95.1: Derailed by Fish Tacos and a Slut Sandwich

The following feature has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. It is intended for mature audiences and parental discretion is advised. Our nuclear reactor pumping out one million kilowatts of power. What's up? Welcome to Movie Meltdown.

I am Brian. This is Roger. I'm Joni. I am Misty. You're far away.

Now try. Hello. Hello. Do I need to re-save my name? I probably would.

Okay, I'm once again Misty. Otherwise, they won't know you're there. Like Marlena, who was here and then has wandered off. She may or may not be returned from the Amish land. I don't know.

Who knows? She's going to go pick somebody up who they don't have a car? I don't know. If she wants to tell that story, she can when she gets back. Because I don't even want to address one of her stories.

You know how that goes. I'm still blaming the Amish. That's always a pretty good bet, actually. Stubby-legged, hairless cat got hip-hop us. Stubby-legged cat.

A conglomeration of stories. And then when it flew off, it hit a homeless man. There you go. It's a funny story. Got caught in the tire and was like.

Yep. I'm sure we'll hear that eventually. Alright, should we move on into this week's geek activity? Let's do it. As for mine, I've got one good, one bad, and then a mixture of stuff I was only half-paying attention to.

So, the good one I'm actually not going to go into, because I think it's... Too good? No, it's interesting enough, I think we need to just watch it for the show. So, yeah, I watched Mystery Team, which is pretty awesome, and very different compared to most comedies. So I think, yeah, I'll just go ahead and throw it out there.

Advanced warning, I think in the next few weeks, whenever we have an opening again, we need to watch it, because it's pretty damned awesome, so... Throw it on your Netflix queue and go ahead and watch it so you can give us some feedback on it. So we'll get back to that one somewhere down the line in the near future. So on to the error in judgment, I suppose. Yesterday I watched Stan Helsing.

Oh, lord. Yeah, I knew it going in. There was something good on another channel, but it was kind of heavy. Didn't want to get into it. Didn't want to cry.

I was like, all right, let's just stay in it. It's going to be dumb, but okay, whatever. Yeah. Did it just blow your expectations of dumb out. Of the water?

Afterwards, I felt like I owed my brain an apology. Write that thing a letter. Yeah, I. Oh, man. But it's one of those, I kind of...

I thought I knew what I was getting into. I assumed it would be a very scary movie. I thought it was just going to be an epic movie, disaster movie kind of thing. It's sort of not, but it is. I don't know.

It's like that level of comedy, but... They go about it in a different way. I don't even know how to explain it. It's just, it's bad. I know it's bad, but it's, like, odd the way that it's structured.

Did it not. Know what it was as far as a comedy? Like, it's tongue-in-cheek or, like, gaggy? No, it's totally over-the-top, hitting you over the head with the jokes, kind of like epic movie bullshit. Gotcha.

It just structures it so weird. It's like they're on this trip to go to a Halloween party and drop off videos. And it's like this convoluted group of things they have to do. And then it gets drug out over the whole... They're still trying to do these things.

Halfway into the movie, they're still at step one of, okay, we've got to get to this party. I'm like, really? It's been like 45 minutes. When are we going to get going on. Oh, wait.

Sadly, this is it. This is the movie. Holy shit. And. The adventures that can be had in returning VHSes on Halloween?

Most of it may. I mean, there are several moments where I'm just like, what? I don't even know what that was supposed to be. It's certainly not a joke. What was that segment?

Somebody help. It was just killing two minutes of stupid time. I don't know. It makes no sense. And I think it puts it all in perspective because at one point, One of their little bits is they're having a little segment with strippers, and they're doing the usual, hey, dollar bills everywhere, and he's got them shoved in his bandana, and they're all over it.

If you look at it, they're fake. And I'm like, now, okay, when you're a low-budget movie and you're doing, like, a drug deal and you need, like, hundreds and hundreds of hundred-dollar bills, but they couldn't come up with a couple of ones to stick in there? Was it, like, the red Monopoly money, too? No, I mean, it was green, but, I mean, from a very quick glance, you'd be like, well, that's fake. And I'm like, but they're one-dollar bills.

You guys can't come up with ones? Go into your pockets, guys. I don't think they had them. I think that's the sad part. They really didn't have them.

Put everything into this. this is an add-on scene. Literally so that's one we can miss then i'm assuming uh yeah that one i'm probably not gonna add. To the uh The list of stuff we need to see. Good, good, good. Note to self, Stan Helsing, do not watch.

Stay away. Was Stan an actual character? Was he like the video rental guy? Yeah, he's the main guy. I wonder if this is any better than the one that came out around the same time they put out Transylvania.

So I wonder if that's in the same category of stupid. See, that's the thing. It just came out this year, right? I mean, I didn't look it up, but midway in they do a Michael Jackson joke. Well, first of all, it's not even a joke.

It's just... A reference? A reference, I guess. There's a version of him over there doing something, which isn't really even funny, so it's not a joke. But I'm just like, okay, if it was after, this is kind of in bad taste, because it's a quote-unquote joke with little kids.

If it's before, way to pull out a 10- to 12-year-old reference. Yeah, right? Like, way to be on the cutting edge there, guys. So, yeah, I don't know. The only thing that makes me sad about the whole thing is Kenan.

Kenan Thompson is in it. Kenan is so funny. It's a shame he ends up in crap. Kenan Thompson. Kenan Kell.

Yeah, there's no Kell. What's on SNL? That's Kenan, yeah. Kenan, oh. Which, once again, I'm kind of counting that as he can't be on things that are funny.

SNL is rarely funny. Yeah, nowadays. He has some funny parts on it, though. He's one of the better things to watch on there. But, yeah, he's actually funny, and it just makes me sad that...

In this entire movie, I'm just watching him, and the only one that's got any, like, delivery and any comedic timing on any of this stuff is him, and I'm just like, it's surrounded by stupidity. I'm still trying to picture his face. Go back to Good Burger. That was a good one. Yeah, see?

Oh, that dude. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's fat jolly. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's basically the joke. They're making fat jokes the whole time, which, once again, nice writing, you know, because it's bad enough, okay, you've seen him. They put him in a Superman suit. You don't really want to see Keenan in a Superman suit, let alone for like an hour and a half. But that becomes their joke.

That comedic gold runs dry like two minutes after. Everywhere they go, they're like, I'm going to get a hamburger. And I'm like, really? Let's work in some more wimpy references too. You guys are so funny.

He goes home and cries in his trailer. He's like, why can't I be a real actor? Look at this guy. He sucks as the lead, but he's skinny, and that's all it takes. A skinny white guy.

It's so sad, really. So please, somebody give me some money. I'll make you a good movie, Ken. It's gotta be better than Stan Helsing. Yeah, it's sad, so...

Yeah, the only other thing... Pretty bad. Better maybe with toilet paper rolls and, like, Sharpie pens. Yeah. I'd watch that.

Sounds kind of entertaining. It'd be good. Yeah. So, yeah, I didn't really watch anything else in its entirety, but yesterday, once again, flipped it on the this. This plays some crazy shit.

Talking about this week, yeah. Yeah, and again, just to go through some of the lineup, I stopped and it was Be Cool, which I don't even know if... Have any of you seen Be Cool? Seen Bits and Pieces? I'm just trying to remember if you went and saw it.

I remember seeing it in the theater. I didn't know if you went to, but... Does that have. Bernie Mac, right? Travolta?

No, it's got Cedric. Oh, Cedric. Definitely got Travolta, yeah. So it's one of those I didn't really like it that much. It's one. it's like it's not near.

As good as the individual performances because that's the reason that was the movie i was like okay the rock needs to be an actor because god damn he's funny in that movie and everything else isn't near as good i mean there's there's good performances there's good moments in it but the whole thing sort of pales in comparison i mean i liked get shorty and it's sort of that continuation it's the character moving on and doing other stuff but It doesn't, like, Get Shorty comes off very clever and sort of, like, understated, where Be Cool just hits you over the head with everything. It just becomes sort of gratuitous of, look, here's another cameo. Here's another, you know, super guest star we can work in.

And I realize they're in the entertainment industry, so it makes it real, I guess, to work these in. But it just, it seems so forced. Everything in it just seems... really forced so yeah but i hadn't seen that since the theater so it was it was kind of cool watching some of it which they followed that up with return of the living dead Nice. Nice segue. I didn't watch because I knew I wouldn't get anything.

I was trying to do other things. I'm like, damn it, just turn the volume down, and I'll come back later. Yeah, so I tried to not. Plus, I mean, they have to edit things, so there's a whole lot of crazy, blurry stuff over Atlanta Quigley, which if only that would follow around now. Anyway.

Nice. And then, yeah, they rounded it out well into the night when I should have been asleep already with Empire of the Ants. Starring Joan Collins. Wow. And that one, yeah, I fell asleep to that one.

Again, the story was kind of retarded, and I wasn't paying that much attention. But every few minutes, I'd look over, and there'd be another giant ant attack. And it's like a mixture of bad animation, almost, mixed with giant creature coming into the frame, made out of pipe cleaners, attacking you. Like photographing. Ants in a terrarium or something and then just putting over like building kind of scapes or whatever.

Was that? I don't even know what it was like. There were times from the distance. I'm like, I don't even know what they're doing there. It's not like it's a clay animation or stop motion or.

It's just some sort of weird animated thing, and I may have to go back and watch it just to figure it out. It's so cheesy, I kind of liked it. I was glad to drift off to Empire of the Ants. Den is always a good one, but also one to fall asleep to. Do you have any ant-induced nightmares or anything?

No, once again, my dreams are back to being dead. Were you being dead? I'm still dead inside, but there were no ants crawling around in my brain. or joan collins thank god step up so yeah that was pretty much it for. Me well ours is fairly fairly lackluster as well but one of our friends let us borrow which we had already done on the show a while back but you hadn't seen before was fanboys Kristen. Bell and all her delightful wonderfulness.

What's your take on fanboys? Because I started the same stance of I just don't like it. I just couldn't stand it. Kristen Bell. But she's beautiful.

I love Kristen Bell. I love her character. I like her windows. I like windows. I think the movie would have been excellent without that stupid fat fuck.

Wait, which one? The dark hair guy? Yeah. The balls of fury. What's his name?

I don't give a fuck. I don't even know what his name is. Oh my god, he's horrible. He's Ben Stiller in every movie. That's not a good thing anymore, really.

Yeah, no. He makes my skin crawl. He's creepy. His jokes fall flat. Children should run from him.

I'm not really big on the other guy. The lighter hair. The one that we decided was from the Jungle to Jungle movie. What? The other lead.

Was it the car salesman or the cancer car salesman? No, both of those two stuck, really. I mean, there's a downfall, really. I like the cancer kid. See, I didn't like, you know, that was.

Was he in Paul John Key's... Wait, which one? I thought the Cancer Kid was the one you don't like. No. No, no, like the guy who owned the van.

Like the bad guy. Oh, that guy's awesome. Oh, he's terrible. No, I hate him. He's ridiculous, but I mean, that's his thing.

Yeah, he is that all the time. He's like Jack Black plus four. Yeah, okay, okay. But Jack Black is funny. Yeah, but I can stand Jack Black.

But just like doses of Jack Black. I can't even stand doses of him. I can't stand entire movies of Jack Black. That's just too much. Or even on an episode of Community, I wasn't happy with that.

Oh, I love Community. I love Community. I love Joel McHale. He's so dreamy. Okay, just to get off on a tangent.

Yeah, let's just talk. Has anybody else seen the paintball one? No. Oh, my God. It's one of the best episodes of television I've ever seen.

Of Community? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's great. It's hilarious.

It's not like a TV show. It was structured like a movie. It was completely, again, sort of understatedly poking fun at every action movie ever made. but only in a way that people that are super geeks that have seen every action movie would get. Oh, my God. It's so, like, that episode was genius.

So, yeah. Tangent. If you haven't, yeah, if you haven't seen it, go find. I've never seen that show. Oh, man.

Go find it. I've never seen. We watched that episode. You would love the paintball episode. Yeah.

Even if you don't know the characters. And it has the guy from the, I'm Brian. I like the skateboard. Who we'll get to in a couple weeks. That's a little Derek comedy right there.

So, yep. Okay, back on track. Fanboys. Yeah, I enjoyed the movie, though. It was good.

I still thought all the writing was just so simple as far as the jokes about Star Wars. It's just, of course, there's going to be talking about Boba Fett, and there's going to be a Chewie growling reference, and it's just. I kind of call Shotgun Chewy. That makes me happy. I mean, some of that.

You almost have to have. Or why do the movie? Yeah, I mean, that has to be brought to the table. But yeah, there's a lot of just the basic back-and-forth dialogue that's pretty weak, really. It could have been good, but it was just really weak, yeah.

I mean, working at a comic book store, I've seen this many times. And better, actually. More well-thought-out and vigorous kind of like, I guess. The dialogue i guess. Or yeah just yeah better than the movie interactions and characters.

And i guess maybe that was why i kind of thought it fell flat because i'm like i've seen this before the better you know in real life i live this smelly yeah i could smell this happening not that that makes it better but you know it's just richer just full-bodied Again, I can. It's a full-bodied geek smell. Yeah, seriously. Does it smell like the Comic-Con? Oh, that's...

Like you can taste it. Oh, I was getting ready to say that. That's no good. I didn't mean to taste. Take your.

Feel your thunder. Yeah, I'm sorry. tasty tasty dialogue but yeah i said it first i think with uh some recasting and uh him getting to do his original script an idea. An hour and a half of kristen bell wandering about in a slave i'd. Watch that i have no problem with that actually if you can set that up it doesn't even have to be theatrically released just send it over to me that's that's fine too i'm kind of okay with it But, yeah, I don't know. It definitely has its issues.

It's another one. It's got funny moments, but it doesn't really come off great. I fast-forwarded through most of it. I'm not going to lie. I don't really care.

I just wanted to see what happened. I think I still liked it more than a lot of people, but, again, I think most of it's just that geeky level of, you know, you do sort of have an understanding of what, if not the characters in the movie are going through, what the people who decided to make this movie, you know, that level of, of just devotion to something geeky that you almost, you know, I think I almost had a little, I gave him a little more credit for that. I think this, you know, then the finished product almost. Yeah. And I forgot that the, I thought the first time we watched it, that the cancer kid, they were faking it and he wasn't really dying of cancer, but apparently he did die of cancer.

They died. That's another one of those ridiculous things. If you go back and listen to the director's story, like there's, there's a part where that, cancer subplot doesn't even exist in one cut they entirely took it out which i'm like well if you can remove it that easily it. Probably doesn't need to be there anyway it doesn't make a difference because i thought that part was ridiculous or again they were they didn't know how to play it it's like are we playing this for jokes is it going to get serious and we're going to get like okay he's gonna die or yeah. So it's really yeah it's really hard to play both sides of that and they didn't really know how to do it so yeah issues they have lots of issues.

But so fanboys and then we watched which you hadn't seen either was enemy at the gates which i really enjoyed it was pretty awesome silly zaitsev silly zaitsev number one uh well i can't say number one uh russian sniper because number one was a female A little known, of course, you don't hear her name anywhere. I don't even know her name. Yeah, nobody can pronounce her. She killed, like, 10 billion guys. Like, she had that many kills, like, on her sleeve or whatever.

I want to be a sniper. It would be cool, right? I would kill everyone. I mean, I love human beings. Oh, I got a list.

We would choose. Yeah, really. We'd pick and choose. I've got one made in lipstick. I've got a huge list.

I'll pass that on to you. Nobody gets back off the list once they're on there. That's right. Once you're on there, you're staying on the list. Hell yeah.

Yep. Until I'm crossing your ass off. Mm-hmm. Collecting your brains. Done and done.

That was good. And just started playing Zelda. Phantom Hourglass. Phantom Hourglass, yeah. And I pretty much beat it.

That's a lie. I just now got to the ghost ship, so I'm like halfway through, I think. If anybody has any tips or. Yeah. Because my internet's down and I can't get to GameFAQs.

So please call in. Even though you pretty much trounced anything you're stuck on for a little while. Yeah, it only took me, like, the last one yesterday, I had this stupid freaking crab guy, and I couldn't figure out how to kill him. And you shoot him with the arrow, but then he just pauses around for a little bit, then goes invisible again. He pauses around.

Yeah, I'm like, what the fuck am I. Supposed to do? And it was like, ponder the order of this castle and your path. And I'm like, what the... What the fuck does it mean?

I think they just did that to screw with you, basically. That's the thing, the seven-year-olds can, right? Yeah, funny, and we can't. They were already through it in like ten seconds. They were like, oh, psh.

So I finally beat it last night. I was like, gross. And I found the ghost ship, so I'm like, what's close? Wow, she's playing Zelda. I'm playing Zelda.

PS1' s Gundam Battle Assault which is really awesome. You're like competing nerds yeah but it's cool because you know it's just like if I do my thing you do your thing we eat. Pop-Tarts in the middle Yeah, Pop-Tarts are delicious. Yep, that is the crowning jewel of nerddom right there. Video games, dueling video games, and Pop-Tarts.

And milk. But it's okay, because we took the other TV out of the living room. Yeah, we had two TVs in the living room. There are not two TVs in the living room with four different systems hooked up. Wow, that is bad.

That is a fire hazard or something. There is one system hooked up in the bedroom. Yeah, just in case. I mean, I was always one for putting a TV in every room, but I didn't usually. Okay, for a while I had several going at once, but that was...

I was working on a system. See, exactly. I mean, sometimes you're watching a movie that you're just kind of not all the way into while you're playing a game, so then when it stops loading or whatever, you can look over and watch the movie for a second and then go back to the game. No, I was trying to load all mine so they could play the same thing. I wanted to build a video wall, but I only got to about three, so it was really sad.

And you've got one controller on each video. It was more of a video hutch. Yeah, it was a really sad video wall. Sweet. Video ottoman.

I think other than that, that's pretty much it. Um, yeah. That was our geek-asm. Oh, um, I, we were video. Videotaped for, uh, work.

That's kind of a new thing, right? Oh, that's right. Because it's Facebook, basically. Selling ourselves like hookers. Do we want to?

I mean, are they paying us more than what they pay us normally? No. Okay, screw that. But, you should go see me and make me famous, huh? Will this be YouTubable?

I think it will be YouTubable. Um, I'm not sure in what duration of time. Um, it will be do you want to give the name of where we work or just so I can see you um. Yeah just uh see yeah it's Porcini so uh yeah google it you should also go eat there because keep us in business. Keep in mind stalkers yeah Yeah.

Come on. I also live at, no. Yeah, no. Stop, baby, stop. Here's my address.

I'll give them the neighbor's address. Stupid kids next door. Yeah. Fuck our neighbors. When you come home and they're dead, you'll be like, yes, my plan worked.

I want to put my address on a little emoji, but I put the address for the... Wrigley Stadium. People messaged me, you know, that's stupid. You shouldn't put your address on there. I'm like, well, come on over and why don't you tell me how stupid I am.

I'll see you there. You can bring Dan Aykroyd with you too. Exactly. It's not geeky at all. This isn't our neighbors that are in the building that we live in.

This is the neighbors that live next door. And this, you know, as far as there is a golden rule, I think more guys understand than girls. No offense to girls, but it's just you don't fuck with another man's vehicle. That is pretty across the board. You just don't do it.

And then when you get woken up in the middle of the night by. Actually, I woke you up. Oh, that's right. I went to get the DS because I couldn't go to sleep. Which was in the car, right?

No, no, no. It was just on the couch. And I heard some girl yelling in the middle of the street. So I was like, what's going on? Is there a fight?

And that's me looking through the window for the people playing the home game. You can't see. But so, and then I see this guy just taking a, piss on the passenger side. Door no and i'm like okay you don't fuck with my car and then for what reason did i did i do something to you it's. Just some random there's a car in the middle of the street right beside your car i don't know if he was just.

Did you go beat the fuck out of him He was asleep. I was asleep. And so I hit, because. There were lots of them, and I was half naked. But at least distract them.

I hit them, right? Get the fuck out. Please make a slow stop, fucker. I hit the alarm button and started going off, so he jumped in the car and ran away. And I was like, fuck it.

So then I put clothes on and went down to the car. Yep, that's me. I have to run tests. I have surgical gloves. So I was like, do you?

Wait, did you see us have that shit? Yep, that's pee. I did. I'm not going to lie. You had to smell it.

I didn't like put it in my nose. You had to lick it. Taste it. Yes, that's definitely pee. He had killians five hours ago.

Sodium content is too high. But so, you know, that's just one of the things. You don't fuck with a man's vehicle. And pissing on it just to me seems more personal. Yeah, I was going to say, I mean, breaking into it almost makes sense.

Pissing on it is just like, uncalled. For right and apparently these are friends of the the kids that live next door. The ones that used to set off the alarm all the. Time no no those are other younger kids okay those are babies they just don't know better but so this is just kind of like game on for me i'm like okay uh. I'm going to leave a bag of shit on their fucking windshield.

Smear it in their handholds where the handles are. Do they have a sunroof? I better hope they don't. We were driving down the street and he was like, We're going to put a bag of poop. On their car.

God. A see-through bag. Yeah, make it a see-through bag. Zip-lock bag. Wait until it gets hot.

Anyway, so... That's not very geek-related, but. Then I could just pick it up. You have to just openly, you know. Just enrage it.

Pry it back and put, like, a little bomb in it. Yeah, so if you feel the pain, definitely comment in. Tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I don't know legality-wise. Please just let me know.

That, too. You're going to find out. I'm trying to. Do a girl whose cousin pooped in a building they were currently building and smeared it around him right in his own poop. He was special.

He's dead. Now. Not because of that. Still a lesson for you kids at home. Don't do that.

So that's it for us. Oh, is it my turn now? I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. Me and Jay played some more of the Dark Side Chronicles Resident Evil, which is pretty fucking awesome.

It kicked ass. So yeah, we were shooting zombies for many, many hours. I didn't watch anything. Jay's slacker ass isn't here. He's off being a dad or whatever.

Damn him. What a loser. An idiot. Taking care of his child. Yeah, right.

I'm proud of my boyfriend. He takes good care of his kid, but still. I know. I give him credit for that most of the time. But yeah, we didn't watch anything.

I watched 45 minutes of The Hospital, and then I was. Like, dude, fuck this. I was mad. Is that the miniseries? The miniseries?

The Danish miniseries. Was it Stephen King related? No, that's the other one, wasn't it? I don't know if it's related to each other. I didn't fucking care.

I watched 45 minutes of the first part of the miniseries, and then I was just like, oh my fucking God. Ugh. Was Luke and Laura on it? No, I would have watched it then. I loved Luke and Laura, you know.

But, no, they were not on there. Was it Children's Hospital? Because that's awesome, by the way. No, it was just the hospital, and there was, like, haunted, and there was this one bitch I wanted to fucking punch in her face because she kept. She was one of the people, she was got something wrong with her, and I don't like people who do that, you know.

No, she's, like, faking it. She's, like, one of those, oh, I'm sick, I can't feel my hand, and she just puts it in cold water, so her hand's mysteriously cold. God, yeah, you know. But yeah, other than that, because I'm on the cutting edge of entertainment, I read The Watchmen because it's nothing up-to-date. Like The Watchmen.

Yeah. Yeah. I ate a lot of Blue Man Goods. That's why I read it. There wasn't enough Blue Man Goods in it for me.

Oh, God. I think, yeah, we all did. I got my fill. That first shot of just Hugh Gage's giant balls and dick. I want to go back and watch that movie again.

I want to watch the director's cut. I've been putting it off. I didn't actually see anything, I don't think. How did you not see it with your eyes closed? What?

Maybe I wasn't paying attention. Did you see Blue Dick? That's all there was. Were you watching the Watchmen? That was the main selling point.

Well, I mean, I saw like a Ken. Dude. No, he had junk. No, his dick was long. As an elephant trunk.

Is it like a Ken version? Maybe I wasn't paying attention to. The blue dick. Were you watching the knockoff? This was with Watch Guys or something?

The Watch Guys. Yeah, I read it. I don't remember. See, it's been a while since I've watched the movie, so I don't even remember how it ends. I can't even compare the comics.

Yeah, the ending is completely different. I don't remember. No giant space squid. Yeah, and they made a good call on that, if you ask me. Yeah.

Yeah, I was kind of confused. I'm like, what the fuck is this? But then, whatever. Blue man goods. Whatever.

I remember liking the movie. That was good. And I remember when it came out, the comic book was like 30 or 40 bucks for the big fucking graphic novel. I was like, dude, fuck that. I ain't paying that.

Now I found out the flea market was like $ 2. I'm like, yeah, $ 2. You just have to let it, especially when it comes to comic books, you got to let the buzz die down and all the fanfare. The novelty wears off. And then, yeah, and then it'll reduce in price instantly.

You okay? Yeah. Yeah I did nothing nothing at all my sister had a baby yay for her yay congratulations you held a baby I held a baby and I didn't break it you didn't drop it no not this time you didn't burst into flames or anything no I'm telling you it was no fit it didn't hiss at you it was asleep she was asleep. It was asleep the thing The creature. The creature.

My friend has, like, a code. He won't call any child, like, he or she or their name until they're, like, four, until they have conscience of who they are. I don't think it should take that long. Yeah, right? By one or so, they at least get a little personality going.

Huh? Does this person have children of their own? No. Or love in their life at all? It's for the best.

No, it's my friend John. Oh, nice. A little skewed vision on things, that's all. But, yeah, I held a baby. You can call it eight.

That's cool. There was no fire, nothing. Like I said, didn't drop it. I wasn't too afraid to move, though. They sat it on me.

I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. What is this? Hopefully it stays asleep. They were like, if you wanted to open our eyes, just poke her a couple times.

You're like, don't ask me to do that. You want me to poke a baby? What can I poke her with? I jostled her a little bit I shook the baby but then I was like no don't shake the. Baby shake the baby no.

I didn't shake the baby kick the baby good lord no that's all I did so yay for shooting zombies nothing. Amish stuff wandered off lost. Nothing hmm Eating sandwiches made by whores, apparently. The nastiest slut I've ever... Did you say the nastiest slut?

Is it the nastiest or the nastiest dirtiest? The nastiest dirtiest slut. She's ever known. This is when she stopped on the way here and got food. She got her sandwich from...

It was made by the nastiest dirty person. But, yeah, that was the greeting as I walked up. Guess who made my sandwich? Nasty dirty. And she said, like, the nastiest dirty person I know.

I'm like, which one? I mean, seriously. Then she asked me when I walked up there. I was like, you'll have to be more specific. You know a lot of whores and dirty people.

Oh, my God. It's like, I don't know. Yeah, skanky whores. I can't keep track of all your weird friends that are sort of friends, but what? Frenemies.

Yeah, she's not a friend at all, though. I do know who she's talking about. She's not a friend. Yeah. So, yeah.

Because she still ate food that this girl made for her. Whatever. All right. So yeah, since she wasn't here, we had to make up our own Marlena story. That's the end.

Sad. I can tell them about her eating fish tacos, but she might want to say that one first. Yes. Once again, that's a very Marlena story. Marlena and her fish tacos.

Anyway. Apparently she loves to eat them. The fish tacos, literally, that somebody made for a party. All right. But otherwise, I think that is it for the geek activities here.

So I guess we will take a break and be back with What's the Bug? What's the. Bug? Thank you. Oh, the time is now, the time is here.

Now's the time to invite a cheer. A tasty life where the price is right. Well, look in here, you'll dig this site. The moment's handy for a piece of candy. Just name your brand, they're all so grand.

Hey, what do you think of a nice cool drink? Oh, big box filled with a popcorn trill. Let your taste buds meet with an ice cream treat. Invest yourself, it's time to eat. So come on folks, let's join the band as we all head for the refreshment.

Sugar Pie, she's the sweetest thing in town. It's not good clean fun, but it sure is fun. The film that asks the burning question, is sex dirty? It is if you do it right. Sugar Pie, a mouth-watering delight.

When Sugar Pie was good, she was very, very good. And when she was bad, she was wonderful. Cut yourself a piece of the action. See, Sugar Pie, I'm all yours. Sugar Pie, rated R.

Thank you. To talk to you about something very important today. That's outside the cinema. I know a lot of you listening now enjoy the film world. Boy, outside the cinema covers all kinds of good films.

If you're looking for the classics, perhaps you're looking for a good old Nazi film where the Nazis torture and rape everyone in sight. Or giant monsters crawl from the sea. Or perhaps an Italian film where Edwidge Finch takes her clothes off for no apparent reason. Or renegade bikers just do whatever they damn well please. Perhaps even occasionally turn into a werewolf, then Outside the Cinema is your place to go.

That's www.outsidethecinema.com. Outside the Cinema, your source for cult movie discussion. Hi, this is Erin Cummings, and I play Hell from the movie Bitch Flop. You're listening to Movie Meltdown. Music All right.

If you think you can control your taco sound.... Silent Taco. Silent Taco. Deadly Taco. Starring Keenan.

Starring Keenan. Gideon Thompson is Silent Taco. Chocolate Taco? Silent Taco, Deathly Taco. No, Paco Taco.

Paco Taco? Paco Taco? Paco Taco. The Adventures of Paco Taco. Paco Taco Taco.

He would be in a movie called Paco Taco, I think. I think he would do it. He would be a superhero. Dude, he would show up for any of them. Yeah.

I like that guy, but man, I feel bad for him. What? You're going to give me $ 2, 000? I feel bad for him. It's more than I make on SNL.

Probably. Oh, goddamn. I'm sure he gets paid the lowest. Yeah. We should talk about The Priest because I want to see that movie because it's got Carl Urban in it.

God, I love Carl Urban. Yeah, I love Carl Urban. Ooh, Carl Urban. I don't think I recognized him. Yeah, he was the guy on the hat.

Okay, yeah, because I remembered us talking about who the villain was going to be and then they showed him and I was like... It didn't really register. I was just like, wait, who did we say it was going to be again? It's got Carl Urban and it's got Cam Giggid of whatever the fuck his name is from Twilight. Cam Giggid fucking James Werewolf.

Giggida figgida. What a. Shit. Werewolfio. No, I take that back.

He wasn't a werewolf. He was a vampire. Giga to sparkly. Who's that stupid guy with that stupid hair who died in the first movie? Oh, James.

Yeah, James. That guy got dealt with. Oh, the bad guy? Yeah, he was the guy with the stupid hair. That guy was gross.

He brought lunch, got a snack, or whatever the fuck he said. That guy was gross. I like the preview for Vampire Suck when he's like. Oh hey, it's the black eyed peas. And he's like, why does everybody think we're the black eyed peas?

Like, actually, that's kind of funny. You do kind of look like Black Eyed Peas a little bit. Priest, I want to see that movie. Looks good. Priest it is, then.

Go to hell. I want to see it, because it's got Carl Urban. I went and got me the Carl Urban doll for Star Trek, because he's the only one who looked good. So now me and Carl, we dance around. Have tea parties.

He hangs out with my Lucy Ludo. What about Paul Bettany? I figured you'd be on board for him, too. He's the main priest. I saw him, but I don't know who he is.

Married to Jennifer Connelly? I figured you'd like him. He's kind of studly. He's no Carl Urban. He's creepy.

Some people like creepy. He's got a creepy face. Well, then Marlena would definitely be into him. No, he didn't, like, there's not enough weird for Marlin. There's no, like, accordion involved.

Well, he does have a crucifix across his face, so that might win her over. No, I don't know. It's weird. And in his last movie, he wore a. Silas?

On your leg? Is that called a Silas? I don't think so. Wasn't his name Silas? His name was...

His name was. Angel. I don't know. I can't remember. Michael.

Michael. Well, he was Michael in that Legion movie. That's the only other thing I really know him from. He was in. I can't see the little dance you're doing.

Yeah, sorry guys. Your taco dance. My taco dance. Wimbledon. He was in Wimbledon.

He was in Wimbledon. I win a prize. For no one's sucky movie. I haven't even seen it to know if it's sucky. I can judge.

Hey, Kirsten. She's got spangled teeth. I'm totally over her and her shit. I kind of am too, but... That's just because she's got attitude now.

She's got attitude now. She seems really full of herself in the last, you know, five or six, ever since Spider-Man, basically. Really? When the whole world wanted to hang upside down and make out with her. All of a sudden, she was just.

Like, hey. That never seemed like a good idea anyways. You get water. Yeah, he's going to drown. What the fuck?

In the rain, yeah. He's going to fucking drown. He's going to, like, pop something up. Nipples for three movies straight. Yeah, right?

It's always good. Well, that's enough to carry your career. It's definitely not bad. Anyways, Priest. I want to see Priest.

Yes. I want to see Carl Urban in just about anything. Or nothing. Whatever. Oh, I see.

I see where you're going there. Brown chicken brown. Notice Jay's not here. Like, that would make any difference. You're right.

You make those references every week. He knows I'm joking. He knows I love him. Until Carl Urban comes along. All right.

And we're back with What's the Buzz? I'm sorry. I got distracted. Carl Urban. Now you stole my deal.

By the way, nobody's been calling me of the several celebrity girls I've told to call me. What the fuck's up with that? Can't imagine why. All right. Okay, is there buzz?

There is, in fact. What is this buzz of which you speak? Well, we're going to start it off with a little spillover from last week. Machete got its start as the then-fake trailer in the double-featured Grindhouse series. So fans might understandably have thought that the...

Spoiler, I guess, if you haven't seen Machete, but if you listened to last week, too late. The action figure's coming out soon. Have you seen it? It's fucking awesome. There's a machete action figure.

Does his face look like his face? Actually, it doesn't look bad. I would hope so. It's made by NECA, and NECA usually makes some pretty good figures. Awesome.

Now, see, I've held off on my toy buying, but I might need a machete. But no, yeah, you might have thought the teasers for Machete Kills and Machete Kills Again were just jokes to end the movie. Oh, God, I hope not. Well, according to Robert Rodriguez, machete don't joke. Machete don't joke.

Yep, producer and co-director Rodriguez promised that he already has ideas for two sequels. Although, and I guess I didn't really stop and think about this, but do you guys know how old Danny Trejo is? Isn't he like 65? He's 66. Oh, really?

So when they make two more movies, he's going to be pushing 70 by the time the third movie is out. Who cares, dude? He's awesome. He's still getting pulling like chicks, like mother-daughter trios. Trios?

Oh, he hates the piece. Trejo trios. He's a tribalist. He completes the trio. Yes, he does.

But, no, I just hadn't stopped and thought about it. I'm just like, man, that's a lot to ask this dude to be running around. He's probably just happy to be fucking working. I think so. He's taken a long time to get to this point, so I'm sure he's just sort of relishing the moment.

Talking about a lady career. But, yeah, it's just funny that, yeah, they're giving action movies. He's fine. He's happy. He's not landscaping.

He, like, smokes mad weed every night. He's cool. It's fine. But you can, actually, you can pull off action movies, like, forever. I mean, they were pushing it with, like, Liam Neeson's kind of old as a lead.

But then, have you seen that, the one that just came out on DVD now that's fucking Michael Caine? What? Michael Caine? Basically, it's the same thing as the, what was the Clint Eastwood one that came out last year? Oh.

Where are you? El Camino? No. Gran Torino. Gran Torino.

What'd you say? El Camino. It's different. El Camino. Yeah, but Danny Trejo's always looked the same.

He looks the same. He looks damn near the exact same now as when I remember seeing him for the first time. My first time I remember seeing him was in From Dusk Till Dawn. Yeah. To me, he looks exactly the same.

He does. I mean, he hasn't changed. It's not like he was pretty and getting old. He's a little rougher, but that's just, you know. But that works for him, though.

But it is one of those I've noticed. I mean, I don't know that you... Maybe they always did that, but lately it seems like there's this big trend of like, you know, you've got Liam Neeson and you've got... Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood's been doing it for all these years.

I mean, he's been over the hill for like 20 years now as far as action movies go, but yet he keeps doing it. He still keeps coming out being the badass character and they let it slide. I kind of wish he would stop, though. He's still a badass. He's something we need to quit.

Like Harrison Ford. See, he's another one. I want to write him an angry letter. He hasn't done anything in a while, has he? Aside from me.

What's her face? Ally McBeal. He's going to crush her. He's going to snap her little twig-ass body. If he hasn't by now, she's pretty stout.

She's just an alien, and she's a portal, and he just. Did he meet her when he hooked up with the aliens at the end of Indiana Jones? Anyway. Anyway, some people just need to stop. But Danny Trejo's not one of those.

He's fucking awesome, and I'll just keep watching him. It's one of those I was thinking the other day as I drove past the giant picture of Michael Caine's face on the side of a blockbuster. I was like, really? I was like, Michael Caine doing action movies. What the fuck?

He's like great grandpa. You know he doesn't do his own stunts. Isn't that Alfred? Alfred, yeah, from Batman, right? Yeah.

He's a little old British guy. And he's the action hero in this new movie. Two things I don't like. Old people and British people. He's both of them.

Oh my god. Except for our British listeners. We love them. I love S Club 7. They're British.

Well, there you go. See, that'll save it. And Mel B was on Chelsea Lightly the other day. I still love me some Mel B. She's got her own reality show, dude.

Her hair looks so much better these days. I know. She's hot still. She looks better than most of them do. Yeah.

Except for Posh. I don't know. She'll have to wear a bolt-on. I'm not sure how I feel about that. No, Posh looks weird now.

She's had way too much surgery. Sporty doesn't look as good as she used to either. I was never big on Sporty. Baby got fat. She was the one who could sing, though.

Yeah, Baby had the voice, though, on our little diagram off into the Spice Girls. It's because our show was glazed with donuts. We're going to have a Spice Girls musical now, dude. I'm excited about that. That kind of ties in.

There's a buzz. There's a kind of Spice Girls musical Broadway thing or some shit. Oh, God. Mm-hmm. With them?

They're recasting the girls? I don't know. All I know is Spice Girls. I like the Spice Girls movie. I love that movie.

The part with the aliens? The part where Meatloaf's driving the bus. They wanted to go to. Clean the toilet. I'm okay with that.

We just had to wait because somebody else already did it. But that's awesome. We're working it in eventually. I actually recently just found Tangent, but I recently just found that my cousin and I took after watching Spice World because we wanted to be Spice Girls. Which Spice Girl did you want to be?

Did you have your own Spice Girl name? No, I'm just Baby Spice. Really? Actually, at the time, I didn't like Baby... It was like later.

I looked back and I was like. Baby Spice or Ginger Spice. I was one or the other. Posh was always my favorite. I liked Posh.

I liked Posh back in the day, but I just hated the stupid baby bullshit that she did at the time. But she could hella sing, though. But then, yeah, I went back later and I was like, she's the one that's got the voice. It's like fucking... Her and Mel B, I think.

Sporty freaked me out because she had this weird tea. Yeah, I didn't like Sporty. She had a gnarled face. Mel B was cute, and she was the loud spice. She was there for, like, whenever they needed somebody to kind of yell, they would, yeah.

So, yeah. That was my brother's nickname for me because I would blow dry my hair, sit down, and it's curly. But I think out of all of them, she's aged the best. Oh, yeah. She's smoking hot.

She definitely looks good. She has a new shoe line. What the fuck happened to Ginger? She disappeared. I miss S Club 7, though.

Whatever happened to Paul? He probably got fatter. I don't remember. Any S Club 7. I don't even know what that is.

They had a show. Yeah, I remember that. There ain't no party like an S Club party. Wow. Every day.

I think Rachel's still half naked on magazines a lot. Rachel was hot. So was Tina. Tina, no. No, it was the blonde girl.

Which one? Hannah? Yeah, Hannah. It turned out to be in a. What was that movie she went in with Frankie Muniz?

She was in the second... No, no, wait a minute. That was. Oops! The second spy movie.

Whatever the hell that... Spy? No. Cody Banks. Yeah.

She was in the second Cody Banks. Agent Hannah Spirits. Or something. Spirit? I don't know what her fucking name is.

She was adorable. She is damn cute, though. I wanted to carry her right out of my pocket. She was tiny enough. Wow.

Okay. British old people. Anyway, as I was saying about Rodriguez and aging action stars, which somehow led to Spice Girls and then S Club 7 or vice versa. Ugh. But yeah, I was thinking that the other day, driving by, seeing Alfred there on the window.

I've always said you can cruise by as a romantic lead for way longer than you can as a female actress. But it's just weird that now it's even okay to be an action star. way when it's past the point where you should be an action star. That's why I just think we don't have any. It's almost like Andy Griffith doesn't do anything. We just don't have any action stars of our, you know, generation.

It's all older action stars, like I said, that have all died and there are none left, so we've got to keep. Digging them up and bringing them back. Like, oh, God. I just want to sit in my chair and pop my pills and drink my booze and be alone. And spend my millions that I've worked.

Since I was 20. Spend my jillion dollars. I'm trying to think, what's Chris Pine... Oh, he's good. They just put him in the new...

I was just trying to think of anybody who might fall into that. They put him in the new, you know... He's sort of passing the torch, because Denzel kept ending up in semi-sort-of-the-action movies. So, yeah, he's kind of come in as the new guy. He's always walking away from an explosion these days.

Wow. Yeah. It's always fun to do that. Chris Pine would make a good action hero, just as long as he doesn't do any more Princess Diaries movies. Oh, God.

What? He was in Princess Diaries 2. Electric Boogaloo. Electric Boogaloo. Wow.

He had a big helmet head in that one, too. I didn't like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. God, Chris Pine.

So, anyway, Machete. Chris Pine as Machete. Chris Pine takes over the role of Machete. No. Didn't see that coming, did you?

I'll get you way off guard. So, yeah, they were saying it's, you know, it's sort of up in the air 100% if those machete kills and machete kills again actually come together, but they're saying it all depends on how the movie does. But it had a, we were wondering last week, it ended up having an $ 11. 4 million opening, which, again, for that budget is pretty good. And once you put it on DVD and Blu-ray, I'm sure they're going to.

You're making it back. Yeah. I'm not going to buy it when it comes out. To me, it was fun for the first time around, and it was fun because of the stuff you're like holy shit did they just do that but then it's like i've already seen it now but. You know just for the grindhouse factor i'd have it i'd stick it you know next to planet terror and you know i'd have a copy of it and probably will so i'm sure most geeks fall.

Into that yeah I mean, I'll have the action figure. Well, of course, so he can play with Carl Urban. That would be wrong scale. I'm sure. That would be, because he'd be at Carl Urban's place, and I don't want him that low.

He needs to stay away from Carl Urban's place. That makes me uncomfortable. Actually, that's like real world. Yeah, he's 10. He's a little man.

Oh, we love you, Danny Trejo. It's cool. All right, so. I liked his part in Fanboys. It was good.

Yeah, I see. There you go. You see, it's got so many cool things worked in. It's got so many issues. I wanted to yell.

At Shatner when he was on the screen. God damn you, money snatcher. And that's what he did there. He's like, how much will you give? All right, I'll show up.

What is it, like a half an hour of work? I'll do it. Okay. Fucker. Alright, so classic children's stories and fairy tales are a hot commodity in Hollywood now that Alice in Wonderland actually made a hell of a lot of money.

Not that they ran out of every other original idea. Well, they never really had many original ideas. To begin with, yeah. So one of those is the Brothers Grimm, Hansel and Gretel Homsaw. Aren't they making like two or three different in these movies?

It's so hot right now. That's the thing. We made fun of the Michael Bay presents Hansel and Gretel in 3D quite a while back. So we already did. Now, the other one, at the time, I think we mentioned they were doing another one.

We hadn't heard anything about it. Now I've heard the little breakdown. Yeah, I kind of like it. It's not the sci-fi version, is it? I thought your sci-fi channel was doing that.

No, see, that's a separate one, too. Then on top of it, yeah, because the sci-fi is doing their own series of all those. But this one is Paramount Pictures, who is doing Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters. Now, the comedy part throws me off, but I like the rest of the description. A horror comedy which takes place 15 years after the incident at the Gingerbread House, as Hansel and Gretel are now bounty hunters and chase after wicked witches.

That's funny, because that's a complete ripoff of the comic book fables, that all fables kind of grow up and have to integrate into the real world. Yeah. Actually, Hansel turned into a witch hunter, and Gretel really didn't. That's funny that they're taking that and making a movie. Out of it.

Probably at this point. Shouldn't surprise me that they're ripping off graphic novels, though. That's kind of what they do. So, yeah, now back to the guy that we talk about every week. While speaking to Norwegian press, Jeremy Renner revealed that he is in talks to star in the movie, along with Noomi Reiss, the star of the Swedish versions of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and the other movies.

She's going to be in the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Yeah, she's going to be huge. I don't like her. She's got a butter face. Well, she looked cool in that movie, but then I saw her in interviews, and I was just like, I don't think I've looked twice at her in the real world, but they make her kind of cool in the movie.

So I'm going to have to see her in other roles to really make up my mind. But yeah, immediately after they said that, Renner's rep clarified that they've been in discussions, but there's been no negotiation and certainly no deals. So they immediately backtracked out of that. I'm just like, we didn't say that. Oops.

So, yeah, it's all in the discussion stage at this point. But we do know the director will be Tommy Orcola, the director of Misty's favorite movie. Which one? Dead Snow. Oh, I fucking hated that movie.

I was so disappointed in that movie. It made me so mad. I wanted it to be so awesome. I mean, fucking. Undead Nazis.

Oh, yeah, but, man, it sucked. I haven't seen it because I heard that you all said it sucked. I'm telling you, I've never heard of it. I don't know. It's Nazi zombies, but then there's the scene and there's the outhouse.

You just can't get past that outhouse part. I cannot get past her. If it didn't have that, would that... Nailing the guy. Nazi zombies sounds good.

He's taking a shit in the outhouse and she comes over and just straddles him and he's like fat and ugly in the first place and she's all like hot. I'm like, dude, this is not realistic. I can get past the Nazi zombies. I can buy that before I can fucking... believe that. This hot chick's gonna nail this fat guy while he's taking a shit in an outhouse.

Nice. I agree with all that, actually, is the sad part. That's the way the world works. I don't want to see it, though. I'm not gonna lie.

This is whining. It's a letdown. I mean, you might enjoy it. Most of life is. I think Marlena liked it more than you did.

Yeah, Marlena liked it a lot. I like Southland Tales, so I don't care. Screw you guys. Y'all might like it. Puts it all in perspective.

Screw you guys. I liked it. It was fun. I don't care. I don't think I've ever seen that either.

Everybody hated it but me. It's stupid. He's told me this to test for it a few times. It's just, it makes no sense. It's stupid.

It's back and forth. I enjoyed it. It doesn't go together. I was just in a good mood that day. Yeah, that's unusual.

I know. It's like walking through Canada. The drugs were good that day. All right, so Hollywood loves making biopics. I hate biopics.

I know. That's why I like talking about it. I hate biopics. I hate biographies. I hate fucking movies about people that are real.

Aren't those all kind of the same? Yes. Okay. Oh, but one career choice that they usually don't go through, I mean, they hit all the musicians and athletes and painters, but acting itself. They don't really go into a lot of actors.

Unless, of course, you died under mysterious circumstances. Are they making a Heath Ledger movie? Bob Crane and George Reeve and all that stuff. Not. At this point, actually, I'm surprised they didn't jump on that.

Give it about ten years. If that long. It seems like the window's a little shorter these days. They crank stuff out pretty quick. We've got to wait for Justin Bieber to grow up and his career to grow out so they can make him be his legend.

Oh, God, no. Wow. Poor Heath. I hope he don't get smashed. That's right.

We're talking about the... decimation of human nature as we know it. Why would you even recommend such a thing? Why would you say it? I'm not recommending. I'm foreseeing.

Yeah, this is a foretelling. Sadly, that seems like how they do things really, unfortunately. But no, this one is actually, he's a much older actor and probably more famous for what he did after he left Hollywood. It would be Ronald Reagan. Oh.

So, yeah. Who's going to care, dude? Is that going to be an actor biopic or would that be a. Yeah, see, that's the thing. It's sort of...

It falls into both categories, technically, but, yeah. Are they going to just shoot for the actor aspect, or are they going to get into the whole thing, or are they going to. Well, let's see. They are saying... Or is it going to be a monkey involved?

Well, I'm sure there will be. Everything's better with a monkey in it. Reagan will be based on the... Reagan is what they're calling this, imaginatively enough, will be based on the biographies The Crusader and God and Ronald Reagan, both by the same guy, are now being adapted to screenplays, and... Let's see.

It says the story is described as the movie starting with the 1981 assassination attempt by John Hinckley and then tells Reagan's story leading up to his presidency through flashbacks. Which, I guess... Who's going to play Reagan? That's what I'm kind of wondering. At this point, we have...

Carl Urban. Actually, that's not as bad as... I mean, once again, they're throwing out his co-star, Chris Pine. Nothing. I mean, this is a casting poll that they did in Hollywood Reporter.

I don't want Chris Pine. To get the wrong idea. I still would choose him over Carl Urban, but still. The frontrunners are Chris Pine and Zac Efron. I cannot see that.

I'm sorry. Efron? Efron. No. I cannot see that.

So, I don't know. I just. I don't hate Zac Efron as much as I feel like I should. Well, I don't know anything about him. He's so pretty.

I don't think I've seen him in anything. I mean, everybody likes to make fun of him because of who he is. 17 Again wasn't bad. See, I've heard somebody else tell me that. It was kind of funny.

If you can stand watching What's-His-Face Act for... Two hours. That one guy. Sandler? Yeah.

Oh, Lord. Well, no. And he's also, I mean, he bothered to do a movie that centers around Orson Welles. So, I mean, I kind of give him a little credit for just knowing who, or at least finding out who Orson Welles was. So, I don't know.

I mean, I don't know what to think of him because I don't think I've ever watched anything with him in it. So, we just like to make fun of him because he's a name at this point. And he's just too soft. It was just too soft to be Reagan. Yeah, Reagan.

Reagan played a cowboy most of his career. I think I had more respect for Zac Efron when he was in an episode of Firefly. Yeah, but he was like four years old. Really? I love Firefly.

He was the young doctor. The doctor when he was a kid. Oh, okay, yeah. I forget the doctor's name, but River's brother. Yeah, Zac Efron.

He's so cute. Look at the doctor. But it depends on what they end up focusing on this thing because to me you almost you could almost sell it if they focused more on the hollywood or at least worked in a big portion of that because you could do all these little again if you're in the hollywood scene you can do all these people doing cameos as old celebrities and stuff like that and People would almost want to watch that, but it seems like they're going back further. It says the film suggests it will also focus on Reagan's early life, which they say involves a surreal Norman Rockwell painting with his alcoholic Catholic father, devout Christian mother, Catholic brother, and ever-changing borders the family took in. like interesting i mean that could all be like.

A 10 minute segment maybe. That's i mean that all sounds like an entirely different type of movie you could make that kind of weird movie work but then making it about ronald reagan and then working in hollywood stuff i mean if they throw all this at it i don't know i don't know how it will come out and on top of that i'm just worried about the performance because it, I don't know that anybody's ever tried to do a version of him that hasn't come off like a bad impersonation. Like it, it just became like the joke of the eighties to do a bad Reagan impersonation. So even people who are skilled that try to do, especially politicians, you know, you look at like Anthony Hopkins doing Nixon and, It's still kind of bordered on sort of a cheesy impression.

It's Roland doing W. That one was a little bit. I was surprised by W. There was more to that than I expected. I never saw it.

It was one I caught. I don't even know if I finished. I ended up getting sucked into a big portion in the middle. It made him out to be way more... with it than I ever gave him credit for. The character in this movie, I'm like, hell, he actually seems like he's leaving the country.

I never got that feeling from the actual W. I would be okay with Brolin being president. Actual president? No. Reagan.

There you go. We can just start nominating these people. Especially if he took his shirt off. I'm going to give a press conference. Hold on, let me get this shirt out of my way.

He sprays himself with water. No, that's the water. Get the honey. Or honey. It wouldn't spray better.

Maybe it sprays. A spritz. Marlena's here. Hold on. Oh, Lord.

Marlena has returned from Amish land. Chris Pine's so gorgeous. I miss Chris Pine. But yes, that guy played the doctor when they were showing the flashbacks. Yeah, okay.

I remember that episode. There's only like one episode, but yeah, he played the kid. He's talking about math and he wants a new computer or something and his dad's like, okay. We made up all kinds of stories for you for your geek week. Yeah, Marlena has joined us now, but while you were gone, we made up stories for you.

You and fish tacos. And you were kidnapped by Amish. But no, actually you weren't kidnapped. You went to live with them last week. We traded you for fudge i was gonna say yeah that was last week yeah but uh i forget the rest of the story.

Today the whore made your sandwich but yeah misty thought that was funny so she. Had to share and homeless guy i wanted to know when he got hit. By the bus the homeless guy got hit by a bus there was no because we were telling like how your stories normally go you want to hear a funny story. Homeless guy got hit by. A bus that's yeah that was my impression of one of your funny that is really that is one of my funny stories You have no idea how completely happy it makes me that someone.

I don't hate this girl, but yeah. My boyfriend cheated on me with her. She made my sandwich at Jimmy John's. It's just like the best revenge is living well, I guess. Not having to work at Jimmy John's?

You're making my sandwich, you lowly bitch. Should have been like, you did it wrong, make it again. Wrong bread. The customer's always right, slut. Yeah, and hold the spit.

Oh, goodness. I'm watching you. Yeah. It's a good thing that you can watch them. I know.

It is a darn good thing. If it was like any other restaurant, I would have just been like. Oh, I'm going to go. I think I'm going to go to Subway now. I'm going to go to Subway, yeah.

But, yeah. Yeah, I have no problem with her because, you know, it's just one of those situations where you're like, thank you for saving me a lot of time. That's true. I was going to make fun of you, but you've kind of done it yourself. What can I do to possibly make your.

Life any worse? No one will ever love you. You're ugly and you work at Jimmy John's. I win. Neener, neener.

That is the mature attitude we present here at Movie Nails. So. uh not related to movies in any way but just something interesting i wanted to share and it's a little bit of a dilemma i'm having right now my mom's ex-boyfriend robert is um fixing my bathroom wall for me and. The moldy wall that we talked about earlier the. Moldy wall uh and i used to be able to pay him in old milwaukee but he's joined aa and he won't accept money i don't know what to do Have. Him do it for free.

Free's always good. I guess I could give him a 12-pack of Coke, but it's just. Give him a lap dance. Ew. I was going to say, that's usually where it goes at that point.

I knew someone was going to suggest sexual favors. See, I tried not to. Other than sexual favors... Make him some cookies. There you go.

He doesn't really eat. He used to just drink all the time. Ew. Well, he's going to have to, like, substitute one for the other. You're going to the party.

You have to be a fish taco. I wasn't trying to say anything dirty this time. This is all you. You were insinuating. So, yeah, I say cookies or...

Real food. Mountain Dew. Recovering alcoholics need real food. He's going to have to substitute something for that. He was drinking a Coke.

A pack of smokes or something. I mean, he's going to have to find some other outlet. Lots of red meat. He went to throw his Coke can away and accidentally threw his cell phone in the dumpster, so he had to jump in the dumpster and pour it. It was so funny.

That sucks. Whoa. I told you guys she brings the story. We can't make up anything as weird as the ones you actually bring to us. Nope.

Wow. This is true. I do have a very fascinating life. I don't. Oh, Misty.

What? So I had to go pick him up at my mom's house, of course. And the concrete unicorn is gone. But on her porch, there's this giant. She'll never know I took it.

There's this giant dolphin rug. Oh. It's amazing. I meant to take a picture of. It, but I had to let it go in the car.

I didn't think it could get any classier than the concrete unicorn. But the torn rope and all, so it was actually technically a horse. I didn't really factor in the dolphin rug. No, see, it looks really good because she got her trailer. It goes well with the trailer.

Yeah, she got her trailer painted, and she got this sweet dolphin rug to match it. Coordinated. Yeah. Okay, you can't really go anywhere after she got her trailer painted. Yeah, that puts a stopper on it right there.

Can't polish a turd. That's it. My mom's like, what color do you think I should paint my trailer? Because I was like, why are you asking me? She's like, you're the one that went to school for this.

For trailer painting? I was like, mom, I did not spend $ 30, 000 to help you pick out colors to paint your trailer. And she was like, no, really. I'm thinking eggplant and cream. Our shoes are eggplant gray or something like that.

And I was like, do they make a paint that'll keep your roof from blowing. Off in a tornado? Because otherwise, I think it's kind of a moot point. Sherman Williams' twister-proof paint. Yeah, Trailer Park.

That'd be awesome. That's the new line, Trailer Park. Is invisible a color? Can I pick that? I don't want to have to be able to see it.

Whatever you have to paint. Is there a color that will make it look like a real house? Yeah, I know. Is there one called shame? That's the trailer color.

That's what color she painted it actually. Shame. Actually, my mom doesn't understand that there are different types of paint for different things. And she'll paint like. Did she paint with fingernail polish?

Yeah. If she had enough. Yeah. Well, she'll find paint at like the Salvation Army or something like that and just mix a whole bunch of it. It'll be like. oil-based paint and latex paint and semi-gloss and flat and eggshell and all this stuff and just combine it in one big bucket and that just.

Makes great yeah but uh she would like paint her door and then someone would come in and there'd be like dirty handprints all over it but she kept painting it in like a flat paint i'm just like you have to paint your door with a high gloss this is technical stuff i guess learn. Something new every day let's Never paint your door a flat pillar. $ 30, 000 to know this. That's money well spent right there. Yeah, but, yeah. She just would mix paint and have, like, four different color walls in one room because she'd run out and just mix more paint.

All right, is there more buzz or do you have more stories? To get back into it, okay, rig and biopic, who would you cast? Reagan biopic yep tommy lee jones. All right i like that it's. A good one i like that he's well that would be like the super old i don't even know if he could play the 80s version of him tommy lee's getting old now who.

Would you play as young pinch his face back a little. He'd be okay yeah he's getting pretty old too i don't know if we're doing like the hollywood years he's like 30s is probably where it caps off so Carl Urban. There you go. Carl Urban. Although he's getting to the high end.

I guess we will have to find some random kid running around. John C. Reilly. Chris Pine is still pretty gorgeous. Joseph Gordon left.

Which I am now in love with him. He will be in every movie. I have a new love. For him after. Hearing him sing Bad Romance and Natural Woman.

He has a website called play.com, I think. Yeah, it's awesome. I've been in love with him since high school. I never really cared about him that much until I heard him singing. Well, see, when I was younger and I exclusively fell in love with men who had long, flowing hair.

Now that makes me sick, but my bedroom walls were lined with photos of Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He's so dreamy. Oh, my God. They're rocking the sun. They're rocking the sun.

It's coming on in. Oh, good Lord. 4.30 every day. Yep. I think I missed that whole.

I mean, I remember seeing it, but I think I missed the whole bandwagon of him until recently. He's so sexy. Actually, I dated a guy who looked like. 12-year-old. He was sexy.

Well, I dated a guy who looked like a combination of him and Lyle Lovett. Ooh. It doesn't sound good. No, it doesn't, actually. It was okay.

I just saw Julia Roberts in my head for some reason. Wow, what a slam on Julia. I love Julia Roberts. I don't know why, but she just popped in there. Too many teeth.

I still have a lot of teeth. A lot of them. I don't think she has any more than normal. I think they're just bigger. Okay, that can get us away from Reagan then.

So those are our odd choices. If you have ideas for who you think... Julia. Roberts as Ronald Reagan. All righty.

I'm just imagining. He's more of a Jimmy Carter kind of. I'm just imagining Joseph Gordon-Levitt dancing around with Zooey Deschanel in the Why Do You Let Me Stay Here video. It's so cute. He goes to like Rob...

I think she works at a library. Maybe it's a bank, but in my mind it's a library. And he goes to Rob it and then they start dancing. Money, books, dancing. It's so cute.

He's still, he's going to have that Leonardo DiCaprio disease. He's going to be 45 and still look 16. Yeah, right. He's not aging. It's going to hurt him eventually.

I did watch him and Zooey Deschanel doing the Sid and Nancy. He's fucking awesome. Like, she's all right, but he is fucking awesome. Yeah, he's an amazing musician. She's a good one, too.

You've got to get used to her voice. It's weird, but when she do. You like it. Yeah, she's crossed over. I like her sister a little more.

Oh, really? I kind of like her. Her sister is way less cute. Nobody was on board for that. You are a stone her right now.

Screw that bones. I love her. That's what she said. That was an accident. But yeah, Zoe is like maybe the cutest girl ever made.

Ever. With those giant blue eyes that are just like blink. She's like a cartoon character. She is she's an anime character. She is she really is like a real life anime character like poor.

Man's version of her Katy Perry you know yeah I know they. Do look a lot alike though I do it's really weird very strange Katy Perry's like more refined like not really I don't think Katy Perry's more attractive but she's like a Zooey Deschanel's kind of natural her look is really natural Katy Perry you can tell she spends like six hours in the makeup chair. She needs it She's got to cover that Christ on her face. Take that, Katie. What on her face?

She used to be a Christian singer. Yeah, now her name is Katie Hudson. She's got to whore herself up a little bit. Katie Hudson. Yep, you can't sell that wholesome image.

Fuck that. Ask Jessica Simpson. I know. Yeah. She had nothing in her brain.

It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna.

It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna.

It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna.

It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna.

It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna.

It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna.

It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna.

It Chicken of the sea. Gosh, she's a fucktard. Right? Complete and total fucktard. Oh, so here's a new word I've been saying in the last week.

I don't know why. Oh, this man called into work and he was seriously retarded. And I put it on speakerphone because he kept asking me all these really annoying questions. And. all my coworkers are like, what is this? What is happening?

I was like, I don't know, but it's a legit retard. And then it just stuck, and I just keep calling people legit retards, which I think makes me a legit retard, but it's okay. Maybe so, actually. Legit retard. Put that in your vernacular.

I was fond of Motard for a while. Motard? Motard. Motard is that, like, hipster set right off of a moped. Motard.

It is now. And I've also been saying stick that in your vernacular and smoke it. I don't know why. Oh, God. Each week we find new and innovative ways to be more offensive.

I get geetard for a while. Geetard? Geetard. Yeah, that's a good one. Does that mean you play a guitar?

You don't have a key-tar? Probably a key-tar. A key-tar. Oh, yeah. Hi.

My mom doesn't even, not even to be funny, but she does pronounce guitar, guitar, guitar. Guitar. Guitar, yeah. Guitar. Totally happens.

Buzz? Was there more buzz? There was one more if we wanted to hear. Was it good or bad? Interesting, I suppose.

Can I tell one more funny story real fast? I just remembered this. Okay, so Friday I went to my friend I'm not going to refer to her real name because this is really sad. We'll call her Jenny. I went to my friend Jenny's house and her son, his name is Tommy, he's 12.

She'd been drinking malt liquor. My fault. My bad. Can you change her name, not the kid's name? Yeah, yeah.

I can't do that because I would have to think of another name. Yeah, okay. His name's Tommy, and she was like. Timmy, will you go downstairs and get my drink? And he goes, my name is Tommy, Mom.

Wow. And I started laughing so hard I fell on the ground. Did you pee yourself a little bit? No, but my friend Greg was pointing and laughing. He goes, are you peeing?

Are you peeing? Are you peeing on the ground? Oh, my God. Because normally you are. She called her own son the wrong name.

Now I know who that is. I'm going to go hang out in Target and find her. It's okay. If you know, let's... No one listens to this that I know.

I wonder why. I'm going to ask her how Timmy's doing next time. Timmy. I forgot her own child. I forgot her own child.

I just called her something else. That's so awesome. Not even like the wrong kid. Most parents end up doing that eventually. My grandma calls me Jennifer every once in a while.

My grandmother goes to like seven people to get to me. But that's different. She has one child. She doesn't have another kid. She has one child.

That's just sad is what that is. Poor Tommy. Poor Timmy. Poor Smitty. I should have changed it to like Johnny and Jeffrey or something.

Or to Timmy to Tommy. Have his real name be Timmy and then she calls him Tommy. That way it's all crazy. Aw, damn. They'd never piece it together again.

Everybody has been blown to pieces. It's okay. All right, moving on. Sorry. I got fish tacos waiting for me.

See, it wasn't even me this time. Oh, Lord. All right. Buzz. Buzz.

Dutch action director Jean de Bon became the butt of many movie geeks' joke back in the 90s. But, you know, you haven't heard anybody complain about his cheesy, over-the-top movies in a long time. You know why? He hasn't made one in seven years. Because of the ridicule?

No, just because he's lame. I wish Huey Bull would quit making movies because people make fun of him. No. He's got a mission. What?

Sorry. I don't know. House of the Dead. Dude, seriously. That's a great movie.

It was a good video game, though. It was a shitty movie. I doubt it. So, this time, Jean de Bon is preparing to return with his adaptation of the Chinese 6th century tale of Ha Mulan, the young girl who joined the all-male army and helped. Did you just hack something up during that?

I. Do you know Chinese? No. I was speaking a special dialect of Chinese. Mandarin.

No, that's just oranges. So, yeah, she's, you know, much as we know, the young girl who joined the all-male army and helped lead them to victory. Didn't Disney already do this? Yes. The most famous adaptation would be the 98 Disney version, but there has also been a Chinese live-action movie last year.

Have you seen that one, Roger? It's, um, let's see. Shouyi is the woman who was in that one, who actually I've seen the trailer for it. It looks good. Like, if you like big epic battle movies, it's... it looks pretty epic.

It's very, I'm amazed at some of the money they put into this. Cause it's just like hordes of people out on the fields of costumes and horses and yeah. Attacking each other out in the field. So it looks pretty epic. Yeah.

I'm surprised they got that much budget to back this movie and it hasn't really made its way over here at all. But, um, yeah, this time they're changing up and, uh, John's Mulan will film this fall outside Shanghai, but will also be in English and will star Zhang Zi. Go ahead, Misty. God, she's the cutest thing ever. Oh, my God, I love Zhang Zi.

Isn't it all fucking backer test? See, they have her listed as Zhang Zi, but I was like, I thought they were trying to switch it years after everybody got used to it. No, but she's so cute. I don't even know who that is. She's in Ratchet and Tiger, Hidden Hotness, or whatever.

Or The Wonders of Rush Hour 2. Yes, The Wonders, that one. Wonder why I paid to see that movie. Oh, that. So, yep, she is going to.

I'm usually not big on Asian chicks, but God, she's... I heard Lucy living up there. Wasn't there a buzz somewhere? I think we lost it. Congratulations.

Have fun. I came in at the end. That was not me. I'm assuming we're done then. Yes, we're done.

Then we should probably wrap up this first half of the episode. That's a train wreck right there. All right, then we will invite you to come back and join us for the Out on the Town feature this week as we head out and watch Resident Evil Afterlife. Go 3D. That's my gun effects, just so you know.

It's like I'm mesmerized. Pew, pew. It's like you're right there. Pew, pew. Pew, pew.

Pew, pew. Pew, pew. I've been full of sound effects lately. Plink, plink. Okay, I'm done.

If that hasn't deterred you, come back and join us. How could that possibly deter anybody? Oh my god, there's a girl making sound effects. I'm so on this show. Chance that we have What a way to go out And derail I'm afraid.

I failed to keep you. By myself. We made will keep us trusting For the love of God What a way to go out. Is Doctor throwing Martin Warren to his horrible pet alligators? And will the Jap spies force Linda to.

Give them a receipt for the vital radium shipment they plan to steal? Don't fail to see Slaves of the Rising Sun, Chapter 4 of Batman at this theater next week. This show is a production of Movie Meltdown, produced and edited by Brian Renfro. with opening music performed by the Empires. To help support the show, email producer at moviemeltdown.com for ways that you can contribute or advertise with us.