14: The Perfect Weapon

Hello, and welcome to the On Sagal Podcast, the podcast about all Things Stephen Sagal. I am your host, Trevor Gumble, and with me, as always is my lovely co host, Chris Statue. So, Trevor, I just want to get this out of the way right now, because it's it's been a while since we've recorded. Some things have happened in our world since we recorded, and I don't want to get too political on this podcast, but of course not. I feel like it goes without saying.

Um, Stephen Sagal has become increasingly more problematic. Oh yes, yes, last month, given the Russian invasion of Ukraine by Steven Seagal's pal, Vladimir Putin, where he has a dual citizenship. Now do I know Stephen Seagal's opinion on the Ukrainian War, the Russian the unnecessary Russian invasion of Ukraine? Do I know his opinion any more than you do? No, but I can probably guess what it might be.

I'm not going to say what I think it is, but let's just put it this way. Um. Do I wish we weren't talking about Steven Seagal, No, but we have to. Now really divorce the man from the projects. Yeah, because because war was sexual assault and everything else, which is awful, and now it's double awful, triple awful, compounded awful because he's been putin.

You know, official, what if Vladimir Putin had the perfect weapon? That's a good, good point and a great segue to our film tonight into a movie featuring Steven Seagal and Johnny Messner once again. So yeah, on this episode, Yeah, on this episode of the show we're gonna be talking about is the Perfect Weapon from twenty sixteen, a film that is not rated because it probably oh wait, no, it didn't come out in theaters because it is a streaming only red box. Together, we are rebuilding the world. The director sees all your hard work and punish anyone who threatens the state or its citizens.

I feel like a machine. For the past two years, I can't remember, model and confusing. I have to know more. You spent too much time, too much effort, Too many lives were lost to get this thing. In order.

We need somebody that can successfully take out the next outcomes of Condor is the best make him a perfect weapon? Yeah, and the last thing a professional killer needs is feelings. And they knew that my death would cause last human part of you, so they could use you. They were wrong. When I raise your hand, you go up.

When I raise you down, get down. When I lift you up, you go up. All of these things manipulates. We need to take out the director uprising his arm. You do this and you come back to me.

I'm not only liven. What is this film about? You ask? Well? This film is about Johnny Messner, who plays Agent forty three from Hitman, a generic Hitman character who h fails to eliminate his target and then he gets brought in for reconditioning and he does not want to be reconditioned.

And the villain of the movie is played by Steven Seagal, who's in the movie for about five minutes. But I gotta tell you he's not terrible in this This movie is not terrible. It's actually this movie is actually pretty fun. It's it's watchable. It's not it's not bad.

I mean, I don't know if it's not bad. It's bad, it's but it's it's a level of enjoyable bad. It's you can't enjoy it's it feels inspired by things that I have seen before. It feels a little this is going to be really stretching it, but it's kind of dread inspired, this kind of dystopian universe where you've got these kind of like the law is you know, the law is the law, and and then it's a little equilibrium. It's a I don't know, it's just inspired by much better things, to the point where you're just trying to convince yourself that there's something valuable here when it's essentially just things copped from other movies and TV shows that repurposed for a Steven Seagal six million dollars film that made fifteen thousand dollars in the box office because oh, by the way, it actually was released in really by the way, Johnny Messner's character name is Condor.

Yeah, do you know who his character was originally going to be played? But no, tell me Dolph Lundgren. That would have taken this movie to a whole new fucking level. If it had been Dolph Lundgren, this movie would have probably gotten a theatrical release that almost definitely, if not a pretty high profile DVD release or straight to video release. Yeah.

Probably because Dolph Lundgren has done his fair share of DTV. But the difference is his are usually pretty good quality. Like he doesn't have asked any ever, he never have to ask as his films. Well, again, the issue that we keep running into with these Seagal movies is more a it's more of an issue of his involvement is so minimal. Yeah, and it's like, to call this a Steven Seagal movie is as a little unfair to Johnny Mester.

It's actually really unfair to Johnny Mester, because this is a Johnny Messner movie. Messner is not a bad act No he isn't. No, he's not. He's very He's a very very capable action star about that. He has the look, but he's okay.

He's like you know, Jeff Ahey, I mean, there have to be guys making these level of movies. There just have to be like anything else. Well, I mean, I think like back in the nineties, they were trying to get every guy to be the next action hero. They would have at least I mean, you know, like they would have the at least one theatrical release where they tried to sell the person as this next action hero. And usually it wouldn't go very well.

And I go to what I'm thinking of. When I heard The Perfect Weapon, I thought of the Jeff Speakman film from like ninety two ninety three, and they were trying to like market him as like the next big thing, and it just didn't work right. And they've done that a few times. Yeah, Um, like they um, the late Brandon Lee, his first like major solo action film was hard. Uh what was it?

Rapid Fire? Um? I mean he'd done films before, Like he did a showdown Little Tokyo, one of my favorite action film by the way, with our favorite Dolph Funderent in it. Yeah, but they tried, Uh, they were pushing him as like, you know, rapid Fire, you know, Brandon Lee this and he was good. He was really good.

Yeah. So I mean it's really hard to kind of sell an action euro but you gotta. I don't think the studios really really understand that there needs to be more than just decent looking, muscular and physical. There's got to be some kind of personality in it. And Johnny Mester has a little bit there.

He's got a little personality in the film. I mean he's playing basically a programmable assassin. Yeah. Like I said, it's there's like there's shades of other things, Like there's shades of Blade Runner, you know, with his like you know, his like memory is all fucked up and it needs like it's wiped and it's not wiped, and he's having these like memories that are pushing through through his like wiped memory. It's got a little giant emnic in there.

Yeah, there's it's it's inspired by a lot of stuff because again it's taking place in this dystopian future where the kind of the state government controls everything. It's very talentarian and Steven Sigal is the is the is the leader, the direct director, like he's his his They have him projected on big ass fucking buildings. Yeah, and they he has like news there's news reports, like smiling and like talking about it and basically he's like peaks Steven Seagal like dying his hair, Like I don't notice he looks he just he looks it like he looks like he's he's not giving up his age yet. I don't think he's ever going to do that. Sure, but like at this point it's noticeable.

Now, Yeah, it's it is. It's noticeable. Yeah, and again it's also really noticeable when you don't do anything in the movie. I mean, but you know what, for not doing much, I thought he was actually not bad performance wise. His character was actually kind of interesting to watch for the few times a few minutes that he's in the film.

Um, he's doing his he's doing a semi he's doing a semi uh street accent. I guess yeah, boy, I don't get that accent. Man let men, Like, what the fuck is this ship? Dude? He always does it.

It's like, you're not from the streets, Dude, You're from like Detroit, You're from Lansing, motherfucker Lansing, Michigan. And the thing about it ain't no hood claimed and you ain't no street claiming you Segal, Like it's just not happening. And the weird thing about his character is like he's not entirely unlikable. No, he's not a villain. That's like, Oh, I hate this guy.

I hope he gets fucking killed. There's something kind of calm cool about him, Like he knows everything. He's the smart he is the smartest guy in the room. Of course, that's why they wanted that's why Segal took the role, right exactly. Um, but it's but you know, we've we've kind of had this discussion once before, and you know, I want to bring it up again, like this is not a Seagal No, this is very much Johnny Messner's Johnny Messner's show.

Um, which is the problem because as good as Johnny Mesner might be, he's he's not even as good as Seagal. Is that that that's a that's fair? I mean, I know he's he's not a bad actor. He's just not an interesting actor. He's not an actor.

But I don't know if he's never been given anything to work with. But he was in Cosmic Sin, he was in Beyond the Law, in a bunch of these movies that go straight to streaming. There's nothing wrong with that, But that's not I just I have a hard time understanding the appeal of an action star who's not charismatic. I agree with that. I can agree with that.

When one of your villains is more charismatic than you are, that's a problem. Well, I mean, I agree that villains are more charismatics than he is in the film, and there are a couple of different ones. But I think he's just enough to get people to rent it. He's the bare minimum basically. But I think he's got potential, is what I'm trying to say.

If he's given a good enough script where he can show off his charm, he can like, Okay in this film, I can kind of understand why he's low on charisma because he's trying to play this emotionless hit man that's being controlled and programmed, so he has to play it's somewhat kind of kind of stilted, kind of void of personality. Right, But what was the film we first saw him in? It was that Oh shit? Was that what we called General Commander? General Commander?

Um? One where I just said the title like two seconds ago, didn't I I don't know. I think you did um where he's like on the law? Yeah? Is that?

Wasn't that the one with DMX? Yeah? Yeah? Um? He was decent on that one.

I thought he was. He was pretty good in that one. Uh he's he's no, he's Johnny Messer, uh, you know, because he does what he's supposed to do, and he does it adequately. At least in this film. He goes to kill a rival politician and he doesn't kill the woman who was also sent to kill the right right, and and and that's when they're like, oh, you know you went against your programming, we have to take you in for reprogramming.

And he's like, I don't need to be reprob That's this is also a common plot thing where the assassin won't kill the target and now they're after the assassin. Uh. There's a movie called uh what was Memory coming out with Liam Neeson where he plays an assassin that won't kill this child and how they come after him. But the problem is he's losing his memory. Um, so he decides he wants to take he wants to take down the whole system, so the whole like government controlled, Sigal controlled thing, because everybody is being watched everywhere at every time.

That's that's what's happening. And he's introduced in the film, um killing Killing, Like was it they were meeting up at three guys at this like casino or a club or something. Because you know, there has to be tits in a Cigal film. Yeah, boy doesn't there. It's again, there's a lot of things in this what we've seen like before, We've seen these like kind of things before.

But here's something I wanted to point out to you, and I don't know if I don't know, if you saw this, Okay, this is going to color your opinion of our dear friend, mister Johnny Messner. Johnny Messner, while doing press for Anaconda Hunt for the Blood or Kid, a classic, yeah of classic film, he said this, you see in Hollywood, we've lost the real man. They're gone. They're so pretty that you know, if I was drunk and I turned around, if I was drunk and I turned Brad Pitt around, I might fuck him. My philosophy is that in Hollywood right now, we've got Orlando Bloom I swear he's got a pussy.

I swear he's got a pussy. Either that or he's a hermaphrodite. It's one of the two. And he's like the big thing. So we've got Brad Pitt, who I love because Brad can play a lot of roles.

He's like one of the few. But all the Harrison Fords and Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis Is, all the guys that were men are gone. It's been seven years since we had any real men in Hollywood. And why did he say this, I don't know. Whenever two thousand and four.

He may have changed his views, but if he hasn't it was a different time. Then If he hasn't that it was a different time, then Trevor, No, I'm serious. If he hasn't changed his views from then fuck him. You know you know, Trevor, you know the film Irreversible? Right, I still haven't watched it.

Vincent Castle, Monica Bellucci, Right, yeah, I know which what you're talking about, but I still haven't asked. They asked him about it, Oh, Vincent, Vincent Castle, Monica Bellucci looked very hot, looked like a very hot couple. Did you see the movie that they did? This is Johnny Messner's actual response. Are you prepared for this?

He answers, Irreversible? Yeah, I jerked off to that like ten times. Okay, gentleman. That is a film with a ten minute long rape scene. Yeah, and I think that's the scene he's talking about.

I don't assume anything, but boy, I don't know what else hee would have been. Jerking off to that scene is the reason I still haven't seen Irreversible because seen that. Most people don't rewatch that movie. For him, yeah, me and rape scenes can't do it. I'm sorry.

And on his Wikipedia. First off, he has a tattoo of Monica Bellucci, and on his Wikipedia it seems very much like someone in his team has been writing on It says that he starred in Anaconda Hunt for the Blood Orchid as ex military man Bill Johnson, and this is written on his thing. It was the actor's first leading role in a mainstream movie, and it gave him a chance to impress the audience with a perfect musculature. The portrayal gained him the status of a sex symbol. Yeah.

I don't I don't understand what's going on with these folks, man, because it seems like we're all of a sudden talking about movies with people that I really don't want to talk. Okay, right now, Okay, here's the thing. Right now. I looked up his Twitter and it looks like he has he tweeted in about two years. But now I'm looking at his Instagram.

Oh boy, nothing too controversial yet. Um yeah, it just looks like a typical, typical, typical Twitter. He's got two daughters, it looks like, and a wife. Let's see. He seems to be more on the spiritual side.

Maybe he's mellowed out in eighteen years. But bro, like, trying to be controversial in Hollywood like that is pretty cringe. It looks like he's like very into psychedelics and spirituality. From what I'm seeing, maybe he's mellowed out, But boy, I mean, what a fucking weird thing to say. Right, well, that's probably why he hasn't gone very far in the business.

You don't say shit like that and expect to get work. Oh, I'm Bruce Willis's best friend. That's also a thing he said, Like, I'm Bruce and I are best buddies. Like, yeah, you're not No, no, no, You're not diehard Bruce Willis's best friend. You're fucking DTV Bruce Willis's best Yeah, your DTV.

Bruce Willis not giving a shit sin cosmic sin or he will original cosmic sin. Bruce Willis, Bruce, I have a DTV coming out every week in this year, probably Willis. Dude. It's you know what's wild about Bruce Willis. It's like Bruce Willis took the mantle from Seagal.

Right, No, because I still kind of like Bruce Willis as a person, even though I've heard many times he's kind of a dick. But not as much as Seagal. Sure, I mean you can go there, you can, you can do the whole Kevin Smith's cop out experience of what you believe about Bruce Willis, which I totally believe it happens. Sure, but let's also not sit here and pretend like Kevin Smith doesn't have a big personality on his own. No, I'm not, I know.

But my point is, like I always take that story with a grain assault because it's well Kevin Smith, Well, he usually tells a story in front of people, and he probably exaggerates for the crowd. Oh I don't think he No, no, no, I don't think he's exaggerating. I think he's telling the true performing. I just I just think that when you have a big personality like Kevin Smith does, I don't see how your personality is gonna not clash with people if you have a big personality. Because I don't know what Bruce Willis is like as a person, but I know what Kevin Smith is like as a person, as do you.

I don't have to guess what Kevin Smith is like. Kevin Smith doesn't hide who he is. No, he's pretty much what you see is what you get right, which might lead me to believe some people are just not gonna jibe with that. They're not gonna jibe with that at all. And no, because Bruce willis like he's seen heart knit fucking Harrison Ford's story.

You remember that. It's like that. I don't remember Hollywood Homicide where Josh Josh Hartnett after the movie was like this sucked. Harrison Ford was awful to work with. I never want to work with him.

I never want to work like, never meet your heroes, like go look it up. Like it was like there was this whole thing after the fact, it was like never heroes. Harrison was still me sure, sure, but who's still working not hartn It technically both of them. Yeah, but you don't see hartn It very often anymore. Yeah, but I think that seems like a that seems like a personal choice.

Um, here's the thing. I didn't see Hollywood House Side. I might seen clips or whatever, but I can see because Okay, the thing back to Kevin Smith. Kevin Smith is very boisterous, very out there, very happy, very he's you know, he's very and some people just are kind of taken aback and kind of you know, put off by that because Bruce Willis is kind of the opposite from what I from what I can understand, I'm not gonna say I know what Bruce Willis is like, but I'm just gonna say for what I from what I can gather, he's very kind of chill to himself, you know, low key. He just wants to sit down, just wants to do his work and you know, not be like, you know, all over the place about it.

And I think that definitely does clash. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I say, like, I take it with a grain of salt, because if it were if it were someone like normal telling that story, it's one thing. But it's like it's fucking Kevin Smith. Well, I mean, and plus pop Out was his worst film of Kevin Smith's career.

That that movie was bad. But then again, he didn't write it, he just directed it. And I don't think he's ever going to do that again. And to your point, Josh Hartnett has been working every year for like the last two twenty years. Yeah, I just well, he was another he was another it guy that kind of where Yeah in the late nineties, remember because he did the faculty he did uh, he did Um, he did Halloween h two, he did the Virgin Suicides, Thirty Days of Night, thirty Days of Nights Harbor.

That was like the big that was the big one. Oh God, Pearl Harbor forty days and forty nights is pretty good. Yeah, except for the rape scene. Well yeah, but it's but the point, like it makes sense on that move. No it doesn't.

It's a fucking rape scene. But that's the point. That's like that it makes sense in the context of the movie. But it's played form. No, No, it's played for comedy, and I don't like that.

Maybe I haven't seen it in a long time. Then she fucking rapes him sleeping actually happened, He'll sleep. Yes, this the story is based off of, Um, what the fuck the dude? What the hell? The guy's name the lead singer of a band.

He wrote the story about his own experiences, and now I can't fucking remember that actually happened. Okay, Well I still okay that move. Okay, Like like I said earlier, rape in film, even if it's played for comedy, I don't find it funny. Sure, I get it, because okay, I know we're getting way off topic, but I gotta just get this off my fucking chest. Horrible Bosses, Horror Bosses too, in particular, well what it was like free association here, No, no, no, listen understand, Like you said, Horrible Bosses.

That's I don't know you have you seen the first Horrible Bosses? Yeah? Okay, So you know in the film, Jennifer Anderston wants to fuck Charlie Day, right, okay. In the second film, Charlie Day at the end is in a coma and he wakes it from the coma and he finds out that while he was in the coma, Jennifer Anderston fucked him or something to that effect, and that's played for a laugh. Yeah, that's in bad taste, and that's not funny.

That never is funny. Bad movie came out in twenty fourteen. Yeah, and it was bad. That first one was good. Though I liked the first one, the second one sucked.

I actually I don't even remember. The only thing I remember for the first one is that Joan Grufford scene where he's like, yeah, oh yeah, where's it's like, come to like come to get the guy's piss on him? Yeah, and he's act. You know, they thought he was a hit man. He's actually a guy who pisses on people.

Pisses on people because he brings it. He brings that sheet into there, and they think, oh my god, we don't mean us. He's like, gentlemen, what do you think I do? Yeah, the first one was funny. The first one was very funny, except for Kevin Spacey in it.

Um right. I think Josh Josh Hartnett, for me, is one of those actors when I think about him, it's like he should never have been like that. He seems like always his success seems to be dramatic, and they like for some reason, they were like, he's not like a dramatic actor. It was like, no, this hematic jobs. I mean had full You ever see that show?

He was pretty good? I have not? Is it that was Showtime? Right? He was good on Penny.

He was on good on Penny, dreadful good in Thirty Days of Night too. Dirty Night is a good film. I haven't seen it in a long time now. Doesn't also have Ben Foster, another good actor that we don't hear about much. Yeah.

It also has Danny Huston and Mark is it Huston or Houston? I don't know. I call him Huston, correct, I call him Houston. He was in Wolverine, isn't he? Well?

Can Josh Hardnet was in Black Hawk Down. I never saw that his good movie. That's okay. His first movie was The Faculty, though that was the first I thought was his first movie. What came first the same year, the same same year, ninety I gotta say December twenty fifth of ninety eight, and so Halloween H two came.

But Halloween H two, dude, oh man, I fucking I love The Faculty so so much. And Williamson there's a reason it's a good movie. So well, don't mention Kevin Williamson to some people, because some people fucking hate Kevin Williamson's writing. I don't know. I like, here's the thing is that Kevin Williamson, like, you couldn't really do horror back in the late nineties without Kevin Williamson being involved.

Somehow he was even involved in H two, even though he didn't write it right. But from what I have heard recently is that H two feels like Scream it does. Halloween H two isn't bad. I also what I've heard, but the ending is a total fucking cop out. Well, No, actually, no, the ending isn't a cop out until Resurrection.

I was about to say, from what I've heard, Resurrection seems to be the problem. Yeah, because the ending of Halloween h two was fine until Resurrection came along and said, Nope, that's not what happened. I've never seen I know you what you did last summer. But that's also written by Kevin Williamson. No, that's a good film.

I like, I knew what you did. That The sequel was terrible, but I like the first one. On full first one all right? Um, he also wrote, Oh god, what else did you write? He wrote Scream?

He wrote Scream two. He didn't write Scream three. That was Aaron Kruger teaching Missus Tingle. Oh yeah, that was not very well received. But I thought it was all right.

I thought was it wasn't bad. Yes, he did write Screw four. Um, he didn't do Scream five. No, but Scream fives. Here's my problem with Scream five.

I think I'm not blamed. This isn't the movie's fault by any means. I think it was my expectations that weren't that that I got disappointed, And that's why I was kind of disappointed by Scream five because of my expectations. Nothing that fucking expectations and my expectations were the same. You getting disappointed that Matthew Lillard's not in it is not something to be actually disappointed about.

He is, actually, he is actually in it. I know, And so was fucking Ryan Johnson, and so were a bunch of people in that one scene. Bro, we haven't mentioned the best part of this movie. Vernon fucking Wells. Thank you steals the fucking movie complete, thank you, right, Like, you could just watch that scene, like, just go Vernon Wells.

Vernon Wells steals every fucking movie he's at because Vernon Wells is the fucking man. I love Vernon Wells to an insane degree. Let off some steam, Bennett, Come on, Bennett, that's putty. God. Vernon Wells, I'm pretty sure walked onto set onto the set of this movie, looked around and said, boy, this is it's just a bullshit, but I'm giving it my all, Like and boy, fuck man.

When he showed up, I could think was like, why is this movie just not Johnny Mesner fucking trying to fight Vernon Wells the entire movie because Vernon Wells is too good for this, but yet he's in this movie. Yeah, sporting his like wacky ass David s Pumpkin's hair. But god, damn Vernon Wells. Just when I saw his name in the credits, I'm like, yes, I forgot until he showed up and then I was like, oh, right, Vernon Wells is in this movie. No, No, Vernon Wells was the villain, like we've kind of been quoting in Commando.

In Commando he was. He was in The Road Warrior. Right, I've never seen Mad Max, but I know he's in Uh, he was in The Road Warre. He was a weird science. Weird science.

He played basically the same character and weird science and interspace. He did a comedy called Shrimp on the Barbie back in like the early nineties, which was pretty bad. That's the movie that's so bad that the director wanted to be was credited as Alan Smithy. That's how bad the movie is. That it's that good.

Well, it's got cheech marin in it, and Vernon Wells plays the asshole boyfriend of the love interest, um, who's like this big rugby star. What the fuck ever? You have to watch it? It's it's it's bad, sounds sounds like shit, it is pretty bad. But Vernon Wells is an Australian actor um very well known for action, mostly well known for action, known for Commando and Mad Max too that that's but usually much and he always usually plays the villain.

He's never really a hero because he plays such a fucking great villain. He's got that great Australian accident and that voice where he's just intimidating as fuck. I mean, and he's got a good look. He's got a good face. He's got a great, great look.

I mean, he looks like a badass. Like you look at this guy and you don't fuck with it. And you know, he really steals the scenes that he's in in Commandos. One of course he does. But he's one of those villains that's like you feel like he's evenly matched against Arnold, and that's not a frequent like even as good as all those Arnold movies are, which the Arnold movies are the action movies that we hold every action movie up against pretty much at least eighties, Vernon Wells is like one of the few villains that Arnold actually is, Like you could believably see Arnold losing to this guy well, because Bennett is just insane.

He's fucking huge too, just like Arnold. He's massive. Yeah, but the most important thing is he's crazy sure, and he just I think he loves pain. Well, here's the thing. That's the thing about Arnold, that's how he defeasts.

He plays to his fetish. He plays that what licking the knife and telling him, you know, look how it looks with U turn my face looks with U turn it. Come on, Bennett, let's potty. He's almost playing it like a sexual fetish. And it shows you how crazy Bennett is because he's really into knife play apparently, and it's great.

Vernon Wells just plays it's so crazy, it's awesome, and I really I mean, of course Arnold was going to defeat him, but if anybody was going to defeat Arnold, it would have been Vernon Wells because he's just And then you get to this movie and Vernon Wells is just leaning into the craziness. Yeah, his scene isn't long. He's playing a torturer basically because in this scene, Johnny Messner is hanging up because they've caught him. And now they're trying to get him. What are they trying to get him to do?

That's trying to get information out of him. Yeah, because they're trying to stop the the coup and take over and destruction of the of the system. Obviously, he fails because Johnny Mesner gets away. Of course he has to get it away and he you know, I mean Johnny, that's scene. The way that he kills him is pretty great.

But also it's like you could see it coming because that's kind of there's this twist in the movie where Condor aka Johnny Messner's handler played like you mentioned by Richard Tyson, he turns on 's character. Kind of it feel like that it was like a double turn because it's there's like a twister. There's the similarly to these other goddamn fucking Sigall movies, there's like a massive twist at the end. Well, I mean, Richard Tyson in the beginning, you could see that he was going to turn On Sigal. It's yeah, it's it's pretty because he's pretty mubvious writing.

Yeah, he's pretty much Johnny Mesner's friend in the film, Like they're friends, they're not just you know, co workers. Right, and you know, Richard Tyson plays a character that tries to get him back into this thing and whatever. Um likes Richard Tyson. Have we talked about him much. No, he's a really I like Richard Tyson.

He's one of those great character actors that's again usually plays Allen. I mean, he's most well known for Back to Arnold Kindergarten cop That's where I first saw him, Kindergarten Cop. Um. He's been in other things. He was in Uh, he was in something about Mary Um.

He's been in uh what else he's been. He was in Battlefield Earth Me myself and Irene as well. Oh he wasn't that. He's been has been in a lot of stuff, you know. Like you said, yeah, he's prolific.

He's one of oh that guy actors. Um. But yeah, he's he's he's very competent, very you know, consistently good actor. He was in Not Another Not Another movie. Oh, oh my god, wasn't that with Chevy Chase.

Yeah, Vinnie Jones, Michael Madsen and Burt Reynolds I think great, the late great Burt Burt Reynolds. Due. I mean they were trying to spoof the spoof genre in that one Seltzer brother fuck them, Oh my god. Okay, don't get me you know, if you get me started on those two idiots, this podcast is going to go for a while. What's what's funny about these movies?

Like these kinds of movies, you know, those free Brick Selzer movies are like these Seagal movies. Are they making these movies? Like? Who is this? Like?

I still wonder who believe it or not a perfect weapon for Chris Chris believe it or not? There are men and women out there with very low standards for what they will find entertaining. No. I get that, I fully understand that. But my question is a different one, like are they really making enough money to continue making these movies?

There must be enough Siagal fans out there who are die hard will give them the money that Romanian Seagal fans, Italian Siagal fans, people in Europe. I don't know if they not invited, Well, they are providing whoever it is. They're providing the money because they want more Siagal, and they're telling these people I want more Sigal. I wonder if it's like a WWE Saudi Arabia thing. Do you know what I'm talking about?

WWE is getting paid like a couple billion dollars a year by the country of Saudi Arabia to put on shows exclusively in Jetta. Oh right, right, right, I heard about that, right. But the crazy thing is like the Saudi Arabian I guess the government, which would be like the princes or whatever. I guess they don't. They're not like constant with WWE's current wrestlers.

So they were asking, like in twenty twenty, they were like, can we have a match with like Yokozuna an Ultimate Warrior that's like yo, dog. Those fuckers have been dead for like law by the way, PostScript Rest in Peace, Scott Hall. Oh right, yeah, yeah, fucking they'll ask for Scott Hall next. You know. That's but that's like, but I think that might be what we're looking at here.

It's like people like Eastern European oligarchs who are just yeah, taking money from one hand and moving it to another, right, because they're expecting they're expecting under siege Seagal, but they're getting straight to video Sagal. Yeah, but they're not expecting undersiege Sagal anymore. That's that's that's that's an unreasonable assumption because it's twenty sixteen. With this movie, he must have built up a shitload of goodwill with whoever is still you know, renting these things. I'm telling you there is there is something going on with some Eastern European um production companies or European money or something.

And look like like you said, it's not it's not unbelievable and it's not even unrealistic. Like I think that's probably what this is, because what's the other what's the other explanation? They spent six million dollars on this movie and they brought in at the box office fifteen thousand dollars. Yeah, that's a pretty big loss. I mean, um, or we could do the u A Bowl explanation.

I just like to work. No, the tax credits thing. Tax credits. That's how Uvie Bowl kept getting money to make films even though every one of his films were failing. That's why he kept getting money to do theatrical release films is because of this German tax credit.

So I mean maybe it's maybe it's a producer's situation. Did you ever notice how in this movie they have Segal essentially portraying like a Vladimir putinisque character who they try to humanize. Yeah, they did, because he isn't completely dislikable, right, but like he almost comes up sympathetic a totalitarian. Yeah, he still isn't totalitarian. Yeah, what were you wanting to talk about?

The ending? Oh my god, this is the folks movie we've seen with Yes, but you know how we always talked about Steven Seagal never loses NFL. He can't be hit, he can't be I was shocked. No, no, no, no, no, no, no no. He died in that movie that we talked to him.

I remember he got like nuked from space, remember what I'm talking about. They like found him on the radar and they like blew him up from space. That may have been General Commander even it was like the end of the movie and he like met up with this woman and they blew up both of them right at the end of the movie. It's slipped my mind. I know he died an executive decision.

Um, But in this film, Scott Mesner defeats Steven Seagal. But Trevor did Air quotes, Folks, this is a vision. This is not a visual medium, but this is not a medium. I thought, my tone, No, no, it's fine, but I wanted to make sure that if you haven't seen this movie, you understand what okay about saying okay, Johnny Mesner quote unquote defeats Steven Seagal. But then at the end we find out Nope, that was his twin and Steven Seagal is still in power and his twin was like a shield for him or a decoy.

Yeah, decoy. Yeah. And you think that in the end of Johnny Mesmer and his Team one, that the authoritarianism have been taken down. They're free again. Then Seagal comes out talks to his brother who's a decoy.

Sorry, and he says something like let's get to work, and it basically sequel bates us. Yeah, oh my god. And then there's that CGI shot of Segal in the jet at the end. Yeah, oh my god, his face. It was what was that other movie?

There was another movie we watched, do you remember where they did the same thing. They had like a visor flip up and there was like Segal's face just like inside of the visor. Do you remember that? Oh my god? Which one was that?

That may have bet General Commander as well. General Commander is I was right. I went and look, General Commander is the one where a drone strike kills him and his Filipino lover at the end of the film. Yeah, right, yeah, I just says his Filipino. No, I'm laughing at Segal having a Filipino lover.

I'm laughing at Sigal having a lover. That's just me. Filipino love her lover, of all Filipino men and women. Steven Seagal, I just love lump. I don't know it tastes good.

Well, I love Yeah. Steven Seagal's frame of reference for anything is always just I love their food. I love the Russian people. I shiploads of Porsche. Like, what the fuck carrot eating monster you?

Yeah, so we find out he then he prepares to strike back at the at the at the Condor Renegades. Renegade rebels. Yeah, and they set up a sequel, which we know is never going to happen. Did you did you? The best part of the credits the fake rage against the machine.

Oh god, yes, It's like the most generic, fucking, just fucking rage against the plagiarism is like Zach Deal le Rocca and and uh tom Morello. Tom Morello should fucking sue dude, that that is it was like such an obvious to get to the machine room. They were going for like this matrix style and credits yea, and they failed miserably. Him facing that jet is just we were saying at the beginning that you enjoyed this film, but we've still been We've just been kind of shitting on it the whole time. Yeah, but that's because it's so bad.

It's tall, it's enjoyable. Yeah, I don't know if it's table. Well, I will talk about the best part of this movie. Sa Sasha Jackson. Oh she the love interest.

Oh my god, wasn't she And of course turns on him because she was working for Sick all the whole fucking time. Yes, And then they get into this big there's this big fight in the garage. Oh, there's a character, a guy character who his specialty is throwing knives. Yeah, and how does he die a knife? Doesn't he buy a knife?

There's a bunch of no name henchman in the film who are supposed to be like, you know, specialty killers or whatever, and he just dispatches them easily, and then we find out, Yeah, she turns on him. Turns out she was working for them the whole all time, which is anybody this weird double twist where it's like, no, no, you don't know the truth condor it turns out that everything you know is a lie and they've been working against you the entire time, and even though I'm a bad guy, I'm still not as bad as them. Yeah, it's that's kind of a total recall rip off. Yeah, that's that's that's really what it felt like, was like it was like again, copying from other things. When he shot her and killed her, I half effected to say, considered that the divorce me too.

It's it's it was, It's not I'm not saying it's lazy. It's just the things that inspired it are are obvious very well and it's obvious that she was going to turn on him because her character not very well written. Um no, the whole movie is not very No, she and she's not a I think she's a perfectly fine actress. But yeah, she was all right. She was she was all right.

I mean she's not given anything to do now, she's just given. She just is the typical uh um love and quote unquote love interest of the character who wants him to take her away from all this to save her and protect her from the bad guys. And of course there's a sex scene and no nudity though thankfully almost but thankfully she's not bad looking. No, of course she's gorgeous. But my issue is a different one, like can you imagine like this, like like nudity in this movie, like does it doesn't need it?

Like does it add anything? So you we're talking about not liking rape scenes. I don't like nudity scenes in movies that don't serve a purpose because it's like that's most movies though I know, like um, like Swordfish was that necessary? No, it was just halle Berry getting paid more money to show her tits for one second. I mean it's fine.

I mean, hey or more, that's fine, strip tease. Gemmi Moore wanted to show off the work she got done. It's not like anybody. It's not like anybody was forcing him to do it, right, No, nobody was forcing him to do it. Nudity in film sometimes just doesn't make sense.

It does it doesn't like and if if there had been some in this movie with Sasha Jackson's character, I would have been like, boy, that's just gratuitous. Well you would come on any Seagal film. There's never been a Seagal film where the nu nunity was introgral to the plot, That's what. But that's what I'm saying, Like, I genuinely don't think that I've seen a Seagal movie yet where the nudity has been Yeah, but strip club scenes are always pretty prevalent in these straight to video films. But yeah, but a strip club scene is something different than what we're talking.

We're talking about Steven Seagal on another character fucking getting it on in the bed, and you're just like, why do it? Well, it's like the last movie we talked about where they had that love seeing with Steven Seagal, that and that woman who you could tell it was just Steven Seagal's idea because Steven Seagal wanted to feel manly or desirable. And I'm like, this is gratuitous as shit. I think any I think any nudity in any of these kinds of movies is gratuitous because okay, name one movie where the nudity was introgral to the plot. I'm not trying to challenge you love just I think any time you do it in a love scene that makes sense.

But outside of that, it can be it can be used to like reinforce how terrible a villain is by I don't know. But can it also be said that love scenes sometimes are gratuitous and not intro to the plot. Yeah, they're just there to add to the movie. Sure, But like there are times where love scenes are necessary or not necessarily necessary but make sense to the plot. But yeah, sometimes it's just gratuitous just to show some skin because that's what gets asses and seats.

Can't we really even complain anymore in these movies about the female characters not being given anything to do and because written, because they've all been poorly written, because it's par for the course for seagal film. Because Seagal doesn't want to be upstaged by a woman, does he. I guess that must be it. I don't know if that's what it is, but you would fucking have a hard time convincing me that's that's not what it is. Because he doesn't want to be upstaged by male actors.

I can't imagine he'd want to be upstaged by female actors. Given the way that he treats his female co stars. His ego is larger than it's massive ego. It's well, we're never going to get the Cigal comeback. Let's just say it right now.

It's never gonna happen at this point. No, he has lost so much goodwill in the industry. No one, no one on the top tier of Hollywood making the millions of dollars films, are even going to touch him unless it's for like satirical purposes, unless they're gonna, like, you know, take a shit on him, or that mountain dew commercial. You've never seen that commercial? I probably have.

Just remind me there's this. Okay, it's a mountain dew commercial. This guy's in the in the in the process of being robs he was the gal walks in to get his mountain dew, and the characters, the robbers, end up like taking themselves out unintentionally because Cigal like opens the do It's slapstick basically like Cigal opens the soda door and hits one of the robbers shit like that. Um. And at the end, the owner is thankful that he took him out and stevensicgal there's what he's talked about.

Um, And stevens Sagal is like, I bet you were an autograph, don't you. He thinks that's why he's excited and happy, and he goes, yeah, I can't believe it's me either. It's it's weird. It's weird because Seagal was in a Robert Rodriguez film. Yes, and he played a henchman.

Oh he died in that one. Yeah, but he's the villain in that movie. Yeah. I don't know why he agreed to it. Maybe because of Robert Rodriguez and he's he actually has clout.

Um, he just wanted to work with an ax Ones as opposed to Keony Waxman. With Keony Waxman. He's working with Keoni Waxman again on another film, The Tip of the Spear and pre production. It's about drug cartels and the border in Arizona. Doesn't that sound like something you want to see Steven Seagal tackle border issue in this country?

Yeah, because that's the guy we want. That's the one we got, that's the guy we want to that's the guy we want protecting our fucking borders. Um, ponytail or no ponytail for the perfect weapon. Okay, Um, I'm gonna okay, this is gonna sound weird. I don't know if you can accept this as a rating.

Half a ponytail because it swings, it swings back and forth from good bad to bad bad, and like half of it's good bad, half of its bad at bad. So half a half a half a ponytail. Yeah, I can I can see what you're getting at. Yeah, there's definitely some some things to enjoy. The Vernon Wells stuff is fun.

The stuff with Steven Seagal is not bad. Like you said, he's you know again, he's capable. Humanizing a totalitarian dictator is not exactly you know, not a good look. But hey whatever, whatever, fine, it's your movie, do what you want. And Johnny Messner is okay.

But yeah, it's it's since an hour and a half and it feels like two hours, and it feels cheap. It did feel cheap, but it didn't feel like two hours to me. It went pretty. It went pretty okay. It it went pretty sift, swiftly.

It didn't it didn't feel like it was dragging. I didn't sit there think, oh my god, when this is? When this is? When is this going to end? I was, you know, I didn't mind it.

It went by pretty nicely, so it went down easy, like a nice spoonful of diamond tap. And that band that did the song at the end of the movie is the director's band, Army of prim Is. Of course it is doing the song the Perfect Weapon. Oh my god. Yep.

Someone on IMDb said the cinematic equivalent of malware or viruses, and I I would say that, Yeah. I mean again when we talk about these like shovelware movies. I think I mentioned it on an episode before where it's like, this is the film equivalent of shovelware software where it's a trojan horse. Yeah, it's free pack in AOL software. Like, this is the movie you would get for free.

This is one of the ways this one who least those milk Creak or whatever would shove onto a ten pack DVD set in a five dollar bin. Well, that's what I was about to say, Like, this is not the kind of movie that's sold on its own, No, not at all at all. Yeah, No, this is this is something you have to like. The only way to buy this film you like, is other movies. Yeah, it's with this other film you don't like, but this is your only option because it's not available anywhere else exactly.

That's your option exactly. Yeah, and that for me, and that, for me is like a pretty good way of thinking about a lot of these movies. Frankly, they've you know that. The one thing I kind of always talk about when we when we do this show is like, did this movie justify its existence? And no, I don't think so.

No. I mean, the stuff with Vernon Wells is fun and all, but but is it really good enough to like watch this movie again? No, No, not at all. It's it's it's it's vapor Well. You could tell because while we were talking about it, I forgot a lot about the film, and I watched it only a week ago.

It went one in the in one year and out the thing I remember. I mean, that's the other problem with these movies, though, is they are starting to run together. Honest to god, dude, these movies are starting to run together. I mean again, you know, some of these plots are essentially the same That Cartel's movie was very much like that other movie which I don't even remember its name anymore. Remember we talked about it last week, is because we couldn't remember if we'd watch it, but done.

That's what it was. Yeah, because we were talking about how we can't remember if we watched it for the show yet, like because we were scheduling in the next show. You said, no, we hadn't watched that yet. We watched this one, not that one, and then you confused it because they were both the same fucking movie. Basically, Cartels and End of a Gun are the Florian Persic junior films where he he's the villain or I guess, the villain in one and not the villain in the other.

Like, the only Seagal film that's been the slightly memorable is uh the one in the in the hotel where they're protecting the Uh. The that's Cartels, the one with George Saint George, Saint Pierre. Yeah, that one was actually pretty good. I like Cartels. That was that was decent.

But that's the only one that I can Yeah, that's the only one I could really say with any confidence that yeah, I'd watch that again other than his other than his nineties rah it's a fancy word, so yeah, you know, but I will tell you because this is you know, we're onto an old Seagal film on the next episode and the next episode we're talking about the glimmer Man. To those he pursued, he was known only as the Glimmerman. They'd see nothing but shut then a glimmer Then he's always followed his bold path and worked alone until now, mister love Beads, You're gonna have to seek high enlightenment somewhere else. They don't see eye to eye. This guy's weird up to gun, I can't fight.

It's not the time I want to hear that. So we man there. I forgot to tell me he can't fight. So it gives my religion. I'm a bud and I'm SI.

They use different methods. One's why I should cry, because like it cleanses us. So if I need a cleansing, I have a brand muffin. But on this case, ray that we hired men find this killer so I don't have to be with your crazy ass much mon opposites to do attract tease a little country. I'm gonna be rocking along.

Why don't we just get you some red meats in the cape and you can fly around and sit and stop all the cross take your little sensitive ponytail and your little sissy beads and get here. Morter Brothers Presents, Steven Seagal, I have something like a completely clear up to that bruise on your forehead, A bruison Keenan Ivory ways Am to what's what? A whole? The Do you know him? Black?

You learn well? Grasshopper the Bloomerman. Oh with Keenan Ivory Wayans. I'm sure they got along on sets. Yeah, boy, I'm sure they did.

I'm excited for that because I have seen The Glimmerman, Jonathan Glimmerman, John Glimmerman, Stevens Steven Seagal in a role you wouldn't believe a Jewish police officer Jonathan. No, he's Buddhist, isn't he isn't he? Bit? But it would be funny if his character was named Jonathan Glimmerman salone exactly. I would watch that fucking movie.

Give me that, I would watch. I would watch the shit out of that movie. Yeah, shaloon, do you son of a bitch? Yeah, that's I think. The Glimmerman is the movie where he's like, I don't use guns anymore for a while, which you know.

Yeah, it's a film where he kind of it's kind of slight action comedy, like it's more action. Yeah, it's close to a comedic film than you'll see, so it I'll ever do, like a full feature linked film. Yeah, yeah, because you don't hire Keenan Ivory Wains for an action film and not expect some comedic the funny. Yeah, the funny because Keena Iverwains is hilarious. Yeah.

Oh yeah. And and I don't know if I read this, but I have a feeling that they fucking hated each other off set. Wow, like we'll have to Yeah, I don't. I don't know. I've only ever seen the movie.

I haven't dug into the info about it, but maybe it'll present I think Steven I think, I think Stephen Tablowski has some stories about making the film. I don't remember. I've only seen The Glimmerman once. I'm excited to rewatch it. It's i've seen, I've seen parts of it.

It's late, it's late early Segal. Yeah, but I hear it's like one of the better late Seagal films. There's like three of those. There's like The Glimmerman fired down below and executive not even not even executive to Sue. So anyways, Trevor, where could people find you when you're not here?

You can find me on Twitter at bad Vertigo, even though right now Twitter is a bad place because it's festering with toxic people, but it always now it is, Oh yeah, isn't it always? Though? Yes, you can find me at Instagram with the same bad Vertigo And that's about it. Where can they find you? Chris C stashu dot com.

That's my link tree, Go there, cstac h aw dot com. That's where you can find all the stuff that I work on. And yeah, that's it. As for this show on segal dot com rss feed, that's where you would go to listen to this show. We're on Facebook, but we just post the plodcast there.

This kind of a little side project that we're doing just so you know, entertain ourselves as the world comes apart with Steven Seagal movies. So if you're enjoying us, give of you on iTunes. But hey, even if you don't, we're gonna keep doing it, So get in, motherfuckers.