113.1: Oscar Meltdown 3D

I don't like that. They are kind of creepy. I think it's the black eyes. I didn't want to talk about it. That's my favorite.

Stop talking about the pigs. They look like pig ass on me. I just don't dig on swine. That's all. Falling Program is a proud member of the Pallava family of podcasts.

Check out all the shows over at palava.com. That's P-A-L-A-V-A dot com. The following feature has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. It is intended for mature audiences and parental discretion is advised. Our nuclear reactor pumping.

Out one million kilowatts of power. To provide more cooling. In the containment chambers. To your stations, we have a rebound signal. Do you squeal?

I've been squealing like a pig. Oh, which wheel? Wheel now. Wheel. Whee!

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Whee! Whee! Everyone please sit tight. Everyone will win the right to hold a trophy. To the balconies.

On high while the cameras roll and thank the world. What's up and welcome to Moving Up Down. I am Brian. I'm Misty. I'm Jay.

I'm Greg. I'm Marlena. Wow, we're out of order. It took me a minute to give you the cue, because I was like, I was like, there's somebody over here, but there's nobody over here on this side of the. Table at all.

It's Roger. He's just wandering around. He's wandering out in the world right now. So we are coming to you live from Butchertown. Yay.

And I'm not making that up. This area, which I live in, and our home studio resides, is known as Butchertown. Butchertown. We are, what, less than a block or so away from where they're slaughtering pigs. Well, that's not smooth.

Yep. And it's our hors d'oeuvres. Anyway, so... I've. Already tasted the whatever it was in Marlena.

That's Marlena's. She made a different batch, too. Bacon caramel. Bacon caramel. It kind of looks like congealed bacon grease.

But it tastes mostly like caramel. I was enjoying it. I like it. The flavor's great. The consistency is.

I was not a. Fan of either. It all depends on you or your culinary abilities. It didn't turn out like I wanted. It didn't set up.

I don't think I cooked it long enough. I mean, I use a candy thermometer and all, but caramel is a tricky thing. It's a tricky, tricky bastard. It is. I tried to make anything that was too tricky.

I wanted to keep it simple. It was crunchy like the homemade Red Hots. That might be different than you just suck it on bacon chips. Now that might be gross too. So if you haven't figured it out so far it's Oscar Meltdown.

3 otherwise known as the Oscar Meyer Party where we load up with as much pork as humanly possible until we all throw up and watch the Oscars and make our snarky ass comments snarky comments from us? can you imagine? no I cannot so since we tried to explain it the last few times but again we had Oscar Meltdown the first year Of course, as any sequel, any number two should be referred. It was Oscar Meltdown 2, Electric Boogaloo. And if you're going to have a third in any film series, it needs to be Oscar Meltdown 3D. Except they fucked it up with the Final Destination series. Yeah, but they're retarded.

They're not right. As a series. And they didn't happen in the 80s. Like the fifth one? 3D?

It was fourth. Fourth, okay. Should have been 4D. You really should have. Girl, I should have used smell.

So, since it's... I should throw trees at you. Yeah, bro. Part with an animal. A ladder flies off the wall or something.

Since it is Oscar Meltdown 3D, hopefully, as we instructed you the past couple episodes, you've gone to your local gas station slash convenience store and Can they hear us in 3D? And you've asked them for your Movie Meltdown 3D glasses. Now, hopefully you demanded them and you jumped up and down and screamed until you were hauled away by the cops. But after you did all that, hopefully they handed you your Movie Meltdown 3D glasses. So it is now time.

There's a reason to do that. To go the fuck away. He's writing on crayon that works with like colored cellophane here just put this on your face he just. Takes his like you know $ 200 sunglasses just here take these just go that's them just put them on. It smells like something's burning.

Oh yeah we'll get to that so put your 3D glasses on now you at home go on it's time put them on or what does it say on the Freddy. Glasses wait the Freddy glasses say let's see Put these on only when Maggie does and experience the film's final battle in Freddy-vision. I like how you said bat-ill. All right. So, yeah, much like the Freddy's dead glasses we have here, you can put yours on right now and you can experience this as Maggie does.

I can't have the same experience because mine are retarded. It's because you've got Skid Row 3D glasses. I totally do. I broke out my Skid Row. 3D glasses from, I'm pretty sure it's the, I'll say, Can You Scream?

I believe it is. They're 3D. They don't look right. No, they're like missing a side. One side has no tint to it.

One side's clear and one side is like a grayish charcoal. I think Sebastian designed these. It's like he poked your eye out. Yeah. So when the pictures are posted, yes, I am in fact wearing 3D glasses.

They are just Skid Row 3D glasses. Skid Row. I went from Marlena to reply, what's Skid Row? I didn't realize Skid Row the band would have 3D glasses. I thought there was a movie called Skid Row that I had never heard of.

It's just you put those glasses on when they sing that number during Little Shop. You fully experience the destitute. Wow. Okay, so once again, put on your 3D glasses now, and we are now in 3D audio. It's like we're actually in your ears.

It's like we're actually here in three dimensions recording it. Oh, wait. So, aren't you glad you bought those glasses? So, remember, keep them on during the entire show. Otherwise, the whole show just falls apart.

Speaking of which, okay, it's time to go check the hors d'oeuvres. Oh, hors d'oeuvres. That's good. I was like, what the hell's going on? Wow, the alarm went off.

No wonder it was. You took your glasses off. That's what it was. I wonder it smelled like smoke. Aunt Brian is cooking.

We are in for trouble. You put some baking popcorn in the oven. Is that not how you do it? I'm going to have to call Cousin Willie. You stick the whole bag in the oven.

Screw Cousin Willie. Alright, so... They're not ready yet. So while we're going on here, we'll move into our geek activities. And at some point in the middle of this, we'll have our...

Is it bacon cookies? Yeah, they're bacon cookies. She has bacon cookies. Those are Marlena's entry into this. But there are...

I use chunky peanut butter, so I don't think you'll like them. Just don't, Pat. Too late. It's pretty obvious. You can fool her.

I cannot unhear what I've already heard. Uh-huh. You're not hearing it in 3D. What did you say they were? They're chunky peanut butter.

I mean, I'm not sure. They're bacon cookies. Bacon and peanut butter. What more can you ask for? They're really good.

I put peanut butter in my chili. My mom does that. Does she really? Good for her. She also puts okra in there.

Okra ah okra's evil she'll lie she'll tell you she didn't put it in there then you'll find it then she'll be like oh i don't know maybe it just fell. In there yeah mom it just happened to fall in there my entire family has made fun of me for my whole life for putting peanut. Butter a lot of people do that yeah that's pretty normal yeah that's ideal thank you. That's that's ideal that's pretty normal yeah yeah Speaking of weird things in your food, while we get started here, I heard from Randy today. And he said to send you guys a special.

Thank you just for showing up for the Oscar party because he's looking forward to hearing it. And he was concerned about what we were going to eat. I'm concerned about what we're going to eat. You should be. But, yeah, he was like, I hope to God there's no, like, pimento loaf or olive loaf or anything.

And I was like. That bumped it up on your list, right? Well, no, I was like, well, it's in your best interest that... I don't think any of us here will eat anything green, so, I mean. I will.

Pimento loaf has weird red and green. I love pimento loaf. You would. I like pimento loaf and pepper loaf and... Ham and cheese loaf.

Ham and cheese loaf. Ham and cheese loaf. It's just awesome. You just pop little pieces of cheese. out of them individually and leave little holes. Well, I told him.

Is this cheese loaf? No, it's just got little pieces of cheese infused in the mechanically separated and refused pork. I told him that Misty was more than likely thoroughly creeped out by both of those options, which, am I right? No. Yeah, see, I like olives.

That's what's in there. Yeah, see? Yeah, I don't like the processed meat. So I told him we were pretty safe on that. All right, let me go check that again before it totally catches fire.

That might make it taste better. Yeah, I know. What is it? I'm going to find it. Is it the ham pie that I was trying to get you to think of?

Ham pie. We talked about the possibility of making another... Turkzilla, but out of pork products. I was thinking about that. I was like, man, what if you made one with spam?

Boy, that'd be cool. Spam and a layer of bacon. And then mashed potatoes. And a layer of Vienna sausage. No.

We did say hot dogs might work. There's all kinds of weird bacon creations on This Is Why You're Fat. Why am I not surprised? Wrap the whole thing in bacon. You've watched Epic Mealtime, haven't you?

You've never watched Epic Mealtime? Oh my god, now I have to show it to you. It's fucking retarded. I'm going to eat all day. I specifically ate bran flakes today because we were eating too much.

That sounds like bad porn. Like, we're going to fix this. We need a corndog. It's time for phase one. I was trying to think last time we did tacky, but the.

Only thing I could think of more tacky than our usual. Oscar Mayer festivities would be spammed. I love Spam. I'll eat Spam. So these are many, many options.

Actually, there were only two recipes initially going in, but then I started mixing them up. So we have, this one is, the initial recipe was Spam wrapped in bacon, which I thought was massively tacky and we needed to do. And then we also had Smokies involved. So we have little Smokies then skewered onto a piece of Spam. Go ahead.

Go to town. Take a couple and. I'll pass them to you. A little smoky. It's hot and a little smoky since I'm in the sixth grade.

Mmm, Spamalicious, dude. I haven't had Spam for so long. My grandma always made my grandpa fried Spam sandwiches for lunch. Spamwiches? That's fine.

Yeah, never call 1-800-I-LOVE-SPAM. I thought that was the hotline for Spam. It's not. It's a government. No, it's a government military installation thing.

A little smoky, just a smoky juice. I probably would. Have shot coke everywhere. Little wiener juice. Alright.

And then we have to round it out with the traditional pigs in blankets. Which of course stay away from this area over here because I'm assuming Misty would have still requested her blankets only area. I don't like blankets only. I don't like hot dogs. But they're little skunkies.

They're different. But that's what these are. They're a little stupid. They're different. That one's got bacon in it, too.

Bacon in it, too? Brian, you went all out. Yeah, we're all going to die of massive heart attacks. I mean, that's okay. I ate healthy all day yesterday.

Yeah, I've decided there's no way to have a recipe healthy that ends in wrapped in bacon. Unless it's turkey bacon. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, a couple of those are hot dogs, and then some are Smokies. And then there were a few that I decided to experiment, so there are...

I got a spam one. Wrap spam. Oh, I didn't get a wrap spam. Spam in a blanket right here. All right.

Spam in a blanket. Spam in a blanket. If I was going to do this, I might as well mix it up for God's sake. What we need is Oscar Mayer to officially sponsor this. Well, that was why, because technically, and I figured somebody would call me out, so I called myself out.

Spam is not made by Oscar Mayer, but I also decided it's A, tacky, which fits our show, and B, until we're officially sponsored by. Hey, we have multicolored toothpicks. That's fancy. Until we're officially sponsored by Oscar Mayer, I can bend the rules and serve whatever the hell I want. And we're right down from the street named Melwood, so that tells you we're at the epicenter of...

Now that I have the spam wrapped in a blanket, I'm a little afraid. Eat it. I may have a will. Yet. Are these Pillsbury croissants?

Kroger brand? No, they're actual Pillsbury. See, yet another local organization. Once again, if any of these would like a sponsor, we will gladly accept your money. And serve your food.

My mom hates the. Pillowberry dough, by the way. It's an unnatural hatred, too. I don't understand what the deal is with my mom, because she's not really, well, I take it back. She is one to hate things.

Generally not. She's generally pretty nice. Your mom's fucking awesome. She's funny as shit sometimes. She really, really hates the dough boy.

I don't know why. Like, in the same way that Misty hates most things? Yeah. Like, she says she wants to grab him and smash him with a roller and put him in the oven and cook him. That's my same feeling about gingers.

Has she seen Ginger Dead Man? No, I don't think she has. I don't know that she wants to, actually. She doesn't like him and she doesn't like Snuggles. Snuggle Bear.

I think we're all kind of creeped out by Snuggles a little bit. Come on. But yet she likes Lamb Chop, and I can't figure that one out. Yeah, that's one shade away from Snuggles. I don't know.

Her mom's awesome. What's her name? Sherry Lewis? Yeah. That does Lamb Chop?

She's crazy. I think she is kind of crazy, actually. Well, she's dead, so it doesn't matter. Okay, sorry. Sorry, Sherry Lewis.

That makes it totally okay. My kindergarten teacher went nuts. I mean, like, literally went nuts. And she had a puppet Kermit the Frog. She even took her school picture with Kermit the Frog by her face, and she would talk through Kermit the Frog and have different conversations.

And they finally had to just say, you need to be put away for a little while. You kind of had your own little Mr. Hat going on there. Pass the meat, Gil. Don't be hogging that meat.

Unintended My mouth has never felt so salty What did you say? My mouth has never. Felt so salty I'm not even going to address that. I mean my tongue feels like it's been pickled. Tomorrow we'll all be swollen And dead More than.

Likely So this week's geek activities If we can lay off the spam for a minute here I don't know Well I'm going to while I'll tell you mine So, again, usually I try to be as professional as we do at all in this show and do a little preparation. So, granted, I'll get called out, I'm sure, for not seeing the majority of movies that were actually nominated this year. But that's also because I'm poor. So, once again, as soon as the endorsement money starts rolling in, I'll be able to afford to. Go see some of these movies.

But the one I did watch this past week was Winter's Bone. And, once again, for a local tie-in, that's, you know, if for nothing else... Just the word bone in it. As if we're not juvenile enough that we're sitting here eating pork all night. No, I haven't watched Saturday Night Live in.

Like 20 years. Yeah, Wayne's World. That's the last time it was almost funny. So, yeah, once again, I mean, I've been hearing this for a long time. I was actually at the premiere of that movie and didn't get to see it because it was.

A huge ticket price. Granted, it was for charity, and that's all good and everything, but I didn't have money to pay for it. Right, you are, and you need a charity. Yeah, I am a charity. It just hasn't started rolling in yet.

But, yeah, everything I've heard about it is true. Jennifer Lawrence is amazing in it. I mean, it's kind of ridiculous how. Is it the Joey Lawrence? Is that...

Did she ever say, whoa? Let's hope not, really. I don't think anybody wants to claim being related to Joey Lawrence. Dude, I totally would. Not now that he's bald.

Is he bald? Yeah, it's awesome. Well, I'm bald, so... There's nothing. I'm Joey Lawrence.

You didn't know that. Ha ha, take that, Joey Lawrence. No, let me clarify. There's nothing wrong with being bald, but, like, Joey Lawrence, he had that, like, hair, and he said, whoa, and now he's bald. Who cares?

Yeah, he was kind of known for his hair. They had fake 5 o'clock shadow now on there, because I'm pretty sure it's just spray-painted on, so it really has no hair anymore. So he has, like, this weird little stubble. Yeah, it's really weird. It's just spray glue and sand.

I mean, it would. Suck if you lost your trademark, you know? He can't say whoa. He can still say whoa. He can still say whoa, but he doesn't have the hair.

Whoa, where'd my hair go? Now he's the dad. Is he on a sitcom or something now? Is he on a sitcom? I don't know, but I remember that it's him and Melissa Joan Hart or something.

Oh, God. What a has-been sitcom. I could totally make that part up, but he has a show with someone. I think you're right. I think you are.

The Melissa and Joey show. That's what it's called. You name shows like I do. Yeah, it's Joey and Clarissa or something like that. Clarissa explains everything to Joey.

And then Six walks in. And then Sam. Wasn't Sam the guy who was in the window? I love Sam, yeah. I loved Elvis the Alligator.

I just want to pet Alligator. What ever happened to Blossom? She was on. Isn't she on. Isn't it Blossom that's on Big Bang Theory now?

Yes. She's Sheldon's girlfriend. Holy crap, I didn't realize it. Holy crap, we don't watch that show that much. She also was on...

Was she on Curb Your Enthusiasm for a while? Someone else made her a show because they gave her a makeover. Oh, no. She's been needing that for years. Maybe I'm completely making up the Curb Your Enthusiasm thing.

I don't know. I hate that show. All right. So, like we were saying, when she's... Yeah.

Yeah. Jennifer Lawrence. So, yeah. Jennifer Lawrence is amazing in this. And just...

It is ridiculous to think that just like a few years ago, she decided. To be an actress. You know? She... I mean, she's ridiculously young anyway.

But then on top of that, I mean, she just. kind of moved to New York and started doing modeling and ended up, you know, trying this out. And, yeah, it's so layered. I mean, it'd be different if she was just, like, this, you know, mouthy teenager or she was just this, like, wounded girl taking care of her whole family. But, like, there's just facets. Like, every scene is, like, you know, she kind of plays one way.

And the other. And it's impressive because it's all really realistic. And that's... I think the. The thing that's most impressive about the whole movie is just it could be a documentary.

Like, it really is frighteningly accurate to places that I've seen. I used to have to drive around this area a little further into it than I would have liked to and came across a lot of places that looked eerily similar to places I saw in this movie. And the thing is, it's not even set here. It's not shot here. I mean, she's from here, but, I mean, it's set in Louisiana.

Yeah. But it could equally as be. And that's what I started thinking. It's like the more I watched this thing, I was like, this could be taking place anywhere, really. Because these kind of towns exist all over the country.

Probably all over the world. But, I mean, these little towns that sort of exist all to themselves. And this group of people that, you know, there's activities going on. And everybody knows it. And they sort of keep to themselves.

And they take care of themselves. They have their own little... system around there and everything is run through their system and you know the law has little to do with it so I think that's going on everywhere and I think that's the the most impressive thing is that you could set this anywhere it could be you know somewhere out west and the locale would look a little different but this exact story could kind of be going on and just the acting across the board it's it's amazing uh John Hawks who is also up for an Oscar tonight is uh is ridiculously impressive and The one that, and we were talking about this last week, of not being able to take people seriously once they've been one role, the sheriff in the town is Garrett Dillahunt, who, Misty, you would know as the dad in Raising Hope.

That's all I could see him as. Like, he's so funny on Raising Hope now that, like, he's trying to play it straight, and he is. I mean, he does a great job, but it's just, like, the whole time, I'm like. Well, I saw him before that, before I ever saw Raising Hope. Oh, he's been in tons of stuff.

So I saw him in a. burning bright well he plays a jackass alcoholic dad that you that's why i threw me when he was on raising hope since i already had the burning if anybody else ever seen burning bright it's a fucking awesome movie i don't care what anybody said the movie kicks. Ass it's got a fucking tiger gonna eat your ass it was fucking awesome. Come on now it's a tiger in the house you can't get out take it now it is take. It now eat your damn cell phone I don't know what he did but whatever it's. Fucking awesome so I had that notion of him already as a jackass that I hated and I love him and I love.

Raising Hope Raising Hope is so fucking awesome it is. Awesome so I don't know sorry I totally interrupted. You well no that's the thing I mean he has been working for like the last 15-20 years and stuff like steadily so I mean he's got a huge resume but he's so good on Raising Hope that I immediately was just like Yeah, it was hard to get past that, but again, he turns in a great job on this one. And then also, completely unrecognizable. Got to the end, saw the credits, and went, wait, who the hell was that?

Cheryl Lee is in this. Wow. Completely, does a great job. I'm sitting there watching. That whole scene's amazing, but I'm just.

Didn't even occur to me. She looks so different now. Cheryl can laugh too. No, not naked, not wrapped in plastic. Nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee.

What the fuck's up with that stupid-ass logo? What? They changed the Sarah Lee. Sarah Lee. They changed it.

It used to be that nobody doesn't... Nobody doesn't. Like Sarah Lee. Yeah. Nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee.

Now they changed it to nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee. That's fucking retarded. Yeah, it kind of is, actually. It used to be. What did it...

It used to be. Nobody does it like. I always thought it was nobody. It's always been nobody doesn't like. It was nobody does it like.

I think they changed it. There was never a contraction in there. Now there is. I think it's probably because they were implying do it and somebody complained. Probably.

Oh, she did it. Nobody does it like Sarah Lee. No, no one does it like it. Is Sarah Lee still hot? Not so much.

That's the thing. I mean, we'd seen her, I think last time I'd seen her was on Gilmore Girls. Like, she was already, you know, playing a mom. But now she's like a backwoods mom. And it was just like...

Yeah, I did not recognize her at all. She was never as hot as Sherilyn Finn. No. Well, nobody's as hot as Sherilyn Finn, especially back in the day. Oh, it couldn't be.

Sherilyn Finn was probably the hottest chick ever. I can't argue that. It's ridiculous how hot she was. I had a problem there for a few years. So I'll agree with you.

We had to lock you up when the Playboy came out. You know what? I intentionally stayed away from that. It's upstairs. I'll go get it right now.

No. This show will come to a screeching halt. I can't think of Carolyn Fim without thinking of Sammy Sam. I'm talking about her sweater puppies. Whenever I see her, all I can.

Think of is sweater puppies. Actually, what purged everything for me was Boxing Elena. Yeah, that's true. And I was like, wow, that's bad. I'm done.

Julian Sands ruins everything. Yeah, that's right. So, yeah, this is Warlock. I blame Warlock for most of my problems, really. Warlock 3 was awesome.

Is that the porn one? I don't know. There was one of them that was just Warlock. I'm sorry, anyone that says Warlock 3 was awesome is a geek. I would only hope it was Warlock 3D.

No. They couldn't afford 3D. No. I don't even remember it, but I just remember watching it a long time ago and thinking, man, that movie's fucking real. I love that Warlock 3.

To this day, Defend at Warlock 3 is awesome. I don't remember it at all. I don't remember it at all. But I do know, and everyone knows this, but my mom was a huge, obsessive, fan. How's the dolphin room doing?

Well, I think it's okay. Her roommate moved out. So much for quickly moving through. I told you. We can't do it.

I know about it. Look at the pills kicked in. What happened? Woo! So, I'll round mine out.

If I can. So, yeah, it's... I'll get one more rant. Oh, I'm sure. The director is Deborah Granik, and she really is impressive.

Everything about this is just... completely, perfectly put together. Just the tone overall is amazing. Just the mood. I mean, it's, it's nothing officially. I mean, it's not like it's a horror movie, but it has this creepy tone to it that granted it's a lot of these backwards, creepy ass characters, but not even that.

It's just the whole thing is. Like this washed out feeling and this like overwhelming, like you, you really, there's this like overwhelming hopelessness to it. And you're sitting here looking at them at their, like, you know, they're, destitute little like plot of land and their. Truck sitting on it. And I'm kind of like, wow, this is so sad.

And then you start to feel like, Oh, this is their life. How sad. And then I looked around at my empty ass house and I was like, where the fuck am I to pass judgment? Right. And I think, again, I think that is one of.

These strengths of it is like, it really does sort of put things in perspective and you're like, well, you know, how is their life any worse than yours? You know, you're not really any better than these people. And these people are going pretty awesome. You do have a charmed life. Anybody with a little bit Kenny Rogers in their bedroom.

That's true. Yeah, my life's pretty awesome, too. I can't complain. Yeah, with the painting in the garage. Yeah, my fucking four riders in the apocalypse.

It's four, right? Yeah. I think you're pork drunk. Already, we barely started. And the freaking pink pills.

No, that works too. So, I don't know, I think that's like one of the strengths is just the, the, Overall tone of it, just the performances across the board are amazing, and just her direction. This is kind of like her second full-length feature, so I really kind of want to see. Where she goes, because I think she does a great job directing it. And again, the whole thing rests on Jennifer Lawrence's shoulders and carries it.

And she's, what, 17? It's ridiculous how impressive she is in this. And I'm still, you know, I worked for like three days trying to set up an interview last time she was in town. So it's my goal now to have her sit in with the caffeinated movie geek set up. So we'll see how that goes.

Good luck to me. The gigolos out in front of the store and everything. I mean, you know, she's from Hollywood now. You never know. She's probably seeing that all the time.

You're right. So that was pretty much it. I was just going to get the Oscar tie in there. That's about all I watched this. Week anyway, so.

Who is next? Should we go ahead and turn the TV on and do it in between commercial breaks? I was going to do that as we began, but. If the sound's on and we actually broadcast any of the Oscars, do. We get sued?

We've done it for three years. I would love to get a cease and desist letter from the Oscars. Oh, who good in June? That's the last time we. Worked in a successful movie.

Is that for. Jerry Maguire. Is that one of the bad movies that we watched when he was in with Henry Rollins? God, it was terrible. That was The Devil's Tomb.

The Devil's Tomb. Oh, it was bad. It was horrible. You guys made me go out and rent that movie. Sucker!

Hey, we currently have a flood watch, too. If we get washed away, then... You don't know why. Oh, it's a commercial break, so we're. Going to do mine.

If you turn it down. Alright, what did we do with our youth week? We watched. Did we ever. Talk about Mega Piranha vs.

Super or Gatoroid? I brought it up, but I don't think you had a chance, so go for it. It was fucking awesome. It turned me against... Tiffany.

No, I was actually more rooting for Tiffany. Debbie Gibson was fucking pissing me off with her whole little, Oh, we can't kill the snakes. They're better. I'm like, oh, fuck you. Kill the fucking snakes, you stupid-ass bitch.

It was meh. I was kind of surprised at the end, and they told me I came out of nowhere. I didn't see that one. Yeah, spoiler alert! I'm not going to spoil them and say I didn't see it coming, but you came out of nowhere.

I didn't know that. Was going on. It is not how they usually end those sippy movies, because they're planning ahead. Yeah, I'm waiting for the sequel. But then what did we watch?

We watched Piranha. Piranha. Which you were disappointed in. Yeah, I thought it sucked. You liked Mega Piranha.

I liked Mega Piranha better. Man how do you not like perot it's just a gore fest you know it was. Fun but we didn't see it we didn't see it in the. Theater jerry o'connell couldn't die fast. Oh i know but i mean he's so good at that part because i think he really gives that jacket yeah.

I mean really. My secret identity you know i still got that idea of jerry o'connell kind of dorky kid that Hooks up with the scientist and then gets superpowers. I've always just thought he was a jackass. He finally came through. A role made for him.

It was fun for me. I liked it. I had a good time. We were sitting there making fun of people when they're going to die. It was something like that scene when they're in the harbor area and they're like, get out of the water.

Nobody listens because they're all stupid asses. They're just fucking hard and they don't listen to anybody. That sounds pretty realistic to me. That was pretty fucking awesome. There were dead pieces flying everywhere.

It was great for anybody who's lived in any spring break town area. I used to live in Fort Walton. Beach, Florida, so. That's around Destin and Panama City. During the summertime, you get all the people coming down for spring break and stuff, and you really just wanted a majority of them to die because you just couldn't stand it.

It's about like the derby around here. You get a bunch of people from out of town, and they don't know where they're going, and they're getting away, and they're usually a general nuisance, and they leave trash everywhere, and, you know, you just wanted them to fucking leave. So... I was happy to see that scene. That was a great scene.

And that's the thing. I mean, that whole part makes the movie for me. That, like, 20-minute extended death scene. Yeah. And in the middle of it, Eli Roth dies, which is pretty awesome.

Oh, I love Eli Roth. I don't care about anybody who has this type of fever as shit. Fuck it all. Yeah, but he's another one that just seems. He's a jackass.

He seems like such a douchebag. And I'm like, oh, please die. Please die. Yes! Amy Adams did not go on the mandatory red carpet diet, apparently.

She did not. She's had a few pork sandwiches herself. Her arms look fat. She's okay. Her arms look fat.

I think she looks good. She's not flashing. No, that's what I'm saying. Her arms look fat, and she's got this horrible dress that cuts off and makes her arms look fat. Blue chain mail is what she's got on her.

Sequence chain mail. I like sparkly, but. She had ones with a lower cut off the shoulder sleeves. It kind of helped get her arms a little bit. Yeah.

Because, I mean, I'm sure she probably weighs like 95 pounds in real life. Right. TV. That's crazy. 13-inch TVs make every little one look big.

Just like Misty's computer monitor. My computer monitor stretches everybody out. Stretches them out and swatches them down. The whole world's full of short, fat people. Whenever I have pictures of me, I have to turn them sideways.

So that way I look long and tall. Who the hell's that? That's our girl right there. Oh, hey! She's only 17.

19? 19 now? Is she 18 now? Maybe, yeah. Maybe by now.

God, she looks much older than that. Mm-hmm. That's what Hollywood does today. I pictured her being like a brunette or something in my head. I don't know why, but in my head...

She's wearing shoes. That's all I know for sure. She's really fucking sexy. You can't tell her dress is too long. She can wear shoes, but the bottoms of her feet are.

Going to be dirty. Well, her dress is very plain, I must say. I mean, it's pretty. It still looks good, though. Her arms don't look fat.

No, no, no. She has the right amount of cleavage. Her arms don't look fat. She has sideburns. There is some sideburns.

Just a little bit, though. What part of Kentucky? I think she's from Louisville. Yeah, she's from... Well, see, that's the difference, see, because Louisville is really not Kentucky.

Yeah, as far as I'm concerned, it's not. I like it. Louisville is a complete. For people who don't live in Kentucky, Louisville is completely. outside of Kentucky. I have nothing interesting to say about Kevin Spacey.

I've said for years we should secede from the union. Basically. It's a commonwealth. But, you know. Whatever.

Yeah, actually, Chuck D once said... And a concert in Louisville. He said that Louisville needs to find a way to get away from Kentucky. And I agree. I love Kentucky.

I love, like, everything about Kentucky that has nothing to do with Louisville. Like, hillbillies and, like, fucked up redneck people. That's what I love. Hillbillies from afar are great. Hillbillies from afar are great, but not when.

You're being chased by them with a bow and arrow. And they're trying to eat you. That happens in Indiana? No, that happens in Kentucky. I thought that's Like West Virginia.

Woo! We like big boys. Different parts of Kentucky, too. You can get down there around Milken. There are some scary places.

Who is this? Who is this? Is it Russell Brand? I love Russell Brand, actually. Somebody needs to punch him in that face.

He is not funny at all. He looks like a more attractive Tiny Tim. Yeah, I was thinking that's his look now. But not that much more attractive. I would ride everything now with Tiny Tim.

I would not touch his diaper, but I would hang. Out with him. I mean. He looks, um... He's going for that tighty-tooty dark look.

I'm a dark tighty-tooty. I'm gothy tighty-tooty. Why didn't he have Katy Perry in that? I don't know. Did he bring his mom?

I think so. I'm sure that's why. What a squirt. You can't tell me he got nominated for anything. Why the hell is he even there?

I don't know. Getting to see The Greek was awesome. I don't care what anybody says. I love that movie. I've never seen it.

I didn't see it. I'm on a Jonah Hill strike. I don't watch anything with him in it. I'm sure, I mean, he's funny. He's got his thing, but once again, like most celebrities, they're plugging him into that same role.

Over and over again. Yeah. He looks like he's had too much meth. He has, I'm sure. Katie's hooking him up now.

Can we finish up our Geek Week real quick? We don't have anything left in the room. Okay, what else? We watched Dog House, which was pretty good, actually. We watched what?

Dog House. Which one was that? So all the dudes go to the village. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was awesome.

All these guys, they want to do it for their girls for the weekend, so they go to this little town. I forget what the town's called. Middle of nowhere. Yeah. Anyways, they go there, and apparently there's...

It's. Supposed to be like the ratio is supposed to be four women and one guy. It's supposed to be mostly just women, and their buddy was just recently... What did he just recently get divorced? Yeah, his wife left him.

His wife left him. So they're going to take him up there for kind of a... A weekend getaway. And it's got the guy who was in Severance. I fucking love that guy.

And, uh, it's got, uh, Tommy from, uh, uh, Snatch. Yeah. Whatever his name is. But, uh, yeah, they go up there and then it turns out that, uh, the government's released some kind of weird virus that have turned all the women, it only affects the women, uh, turns them into these, uh, crazy zombies that are. Flesh-eating.

Flesh-eating. They're fast. They look super fast. I don't know. It's, it's a funny movie, though.

It's pretty good. good. If you like Severance, you might like it because it's got kind of the same feel to it. It's got the same guy. It has the younger guy. If you like Severance and if you like Shaun of the Dead, I think you would probably love this movie.

It's pretty good. What's it called again? Doghouse. Doghouse, yeah. I watched the trailer.

It does look pretty funny. Yeah, I made you watch it. I called you. I'm like, dude, go on YouTube. Watch it right now.

Fine. And it was pretty funny. Ooh, Justin Timberlake. He has such an ugly nose, dude. It's like he ran into a wall hard and then it just stayed that way.

Oh, God. And you, well, you're not going to your, what you've been doing for the past fucking three weeks now? What's that? Oh, yeah. Playing Castlevania, Lords of Darkness, Lords of Shadow.

I'm sorry, Lords of Shadow. We happen to get it. Because I'm not going to pay fucking $ 60 for a goddamn video game. And you've got to be kidding me. Really? $ 60 for a damn video game?

Yeah. Fucking nuts. I used that. I used it that. I used video games.

So she had a, what did you have? Rewards points? Gift card. Gift card. And I had rewards points.

And we got it. For like, what? How much? $ 15? Something like that. Yeah, $ 15.

Get it done. So we got it pretty cheap. Anyways, awesome game. Love it. It's probably one of the gayest games ever.

It's one of the greatest games. God, I fucking love that game. Love that whole series of. Castlevania. This one's even better.

They just keep getting better. There were some out for PS2 that kind of sucked ass and they were kind of monotonous. This one's really good. You've been playing it for three weeks and you're about halfway done. Yeah.

And that just means, cause I'm not, you know, I'm not, I'm not a heavy gamer. So, you know, I'm not one of those guys that can sit and beat a game like in two days, but she says I've been playing it for three weeks. It's like three weeks on the weekend, on the weekends for a few hours here and there. Um, on easy because until 3 o'clock in. The morning on easy yeah because I'm not like I said I ain't that great at the game but.

Still I've taken into account the time to pause the game run into the other room google the walkthrough. Walkthrough it's like I said I ain't got time to fucking look for all these damn crystals I need to know where this shit is I need to know where it. Is now that's why I just quit playing those kind of games I'm like I don't have time to wander around and look at this crap. I just want to fucking play the game and just be done with it You know? A lot of times, I just watch the trailer, and then I'm like, wow, that's great.

I just saved $ 60. And that's what I do, kind of. If you could watch all the cut scenes, you could... Yeah, yeah. I got the gist of the story.

All right. Yeah, so, did that, and... I'll take it. I want to mention this awesome video game trailer that we watched. If you had not seen this video.

Game trailer, you should have fucking watched this video game trailer, because it's... It's fucking awesome. They've already optioned a movie based on the trailer. For this video game alone. That's how fucking awesome the trailer is.

I think it's called Dead Island. Yeah. It is the best fucking trailer for a video game that I have ever. I have no idea what happens in this video game. I'm assuming there's zombies.

There's zombies. There's people on vacation. That's about all you need. To fucking know. Yeah.

It's an awesome damn trailer. I sat there. People are bitching about it already. I think I almost cried. It was so fucking awesome.

It was pretty fucking awesome. Yeah, people are already bitching because they're... There's a little girl in there and she gets bitten by the zombie and the dad's like got his daughter. The first scene is her dying. Yeah.

It's like really spoiling anything. Yeah. The first scene of the movie is her dying. Was she being thrown out a window or something? And so a lot of people are like, oh my.

God, this little kid died. Dude, it's a fucking video game. It's all animated violence. It's not real. Shooting people in the head.

Yeah. I can't believe they did that. They're manipulating you because they're making you feel. Well, of course they're fucking manipulating you. That's their job.

That's what they do. That's what everything does. Everything manipulates you. It always plays on, you know, your sex or it plays on emotion or something. It's just basic storytelling.

It's basic storytelling. It's fucking amazing. If you haven't seen the trailer for this video game, fucking watch it. Dead Island. Awesome.

YouTube it. What am I? Find it. Damn straight. Watch it now.

Hell yeah. Fuck you. You guys have had too much pork. They need to do video game trailer. They do sometimes.

I watched a Thai film. I sat down and watched a movie called Tsunami Warrior, which I. Was highly disappointed in. It wasn't that bad. It was okay.

I could have been loved. Well, you don't care for those films. But I watched it because.... You know, I don't know. I read, like, the...

Netflix? Kind of the Netflix review on it, and I sat down and watched it. It was okay. It's very confusing, because there's, like, two stories going on at one time. I understood it and everything, but, you know, it was just kind of like, oh, okay, this is basically kind of like Pirates of the Caribbean, only set in Thailand.

So it was okay. It's an okay movie, if you like okay movies. You know? I mean, it wasn't no... There wasn't no Ong Bak or anything like that.

So, whatever. That's pretty much it. That's it. Didn't do anything else. And now, before the next show starts, let's enjoy an intermission.

Oh, I love to be... Oscar Mayer winners are all meat. All good meat. Rich and complete meat proteins. Mildly seasoned to bring out all the good meat flavor.

How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? I'm here because I hope that you may share our enthusiasm and conviction that we have created something more than a motion picture. Within the pages of this remarkable book, General S.L.A. Marshall has told in blunt and blistering language the whole truth about the Battle of Porkchop Hill. On the map, only 237 feet high.

On the screen, it towers above every war story ever told. The famous American war correspondent, Richard Tregascus, has this to say about our picture. As a correspondent who saw Porkchop Hill at the time of some of the battles there, I can say, this is it. There they are, the best actresses of 1968. One now?

Sure. Mine probably won't be too long. I finally watched.... I didn't want to watch it forever, and I finally watched Boondock Saints. I fucking love that movie.

It's a good movie. I will agree. Willem Dafoe is still kind of, you know. I think he's so sexy. In that role?

In that role? That's kind of creepy. It's even creepier. His aunt looks like Willem Dafoe. Yeah, my aunt does kind of look like Willem Dafoe.

He does look like he's very womanish, especially in that movie. Your aunt's awesome. Yeah, my aunt's cool as shit, but she's got really short hair. She has the same face. Did you watch the second one?

That's where I was leading this into. So I thought, well, that was... Why did I put this off for so long? I'll go ahead and watch 2. I got about 10 minutes into that and I said, this is a stupid fucking movie and I.

Turned it off. There's a kiddie. There's another thing that I didn't like about 2. Something in general? Well, no.

What's her name? Julie Benz? Yeah. I generally like her, but then she's just really trying to go out on a limb and be just as nutty as Willem Dafoe. You can't out-nutty Willem Dafoe.

No, you can't. And it's one of those things. What are the odds you're going to come across two fucking nutty ass. cops in the same damn movie series. I love the first one. I love that movie.

Although I'm thinking I've got to get your mom and make me one of those gun vests like he's got. Because I've got just pretty much enough handguns. I need that vest. I'm still excited about going to see Sean Patrick Flannery. He's going to be at Warhound.

I want to look at his face and see if it feels as plasticky. I want to see if I can get it to move. See if I can mold it into different shapes. Like Silly Puddin'? Dude, seriously.

I still love him though. He's Maybe if you slap a comic on his face, he'll have, like, blondie on his forehead. Cool. Let's put, yeah. That second movie was one of the horriblest, most pieces of shit movies I've ever.

Seen in my entire fucking life. Yeah, what's up with the red-headed Mexican guy? That kind of confused me there. That's not possible. I don't think it is possible.

Yeah, it was horrible. Yeah I turned it off so I figure since it was on Netflix it was free I didn't mind turning it off I figure I can it's paused I can go back. To it you don't want to kiss her you want to kiss Zoe Zoe. Yeah we actually sat through the entire fucking thing like oh it can't be this bad it can't be. As bad as I think it is right I.

Was in denial I'm like there's got to be some redeeming quality about it at the end oh you don't. Know the end no I didn't know I don't know the end I'm going to. Write it for you I'm going to focus there at the very end That's very good. So you did ruin it for me. I warned you first.

I don't want to ruin it for you. I'm going to ruin it for you. Oh, okay. I warned you that I'm going to ruin it. Okay, that's fine.

I'm probably never going to unpause it and watch it. Nice. And then the other thing that I, that's why I didn't I didn't watch much this week I didn't movie for this for this week I played again I mentioned it during the 999 episode that I played a lot of Final Fantasy 12 again still and this time I finally got the there's the best weapon in the game that if you open up any boxes anytime before that moment you don't get your chance of getting that spear and I've And I found a way to sneak through and run through things so you don't get killed. And you're running and running and saving and running. And, you know, you're not supposed to be there at this point in the game.

But if you go through several back doors, you can get to this point. And I got it. And so it's one of those completest things that I'm like, yay, now I don't want to play anymore. But, I mean, it was like one of those things for like ten minutes I was like, I finally got it. I finally, you know.

But, anyway, that was extreme. That's the extremely deep moment of my life. My wife died. Considered leaving me that I was still playing them. Which one is that?

That is for the PlayStation 2. And it is. 11 was the online version. And then 12 was when they just went back to one person. And it's complex and the world is extremely big.

I've always wanted to play that series. I've never played it at all. And I stayed away from it just for the fact that... I have no respect for Kate Blanchett anymore. Why?

Yeah, she was nice to me. And he had a Jones movie. Oh, that's right. She was terrible in that. I think she's normally an amazing actress, but she was awful in that movie.

Awful. Awful. It was awful in Jones. But yeah, I never could get into that series just because it was so long. I don't have that much time.

It is long. I don't have that much time to devote towards video games. So, I mean. It took me 20 hours just to get to the point to get this weapon, and that's early in the game. This is, again, why I quit playing video games altogether.

It's a devotional thing that takes it, so, yeah. Did any of you. All watch the cartoon? Sorry, I interrupted you again. The cartoon that's how movies should have ended, and it had the Indiana Jones.

Yeah, I know you sent over the indie one to me anyway. That one's pretty funny. I like that. I'm sorry, I totally heard about it. All I was looking at, or I needed to say it, because the cartoon was way more better than the movie ever was.

I saw the Blair Witch Project, how it should have ended. And it's the, you know, the camera lands on its side at the end after the other person's dropped their camera. And it's the, you know, the director picks up and goes, you fucking idiots. Yeah. You broke both of my cameras at the end of the fucking movie.

Now we can't shoot the end of the movie. Did you shoot Indiana Jones? That's all the same. No, I haven't seen it. Yeah, it's the same people.

The Indiana Jones ones. I'll have to watch it. Yeah, this one was good. And he's like, all you had to do was point at the witch. She's right there.

Everybody wanted to see her. And it's this dumb, you know, cut out cardboard witch. They pan over to her. It's like, and that's the end of the movie. Everybody, you know, we were okay then.

I appreciate it. So I will have to watch the Indiana Jones. One. Who are all these people? It's like people's mothers.

Oh, like the mothers of the... My daughter was so great in this movie. She was the best. I feel like that's a very. Partial?

Yeah, very partial. My son, he was way too much lipstick on that one lady. Yeah, I don't care. I don't care. Old people creep me out, dude.

I don't care. They're just weird and they're old and they're wrinkly and they want to touch you. Yeah. I would probably report those old people. Yeah.

Yeah, what old people have you been to? You want to talk about old people coming at you, trying to touch you. You go to fucking Thailand. All right, I went there, and we went to my mom's village, and you talk about night of the living dead. There were old people crawling about everywhere.

It's a lot of old women, and they chew bitternut. Now, I don't know if the majority of people know what bitternut is, but it's some kind of weird nut that they chew. That's almost like. It's almost like chewing tobacco, and it gives you a little bit of a high, but it makes your teeth red. It makes you look like somebody just fucking punched you in the mouth, and it looks like you're.

Bleeding out of your mouth. See, all these old people coming at you with these blood, and I've never seen a build-on. I don't know if I ever was. All these old people coming at me with what looks like blood in their mouth. And teeth, and they're like, because I can't understand how.

And they're grabbing your arm, and that's insane. They love to grab your arm and go, ah! They want to feel your arm, your bicep. I'm like, oh my god, mom, get them away from me. That's Jay's tie.

You're allowed to do the Rush Limbaugh yaw yaw. Well, that's what they sound like. They've got their mouth full of billiard. You can't really understand them because they're old. And then again, they're talking.

They've got their mouth full of billiard. And then I was just like, get away from me. And anyone wanting to complain, Jay is. Shut up. He reserves the right to make those up.

Well, there's only one way to deal with that. Go for the head. Yeah, that's right. Aim for the brain. Double tap.

Double tap. Wow. You know, my daughter, when she was three, we took her to a Chinese buffet. And, you know, the. Waitress obviously doesn't speak very much English at all.

And so she's talking, trying to speak as much English as she can. And my daughter would try to say things at the time. And we would try to get her to say, hey, use your words. Don't just point or whatever. We're still trying to do that with your kitchen.

And the lady came over and was trying to ask us if we want more to drink. And she didn't understand that some people can't speak English as well. And she looked up at her and she goes, use your words. Nice. But that's just a pure honesty of kids.

Because kids generally don't know any better. And they don't know manners. And they don't know how all the world works. They all think everybody speaks English. Right.

That the world... So do Americans. For some reason, the world was black and white when your mom and dad were around. I thought that when I was little. I asked my mom, I was like, Mom, when did the whole world turn color?

What do you mean? I was like, when all. The pictures are black and white. I was like, when did the world turn color? Was it when Maz happened?

That exact moment. That's what it did. That looks like a legitimate... And then Technicolor was born, right? I really, really legitimately thought that the world used to be black and white.

I think a lot of kids did. No, I wouldn't. I'm pretty sure it still is. It's all alive. You don't see it in color.

There's these old guys with paintbrushes. A lot of old people dream in black and white. My grandma always dreamed of black and white. They become canine when they get older. They're colored white.

Oh, wow. Actress in a supporting role. Homewrecker. Homewrecker. Homewrecker.

I'm tired of Homewrecker. Don't give her one. Yeah, I don't like her either. I just wanted to say Homewrecker. I'm very enthusiastic.

You know, the Oscars always reminds me of how few movies I've actually seen. Yeah. I've seen none of these movies. I saw Toy Story 3. The movies I watched are getting nominated.

Nobody from Prana. Is getting nominated. I did see The King's Speech, actually. I did not. I saw Lexi through the gate, child.

Gatoroid nominated Tiffany and. Debbie Gibson are not there. But they should be there to fight on stage. That would be awesome. The thing I noticed is Debbie Gibson's almost entering the Madonna phase where she's skeletal.

Yeah, the more you mention that when we... She's doing cabal. Yeah, when we were talking after the fight. Because at the time I was like, well, at least she didn't go the Tiffany route. She's still in shape.

And then the more you kept saying that. The whole movie was nothing but Tiffany's boobs. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She was banging on that thing.

Yeah. I'm skinny. I'm skinny. I'm skinny. And Tiffany going, boobs, boobs, boobs.

I got my boobs. Debbie was like all arms. Every time she climbed on that rope ladder, it was like, look at my fucking arms. Oh, I love this commercial. Except they took out the deep Justin Bieber voice and put in his actual voice so you recognize that was him.

At the end. Because I think the first time I saw it, I was just like, who's that weirdo? And he kind of looks like an ape. He looks like the guy from the caveman. I know.

I was like, he looks like that crow magnet from the insurance. Whatever happened to that guy? I got a sitcom. What? I don't know.

I don't know. What are you talking about? What are we talking about? We're not talking about Joey Lawrence anymore. I'm watching Talking Cards.

See, this is why we don't have the TV on the rest of the time. This is like 30 seconds. Lobster Fest is going on. The story changes every 30 seconds. What about Tiffany's boobs?

That's what we were talking about. Oh, yeah. Boobs. Oh, Lord. They were out there.

That's another reason I was banking more towards Tiffany because Danny Gibson was just fucking scary. She was. She was frightening. When she got all wet, she looked like a drowned rat. Her mascara was running.

Tiffany, she was a little bit chunkier, but at least she's got curves. You know, At least, you know. I would have a girl with a little bit of curves and this little stick figure with little muscle arms. I was still way more in the Debbie camp in the old days. Really?

Yeah, I was not big on the Tiffany bullshit. I didn't like Tiffany's music, but I think I would. Have liked Tiffany better. I didn't care back then. I just wanted a girl to look at me.

Well, yeah, but if I was picky and I was going for Debbie, she was cute. Tiffany, even then she seemed kind of like a bitch. Would you bring his whole damn family? Yeah, that's what you do. He can do that.

He's one and up. That's right. Jeff Bridges does whatever the fuck he wants. Why is she hiding her cleavage? I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, come on Scarlett Johansson. Why is her. Why do you even fucking. Recognize her what the fuck her hair is chopped.

Up too I know it's kind of like she just rolled out of bed and like this is my hair. Can a four year old cut it I can't recognize Scarlett Johansson without her cleavage who are you what it's like when. My niece cut her hair I gave. Her a half mullet. She's still upset over the Ryan situation, man.

Maybe if she would sing poorly, you could recognize her. No, I still wouldn't be. I do like that dress, minus the fact that it's huge. Oh, okay, now I know who you are. Yeah, with that lace-up top, you might, you know, see some boobages.

No, you can't. Is she still married to Ryan Reynolds? No, that's what I'm saying. They just busted all up. Sandra Bullock or something.

Yeah, what the hell was he fucking thinking? I'm talking about Sandra Bullock. It's awesome. I wouldn't. I would take Sandra Bullock for her.

Sandra's such a nicer person. Yeah, but Sandra seems like she's got something going on. Scarlett, she looks nice, but I can never really tell if there's anything going on upstairs. I ain't following Jesse James. Fuck all that shit.

Okay, I'll give you that one. I thought that was a bad judgment call from day one. He's kind of like, he's a lady jumper, kind of. He's like, he was married to, like, Alanis Morissette, and then, yeah, he, like, dated her for a long time. I don't know if they.

Ever got married. Ryan Reynolds. I was like, no. Those silly pronouns, we don't know who we're talking about. I was so confused.

I'm like, I can't picture Jesse James and Alanis Morissette. Not at all. That would be awful. No, Ryan Reynolds. They wouldn't go together at all.

I can't picture Alanis Morissette with anybody. Who the fuck's that kid? He's from Modern Family. He's actually pretty awesome on Modern Family. I don't even know what that is.

I don't watch Modern Family. How long is his new show? It's awesome. Oh, yeah, okay. No, no.

It's awesome. He was the apprentice in The Foot Fist Way. Okay. I don't, you know. They stick microphones in kids' hands.

I hated that movie. You hated that movie? Oh, my God. Chuck the Truck. That was badass.

I had its funny moments, but it really just wasn't that good. Oh, my God. Should we go ahead and do Marlena's Geek Queen? Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Go ahead and finish yours out, and then we can make food.

Let's see. Make food? I thought we were eating. No, this was the appetizer. This was appetizer, man.

If they have toothpicks, they're appetizers. You're fancy. The pig in the blanket didn't have toothpicks. But you were supposed to. You had a toothpick.

All right, Marlena. Okay, let's see. What did I do? I didn't really watch anything other than True Blood and Six Feet Under. I loved True Blood.

Which season? Season, well, I'm on season two now. Oh. Eric's way hotter after you get his haircut. I think Eric is gross.

His eyes are, like, too close together. Did you get his haircut yet? Yeah, his haircut. But, I mean, I just don't, I think Bill's pretty hot. You're, like, gross.

Team Bill, team Eric. Yeah, Eric's just, his face is just. I'm too scared. He was in Zoolander. Was he?

Oh, he was. I didn't even realize that. I love that fucking movie. And I have to say, I find Anna Paquin horribly unattractive. It's the gap.

It's the gap. It's her fetal alcohol syndrome face. Everything about her. I've always liked Anna Paquin. She's got a smoking hot body, but her face.

I feel like, you know. Yeah, she's a butterface. But you know when South Park makes fun of characters? Yeah. Did he wash his face?

He did. No, he didn't. Look at it. It looks like it's smudgy. Yeah, you're right.

He needs to shave. He's got scruff going. He's got homeless scruff. It just looks dirty. Looks like a mechanic kind of rubbed his ear, rubbed my face.

He's like, I was just working on my car. Before I came in. He might have been. I was just out playing buggers naked, rubbing grease all over me. What's his wife's name?

I don't know. Mrs. McConaughey. Arm trophy. Mrs.

McConaughey. But, yeah, I feel like Anna Paquin, her face reminds me of, what Trey Parker and Matt Stone, like, their little animation figures making fun of, like, celebrities. That's what her face looks like to me. Wow. But speaking of Anna Paquin, a couple of weeks ago, I watched Trick or Treat.

I love it. I don't get why everyone loves it. I mean, it wasn't awful by any means, but it was, like, I loved it. You briefly mentioned that last week and it almost stopped to me. I'm like, I'm going to have to go back and question you on this one because we were all totally on board.

With Trick or Treat. So what was your take on it? It was just kind of silly. I mean, I liked certain parts of it, you know, but it was just kind of like, it was just a silly horror movie to me. I didn't, you know, like, I mean, sometimes I do, but I just.

I don't feel like it really was anything different than any other movie I've seen. I mean, it just, But they did actually do things that were so different than other horror movies because they did blatantly kill little kids. A lot of them shy away from that. That's true. And I still think the structuring is kind of genius because it's not one story and then another story.

It's completely interwoven so that they all kind of interact with each other. Oh, shit. Dorothy, we've got a tornado watch. But it just felt like a. Tales from the Crypt are, like, one of those things.

But those are so broken up, though. I mean, I still. It took me, like, that second time watching it when I realized just how interwoven everything really was. And I think that was, like, more impressive than, like, Tales from the Crypt, that they're totally just broken into. Little bitty stories or stuff like that.

You know, just in a really good mood when I watch it. I fucking love that movie. Gotta be in the right mood for it. I mean, I really like the first part. I don't know what the actor's name is, but he's always a dick.

And he's the guy that was in Happiness. Yeah, Dylan... What the hell is that guy's name? I don't know, but I hate that guy. Just because of Happiness in that movie where he's like a.

Ew, who's that creepy monkey man? Who is that? I know he's getting yellow, too. Clopac. Hair Clopac.

Oh. Oh, yeah, you sexy man. He's like Magda from There's Something About Mary. At least just, I mean, you've got Anne Hathaway standing there. Show her.

She's a tribe. And we're watching this on a 13-inch TV. Imagine the people at home in HD that are watching. You're obsessed with that TV. Wait a minute.

Is that his daughter? I don't think so, but I really like that dress she has on. She looks very nice. A lot of people just kind of look like they're rolled out of bed. She looks very nice.

Well, I mean, it's only the Oscars, man. She's only hosting. It's only the Oscars. Why bother putting any effort into it? She said I should be a bitch.

I would not want to be a bitch. She does seem like she'd be a really stuck-up bitch. Very cold. She's beautiful, though. Frigid.

She has a really huge... She's going to be Catwoman. How the hell is she going to be Catwoman? She has a really wide mouth. Like, huge mouth.

Cheshire Catwoman? Yes. The Cheshire Catwoman. Oh, wow. But, yeah, Anna Paquin I thought was a little bit cuter in Trick or Treat.

She was Little Red Riding Hood. I know, she was Little Red Riding Hood. That was cute. And I was kind of shocked when all those, spoiler alert, chicks turned into werewolves. I'm like, where'd that come from?

That's one of the awesome twists along the way. That's pretty great. I like the blatantly killing kids part. I'm going to come back to that part. That was a good story, too.

I didn't even take that into consideration. Yeah, at least teenagers. Usually they're forget, but usually kids. Kids are taboo. Kids are generally taboo.

Just like the damn trailer. Oh my God, they showed a kid. And I think that's part of why. had such trouble getting distribution and they sat on a shelf for years and ended up going, you know, straight to DVD. And I think it's dead. Like me.

See, I've been watching a little sister. Yeah. Um, I've been watching dead like me again, sort of not really like I let a friend borrow it. And when I go to his house, he'll be watching it. So I'll like catch the end of an episode that he was watching.

And I keep looking at that girl and it's just like, I'm pretty sure she's a little girl, but she could also be, like, 25. Like, you really have no idea how. Old she is. She's really hot. Like, the movie they made, I forget what the name of the movie, they made a movie.

The Dead Like Me movie? Yeah. Yeah. She's, like, really smoking hot in the movie. Yeah.

The movie sucked. It was terrible. It was awful. They had a different Daisy. I know.

What is that girl doing now? I don't know, but that's Daisy to me, and it was what I couldn't stand her. I hated that role. I hated that actress. What is this?

Oh, this is Red Riding Hood. Yeah, are we going to see that, by the way? The Twilight version of Red Riding Hood. I know. Are we going to see it?

We need to go. If we can go opening night and try to ruin it for everybody, that would be worth my advice. Let's talk about all the tween girls that are going to be there screaming. I'm team red. I'm team wolf.

I guess there's no really other... I'm team woodsman. I'm team grandma. Oh, good lord. What were we talking about?

Totally ventured off. I don't know. I mean, I guess that's all about. Making bacon cookies? Oh, yeah.

I made some bacon cookies. they're delicious they're gluten-free but i. Mean that's high fructose corn syrup are all of us any of us gluten allergic. No but the recipe was just for peanut butter baking cookies and then i was like where the fuck is. The recipe for Yeah, there's tons of recipes for bacon dessert. Tons.

But I was putting the recipe together. I put all the ingredients together. I'm like, it didn't call for flour. So I looked through the comments, and it was like, someone was like, no flour? And the person who put the recipe was like, yes, gluten-free.

And I'm like, oh. But I added Nutella, and it made it real wet. So there are a couple handfuls of flowers for you. Crazy-ass Charlie Sheen. I posted this thing on Facebook.

If you're my friend, go look at it. But somebody took quotes from one of his last interviews and paired it up with pictures of kittens. That's actually pretty fucking funny, because you're like, really? Charlie Sheen said this? At what fucking point in the interview did he blur this out?

I like earlier today, and I retweeted it. So whoever this was, points to you, because this was awesome. But somebody came up with one that said, yeah, the people at the Oscars just to be safe through Charlie Sheen and the dead people montage. I was like, yes. Yeah, the kittens.

Oh, fucking awesome. She does have a big mouth. Good for her. I don't really, I'm not sold on her. I think she's got a flip-top head.

You know, she's looking a lot older than I remember her. She does look pretty old. It's like it finally caught up with her or something. Right. Because she looked like she was 15 for, like, well-injured.

She's not that old, though. She's not. I know. I don't know. She's, like, probably 28, 29.

Look at her now. She looks like an old bat. Look at her bat. She's going to be Liza Minnelli. In 10 years.

She does resemble... She. Is a more attractive Liza Minnelli. She does resemble Liza Minnelli quite a bit. By the way, Anne Hathaway, for those of you playing the home game.

Sync this up with your tape of the show. Don't forget to leave your glasses on. Alright, do we need to go make food? Somebody's cold. I guess we're making food.

Was that Marky Mark? That's Marky Mark. Where's the funky bunch? Can you tell it's cold because you see three things poking through his jacket there? It's really cold in here.

Look at those three points. His face looks dirty too. It's like every man coming to the Oscars forgot to shave. This one day that's like the most important day of the year. You gotta look rugged.

That like cheek stubble is disgusting looking. It looks like my face. Spotty. Can't you grow a beard? It's for a roll.

I'm not gonna diss you. I'm gonna diss you. Can't you grow a beard? Can't you grow a beard? You probably do do it all the time.

I love beards. I hate beards. I can grow a good mustache, but then I just. Look like a Mexican. You know, it's bad enough I work in a fucking welding place, and we got a Mexican taco place right next door.

And we get these delivery drivers, so they always joke at work. Well, they see Jay, and they come in and go, is this the taco place? And I look around, and I'm going... Okay, there's a forklift. It's got a huge piece of fucking steel on it.

I'm wearing fucking leathers and I'm welding. That's where you make the tacos. It doesn't fucking look like a goddamn taco place. I'm welding tacos. Yeah, I heard that.

I'm always like, oh, the tacos are the best. You're making quesadillas with that torch. I go, ha, ha, me no hable en ingles. I mean, I like beards so much I'll look at a guy and be like, It's not bad looking. You should grow a beard.

It doesn't have a beard. Why don't you have a beard? I know. I was like, you don't have a beard. I don't know of any beard guys I've dealt with.

Can you grow up? There's a guy at the Rainbow Blossom in Albany that's got an awesome beard. I was like, dude, that is a good beard. I'm going to go there too. Virgie doesn't have a beard, but he's got the Danny Trejo.

And he has the head tattoos. I mean, seriously. He's getting ready to shave his head again, I think. Speaking of shaving head, Geoffrey Rush should have tanned the back of his head. Geoffrey Rush?

I thought it was like the King's Island guy. you know who I'm at we need. To give Misty Pork every week and Darvisette which sucks because I don't know what you're doing moving back on sponsored by. Darvisette and Oscar Mayer I'll take it send checks now who's your. Favorite you hate her who is it wasn't that. Reese Witherspoon I don't really hate her oh my god fucking smushy face.

Oh yeah she's got a troll face she looks like. A little troll And she's kind of cute in her own way, but she definitely has a fucked up face. Everything but her face. That's the best quote ever. No, it's very pointy and angular, and I like that.

She needs some powder in the center of her forehead for sure. I don't know about this hair this time, though. I know. It's a questionable call. The poofy hair with the...

She's got the poofy Barbie hair. Yeah, it definitely looks like old school 50s Barbie. This is so much more meaningful when it's on mute. Obviously, nothing really smart. Well, we don't have their conversation distracting us.

I think they're talking about shoes. She has good teeth, though. Teeth? She has a teeth. Does she have vein in her forehead.

Just pop out? Yeah, it's like she's got a smudge or something. She needs to powder her forehead. She needs to grow one of those scruffy beards that everybody else has. On her forehead?

Do you have any more Geek Week? Did anybody have any more Geek Week? Nope. If we're eating, we better get going. All right, let's eat.

Perhaps you haven't seen the menu. Look around. All I have is meat. I don't know which one's mine. This one?

Yeah, I guess. They're all pretty much the same. There's cheese on it. I don't know. I loaded up that one there.

I'm ready. Yep, we've got your fried bologna going on. Hell yeah. Do we put fried bologna on top of these? That's what I was going to do with mine, I think, because we can do the triple meat combo.

We've also got bacon, too. Nah, leave it out. Sound of the sizzling. This, you know, is our official frying of the bologna. That's why I like it.

There you go, Randy. That's just for you, Randy. Fried bologna. See, my dad always used to cut slits in it so that it wouldn't... I know.

I think they did that when I was a kid, and now I boycott that and don't do it. You like it to be. It doesn't change anything. It's still bologna. Did you think that when you were a kid?

No. I'm like, what's going on with your childhood? Hey, kids, bologna diaphragms. I think Grandpa Bob ate bologna every day. He still does.

And he's healthier than anything. And that old man's still kicking. He would alter it between the fried spam and the fried bologna sandwiches. He died a horrible death of cancer. Funny.

Bologna cancer? Bologna cancer? Cancer of the bologna? You see my great-grandpa, he ate fried bologna sandwiches and Mountain Dew. That's all he fucking drank was Mountain Dew.

Jesus. What I would remember as a kid going over to his house, he had that old, big old ass refrigerator. He was an old tobacco farmer, and it was just the whole door was covered with Mountain Dew. Yeah, just like that. All Mountain Dew.

This guy lived to be like, I think he was like 98 or something, was driving his pickup truck home, and this fucking drunk driver was coming back from the lake, swerved across the median, hit him. Head-on, and killed him. And then sued him and took the fucking thing. What the hell? I don't know.

That's more like fat than meat. That's the way they all are. That's how bacon is. Yeah, that's how bacon is. You need more mayo?

No, there's plenty on there. I would hope so. I'm going to die. Water? Just drink lard at this point.

Really? Not really? It's no different. My dog is going to be licking my sweat. You're going to be oozing bacon grease through your pores.

I've got the meat trifecta going here. I've got ham, bologna, and bacon. Yeah, and Swiss cheese. Oven baked with Swiss cheese and extra mayo. Mayo.

Mayo is disgusting. Yeah, on this sandwich, really? That's the disgusting part. Mayo in general is disgusting, but that's just, ugh. I hate mayonnaise.

I'm a lightweight tonight. I just got ham. I just got ham and cheese. I have ham and cheese, too. I have it baked on the side.

I forgot to get vegan-aids when I went to the store the other day. Vegan-aids? It's not as gross as mayonnaise. I mean, I like mayonnaise, but mayonnaise is tough. I like mayonnaise.

It's like... There's you, Jeff, and what the fuck is that? his face? Is he gonna dance? The thing? Do we need to hear their ramblings?

Maybe they have, like, hug or beard illusion or something. Oh, they might be. He's a little scruffy face, too. I like the way he talks. I still think he's a tool.

He is. Are you going to shove them out of the way and take over the show? I'm the fucking host. She looks more manly than him. Look at her.

I don't know who the hell she is, but she looks. She's the one that interviewed Hannah Montana. What happened with Hannah Montana, I don't even know. I'm serious. I don't know.

He looks green. Why does he look green? Look, it's Tom Hanks. Back when he was normal. And funny.

Oh, wait, no. He wasn't funny then. Nothing's funnier than dying remains. I remember watching that. I remember.

He's the one crazy fucker. Yeah. He's like, I'm going to walk on all you motherfuckers. He's dead. I am four and I can do anything.

Exactly, because everybody's just like, ha ha ha. Crazy for her. Thanks, Robin. I'm here with Halle Berry. Who cares?

What does Halle Berry do anymore? I'm here with fucking Psycho. Is she a psycho? She's fucking crazy. What'd she do?

That's crazy. Didn't she hit, like, somebody hit and run or something? Oh, yeah. That was a long time ago. But even then.

She didn't get drunk before. Now I'm just like, she's so full of herself. Maybe she's bulking. Maybe she is bulking. I never really thought she was that attractive.

I hit an old man once. Yeah, but the old lady, like... Was okay. She's like, no, I'm fine. Yeah.

It's cool. Well, her husband was like, ah, it's her fault anyway for riding out in front of you. You know, I was a cat woman and I was in a way better family. I just don't think she's that, I mean, she's not unattractive, but I just don't think she's like hot shit. I mean, she's just a normal, she looks too much like Felicia.

Rashad to me. I don't know why. Felicia was hot back in the day. Yeah. I mean, if they were going to make a new Cosby movie, they can make her Mrs.

Cosby. I can kind of see that. Who would be Bill Cosby? I don't know. Will Smith?

Will Smith. Oh, Jada's going to be pissed. Actually, you know what? I don't see that one far off. Yeah, actually.

That's probably going to happen. Probably with the name of Fox. I just don't think she's near as hot as she thinks she is. There's nothing going on backstage. There's people watching fucking monitors.

Awesome. This is riveting. Right. We're here at the control center. The nerve center.

I like Steven Spielberg as someone's bitch. He's that guy's bitch. Yeah, Kate Capshaw. Right. Has his forehead gotten bigger?

He's starting to look like Tricky Dick here. Well, they already made that movie, so it's doing him no good now. Really, I know. They'll reboot it. Yeah, really.

It's time for a Nixon reboot. Yeah. Aren't they already working on another Little Red Riding Hood movie? Oh, there's about three going on right now. Little Red Riding Hood.

Little Red Riding Hood. Dude, we should make that. They should do that. I mean, they should do fairytale mashups. Yeah, Little Red Riding Hood.

I remember I used to think Jake Gyllenhaal was so cute. Now I'm just kind of like, I don't know. I liked him in Bubble Boy. Yeah, Bubble Boy was good. Speaking of Oscar-nominated performances...

Blah, blah, blah. How many trims are they going to blow up that train? A bunch of times. Is this like another Inception or something? What is it?

There's a movie with Bradley Cooper that from the trailers just looks like another Inception, and that kind of looked like another Inception. Yeah, it was that... They just showed it. Contraception. He does take a pill, I think.

What is it? Something adjustment guy. Adjustment hero. Actually, that looks cool. That's Matt Damon.

That's Matt Damon. That one does look kind of interesting. But that does look very Inception influenced. Kind of because they've got the outfits. But I think plot wise it looks like a couple other things they've.

Stolen it from. I just thought it was another Bourne franchise. I don't remember if it was a TV show. I'm going to get a cookie now. Bacon cookie.

Bacon cookie. If you don't mind, just bring the bag. I'll take one. What's the other dessert? See, that was my reaction.

It needs more bacon flavor. I kept waiting for bacon. Flavor to come busting through, and it's mostly. Just like peanut butter cookie. Which, you know, there's nothing wrong with that.

Peanut butter cookies kick ass. I like them. I mean, I think they're delicious. I think they're the best thing. I've ever baked.

Get half the bag down here. I want another one. They're not very bacon-y, though. That is true. It would be better if they didn't have any bacon at all.

Then that would just make it seem better. I still think of James Franco as being the stoner from Freaks and Geeks. And everything he did up until, like, this year. Yeah, pretty much. This year was the big turnaround year for him.

I don't think the whole thing with James Franco, I don't think he's attractive, I don't think he's a good actor. Really. He's got a crunchy piece of bacon. There you go. I think he might work too slow.

That was bound to happen before the night was out. This is boring as hell, dude. Eh, maybe we'll just move on. Yeah, let's totally move on. Come on.

This is supposed to be the interesting, you know, funny part. This is probably the most interesting part. At least it's not Hugh Jackman dancing and singing. All right, we're rambling on. We're going to take a break here and wrap up this half of the show, but we will return next week to give you the full wrap-up on the Oscars here, or as long as we can stand to watch them.

And even better, we will come back with the sofa theater feature of the week, Dementia 13. Come back and join us. Of so many caviar. And now she's smashed the plate Across the priceless floor He'll never turn his back to you And so he said, but he's in the sun division now We'll be right back. to know what's Down the Red Floor Down. The Red.

Floor Since I'm going to pick apart people who are much more attractive than me, does her nose look. Fake to you? It does. This show is a production of Movie Meltdown, produced and edited by Brian Renfro, with opening music performed by The Empires. To help support the show, email producer at moviemeltdown.com for ways that you can contribute or advertise with us.