165: The Creature Called Oscar

Falling Program is a proud member of the Pallava family of podcasts. Check out all the shows over at pallava.com. That's P-A-L-A-V-A dot com. It's showtime. The following feature has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America.

It is intended for mature audiences and parental discretion is advised. From the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Los Angeles, California, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is proud to present... The 52nd Annual Academy Award. Brought to you by our nuclear reactor. Pumping out one million kilowatts of power.

And speaking of national treasures, it's now my very great pleasure to turn over the rest of this evening to one of America's greatest natural resources, the charming, the witty, the very attractive. What's up? Welcome to Movie Meltdown. I'm Brian. I'm Greg.

I'm Fred. I'm Marlena. And we're back. As we continue this non-stop Oscar party. The Muppets just won Best Original Song.

That's pretty awesome since there were only two options. As we round out this, the fourth annual Movie Meltdown Oscar festivities and all the episodes that take place around them. This one, once again, being the fourth installment, is Oscar Meltdown. Pigs in space. Man, we don't need any of those special effects.

We're just that damn good. We are coming to you live via digital recording from Nancy's Bagel Grounds where we'll get together, eat dessert, which some people are going to miss out. Maybe I'll stay back. Sucker! Has Fred ever had...

Is this the. Yes, it's coming very soon. It's crack. Oh, crack. I love crack.

It's not cake eating. It's like dessert crack. I didn't know you had a crack. Pastry crack. I was wondering if it was going to be dessert.

We're calling it Bobby Brown. We will have our pastry crack and discuss a fine outer space film. So we once again welcome our mascot. We have Babe the Pig here standing by, guarding over us like the Mary on your dashboard. Babe will see us through and keep us safe throughout this ongoing battle.

It is Oscar Meltdown. You can wear one of those around your neck. Wow. So I guess we can get out the crack now. Get out the crack.

All right. We're wearing out the crack on the crack box. Everybody left and right. Break it down. Back in 79.

The Jambaloo Shee in 1992. I did the Chris. Ball in 2008. I did the Cloverfield Monster. I said, fuck that shit.

I went back to the Belushi. It's like gas, gas, gas, gas, gas. It's just like, you know, like. My boyfriend and I had this conversation last night about how. There's posters everywhere that say Crack.

Hill's Crack doesn't fucking kill. It makes you live forever. Crack makes you live forever. If Whitney Houston had stuck with crack, she would still be alive 40 years from now. That's true.

Damn it, Whitney. Crack is good. The only thing it kills is other people that you have to kill to steal their money and buy your film. Oh, Lord. So this is...

Are you going to tell me what's in this, or do I want to know? You don't want to know. Crack. It's crack with extra crack. Mm-hmm.

Maybe a little foil if you're not careful. That's because I'm too poor to have a real pan. If by next year somebody buys a real pan that I don't have to put foil in. The Jeff pan. That's what I need.

Everything will be like, the Jeff pan. I'm fine with that. The Jeff microphone. If he's up for that, I'm fine. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Jeff Meltdown.

That might be taking it too far. We're coming to you from Jeffersonville. No. No. We'll get our own studio then.

All right. Jeff Studios. Jeff Studios in Jeffersonville. He just loves us so much. I like that lady who gave her life savings.

She was going to donate it to the public library, but then she gave it to Charles Bronson. Do you remember that? No. And he wouldn't turn it down either. This was in the newspaper.

I like that guy. When we first moved to Louisville, this was going on. What? And the library was trying to contest her mental health. Charles Bronson's awesome.

And say that he wouldn't turn it down. No, he was gonna take it. He's like, I need, like. I'm sure she had. I'm sure the lady had her reasons.

I'm sure the lady. Had the crackdown. Okay, I need this lady's money. Come on. Maybe he just.

Wasn't earning enough money from his man boom club. This stuff's wrong. That's what makes it so right. If cracked is wrong, I don't want to be right. So could we call it a Bobby Brownie?

We love Bobby Brown so much. What's not to love? It's my prerogative if I want to call this the Bobby Brownie. Do you know one of his newer songs since then? Oh wait, you're done.

You can't go past Brody Canyon. The theme from Ghostbusters 2. And what after that? Every Little Step. I think that was before.

The theme from Hoodwinked 2. Was it really? No. Nobody would give him a job, man. Was it really?

I don't know. You could call Whitney Houston one of his hits. I'm sure he hit her at one point. I heard this interview with Norm MacDonald, who I kind of love, and he was talking about jokes because he depended on jokes because he's not one of those people who can just be funny. Like he was somewhere at some award show and He had his memorized word-for-word material.

And Sinbad was there. It all comes back to Sinbad. I love that guy's movies. Yeah, and Sinbad was just all relaxed and calm. And he's like, I need some socks.

You go with me to buy some socks. So he goes with Sinbad. They go to a store. And they go in. And there's nobody there.

But a lady comes out from the back. It takes her like a second to come out. And he buys socks. And they go back. And then they go on that night.

And Norm does his like word for word material. And then Sinbad goes out and says, what is it with these stores that sell socks? You go in there and there's nobody there. And the audience is like agreeing with him. Yeah.

And Norm was just like, what the fuck is this? What happened? But the joke I was I was remembering that was like the holy grail joke for him it was like it was a joke that what was it the setup and the punchline were as close to being the exact same thing as possible it's just you're just saying this is funny. He did that a lot on Saturday Night Live where he would say you know you. Know no that was the joke everybody.

Yeah just say it again yeah yeah So the joke was that Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts were getting divorced, they announced. And people close to the couple said the reason was because he's Lyle Lovett and she's Julia Roberts. I forgot that they were married. That's just so weird. Is she still married to that one guy that she had all those kids with?

The photographer? Yeah. I think so. Yeah, I think so. It was kind of sweet because once she was on Oprah and she was talking about how much she loved him, it was kind of almost believable.

It seemed legit. Yeah. Which is weird for any Hollywood relationship. Her timer went off. Yeah.

It's true. Or she could have just been a really good actress. I mean, you can argue all you want about finding her attractive or not, but she is. A good actress. I think she even used to be attractive.

Now I just haven't... I don't. Know what happened. She's kind of... Skinny.

I mean, she wasn't like, you know, super attractive, but man, she had that smile. Her smile was wider than her whole face. Her smile like went out. I think she'd be the type that once you got her completely away from anything that. Had to do with Hollywood.

And had sex with her. Well, no. I'm talking about you'd be sitting around. reading a book or something like that, I think she'd be infinitely more attractive in that situation than on television. I think she's more likable on that stuff, just like her as herself. As herself, yeah.

Was that the first of, like, America's Sweethearts? No, that was a horrible fucking movie. I never watched it. I never watched that movie. I mean.

It was on cable. That was like the. I saw it. I just sat there going, these are all people that have been good in other movies. What is going wrong with this?

Everybody that's in it, I'm like, I like these people in one role or another. What the fuck happened here? Is that Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell? Will Ferrell. Why?

And what's his name? I'm sure they've got, that's not Judd Apatow, is it? Probably. Wasn't he nominated for Best Screenplay? For what?

I'm trying to think what came out there. Bridesmaids. But I thought that was Kristen Wiig. Was Will Ferrell in that? Was he the bride?

Yeah, he was. I thought Kristen Wiig and her friend were the ones that wrote it. Okay. Yeah, I think you're probably right. But I'm trying to think.

There was something else that came out. It was probably his, because he's involved in fucking everything now. They don't make a comedy about it. I don't want to think about movies. Because that's the only thing they were up for.

He's pretty good. Was he involved in that. Paul Rudd thing? Just about every Paul Rudd thing he's involved in. Hopefully not that new crap.

Oh, yeah. I don't know. I want to see that. He's not actually that good. It's okay.

That new horrible one pairing him with Jennifer Aniston doesn't fix anything. Oh, the one where the preview is like, where's the funny part? Yeah. The whole time I just sat there going, this looks like... Oh, the hippie commune.

Yeah. Like the worst. It's like they throw out the punchlines of the scenes. Is it like an extension of My Idiot Brother? No, it's like a couple.

They wind up in a hippie commune. Oh, God. It sounds like the premise for that fucking movie is, like, Kirstie Alley. And Tim Allen. Oh, my God.

I think a Kirstie Alley, Tim Allen movie would kill me. They, like, end up in Amish land. You know, there's Amish women, though. I know. They're pretty hot, but they're kind of dirty.

You know who's really hot? Oh, wait. Witness. Witness. Witness was the hot Amish lady.

What's the movie with Patricia Arquette and Joseph Gordon-Levitt? I love that movie when I was a kid. Patricia Arquette. I remember, yeah. I don't remember what the hell it was, but I remember it being on cable.

I saw that for sale at a flea market or something the other day. I do know which one you're talking about. Yeah. She's like hiding. She like robbed a bank or something.

Wow. Hiding out the Amish version. Why would the Amish people just let you hang out there? Like they're Amish. They don't even let you use your cell phone in their presence.

Well, they do that thing like with teenagers where they have like six months. Or a year or something. Yeah. I was hearing this story by a guy who wrote a book called, uh, the Amish guide to fucking. And, um, is that a real book?

Yeah. I must buy that. Yeah. And, uh, And it was about he and his girlfriend had been together since, I think, high school, and they were like the stable couple that all their friends came to when they were upset. They just seemed more grown up than everybody else.

But then they were going to get married, but she thought before they got married, they had to have like an Amish break period where they saw other people so they'd know that, you know. And so they tried doing that for three months, and then they both agreed that three months wasn't long enough. Then they did it for another three months, and then they just sort of split up. Yeah, I mean, if you kind of have to be with other people to figure out if you want to be together, you probably don't want to be together. It's just code for, I want to fuck other people.

I need a good way out. This seems like the foot's. Out the door. Looking back on it, they thought really that You know, they really just needed to break up, but they couldn't. Right.

Because they were so comfortable with each other. And things were basically good that they couldn't make it happen without this excuse. Yeah. Like a transition. Yeah.

But he said the weirdest thing for him was, you know, because he had never dated. He said, if you want to have sex... Like, that night you just have to stay at a bar till four and lower your standards, and that's all there is to it. But the part he really enjoyed was just, like, seeing people's apartments. Because you just wind up, like, you go to somebody's apartment and here's their stuff.

Oh, and this is how you arrange your kitchenware, you know. Oh, you keep the forks on the left. Yeah. And this is what gets in my face. I'm not interested in your vagina.

I'm interested in your forks. So, like, you use a different sponge to wipe up countertops than the sponge you use to clean. Why? So how well does that cascade work on cleaning spots off your glasses? Yeah.

I just feel like I would be really, I don't know. You know, yeah, if you're going to put your penis inside of someone, at least you can know how they keep their fork. Yeah. Exactly. You kind of owe it to yourself.

Yeah. Really. How could you do it without knowing? Right. Yeah.

You kind of want to know that first. Right. I mean, that's one of those questions. Are they a person that is a multiple towel user or they use the same towel? You know.

To dry their hands and the body. Right. That's weird. And do they reuse that towel? Or do they fold or crumple when using toilet paper?

Yeah. Do you really want to know that firsthand? You know, if you're going to be doing weird stuff with a person. How weird? When you get to that point.

Well, when you're inserting parts of your body into another person, that's, I mean. Oh, it's not that big. Yeah, but that's a different process to me. The way you just described sex made me never. Yeah, you're mixing your bodily functions together.

Ew, you just make sex sound disgusting. Greg makes sex sound disgusting. Welcome back to Greg Makes Sex Sound Disgusting. The highest rated podcast in all of podcast history. Can that please be the title?

Yeah. I don't want anyone that ever has known me outside of this to know it. I don't know that anybody would download that. I don't think that's a good idea. My favorite podcast.

It's like the age to have the talk with your children. Just remember what you just did. Yeah, that'll put them off of it. Well, my daughter is very smart and asks a lot of questions. And she's eight, and she kept asking my wife, and they had to end up having the talk on a basic level.

And the other day, she was kind of revealing to me that they'd had that conversation. And she goes, yeah, it's just weird. I was like, yeah, it's a little weird, isn't it? You know, that's all we need. I don't want to go any deeper into that at all.

But she's like, yeah, it's just weird. Yeah, I had to do the talk with my kid. And, you know, my daughter and I can talk as much as she can stand. I mean, I don't care. I'll talk about anything.

But it was kind of tricky with my boy because I found myself like, really starting to try to give him advice based on my experience. Which I never try to do with anybody. It's really hard to do. And so it kind of came off sounding like a commercial for heterosexual monogamy. Right.

I'm like, I don't mean that. That's just the way things worked out for me. Right. And I don't even necessarily believe in that. I mean, I'm pretty sure I don't.

It's just the choice we made for ourselves as a... It's like not an institution of marriage or anything. It's just. We just wanted to have this kind of trust, this kind of relationship where we didn't hurt each other's feelings and stuff. And that's how all the math shook out.

But I'm not telling you you have to want that. I don't know. It was a nightmare to try to work it out and say anything worth saying. My mom just said... Did they show you a video at school?

I was like, you know. My number one reason for monogamy is I don't like people that much. It's just like, hey, baby, you know the only reason we're still together? I kind of hate everyone else. I just, I don't know.

I don't want to go through that awkward, creepy, weird. I don't know. A lot of guys I know, they go through maybe a year of their lives where magically, out of nowhere, they're. Interesting to women. And you don't.

Know why it happens or what's going on. And you look in the mirror and you're like, what? But all of a sudden, women are available to you. And that happened to me when I was 17. I knew another guy, a friend of mine.

It happened to him when he was 20. He's like, what the fuck is going on? He was sleeping with another student in college. He was sleeping with a professor. I don't know what's going on.

But it happened to me when I was 17. All of a sudden, like, women were interested in me. And I got so disgusted by it so fast. It just. And I really like women.

A lot. More than the average bear. You know, I really do. I never had any like, you know, I'm on the fence about this. No, I'm pretty clear.

Always have been. But it was like right before I met Lynn. And I just, I don't know. I don't like lots of, I wouldn't go to a, I wouldn't want to go. To a strip club where there are like lots of women.

Lots of women are not sexy. Yeah. You know, one. I can't handle you all in groups. Yeah.

Is that why there's only one girl here? I'm the only girl here? Yeah, we had a conversation about that. No, so that's what happened to me. And, you know, Lynn and I, we were hipsters.

We thought we were. Too cool to be jealous or stuff like, or possessive. But, you know, we were idiots anyway. We were. We were fucking idiots.

But we thought we were pretty cool, but, you know, things worked out. No, we play it fast and loose. No, no, we can't. Never mind. Never mind.

And I don't know if you've ever tried to have sex with two women at once. The math does not work. Right. That's one of those mythological fucking things. Right.

Well, I had a friend explain that to me once. He had said, well... You know, there was one girl and another guy. I knew both of them, and they had approached him. And I said, well, how was it?

He goes, leading up to it, it was fantastic. Yeah. And then very soon I realized that I was irrelevant. Yeah, yeah. Didn't matter anymore.

It was really, he said, I was the excuse. Yeah. So, yeah, that's like, I don't need to know where your forks are, where you keep your towels. Yeah. What kind of shampoo you use.

Are those people who. Buy sponges that are named on them for what their use is? You cannot have sex with those people. That's just crazy. They're going to try to tell you exactly where to put things.

They're going to tell you where to put parts of your body. It's going to sound disgusting and obsessive. It's going to be like OCD sex. Right. Oh, Lord.

Seven centimeters to the right. Or like, you know, those people who flip the light switch on and off and on and off. You don't want that in sex. No. You don't need OCD behavior.

Unless flipping the light on and off is really good. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Can you imagine Monk? Do I want to?

First of all, it's Tony Shalhoub. So there's that. He's a total Shalhoub. They always Shalhoub my favorite show. All right, we will take a break and be back with more of our Oscar shenanigans.

In a world torn apart by war and intolerance, one voice stood out. A voice that was strong. A voice that was inspiring. A voice that was sometimes hard to understand. I want to drive the truck!

I want to drive the truck! Askel, no! Be quiet! Vroom! Vroom!

Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! As if it wasn't enough that he was Jewish. I am sorry to say that your son is mentally retarded.

What does that mean, Doctor? It means. He'll never not be retarded. And as if it wasn't enough that he was Jewish and mentally retarded. Where is the wine?

He was an alcoholic. Oscar, no! You can't have that! I want more dizzy water! I want to play more, puppy.

Oscar, I have some bad news for you. Your puppy has cancer. And it took the death of his best friend to realize sometimes strength comes to us all. Ah! This holiday season, go for strength.

Go for inspiration. Go for Oscar Gold. Tweaked Audio, your source for high-performance, noise-reducing earbuds. Available in three styles and seven colors, durable and designed to sound great for both music and those chatty podcasts, like the one you're listening to now. Tweaked Audio earbuds come with a one-year warranty, And now there's a special deal for Movie Meltdown listeners.

Just go to tweakedaudio.com, and when you check out, enter the discount code MELTDOWN. Then you'll get 33% off and free shipping. Tweaked Audio. Sounds better. This is Anne Hathaway.

This is James Franco. Be sure to watch the Oscars. It's time for Sofa Theater. In the near future, in the shadow of Saturn's rings, stranded beneath the surface of the barren moon called Titan, scientists find the one thing they never expected. Is anybody here?

Was expecting. Oh, my God! And suddenly, those who had traveled across the galaxy had run out of space. Creature. Who wants to keep us here?

What's that? It's opened one of the doors. This thing is using it for food. It's using our own man to kill each other. Now!

Creature. It kills to live. And it lives to kill. Put your comfort supplicant. Let me tell you what I want.

What's the use of void of course? To be abused, make it worse. All right, and welcome back to Movie Meltdown Sofa Theater. And somewhere in the middle of that break, we found Steve wandering around the parking lot. I think he was still, like, kind of hungover from pork earlier.

I got the diabetes. It's okay. We saw it off a foot, and he's ready to go. He's fine. We love you people with diabetes.

Oh, Lord. All right. This week's Outer Space Adventure Sofa Theater feature is Creature. The year is 1985. The director, William Malone.

The plot, possibly, and this is saying a lot, one of the laziest IMDb plots. An expedition to Titan uncovers an alien being that goes on a rampage. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks for clearing up the plot for me.

I could have gotten that from the cover. Really? So, spoiler alert, if you haven't seen this. I feel like the Netflix breakdown of movies is more in-depth than that. Cerebral movies with a strong female lead.

Right. It tells more about that. It kind of does. So, spoiler alert, if you missed this in 85, we've been slacking, so. Yeah.

Although, truthfully, I just watched it, so it could very well happen, so. Go watch it now. Shh, don't tell them. Go watch it now and come back. Okay, you're back.

Yes, suckers. I loved this. This, before we even get to our discussion, the reason it was even on the list was because it was one of the premier video boxes that worked my brain. that box for years like i just remember the cheesy box art of the alien's face you know busted on out of the box it wasn't a 3d when it would only have been better if it were 3d or. Had light up eyes or something those are my favorite boxes. But this was close this was this was pretty high up there of cheesy vhs box art so little did i know how it was going to compare to the box.

Right just look at the box art for a few hours it's yeah it's pretty awesome. It was pixelated. The pirated copy of Invader Zim that I bought off of eBay five years ago and worked for maybe 38 seconds. Looked much better than that. That's because sometime after the release, the film fell into public domain.

Yeah, that's weird. And there are like a million. Bad VHS and DVD copies of it. I wonder how it fell into public domain. Usually it's just somebody didn't license something they were supposed to.

Didn't do what they go through the motions. Or the wrong title. It did have a title mixed up, right? Was it? See, that's why Night of the Living Dead is on public domain and everybody's had a million copies of it.

It's because they licensed an entirely different title and changed it after the paperwork was done and It got released under one title, but all the licensed stuff is under this movie that never happened. Well, since then, things are technically copyrighted when they're created now. Yeah. Just they are. But if you want to have offensive legal rights, you have to register it.

Back then, I think it was different. Probably. You had to make some effort. So right off the bat, I like when a movie reads to me. I love when they put the text on the screen and then they also read it to you.

I was like, yes, I don't have to read. So aside from that, do you want to take I've got more stuff going, but if you want to run with it first, I am. My first thought is, OK, we're about a minute in and man, these spacesuits already look a lot like Alien. We're a minute in and you're already seeing the rip-offs. But the helmets also looked a lot like Power Rangers.

They did. That would make them responsible for Power Rangers. That makes this a wonderful creation that spawned TV series and whatnot. This movie was much better in 1979 when it was called Alien. Yes, yes it was.

It really, really, really was. Except that actually had a very specific plot and... Interesting characters. It was a cerebral movie with a strong female lead. That one was.

This one was not. Honestly, after I watched it, I did not get that it was a cerebral movie with a strong female lead. Because it wasn't. It was not. I don't know if that's what Netflix told us about.

No, not this one. Netflix wouldn't recommend this one. This one was called. Klaus Kinski in space. Right.

It's got a whole category of Klaus Kinski in space. Klaus Kinski in space. You know, I will say he was... I was waiting for him to show up. I knew he was going to be there.

We all were. Other than Ferris Bueller's dad. Thank you. Ferris Bueller's dad. Going around in what looked like a sweatsuit.

He's going to go jogging. Just that look on his face. That hang dog look. That guy, I don't know. The whole movie I was distracted by, well, there's that guy.

That's true of all of them. As you get in, like you walk in that room and they're all sitting there. It's all like, oh, look who it is. Oh, look who it is. None of these people belong in space.

No. Because, yeah, I'm looking at him. I'm going, why does he look so familiar? Oh, shit, that's Paris' dad. Yep.

And then, oh, man, they go to all of them. Then you get to, like, that blonde girl's been in everything. Like, every TV series made from, like, the 80s till now, she is in. And still is. She's an American dad girl.

Yeah, she's Francine on American Dad. Oh, really? Yeah. So she's still. Working on TV.

She's come so far. Yeah, because she's much better. Because I actually like American Diamond. I do too. And she's pretty good on it.

I was not a big fan of Creature. Well, she did all right in it. I mean, it's not better than what it is. It's a knockoff movie. I had forgotten that kind of 80s.

Lead chick. Existed. And it's like, oh, remember that? They had the short, coiffed. Hair and a kind of semi-androgynous look.

It's space Final Girl, you know? It's like, we gotta have somebody still survive. But on top of that, what about the quintessential 80s guys that were all through this? Like, honestly. And there were little.

Nods to 80s fashion and what they were wearing. Like the little... I don't know. The mullet. The mullet was all through this picture.

Not just that. To me, I was just like. The creature had kind of an alien mullet. Okay. I'm sorry.

I hate to hijack, but the very first movie, the two. The two astronauts. The one guy is like, hey, come on, sit in this thing. The creature is moving. It's okay, sit on it.

And he actually pulls out. Like a point and click camera. You're astronauts. Couldn't it at least be a little bigger? No, it was pretty huge.

That was my thing. It was a point and click camera from 1969. In 1990, I had a Walkman that was five times that size. Oh, yeah. I don't know.

It seems like that camera should have been a little fancier if we were in the future. Assuming we weren't actually in 1985. But that was, to me, looking at the cast, that was almost the prerequisite for whatever this space program at work is. You've got to have a lot of hair. Right.

Not even like mullets or big or fat. Just like everybody just had all kinds of hair. Well, how.... You know, Diane Salinger was... attractive in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. That's what I was going to get to.

I mean, you know, you were like, oh, she's this French, you know... Not. To mention he had a kick-ass bike. Well, yeah. And there were giant dinosaurs in her.

She was this... Don't even get me started. She was about as unappetizing as you could get. Yeah, kind of. And she had a mullet.

That first sex scene, I think, was probably the most boring. Like, honestly. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, it got to her.

I dozed off. We get to Bryce. Bryce. I was just like. With the only one with a gun.

That was my same response was just like, hey, she looks kind. Of, oh, my God, is that Simone? So, yeah, then like the whole time. And it's weird because this is the same year. Like, this isn't even her before and her weird early days.

No, this is the same year she was Simone. This is 20 years before. I'm like, how could she be so, like, good and at least. Entertaining in Pee Wee and, like, so horrible in this? In the same span of time.

The power of a good director. It is. It obviously is. Apparently, yeah. And a budget.

Yeah. This had no budget. It's probably better if you know you're going to get a pretty sizable paycheck. But Pee Wee was. Still pretty minimal budget.

Yeah. I'm sure it was like one of his first movies. But Pee Wee's a pretty minimal budget, really. I mean, the most they spent was for his house and his toy. But this had maybe $ 30 of budget.

No, there was a little more. Really? Yeah. $ 34. 98. The same room was the computer room as the engineering room.

The ships were the same ship. What the hell are you saying? They did rent a couple of the leftovers from Alien. I'm pretty sure. And the ball on the front of the ship, didn't that look like the Death Star?

I don't know if anybody knows. No, yeah. Totally. I was watching and I'm just like, why did their escape. Pods Why does it look like the Death Star?

Because Star Wars was already out and you can steal stuff from it. I don't think. Anybody even wrote any dialogue. I think they just told them the situation and said, say stuff. What was up with the guy sleeping in the window?

He was reminiscing about home in Michigan or where was he from? I don't remember. It didn't matter. It doesn't matter. They were all very forgettable.

Hi. I guess you didn't expect to see me again. Where the hell have you been? I'm on board. The German ship.

Are you alright? I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm better than okay. Sorry I didn't tell anyone where I was going, but I had a feeling you might not let me try to.

Make it here. You got that right. How's your air supply holding up? We're almost out. Well, don't worry.

There's plenty over here. What was weird was the alien could latch onto somebody's head and work them like a puppet. And that was the most. Convincing acting in the movie was when the guy had. The creature and all of a sudden he kind of woke him up.

He's like, hey, yeah, everything's cool over here. Everything's fine. He's like, how come. There are no believable moments Until this space creature that apparently studied with Sanford Meisner or something latches onto your brain and starts to activate you. It's because the creature feeds off of bad acting.

I guess. Yeah, did you miss that in this conversation? Well, yeah, they got to that part and I was just like, isn't this just the brain slugs from Futurama? Yeah. Like, are they making fun of this movie with that?

It might be. That's my favorite, you know, little side plot that they threw. In the middle of Futurama, which is pretty damn entertaining anyway. But I always liked the brain slug. Which is pretty much what this is.

Like, you don't even get a creature until most of the movie is done. I didn't get the mechanics of the creature. Was the creature something else that was being taken control of? Because he said, what does. It was someone's collection of life.

Right. So there were many creatures, right? Yeah, so the brain slug creatures aren't the same as that. It's not like it is the total alien ripoff. Like, they're not mini versions of...

Then become that one? Again, they're kind of working with both of them. It's like they've got little creatures that attach themselves to you, like Alien. There's a big one that looks way too much like the alien at the end. There's lots of cobwebs everywhere for some reason.

And thunderstorms in space. A lot of thunderstorms. Down in a really deep hole. At that point, though, I really thought to myself, this is just like that episode of Invader Zim with the Snatchers where they keep splicing them with duct tape. Remember the little guy?

I've been spliced so many times, I don't even remember what I am. That was so much better than this movie. Well, Invader Zim is worlds better than this movie. Any episode. By the way, later on, I bought the DVD that I bought off of.

Legally. Yeah, legally. Totally clearing yourself. Piracy is bad. eBay defrauded me. I had no idea.

Yeah, you thought it was legally released. I totally did. Okay, you've cleared that up now. For the record, please don't come and get me. Well, Mr.

Hoffner, how did you get aboard? We hadn't noticed. If your spaceship was missing, I'd come in from the back. Whose clever idea was it anyway to. to land on the surface. Listen, let's not waste time talking to this guy.

Let's throw him out and. Save the air. Now, we all want the same thing, no? We want to take off this moon alive. Yes?

So I can help. Yeah? How's that? I know something you don't. I've seen what it is you are up against, and I have the way to destroy it.

So, yeah. I mean, this was one of those looking again at the box for years and hearing about it for years, I assumed that this was a Klaus Kinski feature. Like, this was his movie. And he was in it for... He's in space, and he's, like, leading the team and fighting the creature, and he had, like, two days' work, tops.

I had issues with the fact that he was a Nazi. Do we assume that he was a Nazi? No, he was in the army and he was captured. He was a captured Nazi. In space?

No, he really was. He was a real Nazi. He claims he gave himself up. He surrendered. But, you know, his biography is like a bunch of stories.

Isn't there a movie about Nazis in space? Yeah, it finally got made. That one we were gunning for. They were trying to get funding. I think it's actually out now.

It's just started making the scene. Is this a movie meltdown production? Do we have funding for a movie? I will certainly make a movie. If somebody wants to get that money rolling, I have ridiculous ideas.

It'll turn out horrible. I had an idea for a movie we could do. I sort of cast it and put it together. Yeah. Okay.

Again, as long as the funding comes in, I am all for this. Well, there's no money. That's the problem. Then we're making creatures. I think we might.

Be able to borrow a camera from school. I have access to a legit camera. I have, like, not a very legit camera, but we could make it anyway. It's a pretty high-end camera. You can make a.

You can make a movie. As long as you write it in, the reason why it's been filmed on an iPhone, I think it is totally permissible to make a movie entirely filmed on iPhones or droids. Chronicle. I think for me, the apotheosis of the badness of this movie, if you want to get to the core, there is the point, which is sort of the peak, when you realize that this guy is dead and the alien is controlling him, and suddenly he seems more alive, more credible as a guy. They say, well, now he doesn't seem all that broken up about her dying.

But yeah, but at least he seems like a human being now. And he says, I want to go home. Hey, guys, let's get out of here. Yeah, suddenly he seems sort of believable. But after that, I think it's the plan they hatch to lure. the alien out of the room with the girl.

I forget which girl is it. It doesn't matter. I don't know. The blonde girl from American dad. Okay.

So it's yeah. The blonde girl from American dad is in the room with the creature. They can't go in there and they. Hatch a plan. And, and as they do it, you know, they're kind of.

Taking their time. Right. You know, they're like, no, wait a minute. I've got an idea. There's gotta be another way into that room.

I'll go around. And look at me, I'm Ferris Bueller's dad. I mean, I look like I might go jogging on my way around to find a door. So he's going around, he's going to lure the. And it's just the quality. the intensity that is not there right there's no it's just amazing at all yeah it's just like what are we gonna do next in this movie is the feeling you get i've.

Got way bigger holes in the plot before we even get to the wrap-up there like unless i missed the scene was there like as they collapse into the dirt what the hell was that about but he told him not to park there but whatever it So, as they collapse in, like, did they damage things? They never really mention, like, they say, oh, we gotta do this, or we gotta see, but they didn't say, like, specifically, hey, we messed up this, we lost this, or whatever. So then as they get a little further in, and they're like, oh, we don't have enough oxygen! Why not? You were flying to Jupiter and you had to get home.

If you're almost out of oxygen and you're at Jupiter, how the fuck were you going to get home? I took the doors wide open in space. They're like, hey, let's go out here. We've got a garage door opener. Every door, every time it opens or closes, sounds like a laser gun from Star Wars.

Did you pay attention? It's like... Every door. In their defense, it was the 1980s and people weren't recycling yet. I mean, Laser Blaze probably has like... more high-tech scenery.

The one behind him was a pegboard, I'm pretty sure. It was just a piece of pegboard. It was painted gray, wasn't it? I was like, that's a pegboard. It was space pegboard.

It had dryer vent tubing going across the background of one. I was like, that's shiny dryer vent tubing. Space dryer vent tubing. I'm like, why'd you suck on that? That's probably got some oxygen in it.

Yeah, it's like getting poor. They had no. They had no oxygen. And then a couple scenes later, they're like, oh, we're almost out of power. They've got to get over to the German ship, which for some reason has loads of oxygen and power.

But it's been there forever. I'm like, why are you guys such idiots? The West Germans are way smarter than you. I don't know. I was just like, to me, unless they damaged it or something, they should have explained a reason, or they're just idiots for not packing enough when they left.

It just seemed to me like the reason they didn't explain what happened when they crashed is because the people making the movie hadn't decided yet where this was going. It's like, we'll get to that when we film it. The actors are probably going, so what happened when the ship crashed? Is that. We're on a need-to-know basis.

Bring that up later. After lunch. There's another scene missing. When Klaus Kinski shows up and he rapes Simone. He just touched her inappropriately.

Yeah, but it's borderline rape. It jumps. It doesn't just kind of transition. It jumps to the scene where they're all in, like, the... Hanging around.

Hanging around. And he's explaining things like he's just one of the guys. Who does he think he is? Chris Brown? Exactly.

But he has a Grammy, so... Yeah, that makes it okay. But, yeah, he just. How come they never gave Claus a Grammy? You know, where did you come from?

No, the door was open. Shut up. Again, why aren't the damn doors open? I thought I fell asleep in the middle of it. I missed part of it.

I stopped and maybe I just blinked. What? It's that fast. And he says the door was wide open in the back. But you have no air.

You left the door open. That's where all the oxygen went. You left the garage door open on the ship. At least partially in space. Even if it's not a total vacuum.

Wouldn't it be sucking things out the door or something? I mean, sure. I don't know how to say this. I BDM'd this movie and I found the writer's name and I clicked on it. Only thing he's ever done.

And it was just like, this was your one big thought. I shouldn't watch it all in one sitting. I watched some of it one night and then it's like, oh, I'll get back to this. It's, uh, No, I rented this like in high school or something. I don't remember.

Don't you think it was awesome? We turned it off. That's bad. It was that bad. You can't even entertain high school kids.

It was that bad. I think we got, yeah. And there were boobs in it. Right. What the hell?

But there were bloody boobs. Who wants to watch that? No, that's hot. Oh, maybe that's just me. Anyway, but no, that was my other thing.

There is an answer to this question. I was like, what is it with naked chicks in space? It's because nerds write all this stuff. How did they make it so boring? But yeah, as soon as they got that, I was like, is this around the same time as Life Force?

Yeah, it kind of was. It's like, naked chicks in space, that's all we need, and nerds get all excited. Well, it is, especially when you're a teenager, because it's like, how am I going to get this chick away from. Her friends and family? Get her out in space.

Or I can talk her into stuff. We're going to launch her into space. We're going to leave our garage. Space is like a nice little plan. We're almost out of oxygen.

We need to have sex. And this is why Brian's lured you here. I'm the only, like, female. Like. I said I was talking to him.

I mean, but I just... I don't remember it being that hard for guys to, like, see boobs for girls in high school. I mean, I don't... A few years younger than some people. Yeah, by the 80s it was still pretty difficult.

Was it really that hard? Yeah. You didn't have the internet. There was no internet. Well, I mean like real live boobs.

Oh, real live boobs? It's not that hard to get a teenage girl to take her shirt off. I keep trying. Really? It's not happening.

I hate to tell you. So, this is the next Marlena moment. Oh, yes it is! It is! Wait, a moment of silence, please.

All right. Do you want the intro? Okay, yeah. All right. And now it's time for a Marlena moment.

Speaking of teenager boobs, yesterday I had to take my comforters and my duvets to the locker mat because they don't fit in my apartment washing machine. This guy comes up to me, who I recognized and was trying to avoid. He used to be in a band with some douche that I work with. And he's like, excuse me, how long does it take this washer to run a cycle? And I'm like, I don't fucking know.

And he's like, you look really familiar. And I was like, did you work at the animal hospital? I was like, no. But this guy got arrested for having child pornography on his computer. Nice.

And his wife kicked him out of the house. And he lives in this giant bread truck. Which is just like. That's really creepy. I'm sorry, what?

He lives in a giant bread truck? He lives in a giant bread truck. Not a normal sized bread truck. He lives in a giant bread truck. Do you ever look up people you know on the sex offender registry?

I don't know. So he's inbred. Go on. He's inbred. He's inbred, yeah.

He's in the bread. Oh, God. But I just think, like, if you're going to be a sex offender, like, don't add to your, like, stigma. You know, it's just like. Don't ask people how long I cycle.

No, I just live in the bread truck. I know. I live in a giant bread truck. Yeah. But the day before, my best friend has to ride the bus to come to work.

And this creepy guy got on the bus, and he turned around, and he goes, hi, how are you? And she's like, I'm good. He's like, how old are you? She goes, I'm pushing 30. He goes, oh, never mind.

Wow. And she just was like, ha, ha, ha. This guy, she said he was probably in his mid-50s to late-50s. That's some creepy shit. Yeah.

He's inbred, though. You want to hear something else that's creepy about teens and. That was a weak highlight of my last story. No, it's creepy, but it was worth it for the inbred thing, right? I was hearing it from some.

Older lady who dates young guys. She has this theory that all the guys who have grown up with porn, or it's not a theory, it's based on her, I guess it's a theory based on her experience, all these guys have grown up now and they can all see porn. And they do. And they're really, really bad at sex because they're not bad the way like, oh, guys of my generation were because we didn't know anything. They're bad because they think they do and they're wrong.

Right. Which is a lot worse because, you know, they're not learning as they go. Right. They're not teachable. They watch porn.

They think they know what they're doing. Right. And they're horrible at it. Wait, I'm going to try this one thing I saw. Yeah.

And I just, for a moment when I read, I don't know, she wrote something about it. I read it. I was just overwhelmed by the sadness. It's just I had to walk it off. I didn't want to read any news headlines for the rest of the day.

It's like that's my dose of sad reality for the day. Is that like George and the counterclockwise swirl? I guess, yeah. Is it a swirl? The whole point is to swirl.

You can't be more than six inches different in height. You could seriously hurt someone. All right, creature. Creature. You know, there were a lot of....

Boredom for me for a sci-fi adventure yeah i i mean that's the thing i like cheesy low budget movies but. Even then like as much as i like like the bad ones that i've watched a lot of crap similar to this. On cable late at night you know over the years i'm. Just like yeah this looks kind of fun but yeah i was still. Kind of let down by it yeah.

I didn't think that was possible but in Yeah, it was pretty bleak. Speaking of porn, it almost was like it was set up to be a porn. Yeah. It wasn't. Well, even the love scene, they cop out on it.

That first point, I'm like, oh, okay, we got one of these kind of movies. They're going to work it in there. And then they cut before you even get to nudity there. So I was like, well, what are you doing? Now we're just watching this.

For the story? Something's gone horribly wrong. Oh, and then it gets. to the end and there's no spoiler alert because it's not fucking possible to spoil this movie but it's just so casual and TV size and it's like so where were you you were gone for hours I got lost. Oh man it's all. Like that I mean yeah well Before they even get to that, there's the movie line.

I was like, wait, did she just reference the thing? I'm pretty sure that's the movie. She's like, I saw this movie and I was like, okay, okay, wait a minute. I was like, unless you're the kind. Of movie that sort of takes place in.

A meta world, you know, if you're fucking Scream, that's cool, you know? But like, in this very serious... disconnected from the world as we know it, you can't all of a sudden go, I saw this movie once, and here's what they did. I was like, it's one way or the other. It's like you can't switch up and just throw that one line in in the middle. Of a regular.

Plot that's why I'm saying they didn't write dialogue for this movie people just had to make something up moment to moment. I was just like that's like to me I was like that's just lazy like they were just like well we. Don't want to come up with our own way to round this out. So let's just have her reference the way they did it in another much better movie I actually agree that's. The way Bollywood movies work there's almost like no script they just kind of ad-lib.

They're just like, whatever. We're doing this. Bravo. Well, this was a Bollywood movie, then. Yeah.

You know, I always. Speaking of Bollywood, I don't think I've ever brought it up on the show. I always thought that Gonzo was total shit in the Muppet movie. When they said. What are you doing?

He said, I've always wanted to go to Bombay, India to become a movie star. And they said, well, we're going to Hollywood. He goes, yeah, if you want to do it the easy way. I love gonzo so much i know. And i thought it was just some they were just goofing around but there was really some you know merit to what he was saying and you know.

And maybe not so much at the time i doubt the industry was near what it became by like the 90s but apparently you know they still have i'm sure they had it yeah you know movies. There so it's funny that uh I forgot it. Actually, I bought my niece Muppets in Space last week. Would have been great for her this. Week.

Muppets! She didn't get it at first, but then she just like, there's funny sounds. And then when Klaus Kemski came out, I was. Really confused by that. For that extended cameo.

I was still like the whole time. I was just like, really? Is he gone now? I was like, what the fuck? When he was eating, I wonder, I was like, is that his part of his pay for this?

Like he got the craft services. As much as you can cram in during this scene, you're good. Thanks for coming in, Klaus. It was, uh. And I like he's only got, like, two scenes, and yet they really go out of their way to make him a perv.

Right. Like, even when they go outside, he grabs their ass. Right. I was just like, what the hell is that? Like, how does any of this factor in?

Yeah, that wasn't scripted either. Probably not. Cross-improvising. He's just like, ah, that Simone's a hot piece of ass. I thought none of that made sense.

No, not at all. It was just creepy for no reason. And I swear, like, later on, when you get to him in the makeup, I guess we'll call it, whatever that look is later, I swear there's. One shot, I don't think it was even him. It looked like it was just a random extra with the same makeup on.

And I was just like, he wasn't even there that day. The craft services table wasn't there. He was like, fuck. This, I'm out of here. If I don't get to eat a sandwich, I'm not coming.

That's right. Someone's trying to contact us. Well, how come I'm not hearing anything? Well, because it's coming in on a European-assigned phase. Hold on a second, and I'll convert us.

So anyway, we mentioned the recycled-looking things in this. Like he was talking about they thought they stole stuff from Alien. No, actually Forbidden Planet. If you look up that info on it, the director is like a huge Forbidden Planet fan. Has tons of props and stuff he bought over the years.

And threw them into this movie. Wow. And I was like, well, see, again, I think this is part of the problem. I think I'm so much more forgiving with Forbidden Planet. And, you know, it's not like it's a masterpiece, but it's pretty damn good.

You know, it's pretty well put together. Again, it's a well-stolen script. They scammed it from another writer. And, you know, they. Again, it's some cheesy acting.

It's some silly special effects here and there, but... It's still a pretty damn good movie. And I don't know that I'm just more forgiving because of its age. To me, it's always like that. With the old cheesy sci-fi stuff we watch, it's like the older ones I just kind of enjoy for their cheesiness.

It's something about by the time you hit the 80s that you just don't buy it anymore. I don't know. It's the 80s. I didn't buy any of the 80s. Or maybe it's that.

It's just not believable. RoboCop still had a world that was believable. No, I don't mean movies. I mean the 80s. The 80s.

You still buy the 80s. There are a lot of 80s movies you can believe. I was thinking maybe it's that post-Star Wars thing, too. It's like we hit that where all of a sudden you took this big space opera thing and you kind of found a way to do both. I mean, it's sort of over the top and silly, but at the same time, they play it pretty straight.

It's got a decent budget. It sort of delivers on all those and finds that balance that you watch this kind of stuff after that and you're just like, well. This is just lame. I don't know. I'm not sure what the difference is between them.

I think that there is a lot that is stolen from Alien. Oh, definitely. Because you can see them thinking, okay, if we make the corridors dark, if we make the exterior dark, if we just hide what we're showing you, we can get. By on cheap. But that's not the case.

Yeah, it's funny how. Much of a difference you could tell, and a lot of that is budget and having the budget to afford a real cinematographer. Because we talked about that when we were. Talking about Aliens, and then we went back and Lucy had just watched Alien, and she was talking about the whole cinematography. Of it and the light and dark.

You know, everything is dark, but they find a way to light it so that you can see everything. Or they make the weird water and chains and all that stuff creepy and. Doesn't look cheesy anymore. You know, and it's not that different than what they're trying to do here, but it just goes horribly wrong here. Well, that's why the one actress is attractive in one project and then unattractive in the.

Other is because you have to be able to photograph people. Yeah, you're right. And not give her that hair. Yeah, and that's, you know, an actor is consciously relying on people to make them look good. And there are people who know how to do it.

I mean, they really do. I mean, you know, like Amy Sedaris said, lighting, it's the difference between lady, can I buy you a drink, or lady, can I call you a cab? Yes, it is. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I don't know. We've gotten to sort of the end of this one. So there's just, I mean, you were mentioning the door noises. So many of the other noises, like the lightning sounded like gunshots. Yes.

Yes. What the hell? Like normal guns, not like space laser guns. Like gang drive-bys are going by across the other side of this planet. Well, that's on Titan.

I mean, it sounds a little bit different. I guess. I think so. And then, well, all of them, because then you get that scene of the monster coming out of the hallway, and it's like creaky old house noises. I'm like, why is this monster not making monster noises?

He's just making creaky noises. Is it his. College humor skitters at a Saturday Night Live skit where it's like, in a world where guns don't sound like guns. Probably. I think it's college humor.

Probably college humor. I don't know. I thought that was all a mess, and then we get to, you were talking about Fred the hallway. Yeah. What?

So once they had this convoluted plan that they made up on the spot, and we're very casual about. So they get them in this hallway. They didn't rig anything. They didn't do anything extra. There's just somewhere a button that fires lightning down this hallway.

Is that what? That's just on the console. It's in the garage. We'll hit the blue lightning button, and there you go. It takes care of all your problems.

Once again, just like nothing is plotted or spelled out as to why it does anything. It's just conveniently, here's the next part of this plot. Well, the one part where she's trying to fix something that they had to go across everywhere to get. Who's the waffle iron? She just takes a screwdriver and jams it in a hole about five times.

And you're like, is this fixing anything? She kind of jams it and turns it. She's an engineer, damn it. Don't question her. Right.

And, like, she says something about circuits. Oh, okay, so we'll just believe you. Oh, yeah, we need to stab the circuits. Once you get technical and start talking circuits, I mean, shit. Right.

I like that these people are so far away from where the actual Oscars are taking place. All they have is snapshots. Right. The actors are actually close. They're about as close as we are.

Oh, my gosh. Who are sitting just feet away from the red carpet. Right. We are connected. Yeah.

And not really even watching it, but Dancy's Babel Grounds West. And I wonder why they have so many cue cards. Like, are there things in those cue cards? I don't know. They haven't looked at the cue cards once.

How many different tones of red are they going to have going on here? Oh, it's Busy Phillips. Yes. And Michelle Williams. It's a reunion.

The Dawson reunion. That's right. The later and even more sucky years. Yes. That's after she was on Freaks and Geeks.

Yeah, what did Busy Phillips do lately? She's on Cougar Town. Is she? Which is not as horrible a show as I expected, actually. Both of those girls were blonde.

What the hell is she? She looks like a velociraptor. What the fuck is that? I mean, she does, doesn't she? I love how the girl on the left has no ability to sit up straight.

She's got spina bifida or something. I love spina bifida. Hey, come in, dearie. And no one in the world is watching this stream except for us. That's the best part.

It's like we're providing like a DVD commentary with something nobody's watching. We are like the R. Kelly's of the Oscars. So then, I open the closet. What I want to know is have more people watched our stream of the Oscars or have more people watched Creature?

That would be the. Oh, Lord. Oh, shit. Okay, so then it's do you fire blue lightning down the hallway no so he gets real technical speaking of technical and pokes it once it's dead it's dead Are you a doctor or a scientist or what? I mean, what was this technical reasoning for thinking it's dead?

Because one girl was a doctor. The other girl was the. The technical chick. Yeah, the mechanic. Another girl was the...

Security. The security. What did these guys do? There were like five other guys that did nothing. Well, there's the captain guy.

Right. Ferris' dad is like the businessman. He's the Burke of this ship. He's there to screw people over. Although he doesn't, really.

Yeah, they know nothing. You know, yeah. Yeah. But the other guys, like the other random guys, I don't know what, like, Dreaming in the Window guy was supposed to be doing. They had no technical expertise in anything.

They were just there. They're like building maintenance guys. They're pushing a mop bucket around the space. They have to keep Steve around. He knows how to make the good coffee.

Sometimes that'll save your job. So, yeah, I don't know. Just like he pokes him. Oh, he's dead. I mean, not only would that not tell you it was dead if it were a person, but you don't know.

Anything about this life form. Right. Why not kick it out into space that you have available? Well, and then, like, so then that next scene went, guess what? He's not dead.

Spoiler alert. So it's not dead. Well, then Ferris' dad is fighting with it. They just happen to land directly on top of the door. Is that how that went?

We just, oops, happened exactly on the door. Door in the middle of the floor here feel free to drop us out into the space at what point was. It where they were back in the bulkhead or whatever and she'd gone out and they were supposed to be protecting her or whatever and you hear her screaming you know bloody murder screams top of her lungs and he's like did you hear that Oh, it was nothing. You're in space. There's three people on this ship.

There's something chasing after you. Who do you think it was? You're talking to the other guy. Anything else we need to cover on the creature here? Don't watch it.

There are a hundred other bad sci-fi movies. That you can enjoy for being bad. Yeah. There's nothing. And enjoy, like legitimately enjoy, not just acknowledge that it's bad.

Right. There was very little redeeming qualities about this at all. Yeah, there was nothing even to hate. Right. Yeah, it wasn't even like.

It's just like, oh, come on. It wasn't so bad that it was good. Again, it was just bad. Right. It came up to that point and backed off a little.

Yeah, it was sad. So, I don't know, I think they almost sum up their own movie with that last line, more or less, of, are we having fun yet? Yeah. I'm like, no, actually. It's like, it's bad to put that at the end of your movie, because the audience is going.

To answer for you. Well, and I really kind of wanted the creature to win. Yeah, kind of. So, and how did all of a sudden... They had a bomb...

That was supposed to blow up when it counted down. Or was it counting down to being armed? And it didn't go off? I guess. It didn't go off.

Oh, yes, it did. And then she shot it and it went off? Oh, yes, it did. Like a gun that wasn't effective? Oh, no, you didn't.

It didn't make any sense. Don't go to that planet, girlfriend. You tell them, Simone. Yeah, that scene was terrible. That line was terrible.

And how did she have enough oxygen to wander around for six hours in space? She hooked up with some German technology, I suppose. She got lost. She got lost. No.

You think I wouldn't have, once we got the ship started, I wouldn't have just killed her for being inept? No. Oh. All right, I say we take a break and come back with more of this crazy coverage. I've been growing for so long.

This twisted tale I told makes me feel so wrong. The speaker speaks of the weaker. Preacher's preacher teach this teacher to feature this creature. You created this creature. You created this creature.

Hi, everybody. I'm Steve Martin. Be sure to watch this year's Oscars. Big stars, big movies. I can't wait.

Hi, this is Louis Gossett Jr. This is Movie Meltdown. One man, one goal. One mission, one heart, one soul. Just one solution, one flash of light.

Live this Sunday, celebrate the biggest entertainment event of the year with two incredible hosts. Hi, I'm Alec Baldwin. Hi, I'm Steve Martin. We just don't want to. Change the past.

If you fuck up the space time continuum, I swear to God. My eye is twitching. It's really awkward. Did you not get enough sleep? I never do.

It's mine. Whenever I don't get enough sleep, mine just starts to do this. It's all the pork. Pork. Pork spasm.

I'm having a pork spasm in my eye. Pork spasm. Pork spasm. It's when you're fucking a pig, right? It's a pork spasm.

Wow. That's legal in this state. Come on. If we have access to the time-space continuum, can we go back two minutes and pretend you never said that? I'll say it again, so it won't really do you any good.

Okay, can you handle something for me? I needed people that I've never asked this before. Many years ago, maybe I did bring this up once. They were talking about the, I worked with a maintenance crew, and they were talking about the Love You dolls, which is a blow-up doll that's a, you know, a you, not a human. A what?

A sheep. So it's a love you doll. Love you. No, they made a doll of you. We assumed you knew.

Remember when you were doing that mold that you were like, what is this for again? Don't you worry about it. Now that you mention it. It's for you. I said at the time, I said, well, check the anatomy because at least it can be female.

And they all just were flabbergasted at the fact that it mattered to me and i kind of. Am right now actually i'm just thinking you know what. If you're gonna fuck a goat or a. Sheep or whatever i'd be picky yeah honestly why does it have to matter i. Think the point was for me at that point it is.

Not that I have any problem with the sodomy end of it. The sodomy end of it? In fact, that part is really good. For the record, he likes the butt. Yeah, okay, continue.

But what I'm saying is, at least you don't have two taboos. Thrown at you. How is that not making it hotter? And you can at least have. um you know you could like pretend it was still you know the female anatomy. So i'm you know i'm into bestiality but i'm not gay all right let's get that straight.

Actually hold on let's go back to that line of thought he has an interesting point because more than likely and pardon me if i'm stereotyping i don't know white guys um Who. Happen to wear white hoods. But chances are, if. You're racist from the deep south, maybe in the KKK, you might be fucking a goat and you don't want to be gay. Yeah, there's probably a lot of people that fall into that situation.

You know, it was tongue-in-cheek for me to have said it, but they said how stupid of me that it mattered. And I was like, what? Well, your response should have been, look, look, look. You're the one talking about fucking sheep. If I'm fucking a sheep, it's on. for procreation, all right?

I'm not trying to get off and do anything weird. It's only, you know, like the Bible says, only to procreate. And that's how the goat man of Alcatraz. No, not Alcatraz. The Trestles.

The J-Town Trestles. The only non-sexual goat man in the United States. The only non-sexual goat man. He has a t-shirt. I'm the only non-sexual.

But it's written in goat, so you can't read it. He's got a timeshare with the Jersey Devils. And that alphabet, the F comes after the G. So we're in goat alphabetical order. And this ties into a movie.

Well, wait, that was a callback. I was watching something yesterday that this conversation happened in. And it's killing me. Were you in hell somewhere? Yeah.

I think. Was there something on The Office or something? I don't know. I was watching. We are way better than The Office.

I'm sorry. I don't know. Actually, the new season is looking kind of interesting. I don't know. They had an off year.

I think it's because I work in an office. I just look at it and I'm like. My point originally was, and I was much younger, I was 18 when this occurred. I still said, at least the first conversation about. The love you call.

When we started this conversation right now. It was, at least if you were having intercourse with the female, it would be using it for its intended purpose. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yes, goat fucking.

Sheep fucking, as it were. The dual taboo. I don't think. The intended purpose is for you to have sex. With a goat.

Well, that's where you and I differ. I think the intended purpose is because goats are delicious. Wow. Okay, I'm just going to drop it because no one's ever. I'm thinking of pig.

I'm thinking of pig fucking. Because pig fucking, it doesn't matter which orifice you use. Exactly. You know, pigs don't really care. Look at babe.

Don't not babe though. He's different. I'm sorry I ever brought it up. Fuck it, I'm out of here. And with that, you've creeped out Steve and he's leaving.

Fuck, you know I'm leaving. You people are awful. That's true. You know what? It's important after we watch Creature that there is at least some convincing acting involved.

Well, when does it start? I think it was Marlena's moment. We are in their world. I was curious why these girls were slightly less attractive and less well-dressed than most girls that covered the runway. It's because it's not really like E!

News or like ABC. It's lame internet. It's basically what we're doing. They're set up in a bagel shop. We're way cooler than these two losers.

That girl on the right didn't even get her hair done. Her lipstick is totally wrong. It's got this orange tone to it. Teen Choice Awards? They just handed her a surfboard.

Hold on. Best Supporting Female. Not actress, just female. Out of all the cast, crew, the producers. She's the best.

Most supportive. Where's the best extra award? They should really have that. 14th guy on the right. There are some people who are really good at that.

And there are people who are horrible. And you can't even figure out why they're so horrible. They just ruin the scene. All you have to do is stand there and you're failing. There's a woman that's been on at least two episodes of How I Met Your Mother in the bar.

And I think they probably filmed it on the same day, but it was different episodes. So they kept the same extras. And every time they're looking over Ted's shoulder with her in the booth behind him, she'll look directly at the camera. She'll be talking to the person across from her and look and smile at the camera and then go right back to it. So worst extra award goes to her?

Right. I'm calling you out right here. You know who you are. And it's almost like she's saying, Hi, Mom, right there on camera. In Paris, Texas, when he pulls into town to find Natasha Kinski, And for some reason there's a shot of the car pulling in and parking.

And in the building behind him, up in a window, somebody waves. Nice. Yeah. And there's in Zeffirelli's Hamlet with Mel Gibson, when they're doing the play within the play, but they're just doing the little comic stuff, there's a woman in the audience who just laughs. And you can see her whole life in that moment.

She's the greatest extra in any movie I've ever seen. Did you see your girl on the stream there, Brian, a second ago? Oh, yeah. I was distracted. I wasn't really listening to what you were saying.

Selena was on the screen. I mean, seriously, what's wrong with this girl? It's just like she's never seen a curling iron before. That is kind of a scraggly look. It's horrible.

Oh, there's the snarky comments we're known for. You know what's really funny? It's like her job to make snarky comments, and then we're like second-hand snarky comments. This is like a meta snarky comment. We're circling back around.

What's with the Superman-colored outfit? Right. And her red shirt does not go with her red hair. I love to wear red shirts with my red hair. Sorry.

You've done it all wrong. Shut up. No, it's okay. I want to hope that I pull it off a little better than she does. Some of those work when they're not supposed to.

I like his glasses. Who the hell is it, though? I can't tell from here. I'm getting a Richard Gere vibe from him. But it's not him.

It's that distinguished older man look. It's that practicing rapist. I mean, Buddhist. Which is it? He's a practicing.

Hey, that hamster was asking for it. Come on now. That's rude. No, actually, that was from an SNL skit the year, and it was a really good one, and it was like negative ad. Campaigns for the Oscars.

And it was Frida saying, Was up against Chicago, I guess. Probably right. And so she was coming on and she was saying things like, you know, and Richard Gere is a practicing rapist. Well, that was an error. I meant Buddhist.

That was a really funny bet. Voting for Hayek. Voting for Frida. Wow, she's so much taller than he is. It's kind of awkward.

Is that Natalie Portman? That's Natalie Portman. Yeah. Here's a photograph of Natalie Portman. It's from two years ago.

We're just thumbing through an Us magazine at this point. See, that's Michelle Williams. She wasn't wearing that today. Yeah, so we're talking to a photograph of Michelle Williams. Wait, this is like our coverage.

The old Conan episodes when they had the mouth. The living lips. Yeah, how's it going? I'm Bill Clinton. That's what we should just do with our Oscar coverage.

Oh, that would be great. Is she wearing poison ivy on her boobs? That was from years ago. Yeah, that was when she got her crazy Oscar. They don't even.

Have access to this year's Oscar. Where am I from four years ago's Red Carpet? We're filming at my dentist's office. We've got some magazines here. It looks like a dentist's office.

Well, not that. What dentist do you go to? No, that looks like my pediatrician. No, it was the other place where they're sitting on the two sides. That looks like a dentist.

Yeah, here we go. It's a dentist office. Look at that stack of magazines. It looks like they broke. Into the set for the Nate Berkus show.

They wish. Right. It wouldn't look that gaudy. That's true. Oscars.

Gwyneth Paltrow. And is that information that's blacked out? That's her address. Right. Yeah.

Those are like the vulgar. Comments on some online thing. It looks like the comments on Twitter feed. Green and Paltrow is a dumbass. Love it.

I fucking hate it. Let's call that 85%. Johnny 85. I'd fuck that. This is how most comments see sections go.

I'd hit that twice. This is why you can't show things on the internet on television. I'd let him punch me in the face any day. Oh, God. Like 400 comments of that.

I want to go punch those women in the face. I'm so sad for our society. Oh, man. I forget. posted something on Facebook and it was like Apparently this girl had complained about a prayer being, like the Lord's Prayer being posted at school. And like the Twitter feed about it was like, I'm going to fucking rape that bitch.

And it was like, that atheist motherfucker is going to go to hell. And God's going to ass fuck her with that banner. Oh, charming. Wow. I love the world.

I love Christianity. It's a wonderful place, isn't it? It's magical. Oh, at least now her lipstick matches something for a minute. I really have to go.

Yes, it's a hour and a half later than you said. Alright, Marlena's out of here, so do your special Oscar wave. Is it like the queen wave? I don't really. Do your Oscar dance.

Is it the Angelina Jolie thing? Yeah, show your leg. That's not an Angelina face. Wait a minute. There was this meme on Facebook and it was like, how girls think they look.

It has a picture of Angelina Jolie. And what they look like. That's most of my scene. Mummy? Yes, dear.

Mummy, I want to hear some of Nick Tan's wonderful songs. Do you, dear? Yes, Mummy. What can I do? Well, dear, you can go to www.nictan.co.uk.

Will there be details of his gigs there too, Mummy? Yes, dear. Will there be pictures of him and his instruments? Yes. Oh, Mummy, please say yes.

Yes, dear. Will there be widgets, too, to click on? You know, those ones that link to his blogs and his podcasts? Yes, dear. And links to his friends' websites, too?

Yes, dear. Mummy? Yes, dear. Are there links to simply everything that Nick Tan does there? Yes, dear.

What was the address again, mummy dearest? www.nictan.co.uk Oh, thank you, mummy. Thank you so very much. As you know, this program has a history in the past of running a tad too long. But this year, our producer Howard Koch assured me that this program tonight is going to be fast-paced and will end exactly on schedule. But I wouldn't go by Howard.

Um.... Last month he bought a summer home on Washington's Mount St. Helens, so his timing may be a little suspect. It's part of your problem, you know. You haven't seen enough movies.

All of life's riddles are answered in the movies. And now, on with the show. I think my feet just look down and turn. No, that's the way it's starting again. Toby, Toby, I'm on the wall.

Toby, you're my own wall. A tribute in the ground. Take it to the wall. All right, so we've ditched Marlena and Steve so we can move on and get the really good stuff going now. Lost those slackers.

I thought they'd never leave. No, really? God. All right, so we're back with the rest of the Meltdown Awards. Once again, all the voting is provided by the Movie Meltdown Secret Circle.

And if you want to hear the official information on tabulating the votes, go back and listen to last week's episode. Okay, let's see. We left off. We were at Category 9 is Best Villain. Ooh, dastardly.

So once again, this one actually has a winner, and I think I've even mentioned this last week, that this was sort of one of the more impressive semi-villain roles I've seen lately. Albert Brooks in Drive. Very unexpected from him, and yet still plays it pretty well. We had several for that. We also had votes for Red Skull and Captain America, which turned out to be a lot better than I...

Again, that one could have gone really cheesy, and it didn't. And I think the actor kind of helped elevate that. But yeah, it ended up being a lot better than I expected. This one I like. Um.

Justin Bieber in Never Say Never. Oh, that's funny. And then Reverend Cooper in Red State, which I still haven't gotten to see yet. Yeah, that's worth seeing. Talk to Netflix on that.

Oh, did they not make it unavailable? I don't know. It wasn't working that first time, and I still haven't had a chance to go back. Yeah, every now and then I've got one that says, Will not play at this time. We're having trouble playing it.

But, yep, Albert Brooks and Drive. I can't argue with that. He was really good in that. I like Albert Brooks. He's one of those, and that's the thing.

Even in comedy, he almost was a little too familiar sometimes. I think that's why I like this so much. Like, I like him as a person, but then they would throw him in movies, and a lot of times he would end up being that same guy. So I think that's why I was so happy to see him in Drive, because it's not what he always does. There's a touch of it.

There's just enough that it kind of suckers you in, and you feel okay with his character, but you know something's not right, and you know things are not going to go well, so... Yeah, I think that was my favorite part, that it's just different enough. Out of him. The next category is Best Monster. I thought it was pretty fun.

Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber, never say never. No, we have... This one we don't have a specific winner, but I don't know, there's one I'm definitely leaning towards. We have Trolls and Troll Hunter.

You know what? Well, anyway.... Oh, Super 8. I kind of figured that one was coming. It's all right.

Aliens in Attack the Block. I got to say, I really ended up liking them. As much as that, again, could have gone really bad, I ended up liking those creatures. I think the effects that they used, you know, it was... On a budget, but I don't think it suffered from it.

I think it still ended up looking pretty good. So I'm kind of sold with that one. Yeah. Is that, there were no clear winner on that one? No.

That one was just. So are you going to decide? I think I gave it to a. Unless you guys have other options. Decide.

I'm leaning towards it. Go ahead. Yeah. I'm sold on the aliens and attack the block. So they were pretty awesome.

Oh, let's see. This I thought was fun. The best or worst, depending on how you look at it, product placement in a 2011 film. Okay. So we have Chronicle with Pringles and Pepsi featured in a bit.

Obnoxious. We have Kodak in Super 8. Yeah, but that seems, that's fair. That one's pretty, yeah, I thought that was pretty minimal, really. Yeah.

This one is the one I kind of expected everybody to put. Everything and Thor. Thor got a lot of hype for being massively product placement. But, I don't know. I'm leaning towards the final one here.

Zookeeper. Zookeeper, they drive to TGI Fridays with the animal and go... I mean, the whole thing is centered around going to Fridays. I just... Oh, man.

Yeah, and he says... I had to see that one. And how they... Talk about it being the best place in the world. Yeah, it just seems obnoxious.

You know, there were more. I remember as soon as you said zookeeper, there are more product. Placement moments in it. But I don't remember them all. So, yeah, I think that's the most obnoxious one.

Not remembering product placements is the best revenge. That's what I'm thinking. No, definitely. Intentionally buying their competitors' product is the best revenge. When I saw the Facebook movie, I had to look up, I looked up online, I Googled, how does Facebook make money?

And then I read this thing about how it's ads, and I'm like, there are ads on Facebook? Yeah. Because they have become completely invisible to me. Now, I. Oh, look, yeah, there I am.

I don't pay attention to. Every once in a while. I found a way to shut them off. Every once in a while, one will catch me off guard as to what it is, and then I'll be like, wait, what does that say? But, yeah, a good 90% of the time.

They're so good at gathering information, how come I never see any fucking thing I want? I mean, that wouldn't be a terrible thing if they would show me shit I want, but they can't seem to do it. All right, the next one I figured is right up our alley. All right. This is...

Forget their impressive acting skills. Hottest actor or actress in a 2011 film. All right. I was like, yeah, let's just go straight to the superficial. That's how we roll.

Yeah. So, yeah, we have. One I think they're being a smartass. Somebody here put Tara Patrick. Yes, I know this person watches a lot of porn, but I don't know if I'm going to.

And then, well, first of all, I recognize the name, but. Obviously, my porn isn't her porn because I was like, I don't even remember what the hell she looks like. So I looked her up. I was like, eh, I don't get it. I mean, I get what she's selling.

I see her assets, but as far as being genuinely attractive, eh, I'm not sold on her. She is half Thai, so that's kind of cool in this show because it's almost the exact same story, so it sounded like, but yeah. I thought that was interesting. But other than that, yeah, it wasn't all that sold on her visually. The other three, I can't argue with any of them.

I'm leaning towards one, especially on this show. One is Amber Heard. Nice. She's kind of a favorite as the show goes, so it's hard not going with that one. But this one's kind of up and coming.

Imogene Poots from Fright Night. She's ridiculously hot in that movie. I'm not going to argue that. I didn't see Fright Night, so. Yeah.

You know. She's, and again, it's one of those, I guess it's kind of weird, because I don't remember seeing her and stuff in the middle, and the last thing I saw her in, she was still kind of a kid. Yeah. So it's really kind of weird now. That's hard.

But I can't argue the fact that she's ridiculously hot now. Like, she's grown up, she's an adult, and she's ridiculously hot. Just when you think you're not a pedophile... Some new young actress comes along. Once she's 18, you can't argue anything.

Yeah, but once she's 18, but you still watch her when she's 14, that's. The crazy part. You can't prove that. Actually, I think with the new Google privacy changes, yes. We're going to have to stop the show now.

I have to go take care of something. Yeah. They go back through your entire history. I'm fucked. I only searched for one thing one day, and now it keeps coming up there.

It was just idle curiosity. I wanted to know. I had a question. If ever anybody types an H. It's right there.

What are you looking up for? What starts with H? I don't know. So the other option is Emma Watson. You know, kind of the same thing.

I was like... It's creepy. It is, but she's really pretty now. She is. She's become a woman in front of our eyes over the span of a hell of a lot of movies.

You know, what's strange is when I did first see Lemony Snicket's, and I go, she's going to be attractive. Yeah. And that's the weird part. It's like you feel weird when you go... When you look back, you look back five years later.

Yeah, that's right. I think that, well, I think there's a different mode that's not so creepy. That is sort of, it's, it kind of is that thing with Emma Watson. I'm like, she's just really pretty, you know? It's like, I think as a person in general, I think most girls do that in general.

So it's not even a pervy guy thing. I think girls do that. Marlena was here. I'm sure she would tell you who is or isn't pretty on the Oscars right now. Right.

No. I think you can do that. And I think there is a setting back from being pervy that, you know, you're just acknowledging the fact that, you know, someone is not horrible looking. They've actually turned out to be quite attractive. But it's a fine line, I suppose.

The older she gets, the more attractive Michelle Williams gets to me. And I know a lot of people don't like that. All right. I don't say you can't like her. I think people who can act get attractiveness points.

Sometimes. I give more personality points, I think, than anything. If I feel like I like them as a person, I think they get way more points from me. I think that's her biggest problem is you don't get anything of who she is. Which one?

Michelle Williams? Yeah. I've never gotten, and I've seen her in a lot of stuff, and I'm just like, you still never get any idea of who she is at all. Right. I don't know.

So, yeah, we'll just, across the board, those other three are hot. I'm not going to argue any of them. If we're leaning towards one, you know, we've got a history with Amber Heard. Somebody on our show has a crush on her, and it's not me. Right.

It's one of the females, so what are you going to do with that? All right, so I thought this... I'm thinking, what will I do with that? Use it later. Okay.

I figured this one needed to happen. Worst talking animal movie of 2011. Zookeeper. We do have an answer, but first I do like the first answer. Fuck them all.

And in parentheses, and double to anything with Eddie Murphy in it. I don't even think he did one in this year, but you get bonus points just for referencing him because he did several, and they were horrible. I think, is there another one coming up? No, there's a movie about him not being able to talk. Oh, God.

I give up. Yeah. So he has, it's like Dr. Dolittle, but he has laryngitis with the animals. He has only so many number of words he can say the rest of his life.

Or something like that. Oh, God. Sounds ridiculous. That sounds like a concept comedy. That sounds like Liar Liar done a little different.

Yeah. Or Yes Man done a little different. Wait, haven't we already done that movie twice now with Jim Carrey? Let's do it some more and. Throw Eddie Murphy in the middle of it.

Okay, so yeah, we have another one that says, does Smurfs count? Yeah, because that sucked too. So I'll allow that one, but we already got several votes for For Zookeeper, you can't argue Zookeeper. It's like a couple in a row already. You know, looking completely objectively, it was not a horrible movie for what it was.

For a family comedy, it wasn't bad. I saw someone I know. Go for several minutes. into how excited they were after they saw that. Ad on tv for that movie and how much they were looking forward to seeing that and i i just kind of sat there like dumbfounded like i i mean they're being. Genuine they're not you know they're not being a smart.

Ass like i always am so i don't know how to respond to that with something that to me seems so stupid but You know, what are you going to do? It's like people, if they genuinely like it, fine. I can't knock it. I mean, I don't want people telling me what I can't see because they think it's stupid because I'm sure most people think what I like is stupid. So what I found funny about it.

Was the fact that they put Rosario Dawson in a hat and a brown shirt, you know, and less makeup. And she was supposed to be unattractive and awkward. Yeah boy yeah i love when they do that and and then you know they put a dress on her and her hair's down and put makeup on her and he's like oh my god this is the first time i've seen you this way yeah yeah. Is that just her because i mean that was basically the entire setup for clerks too right it's like he's sitting there with her the whole time but dating this horrible woman And then all of a sudden he's like, oh, man, look what I just noticed. You're right here.

It's like, is Rosario Dawson, what the fuck are you doing? Pay attention, you jackass. Rosario Dawson looks a little bit like every woman I've ever cared about at all. She just looks a little like everybody that you've ever taken an interest in of the female persuasion. And you know what?

She looks. Again, about her personality, she looks really cool. What I've seen of her, she seems pretty damn cool. On board with Rosario Dawson. Yeah, she's totally hot.

But yeah, that was the funny part. I was like, you mean he isn't noticing that she's attractive? Man, if you put glasses on her, she's invisible. Right. Oh, movies.

And Kevin James would pass that up. Yeah. Because a guy like that, you know, he has his pick of women. No offense. I don't even hate Kevin James.

I just hate the movies they make him end up in. They keep giving him this stuff. I think it's Adam Sandler. I couldn't. I mean, yeah.

If I were him, the kind of money they throw at him at these last couple of movies, I wouldn't be turning him down either. So I can't blame him. But, yeah, I wish they would stop putting him in stupid movies. Well, I mean, The Mall Cop was like one of the longest runs of number one. for a long time. Probably one of the longest ones that sat in theaters.

I mean, you don't get more than about three weeks in a theater these days. So yeah, it's amazing. Once again, that's our society so uh the next one is and i again i thought this was a good category the 2011 movie you expected to hate but ended up enjoying i thought that i i'm finding a few of those along the way. So um see what did i expect to hate i expected to hate the hell but uh I hate it, and I think some of the criticism of it is overblown. It kind of is that kind of movie, but when you compare it to some of the cross-cultural male fantasy-driven movies, it's really not nearly as bad.

It's really not. I'm still boycotting it, so, in my brain. Yeah. Well, it's not great. Yeah.

But some of the criticism against it is really overwrought. Well, the options we have are Killer Elite, which, again, I don't think I have low expectations on that one. I think I was sort of middle of the road on the movie, and I was sold on the cast. So that was sort of a middle range for me. Limitless?

I'm still not sure. I still haven't bothered to watch it. I did watch it, and... Yeah, it. It was, because when I first saw the preview, I thought, this is going to be trash.

Yeah. It was all right. And unfortunately, I heard a lot of praise for it. And so that's when I went out and watched it, and I was like, oh. And so it's kind of yes and no.

You know, my initial reaction was, it's going to suck. Yeah. But it wasn't as good as what people said it was going to be. And I think if any of them actually fit, well, no, we got the... This one, but I was not convinced I was going to hate it.

I was convinced it was probably going to be terrible, and I was really going to like it. And I was right. Drive Angry. Oh, yeah. I had a lot of fun with Drive Angry.

It was kind of fun. I'm not going to pretend it's a good movie, but I had a lot of fun with it. I just, I guess from what I heard, I never really expected to hate it. Yeah, that was my thing. I thought it looked like it was going to be bad, but kind of an epic good-bad.

And it was. Everything about it fell right in. That's kind of how I heard of it, was that it was kind of good, bad, so I didn't really expect to hate it. Again, that's more of a misleading trailer because they really don't clue into what all is going on in that movie. And you get midway into watching it and went, whoa, where did all this stuff come from?

And then I ended up kind of liking that even more than if it were just a normal, boring revenge flick. I liked the weird extra angle. By now, you've probably all seen it, but I won't go into it. So, yeah, it was a lot of fun for a dumb movie. I'm almost citing for the one that I really legitimately expected to not like, ended up really liking, the Thing prequel.

No. It was, I mean, yeah, we'll talk about going in with a bad attitude and being surprised how well They put it together and did a pretty good companion piece. Sort of tied it to the other one relatively well. What about the Planet of the Apes? Anybody mention that?

No. But again, that's kind of the one I was thinking. When I thought of it, I figured a lot of people would come through with Planet of the Apes. People forgot that early for us. Because it blew over so fast that everybody was saying, no, it's all right.

Like I said before, I've never seen one do a turnaround like that. I mean, everybody hated the trailer, and that next week, you know, once it opened that weekend, everybody loved it, like across the board. It's, yeah, it's amazing. Everybody forgot that. And then everybody forgot because they didn't mention it on this.

But, yeah, I'm siding with the Thing prequel. That one caught me off guard how much I liked it. Did you have the converse of that, movies that you expected but disappointed? Disappointed. No, do you have one?

I just was interested. That's so many at this point. I expected to like Drive more than I did, but just by sort of a margin. I think I've just, I'd heard way too many people talk about that one to almost not even have an unbiased opinion, period. I didn't really hate it, but there are parts of it that I think are not very good.

And overall, it's just, it's not a big movie. I think, yeah, I think I liked it, but I don't know that it was... great. You know, it was like, it was a good movie and it had some great performances, but yeah, I, I, I don't know. I don't think I was sold as it as a whole. It was good.

It just wasn't like the best movie. Yeah. I don't know about others. I, um, I think it's something that I expected to like bridesmaids and I kind of liked it. Yeah.

What are the, Oh, uh, midnight in Paris. I, I actually didn't see that. I expected to like that more than I did. I have low expectations, and movie lovers would probably hate me for it, but I expect very little out of him. I think he's gotten a lot of that in the last 15 years.

He let a lot of people down with a lot of his movies. What I didn't understand is why. People were talking like this. It was like, oh, is he back? Is he back in form?

Has he done something new? Nobody's really liked anything in 15 years or more. There's no reason to. Really. I mean, I don't even know why he bothers to write his own stuff.

Because everybody knows what Woody Allen stuff is. He could hire writers to do Woody Allen stuff. And they'd probably bring more energy to it. From that, I mean, I would say, having seen it, I did like it. Again, I didn't love it, but it's exactly what I expected.

It's like, it's Woody Allen dialogue. I will give him credit now that he's stepped out of the way. I think it goes better. I like it with him not delivering it. I mean, it still kind of sounds like it, but I will also give Lucy credit because she said when she watched it and I hadn't seen it yet, she said she thought Owen Wilson, she said she thought he was probably the most natural delivering character Woody Allen dialogue.

I think she's right. It doesn't seem forced. I can still hear Woody Allen in there, but I can also see it naturally sort of fumbling out of Owen Wilson. But it's more of a West Coast fumble. Yeah.

He has like a comparable fumble, but instead of an East Coast fumble, it's a West Coast fumble. Yeah, so I think she was right on that one. It definitely plays better from him than just about anybody else that's sort of stepped into that role in the last few years. I was just surprised because I thought there was going to be something newish about it, but it's like formula. Woody Allen and not really.

I mean, I didn't hate it or anything, but you know pretty early on that that dude's marriage is fucked. It's a Woody Allen movie. It's not about infidelity. It's like you're being spoon-fed this stuff and it's kind of cute and funny but it's not really there's no real drama unfolding because you kind of know where it's going you kind of know where what it is i don't know i'll agree with most so it just feels. Tired i think it just seems kind of run of the mill yeah i tired seems a little harsh because that seems like i don't want to watch it i enjoyed watching it i just i agree i kind of knew where most of it was going but i mean it was enjoyable along the way it.

Was okay it i don't know I like seeing Kathy Bates as Gertrude Stein with the Picasso portrait behind her. That was pretty cute. It did occur to me that if you're watching Midnight in Paris and you're dumb, you have no idea who all these people are. Really, the movie makes no sense to you if you don't have some sort of grasp on history and important artists. Same thing with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Those are a little bigger names. They dig pretty deep on Midnight in Paris. I know. Abraham Lincoln I think most people can get. Now, there are some people that probably don't know why it's funny when they're talking to Socrates.

Right. Yeah. So, all right. Speaking of Woody Allen, best action sequence. Okay.

You notice there's never been in film a black Woody Allen type character? I want to see him get an actor like a black actor to be his stand in, because the way films portray black guys is if there's not any bad stuff going on right now, they're cool. You know, they don't they don't stress and worry. It's like a very white guy thing to just be wracked by neurotic worry and mortality and bullshit and you don't you don't see that portrayed in film donald glover that's what i was. Just thinking i was like if anybody can pull it off i'm trying to think of who i'm like actually donald glover could do it i was just thinking that yep interesting I.

Think he'd be great at Woody Allen, a black Woody Allen. I would like to see, yeah, if they could write a smart Woody Allen script. Somebody come up with that. Give it to him. Yeah, or somebody just rip off the style of Woody Allen and do it better.

Yeah, because you know what it is. We all know what it is now. He can write well off he could probably. Oh yeah actually Donald Glover could do it himself so Donald write this cast yourself. Because we know you listen to the podcast I'm.

Sure he does after the nice things we said we talked to his friend Dan you know we're pretty tight you know so. Anyway yeah So, action sequence. Action sequence. Action sequence. So...

Action sequence. Our options here... Actually, there's a couple. We've mentioned one already last week. The no-cut scene from Super.

Oh, yeah. I don't know. When I think action sequence, that's not disturbing sequence, maybe. But, I don't know. Action.

I think I just go more grand in my thinking. Mm-hmm. This one I didn't see, so I don't know. It might be very good. The Taking of the Bridge in Battle LA.

I'm kind of going to have to watch it just for cheesy sci-fi reasons, but I still haven't gotten to it yet. If somebody's nominating it for Best Action Sequence, I kind of want to see it just for that. I've got a nomination, but I want to hear the list first. The next one, again, is probably your go-to for last year. The train scene from Super 8 is pretty awesome.

I can't argue that's pretty badass. And the last one, it's sort of the underdog, but I really like this scene. And we probably talked about it in the parking lot for an hour and a half. The Eric Bana fight versus the agents and Hannah in that parking garage. That's a good scene.

That's an amazing, well-shot action scene. It's a well-shot... That was... I think I mentioned it that night. Yeah, that was my best, my favorite scene in that movie, but it was a Jason Bourne moment.

Yeah, but that's really the only one we get out of him. All the other ass-kicking is Hannah. So this is the one time we kind of get to see him in action, and he does not disappoint. It's a badass scene. Yeah, he needs more of that.

I think he'd be great at it. I think so. Plus, I think it was just shot well. It wasn't just him. Yeah, if it were just that scene done really... boring, yeah, I don't think it would rescue it.

I think it's the way that it was shot that makes it that much better. I'm kind of thinking the mechanic had something, but I can't think which scene specifically I would. That wasn't 2011. That's what I was trying to think. Was that year before?

No, it was 2011. Really? Yeah, it's just early on. Nobody remembers it because I still haven't. It's even started coming on now, and I keep looking at it on cable going, I guess I'll get to it eventually.

It had some cool, clever stuff in it, kind of like in the professional, you know, just good. He kills good? Yes, he does. He had a good kill good in the beginning of the movie, but I can't really think of the action sequence that I would pick out, so I guess not. I hate to sound like a real geek in this, but the.

The Siege of Hogwarts in the Harry Potter movie. I've heard that, actually. It's really one of the best parts of that entire series. I've heard other geeks mention that, actually, so I won't falter for that. Yeah, it...

That was pretty cool. You kind of get, like, now it feels like what it should be. You know, they. Yeah, it's finally come around. So this last one of the regular...

Wow! Do you want to mention? Meryl Streep. Hmm. One.

She won the best action sequence. Best action sequence. Interesting. It's about time. She kicked ass, man.

Some Nazi asked her to choose between her kids, and she just beat the living fuck out of them. There was this really cool shot that spun around, and then she kicked them all in the head. She's like, oh, I'm going to pick one. Oh, no, I'm not. Beats the crap out of it.

She goes like kicking him down the road like he's a can. It was badass, Matt. Yeah. Amazing actress. Just her range.

Oh. Mm-hmm. So this last category in this regular section here is the only one that was sent in by one of the listeners. The rest of this nonsense, either I or you guys suggested. So this one is the dreariest study of the human condition.

Oh, yay. Oh, I like this. Oh, that's great. That's great. So.

I thought, once again, that's very fitting for us. Yeah. So the votes we have are The Road. Can't argue that. Uh-huh.

Yogi Bear. Can't argue that. Wow, these are good nominees. We have Glee 3D. Or Bucky Larson.

Oh, I forgot that they even made that. Oh, and Contagion. Oh, yeah. I don't know what to do. They're all pretty grim.

Oh, I just like that category still. Across the board. Good on you, Secret Circle member. Yep. Yeah, I saw The Road.

I don't know. Yeah, you can tell it's going for that. People. I think who've read the book think more highly of it than I tend to. I haven't read the book, but to me it kind of seems like an apocalyptic zombie movie.

I don't see the literary... Without the zombies. Yeah. It really is, actually. But.

I'm kind of going for Yogi Bear. I don't know. What do y'all think? Did you see it? No, I just liked the nomination.

I'm basing it on the trailer, and I'm already... It gets pretty dreary. It's maybe the worst animated movie I've seen. Wow. That's pretty bad.

Period at the end of that. That's a different category. That's pretty bad. Yeah. It's...

I can't believe somebody made it, and I can't believe, I guarantee you they'll make a sequel out of it. Oh, I'm sure. Just because it's that bad. Did you ever see Young Moby Dick, The Adventures of Young Moby Dick? Because that sets the bar for animated movies pretty high or low or somewhere.

Yeah. I don't know. Hmm. So yeah, that rounds out the regular categories. I mean, it was made well.

It was just shit. I'm going to try to leave that. Dreariness behind and go on to the last few in the movie meltdown specific category. This one was the much-hyped which celebrity would you most like Misty to punch in the face? And this category was Misty approved.

She specifically liked this question. There's a shocker. So the options we have, Will Ferrell for Land of the Lost. I think for specifically messing up. Land of the Lost.

Was that last year? I don't know. It feels like it's been a million years ago. It might have been a million years. We can say Will Ferrell in general, but I don't hate him in general.

That just seemed like a bad idea for a movie. I never liked The Land of the Lost. I liked it, but again, I will not pretend like it was a good show. I liked it because I was a dumb kid, and I think Sleaze Stack are awesome. That's pretty much it, really.

I watched that show a lot. I didn't see the movie. I just wasn't up to it. I do think Will Ferrell is pretty amazing sometimes. He's got moments.

Since SNL, uh wow and he did that everything must go that was a oh bleak study of the human condition but it was. Fun it was fun. Have you seen the one where uh it's it's the homemade video or whatever. Where it's. His daughter is the landlord and comes to yell at him about paying the rent, and he yells back at her.

That's pretty funny. That's one of the best Will Ferrell moments I've seen. Lord. So, who else could Misty punch in the face? The other options we have, Snooki.

Snooki. Who doesn't want to punch Snooki? Now, this one, you might be going for the wrong crowd. I'm thinking our best bet's Greg. Tim.

Tebow? Oh, a football player, yeah. I had to check. He's an ultra-Christian Bible thumper, and you could call into question his talent. Nice.

So, yeah, he's the pretty boy. Picture if Justin Bieber were A football player and ultra right-wing Christian. That's who Tim Tebow is. Nice. This is quite a combination we've got going.

Yeah, just disgustingly perfect. I'm sure, for those reasons alone, without knowing anything more, Misty would like. To punch him in the face. I would like for Misty to punch him in the face. But again, we've got the last option here, and Based on the way this show has gone, sometimes just based on history, you have to sort of lean towards one of these.

So the last one says... Edward and Bella in that aura fuck those actors names I couldn't be bothered again based on this show yeah she's gonna get a little extra uh fun out of that anyway she. Might even at that point she'd be like no not anymore. She'll probably say line them all up she'll just take them out so i thought that was pretty fun all right um then then we went with more of the specific movie we've done a lot of movie discussions and um Yeah, I threw it out there and said, you know, what was your favorite overall? Not just our random mention, but the entire, you know, sofa theater kind of segment that we did on a specific movie.

And we got a pretty big mixture here. I was surprised. Again, we've got one that sort of gives a rundown of them. So I'll come back to, I guess, what the vote for the final one is. But before that, they say...

Martin, best dissection of actual film technique and theory. Splice, best thanks guys, but I wish you'd covered it a little sooner before I took my daughter to see it with me to the theater review. Oh, wow. Nice. Summer School, best podosphere celebrity appearance by Katie.

999, best back and forth Greg versus Brian dissection of art and clay animation and philosophy episode. That was a fun episode. It kind of was. More than I expected out of that movie. Yeah.

Again, here we go. Drive Angry. Best Exploration of Misty's Inner Rage. I don't think it's inner. I think it's all over.

It's very external. She's all kittens and rainbows on the inside. There's a little of that, but most of it's just fire and hatred. So, State Clan. Best Whoa, Dude.

That was awesome discussion of an awesome film. Mm-hmm. Charlie Baric, best review that made me stop playing the episode and go view the film within eight hours and return to finish the episode. There you go. See, that says something.

That's pretty cool. We're winning people over. That is one that you want to stop. Yeah, you do need to go watch it. Somewhere in Time, best conversation about a movie I couldn't begin to give a shit about. creature from the black lagoon best fred's verbal meandering of the year slash the best discussion about baseline men's needs oh and black christmas best oh yeah they deserve to die discussion but they rounded it out with uh back to steak land i had a lot invested in steak land and i like this reasoning again it tells you a lot about this show It was a rare discussion wherein you stayed on topic and didn't get into porn shag carpeting or some other such delightful nonsense.

That's because it wasn't the normal cast. That's what I was going to say. I think it's because I wasn't there. I was like, let's identify what was going on in the episode. Most of the people weren't there, and one of them is somebody who's never been on.

The show before. So, yeah, what does that tell you? You whittle down the rest of the usual cast, you might get a discussion that stays on topic. But, again, that's... kind of how we operate. So what they're saying is they don't want.

To listen to us. This is how we operate. I think you have to sort of embrace that if you're on board for the show. But the other options, that was all, they sort of centered on Stakeland. We also had one for Martin, Rockula, which really caught me off guard, and Aliens.

Okay. Oh, okay, yeah. You know, I can see. The Rockula episode was fun. It was a lot of fun.

I didn't expect anybody to go specifically with that one. I mean, we had a lot of fun talking about it. And again, for a movie that everybody kind of writes off, I think we found some good stuff in there. It's not detestable. It's just a silly 80s movie that got held back a couple of years.

But yeah, it's fun. You just have to be in the right state of mind. But yeah, again, I like that we had different answers coming from a lot of different people. And yeah, sort of across the board, people are enjoying different stuff. So that's kind of cool.

So the last one was, what movie that Movie Meltdown watched in 2011 would you be most embarrassed to tell your friends you have actually seen? Somewhere in Time? The quote is, screw my friends, I'd have a hard time looking myself in the mirror in the morning if I sat through Somewhere in Time. Nice. In addition to that, we have votes for Police Academy.

Oh, that's a fun movie. No, it's not. No. Have you watched it? Yeah, I haven't watched it in a while.

Sorry. Yeah, I thought it was fun before I went back and watched it. Michael Winslow's cool. It's pretty much all I have to say. The other one, you'll like this one, Greg.

Red Riding Hood. Hell yeah. Spiky trees are awesome. You love that movie. I love that movie.

And this one, I won't go so far as to say embarrassed to admit myself, but this person felt Scream 4. Yeah. Really? I certainly don't have a problem with saying I'd seen it. I even had a lot of fun discussing it for a great length of time there.

So I think there's a lot of interesting stuff going on there. Certainly not a perfect film, but I liked the fact that I'd seen it, and I think we got a lot of good discussion out of it. You know? But yeah, those are our embarrassed-to-admit movies. I figured that Somewhere in Time was going to be the.

One that would come up. Yeah, I've never seen that. So, ha-ha. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you.

It's well shot. It's dreamily romantic. There's two hot people in it. How about that? Hot people going at it.

I think that's all Doug meant. Two attractive people going at it. What more do you want? Can't argue, I suppose. Oh, more explosions, I guess.

Yeah, I like when stuff explodes. Oh, Lord. Have we figured out who won all these awards yet? Yes. All of them?

Yes, Meryl Streep won all of them. Best film, Meryl Streep? Best film, Meryl Streep. Best picture, Meryl Streep. Best actor in a film.

Best actor, Meryl Streep. You don't argue that. Let's see. Uh. No, I've only seen a couple.

They have these different feeds on here, and you can't really tell. You have to switch around to find the one that has any information on it. It looks like they're filing out now. Yeah, I think. I figured it'd be about over by now.

The artist won for Best Picture. Yeah. Okay, wait, here's a list, I think. You guys at home already know this, but for us, we're trying to figure out what the finals here were. So, let's see.

The Artist for Best Picture. The Artist for Best Actor. No. The Picture for Best Actor. The Artist won Best Actor.

We already said Meryl Streep for Best Actress. Sporting Actor, Christopher Palmer. Octavia Spencer for The Help. I was sort of where everybody was leaning anyway. Let's see.

Best Director was The Artist. Best Documentary Undefeated. Best Original Screenplay, Midnight in Paris. Wow. Really?

Yeah. Really? Yep. I'm sorry, I'm going to say it one more time. Really?

Let me check. Let me read here. Midnight in Paris. Winner. Yeah.

Winner. Wow. That's just. I mean, I thought it was crazy that that was even nominated for Best Picture. And yet.

Come on. It's cute, but come on. I don't know. That's probably taking it too far. And I don't even hate it.

It's just not... Best adapted screenplay of The Descendants. I had a lot of people saying they had issues with that, too. So that's... That it's good, but it's not...

Yeah, there's issues with the story along the way. Ooh, best animated feature, Rango. That's cool. Rango. Rango was great.

That's cool. Did you happen to see it? No, I just, everything I've heard is good. It's a lot of fun. I figured it'd go to Puss in Boots or something.

Oh, my God. That's pretty cool. No. No, yeah, Rango was a lot of fun. Best cinematography, Hugo.

That's probably deserved. It's probably the only one that wrestled away from the artist. Film editing, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. What was it? No, best art direction, Hugo, as well.

Wow. Costume designs, the artist. Sound mixing, Hugo. It's getting the technical awards, yeah. Best visual effects, Hugo.

Best makeup, Hugo. Oh, yeah, once you get into the technical awards. Yeah, it's pretty technical. So, yeah, I think that's about it. Who got best picture of Al?

A couple of black maids who tell their story. To the artist. It's the damnedest thing. Best picture, yeah, of making us feel better about racism. I don't know.

See, I don't think that movie really makes anybody feel much better about anything. I really question that. It really doesn't. I mean, it's like, okay, they get to tell their stories, but it's not really, it doesn't have like this reassuring effect. Like, this is okay kind of moment.

It doesn't fix anything. It's just stating that it all happened. I don't think it claims that it really fixed anything. It's sort of like it worked out well for that young journalist chick. Yeah, the white girl.

Yeah, fine. Damn white people. And there were some off moments, but I don't know. I noticed those actresses, they were on the Tavis Smiley show, and he was sort of like, attacking you know and he made some points about some other films like you know you'll see movies like uh the malcolm x biography you'll see all kinds of but what hollywood will recognize is always going to be the movies like like this yeah you know um which about you know uh powerless people who Doing the. Best they can, but that doesn't make it really.

And the actresses argued with him, and they didn't really seem to be talking about exactly the same thing. They were talking about, you know, well, when you're an artist, you don't want to play somebody who's two-dimensionally heroic. But I don't think the Malcolm X movie. They were sort of arguing about different things. But I guess. feel like it's not really a damnable movie.

It's just not really all that great. It is a little bit of a formulaic movie. It's just not one of the worst ones. It's careful about what it claims to be achieving. I mean, you could say that about Huck Finn.

You could say that's white people solving racism. Well, usually they just take the safe road. is when it comes to the Oscars. I mean, look, one of the best examples of that, like the year that Do the Right Thing came out, they gave the best picture to Driving Miss Daisy. You know, it's like they got the same thing working there, but they're like, let's go the safe road. You know, let's go the one that doesn't push.

I. Just don't think it's really fair to hang all of that on this particular movie, which isn't really one of the more glaring examples of I don't know, they keep bringing up the Gone With the Wind Oscar win for the maid. What's her name? Yeah, I forget her name. But I don't know.

It's just a little overworked, the whole politics. Because you don't want to have to do image awards when you're doing best picture. That's not what it's about, is trying to show any particular people at their best. It's about You know, trying to show people, tell stories. Again, it all becomes political anyway.

And everything is won for a specific reason or gets nominated for a specific reason. So it's not the art in a vacuum situation that it should be. Everything's sort of acted upon by outside forces. So it's a nice idea. You almost wish the votes were in a vacuum where, you know... the people voting don't have access to the press.

This isn't impossible. Oh, I know. But the people voting, it's almost as if they had.... Placebo votes, and only a certain percentage really were the voters. But then you'd also have to disconnect because everybody voting is also in the industry.

Right. Which you could never. So you would have to take people completely detached from the industry and then sequester them their entire lives. It's really just about an industry celebrating itself. It is.

It's patting yourself on the back. Jerry Seinfeld had the best line. It's like, this is like about. We're here tonight to say we like us. Pretty much.

We really, really like us. It's where people in the entertainment business get together to celebrate ourselves. Yeah. It's pretty much what it is. So I guess that should round it out.

Yay. Oh, it has been another fabulous Oscar meltdown. Otherwise that about does it. We will return next week. Same geek time, same geek feed.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for the crack, Brian. No, no problem. I can hook you up. Just a creature.

A creature. We never face it. I'm a creature, creature of the night I'm a creature, creature of the night. There are rules. Society has rules.

Yeah. You can't serve unchilled. You don't go ass to mouth. That's what you say. Well, sometimes maybe.

You can go ass to mouth. No, no you can't. That's just gross. I'm sorry O'Dawson can. Get away with it.

This episode is a production of Movie Meltdown, produced and edited by The Auditude Studios. with opening music performed by the Empires. For more on how to sponsor or support the show, email producer at moviemeltdown.com. Talk hard!