Bava and Black Lace (Promo)

All right. We have returned. Are we ready to tell people about a movie that we probably don't want to see? But then every time I give the synopsis, you guys are like, ooh, that sounds good. Yeah.

And I feel like we're going to watch it, and you're going to be like, this sucked. So, this time around, we will tell them about, I figured it tied in, In a Dark Place. Because later we're going to be discussing the movie that there's a lot of darkness involved. For a second there, I thought you were jumping right into the movie, and I'm like, that is not what I watched. You have never done this before.

So. In a dark place, according to this box that I saw. Anna takes a new job as a nanny to two young orphans. Her new workplace is a remote country estate with beautiful grounds. Miles and Flora, the children, seem sweet and charmed.

I was like, wait a minute. Have we freaking seen this? And six variations of it? They've made like three in the last 20 years. Like.

How many times do we need to watch the same story? I have no idea what you guys are talking about. And you did an entire episode on it at least once we've covered this. I don't know if you were on that one. I thought he was.

Maybe not. You guys are doing these without me. Well, it was a long time ago. I didn't tell you about it, but you know. If you guys really want him to show up, you're going to have to sponsor an extra like five bucks because we've got an extra point for Phillip.

You've got to pay if you want Phillip. To show up. Oh, yeah. It is. This don't come cheap i feel like expensive but.

We take what we can get it yeah no is this not the turning yeah is this not turn of the screw yeah it's not the what was the i mean good version of the oh that i. Sound vaguely yeah they're all. The same thing no it's turn it's uh the innocence the one from the 60s. Innocence when i did a whole episode on and it's Yeah. I love that movie.

But yeah, also The Turning, which was terrible. Which was pretty rough, yeah. I just don't remember those specific names. Miles and. Yes, Miles and Flora.

Is that exactly their names? Yes, that's their names. I didn't even know that much. I just knew the plot's exactly the same. Oh yeah, I interrupted you.

What's the rest of the synopsis? Does it really matter? Is it just spooky things? This perfect world quickly fades as she... Makes disturbing discoveries.

Do we need to go on? I'm sure. Ghosts and shit. I don't know. I've stopped paying attention.

But what was missing from your other version was Lili Sobieski. Oh. So if you need a Lili Sobieski version of the same story that we've heard and talked about multiple times. Well, what do I. Need a Lili Sobieski version of?

I mean, come on. The Glass House. I love The Glass House. I'm trying to think. I was like, that was probably her biggest sort of by herself movie.

She was the star of that one. She was kind of side in several others at the time. And I guess now she's making it a dark place. When did that come out? Couldn't tell you the last time I've seen a Lili Sobieski fronted vehicle.

No. Let's see. This one has a sticker on it like it was a rental copy if that gives you any idea. Somewhat. Huh.

2006. Well, there you go. Just the other day. Huh. In my head.

Really, that was a long time ago. It's sad when that happens. Yeah. I do that a couple of times a week. I do it daily.

Yeah. I'm just like, oh, do you mean the, oh, wait, math. Oh, shit. No. No one should be allowed to do another adaptation of that.

We can eat at least a moratorium. Give us a good 50 years. Right. In 50 years, come back, you can do one with your space person or whatever. If CG robots are making movies, then I don't know.

I mean, we're already kind of there at this point, so I can only imagine 50 years from now what sort of weird robots are in charge. Turn of the screw in space. It'll be fun. It's the Starring Pigs in Space, because that I would watch. I would watch that, yeah.

So yeah, if you'd like us to watch that, you can suggest that. If not, we really suggest that you go join the Meltdown Horror Club and give us a better option than that that may or may not be an exact ripoff of Turn of the Screen. Or even if you hate us, give us something terrible. Torture us. We have nothing to live for at this point.

We kind of do it to ourselves now. You might as well join in. I mean, Nora's newly happily married, but that'll wear off. That's funny. She'll need something to distract from her days of like, oh, God, I'm with this guy all the time.

I didn't really think that part through. It's true. It's already set in. For being honest, it'll probably go the other way. What was I thinking?

Why is she here again? She's making me watch these terrible horror movies. That's true. I've got to get out of here. That's how I try to get my alone time.

Yeah. I'll make him go away by watching crap. He's like, ooh, I gotta go do anything else. Anyway, I'll be back. You can add to that.

Give us something to watch. He'll have a reason to run out of the room. Yeah. In the meantime, we'll go to another dark place and we'll say creepy things like this. There were a lot of points where I covered my eyes and would not look at the TV and Pierce was going, oh my God, oh my God.

And you're horribly jaded, so that says something. I know, and I'm used to stuff. Which I know has already turned Brian off because reading. Books. Thank you.

I'm about 70 pages in and it is slow. Oh, yeah. It spins a lot of time. And we recently went back and rewatched all of Jersey Shore. So we're stacking dead girls at this point.

In the trying to piece together the overview of the story, I was like, maybe it's blown a little out of proportion, this, I'm again using quotes, plan. Yeah. Well, this one was also hyped, but it was gnarly. It was really bad. Good gnarly?

Yeah. Okay. Like. Well, I would like to see a scene where one of the cops is like, well, if We just sit back and wait. There will only be one left.

Right. Police work. That's police work. Probably a sex maniac. Only men can be sex maniacs.

Obviously. I don't know if either of you have ever tried to strangle someone. I have not. I have not. But I assume it would not give me.

I mean, when they ask or not. Well, my point is I don't know if I would have time to take my other hand and write out a little note. It's equating the end of the world with getting in a committed relationship that's how like he is that level of juvenile I don't know if you guys noticed but a couple of times in this movie ladies were in their brassieres sex maniacs yep that we are so we've discussed in previous movies some of which in this subgenre Mannequins. Alright, I'm a weirdo. I like some mannequins.

For odd reasons, and not even the weird ones you might think. Yeah, when he pulled it out, he was like, drugs. I was like, wait, is that that big of a deal? I know, I was like, wait, what year is this? It's the 60s in Italy in a fashion house?

Yeah, there's gonna be cocaine, my guy. Come on. For some reason. There's at least one scene of a car driving backwards for a really long time. This had that three times that I remember.

Really? Yeah. I will say whatever eyeliner they were using, I wanted because the last kill where they have the girl in the bathtub completely stays on. Waterproof, yo. Yes.

It's really impressive. Look at that. And that's about it. The supernatural stuff is Barely mentioned it all so far. Yeah.

There are a lot of priests in it, so. They got to get you invested in the characters first. And I'm not. So far, I don't care about any of it. At that point, I'm just like, if you came to this movie for dialogue.

Yeah. Well, no. I feel like you took a wrong turn. No, I got most of what I was expecting, which is, again, the cars, the beautiful women, and the skinny ties. Mm-hmm.

And was one of those that like in that 70s era when movies were done, they just ended. Like, is the story wrapped up? Nah, not really. But look at this cool way we found to end it. Like, there's this shot and it's a shocking scene and then we got the credits.

What are you doing, Sean? You're just a drunken idiot. He's a drunken idiot. You're just a drunken idiot. And that would be enough explanation for me.

Yeah. Epileptic sex maniac. First of all, speaking of purses, in your purse right now, do you have $ 1, 000 in cash? I do not. Damn it.

I know. I was totally going to hit you up for that. Maybe I just got no coltron. I don't know. We know that.

That's a given. But again, I'm just starting to medically be concerned. I will admit that my... attention span is not. What's going on? Well, and this was pre-DNA, so at some point the detectives are talking about the shoes, and all I could think of was, wouldn't it be funny if you were to commit murders with the most ridiculous shoes?

Clown shoes. Yeah, you do like clown shoes. You do like these little stilettos and like these tiny little beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And like you switch out your shoes every time. You get away with a lot of stuff.

Yeah, kind of. You just switch your shoes. But yeah, I just like the lengths he will go to to not let anyone else touch his shit. I'm like, I respect that, you crazy old man. Well, my favorite part is the first time I saw it, my quote was, hey, Nora, where'd you get this creepy.

Painting of these kids? And you're like, oh. Did you find it, or was it here when you moved in? And your response was, that's. Me and my brother.

I am that creepy kid. I hate to break it to you, but should Nora die. Which let's hope not. Knock on wood. I will go out of my way to make sure that painting is either buried with her or thrown in the cremated thingy.

When your movie makes so little sense that you have to have the guy explain exactly why you did it like that. To the person who did it with him. Right. And you're still kind of like, I guess. I mean, I guess.

But then why her? And then why did she? I don't get it. You could just murder people and move around the country and have fun doing it. Am I sounding a little wistful about it?

Well, I'm concerned about the way you are. The good old days when you could just murder people. Well, that feels like that was a whole episode. Well, there you go. See you guys next time.

Next time around. So go to MovieMeltdown.com, join the Meltdown Horror Club, and give us something better to watch than whatever Lili Sobieski's doing on a random Tuesday. Unless she wants to come on. She can't. Tell us about her.

She's like, oh, I didn't even know this was based on a book. Really? I don't know. Lili might be super smart. Very well read.

Let's find out. I just assume everyone's better read than I am. Thank you.