Floren Piersick Junior. Is this the only way the man gets work is to work with Keoni Waxman because he's he's just kind of He's not a very threatening villain to me.

You know what's insane? He shot this movie after he shot Cartels, but this movie came out before that movie. Do they just shoot these all in like one afternoon, just like we've got a hotel in Romania? All right, we'll do that movie there. We've got what are you doing Saturday?

Yeah? The streets of Romania? All right, we'll do the pickups of Stephen out in the world, his body double will be the rest because oh yeah, by the way, once again, Steven Seagal body double through half of the movie. The other half of the movie he's fucking sitting down in a car. So as we've gone further backwards, we have noticed that this is becoming more apparent but lessened because the newer movies have it really badly.

But we're getting to the point in these movies where Seagal is starting to sit down more often than not, and it's just it's so lazy. I mean, he doesn't he only has what one two fight scenes in the whole film quote unquote if you want to fight scenes again, it's it's weird. You know. Red Letter Media did a video about the fake Bruce Willis movies, like the Bruce Willis movie Farm. Are you talking about the Yeah, the straight to video shit he's been doing.

Yeah, I would contend they should have covered Steven Seagal because he was doing it before. Bruce Willis was absolutely long before, and he was making these quote unquote like fake movies with Keanni Waxman and all these other Eastern European directors years before Bruce Willis was doing it, and Seagal gives less of a shit of a performance than Bruce Willis does. Yeah, I mean Seagal in these movies isn't even in them to most of the time. Razzies should have had a Seagal category before they gave Bruce Willis a category? Did they give him a category?

Bruce Willis, Yeah, you didn't hear about this. No, this year's Razzies, there's a whole category of just Bruce Willis Films nominated Worst Bruce Willis Straight to video film. Who like, first off, the rats? Who gives a shit? An?

They're fucking joke dude, right right? The Internet exists, and I'm not the Razzies are in. The Razzies are irrelevant. The Internet exists. And I don't mean joke as in, haha, funny joke.

I mean like, this is fucking pathetic joke, right, It's it's irrelevant. It's not it's like cinema sins, like there was a time and a place for that kind of film. Not criticism, but I don't know what you would consider it, nobody, It's it's passe now. It's irrelevant, man, It's fucking irrelevant. Yeah, the Razzies are irrelevant at this point, but I would contend Seagal has been doing this before.

I mean, he if if Red Letter Media is talking about Bruce Willis doing it more recently, Stephen Seagal created the model through which you could do this for over two decades. He's been doing this, right, I mean, he's been doing this for a long time. He's been making these directive video movies with some dude in Eastern War whatever. What was that Bane quote something? Yeah, I mean he was you know, The Patriot is the first Seagal directive video movie, and that's like nineteen ninety nine, yeah, nineteen Yeah, I believe I remember seeing it, Like I think we brought this up when we did The Understiege with Verne that I remember seeing it in the video store on VHS of all things.

Like he was doing shit in the VHS era. Yeah, that's my point. And so like for them to be like, oh, I'm so surprised Bruce Willis is doing it, like it's more surprising that it's Bruce Willis. But similarly to Seagal, he was a nineties action star who has fallen. His stock has fallen so hard.

I mean, Seagal has fallen pretty hard. But I would contend Steven Seagal can give a good performance too, with the right script and the right director. Well, I mean under Siege, in under Siege, and I mean, yeah, art is he amazing in those movies? And we keep bringing it up. I keep bringing it up.

He just needs to have a sense of humor about himself. Well, yeah, but that's good luck. He needs to be able to laugh. Well yeah, but he's the same guy that wasn't in the Expendables. He is the guy who said no to the Expendables.

Of all thought, I thought salone said no to him. No. Seagal was like, well, if they ask me, I don't, I don't. I don't work with funny people. It's like, okay, yeah, but he does the Onion movie.

What the fuck? Look, Steven Seagal videosyncratic guy. Clearly, this weird guy. Guy like he knows what he likes and what he doesn't like. Well, look at Machete.

Look at Machete. That was a fucking I could argue that was kind of a satire. Yeah, but because Machete was kind of played, I don't fucking know. That's he probably thought cock Puncher was a real film. I mean when you look at something like this, which is again essentially a made for TV movie, I mean, he's could have shown on you know those movies that show on Sci Fi.

This is the equivalent of that for actual not the mentioned I don't remember. I don't remember many like profanities in the film. What profanities? This movie's rated PG Essentially does this movie even have a rating? I don't remember it.

I don't care. You have to have a rating if it's released on if it's released on streaming, and that's a good point, that's a good half. No, it doesn't. He could do whatever. This is the kind of movie that ends up on Pluto TV or two BTV.

Like what's sad about this movie is there is so little going on in this movie that it has run into other movies that we have talked about in plot, like the fact that this movie has Florian piercing Junior in it as the villain, just like Cartels did. Like I'm not even sure if you played Cartels an End of End of a Gun together in the same day, if you played them for me and asked me tell me which movie this was in, I'm much to be able to tell you, let's let's be let's be let's let's let's be transparent here. When we were setting up for this podcast, we didn't know what golf film we were supposed to be doing because we mixed them up. All of these movies do I mean, essentially you're saying the same thing I did, which is all of these movies run together.

They basically this movie and Cartels His characters of these films character, Yeah, they're indistinguishable from each playing himself, he's played He played himself in China Salesman. He himself in this movie, he played himself in Cartel's. He's playing this guy who just can't be bothered to give a shit? Is what unless unless you tell me what his character is, I will just assume it's the same fucking character from every other film he's done. A former something that was really good at martial arts, like former gangster, former FBI agent, former DA agent.

I mean shit, even in under Siege, he's you know, ex Navy seals or whatever, but he's a cook now, like but it understeges you. Look, he was having fun with the role. I mean, here's the thing. If you're getting paid most of the film's budget to sit and do nothing. Yeah, you really have to enjoy yourself.

Well, here's the thing. He needs a good villain to play off of, and I think you're just giving him more credit than he deserves. I think Steven Seagal may genuinely just be doing this for the money. Well duh like that, But that's it. Like, I don't even know if he cares about the artistic integrity of the pieces or anymore what he's trying to bring to the role.

He knows that I don't know. He knows that he can put in like less than five percent of a ship and still get his money and they're still consider it good enough because that's just how it works. And he's the bottom. He's the bottom of this curve of people. He I mean, Bruce Willis is somewhere near the top, but like Steven Sagal is near the bottom of these people.

Like I mean, I'm not saying Stallone and swork Finger are the best actors, but you know, wreck to DVD movies, Yeah, but they actually give a performance. Did you see that Schwartzendager movie with Jackie Chan where he's in it for like five minutes? What are you talking about around the World in the eighty days. No, the Man in the Iron Mask that came out like two years ago. No, I didn't, Right, Yeah, there's my point, like, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure actors we like aren't above it. It's just this is just so. Yeah. But no, what I'm saying is that Swartznaker actually gives a little effort, and so the stallone it was a terminator dark faith though. Okay, now you just punch low, dude, punch low, but I'm also punching true, dude.

I saw that fucking thing in the theater and I was pissed when they shot John Connor. Look, Steven Seagal is as perfected the art of making redbox movies, and there must be people watching them because there are people continuing to make them. They won't make them unless you rent them, unless you if you be wandering money. Well, let's not start a conspiracy theory here. I mean, hey, look, when you when you get to the point with these movies where you cannot tell them apart, there is a problem.

And the only thing that I can remember it from Cartel's that sets it apart from end of a Gun, is it has George Saint Pierre, but still Florian Piersick Junior as the villain. When you watch a film, usually you get a different vibe from the film, a different feeling from the film. When I watch these films, I feel the same fucking thing. I get the same fucking vibe. They're the same movie in a lot of ways, Like they look the same.

They're probably shot in the same city in Romania, like and look, it's it's it's one thing to try to fool the audience once, but trying to fool us over and over again. That these movies are taking place in an Eastern European city that's not in like far eastern Europe. This doesn't look like France. I mean, does it even matter to talk about what the film is about? Well, it's the thing, like, what is the movie about.

It's about get another character trying to get money and the other people that are after him, right, and it's there's nothing to it. Like Cartel's Cartels had more of a plot. It was kind of a ripoff of smokeing Aces, right, yeah, right, it was either they're in the hotel and they're protecting this guy. This movie is just they're coming after Segal because Seagal's going after money. Okay, like that's that's that's the entire plot.

And then he gets double crossed in the last five minutes and that's where they're like, oh, by the way, that's why this movie is what it's called, because like a Steven Seagal narration at the end that's like, but if if life is about the people that you love and the loved ones and the and if you're if you don't remember that people matter, than you're gonna find your living and good dude, And the narration was so inconsistent. They're trying to Okay, one of the most guy one of the funniest slides in the film, one of his first narrations is, you know, trouble always comes to me with great legs and a black dress. I'm like, what do you what do you think you're fucking noir? You? Yeah, what do you?

What do you think you're a Mickey Spillane character? Yes you, yes, he does. What's wild? You know what's actually wild to me about all of this stuff? The people that write these movies don't even understand how to make these movies fun Like this, This movie could be terrible, right, But yeah, but at least could be fun.

It's not even like this is just a genuinely kind of boring movie. Yeah it's not. It's not offensively bad. No, it's just kind of I at least have something to talk about. But this movie is just fucking mediocre.

It's honestly. What's surprising to me is it what it feels like more than anything else. It feels like a bunch of other pieces of other movies that they just kind of jammed into this. Are you thought like a Godfrey ho film. Well, it's like, oh, we've got a little Florian Pierscue.

Florian Pierscue is here where we're using him for cartels. You want to be in this movie, and we'll just kind of make this movie out of the parts of the other movie. Like, I don't know it tell me that this movie and End of Gun weren't shot at the same time, and I'll be I can't, right. It feels like they were like, all right, we're done for the day on cartels, or we're doing a week where it's End of Gun and Cartels every other day, Like, tell me that wasn't happening. Yeah, yeah, it's it's and that movie is better.

Cartels is a much better movie. And it's still not great ultimately, No, but at least it's entertaining. At least I got some entertainment out of it. At this point, I was just like, Yeah, they're plain this is so by the book Man. Yeah, it's shockingly boy, there's nothing new, there's nothing, there's nothing prising about it.

We know she's gonna fucking double cross him in the end, right, we know she's like, we're gonna work with the villain to get to him. We know that she's gonna fucking get it in the end, and he's gonna go off with them. I you do a different place, YEA, Like what was it? Key West? He wanted to go right when they showed him in qy West, he went to Key West.

And then they showed a shot of him like driving his car with like the most stock looking fucking palm trees in the background, and he's like in this little car and there's like palm trees, and I was like, Oh, this is Key West. Huh. I'm surprised it wasn't the sign that he drove by that said welcome to key Welcome to Key West. Helly what The most interesting person of the film was the guy he was working with that got him to the tickets to Key West. Oh, I thought he was at least somewhat interesting.

We got that actor's got a great name, Ovividu Nicolescu. That's a that's a sexy name right there. He worked in a lot of well he's worked on some Steven Seagal movies and a lot of other films with Eastern European names, which I will not attempt to pronounce. But you know his name is um Ov do you no? No, Nuki Lescu.

I can assume you would probably guess where he's from. About Alexander and Wynn who's playing the character Peewee and oh guy with the cowboy hat wearing a cowboy hat, which for no other purpose then to think it's quirky to have a character wearing a cowboy hat, that's it, Like, what the fuck? Yeah, it's really it's really weird. It reminds me of that scene in UHF where um, one of the guys that works at the station that RJ RJ owns is wearing a cowboy hat with like a raccoon tail at the back, and um RJ tells him take that ridiculous thing off, and he just takes off his mustache anyway. Um, and he also asks this, there's this um in the film.

There's this spear throwing, knife throwing guy who always is holding this the I knew Steven Saga was gonna I was like, I hope he doesn't say something stupid like, yeah, they were falls deep in your girlfriend last night, right, But he pretty much did. But he pretty much does. I'm like, he's not gonna say it, is he And he says something to that effect, of course. But I would expect to all this day when he says you got you got big balls, I expect him to say, yeah, they were deep in your girlfriend last night. I was expecting to just cool, I've got balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls balls.

Wouldn't he make just the most fucking boring Duke nukeamb Is any kind of Duke Nukeam esque in the person that he is, Yeah, but he's not his Duke nukemb without the charisma. Yeah, Basically he's like, you don't see these stumps he always holds when he's just walking and not pointing at somebody, he always holds a gun the same way, like this. Oh he always holds himself like that and everything his hands in front of him, yeah, and the guns like hidden. But I think I think he thinks he's he's holding himself very stoically like yeah, oh yeah cool. But it doesn't.

He thinks he looks so fucking cool. He doesn't. He looks like an idiot, but he thinks he looks cool. He thinks he looks really cool, which is why he talks really low, which is why he holds his hand that way, and which is why this movie is in the Walmart dollar bin. Because that I can't even I can't even say that I hate this movie because it's not really there's not really anything to hate.

What is there to hate? It's it's such a not it is movie. It is by the books, by paint by numbers, mediocre, what you expect from a directive video. Shit. It is nothing like like um he Keoni was expecting, like Elmore Leonard for fuck's sake.

That you know what strikes me up. That's like that Tommy Wise Oh quote where it's like with the power of Tennessee Williams like uh raw dude, and it's like I'm like Elmore Leonard dude, get shorty. This is not yeah any like this is this is get shitty is what this is? Oh, there's a oh, now you're talking about like Roger Ebert quotes, now you're now, you're you're Yeah, I gotta give one. I mean, come on, all right, these these movies are so unfun that this is not even fun.

Like this movie is, yeah, goddamn boring. And here's my Joel Siegel esque review of the film End of a Gun. You'd have to put me at the end of a gun and take me. Don't watch this again. I mean, it's it's it's just this movie is the first movie I can say without a doubt that like, even even though I had my issue with China salesman, which you did, which is the fact, oh my god, three hours long, at least he gave a shit to talk about.

Yeah, like this one's giving us nothing. Yeah, this movie is really this this movie. You can skip this movie. This movie does not deserve to exist. And the fact that it's it's bad surprising.

It's just it's just boring. It's just it's just what didn't they say in cartels that they made this? Like, what didn't they say in cartels that they needed to say in this movie, because it feels like this movie in cartels exist at the same time, but one of them doesn't need to eat. This is like one. It sounds like, uh, we're scheduled for were for someone so much days is shooting?

Oh we finished early? Do you guys just want to make another one? That's what it feels like. Like. It's such an it that at times there doesn't even feel like there is a script.

It feels like the screaminger has just pounded this out within a day or so. Yeah, this is so fucking just or just I've seen brobble together disparate parts of other scripts. This is stitchwork, man, This is pure stitch work. It's not good of better films, of more original films, and it's not even trying. And those those that you know what, in a way that's kind of the worst kind of film is that it doesn't even try.

Yeah, no, it's it's it. Does you have all of this money to film a movie, you have Steven Seagal, and this is the best that you can do, and you rest on your laurels thinking that this is good or that this is enough. It's not and it's unfortunate because just because it's and this is the thing, just because it's direct to video or direct to streaming doesn't mean it needs to be bad. We've seen plenty of direct to streaming stuff now, which is the equivalent of direct to video in this day and age, that are that are getting nominal Oscars. There, you're nominated for Oscars and winning and all kinds of stuff, and you're gonna tell me that you can't be bothered to make something entertaining with Stevenson.

This is what I will say about the pandemic. It's changed the game. It's changed the game. Streaming changed the game. Though.

Yeah, but the stuff like this seems irrelevant because why are you making stuff this bad when other people can make stuff much better with a lesser budget. Dude, there are films I made for Oscars this year that we're streaming. Yeah, no Best Picture Oscars. Uh huh, I know, I know, that's my point. Like, and then you have stuff like this where it's like, what, I guess there is somebody out there who wants and likes End of a Gun, But I can't believe anybody would sit down watch this movie and say, yeah, this was this was a good movie.

This is really bad, Like this is this, This is the movie were worried about watching. I think I can speak for both of us in that respect. Yeah, this is what I was worried about running into the We were worried about running into the film. That just is cliche to every fucking step and cliche to what people believe these kinds of movies are. When we say Segal doesn't try anymore, this is the fucking kind of movie we're talking about.

Yeah, like the fucking the stereotype, the case zero, And I think ke Keoni Waxman just kind of massages that in him, doesn't because he lets him do whatever he fucking wants. He's like, I have Segal, what am I going to do? Argue with him? You know, he lets him get away with it. And that's why I think, then you lose your golden goose and Keoni Watchman like Seagal's the only reason I'm getting a movie made.

That That is the reality here is these movies don't get made without someone like Seagal or Bruce Willis or whoever whoever they are in the time that they're making movies like these. The people that are the soul star of the movie is the only reason these movies are getting made. So in nineties it was Armanda Sante and Jeff you know, Jeff fah Yeah, and now it's Seagal and Bruce Willis. But look there, movies like this have been made forever. They were being made in the seventies and eighties and nineties.

But when the thing with the making big movies beforehand making stuff like this, it's unfortunate. I mean even Nick Cage has made stuff like this. I mean, nobody's above it. But the thing with the Sante and Fahy is that some of their stuff is actually really good. They actually tried.

We have because there's a great actors. We haven't watched all these things. Um Well, with Nick Cage is like he kind of goes back and forth from streaming too, too theatrical, does whatever the fuck he wants, and I kind of I kind of respect him for that because I kind of like that about him. And I mean, he's got this new film coming out with with um what's his name from the Mandalorian Pedro Pascal, Padre Pascal. He's got a film out coming out with Padre Pascal where he's playing himself.

Great, No, dude, it actually actually looks really funny. Look I've come around on Nick Cage, But Nick Cage does I mean did movies, has done movies just like the Stuffs to Goals. I mean that left Behind movie. Did you watch that? Yeah, it's real bad.

I watched parts. Wait, maybe I did see the whole thing in parts and just don't remember. It's real bad. It's well, it's bad the same way this movie's bad. Like it's that same kind of like who is making this?

Where's the money coming from? At least the Kirk camera one had effort into it? Yeah, say with you? Well, like who is making these movies and who is watching them? Like a sting?

Are these stalk about this or I talk about this? Or left Behind? I'm talking about these kinds of movies. Oh yeah, well, I mean left Behind basically, Um, Christian films make money. Sure, Unfortunately this one didn't.

Left Behind was was kind of a failure at the box office. Do you think these movies make money? Does he even sa gollfilms? Yeah, there's got to be someone watching them, because they keep making them. I would agree in lions Gate keeps fucking releasing them.

Lions Gate doesn't seem to have a to seem to have a gauge of good or back because they seem to release anything. They kind of do. They can release a really weird animate like really weird CGI stuff, and then they can release they can release some of the best horror films or whatever in that then they can release the biggest pieces of ship. Lions Gate is such a juggling, such a like a cup game. Yeah, you like for that poly Shore Pinocchio movie, that's poly Shore it's not the Gammo del Toro one.

It's like a CGI Pinocchio. Oh no, no, no, I didn't see that one. I saw the Gamo teaser. Yeah, there's a trailer for a Pinocchio movie that's being released by lions Gate, and poly Shore is Pinocchio. And I'm just thinking to myself, like, who wants this?

Who lions Gate? Who who has been asking for this? They just produce anything, They release anything. I guess, holy shit, it exists. Pinocchio a true story, Yep, lions Gate's wild man.

They will they will just release whatever. I okay, I got Nune against poly Shore. I like poly Shore. I. I I even like some of his movies.

I love Encino man, I like son in Law. I mean in the Army. Now wasn't bad? Oh? Fuck off?

Okay, I'm looking at the cast. I said, I love Encino man. That's easy to defend. All right, all right, let's look at this cast, this cast for Pinocchio. There's only four people listed so far.

Poor John Heater. Not poor John Heater. He's a working actor, Tom Kenny, Squirt, SpongeBob himself, working actor, working Dmitri dimitri Ozivov as Mojo Fuco as as mother Mojo. No, it says Mojo Mojo Faco. Whatever.

What are you saying? What do you think of John Heater? Actually? What do I this is the Segal Podcast. What do you think of John Heater?

I mean, well, what do we have to say about the film anymore? He was in one or two good movies. He's made a career. As obnoxious as it is, is still a good movie. Yeah.

I left my ass off when I first saw a Polaine Dynamites and then the fucking well, the problem is is that the impression started coming. That's like but that's like Austin Powers, that's like more at that's like anything else. That's popular. Well, when everything else gets over merchandise to shit. Yeah, I know that's what happened with a Christmas Story.

Man. For years, it was just kind of this tiny, you know, cult Christmas film that some people loved. Then TBS started fucking showing it twenty four hours a day and all these stores got started merchandising the shit out of it, merchandising juggernaut. That is a Christmas Story. It is.

It is a juggernaut. And now they're making another sequel to it? What an actual sequel with Peter Billingsley, Not not a sequel, not the sequel they've already made. You've heard about this, right, what? There is another sequel?

Right? There was, Yeah, you heard about it, but there wasn't a digital movie called The Christmas Story too, right. It came out, you know I'm talking about. But you've heard about this upcoming sequel. Yeah, I don't know who the fuck asked for this ship.

Um well, it's like it takes place in the seventies something. Ralphie takes his kids to his old home to try to have an old fashioned Christmas like you have when he was a child. Gavin is dead, poor guy. I love Gavin is dead. WI getting a sequel to that movie when Darren McGavin is dead but Belinda Gavin is still alive.

So there you go. But Darren McGavin the ostensibly the second main character that I just get, just do just like Lost Skull Christmas, No, no, no, drub him somewhere on a winter just get just get Stuart Townsend to play his dad like he did play Cold Check The night Stalker. Wow, that fucking show. Talk about essentially sinking any of any chance that Colscheck ever has being rebooted. You get one chance, and you fuck it up, and you fucked it up real bad.

I'm about to piss you off, really bad right now. Why. I was at a video store and they had a previously viewed copy of the complete series of the rebooted cole Check The Night Stalker for like this low price, and I fucking thought it. It's not terrible. It's really I haven't watched it.

It's not that bad. It's not like some sort of like most cinematic abortion, it's just it's it's an inferior remake of a show that went on to literally inspire some of the greatest television shows of all time. And gave one of the greatest TV writers his start. David Chase was a fucking screenwriter on Coalshack and he was I think in the he was either ran the writer's room or was one of the heads of the writer's room, and he went on to create the greatest show of all time. What is this saying about the Steven Seagal film that we're already talking about other shit?

Because the film, to tell you, this movie is really bad. It's got nothing, man, it's got nothing. It gives us nothing. That's what's another that's another sad thing. It gives us nothing.

Well, that's my point. It's like not even fun to talk about because it's just not a fun movie. It's just no it's not a fun movie. It's it's just fucking boring. It's white noise.

You would be better off watching literally anything else. This is the first time I have watched a movie where by the end of it, I went, I've seen this before. You are better off like this again, Like I've already said, this movie practically doesn't exist, given that there's another movie with the fucking villain played by the same guy that's better than this one. And it came out after this one, like that movie came out after this one, but was shot before this one. Because they mentioned in the press for this movie that Florian Pierscu Junior was Piercing Junior was in that movie, and yet they made this movie.

They made this movie and that movie was already made. What that's insanity? Think about that they made this movie after having made cartels. You can, you can, at least with the other films we watched, there was something that we were like, there's nothing we could say, like, what the hell was that? Yeah, that's there's nothing fun here.

There's nothing clown on the only thing. The only thing you can clown on is Steven Seagal's narration, which we've already clowned on. And Jade Ewan's getting shot at the end of the movie is so cgi shit. Oh I we need to talk Okay, I want to talk about that. I need to talk about that because the sound she makes when they shoot her in the head.

Oh, I know, it's so whacked. This movie is ending, you think like, oh my God, like, oh, he's gonna get his There was a part where I actually laughed. There was a part in the film where I actually laughed. It was a scene where he's he's going against the guards at the impound lot to get the car, and he just fucking throws one off what legs? You see him fall?

Yeah? Yeah, he gets up, He gets up. The guy's fine. Stephen Sagal doesn't kill people in these movies anymore, don't you remember? Oh god, that was a thing for a while because he's a man of peace, remember, until he gets to Steven Seagal.

What's it called Stephen Seagal law man? Right? Yeah, this, Um, you know, I'm gonna ask you ponytail, yes or ponytail not driver, But I think our answer is the same here. This is a minus ponytail. Now the real bad movie, dude, this is actually again, it's not even bad.

It's just like, I don't understand. It's a point of existing a movie that's just it is fucking blah. Yep, it's you know. I used to think that Keyoni Waxman had potential because the first one we watched of his was actually pretty decent as a sicklfin was actually not bad. Actually there was some entertaining shit in it.

I thought, Okay, maybe that's later Keyoni Waxman, he's technically gotten better. Yeah, well, I mean he needs to typically he's gotten better. Thank god. I really want to see a great Steven segall film. Well, you gotta watch those original ones, which is why we didn't do the show with us just starting with the original movies, because it would be just us talking about how bad these movies are.

Because I get the feeling we're not going to be I get the distinct feeling there are going to be more of these kinds of movies. But to be honest with you, some of them. We've given positive views to some of his later films. Yeah, Attrition was pretty good. The only one that we really got pissed about was China Salesman.

What the fuck was up with the head guy? Where you never see his face and the in the in the voices obviously eighty yard. That's never that's never resolved. You don't know who the fuck he is? Huh?

Are you talk about Vargas? Yeah, where you never see his face and the voice is clearly eighty yard and you and it's like, okay, oh, this is this a mystery with his face, it's gonna be it's gonna be like a twist. No, the when he just ends. They don't even mention Vargas again. I'm like, we still have Vargas, could still come after him, but I don't care.

I love it. It's just it's so lazy. Even Doctor Clawe had resolution. So with both of us, Ponytail No. On the next episode of Onsagle, we're gonna be talking about nineteen ninety seven's final Steven Seagal theatrical release of his initial theatrical kind of career Fire down Below, where he plays an EPA agent in rural America, and there's a lot of there's a lot of country Western singers in that movie, including the villain played Chris Chris Stofferson.

It's a weird movie. It's a good movie though, and it's got Harry Dean Stanton in it. Here are your stant It's always awesome. Yeah. So yeah, So that's what we'll be talking about on the next episode.

Until then, Where can people find you, Trevor? You can find me on Twitter at bad Vertigo and Instagram at the same You can also find me from time to time on the Culture Cast with michaelst Chris Stash you here um and again also from time time you can find me on the Projection booth with Mike Waits. So yeah, that's about all you can find me now. So Chris, where can people find you? Find me at c stashu dot com, cstac hiw dot com.

That's my link tree for all the stuff that I work on. So culture Cast Scary Stories, we tell all that good stuff is there. As for this show, find us on Seagal and on Twitter and Facebook, but we don't really post there. We just post a show because that's what we like doing, is talking about the movies, not updating social media. But you know, if there was new Steven Seagal social media stuff, we might share it.

But also like, there's no new news other than semi embarrassing stuff that we would probably rather not talk about. So yeah, so on that note, yeah, make sure to check out the next episode.